Original subtitles

Dad, why have you sent me a petition

to stop people feeding bread to the ducks in the park?

URINATING

Oh, and why are you peeing with the door open again?

Oh, morning. Dad, how many times have I told you

to just close the door?

What did you say?

Face the front!

I was facing the front until you started yabbering at me.

Just...

PEEING CONTINUES

See how easy that is?

Eh?

PEEING CONTINUES

Did you get the petition I forwarded to you

about feeding the ducks bread?

It has no nutritional value whatsoever.

PEEING CONTINUES

Eh?

PEEING CONTINUES

PEEING CONTINUES

By jings, it's a long one, this.

I don't suppose you know

where the only working phone charger is?

I'm on 5%. Oh, I lent it to Beth.

You lent it to Beth?! Yes.

She needed a phone charger.

I need a phone charger!

Well, you'll have to call Beth.

Ugh!

What day is it today?

Monday. Monday.

This Monday?

Yes, Dad, today is this Monday.

You will be looking forward to your birthday on Saturday, eh?

I've booked a wee table at the new Italian.

I told them on the phone I'd be having the lasagne.

Well, you'll be eating alone, I'm afraid.

Eh? Well, I just don't feel like there's much worth celebrating

in my life right now.

What do you mean? What do you mean, "What do I mean?"?

This isn't how I saw my life at 40,

living at home in Forres with my dad, sleeping on the sofa bed

in my childhood bedroom.

Plus, Emily's with Tim now.

I mean, what does she see in him? What's he got that I don't?

Well, he's got a house, he's got a car, he runs his own business,

and, of course, you've already mentioned he's got Emily.

But, yeah, apart from that...

I just thought by 40 I'd be living in my terraced house in Notting Hill

with my wife, and maybe a little Richard running around.

The singer?

Kids!

Oh, right, right, right.

MOBILE RINGS

Sally, hi.

SALLY: Now, I'm telling you the smell is still here.

Sally?

Well, I don't know what it is do I, Pippa? I'm not a cleaner.

You're my assistant, you work it out,

and do it somewhere else, please.

I have to call Richard Pritchard.

No. You have called me, Sally, it's Richard.

Oh, God knows!

I don't know why I bother.

There's never any offers for him.

To be honest, I've stopped putting his name forward for things.

Oh, the director mentioned me by name?

Yes, maybe the smell is his career dying.

Ha! That's very good, Pippa.

OK. Let's get this over with.

PHONE BEEPS

Er, oh, thanks, Sally.

No, you take care.

Good news, eh?

God.

Hi, I'm Tim Village, and I coach men to unlock their true potential.

I truly believe that what starts in the gym,

ends with you nailing that presentation in the boardroom

and getting the confidence to ask out that girl of your dreams -

or boy, if you...

So give me a follow if you want me to help transform your life,

because it takes more than a village.

Tim Village.

Oh! I've gone and followed him.

Oh.

No, no.

Unfollow. Unfollow!

No!

God!

God!

WHYYY?

CLICKS HIS TONGUE AND SIGHS

You all right?

Do you know I really believed

I was going to be a successful and respected actor.

What am I going to do, Dad? I'm completely broke.

Well, maybe you could get yourself a real job.

Exactly.

There's nothing I can do.

Listen, son, if I've learnt anything over this past year,

it's that feeling sorry for yourself doesn't change anything.

What you need is a wee part-time gig.

You know, something to tide you over.

Ian and Jen, they're looking for some help at The Beastie.

It'd be humiliating.

My face is on the Wall of Fame.

Yeah.

But you could maybe ask them to take your picture down.

You're kidding me! It's all I've got to show for my career.

Well, just think of it as a wee diversion, maybe,

on the way to better things.

Look at that Robert de Niro fella.

He drove a taxi.

Aye, whilst researching Taxi Driver, for which he won an Oscar.

Well, what about that other boy, the left-footed boy,

played the Guildford Four, the president with the funny chin.

