Original subtitles

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you. Thank you. Thanks, everyone. Thank

you. To a super dad, husband, and earthling. That was mine.

Thanks, everyone. I'm very, very touched.

Thank you, dear. Oh, happy birthday, darling.

Happy birthday, Daddy. Oh, thank you, son.

Many more, Dad. Thanks. Thanks, sweetheart.

Thank you, Al.

Thanks.

Whoa, not bad.

Still waters run deep there, William.

Okay.

One, two, three.

What is this, the fifth year now, and I fall for it every single time.

Hey, back off there, Willie Bob.

Let me give it a shot.

Okay, okay.

I was born the son of a poor asteroid polisher.

I'm supposed to be making this speech.

I think I know my life better than you do.

But enough about me.

Thank you.

Well, I don't think I've got too much to complain about, that's for sure. I have

my health. I have a wonderful wife. I have two great kids.

And I'm an alien.

Okay. Great speech.

Let's open the presents.

Okay, be right back. Come on, Brian.

I hope you got me jewelry.

Al, it's Willie's birthday. He's the one who gets the presents.

The guy who has the birthday also gets the presents?

Talk about your wacky planet.

Okay, Dad, close your eyes.

Okay.

Open. Happy birthday, darling.

Oh, Kate.

It's the Cambridge Atlas of Astronomy. Thank you, sweetheart. You're welcome.

Gee, I've been eyeing that book in the bookstore for weeks. You know I was

to wait until it came out in paperback, but what are you doing? I'm correcting

the more glaring errors. Look at this.

They left out the tenth planet.

Dave.

You know, I think you make things up.

You told me there was a race of cucumber people on Mars.

Not a race. A family. A small family.

They're mean.

Here.

Happy birthday.

Well, thanks.

What is it? I don't know. Something I found in the basement behind the

toilet.

Well, I can't exactly go out and shop. No, no, no. I mean, it is charming. It's

once very thoughtful. Oh, thank you.

Look at these.

These are pictures. These are our high school or college pictures. Oh, my gosh.

I don't believe this. Old letters in there.

Mom, who is this gorgeous guy with his arm around you?

That's Animal Hohnerheim.

Animal? Your mother dated a lot of gorgeous guys before she met me. Not

wasn't gorgeous myself.

And who is this guy that looks like Harrison Ford?

That's Nolan Westwood.

Who's this guy in the stupid -looking clothes?

That's a football uniform, Al. I know this guy.

He's an old -timer. What's his name?

Joe Namath.

You dated Joe Namath?

The pantyhose guy?

Wow!

Mom, you really went out with some hunks. But I married the best hunk of

all.

Oh, my gosh.

Here's a menu. Oh, look, it's an old menu from that little restaurant that

and I discovered.

Let's order.

The restaurant's been closed for 20 years.

Then why are we ordering? We're not ordering.

Oh, honey, look what we wrote on the back. It's our list.

What list?

Well, your father and I each made a list of things that we wanted to accomplish

in our lives. You know, goals, dreams. Can I see it?

Look what Mom wrote.

to ski the eagle's nest at Squaw Valley, to have a poem published in a major

literary magazine, to run with the bulls at Pamplona.

She did all that, too.

Whoa, Kate, you little overachiever, you.

Yeah, way to go, Mom.

Oh, well, you know how I am with lists. I love crossing things off.

Where's your list, Dad? Oh, it's in there. I think I wrote it under the

the day.

Let me see that.

I may want sea bass.

We're not ordering.

All right, all right.

Let me read this. Wait a minute.

Willie Tanner, goals and ambitions.

Number one, to build a better mousetrap.

Well, that must have been a piece of cake. Not exactly. I'm still working on

that one.

Number two, complete that skydive.

Complete that skydive?

How do you skydive just a little bit?

Do you jump halfway?

No. You get ready to jump.

You have second thoughts. You go back to your seat to sit down.

Oh, you chicken out.

You decide not to jump. You come to your senses.

You have second thoughts. You decide not to be stupid.

All right, all right. You chicken out.

Now, how about some of that wet cake?

Yeah.

Yo, Willie. Yo.

What are you working on?

My mousetrap.

Uh -huh.

You might have a little trouble slipping that baby behind a refrigerator.

Hey, uh, don't you have some sleeping to do?

No. I always wake up around 3, 3 .30.

Have a couple of potatoes and wait for my paper.

What a life.

Hey, so far no complaints.

Want a cold spud? No.

No thanks.

Because I ate the rest of the cake. I should tell you that now. That's okay.

