Original subtitles

Hey, Sarah, write something in my yearbook.

Okay. Be good.

If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, name it after me.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,

la, la, la, la, la, lady.

We find the strangest places to get.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,

la, la, la, la, la, lady.

No matter where if it was warm, we got.

And the strangers played there together.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

No matter where if it was warm, we got.

Woodruff?

Look around you, girls. No sign of the despoliation of man.

I wouldn't mind a little despoliation by a man right now.

It is out here, away from the pollution and the racket of civilization, that we

really see nature's wonderful creatures.

Oh, look, over there, a horny toad. No wonder, out here so far from

civilization.

And over there, that group of saplings springing from tiny nuts. They are now

erect and growing.

Isn't nature wonderful?

nature in the raw.

Isn't it spectacular, Michelle?

I don't imagine there's anything quite like this in France.

Wow! No, Miss Woodruff, nothing quite as spectacular as this.

Yes, there are things out here that you simply can't see in town.

Up there, for instance, those darling woodpeckers. Aren't they something?

You sure?

No, Miss Woodruff, it's a CB radio.

Oh, a CB.

What's that?

Citizens Band. You can talk to people who have them out on the road and pick

messages. Oh, that's marvelous.

How does it work?

Well, you just press this button here and...

Beavers? What on earth is all that talk about beavers, Peaches?

Oh, well, there are a lot of forest rangers who use this frequency, and,

Well, what was all that about a dragon?

Dragon?

Oh, dragon!

The beavers were dragging sticks, you know, to build a dam.

Baby, this is Piledriver.

Hey, baby, what's your handle?

My handle?

Eager beaver, good buddy.

Wow!

camp? It's all

right,

girls. The gentleman said we could camp here for the night. Oh, good. I like it

here. It'll be nice.

Well, let's go.

Well, let's go.

Come on

Hey,

this is for me Wow

© transcript Emily Beynon

There's so many boys for you to choose.

Meet a deep sea diver.

months locked up in an all -girls school.

Then we go and tack on another two weeks on an all -girl biking tour.

With Miss Woodruff, the virgin surgeon of the biology department, the

Boy, what I wouldn't give to be bawling in the backseat of the drive -in right

now. It's been a long, dry spell.

I'll say.

It's been a long time.

Sure has.

Hey, Allison, how long has it been for you?

About 18 years.

You're still a virgin?

Oh, dear.

Hey, you guys, she's a maidenhead.

Good method of birth control, Allison.

18 years old and never been stripped.

Me, too.

Oh, see.

And me.

Well, Sarah?

Isn't it awful?

Humiliating. Catastrophe.

It's unbelievable.

How could five girls like us? Clever.

Talented. Beautiful.

Stuck. The point is, we gotta do something about it. And fast.

We're going to college this fall.

Yeah. All those divine college guys.

We have so much to offer.

So much experience.

How are we gonna compete with them if we're still...

We've got to do something and fast.

But how?

Just fall for the first creep who comes along?

Of course not. We're Cherry Hill Girls.

When we do it, it'll be original.

Wait. That's it.

We'll have a contest.

A contest?

Yes. To see who can lose it in the most original way.

That's a good idea. That's the best idea.

How are we going to do it? Wait.

We've got...

A problem.

Oh, yeah. Miss Woodruff, the virgin surgeon.

She's so repressed, she covers up all the road signs that say yield.

She's wheeled her charity to the medical school for a transplant.

She's so cold, her gynecologist gets frostbite.

Turn around.

We'll be lucky if we get eaten by mosquitoes.

Oh, stop.

You're turning me on.

Shrug her.

Tie her up.

Tape her mouth.

Blindfold her eyes.

I post a 24 -hour...

Hello, Miss Woodruff.

Good morning. Good morning, Miss Woodruff. Good morning, girl.

Gee, do you think one of us should thank that nice farmer for his hospitality?

Or do you suppose he's already started his plowing?

I took care of that last night, dear.

Well, we're all ready to go.

What's our plan for today?

Where are we going?

Well, first I'd better scout up ahead and cover up all the yield signs on the

highway.

Oh, Miss Woodruff. Oh, I'm really sorry, Miss Woodruff.

I didn't mean it.

