All language subtitles for Youre.Dating.a.Narcissist.2025.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264 (SDH)

(calm music)

(door bangs)

- Damn it.
- Come on, Judy.

Open the door.

She's your daughter.

Eva will come around, I promise.

Look, okay, the plan sucked.

We probably shouldn't have
tried to steal his phone

or try to grab his ass.

- Eva, I don't know how
else to get through to you

and it really pisses me off

'cause you've got
so much to offer.

You're so smart, you're so kind,

you're so beautiful.

Why are you trying so hard
when the guy you're with

is so self-centered?

Darling, you need to
wake up and realize,

you're dating a narcissist.

(bell dings)

You call them players,
call them fuck boys,

call them womanizers,

but what we're really
dealing with psychologically

are narcissists.

They're wounded in childhood,

they have an intractable
trauma reaction,

they cannot co-regulate, they
do not mature emotionally.

It's painful for them,

but it is more painful for
those they are involved with

because they act out
when they are not

the complete center
of attention.

Narcissistic red flags can
be challenging to identify

because they often
align with traits

that are celebrated in society.

Alexander the Great was a nark.

Who calls themselves the
great, for Christ's sake?

Cuts off his ear to make
his lover feel guilty, nark.

Colonized Mars

Sure you can, buddy.

Famous narcissists
are easy to flag,

but every day, not
so easy to spot

because they can be our friends,
they can be our coworkers,

they can be our neighbors.

But when it is our lover.

I have designed this
class to empower you

to recognize a narcissistic
lover before it's too late.

Excuse me.

Prepare chapter three for
when we meet next week.

Sorry about this, it's yours.

- Wait, Dr. Kaplan?

- Yeah.
- Before it's too late

for what?

- For your psyche to be
shattered completely.

(bouncy music)

- Oh you lying sack of shit.

Fool me thrice, shame on me.

What an ass hole.

Ha, you wanna play games, bitch?

I'm ready, I'm limber,
I've stretched.

Let's go.

Get outta my office,
get outta my life.

You love your shit
out the window.

- Diane, Diane, they're
calling campus security.

- Call 'em, the whole
world should know

that Lauren Evans
is a fucking liar.

(item clanks)

She was supposed to
be in court today

to finalize her divorce.

- Let me guess, she didn't show.

- No, no, no, she showed.

She was asking for
a variance approval

so that she and her wife
could build the back porch.

She's still very married, Judy,

not separated like she told me.

Should have seen me
hiding behind a pillar

ducking and diving
like a psycho.

My calves are sore.

Fuck, you see this chair?

I bought her this chair.

Expensive ass chair,
you know I got her this

from West Elm, ungrateful.

(Diane grunts)

It's heavy.
- Diane, Diane,

you just calm down.

This isn't you, okay?

You're a very intelligent woman.

You have two degrees, it's okay.

You have a Brandelle prize.

(chair clanks)

(fingers snap)

Okay?
- You're right.

You're right, God, what
has happened to me?

- Dating a narcissist,
she's a nark.

And women can be even more
covert than the male variety.

- Judy, you and I
are good friends,

but I hate when
you call her that.

- You just don't wanna
face the facts, honey.

- You don't either.

Narc is a narcotics agent.

I've been in the psych
lounge, they say narcy.

- No, it's not narcy though.

It's not like a
Disney character.

People need to be
warned, it's that hard K

that really gets the
point across, it's scary.

- Fine, fine.

But it doesn't mean
Lauren is a narcissist.

- Okay, since
you've been dating,

has her constant hot and cold
behavior made you so anxious,

that you can't stop pooping?

- How'd you know that?

- Because your body knows
what your brain does not.

That the Lauren you think you
know is not the real Lauren.

She acts charmingly, but she's
only out for her own gain.

You think Dr. Jekyll,
Mrs. Hyde, anxiety poop.

- Jesus Judy,
she's not that bad.

- But she is though.

- You still wanna
be right, don't you?

- Diane, let me help you.

In the next few days,

you're going to wanna
reach out to her.

You're to wanna
make a phone call.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm never talking
to her ever again.

