Original subtitles

OK. You ready?

This is a load of bloody nonsense! Is that a yes or...?

I've been driving for 50 years.

I learned to drive in an ice cream van, for Christ's sake.

You learned to drive in an ice cream van? Yes.

Things were a wee bit more relaxed in my day.

I mean, honest to God, why have I got to resit my test anyway?

You drove into a swimming pool.

Once! It's not a three-strike system, Dad.

Right, OK, your test is at two o'clock,

so we've got a few hours to go through everything. Now, first up,

they're going to test your eyesight, OK?

So you have to be able to read a licence plate from 20 metres away.

CV59 MXT!

Yeah, not your own. Er... OK, here we go.

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, ten,

11, 12, 13, 14, 15,

16, 17, 18, 19, 20.

Yeah, this is fine. Yeah, OK.

I can see you quite clearly. No, no, you have to come here.

What are you eating?! Eh?

Come here! I can't hear you from there, Richard.

19, 18, 17, 16, 15.

Can you hear me now? Eh?

'Course you can't. 14, 13, 12, 11...

Oh, 11. Oh, ah. Great.

How can I help you? The number plates. 20 metres.

Oh, yes, yes, you mentioned.

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

So, follow me.

12, 13, 14, 15,

16, 17, 18, 19, 20.

Now? Yes, now!

No, sorry, you've gone again.

19!

18, 17, 16, 15...

OK. Have you been to the toilet?

Yes. Number one and a number two. Right.

Then another number one, but I just remained seated for that one.

I don't need to know that, Dad. OK...

So, I think we should do this

under test conditions, to get you prepared.

So for the next couple of hours, I won't be Richard. I'll be...

...Benjamin. Who am I again?

You! Oh, me, right. Aye.

PHONE CHIMES

Eh, do you mind?

I'm taking time out of my busy schedule to help you.

All right, schedule. But still...

Aww, it's from Beth.

She's tagged me on a picture of her new sunflower plant on Facebook.

Isn't that lovely, eh?

I'll just give her a wee poke.

PHONE BEEPS Lovely.

I thought you'd given up on Facebook.

Yeah, I did, but then Beth showed me how to use it properly.

And she doesn't roll her eyes when I ask questions.

I post all the time now.

Do you?

Dad, what...? What are these?

These aren't posts,

they're complaint emails you've written on your wall.

Wall? What wall?

Albion Bank, BT!

"To whomever it may concern,

"my landline hasn't been working for six weeks now..." Mm.

"..despite repeated emails..." Well, you mean Facebook posts.

"When will you be sending someone out?"

Oh...

"I worry about my son when he is in the house alone,

"as he will have no way of communicating with me

"if he needs his dad." I mean, what the hell?!

You posted that on Facebook?!

That'll be why no bugger's replying to me, is it?

I mean, what were you thinking? You just type it anywhere

and somehow it'll get to them?!

800 likes, all laughing emojis.

Emily - "I'm happy to go round and let him out for a pee."

Oh, amazing. Oh, she's very funny, her. Very funny.

"Outdoor swim done and off to brunch with my fave."

That'll be Tim. Yes, I know that, thank you.

OK, lesson number one,

checking your phone in the car is an automatic fail.

No more distractions, no more phones, OK?

PHONE RINGS

Sally, hi!

Richard, how are you?

I'm, er... What it is, I've just heard from a little birdie

that there's going to be a Detective Manners spin-off.

Seriously!? Now, I don't know which character it's going to focus on,

but I'll find out by the end of the day.

I mean, it has to be you, doesn't it?

Your character was the best character, as far as I'm concerned.

Um, well, thanks, Sally.

Yes, which one were you again?

Dr Sparrow.

Sparrow. Spell it.

S-P-A-R-R-O-W.

...O-W, yes, that's right. Unforgettable, Richard.

I'll be in touch. LINE DISCONNECTS

Well, that was interesting.

Sorry, I can't say anything about it yet. Oh, well, that's fine.

What it is, is it probably means I'm going to get my own TV show.

By the way, did I tell you I bumped into Katherine Rutherford

the other day and her wee granddaughter?

Many times. Aye.

They've apparently decided to go on their first family holiday together

and they can't decide... Can't decide

whether to go to Portugal or Turkey.

Oh. Where did they end up choosing?

What do you mean, where did they end up choosing? It's your story.

You know they chose Turkey. Who did?

Starting from now, I'm Benjamin,

and when you think it's safe to do so, turn on the engine.

Oh.

ENGINE STARTS

ENGINE STOPS

Is it safe?

Yes. It is safe. It is perfectly safe.