And the candles.

Listen, uh, Alpha, I'd really like to finish this thing.

Why bother?

Well, because I'd like to finish something I start.

You never finish that skydive.

Did you ever set goals for yourself that you weren't able to accomplish?

No. None?

Melmacians don't set goals, Willie. We live from moment to moment. From snack

snack. Yes.

We take time to stop and smell the potatoes.

Did you ever jump out of a moving plane?

You want to be alone, just tell me. No, no. I mean, did you ever skydive?

I fell to Earth at Mach 16.

What was that like?

Imagine Mach 8 and double it.

I'm just scared.

Not once I started plummeting.

Hey, Willie, don't worry about it.

You don't have to prove anything.

You're a good provider.

You've got a couple of great kids and an alien.

You don't run around. And your life is incredibly predictable and safe.

There's my paper. Ciao.

Kate? Yeah?

You ever hear from Nolan?

Nolan who?

Nolan Westwood.

No. Why?

Oh, I don't know. I just wondered if you'd heard from him since, you know,

college.

Actually, I heard that he went to New Guinea and never came back.

Oh, that's...

That's too bad.

Some tribe made him their king.

Why do you ask? Oh, nothing. I was just... I was just curious.

Does he have any real power, or is he just a figurehead?

Well, um... He's on the stamps.

What about Joe?

Joe who?

You know, this ball guy.

Theismann? No.

Joe Namath.

Did you go out with Joe Theismann, too?

No, honey.

Just Namath.

Why are you bringing all this up? Kate, you think of me as incredibly

predictable and safe.

Yeah.

That's why I'm here with you right now.

I sort of believe you have a busy day tomorrow.

Yeah. I got to take the wagon and get the radiator flushed.

After that, I'm going to stop at the hardware and see if the lawn sprinklers

come in yet.

I'm having lunch with Cousin Vern.

Talk to me about his new edger.

After that,

I decided I'm going to go skydiving.

Good night, dear.

Good night.

Excuse me.

Where am I? You're at your graduation.

Well, what am I graduating from?

This is a dream, Tanner. Its purpose is to point out how inadequate you are

compared to everybody else.

That sounds like fun.

Would you mind standing off to the side?

Nolan Westwood, come on out and accept your diploma.

Congratulations, Nolan, on being a successful unicyclist, world traveler,

New Guinean king. Thank you. Here are some stamps and coins.

He's on the money, too?

Tanner, if I... I'm sorry.

Listen, I've got to go. They're having a little ceremony for me back home. I'm

being bumped up from king to god.

Congratulations,

Nolan. Thanks, bub.

You've really... you've really done quite well.

You're telling me I've led a life of travel and adventure.

I'm rich. I'm famous.

I have a species of bird named after me.

I'll have my mortgage paid off in eight years.

Unless we refinance. Of course, Kate and I are still kicking. Yeah, say hi to

her for me, will you? What a cutie.

Your mortgage will be paid off.

Next up.

Lyle Animal Hohnerheim, jet setter, yachtsman, international financier. Come

out here, animal, and get your diploma.

You rich guy, you.

Thank you, Dean Hoffman.

Wow. Have you done well?

Yeah, I'm quite a guy.

You've won the Indianapolis 500, you're listed in the Fortune 500, and in the

National League, you've batted 500.

Listen, I gotta run. We're having 500 people over for dinner tonight.

Animal? No, we've already got somebody to park the cars.

Oh, no.

I just wanted to say hello. I'm Willie Tanner.

Tanner? I married Kate Halligan.

Kate Halligan?

Say hello to her for me, will you? You know, she is one in 500.

And now...

Our next recipient needs no introduction.

Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Neiman.

Hey, Joe, go on out for a long one, huh?

I was just kidding. Here you go, Joe.

Thanks. Say, what's going on here?

Willie's having a dream.

Willie! Hello, Joe.

I'm sorry to drag you into this.

Oh, hey, that's cool. I've been doing a lot of dreams lately. Next week, I'm

doing a Howard Cosell nightmare.

Gee, Joe, you've done awfully well.

Say, would you autograph this for my son, Brian?

Absolutely.

There you go.

Thanks, Joe, to Brian.

Tell your mom hello.

You know what? I always think about what Kate said when I proposed to her.

Yeah, and that's how I got the bad knees, by the way, kneeling.

She said, Broadway... She always called me Broadway.

She said, thanks, but no thanks.

I'm looking for someone that's predictable and safe.

So long, Willie.

I'm going skydiving tomorrow!

I'm going skydiving tomorrow!