Girls, I'm going to have to talk to you

very seriously.

You know, I'm not one to eavesdrop, but I couldn't help overhearing your

conversation last night.

And I must say, I could hardly believe my ears.

It's made me seriously reconsider the manner in which we shall have to conduct

this trip.

I can see I'm going to have to take you girls firmly in hand.

You need to be taught a lesson, and it's up to me to teach you.

Girls of your age and your opportunities, I'm shocked, shocked,

to discover that all of you are still virgins.

Where'd you lose yours, Miss Woodruff?

At the first Beatles concert at Shea Stadium.

Gosh, are you that old? Well, all right, girls.

Let's talk about the ground rules. Now, we've got two weeks on this trip, so

that's the time limit.

Any deflowering after that is disqualified, even if it's with the

the United States.

What's so original about that?

And two, nothing uncorroborated.

comes in here saying they've just made it with Evel Knievel on a motorcycle

jumping the Long Island Sound, they better have witnesses.

Witnesses? Come on, they're not crazy.

Well,

it is a contest.

But of course, every scientific experiment needs witnesses.

Well, I always perform better before an audience.

Hey, you guys, I guess that's it. Everybody shake hands and come out

Cherry Hill, Cherry Hill, will we do it? Yes, we will. We're the girls who've

got it made, so come on, girls, and let's get laid.

Remember,

originality and flair.

Don't worry about me. I do everything with flair. You?

You'd be a pushover for the first boy who fell out of the blue. I would not.

fighting. None of us are going to go falling for the first boy who drops out

the blue.

Where's his telephone pole?

That's really something.

My name's Larry.

What's yours?

You'll never need to know.

My name's Kippy.

Hey, are you really going to battle a shark tomorrow?

Uh -huh.

Wow.

Where?

Hey, can I have a look?

Come on.

Hey, Kippy, the frisbee!

Oh, come on.

Charge!

Yay!

Two, four, six, eight. What do we appreciate?

The opening to this movie.

Yeah, uh, wait, what?

Nurse, I can't believe you didn't pick up on this.

In less than one minute, we got thrusting crotch at the camera. In less

seconds in, a girl gives a clay statue a little clay dong.

In less than two and a half minutes in, a girl makes... like a tit -growing

formula in chemistry class. At exactly three and a half minutes, a shaking car

gives a girl an orgasm. Less than 30 seconds later, naked boobs in the

This is what you call perfection in 70s exploitation. This takes seriously no

time at all to introduce our characters, not by name, but by sexual means.

And at less than 10 minutes in, the girls are topless at the stream.

They were?

Were they really topless?

Now, you see, that's one of the great things about some of these movies. They

are in such bad shape that you can't really tell, so there shouldn't be any

for stuff being censored or a problem for sites like YouTube and whatnot.

But you know what else I love about this movie, Nurse?

The soundtrack?

Holy shit, the soundtrack is something that I love in this movie.

It's not what I was going to say, but let's talk about that music.

This movie comes from this weird time in which...

there was this softer than soft rock stuff that played in movies,

in movies about girls blossoming into womanhood.

Ugh, never say girls blossoming into womanhood like that ever again.

Fair enough.

These coming -of -age stories for girls often have these overly weepy songs

about finding love and being in love and everything being okay with love.

However, I'd argue that really what that song is trying to say is that a girl

just needs some good old deep dick in in order to really enjoy life. And let me

tell you, I don't think anyone I've ever dated have ever felt that they needed a

hot beef injection in order to get enjoyment out of life.

You don't say.

What's that?

What? I didn't say anything.

Okay.

Anyway, it's this whole idea that a girl's eyes are suddenly opened once

have sex. It's a very stupid and very, very seven to you. And that leads me to

one of my favorite parts of this first segment.

Not so much that I think this was clever or good or even all that watchable, but

it's funny in one of those ways that a couple of guys sat at a typewriter and

had to kind of hammer out this kind of dumb detail in such a kind of dumb way.

These girls decide that they are about to go off to college in a couple of

months, and you'd think that this would be an exciting time, but that's not the

case here. You see, these girls are real bummed out.

that they haven't had any of that good old vitamin D.

They're all virgins, and if they don't get laid before college, well, they'll

behind the other girls at school.