- Okay, be that as it be,

if it happens, you just
call me instead, okay?

Hey, anytime day or night.
(phone rings)

Is that her?

- No, Stan, you tell the
journal if they wanna get

my projections on the
inverted yield curves,

they have to wait and read
my paper like everyone else.

Patience is a virtue,
have you heard of it?

How have you never heard of it?

It's Confucius, read a book.

How much?

(lively music)

♪ Turn around baby ♪

- 22 years old and
you're the entire

fucking package, darling.

Brains, beauty, loving
heart, cute butt.

Looks like a damn peach.

(phone dings)
- Eva, you're blowing

up in here.
♪ I always show ♪

- Eva.
- Huh?

- You're blowing up in here.

- Oh, sorry.

(phone dings)

- Ooh, it is Gray
Van's guy again.

You gotta hit him back.

- I know he's sweet, but I just-

- Broke?
- No, he's actually

got a great job.

- Balding or something?
- No.

- What, does he have
a tooth that gets food

stuck in there all the time?

- [Eva] No, thank God.

- Okay, then what is it?

- I just, I don't
have that feeling.

- Oh, that feeling.

That's a high bar, babe.

- Yeah, but what
about passion, Chloe?

- Passion fades.

- Oh my God, you
sound like my mother.

Always tell me to
be smart about guys,

but love, it's not smart, is it?

It's messy and it's torturous

and it's sublime.
- Okay, Jane Austen, Jesus.

And I love your mother.

- [Eva] Yeah, she is a keeper.

(lively music)

- The problem is when you
first meet, they seem amazing.

(lively music)

(upbeat music)

(bike clanks)

(Eva yells)
(van horn hoots)

- I gotcha.

You okay?

- And they make you
feel as if you're in

some kind of fairytale.

(gentle music)

- Yeah, it's just a sprain.

Ice and compression will help.

- Thank you so much, seriously.

I can't believe I'm
such an awkward clutz.

- I love awkward clutzes.

- What? Are you
flirting with me?

- What, me?

No, this is awkward.

- So gorgeous, charming, witty.

- It's really nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

Can I?
- Yes, please, oh my God.

Sorry.

- I have something
for you I think.

Yeah, this will help.

- But Cinderella's
about to get fucked

and not in a good way.

- [Diane] It's been weeks and
all I do is think about her

day and night.

- Unscrambling your brain

after a narcissistic
relationship is hard.

We have to find ways
to calm your mind.

Neural pathway reset.

- If you could just
let me call her once,

once.
- No, no, no, no,

absolutely, no, no.

Once you hear her voice,
it's going to spin you out.

Well, if you're really
serious about moving on,

there's only one way to do that

and that is to follow the
golden rule of no contact.

Cut off all communication.

Block her.

- Block her?

- Delete her.

You can do it, you can do it.

You don't wanna end up like
Barb in statistics, do you?

- I haven't heard, did she die?

- No, that nark messed
with her so badly,

she couldn't even, couldn't
trust the weather report.

- Sweet Barb.

I'm not Barb.

Fine, okay.

Okay, I'll do it.

(phone rings)

- Oh.

- [Eva] Mom, hi.

- Hi.

Hi hon, how are you?

How's the semester going?

How are you?

- Mom, you are never
gonna believe this,

I'm engaged.

- What?
- His name is Theo

and he's amazing.

- Hi.

- What?

You're joking, right?

- No, mom, look at the ring.

(phone clanks)

Hello, mom?

- Oh, Judy.
- Mom?

Mom?

- Oof, that went well.

- Well, you know, she'll
love you, I promise.

- Engaged after six weeks?

I've had deli meat
longer than that.

- You don't eat deli meat.

- From dating to engaged,
it's classic fast forwarding.

Red flag.

- What's fast forwarding?

- Something that
narks are known for.

Have you not read
my book, Diane?

- I couldn't get past
the list of people

you didn't wanna thank.

Wait, he's a hottie,
29 years old, perfect,

and he speaks French.

They're cute together, look.

- No, no, oh, he's
love bombing her.

Oh, he's showering her
with compliments and gifts

that seem too good to be
true because they are.

