Original subtitles

Sorry, but the person you are trying to reach

can't take your call right now.

Please leave your message after the tone.

Hello, Beth. It's Ken here.

Ken Pritchard.

Again.

You can't take my call right now,

so I'm leaving you a message after the tone.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Uh... Cheery-bye, then.

Emily can't take your call right now.

Please leave your message after the tone.

Emily, hi.

It's, uh, Richard. Again.

But you already know that, cos my name comes up on your phone.

Um... Well, unless you've deleted my number,

in which case it is 07700 900...

But then the phone would have logged that as well.

But anyway, just in case,

the final three digits are 5, um, 2, 1. Uh...

Yeah, I'm actually just going to hang up now.

So, um... cheery-bye, then.

Cheery-bye, then! PHONE CHIMES

Oh!

Just trying you here, Beth. Want to say sorry for not telling you

about Richard and Emily kissing at the time.

PS, are we still engaged? Cheery-bye now.

How did you know I wrote that?

Cos you posted it on the Forres WhatsApp group!

Now the whole town knows about me and Emily! I did no such...

Oh, I did. KEN'S PHONE CHIMES

Ohh. How have I done that?

BOTH PHONES CHIME REPEATEDLY

Oh, that's the replies coming in now.

Oh, brilliant!

What a fantastic way for everyone to know that I'm in love with Emily.

Just as she's about to fly halfway round the world with her boyfriend!

PHONES CONTINUE TO CHIME

Gordon Cope. "I wonder if he still kisses with his eyes open. LOL."

What were you doing kissing Gordon Cope?

I wasn't kissing Gordon Cope! He was just there.

It was a school party.

We were all playing spin-the-bottle.

I mean, I tried to sneak out.

I'd never kissed a girl before, but then it landed on me and Emily.

And of course I wanted to kiss her, just not in front of the whole room,

but then they all started chanting "kiss her, kiss her"!

And I did, but I just didn't realise that you had to close your eyes

when you were kissing someone.

So, for years after, everyone called me...

...the Cyclops Kisser.

You see, this is why I wanted to talk to you about your technique.

Obviously I don't kiss like that now.

PHONES CHIME A lot of people still remember it.

Oh, great! Are you happy? Are you?

That I can never leave the house again.

How To Make An Already Awful Situation Even Worse,

The Autobiography, by Ken Pritchard.

That's a terrible title for my autobiography.

Oh, have you got a better one, have you?

Yes, I have, as a matter of fact.

It was rhetorical! Shhh.

PHONE CHIMES

What about Pritchard And Prejudice, by Ken Pritchard? There.

Or you could have Pride And Pritchard, I suppose.

Please stop! PHONE CHIMES

Are they still talking about how bad I am at kissing?

No, no. They've...

They've moved on to something else now.

What?

How bad you are at acting.

HE GASPS

"I hate his accent in Detective Manners."

I'm using my real accent!

"He's completely wooden.

"One dimensional.

"Let's just hope he kisses better than he acts."

Well, on the upside, it's good to hit rock bottom early in the day.

It really frees up your afternoon.

Oh, apparently rock bottom has a basement.

HE SIGHS

I thought people in Forres liked me.

I thought they were proud I was from here.

No-one on this has written for me and Emily to get together.

I thought the whole town would be behind us,

like the end of a Richard Curtis film.

Who's he again? He do The Wicker Man?

No, Richard Curtis.

Love Actually.

Oh, I never saw that one.

Notting Hill? Four Weddings And A Funeral?

Ah, there you are. There's a funeral at the end of The Wicker Man.

PHONE CHIMES

Oh, this one just says "useless twat".

PHONE RINGS

Sally, hi.

Richard! Something's come in.

Really?

Why do you need me for this?

Because Emily normally reads the parts in,

and it's my first TV audition in months.

I am not missing out on it.

Right.

RICHARD MUMBLES

Who am I playing, again?

You're playing anyone apart from Sebastian, you understand?

Aye, aye. That's the face you do when you don't understand

but you're pretending that you do. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. OK, is that "uh-huh" as in you do understand,

or "uh-huh", as in you don't understand?

Absolutely. Sure, OK.

So, what I've done is I've highlighted all the parts

you're playing. OK? So if the line is highlighted,

you say it, right? OK.

Richard Pritchard, represented by Sally Monteith.

Um, and can I just say, even if I don't get the part,

I think the script is fantastic.

Don't creep, Richard, it's not becoming.

Can you just...? Right.

Well, let's just... Let's just try one.

KEN HUMS A TUNE

Wh-What are you doing?

It says there's jazz music playing in the background, here.

Yeah, well, take that as read.

Oh, well, please yourself.

For the benefit of the tape, we're taking the jazz music as read.

Can you not talk to the tape?

Just do the lines. Hmm.