You had your chance.

And now it gives me great pleasure to introduce our man of the century.

Someone whose accomplishments put the rest of us to shame. A person of whom it

can truly be said he changed the way we look at the world.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Gordon Alf Shumway!

Say, Al, great to see you. Way to go.

What a guy. He's the best. Say, Al, can I have your autograph?

Sure, Joe.

Oh, wait till my friends see this. Oh.

There you go.

Thanks. Alf?

Willie.

Alf?

Willie.

You're the man of the century?

Yeah. What a surprise.

I was happy just to be nominated.

What a kick.

Well, congratulations.

Thanks. Hey, Willie, you never know.

Next century, it could be you.

I don't think so.

Hey, come on.

Don't be so negative. All you have to do is take this parachute and jump,

Willie. Jump!

Jump!

Jump! Jump!

Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!

Hit, roll.

Hit, roll.

How's that?

I thought the roll was supposed to come right after the hit.

You mean there was a pause between the two? There was enough time to send out

for pizza.

Now that's a thought.

Can I try it?

Yeah, sure.

Come on, hit, roll.

Hit, roll.

Hit, roll.

Yes, yes, yes.

Let's take a break here.

Yeah, good idea.

You know, Alf, I had the strangest dream last night, and you were in it. No

kidding? Yeah.

It was really weird. There was you and the three guys that Kate used to go out

with. What's weird about that?

Well, what were you doing in it?

Now that you brought it up.

I think Kate's been coming on to me lately.

I really think you're mistaking friendliness for something else.

Then I guess I shouldn't have sent her flowers.

You sent my wife flowers?

Okay, break's over.

Let's get on with this. Come on. Enough of this idle chit -chat.

Hit. Roll.

Hit. Roll.

Yeah.

Not bad. If that had been a real jump, you'd have just driven your femur into

your spleen.

Oh, Willie, the flowers are beautiful.

Honey, what's the occasion?

It's just because he loves you, that's all.

Oh, I love you, too.

What's going on here?

Oh, it's practically my hit and roll.

That's skydiving lingo.

Skydiving?

So that is what you said last night. Yeah, I decided I'm going to take the

plunge. And don't try talking him out of it. Alf, do you mind?

You're really serious about this, aren't you? Yep.

Why are you doing this?

I'm doing this because I feel I have to do this.

Because of something you wrote on a menu 25 years ago?

I thought it was 20.

Alf.

Twenty -five years ago, five people went up in a plane and four people jumped.

You didn't jump because you didn't want to jump.

I didn't jump because I was afraid to jump.

You're not afraid now?

I am afraid.

But I feel that this is something I have to do.

If jumping out of an airplane at 5 ,000 feet is that important to you, you

should do it.

We'll be there watching.

5 ,000. 4 ,000.

I think it's 10 ,000.

We're nearing the...

Bumps does a tire, in fact.

That's what I'd like to hear.

Mr. Tanner, I noticed you didn't check off the life insurance box. Oh, I'm

sorry.

That'll be two bucks.

I don't know. Would it be all right if I paid you later?

Good one.

Oh, boy.

We are now directly over the drop zone.

Skydivers, prepare for...

Watch out for that first step!

Good one!

Are you doing this for fun? Oh, do you have a list, too?

Do me?

Oh, never mind.

need to do it, so I'm not going to do it.

That's not what I wanted to tell you.

I was sitting back there, I was listening to everybody say yo and all

I thought to myself, do I really want to plummet? And I had to admit, no, I

don't feel like plummeting, so I'm not going to do it. I'm going to go back

there and I'm going to sit down.

That's where I'll be, right over there, okay?

What?

Oh, nothing.

What the hell?

Al!

Al! In here!

What are you doing?

Building a better cat trap.

How's the jump go?

Great. He did it.

Nice going, Willie.

Hey, let's hear it for the tan man.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you. It was nothing. It was like jumping off a

Are you going to do it again?

Not in your lifetime.

I'm going to jump as soon as Lash gets his pilot's license.

I think we'll all jump when Lash gets his pilot's license.

You would have been really, really proud of him.

I was proud of him before he jumped.

You said he'd end up a red smear on the landscape.

I said he might end up a red smear on the landscape.

Well, honey, tell me, what's next for the conquering hero?

Oh, I don't know. I was thinking about that on the way down.

I'd still like to discover that new galaxy.

I don't know, maybe play pro football for a couple of years.

Take the whole gang.

Move to New Guinea.

Of course, first, I have to get the radiator flushed.

ACHOO!