Oh, look at this one, that
is a classic nark move.

- What?

What's wrong with
playing tennis?

- Oh, he probably
doesn't even like tennis.

He's mirroring her, he's
pretending to like everything

that she likes.

He's creating a false
sense of security.

Makes her trust him.

- Damn, that's dark.

- Yeah, fast forwarding,
love bombing, mirroring,

all red flags, Di.

- Okay, let's not
jump to conclusions.

Eva's a very smart girl.

- Yes, but she's
also incredibly sweet

and she wears her
heart on her sleeve.

She's always been
classic nark bait.

- Nark bait?

- Hey, read my book.

- Oh shit, Theo's a doctor.

That's good, right?

- No, that's worse
than I thought.

You ever heard of
the God complex?

- Okay, well then let's
look at Eva's page.

See if she's posted about Theo.

They're like catalog
models, my God.

Aw, look at you.

(gentle music)

- [Judy] No, no, no.

(gentle music)

(book clanks)

- Well, that escalated quickly.

You can't just barge in on Eva

and yell nark at the top
of the Hollywood sign.

- Well, something like that.

- What about your classes?

- Ben. Ben can
take care of them.

- This is not a good idea.

Eva is in love.

If you go all Judy on
her, she'll cut you off.

- All Judy?

- Sorry, I know you mean well.

Isn't Eva coming here anyway
at the end of the semester

for the show?

Come on, you could just
check him out then.

- She needs me.

- Okay, okay, well
fucking Bon Boyage.

- Okay, who's texting you?

I feel it.

- No one.

- Is that Lauren?
- No.

No, yes, yes, yes, okay?

She just wants a
chance to explain.

- No, she wants to lure you back

with some kind of sob story.

You've gotta go
gray rock on her.

- What?
- Zero emotions back.

Block her, delete her for God's
sake like I told you, okay?

You can do it.

- I don't think I can do it.

I can't do it.

What?
- You're addicted.

- Hey, hey, give me my phone.
- Come with me.

Getting away will be
still good for you.

Come on, trust me.
- No.

- It's going to be good
for you, I promise.

Come, come.

- Fuck it, I'm at
rock bottom anyway.

(bouncy music)

Hey, can we at least
pick up some clothes?

♪ So enchanting in every way ♪

♪ It's ever lasting every day ♪

♪ Sweet obsession,
rose bouquet ♪

♪ Oh, it's heaven
or so they say ♪

♪ I wouldn't mind ♪

♪ Are these songs just telling ♪

♪ Plain old lies ♪

♪ Because that's everything
I know about love ♪

(gentle upbeat music)

♪ Everything I know about love ♪

- Here goes nothing.

- Nothing like a red eye.

- Good can listen to the GPS.
- It wasn't that bad.

Okay, never trust the GPS.

It's always misleading us.

Oh God, I hope she
has a coffee machine.

Just grind the beans
and I'll snort it.

- [Judy] Hope she
has a toothbrush.

- Oh, I forgot mine too.

- Oh, I meant for you, yeah.

(gentle music)

♪ Captivating ♪

♪ Angel eyes ♪

- Okay.
(door knocks)

♪ Butterflies ♪

- Is she home?

♪ Prove to me ♪
(door knocks)

- Shall we get that?
- No, they'll go away.

(Eva chuckles)
(door knocks)

- [Judy] Eva, are you home?

- Oh my God, my mother.

- What?
- Oh my God, it's my mother.

Oh my God.

(gentle music)

Okay, you've gotta
get outta here.

- But I wanna meet your mother.

- Not like this, you don't.

Go, go, go.
- Wait, wait, I can't

get out naked like this.
- Out the back door, go, go.

- Eva.

Oh, surprise.
- Oh my God, hi.

(Judy and Diane chuckle)

Hi.

- Well, you artsy.

- Come on in.
- All right.

Barefoot, that's
how they do it here.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hello my, oh.
- Hi, mom.

- [Judy] Oh, what
were you doing?

Looks like you're
up to something fun.

- Sorta, yeah.

- [Judy] Wow.

- I think that'll be the
piece I submit for the show.

