Original subtitles

Don't forget, I'm going to talk about my birthday.

No problem.

So, Brian, your birthday's Thursday.

How old are you going to be?

Seven.

How old are you, Al?

229 in August.

Gosh, how'd you blow up 229 candles?

Blowing them out was easy.

Lighting them was trouble.

See, by the time you're half finished, your wrist is on fire.

I kill me.

Have you decided what you want on your birthday cake, Bri?

Frosting.

Brian, your mother wants to know what kind of decoration you want on your

Robin Hood?

Hopalong Cassidy?

Archie and Jughead?

Who are they?

People Mom and Dad went to school with.

Perhaps those were outdated examples.

Hey, what about my favorite character on the cake?

Ruth, the two -headed nurse.

Ruth? The two -headed nurse?

Yeah. She was the Vanna White of Melmac.

And the Betty White.

A gorgeous, natural, and bleached blonde.

Oh, Willie, she was voluptuous.

Sultry. She had four sexy eyes. And outstanding nursing skills.

Why don't we let Brian choose his own cake decoration?

I just can't decide right now.

If he hasn't decided by noon tomorrow, we go with Ruth.

Fine. Right now, it's time to talk about presents.

Isn't it, Alf?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, presents. Right.

Right. Yeah.

Give me the lead in.

Oh, yeah. What kind of presents do you give on Melmac, Alf?

Well, Brian, on Melmac, we always give... Very expensive

presents.

How was that?

Oh, and lots of them. Yeah, especially on your seventh birthday.

Smooth, guys, very smooth.

Oh, by the way, we've decided on the two -headed nurse.

What a surprise.

Give me five.

Yeah.

Give me four.

856.

857.

858.

859.

860.

861. Hey!

Let me know when you're gonna do that, will ya? Excuse me, I just wanted to get

something out of the dryer.

Well, don't take the sheep.

I'm counting it.

Can't sleep, eh?

Not awake.

Feel like chatting?

What is it, Al?

I'm really depressed about Brian's birthday.

Why? The two -headed nurse is going to be on the cake.

It reminds me of how I'll never have another birthday with my friends.

Oh. Al, if you did have a lot of birthdays with your friends, you had

Yeah, but that last one was a real bummer. How come?

Well, for one thing, the planet exploded.

But it wasn't just that.

I was finally going to get together with my true love, Rhonda.

You know, I really should turn this off before that sheep gets scorched.

You don't want to hear this, do you? Sure I do. Tell me about Rhoda.

Rhoda?

Well, I thought she was funny when she was on Mary's show, but when she got her

own series, they married her off too soon.

Weren't we talking about your girlfriend?

Oh, Rhonda.

Yeah.

What a knockout.

Our very first date was going to be on my birthday.

The night your planet blew up. That's right.

I was brushed and curried and ready for love.

Then word came.

Orbit guards, man your battle stations.

The rest is history.

Sayonara, Melmac, and sayonara, Rhonda.

I'm sorry, Alf.

Thanks.

Well, good night, Willie.

Reminds me a little of me and Marcia Shanken.

I said good night.

All right.

Tell me about you and the Martian. Not the Martian.

Marcia. Marcia Shanken.

It was someone I knew before I met your mother.

Kate.

I had a really serious crush on Marcia Shanken.

By the time I got the nerve up to ask her out,

She moved to Toledo?

Uncanny. My planet blew up, and some girl you knew moved to Ohio.

Good night, Al. Good night, Willie.

One, two, three, four,

five.

Hey, hey, hey!

Stella.

So, uh, happy birthday, Gordo.

Thanks, Skipper.

Yeah, 228.

Hey, you realize that you spent the third of your life sitting on your duff?

I haven't been sitting.

I've been doing research.

Yeah, right. The same kind of research we've all been doing.

Watching girls.

Ha, ha. I kill me.

Hey, hey, hey, Gordon, you got a date later?

Maybe, maybe not.

He's got a date.

All right, who gets the chili cat?

Hey, over here, cutie. Feline and fries, no gravy.

Right here.

Whisker omelet, tail on the side.

Yo.

Happy birthday, big boy.

Thanks.

I think she likes you, big boy.

Hey, hey, take a look at those gams. She's got legs like a lunar lander.

She's no Rhonda.

What about Rhonda?

Come on, who are you kidding? That's who you got a date with.

All right, I've got a date with Rhonda.

Why are you making such a big deal out of this?

Hey, it's no big deal.

Help me, Rhonda. Help, help me, Rhonda.

You know, I'm really going to miss you guys if anything ever happens.

What do you mean?