Oh, no.

I know, right? And the girls decide that, you know, they're going to do a

contest to see who can lose their virginity in the most original way. But

-oh, SpaghettiOs, there's another problem.

Oh, no, not again. What could it possibly be?

Well, their teacher, and I guess chaperone, Miss Woodruff, is the

She's perceived as this kind of sexless ice queen, and they need to drug her,

tie her up, and blindfold her so they can go off and get that dick.

But Miss Woodruff isn't such an ice queen after all.

You know, while they were talking about what they were going to do to her, she's

getting plowed by the farmer who let them stay at their place.

for the night.

And then the next morning, Miss Woodruff says she's going to help them get

deflowered. She says that they have two weeks. Two weeks? Two weeks to get that

sex. But first, let's go to the beach.

Are there guys there?

One guy. Does he happen to wrestle sharks? Oh boy, does he?

Let's get back to the movie and find out if Kippy and the shark man get the

business.

Shark! Oh, I meant to ask you, where did you go to school?

I went to Imaginary Nurse Technical School.

Ah, yeah, that's very prestigious.

Did you do any extracurricular stuff there?

Yeah, I was a varsity checkers player.

I even made the state a couple times. Well, hot damn!

Where did you go? Oh, me? I went to Brown County Anima High.

It stunk.

Hey, Avalon, you ever battle anything besides sharks?

Could be.

You handle anything else the way you handled that frisbee?

I'm good with my hands.

With my legs, too.

I keep in shape.

Yeah? You ever done underwater in a cage with a shark?

Done it with a shark?

No, I mean with a man.

The same tank as the shark.

Oh.

No, not exactly.

But it might be... a music.

Golly, he's incredible.

You're not so bad yourself, kid.

Are you sure this is safe?

Don't worry about a thing, kid.

The old fixer -o is out. What do you mean?

The setup.

I flipped him a thing.

Isn't he a real shark?

Hustler? Sure.

We're old buddies.

I raised him from a pup. Why do you call him Hustler?

I raised him in a pool.

He's a pool shark.

Don't you mind being all alone like that?

Nah. He's a lone shark.

Hey, you didn't shave.

I never shaved before a match.

One little nick and it's goodbye abalone. What do you mean?

Blood.

Hustler got a whiff of that blood when I was in there with him. He'd tear me

apart. But what about the big match to the duck tomorrow?

Won't one of you draw blood then?

I told you, kid. It's a waltz.

I get down there with a knife.

We wrestle around a little bit.

And I break open a bag of cocktail sauce and bam, the lights go out.

Oh.

Say, kid.

What do you like in a sack, anyway?

You a real tiger?

Why? Are you afraid Hustler would get jealous?

Is he a tiger shark?

You can can the jokes, kid. I just want to know what you like when we get down

to it.

Well.

Um, I'm a real animal.

Yep. When I get turned on, I just let go.

Yeah.

Hey, that's great, kid.

But look, I, uh, I don't want you getting carried away down there. None of

biting, uh, scratching, uh, drawing blood, you dig?

Oh, yeah.

Hustler.

Right.

Well,

I guess if we're gonna do it, let's do it.

Hey, do you think Avalonio knows Kippy is a virgin?

Of course he doesn't.

Why? Well, you heard what he said about his shock and blood.

My God, you're right. What do we do?

Not much now.

Kippy, that was a great opening to a great contest.

Breaker one -nine for a beaver on a two -wheeler.

You got a beaver. Is this pile driver?

That's a big ten -four, eager beaver.

Hey, are you coming back with me?

Sure looks like she is to me.

Well, it just walked out of a bad, bad situation.

The kind I always try to avoid.

People just shout and give it.

Edgar Beaver?

Edgar Beaver?

think that should count.

Well, I don't know.

It was original, and it was pretty sexy.

It is not so original in Paris, but sexy?

Ooh la la.

Sexy or not, the question is, does that count for the contest? I mean,

technically. What did you do exactly, Peaches?

How about it, Miss Woodruff? Is Peaches still a virgin, or has she crossed the

great divide?

It's rather an existential point. True, she was not deflowered in the

traditional classic sense by a man, but virginity is as much a state of mind as

a state of body, and therefore I think she qualifies. But I'm only giving her a

4 .8. I'll give her a 6 .9 for trying so hard.