ENGINE STARTS

Check your mirrors!

"Check your mirrors. Check your mirrors, check your mirrors."

There you... HE MUTTERS

HE SIGHS

ENGINE STARTS Oh, look, see?

That's 17 degrees there, do you see that?

MUSIC STARTS

MUSIC STOPS

And we're... ENGINE SPLUTTERS

It's OK, it's OK.

Engine on. Engine.

ENGINE STARTS

Biting point.

And... gas.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

It's OK. Engine on.

ENGINE STARTS

Biting point.

Gas.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

OK. Right, what you need to do...

I know how to start a bloody car.

Evidence would suggest otherwise.

It's you, you're making me nervous!

No, it's not me, is it? It's Benjamin.

I hate to tell you,

but Benjamin's turning out to be an almighty prick!

ENGINE STARTS

And we're off.

That's it up to 18 now.

Yeah, maybe think about second gear.

ENGINE STOPS

Eh?

Why have we stopped?

I don't... What did you say?

I just asked you to put the car into second gear.

Oh. Oh, right, aye.

We're turning right, up ahead.

Eh?

I can't drive the car and listen to you at the same time.

It's a driving test. You need to take instruction.

HORN HONKS

KEN SIGHS

That's down to 17 now.

What's this obsession with the temperature?

Eh?

HORN HONKS

Good.

OK, Mr Pritchard, in a couple of moments' time,

I'd like you to attempt a reverse parallel park.

Oh.

Oh, look, there's Tim!

Oh, God.

I'll just give him a wee beep. Eh, no!

The horn is to alert your presence to other drivers,

not to greet pedestrians.

I always think it's polite to beep somebody you know.

What is it with you and beeping at people

the minute you recognise them? Honestly, it's like when you used to

drive me to school. You'd beep at anyone who passed

who was wearing a school uniform. It was madness!

Every morning I'd end up waving at my entire class.

I looked like the Queen!

HE SIGHS

HORN TOOTS

All right, there you go. Thank you, see you later.

Richard, you beeped. Well, my dad did.

Ken. Hello!

What are you two up to, then? Quick driving lesson.

Bit of father/son bonding, eh? Yeah, I miss that.

But on a day like today when the old sun parts those dark, grey clouds,

I think, yeah, that's him, shining down on me.

Yeah, apparently, it's meant to rain later.

Mr Pritch... Do you mind if I call you Mr Pritch?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Well, my dear old mum, she's coming with me to Aviemore next week.

I'm running a 10K.

And, um, she just wondered if you would mind keeping her company

at the finish line? Oh, lovely!

I've actually just finished giving her a wee poke there.

You tell your mother I'd be absolutely delighted.

OK. Take care. And stick with the driving, Richard.

Yeah. No. No, I can drive. It's him that can't drive.

I passed my test when I was 17, Tim! Tim!

Give him a wee beep. Oh, just drive, would you?

HORN TOOTS What are you doing?

Hey-hey-hey! Who are you waving to?

Oh, who's that?

That was Joan Dempster.

You don't need to beep every time... HORN TOOTS

HE CHUCKLES

Who even was that? It's thing-me-bob and what's-her-face.

Close friends, then.

HORN TOOTS

I'm coming!

What are you doing?! You're driving! Aww!

It'll get cold!

Shit!

What's the matter? Oh, my God!

GEARS GRIND You can't stop here.

HORN HONKS

Is that me they're tooting?

HORN HONKS

So, did I pass?

Is that a serious question?

You mean I failed? Multiple times.

Eh?

Oh. Well, what do we do now?

I don't know, Dad. I didn't realise things had gotten so bad.

Ach, away!

There was one or two wee hiccups, but nothing major.

What about when you nearly hit that lollipop lady?

Well, what the hell was she doing

standing in the middle of the bloody road anyway?

Look...

Maybe you should just use the bus from now on.

I mean, it's free. Oh, aye, it's free - when it turns up.

Well, we're going to have to postpone your test.

Oh, come on, for heaven's sake. What's happened...

Let's not be defeatist!

I'm not being defeatist. I'm being realistic!

Realistic? Realistic, Richard?

Can I tell you something, son?

90% of my life

is spent working round the things I'm not allowed to do any more.

I'm not allowed to go hill walking, I'm not allowed to eat grease.

If I see somebody with bright green hair

and pins sticking out their face, I'm no' allowed to mention it.

If I don't get my licence back,

that is just one more thing in my life that's closed off to me.

And you know what?

There comes a point when you just think to yourself,

"What is the use?"

What's my use?

RICHARD SIGHS

OK.

I suppose we could give it one more try.

Really?

