All language subtitles for ALF - S01E04 - Pennsylvania 6-5000 SDTV

Okay, we're back. We're ready to open
the phone lines. Today's topic, nuclear

arms limitations. Our guests,
Undersecretary Simon Dryden and Sammy

Hi, you're on the air.

Hello, Larry.

Alf.

Yes, Alf. We haven't heard from you in a
day or two now. How are you? Fine,

Larry. How's the sore knee?

Coming along.

Sammy, shalom.

So, what's up?

Well, I've got the solution to this
nuclear bomb thing.

Great. Let's hear it.

Get rid of them. They're dangerous.

Okay, uh, Mr. Dryden, would you like to
respond?

Uh, well, I think what you've done, Mr.
Alf, is oversimplify the problem

somewhat.

Here it comes, Brian. Better go get the
shovel.

Mom, Alf is on the phone again.

I know he is, but it keeps him out of
the kitchen.

I don't know, Mom. I need to use the
phone.

In a minute, dear.

Al, would you turn that down?

Sorry, Lara, just some static.

Daddy, hi, where have you been?

Hi, Kate, I'm sorry I'm so late. Daddy,
I have got to get my own phone.

Oh, fine, thank you, and you?

B and A?

W.

I'm sorry I tried to call, but somebody
has been on the phone.

Hey, cut me a break.

I'm trying to save your planet from
nuclear devastation, all right?

Well, then go right ahead.

Nothing, Lara, just a domestic spat.

All right, we're looking to call
waiting, okay? Call waiting won't help.

I need my own phone line.

Kathy McDermott has her own phone line,
and her family doesn't even have an

alien.

Would they like one?

Willie, she's right. We have to talk to
Alf about the phone.

Right. Uh, Alf.

Yeah, but what do you do when your
sister glows in the dark?

Oh, sorry. I didn't know that.

Brian, sit on the couch and finish your
homework. I'm going to order some

Chinese food.

Listen, we've got to talk about this
phone thing. Sorry, Dryden. No offense.

But we're getting nowhere here.

Yeah, I may have to go over your head.
Who's your boss?

The president of what?

All 50 of them?

Would you please?

Well, where is he?

Well, don't they have a phone on the
president's plane?

Yeah, yeah, right.

Why don't you just give me that number?

Yeah, go ahead. What?

What do you mean?

Well, fine. Be that way. I'll look it
up.

And listen carefully.

The use of the phone is a privilege
around here, not an inalienable right.

mean just that.

Now, if you don't stop showing some
consideration for the rest of us, that

privilege will be revoked. Is that
clear? I can't concentrate here with all

noise. Listen, Brian, when your dad's
through yelling at you, come on out with

me to the garage, all right?

Alf. I'm talking to you.

Not now, Willie. Not now. I'm on a
mission. Call me when dinner's ready.

Why are you so mad at Al?

When you grow up and have an alien of
your own, you'll understand.

Meet George Jetson.

His daughter, Judy.

His boy, his boy. Hey, Willie, quick.
What's the

Jetson kid's name? Leroy? Leroy.

That's it.

I thought maybe we could eat out here.

Have a little chat.

I'd like that.

What happened here?

That's twice -cooked pork.

Looks like twice -eaten pork.

I'm not sure I had your full attention
earlier. Hey, I hate to interrupt you,

but can you hand me a screwdriver?

Yeah, sure. Phillips!

Okay.

Here you go. Thanks.

You know, Alf, we've all got to do our
part to get along here. You see, a

is like... Flyers.

Yes, or a Christmas.

It's not a just situation as need be.
Hand me the pliers.

Oh, yes.

Listen, here's what I'm trying to say.

Go for it.

It's a question of respect and
cooperation, of course, and courtesy.

Cs. Cooperation, courtesy, and respect.
Well, two Cs and an R, but you see

what I mean, huh?

Absolutely. Look, would you hold this
wire while I turn on the juice? Sure.

Right there. You know, that's my
shortwave radio.