RICHARD SIGHS

Good evening.

I wasn't sure you were going to turn up tonight.

Good evening.

I wasn't sure YOU were going to turn up tonight.

Did you have any trouble finding the place?

Did YOU have any trouble finding the place?

WHISPERS: The highlighted line!

Oh, yes, sorry, sorry.

You said that, yeah. Yeah, I did.

KEN CLEARS HIS THROAT

Did you have trouble finding the place?

Yes.

But you managed to get here without being seen?

Yes.

Drink?

Pint of heavy, if you're asking.

Does it say that there? No.

What does it say there? It says yes.

Say yes, then. Yes.

The money on the table - is it the amount we agreed on?

Yes.

WHISPERS: OK. Now the waiter arrives.

WHISPERS: Oh, the waiter? Yes, the waiter.

Yes?

I'd like a martini.

Would you like a martini?

Yes.

KEN SIGHS

What? Is that all I ever get to say? I think my character...

You don't have a character.

Right, just skip forward to when the German officer enters.

Hmm... Ah.

Fredericks. Are you well?

Ja.

I mean, this is a bloody wind-up.

Mademoiselle Arnaud, this is General Fredericks.

COD GERMAN ACCENT: A very great pleasure.

We talked about the accent.

It needs the accent, Richard.

A very great pleasure to meet you, Mademoiselle.

Or should I say...

...meet you again?

It was you I saw sneaking around my quarters last night, wasn't it, eh?

I'm afraid you are going to have to come with me.

And scene.

No, don't say "and scene". Why not?

Because I'm the actor. I want to say scene.

Right, come on, let's do another one from the top.

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

Good evening. PHONE CHIMES

Oh. Hold that thought. Hold that thought.

Oh, it's from the Forres What Is App.

Hey! What are they calling me now?

How can they just start digging up the allotment

without giving any notice?

This is all your fault, you know.

I could have been up there already, if you hadn't insisted on

staying in so that I could pretend to be a bloody Nazi.

Heil. Uh, hi. I meant hi.

Just put the damn phone down!

I need to get the audition to Sally before two o'clock,

which means I've got no time to edit out your nonsense.

Never mind the bloody audition!

This is about saving a place your mother held most dear.

Yeah, but... PHONE BEEPS

OK, that's it sent.

OK? KEN GRUNTS

Hello, Darren. All right?

Digsy. All right, Richie?

You all right, mate?

I'm meant to be meeting my dad here.

My real dad, like.

Found out who he was.

Turns out he didn't move to America and invent the floppy disk.

Found him a few weeks back, but it took me a while to...

Sent him a letter saying I'd be here at half ten,

if he wanted to meet me.

Maybe he got held up or maybe he got the day wrong.

I mean, that's dads for you. That's what my dad would do.

Um...

Or maybe he wanted to come but got a bit scared?

Oi, you thieving git!

The tree?

Oh, right.

Take care, mate.

All right, Richie? Carl.

Richard, are you coming or what?!

CHANTING: We shall not be moved! We shall not be moved!

We shall not be moved! We shall not be moved!

The drink and drugs really took its toll on my work.

I was a frogman by trade, you see.

I started seeing things under the water.

So I got let go

after claiming I had a conversation with Shergar in the Thames.

CHANTING CONTINUES

Is there literally anyone else here I can talk to?

What's going on? Who's in charge here?

I am. I am. I can be.

Well, which one is it? Me.

My days of playing second fiddle to you, Pritchard, are over!

For it is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves!

We gave written permission for work to begin on this land weeks ago.

I have been emailing the Save Our Allotment email address constantly,

to no response.

The contact I was given was Horace Williams.

Well, Richard, aren't you going to answer the lady?

What? Written permission or no, this is an outrage!

The people have the power, and the people shall not be moved!

Yeah. Nae pasaran!

Exactly.

And free Nelson Mandela!

What? No, no!

No, but it's that type of thing, isn't it?

We shall not be moved.

We shall not be moved! We shall not be moved!

We shall not be moved!

Excuse me, do you mind moving? Sorry, if you could just move.

Just move, thank you. We shall not be moved!

Emily... I don't think so, buddy.

I just need to speak to her for a minute. I said no, man!

Look, I don't want a confrontation here,

but you need to know that I am trained in stage combat.

Well, I think you should probably know

that I'm a black belt in taekwondo.

Well, you also need to know that my hamstring is a bit tight actually

and it wouldn't be a fair fight.

Yeah, and you wouldn't be able to run away as fast.

And can you just stop standing there with your fists clenched?

I mean, honestly, this was just a big misunderstanding.

Hello, Beth. Ken. I've been speaking with mother

and we think it's only right that she shouldn't talk to you right now.

Hello, Ken.

Ladies, will you please just let me do my job and protect you!

Protect us from who? Them?