IF you listen to me and do exactly as I say.

I will, son. I will, I will.

Engine on.

ENGINE STARTS

Mirrors.

Oh, look, there's Ian and Jen.

HORN TOOTS Unbelievable.

Hi, Ken.

Dr Sparrow.

Good to see you behind the wheel again, Ken.

I don't suppose you'd give us a lift to the pub?

We need to open and we're running a bit late. Afraid not.

Awful good of you, Ken. Yeah, yeah, thanks, lads.

Don't mention it. Ah.

So, been anywhere nice?

The old marriage counselling again.

She can't get enough of us.

I asked if she did loyalty cards.

THEY LAUGH

She didn't laugh.

Not even a flicker.

How's that all going?

Oh, fine. Grand. Grand.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, what's that, my love?

Nothing.

Just what you said in there.

What did I say in there?

Just about me using laughter as a way of not dealing with things.

I didn't say that, did I?

LAUGHING: Yes! Which is fine!

I suppose she said it, but you sort of did a nod along.

A nod along? This traffic's taking quite a while, isn't it? Right.

So, did you mean to nod along or...?

Well, I suppose if I did nod along, then...

You know, maybe she... She might possibly have something.

So, you agree with her?

I think they might be temporary traffic lights.

I don't... I don't agree with her. You don't do it all the time.

It is. It's temporary traffic lights. Oh.

I do it some of the time, do I?

Maybe some of the time, maybe.

Maybe.

See, that's up to 19 degrees now.

Is it? That's strange. Mm-hm.

I think we might just walk the rest of the way, lads. Yeah.

Are you sure? Yeah, the pub's right there, to be fair.

Thanks for the lift. No worries.

RICHARD SIGHS

What? Come on.

Light's green.

You said you had the keys, you feckin' eejit!

Turn the wheel. Keep turning the wheel.

Stop turning the wheel.

And check in your blind spot.

Where is that again?

Good. This is good.

Just maintain this speed.

Oh, and braking to a halt.

Handbrake on.

Great. You're doing great.

Don't patronise me!

You cannot win with you!

DOORBELL JANGLES

Uh...

Oh... Er, change of plan, you need to do a U-turn.

Eh? Now!

Now, Dad! Have you lost your bloody marbles?!

OK, nice. Well done.

So, where the hell am I going?

Just follow Tim for a bit.

Follow Tim? Yeah, that's right.

Following a pedestrian, that's part of the test now, is it?

You never know. They update it all the time.

OK, right. Right! All right. Right, right, right. All right, all right!

There he is. There he is. Keep up!

I'm keeping up, I'm keeping up! Right, floor it!

Oh, this is blooming madness! Do you want to pass this test or not?

What the hell has gotten into you?!

All right, Richie? What am I like, eh?

Are you OK, Digsy?

Aye, I'm fine.

Hello, Darren. Sorry about that.

Ah, no worries. Oh, nice petunias.

I am, yeah.

No, I mean... I mean the flowers.

Oh, they are, yeah.

I'm getting into hor... hor... hort... hort...

Horticulture? That's the one! Aye.

Well, that's good, son, that's great, aye.

That'll keep you out of trouble. Yeah.

Oi! Give that back!

Take care, yeah?

Get back here! Oi!

Oh, great, now Tim's gone.

Well done! Stop!

That'll be me failed again, is it?

Here you go. What's happening?

Well, thankfully, she updates her stories quite a lot,

so I'm sure she'll post where they're meeting, soon.

It's not stalking. I'm saying nothing.

Sounds a wee bit like stalking to me, though.

Well, that's not saying nothing, is it?

Oh, come on! Why is it so important that we have to find out

where they're meeting anyway?

Because I think Tim is about to propose to Emily.

You big galloot, you.

Honestly, why didn't you tell her how you felt about her, years ago?

Oh, I don't know.

There's just always been this potential between me and her.

I guess I felt that as long as it stayed potential, then...

...I couldn't mess it up like everything else.

But now the idea that there won't even be a chance

and that I've waited too long...

Yas, we're in! They're at Bonnie Appetite. Right, let's go!

Aye, let's go, let's go, right.

So, what's the plan? I don't know. Oh, marvellous!

What now?

I don't know. Just observe, I suppose.

That's your big romantic gesture, is it? Just to spy on her?

Just give me a minute!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh! Why is she laughing so much? That's our thing!

Listen, I don't mean to rush you, but my test is in half an hour.

Yeah, all right.

Oh, no, you don't!

HORN TOOTS Oh!

Oh, so you're allowed to beep now, are you? Stay there!

Emily, Tim!