She's still a work in progress.

- [Diane] It's really
incredible, Eva.

- And she reminds me so much of-

- Of that sweet girl
we saw in Pont Neuf.

- Yes, yes.
- Yeah.

- You remember?
- Yeah.

I mean, it's not every
day you get surprised

with the trip to Paris.

- No, well, it's not every
day that you get accepted

to one of the most prestigious
arts programs in the country.

I'm just so proud of you.

So proud of you.

So proud of you.

So proud of you,
so proud of you.

- So proud.

- Does this display
sentimentality

mean you're gonna tell me
why you're really here?

- Yes.

Well, I was tired,
I needed a break.

- Break, you're on spring break.

- Spring break.
- Spring break.

- Diane had never
been here before.

- I've never been to LA.

We needed a break, so
I thought I'd check out

the Gold Coast kind of.
- Right, okay.

I love you, mom,
but I also know you.

- I know.
- And I know

that I didn't always
listen growing up,

but I promise you that
some stuff got through.

Like I understand, I
understand we got engaged

really quickly and you're
probably freaking out in all,

you know, red flag, Eva.

- Oh.
- oh that's good.

- Thank you, but I don't know,

Theo's not like that.

I promise, he's...

He's incredible.

He's a doctor and
he loves his family

and his dad was a diplomat.

So he's lived all over the world

and he knows everything
about art and books and films

and I don't know.

I've tried to find a flaw,
I swear, but I can't.

Even his sweat smells good.

- Yummy.

- Look, if you're here to
try to talk me out of it,

you might as well turn
around and go back home.

- No, I'm here to meet
this non-odorous man

that's stolen your heart.

When can I meet him?

- I don't know.

- You don't know?

- Well, are you gonna be nice?

- When am I not nice?

- Tyler, who I went
backpacking in Europe with.

- Oh, who?
- No, Tyler.

He's the marine biologist.
- This is not registering

- Tyler.
- Tyler up in Monterey.

This guy, we dated
almost a year.

- Oh, that guy.

The guy who says irregardless.

Well, I'm here, so yeah, I'm
going to meet Theo, right?

- Okay, okay.
- Okay?

Okay.
- You'll get to see

just what kind of
a guy he really is.

- [Judy] Guys a fucking nark.

- [Diane] You haven't
even met him yet.

What do you have,
narkdar or something?

There were no red flags.

Eva said nothing bad about him.

- Yeah, but I know my daughter

and she's deep in the
idealization phase.

That's where everything's
perfect and they're perfect

and you're perfect and can't
keep your hands off each other.

Sex morning, noon, night.

- That sounds so fun.

- Yeah, well, it is fun.

- It's the honeymoon
phase, isn't that normal?

- No, no, no because as soon
as you're not perfect anymore,

that's when they
move into phase two.

- Phase two?

- They devalue you.

They gaslight you, go
cold on you, lie to you,

and when you beg them
for a shred of truth,

then they say you're crazy.

- Oh, I hate that.
- Yeah, the old,

you're crazy lady thing.

And then that goes on and on

until you do something
totally bananas,

like spy on them or
go through their mail

or accuse them of
being in the mafia

and that's what triggers
phase three, discard.

- And that is?

- Oh, what it sounds like,

you get thrown out like
yesterday's garbage.

- Damn, you really
think Theo is like that?

(Julie hums)

- Hello, my daughter just

booked us two rooms
- Oh nice.

- [Judie] under Kaplan.

- [Sam] What brings
you out west?

- [Diane] Oh, just
a little R and R.

- Well, you came
to the right place.

Oh, my boss, the owner.

He's the sweetest man.

- I'm sure.

- Yeah, well, not my type.

Ugh, for you, my
friend here might-

- My heart breaks for him.

He lost his wife a
couple years ago.

- Oh, how'd he lose her?

Push her off a cliff?

- Judy.
- Pardon?

- Oh, sorry, you'll have
to excuse my friend.

She's hasn't had her meds.

- Thank you.

- Right down the hallway.

- Di.
- Don't worry,

it's just the nark
support group chat

with Barb from statistics.

- [Judy] No, contacting Lauren.