What did she say? How can kissing him be a misunderstanding?

I mean, you can't exactly get us mixed up.

I mean, look at him!

You get me in the gym for six months and I'll look like you!

Six?! Yeah, well, only if I trained you

and you followed a strict diet regime.

Oh, I'd take that deal, if I was you, son.

He's not actually offering it, Dad.

Are you? No. Yeah. I thought so.

OVER LOUD HAILER: Ladies and gentlemen,

please create a pathway, as work is about to commence.

Quickly, attach yourself to the person next to you.

We're forming a blockade, or a wall, if you will,

to stop the diggers getting in.

Why have you got so many pairs of handcuffs?

Do you really want the answer to that question?

Why do we even need handcuffs?

Why don't we just sit down to stop the diggers?

What are you doing? Eh? This way I can keep an eye on you.

Oh, great. Make sure the gate is blocked.

We must form a human centipede.

Oh, OK, I think you mean chain, Mr Williams.

He better. Keep your positions.

Remember your motivation. You're part of a wall.

If you need to draw on anything, draw on your favourite wall.

I'm using Berlin, so you can't use that one, Richard.

Well, fine. I'll be the Great Wall of China.

No, I want that one.

Everyone, I am the Great Wall of China.

Well, I can't see a digger getting through here.

The diggers are already inside.

What?

You didn't think to check?!

Thank you.

Right, well, at least you can unlock us from these.

Where are the keys? What did you say?

The keys! For the handcuffs.

As Macbeth said, my dull mind was wrought with things forgotten.

You haven't got them? No. Brilliant.

I was a frogman by trade, you see.

Got let go after claiming I had a conversation

with Shergar in the Thames.

One of the builders have gone to get some bolt-cutters.

You should be out of cuffs soon.

Can I get anyone water?

Have you got any sparkling?

Or with added electrolytes?

Just water.

Well, looks like we're going to be here for a while, then.

Anyone want to play I-spy?

OTHERS: No.

What about the Minister's Cat?

Richard, you were very good at that, if a little showy.

No, I'm fine, Mr Williams.

I was worried you'd maybe fallen out with me, Beth.

The minister's cat is an adorable cat.

No. Nothing like that.

I've just been doing some thinking.

Because I sent some messages.

Quite a few, actually.

Somebody needs to do B.

Did you? I haven't got them.

That's because you don't put your mobile data on.

Oh, God. My mum never did that either.

It was infuriating.

She thought getting a text message outside the house

would bankrupt her.

Don't think anyone else is playing now.

The thing is, Ken, I've been thinking about your proposal,

and I know I said yes at the time,

but maybe that was a bit rash of me.

What's she saying, Richard?

She's...

She's saying that she's been thinking about your proposal and...

...even though she said yes at the time, that maybe it's a bit rash.

She's got a rash!?

Do you need someone to interpret for me as well?

Tell him, Richard.

He's a lovely man.

A wonderful man.

You're a lovely, wonderful man.

And I'm so very glad I met him.

Even thinking about getting married to him has taught me something.

That maybe...

...I can love again.

Maybe in the future, not now.

Just... not now.

I'm so very happy that I met you

and even thinking about marrying you...

Is this you or Beth? Who do you think?!

Right, I'm going to say this in the third person, right?

She says that even thinking about marrying you

has taught her that she could love again...

...but...

...just not now.

Oh, I see.

Not...

Not now, not now, right, OK.

Not... Not now, right?

I am sorry.

Did you say sorry? No, no!

Don't...

Don't be sorry!

WHISPERS: Come on.

I... I maybe just got a wee bit carried away.

Yeah, maybe I did too.

Are you going to be OK?

Pancake Day? Yeah, you'll be fine.

How do you turn this mobile data thing on, love?

Oh, um, you just...

...there you go. Oh.

PHONE CHIMES REPEATEDLY

Oh.

It's beeping all over the place.

VOICEMAIL: You have seven new messages.

First message received today at 10.34am.

ON PHONE: Hello, Beth. It's Ken here.

Ken Pritchard. Again.

You can't take my call right now,

so I'm leaving you a message after the tone.

Cheery-bye, then.

I better call him back.

You just spoke to him, Beth.

Oh, yes, so I did.

ON PHONE: Are you winding me up!? Eh?

I'm just trying you, Beth. I want to say sorry

for not telling you about...

Please tell me you hung up. It used to be that...

Nothing good has ever come from your mouth that started with

"it used to be that".

It used to be that when you put the phone down, that was it,

it was hung up! And now it's all blooming buttons and things.

No, there's just one button you press once!

ON PHONE: Brilliant. What a fantastic way

for everyone to know that I'm in love with Emily,

just as she's about to fly halfway round the world with her...

PNEUMATIC DRILL JUDDERS

Is, uh...

Is my mobile data on?

I very much doubt it.