Like if what happens?

Oh, I don't know.

Like if the planet ever exploded or something.

Attention, attention.

Orbit guards, man your battle stations.

Nuclear devastation on its way.

Oh, my gosh. I've got to go. Listen, if you see Rhonda, tell her I...

Don't tell her anything.

Hey, seeing he's gone, pass me his omelet.

Al, Al, wake up. Wake up.

What's the matter?

You were talking in your sleep. You were shouting. You were singing.

What was I singing?

I don't know. It was something by the Beach Boys.

Little Deuce Coop?

No. It was that one with Rhonda in the title.

Help me, Rhonda. Help.

Help me, Rhonda.

Oh, yeah.

Rhonda.

Are you okay?

I don't think so, Willie.

What's wrong?

Everything.

I want to go home.

Just fluff them up.

Just a bit.

Oh.

How's the temp, Lynn?

425 degrees, Alf.

Normal.

Normal's being on your own planet, not here.

Alf, I know you miss your friends and family, but we're your family now, and

we'd do anything for you, wouldn't we, Mom?

I think we are.

Any chance of reheating this soup?

My pleasure.

Oh, and you might want to run a dust buster over this couch.

I seem to be shedding.

Alf, I'm not going all the way out to the garage to get the dust buster.

Be realistic, Kate.

It's not going to come to you.

Alf, I'm going to tell you something now.

And I want you to listen to me very carefully.

Let me get the death buster.

Now, I realize that you miss Rhonda and that you're homesick.

And people that are sick are not themselves.

They say things they don't mean.

They act in ways they wouldn't ordinarily act.

If you ever talk to me like that again, I'll punch your heart out.

Fair enough.

This is K726XAA Los Angeles.

Is there anyone out there from the planet Melmac?

Hey, this isn't fair.

We're in there nursing a shedding alien, and you guys are out here having fun.

No, we're not. We're not having fun. We're trying to contact someone from

Melmac. Yeah, like maybe I'll scroll from Rhonda.

Yeah, we thought if we could contact another Melmac, and if Alf knew that he

weren't the last of its species, then maybe he'd cheer up.

Let's play it again, Dad.

scientific.

How was that?

It's a little hot, but I'm too weak to blow.

Would you mind?

Why don't we just set it down and let it cool off?

Good idea.

And maybe you could massage my feet while it cools.

Or not.

Maybe if you got off the couch and walked on your feet, you might feel

Walk? I could hardly blink.

I'm exhausted.

What's going in here?

Should I wait to do this?

Tomorrow would be better.

By then, I'll be completely bald.

That's usually the last stage before the end.

Ow! Here.

Keep this somewhere in a safe place.

Last will and testament?

I, Gordon Shumway.

Shumway?

Don't blab that around till I'm gone.

Do hereby bequeath all of my worldly and cosmic goods.

We made contact!

We made contact!

I'm Melmacian. It's somebody named Skip.

Give me that.

And you never heard the name Shumway.

Hey, where'd you guys go? I don't have all day.

It's really him. It's Skip.

Skip! Skip! Can you hear me?

Yeah, yeah, hear you loud and clear.

Who was I talking to before?

Oh, that was one of the kids.

Kids? You got kids now?

Well, they're not mine. I mean, I'm just living with them and their parents.

Hi, Skip, I'm Brian.

Hi, kid.

I'm Willie, and this is Kate. Kate, say hi to Skip.

Hi.

Skip? Is everybody okay? Have you heard from anyone else?

Well, Rick and Stella got married. They opened up a tanning parlor on Mercury.

Where are you? I got the hammer down and I'm headed for Andromeda.

Give me your coordinates. I'll do a flyby, pick you up tomorrow.

About seven -ish.

Uh, uh, tomorrow?

Uh, that's Brian's birthday.

Yeah, you can come to my birthday party.

Sure, we'd love to have you. Wouldn't we, dear?

Right. Mi casa, su casa.

Skip, Skip, can you maybe make it next week? I had to miss Brian's birthday,

Friday, the transvestites are back on Donahue.

Hey, I'm not running a bus service.

Do what you have to do.

But I know someone else who's going to be really disappointed.

Rhonda.

Rhonda?

You've seen Rhonda?

Seen her? She's right here.

Hey, say something, sweetheart.

Hi, cutie.

R -R -R -Ronda!

Yes, Gordon. It's me.

I've missed you.

Yikes. Uh, what are you doing with Skip?

Not much.

You're the only one for me.

You mean that, Ronda?

Cross my heart.

Forget the transvestites. See you tomorrow.

Yeah.