Do you know how long I... Long.

It took me ten years to put that thing
together.

I'm glad to see you haven't wasted your
life.

First the phone, and now the radio.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about the phone?

You're on it all the time.

Hey, operators are standing by. I've got
calls to make.

Boy, first I can't use the radio.

Now I can't use the phone.

What next?

The curling iron? Your toothbrush?

Did you use my toothbrush?

Yours is the green one, right?

It was.

All right, what's the big deal? I'll use
Kate's.

You're not using anybody's toothbrush.

Okay, no toothbrush.

What about the radio?

All right, just don't put it in your
mouth.

Thanks. I'll be through in a minute. As
soon as I contact Air Force One. The

president's plane? No, no, you can't do
that.

Willie, it's my duty. I mean, I've been
through one nuclear disaster already.

It's no picnic.

Nuclear?

You mean that's how your planet
exploded?

No. We all plugged our hair dryers in at
the same time.

Listen, pal, even if you could figure
out how to call the president, you'd

get through because that signal
scrambled.

So? So it's illegal to break a scrambled
signal. And it's immoral.

What about you and Tootsie?

I beg your pardon?

Well, last week, we all watched Tootsie
on HBO.

Isn't HBO scrambled?

Well, yes, but... But what?

Seeing that you don't pay for HBO, isn't
what you're doing illegal?

Immoral?

Absolutely not.

They gave us a two -week free trial, and
they forgot to unhook it.

Just put the radio back together.

No problem.

Are you going to eat this food?

No, but leave it.

I'd like to see what it does when it
wakes up.

His boy, Elroy.

Air Force One, Hogarth speaking. How may
I help you, sir or madam, as the case

may be?

Alf?

Alf who?

Mr. Defoe?

Not now, Hogarth. I'm winning.

Yes, sir, but perhaps you should take
this call.

What does she want now?

It's not your wife, sir.

It's someone calling himself Alf, and he
wants to talk to the president.

What? How did he get the code?

I don't know.

Maybe from your wife.

That's a joke, sir.

Not funny, Hogarth.

No.

Do you want to talk to Alf?

Alf who?

I don't know, sir. All he said was Alf.

A -L -F.

A -L -F.

Maybe it stands for some radical,
subversive, commie, pinko group.

Could be a family name.

Just look it up.

Looking, sir. Well, give me an immediate
trace on this call. Tracing, sir. And

punch up the speaker. You should listen
to this.

Punching and listening, sir.

Hello? Can I help you?

It's about time.

Is that you, Mr. President?

No, this is Mr. Defoe. The president's
not available.

It's an airplane.

How far can he be?

Oh. What does that mean?

He can't come to the phone now.

Why not?

He's busy.

Doing what?

He's in the bathroom.

Oh, he's indisposed.

What do you want?

Well, tell him it's about the bombs.

Bombs, sir?

What bombs would those be?

The bombs we're thinking about using.

Listen, tell the president I'm serious
and time is running out. I'd like to

settle this before anybody pushes any
buttons.

Oh, God. Yes, sir.

What have you got on the ALF? Well, so
far we've got the American Laundry

Federation and the Association of Lawn
Fertilizers.

Shall we round them up?

Tracing's complete, sir.

Mister, about those bombs.

Shall I interpret this to be a threat?

Of course it's a threat. What kind of
question is that?

That's all I wanted to hear.

Give me the FBI.

Okay, I think I solved it, everybody.
Give me your attention.

What are we watching?

Oh, no, let's not watch that. Let's not
watch anything.

I want to show you my chart.

Yo, Willie.

Yeah, what?

Quick question.

What does FBI stand for?

Federal Bureau of Investigation. Why?

Just curious.

What do you think?

It's very nice, dear.

This shows our whole family, aliens
inclusive, and when each of us can use

phone. Oh, hey, I'm sorry, but Brian
can't stay up till 11 o 'clock. Oh, no,

that's a mistake.