And I'll give her a 7 .5 because that was terrific.

Anyone know what the weather report is?

I'll call and find out.

Good morning. The forecast is sunny, warm, and available.

Larry? At the tone, it'll be time to make a date with me downtown.

Where are you?

Oh, Larry.

Now, about that date?

Oh, all right, I'll meet you in town.

But it won't do you any good.

Hey, what's taking her so long?

Well, what's it gonna be?

Available. What?

Nothing. Uh...

Let's take a left here and go on into town.

Come on.

Hey, you made a date with that telephone lineman guy, didn't you?

Well... A telephone lineman?

Oh, Allison, that's not very original. How could you?

Oh, Allison, you can do better than that. Yes. Come on.

That's pathetic.

Larry, Larry.

So that's how it is, Larry.

I never thought I'd be telling you this.

But I... I guess I like you too much to lie to you.

I never thought I'd be saying anything like this to a boy I liked, either.

I guess you think I'm pretty awful.

I don't want to let down the other girls.

They... Well, it means a lot to me.

You understand, don't you?

Well, sure.

I understand.

They kind of respect you.

You just don't walk out on that kind of commitment.

Besides, it'll be a hell of a lot of fun.

You're darn right it will.

So, you're from the town.

Yes, just a local small town lad.

Ah, typical American.

We are just passing through.

Oh, I hope you find our little town diverting.

Well, we need to place the camp over for the night.

Do you know of some place?

Why, yes, as a matter of fact. I know a charming spot.

A lovely deserted old mansion just outside of town.

The grounds are wonderfully accommodating.

And... Yes?

They say it's haunted.

Is this the place?

He said it was supposed to be haunted.

This is the place.

And his ghost still walks at midnight when the moon is full.

Wandering heartbroken through the empty castle, searching for his lost bra.

I think that's enough ghost stories for tonight.

We'll all be too scared to sleep if we aren't already.

I'm surprised to hear you say that, Miss Woodruff. You're a scientist like me.

We do not believe in the ghost.

No? Well, gosh, you scientists sure are brave.

Yeah. Now me, I'd be scared to go poking around in a haunted house.

Unless, of course, you don't believe in ghosts.

Now, to be really scientific about it, you've got to go in there and check it

out. Oh, me, no.

I mean, of course I'm not afraid, but... It is not my house.

I could not go inside... Don't be silly. The place is abandoned.

There's no one there to mind.

Except, perhaps, the ghosts.

Go on, Michelle.

Have a look.

If there is a ghost in there, maybe you'll turn him on.

Making it with a ghost.

You could win by a landslide. I'd have to give it at least a nine.

Go on, Michelle. It's a fantastic opportunity.

Unless, of course, you're afraid.

Please, Miss Woodruff, just until we see if it is really empty.

I'm not afraid of ghosts, naturally.

But there may be, I don't know, hippies or something.

There you go. Take it easy. It's just... Now, really, Michelle, if you're going

to be scientific about this, you can't start losing your head over every little

thing. It's just a draft blowing a door shut.

A simple scientific principle.

You wait here, and I'll go find you a comfortable room to sleep in. Please,

Woodruff, I'd rather go with you.

Nonsense. There's absolutely nothing to be scared of.

Now, you just wait right here.

Here, take this.

It's just your candlestick.

Candlestick? Yes.

Now, pick it up.

Pick it up?

Yeah, pick it up and get a hold of yourself.

I've got to find you a room.

Now, Michelle, I know you're a very attractive young lady, but I hardly

Pick up the candlestick and just come along with me, okay?

Miss Woodruff?

You're on your own.

Now remember...

Haunted house!

and gone on that telephone lineman. She's got that long -distance look in

eyes. Yeah, looks like she's really hung up.

Do you think she's fallen for his line?

Oh, can it, will you? I have not.

Isn't it a beautiful day, girl?

May every day seem different when you are a woman.

Big deal.

What a bunch of crap.

Are you the girl with a heart condition?

I have orders to take you.

Sorry, Larry, you'll have to do better than that. And I don't have a heart

condition. Whatever you may have thought.