Daniel Day-Lewis?

Aye, that's him.

He did lots of other things.

He was a cobbler.

I suppose when you look at it like that.

I mean, I'm not comparing myself Daniel Day-Lewis.

Very wise.

Well, it...

It wouldn't be like I was actually working there.

It'd be more like a...

What's it called? A sabbatical.

You know, mixing with the salt of the earth,

filling up my inspiration cup.

I would think of it more along the lines

of filling up your bank account, maybe.

Yeah, I do feel bad about not paying rent here.

Ach.

No, no, honestly, I've been here for a while now

and I want to contribute.

So, don't argue. OK.

Well, maybe argue a wee bit, if you...

Drink your tea before it gets cold.

Can I just say what an honour it is

for you to even consider The Beastie as your potential employer.

Don't mention it.

What would the shift pattern be?

Shift pattern.

What a lovely turn of phrase, Richard. Oh.

Well, right now it would be Tuesday and Thursdays,

so that Jen and I can have our date night.

Our marriage counsellor's idea.

She said we should introduce date nights to our marriage

to give us a break from the norm.

So, I'd be by myself behind the bar?

Yeah, but we'd just be at one of those tables over there.

Oh... Oh, you're having your date nights here?

Best pub in Forres.

Where else would we go?

Fair comment.

So, oh, do you have any previous bar experience?

Um, no.

Ah. Not to worry.

Next question.

Tell me what do you see here?

Just say what you see.

A moth.

Funny looking moth.

Aww.

We were looking for Satan himself.

Well, it's interpretative, isn't it?

So, say during your shift the pub catches fire.

Now, you only have time to save one of us.

So, who do you save?

Come on, that's... that's a bit difficult.

It's just a bit of fun. Yeah, yeah!

There's no right or wrong answer.

I'll make it easy for you.

I'm lying right by the door.

Er, OK, and where's Jen?

She's in the cellar, trapped under a crate of Schweppes.

Agh!

Right. Well, in that case, um...

I'd save you, Ian, because you're by the door.

What about Jen?

What...? Um, well, I know, but I just thought...

I'd be burnt to a crisp, Richard.

I know, but...

No, it's fine.

I just didn't realise you felt that way about me.

Oh, my love. Oh, if you'll excuse me. Oh, I'm sorry, Jen.

No, I need to go. I'll be fine. Don't follow me!

DOOR SLAMS

Women and children, Richard.

Everybody knows you save them first.

Why did you put yourself by the door?

Don't you pin this on me!

Well, just ask me again and I'll say I saved her.

So I burn to death now? What do you want me to say?

Thank you for coming in, Mr Pritchard.

We'll be in touch.

Actually, I work here, so you leave.

Yes, sir, what can I get you?

MOBILE KEYS CLICK

Who are you texting?

Not that it's any of your business,

but I'm asking Beth if she'd like to come to dinner on Saturday,

if you are adamant about being a right misery guts.

I am.

Well, could you turn off the sounds, at least?

MOBILE KEYS CLICK

Eh?

The key tones.

The sounds of the letters.

The noise you were just making.

Right, just... just press a button on your phone.

What, on this phone?

That phone - yes, that phone.

KEY CLICKS Well, can you hear that?

Hear what? Oh, for...

Key tones silenced.

I'm trying to concentrate over here.

If it's all right with you, I'll just finish texting Beth,

is that all right? Mm-hm.

How do I get an aubergine emoji?

Why?

Because I want to tell her what I'm going to grow in my new greenhouse.

Oh.

PHONE ALARM RINGS

Morning! Unbelievable.

Hi. Just... I'm looking for some part-time work.

Um, no.

INAUDIBLE CHAT

Hi, just wondering if you had any...

That's... Right, OK. Right, OK.

DOOR SQUEAKS

Think that might need some WD40.

Hi, how are you doing? I'm just wondering if I could...