- [Diane] I'm not gonna
send any sexy texty, okay?

I forgot my ring light.

- Yes, no photos to that
soul sucking vampire.

Hey, you know,
vampire literature

was all based on narcissism?

An extremely seductive
stranger brings you close

only to suck the
life out of you.

You didn't know that, did you?

- Oh.
- Now you do.

- [Diane] I think I'll
watched Twilight tonight.

(gentle music)

- Ah.

Tuscan columns and
gothic windows.

- That's modern chique.

- It's large.

- His grandfather used to
own a lot of the property.

He actually named him after him.

Theodore Dante Keller the third.

(Judy clears her throat)

- What? He a third?

- Oh my God, I told you that.

- No, you did not, no.

- Mom, please, you
told me he would try.

See what I see.

(door click)

- There's my girl.
- Here he is, hi.

(gentle music)

- Judy, welcome.

Oh come on, we're huggers here.

Oh, I hope you don't mind.

Aw, welcome.

Come on in, come on in.

- [Eva] Doesn't he
smell delicious?

- Oh, here they are.

Judy, meet the Keller clan.

- Oh, hello.
- It's such a pleasure

to meet you.
- Yes, likewise.

- I'm Mary.
- Hail, Mary,

I mean, hello Mary.

- These are my daughters
and their husbands.

The whole family.

- So you have two sisters?

- [Theo] Yes.

- And you're the only son.

- The baby.
- He's my special one.

Born abroad.

(Mary speaks in
foreign language)

That means my little prince.

- [Judy] I know what it means.

- Oh, honey, there's
just a little.

- What?
- Oh, I don't know.

- Oh, what?
- There.

- Thanks, mom.
- There you go, all gone.

You wanna follow me?

Sunset's beautiful,
come on, join us.

Beautiful sunset.

- They think they're royalty.

The first place you
look is the parents.

They've built in a sense of
entitlement from day one.

Too much coddling is corrosive.

(gentle music)

(Theo sings in foreign language)

- Eva's such a
wonderful young woman.

You must be very proud of her.

- Oh, yes, yes.

And Theo, your son.

- Yes.

- He plays the guitar.

- He does.
- Yes, yes.

(gentle music)

You have a lovely view.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- I think it'll be perfect
next month, don't you think?

- Yeah, beautiful next month.

Excuse me.

- The wedding is
here next month.

But you knew that.

(everyone applauds)

Honey, just play
one more, would you?

- Listen to me, you
don't have to do this.

You don't have to
rush into this.

You can just wait.

- Okay, but we don't
want to, we're in love.

We're soulmates.

- Major red flag.

Narcissists are always
saying that soulmate

or it's the destiny or some
other kind of cosmic bullshit.

They're really tricky.

They take your money,
they take your dignity,

they push your boundaries.

It's the anal sex you
said you never do.

- Maybe I like anal sex.

- Well, no, you
don't, nobody does.

- I saw you sulking when
Theo was playing guitar

and do not think I didn't
hear that comment you made

about how much rare meat he ate.

- Narcissists have really
weird eating habits.

We think it has to do with
their left anterior insula,

has correlates to a
vitamin deficiency.

- Do you know how
insane you sound?

- Yes, I do.
- Okay, if you can't

knock it off with all
of this nark bullshit

and just be a regular
mom who is happy for me

and watches me walk down the
aisle and blows me a kiss,

I want you to go back
to New York, okay?

- I'm not a regular mom.

This is my version of a kiss.

(intense bouncy music)

- Okay, yeah, sure.

Excuse me, Ms. Judy Kaplan.

Excuse me, Ms. Judy Kaplan.
- Oh no, no, no.

Please don't.

- What?

- This.

- I'm sorry, I don't understand.

I'm the owner of the hotel.

- [Judy] Oh, hello, owner.

- Oh, see, my father
once taught me that

no matter how bad of a
day you might be having,

someone else is
probably fighting

really tough.
- See, that's a line

men like you use.

- Men like me?

- Good looking men who make it
their hobby to prey on women.

My father, blah, blah, blah.

And what, do you use that
line three times a week

on three different women
and they go to bed with you?