I thought that was you. Hello. Richard. Hi.

What are you up to?

Er, just giving my dad a final driving lesson before his test.

Cos I can drive. Right.

Well, sort of.

I mean, they don't call you three-prang-Pritchard for nothing.

None of those were my fault. Here's your food, guys. Ah. Thank you.

Enjoy. Looks nice.

Thank you.

I should let you eat.

Cos otherwise it'd be weird! Ooh!

Well, tell Mr Pritch good luck from us.

I take it you've called the swimming pool to warn them

that he's back on the road, yeah?

LAUGHING: I should, shouldn't I?

Oh...

This is nice.

Catching up.

We should do this more often, the three of us.

Or I could bring someone. Right. Bring your dad.

No, I meant a girl.

If I met a girl. I would bring a girl.

Yeah, yeah, just... just let us know.

Was there anything else?

No.

Th-th-that's all, folks!

I've never done that before in my life. Oh.

There you are, how did that go?

No! HORN TOOTS

I was meaning to ask, actually, what's the food like here?

Uh, well, we don't know,

because some guy keeps interrupting us before we can take a bite.

Oh, right, right. Um, well,

do you want to take a bite now?

What, you-you want to watch?

Well... Yeah, yeah, OK, sure. I'll... I'll try some.

Moist.

And how does it, er, taste?

Like eggs. Oh, excellent.

Or should I say eggs-ellent?

No. No. I've also been meaning to ask, you know this one, Tim,

what is an egg, is it a vegetable or what food group would you put it in?

An egg is a member of the protein food group.

Egg is a member of the protein... Of course, of course.

Eggs-ellent. I've done that one.

Did you fall over today? Well, I think I've, um...

I think I've got the information I came for. So, I, I...

I shall bid you adieu.

Adieu!

OK. Bye.

Just go back.

Come on, you can do it.

Go, go, go! Go back.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry to do this. Mister, you just keep your hands

on the table where I can see them.

Wait... are you in on this?

Is this one of your jokes that I don't get?

I just want to make it clear, I have nothing to do with this.

OK. Well, I wanted to show you...

I'm getting my own TV show.

Oh. Well, that's-that's-that's great, Richard, but, um,

now might not be the best time.

Yeah, I wasn't going to say anything, but...

...you forced it out of me, Tim. Grrr!

Did I? Yeah, it's a Dr Sparrow spin-off.

Oh! OK, well, that... That's amazing.

Congrats, man.

Is that everything? "Is that everything?"

Is that everything?

OK, well, while you're thinking about it,

what is it you wanted to show me? So...

No, don't! What is going on, Richard?

Just don't make any decisions now.

What do you mean? What does he mean?

I really don't know.

I just wanted to show you my dad's old ring.

Oh! Oh, did they clean it up all right?

Yeah, did a really good job, actually. Aww.

That's your dead dad's, that's your...

It's your dad's ring.

I... I...

I saw him with flowers in the jewellers and I thought I...

I...

HORN TOOTS

Saved by the horn!

Yeah, this has been...

Yeah, I'm going to go now.

I'm not hungry any more.

No. Me either.

Thanks for getting me out of that.

But I beeped you because I wanted you to go into the shop

and put my lottery on. No!

No, just drive, as quick as you can!

Oh, right. So, how did that go?

I can't feel my legs. Oh, dear. Right.

I'll just sort my mirrors.

No, forget the mirrors!

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

Just take your time.

You're shouting! I'm panicked!

I'm sorry, OK?

Nice and easy. Nice and easy. Engine on. Engine on.

ENGINE STARTS Biting point. Biting point.

Accelerator.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

Engine on. Engine on. Accelerator. Accelerator.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

Right, go on, get out, I'm driving.

Ah, I'll just nip in and do my lottery. No.

No, no, no. It'll only take a minute, for heaven's sakes.

Oh!

Who put that there? Heh!

BRAKES SQUEAL

Sh... Oh.

All right, Richie? What are we like, eh?

Ken Pritchard?

Don't mention it.

Eh... that's me.

If you'd like to follow me.

Look, I'm sorry the driving lesson got a bit out of hand earlier.

You'll be fine, Dad.

And, just so you know, you have plenty of uses.

Like a... multi-tool.

Aye.

Exactly. Ha!

Good luck.

PHONE RINGS

Sally, hi. Richard, how are you?

Please tell me you've got good news.

Well, you know, I just might.

Now, tell me, what was your character called again?

Dr Sparrow.

Hello? Not Judge Baskir, then?

INDISTINCT CHAT

Oh, my...

Are you all right? Shall we phone an ambulance?

Dad?

I failed.

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