Fine, thanks.

Good. Er...

Yeah, I was just wondering if I could hand this in to someone?

I'll get the manager.

Great. Thank you.

Hi. You're here for a job?

Hi. Um, yeah.

Yeah, I wasn't sure if you were hiring

cos there's a closing down sale sign in the window, but...

Oh, yeah, it always says that. Draws people in.

I can do an interview now, if you have time?

Er... yeah. Yeah!

Wait. Do I recognise you?

No. Well, I mean... er...

I was on a TV show. Detective Manners.

It was a bit of a Sunday night staple.

You're the guy from the bed shop.

Also we might have met once in a bed shop.

Do you and your dad just follow me around from job to job?

Well, I think the question is why can you not hold down a job?

Yeah, your question was better.

Annoyingly, we are very short-staffed at the minute.

Are you outdoorsy at all?

Outdoorsy? Big time!

You know, when I'm not indoors, I tend to be... outdoors.

Look, please, I really need this.

I won't let you down, I promise.

We do a probationary period for the rest of the week and...

...take it from there. Seriously... thank you.

What's your name? Richard.

We already have a Richard.

Hi.

You'll have to be Richard 2. Richard, you're Richard 1.

Cool. Any questions?

Can I be Richard 1? No. Then, no. No further questions.

Richard? Oh, hi, just getting some reps in.

Well, so first you follow me on the socials,

and now you're here for a consultation. No, it's not that,

it's just... Please, sit.

So.

Oh, um...

Yeah. Yeah. I'd like to get in shape.

Mm.

I guess I'm interested, Richard... Can I call you Richard?

Yeah, it's my name. I guess I'm interested, Richard,

in the first time you looked in the mirror and thought,

"Hey, who is that guy staring back at me?

"That's not the Richard I know."

Well, there was this one time I got lost in a hall of mirrors.

What I'm trying to get at is... emotionally,

where are you at, man? Er, I...I...

I don't know. I'm living at home with my dad, which is tough.

He's started peeing with the door open, which isn't great.

Er... Oh, can I just check something

about the trainer-person-in-gym confidentiality deal?

Oh, um, well, this is a safe space.

Cool. OK. So, you're living at home with your dad,

he's urinating publicly. Continue.

Well, I'm only there cos I lost my job.

Well, it's not the only reason. I was a bit worried about him

after we lost my mum. When did you lose your mum?

Um, two and a bit years ago.

OK. Let's just pause there.

What was she called?

Jean. Jean.

She sounds incredible.

I lost my dad last year. His name was Douglas.

You see, Richard, we can only experience grief

if first we experience love.

Yeah, I think I've got a coaster that says roughly the same thing.

The thing is, Richard, how do we move forward from that?

Because all we've got is the future.

What about the present?

It's already in the past.

What about now?

It's gone.

Right. Now? Gone.

Now? It's gone again. Yeah, no, I see what you're saying.

What about, like, now? There is no now. It's just past.

That's the point I'm trying to make. Right, so that's gone, too?

Yeah, it's gone, I'm afraid.

Actually, I meant to ask, how on earth did you and Emily meet?

Well, it's a very funny story, actually. Um...

We met in a supermarket.

That's the end of the story? Yeah, that's the end of it.

She's a great gal! Yeah, she really... She really is.

Yeah, and do you know what? You, my friend, are in luck,

because I actually have had a client drop out.

So I do have a space on my transformation programme.

OK. To be honest, Tim - if I can call you that?

Please. Money, it's a bit tight at the moment.

OK. Well, I put it to you, Richard,

how much is it costing you to stay the same?

Well, actually that's free.

OK, look, look, you're a friend of Emily's,

and I'm a big fan of hers, obviously.

So, how about we just pro-bono

whilst you get yourself back on your feet?

What's stopping you now?

I wish I knew.

Welcome. Hmm.