We'll switch that with Lynn's time to
call her boyfriend.

Daddy, Lash can't stay up until 11 o
'clock.

Who am I going to call at 4 a .m.? I
know, it's not perfect, but it's a

Howdy. Hi.

Sorry to bother you like this, but I was
wondering if Willie Tanner might be in?

Oh, speaking.

Oh, excellent.

FBI. You have the right to remain
silent.

Who the hell gives you a court of law?
Please, please leave him alone.

We'll just be a minute, ma 'am. Let's
go, pal. And we'll take this, too. No,

my chart. Sorry for the trouble, ma 'am.
Why are you doing this?

It's the law, ma 'am.

This is what happens when someone
threatens national security.

Nice meeting you.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Akmanek.

What did he do?

I don't know.

Hey, what's going on?

Daddy's been arrested.

Boy, those HBO guys mean business.

I can't believe Alf actually used your
shortwave to call the president.

I don't know what happened. All I know
is somebody used my

radio, and now I'm a criminal, and
they're going to hang me.

I don't think they hang people anymore.

I think I'm a threat to national
security.

A terrorist, Kate.

I'm not a terrorist.

Honey, I know that.

They fingerprinted me.

It washes right off.

I'm not going to prison.

I saw midnight express.

You remember?

They made me bug.

That was Papillon in Midnight Express.
They broke his seat.

I stand corrected.

How about Sir Crazy?

That wasn't so bad.

That was comedy.

Willie, stop.

It's obvious you have to tell the truth.

Of course, the truth. I'll just, I'll
explain it to them. An alien took

of my radio.

Why would he do that, they'll ask. And
I'll say, because I wouldn't let him use

the phone.

Maybe we can throw this whole thing up
without having to tell the truth.

The truth is, I never should have let
Alf anywhere near my short weight.

Okay. Okay, maybe it was wrong of Alf to
call the president.

Maybe.

Okay, it was wrong.

But, you know, you have to respect him
for the way he feels about nuclear war.

I think it's commendable that he's
willing to send me to jail for his

At least he cared about something other
than food.

Great. Now he cares about nuclear war
and food.

I'm sorry, ma 'am. I need a moment alone
with the alleged traitor.

Willie, I'll be right back.

I'm going to see what's taking that
lawyer so long. You wait here.

Right. Sorry.

Good afternoon, Alf.

I need to talk with you about this.

Just... Who are all these people and why
are they on the phone all the time?

Watch this. It's my favorite part.

Why is Dad on TV again?

He's not. I taped it.

You taped my dad's arrest?

Yeah. Thought he might like to catch it
when he gets out of the slammer.

See what he looked like when he was
young.

Sometimes I don't understand you at all.

Tell her, Brian.

He's an alien.

Okay, but besides that, don't you get
what's happened here? My dad got

because of you. Don't you even care?

Of course I care.

I feel terrible.

He's my Willie. My Goomba.

Seem like it sometimes.

Hey, I haven't forgotten about him.

In fact, I'm working on something right
now.

All right, now look. The FBI's got him,
right?

Right. And who gives the orders to the
FBI?

The president, right?

Right.

No problem.

The big guy and I are like that.

Come on, Brian. Let's go spring daddy.

May I suggest playing that black seven
off the red eight?

May I suggest you answer the phone,
Hogarth?

Air Force One, how may I help you, sir
or madam?

Oh, hello, Al.

Mr. Defoe, it's him.

Who, Hogarth?

It's Al, sir.

It's impossible.

We got him.

Unless there's a whole nest of them.

Hogarth? Yes, sir. Eight LX.

I have the Alabama Lunatic Fringe.

Do you see Willie Patterson in jail?

Yes, sir.

You might try that four of spades on the
five of diamonds. And trade this one.

Trading and trading, sir.

Defoe here.

Yo, Defoe, remember me.

How about putting the chief on?

I'm sorry, he's indisposed.

You mean he's in the bathroom again?

That's classified.