Tiger 1 -9 for a beaver on a two -wheeler.

You've got a beaver.

Hey, pile driver, you've got an eager beaver, good buddy.

Is this pile driver, isn't it?

That's a big 10 -4, eager beaver.

How big, good buddy?

Bitch.

Uh, eager beaver, what's your 20?

I'm riding rocking chair on a cherry convoy rolling eastbound from the Big

looking for the big worm.

You come to the right place, eager beaver.

Take a left at the mixing bowl and head for the junk jockey junction.

I'll ball you there.

Is it not I will ball you there?

Roger, double 88's pile driver.

Keep your nose between the ditches and the smokies out of your bridges. We

I wouldn't mind doing it with him.

Yes?

Uh, yes?

Ever want to race?

Okay, drivers, roll your heaps onto the track and get ready for the start of

this great figure eight race.

Here she comes. Here she comes.

Watch this.

Hey, you guys, that's nowhere. I broke my ass for that. I was out there among

all that flying tin, and I did it in the back seat of a car.

I think Kippy killed the first person she ever had sex with.

Like a shark smelling blood from a freshly deflowered virgin, I'm starting

pick up the scent of an anthology. Each girl is going to have some sort of mini

-adventure of their own on the road to Bonesville.

Now, after Kippy killed that dude, our next virgin, Peaches, gets picked up by

biker, and the biker removes her clothes roughly...

and then throws her to the ground, but the biker turns out to be a woman. A

woman? Indeed.

She has boobs and everything.

And I am curious if this was part of the plan. I mean, it is original compared

to what the girls set out to do, but, I don't know, I thought the girls had to

get guys?

No, I don't think it was explicitly said it had to be straight sex.

I mean, the girls do say it was sexy, and they do debate the merit of the

beeswax, but... The biker liked the action because she apparently gave

trophy. Next up, Blondie Goody Two -Shoes Allison likes Larry the phone

man. But seeing how he's just a loser -ass phone line man, well, she's not

to use him for the contest, I guess.

Meanwhile, the French redhead Michelle meets up with another European guy at a

haunted house.

Ooh, spooky.

You know what else is spooky?

The haunting tale of the missing backpacks and camping gear? Indeed.

These girls are supposedly on a two -week camping bike ride, and they have

nothing but their clothes and their bikes.

They wear different clothes each day. I mean, they sleep in a sleeping bag every

night. Where are they packing these clothes and everything? I mean, we do

some small sleeping bags rolled up on the girls' bikes, but they often have

different clothes and shoes on, and that's not...

getting easily rolled up into that sleeping bag. I'm just confused.

Not nearly as confused as I was about why Michelle got such high grades for

losing her virginity in a coffin with a goober dressed as a ghost.

Yeah, I'm a little confused by the scoring system myself.

Why would any girl rate any other girl's romp in the sack better than her own

first time? What makes screwing a ghost in a coffin better than screwing a guy

in a pool with a shark?

only for the guy to die by said shark.

Yeah, and what's the story with how much worse peaches got rated for doing it

with that biker lady?

Yeah, was that some sort of lame no -homo deal?

I mean, were they, like, saying, all right, girls, this is a 70, so we better

make sure that we only get greasy, hairy dick. Only greasy, hairy dick.

None of the sexy biker chick looking to sex up one of us sexy cycling chicks.

That's just not going to work out. That's just no good.

At least I could see what the two girls were doing.

Right? Anyway, speaking of peaches, who also goes by the CB handle Eager Beaver,

because of course she does, she's been flirting this whole time with a guy

Piledriver, because...

Of course she is.

And he's a trucker and a race car driver.

And he has her meet him at the local racetrack where she gets into a car with

him while he is driving all over the track like a drunk monkey on a greased

snow sled.

And he wrecks and this gives them the chance to fuck while he's getting towed

away. Was it a race or was it a demolition derby?

I don't really know. That's an excellent question.

I think it was just the case of poor camera and editing work because it

like sometimes the cars were going in one direction only for the next shot to

show them going in the opposite direction.

But that said, it would have been best to have made the thing a demolition

because that would have been a perfect analogy.

Most people's first time at sex is a whole lot like a demolition derby. Shit

running into other shit.

