Original subtitles

Your eyelids are growing heavy.

You are getting sleepy.

You are no longer a cat.

You are a bagel.

Hey, you scared me. You ought to wear a belt.

What's going on here?

Um, I was, uh, I was just teaching Lucky how to tell time.

Show Willie what you've learned.

You were hypnotizing him, weren't you?

Okay, you caught us.

I'm trying to help Lucky beat his smoking problem.

All right, it looks like it's once again time to restate the rule of the

household. Rule number one, we do not eat members of the family.

Willie, Willie, Willie.

Lucky and I were just kidding around.

Look, I got to go pick up Kate and the kids now. While I'm gone, I'd like you

refrain from kidding Lucky.

No problem.

I'd also like you to refrain from playing with priceless family heirlooms.

It's broken.

Lucky fell on it.

You know, it's not always true that they land on their feet.

Lucky.

Lucky, don't listen to him. Don't listen to him. You're not a bagel.

You're not a bagel.

But you are getting sleepy.

Just kidding!

I like that old time rock and roll.

Don't try to play the new Francisco.

You'll never even get me out on the floor.

Ten minutes, I'll be late for the door.

I like that old...

Maybe we should have called first.

Well, I had the music pretty loud. I probably wouldn't have heard the phone.

I was planning to have the place spotless by the time you got back.

When did you expect us back? In April?

When I left, you said you were going to behave, but this is not behaving. This

is mass destruction.

I don't know what happened.

I was sitting here doing better than my best.

I decided I'd make myself a little snack.

The rest is a blur.

How can one alien be so irresponsible?

I wasn't irresponsible.

I was hungry.

Did you eat everything in the house?

Oh, I don't think so.

Oh, wait a minute. Here's something.

Who? wants a cookie? I do.

I'll split it with you.

Brian, why don't you go feed Lucky?

I hope there's some food left.

You didn't eat all the cat food, too, did you?

No way. I draw the line at intestinal byproduct.

How can you eat so much?

I've been blessed with multiple stomachs.

I don't understand why you don't gain any weight.

It's all in the way you combine your foods.

Really? That's interesting.

Yeah. Merv did a show on it. I have a tape here somewhere.

I don't believe this.

Merv says it works.

Of course. Have you seen Merv lately?

All right. Forget Merv. We're not talking about Merv no more. Merv. Fine.

off the air anyway.

Let's talk a little about how much food costs.

Yeah. Hey, Kate.

You know, you could save a fortune by clipping coupons. They did a whole show

about it on... The Fat Guy Show.

Coupon clipping is not a good idea.

I shouldn't be allowed to hold scissors.

Am I being overly sensitive, or is there tension in this room?

Alf, let's get this place cleaned up. I'll give you a hand.

Can we hold off on that a second? I feel a burp coming on.

Oh, goody.

While we're waiting, would you take off my shirt?

Sure.

No, not the one you're wearing. Right.

I can't find Lucky.

Oh, he's around somewhere.

I looked all over.

I wonder where Lucky is.

You know, Al?

Hold it.

No.

Look around some more.

Brian, see if Lucky's in the hamper. He likes rolling around in dirty laundry.

Who doesn't?

Al, do you know where Lucky is? You know Lucky?

He's a free spirit.

Last time I saw him, he was high -tailing it out of the window.

What were you doing?

I was chasing him with a fork!

Just kidding.

On Melmac, a cat fork joke is a classic.

It's right up there with seltzer bottles and whoopee cushions.

No wonder Vaughnville is dead.

Alf, the last time I saw Lucky, you were teaching him to tell time.

What are you getting at?

Yeah, what does tell time mean?

It means hypnotizing the cat into thinking he's a bagel.

Oh, you mean you think Alf might have eaten?

Alf, you didn't.

Hey, hey, hey.

We're treading on some pretty serious ground here.

These unjust accusations have litigation written all over them.

I know my rights. I watch people's court.

Alf, did you eat Lucky or not?

Willie, I know the rules.

We don't eat members of our family.

We don't eat members of any family.

Well, which is it?

I can't find Lucky anywhere.

Well, maybe he got sucked into a parallel dimension.

I've seen that happen before.

I don't think so.

Oh, so I guess there's only one other explanation.

The alien must have eaten him.

Well, I didn't.

Smell my breath. There's no Lucky on it.

That's the only thing that's not on it.

I wouldn't eat Lucky.

Would you?

I'm not saying anything until I talk to my attorney.

Now, look, maybe we're rushing into judgment here.

Maybe Lucky just went for a walk.

I'm sure he'll turn up.

It's a furball.

Lucky? Don't look.

Hey, this isn't Lucky.

I was licking some jello off my arms, and I swallowed hair.

Come on, guys.

It's me you're talking to, Alf.

I haven't eaten a cat since I left Melmac.

Come on, don't cry.

Hey, what's with this family?

Didn't you ever hear the expression, innocent until proven guilty?

Not when the accused coughs up the victim.

Is there anyone here who doesn't think I'm guilty?

Well... Thanks, Lynn.

Maybe you ate him by accident.

I see.

Well, the indictment has been handed down.

Thank you all for your support.

Call me when you finish building the gallows.

On here.

Exhibit A.

Dear family.

No.

Too friendly.

Dear lynch mob.

I've been accused of a crime I did not commit.

Accused by people I thought were my friends.

You say...

I am a murderer.

I say, the only thing murdered today was justice.

Oh, yeah, that is good.

But, like David Jansen in The Fugitive, I will travel the country in a

desperate attempt to clear my name by finding the one -armed man.

That can't be right.

By finding Lucky.

I will search relentlessly, taking time out only to have love affairs with

beautiful women.

Now I must begin my journey.

Goodbye.

Yours till Niagara Falls.