What do you want now?

Listen, no offense, but last time we
talked, things got all messed up.

I'll call back when he's out.

No, no.

I'll see what I can do.

Hello, sir.

Sorry to bother you in there, but we had
this little situation. I wonder if you

could talk to someone while we trace
this call.

Yes, sir. On the phone.

Thank you, sir.

Line two.

Line two, sir.

One more.

Count from the left.

There you go.

Hello.

Listen, I know you're a busy guy, so
I'll make this brief.

Willie Tanner's in jail, and I think
it's my fault.

Oh, really?

Yeah. He's innocent.

He didn't call you. I did.

Goodness, this sounds pretty
complicated.

Yeah, but it shouldn't have been. You
see, all I wanted to do was talk to you

about your bombs.

Oh, now look, you're not going to bring
up the Bonzo films again. I was a... No,

no, no. Not those bombs.

The nuclear ones.

We've only got one planet. So why don't
you and the Ruskie ease up a little,

will ya?

I'm sure we'll do everything we can.

Hope I haven't oversimplified the
problem.

They did?

Goodie, thank you.

Mr. Alf, we're sending someone around
right now to follow up on this. You just

sit tight, okay?

You too.

Love Patty's book.

Perfect. They're on their way.

Brian, Brian, get a grip.

You think your old buddy Alf would get
his family in hot water if he didn't

a foolproof backup plan?

Sure. Of course he would. But this time,
I have a plan.

FBI, freeze!

Who are you?

Me? I'm Alf.

Alf Tanner.

You're Alf?

How old are you?

Six.

But I'm going in seven.

Oh, good afternoon, ma 'am. Good to see
you again. Doing something different

with your hair?

What are you doing here?

Brian, what's going on here?

Brian?

I thought his name was Al.

Al? What do you mean his name is Al?

Oh,

Al.

Yes. That's what it is.

I mean, his real name is Brian, but...
We call him Al.

It's a short.

Kind of a pet name.

Ma 'am, were you aware that Al was using
this radio equipment?

Well, no, I was not aware.

But, yes, I am becoming aware of it now.

What did we say about calling the
president?

I don't know.

We said, not until after your homework.

Oh, right.

Surely you don't think an innocent
little child like this could be a threat

national security.

Well, ma 'am, would you excuse us for a
minute, please?

What do you think?

About what?

About what you just said. Could national
security be threatened by a fictional?

Oh, he's going on seven.

Bill, the president would not want us to
arrest a little kid that would

embarrass everybody.

Then we shouldn't do it.

Are you arresting my son?

Um, not at this point in time, ma 'am.

Thank goodness.

What about releasing my husband?

Well, I'm afraid we're going to have to
call the president on that one.

I'll call him for you.

I'll?

No problem.

Reach in there.

Oh, a presidential commendation. Isn't
that wonderful?

To Brian Al Tanner for exposing gaps in
national security and for his

concern about world peace, which is
something that I'm in favor of myself.

All right, Brian, way to go.

I'm reminded of my humble beginnings
when I built a crystal set in the

of my parents' home in Illinois or Iowa.

Hey, can you hold it down? My show's
coming on. What's the matter with you?

Oh, nothing.

It's not like I had something to do with
that plaque myself.

Oh,

I'm so sorry.

I feel terrible.

Didn't I thank you?

Did I not say thanks for subjecting me
to public humiliation, for almost

me my job, for landing me in jail, for
subjecting me... Hold that thought, will

you, William? The show is on.

Larry's discussing the Middle East
crisis with Muammar Gaddafi and Charo.

Daddy, it's about the phone.

I know.

I had a lot of time to think in jail.

And, uh, I decided it's probably worth
the $25 or whatever for your own line.

Oh, Daddy, thanks.

Yeah, that's swell.

Make it a princess, will ya?

For her.

What are you getting me?

I'm getting you your own toothbrush.

Why? Never mind.

You'll thank me.

Go, Charles!

Get a possum!