? Happy birthday to you

? Happy birthday, dear Richard

? Happy birthday to you! ?

Thanks. Hip, hip!

Hurray. Hip, hip!

These are getting a bit soggy now. Hip, hip!

Hurray. That's fine for now.

All right, well, please yourself. Here you go.

Oh. HE CHUCKLES

Oh. Thanks, Dad, genuinely.

Anyway...

...about the rent we talked about?

Ah...

Here. Here a wee tenner to yourself, there you go. Oh.

THEY CHUCKLE

How does that feel to be paying your own way again, eh? Eh?

You're moving on up. Yeah.

Look out, world.

Oh!

HE STRAINS

HE FARTS

THEY LAUGH

I mean, that's Robson Green for you.

When he teamed up with Jill Halfpenny,

filming was just a riot. I mean, they're real jokers.

I don't know who any of these people are.

They're my co-stars on Detective Manners.

You did ask. No, I didn't.

No.

No... No, you didn't.

It's my birthday today.

I must be wanting to relive the glory days.

Happy birthday.

What are you, like, 40?

Couldn't you have guessed lower?

What are you doing for it? Nothing much. Keeping it low-key.

Could you buy me and my mates some cider?

What? Why can't you buy it?

I'm 17. We'd let you have a can.

We're hanging out at the duck pond later.

Yeah, thanks, but I'm not spending my 40th with teenagers

drinking cider at the duck pond.

All right, Grandad, chill out.

How are you getting on, Richard 2? Settling in?

Yeah. Yeah. Richard 1 showing you the ropes?

No, I forgot - we also sell ropes.

Made any sales yet? Well, not yet, but I will.

No time like the present.

Richard!

You... work here?

Me? I wouldn't have thought so. Yes, he does.

Well, technically I do, but I'm actually just researching a...

Researching a role. Um...

It's like an outdoorsy rugged type, er... It's called...

...Camp Man. A Camp Man?

No, Camp Man. You say it quickly. Camp Man.

Richard here can help you with anything you're looking for today.

Still waiting for your morning run data, Richard.

Yeah, sorry, I forgot to download the app.

So you're telling me you don't know your elevation gain?

What are you two whispering about?

Nothing.

So, how can I help you?

Well, we're going to Aviemore in a few weeks. I'm running a 10K.

And we just thought we'd do some wild camping afterwards,

so we are looking for your best two-person tent.

A two-person tent for you and Emily?

No, for Ant and Dec. Did we not mention they were coming, too?

Er, well, actually, we're out of two-person tents.

Ah.

What about those? No, I wouldn't go near them. They're not up to it.

Sorry, can I just...? Is everything OK?

We're looking for a two-person tent. Do you know what?

We could go elsewhere. No, no, no need. Please follow me.

We have some lovely two-person tents. Or-Or-Or...

Or have you considered these very roomy, um, one-person tents?

The customers have asked for a two-person tent.

Yeah, I know, but... But these ones are, um...

They're buy one get one free. No, they're not.

I know they're not, right, but they could be, that's...

Richard 2, why don't you pop into the back and do a quick stock take?

OK, you win.

Er, right, 80% off, final offer.

Get out! What?

You heard me, you're fired!

Fine!

Unbelievable!

Just trying to get my jacket!

Um, you just...

Right there for you.

There's a little knack to it.

Plenty of water on your hands, just ease that clay out,

and you feel you've made... CHANNELS CHANGE

Hey. So...

What do you think?

No' too smart, is it? You look great, Dad!

Everything OK?

Aye. Bit nervous.

Well, it's just a dinner with a nice lady

who you've got a lot in common with. Aye.

Will you come with me? No.

Please?

Absolutely not.

I'm having a starter then leaving, OK?

Hello. Table for Pritchard.

Pritchard.

One extra, I'm afraid.

You made me come!

I'm the man that called about the lasagne.

Ah, yes, I remember you.

The rest of your party is actually already here.