Things are all over the place, you're making passes that only make you swerve

into walls, and it doesn't really last nearly as long as you hoped it would.

How about those bitches giving Peaches a bad score again?

I know, right? No shit.

We wouldn't have room for unsupportive jerks like them on my varsity checkers

team. Exactly. No room for them on the Brown County Enema High School Fight and

Fart and Competitive Speed Proctology team either.

Well... We're going to get back to the movie, and there's a brief part in this

movie that lost its sound. I don't know what's up with that, but there's nothing

wrong with your speakers.

There's just a few moments in two sections of the same theme that are

muted. So just like with this movie, just kind of stick with it.

Well, girls, shall we stop and visit one of these wineries?

Oh, I don't know. I'd be afraid.

I hear those wineries are all friends for the mafia.

Don't be silly, Sarah.

How about this one right here?

Uh -oh.

Uh -oh.

Uh, let's try the next one.

Hey, I wonder what they make here besides wine.

Here,

take one of these. You could use it.

Oh, come on now.

Hey, come on, you guys. Get up now. Another day, another lay. Hey, with

wood chips.

Oh, the virgin surgeon.

What if we try to hang gliding, water skiing, a pogo stick, a skateboard?

What about a barrel of an Agra Falls?

Larry, Kibby's already done it in a threesome with a shark fighter and a

shark.

I could really fall for you in a big way, Allison.

No, Larry.

No, no.

Well then, I guess it's just no use.

No use, Larry.

You'll never make it. You couldn't be part of the contest.

Okay, then.

It was fun knowing you, Allison. I hope you win your...

No,

you'd never be right for the contest, Larry.

You're just too nice.

Come on, guys. Last one. There's a rotten egg.

How about some lolly? Yeah, man.

I said, girl, I got stuff that can't compete.

So suck on my jawbreaker, I'm not messing around.

I wouldn't sign a bookie, baby.

Didn't think about it twice. I don't love y 'all on the inside. Don't mess

around.

I wouldn't sign it for you, baby.

No, I wouldn't.

Because now...

Want to bite my drumstick?

And I said, what? And give up showbiz?

No, actually, we're doing three shows. It's a big deal here.

Is this the real It's a Big Deal with Trip Shaw?

It sure is. Are you kidding?

This here is curtain number one.

And this is curtain number two.

Jeepers? I mean, eagles.

What divine stuff.

And wait till you see curtain number three.

Egged on by ambition, egged off by the audience.

What's this?

Are you the booby prize?

Sometimes a booby, always a prize.

No, I'm finished here. Yesterday. But they hired me for the week union

regulations.

And it's good to have a strong union.

See what's going on over here?

Come on, let's get those geese over there. Sarah?

Sarah?

Hey, hi, weirdos.

I'm Trip Shore, and are we going to have some fun today?

Okay. Okay, who's got some dental floss? Dental floss.

Oh, oh my God, it's King Kong.

Here you go. Here's five big ones for the big monkey.

Now, that's not so bad for dental floss, right?

But that's not such a big deal, right?

But today, somebody's going to get a chance to try for what's behind our

curtains. And if they pick the right curtain, let me tell you, it is a big

Camera one.

Where's camera one?

Oh, okay. There it is.

Oh, ho!

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, and I saw... Are

you sure they won't be using this set

today? Oh, absolutely not.

Hello? What do you mean the new set won't be here in time?

Oh, Christ.

Sam, Sam, roll in yesterday's set. There's been a screw -up.

21 -inch color TV and this beautiful new...

Keep the car or you can have what's behind.

Chicken!

come up with something really terrific.

Larry hasn't been around lately, has he?

Larry? Larry? Oh, yes, I remember. The boy from the phone company.

I'd forgotten him completely.

Oh, you have?

Allison. Yes?

You know, this contest isn't the most important thing in the world. The other

girls will understand if you've decided... That's just it, Miss

do respect me. That's why I have to keep faith with them. I mean, what kind of

student council president will let some...

sentimental feeling about a boy stand in the way of getting

What is it, Allison?

sexy. Bye.

I'm sorry, but I just can't.

Why? Is it because I'm blue?

No, it's not that. It's just that I'm... Well, I'm in love with someone else.