I was a frogman by trade, you see.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Aye...

Well, we made a great job of looking after the allotment

for your mother, didn't we, eh?

There you go.

Ach, well, we've still got the train station, haven't we, eh?

Oh, hey. Emily, please don't go to New Zealand.

What?!

Wow!

This guy does not quit.

I actually have to hand it to you,

persistence is one of the key fundamental tenets of success.

I did a podcast about it. You don't want to be with him.

He does podcasts! I've never seen him laugh.

I can laugh. Well, go on, then.

What, just now? If it's so easy.

Yeah, sure. I mean, I'll... I'll...

I'll laugh.

HE LAUGHS INSINCERELY

Wait, that doesn't count.

No, whereas me...

HE LAUGHS

Yeah. Come on, I win!

Do you feel like a winner?

No. Not really. Don't listen to him, Emily.

You're going to love New Zealand.

I've made loads of plans for us to get lost in the moment.

You're forward-planning us getting lost in the moment?

Well, yeah. You said you wanted to do more of that, right?

Tim...

You're a lovely guy, OK.

A wonderful guy in fact, and,

you know, I am so very happy that I met you.

You know, even thinking about moving to New Zealand with you

has taught me something that...

...that maybe one day I can move to New Zealand in the future.

Wait. This is exactly the same thing that my mum just said to Ken.

The template's the same, sure.

So you're breaking up with me?

I'm... I'm sorry.

You're... you're a really lovely guy.

Yeah, you're really nice. Shut up! Shut up.

Sure.

Well... so there it goes. HE GASPS

This might be the wrong time,

but do you fancy going for dinner tonight? Wow!

Too soon? It's too soon. Yeah, yeah, I thought it might be.

Richard, you have had since we were 16 to ask me out.

You could have asked me out three months ago,

but you chose to go to Norway.

I've always been plan B.

You were my plan A.

Not now, Tim. Sorry.

No, I am going to go travelling.

I'm going to do it on my own,

and for once in my life, I'm going to do something just for me.

No. I get it.

But just to be clear, you don't want me to come with you?

Halt! Halt!

Take a look at this! Look, have you seen this? Look.

What's happening?

I've no idea.

You're going to have to hang around until the police get here,

I'm afraid. Police?!

We've found bones in the earth.

Bones? What kind of bones? Chicken bones?

Yeah, they've stopped digging because they're found someone's KFC.

Human bones? Alas, poor Yorick.

We don't know, but all work will need to be halted

until further notice. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Bones!

CHANTING: Bones! Bones! Bones! Bones!

Guys, I think this is a bit distasteful.

HE SNIFFLES

Woohoo!

Oh, hello.

I wanted to give you this.

Oh.

Tim's asked me to go to New Zealand with him, just till he settles in.

I thought you could look after this till I get back?

Oh, right.

It's a pear tree.

It's blossom is meant to represent lasting friendship.

You don't get nothing.

Pint of heavy?

Yeah, why not?

Oh, bugger, I've left my phone!

It's all right, I'll get it.

Hello there.

All right?

Sorry about earlier. I just...

...couldn't.

What have you got there?

It's a plum tree.

I like plums.

Me too.

For God's sake, are we going to get this pint?

Have you got the phone?!

Yes, Dad.

LIVELY MUSIC AND CHATTER

Ta.

So, where are you going to go, then?

TBC.

To be continued.

To be confirmed.

Oh, that TBC.

Well... when you get back, I'll still feel the same.

Well, thanks for finally telling me how you feel...

...even if it was in a voicemail from your dad to my ex-boyfriend's mum.

Well, I guess I figured - "What's the modern-day equivalent

"of a message in a bottle?"

I can't believe I've messed this up so badly.

I'm not saying never, Richard.

I guess you and me can be TBC for now.

To be confirmed?

To be continued.

Oh, the other one this time.

What?

Have you ever thought about auditioning for comedy roles?

I think you'd be quite good.

Casting directors disagree.

Well, why don't you write your own show?

Hello, Jen.

GLASSES CLATTER

What WOULD I write about?

TAPPING ON A GLASS

Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to the Greenfield Allotments,

who live to fight another day!

CHEERING

And while we're celebrating, my wife and I would like to announce

that we have decided to renew our wedding vows.

Oh, and you're all invited.

Oh, no, no, sorry.

Shirley, I didn't see you there.

Three stars on Tripadvisor, indeed.

Anyway, on with the party!

You all right? Yeah. I think so.

So, what now?

What now?

Well, we're going to get up, we're going to get dressed,

and we're going to keep buggering on.

PHONE RINGS

Sally, hi. Richard, I've just heard back.

It's a no, I'm afraid.

Right. But the casting director wants to ask

if the other actor was available.

Which actor?

The one reading the other lines.

Are you taking the piss?

Eh?

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