Ah. Party?

Oh, I'm going to kill you when we get home.

If I don't kill myself first. Oh, don't be such a mattock.

So, did you get a tent in the end?

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

I should get a 50% commission.

SHE LAUGHS

What's funny? Just what Richard said.

I adore humour.

I can't believe we're all here.

I had one foot out the door

and then all of a sudden... I just got so nervous.

I'm glad you did too, Ken, and it wasn't just me.

It's silly, isn't it?

Personally, I wish we could get rid of them now.

I'll leave. Just sit where you are.

How are you, Ken? Eamonn Holmes? What? Eh?

Yeah, that will happen.

I was watching an episode of Detective Manners today, Richard.

You were in it. Right. Say again?

No, you were just saying about the... What about?

I'm in Detective Manners. Oh, don't boast, Richard.

I'm not boasting. Yes, it was the gay one, you know?

The one where the gay woman kills the gay man

because she's jealous

he got to direct the play for the village fair.

Yeah, but I don't think them being gay had anything to do with...

Say again, son? Don't mumble, Richard. I'm not mumbling!

You are mumbling.

Sorry about that, Beth. Carry on. What was that? What did you say?

Oh, by the way, um, did you manage to gather all your ingredients

for batch cooking tomorrow?

Batch cooking?

Oh, yeah, um, maybe I shouldn't say.

Say what? Um...

Richard has signed up as a new client.

Richard has? What, this Richard?

Oh, and remember, I need that video of you cooking.

I... I'm not going to send you a video of me cooking.

Look, Richard, I need that video,

because otherwise you can't be held accountable,

and if I can't hold you accountable,

then I can't help you transform from who you were to...

Wow. ..to who you want to...

Third one. ..be. Mm!

Mm. OK.

I thought I needed... Um, do you know what, Tim?

You're a lovely guy. Yeah. But I quit. Right?

It's not you, it's me.

Well, it is a bit you, but, um...

I think the problem is, I thought I needed a plan B,

but I just forgot that when you have a plan A,

you just have to make it work.

I mean, I shouldn't be selling tents, you know?

You don't. You got fired. Well, yeah, exactly,

but, no, no, that's exactly it,

because the universe knows that is not my path.

My path is to find truth via performance.

That's... That's what my path is.

Yeah. I don't need a sabbatical,

I need an audition, and that is what...

That is what I'm going to do, so, yeah.

Cheers.

Cheers to me. Just me, is it? That's all right, OK.

Well, here is to life beginning at 40.

You mean 42, right?

What?

I mean, how does this happen? I'm your only child!

Would it kill you to know how old I am?

Don't blame me. I'm a pensioner. What's your excuse?

Well, every actor does it. You shave off a year or two.

Yeah, well, I think you're meant to keep track of the actual number

in your head. Let's just think about this logically, OK?

When was 1984?

I just don't believe this.

I've realised life begins at 40 at 42!

Well, on the plus side, some people think life begins at 50.

So... less time to wait.

If it cheers you up, Richard,

I put your birthday into the Google machine.

Oh, you know, on the online.

And it said you have the same birthday as Audrey Hepburn.

Oh! Oh.

And Michael Barrymore.

Oh.

What do you think happened there, then, Richard?

Ian, Jen.

We've talked it through, and we see now,

although what you said was very hurtful,

it was a hypothetical situation

and you didn't actually leave me to perish.

No. Of course not.

Aye. Water under the bridge.

Which would hopefully put out the fire.

Knowing our luck, we'd end up both drowning in it.

THEY LAUGH

Who would you save in that scenario, Richard?

Just go, Richard! I'm sorry! JEN SOBS

Oh.

Meera Syal guest starred in four episodes in total,

and she's just a fantastic performer,

and incredibly versatile.

Oh, buddy, buddy, sorry, can you not do that?

It's got zero nutritional value for them.

Who the hell is this guy?

DUCK QUACKS

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