You never give up, do you?

Oh, well, I've waited so long for this moment.

Oh, Larry, so have I.

Larry, no, not like this.

What do you mean, not like this?

Isn't this originally enough for you yet?

No, I mean, I don't want it to be like this with you, all gimmicky and weird.

I want it to be normal and beautiful.

I don't want to be part of the context anymore.

I love you, Larry.

I love you.

What's going on?

Well, I guess some explanation is in order.

I'm New Ordinary Telephone Lineman.

No, I can see that. Is this really your estate?

Yes. Well, my appearance, anyway. And my name's not really Larry.

It's Rupert Bitsig of the famous Long Island Bitsigs. You're kidding.

I'll always call you Larry anyway.

Good. I took this job. I wanted to get away from the old family name.

But I'm really a graduate student of aeronautical engineering.

I designed that spaceship as a special project for my doctoral thesis.

Of course, basically, it's just a helicopter.

Oh, Larry, I think you're wonderful.

You're pretty special yourself.

Here we are.

Isn't Allison's new boyfriend out of this world?

He looked a little spaced out, if you ask me.

Hey, do you think if he and Allison hit it off, he'll act up sometime?

Up? Maybe he'll have us all for dinner.

That is what I am afraid of. Oh, my God. You don't suppose... Oh, poor

Allison.

My God, what will we write in the alumni bulletin?

No contest, Allison.

This is for you.

You're the winner.

How was it, Allison?

What happened?

Tell us. Nothing happened.

Nothing? Nothing. What are you talking about? Nothing happened, that's all. I

can't take this. But, Allison, we thought for sure that... We were afraid,

We thought he might have eaten you. You got us worried.

He was a perfect gentleman.

A Martian, a perfect gentleman?

He wasn't a Martian. Not a Venusian?

Wait a minute.

Don't tell us it was just Larry.

The telephone kid really made his connection.

Oh, Allison, you're really a sad case to pick up someone like that.

Well, so much for that. Miss Woodruff has to pick you up. Hey, who is it? Who

it, Miss Woodruff? Who is the champion expurgant? What, you guys?

Well, who won the contest, Miss Woodruff?

Well, it's been an extraordinary contest.

Each one of you has made a magnificent effort.

None of you has anything to hang your head about.

You peaches.

Your experience was really a wild one.

Your story was bold. It was violent.

It was shockingly different.

It was a story that could take place in any American town.

There were 500ccs of motorcycle between your lover's legs.

Unfortunately, there wasn't anything else. Still, you certainly have

to remember.

Now, it's true that you got a low score from the other girls on a technicality.

And I do have to take their scoring into account.

as I evaluate your performance.

But certainly, you achieved one of the most interesting variations on an old

standard location that I've ever seen.

And I have to give you a big ten -four, eager beaver.

Sarah, you learned what it is to make a deal. And you certainly didn't chicken

out.

She got chickened in.

And whatever the final outcome may be, you certainly will be the most famous of

our outstanding group as the first girl ever to lose her virginity live on

Nationwide TV.

Michelle, you were a little faint -hearted at first, and I didn't think

a ghost of a chance in the contest.

But soon your scientific mind took over and you really got into the spirit.

Au contraire. It was the spirit that got into me.

No.

Michelle, whether you win the contest or not, I know that the memory of this

experience will always haunt you.

Kippy, you took a sporting chance, no question about it, in your bid to snatch

victory from the jaws of defeat.

You showed great daring as well as originality of place, technique, and

of partner.

So this means that Kippy is the winner? No, girl.

Kippy was magnificent.

Each one of you, in your own way, was magnificent.

I'm proud of you.

But the winner is... Allison!

Allison!

Allison wins.

I mean, I can see Michelle or Sarah, but Allison said she didn't even do

anything. And even if she did, with Larry?

Especially because she did it with Larry.

With a telephone lineman?

With plain old Larry?

Plain old Larry?

I happen to know a little bit more about him than you all do.

I can inform you that he's the son of the wealthiest man in the whole county.

Son of the wealthiest?

Oh.

What a typical American justice.

So he's rich. So what?

Now, what's so original about that? Why does Allison win?

Because, girls, after all is said and done, True love is the most original way

of all.