Whoops. Oh.

P .S.

These are teardrops.

Great breakfast. Thanks, Mom.

I'm sorry, I'm just so hungry.

Me too.

Me too.

We better eat fast before Alf gets to it.

Okay, I'll have a bowl of sugar shocks.

Sugar shocks aren't good for you.

How about if I pour some nice healthy milk on them?

How about if I pour some milk on your oatmeal?

Chocolate milk?

It's a deal.

Where's Alf this morning?

Probably too ashamed to come to breakfast.

Or too full.

I had a dream last night that Alf came into my room and tried to eat me.

Brian, Alf would never do that.

Of course he wouldn't.

You sleep with us tonight.

You know, I almost feel sorry for Alf. Why?

I'm just trying to see things through his eyes.

Trying to understand why he ate Lucky.

I mean, Alf has different instincts than we do. On his planet, they eat cats the

same way we eat cows.

cows. Where do you think hamburgers come from?

Supermarket.

I have good news. Brian, go get Al.

I want you to look at something. What?

I've analyzed the composition of the furball, and I've compared it to the

of hair, a clump of Al's hair that I found in the ice cream. Now, the

composition of the furball is the same as the hair in the ice cream. Do you

what that means?

It means breakfast is over.

No, it means Al's is innocent.

So we were wrong? We accused him unjustly?

We should have believed him.

Where's Al? I don't know, but I found his note.

What does it say?

Skip the part about David Jansen.

It says he didn't eat Lucky.

Poor Al.

It says he's gone out to find Lucky and to prove his innocence.

And his manhood.

This letter even has teardrops.

Grape -colored teardrop.

I must feel so betrayed.

I'm going to go find him.

I'm going, too.

I'm coming with you.

Me, too.

Alf is all alone out there. I'm really worried about him.

And he doesn't know about crossing on the green and not in between. That's

right. Where are we going to look? I don't know. He could be anywhere.

Yeah.

You know, we really should have watched more episodes of The Fugitive.

So, uh, what are you guys in for?

Okay, be that way.

Just tell me one thing.

That, uh, that sign over there, does neutered mean what I think it does?

I guess it does.

Look, uh, anybody have a coat hanger?

I'll show you how to get out of this dump.

Here you go, boy.

Dixnay on the anger hay. I think the screw's coming.

Oh, my gosh, she's got a horse.

Okay, who wants a roommate, huh?

There you go.

What are you doing without your jockey?

Just kidding, just kidding.

Gee, this whole planet's uptight.

Come on, guys, let's loosen up.

On, Wisconsin.

On, Wisconsin.

Jump in when you're ready. Let's go. Come on.

On, Wisconsin.

On, Wisconsin.

Plunge on through that line.

Hey, hey, hey.

Pull it down in here.

There you go.

Lucky.

Hey,

hey, Trigger.

Act cool. Listen.

You seem like a sweetheart. I'm going to let you break out of here with me

tonight. Yeah, here's the plan.

We wait until it gets dark.

Then me, you, and that cat over there are going to make a run for it.

All right?

Look, all you have to do is gnaw through this wire mesh.

Got that?

Good. It's day. It's day. Okay.

Well, there they are.

Pick your pick.

It melted.

Terrible in here.

Oh, you get used to it.

Some of us wouldn't want to.

Come on, Heidi, pick a nice cat and then we'll go. I can't be rushed.

Well, what kind of cat is that?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know too much about these things. I only work here part -time.

I'm an actor.

My dad's a producer and he says all actors are idiots.

Well, he's right.

Very nice to meet you, sir.

What is that? That monstrosity.

That's a dog.

I think.

Forget it. No one's gonna want it.

May I show you something in a tabby? Now, this cat and I were in a commercial

together once.

His face, my voice. Maybe you saw it.

Oh, boy, salmon chips.

They're perfect.

I don't think so.

It cost a lot of money. Come on, Heidi. I'm sure you can find something.

Oh, all right. Guess that cat there doesn't look too gross.

Nice choice. Nice choice. Just came in a little while ago.

Okay.

There you go.

What are you going to name him? What's your name?

Keith. Not Keith.

Let's go down. Thanks very much. Oh, you're welcome.

Oh, listen.

Listen, I'm appearing in a small workshop production of Extremity this

And if you're in the neighborhood, I'm the one in the fireplace.

Looks like it's now or never.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hold it down.

I'm auditioning here.

Did you hear what I said?

This is what? You're scaring Damien.

All right, all right. That's it.

I just can't wait to see their faces when they see you.

Al, you're back!

Thank goodness. We've been looking all over for you.

Before you say another word, may I present to you Exhibit B.

Well, I guess this case is closed.

It's a cat.

It's not just any cat.

It's Lucky.

Well, soon they forget.

Uh, Alf, I think you've made a mistake.

Alf, Lucky?

Yeah, it's Lucky.

You know, it's a funny thing. He was in Mrs. Akmanek's basement the whole time.

Well, don't we feel foolish?

Now we have two cats.

No problem.

You're getting sleepy.

Ow. Just kidding.

There you go, Luckheimer.

Ooh, yeah.

Who'd ever thought we'd see the day when they'd trust me to feed you, huh?

Yeah.

Right now, I'm in the catbird seat, so to speak.

Right now, I can get away with murder.

so to speak.

Right now, I could walk over to that refrigerator over there, grab a couple

slices of whole wheat bread, a little mayo, and slap together a BLT.

Bacon, Lucky, and tomato.

Yeah, yeah, I could do that.

And they wouldn't even have the nerve to point their finger at the old alpha.

Nope, they'd probably blame Willie before they'd blame me.

Yep, I could do that.

But I won't.

And why is that?

Because they trust me.

But don't get too comfortable.