Okay. There.

There we go.

What do you think, Bri?

It's the worst day of my life.

Bri, we know how much Alf means to you.

But, honey, he wants to be with his old friends again.

I'm sure that he feels just as bad about it as you do.

I got the world on a string.

Sitting on a wrinkle. Oh.

Am I interrupting something?

Not really. We were just hanging up this happy birthday sign.

Brian was about to cry.

Hey, come here, Tiger. Willie, hold this.

Come here.

Look, try to understand.

If you were living on Melmac with me and you had a chance to come back home to

your family, you'd go, wouldn't you?

I'd never leave you out.

This isn't going well.

No, it's not.

Brian, this is just something I have to do.

And I know that even though you don't believe this, someday you're going to

understand.

Hey, Kate, I don't suppose there's any chance of taking Lucky with me, is

No. All right, all right.

Willie, you better let him out of there.

Oh, no.

Sorry, Lucky.

You would have liked Skip.

And I know Skip would have liked you.

Alf, I thought you might want some cake before you go.

Hey, that's me on that cake.

Smells cake.

That's what Brian wanted.

I'm speechless.

Lynn, this is really nice of you.

Mom made it.

Kate, I didn't know you cared.

Well... It was a mix.

Bye, Alf.

I'll never forget you.

Alf.

Alf.

This has been an incredible experience.

You've enriched our lives.

You've given us a chance to learn from you.

Thank you, my friend.

So long, Willie.

Goodbye.

Come on, Katie.

Give us a hug.

Goodbye, Al.

Good luck.

That's all you have to say?

Long trip, and if you have to use the bathroom now, it would be a good time.

I don't, but thanks for the concern.

Come on, Brian. Give us a hug.

Oh, wow.

Happy birthday, kid.

I love you.

Yeah, me too.

Well, I'm in the wind.

Ciao.

Arrivederci.

Goodbye.

And good night, Mrs. Archmonic.

Wherever you are.

It's so strange to have food here, not have Al.

Hey, Bea?

What do you say we have a piece of cake?

Not until the spaceship comes to pick up Belle.

Come on.

Come on over here, son.

He's not even gone yet. And I miss him already.

He was so funny.

Remember the time he set the shower on fire?

I do.

I was in it.

I thought it was funny when he buried the couch.

I remember.

I was on it.

You remember the time he was helping change the tire he pulled the jack away

from the car?

I remember.

I was under it.

We all have some wonderful memories, eh? He did keep things interesting.

You never knew what he was going to say next, what he'd do next, where he'd turn

up. Que pasa?

Ow!

doing here?

Shouldn't you be on the roof?

I just wanted to give you your watch back.

It is my watch.

You know, Skip's gonna be by to pick you up in just 30 seconds.

Well, look it, I forgot to give Brian his birthday present.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Here you go, kid.

Melmackey and dice.

Every roll's a seven.

You're a winner.

Well, that's wonderful, but you're gonna miss your ride.

There's just 13 seconds to go. Hey, hey, hey, hold it. Wait a minute.

Why is everyone trying to give me the bum's rush here?

I still got a couple of things I want to say.

Ten seconds! Let me finish.

Now, I know that I haven't always been what you might call a model alien.

You're stalling.

Stalling?

Stalling?

Stalling?

Stalling! Are you saying I'm stalling? Huh?

You think I'd rather stay here with you guys than...

Sail across the cosmos with Skip and...

Rhonda?

You missed your ride.

Yeah, I guess I did.

He's staying!

I'm staying!

You gave up Rhonda for us?

Eh, she'll only want me more after a couple of centuries.

But aren't you going to miss her?

Yeah.

But I guess what it boils down to is I'd miss you more.

You love us that much?

Yeah, I guess I do.

We love you too, Alf.

We really do.

Let's not get maudlin.

Welcome home, Alfmeister.

Say, what is that scratching noise?

What scratching noise?

It's coming from your suitcase.

What suitcase?

Lucky, you bad boy. What are you doing in there? I told him, no suitcase, no

suitcase.

You know, Al, I've had mixed feelings about you.

But I realize that you just made a big sacrifice to stay with us, and I'm

touched.

You had mixed feelings about me?

A few.

I had a few about you, too.

Yeah? Yeah.

I still don't feel properly thanked for saving you from that shower fire.

But, uh...

We'll talk about that later.

Right now, I'm bushed.

I'd like to go over to the couch over here and lie down for a few days.

Maybe have some soup. Oh, and another big slab of that elf cake would be

Still didn't vacuum this, did you?

Skip, Rhonda, come back.