- Wow.

- Wow what? I'm not right?

You're standing here, ain't you?

- I just wanted
to give you this.

You forgot it when
you checked in.

- Oh, my license.
- Yeah.

(intense bouncy music)

- New Yorkers.

(gentle music)

- [Diane] The linen
is just so soft here.

- This is your room?

- Yeah. Nice, right?

- That receptionist hates me.

- Look at the balcony.

This is my vision board.

And I think the cows
are happier here.

Look, try this cheddar.

Just a bite.

What? No cheese?

What's going on?

You're all in your head.

- Another part of this nightmare

is that I keep
ruminating about Edward.

- Wait, your ex's
name is Edward?

I've never heard you
say his name before.

It's always ex-nark
or nark clown

or my personal favorite,
the great destroyer.

- Edward Xavier James the third.

- No, he's a third?

That's a red flag.

- You've been reading my book.

- Well, no contact is hard.

I had to distract
myself somehow.

So tell me, how did
you of all people

end up with an Edward?

- Oh, it's so typical, I
don't wanna talk about it.

I was 22 years old, I had just
won the Rhodes Scholarship.

- Okay, that's not
typical, but go on.

- One of 32 people
in the United States,

the only one from Killington,
Vermont, I can tell you that.

They threw me a parade.

My girlfriends took me
to New York to celebrate.

We went ice skating
in Prospect Park.

I was just there
with my girlfriends,

I'm minding my own business,

and he's staring at me like
I'm some kind of arcade prize.

He can't take his eyes off me

and I just fell for
the whole thing.

He put my cold hand
in his warm pocket,

blew a snowflake off my eyelash.

- Who are you?

- Then he took us
all out to dinner.

It's complete bukkake.

- I don't think that means
what you think it means.

- By the time I figured out
who the real Edward was,

it was too late.

I was married, I was pregnant,
I never went to Oxford,

I never went anywhere.

- How can you say that?

Look at your career.

You're a writer, a psychologist,

a professor at a top college.

- Doesn't matter, I gave him
too many years of my life.

- Kind of hard on
yourself, Jude.

- And this time it's my daughter
and if I can't protect her.

- Okay, just because
it happened to you

doesn't mean it's
happening to her.

- Well, I don't want her
throwing her life away.

You know what that's like.

- Don't attack me on a balcony.

Keep your voice down.

- Well, you're giving her life,

she's giving her life away.

- [Patron] Oh, don't do that.

- I'm just semi off focus.

You know what, just
stay out of it.

It's fine, let's think.

Oh, I just started
reading that part

where you talk about how
narcissists can't stay faithful.

- Yeah.

- Well, if Theo's
actually an nark,

then Eva's gonna find something
incriminating soon enough.

- Right, right.

We've gotta find a
secondary supply.

- What? I haven't
gotten that far.

- Narks, they have
incredibly fragile egos.

They need a steady
stream of validation.

That's their supply.

So Eva is his primary supply,

that means he must
have a secondary supply

around another woman.

- Wait, so that's
all I was to Lauren?

Her secondary supply.

- Yep, that's all you were.

Oh, no, no, no, you're
incredibly special.

You are so brilliant and you
have incredible fashion sense.

Look at those shoes.

- Well, it's a pop of color.

I'm good at what I do.

- Well, I hope they're
ready to hit the pavement

so we get some dirt on Theo.

- Wait, we're not
gonna stalk him.

- Gonna stalk him.

- We're stalking Theo, okay.

Let me change

(bouncy music)

- [Judy] There he is.

- Well, yeah, he looks
like a real ass hole.

- Yeah, well, it's an act.

- What do you think this is?

We are the ones acting here.

- Oh, Mr. Do Gooder nark, huh?

- There's different kinds now?

- Well, I could get
into the clinical names,

but this type likes to
rescue all the puppies.

There's the schwartzenegger
nark obsessed with their bodies,

there's Broadway nark whos
talent's gone to his head,

there's the know it all nark

think they're the smartest
person in the room

and they all need their supply.

Oh, look at this.

He's going to get hit off
of flirting with a nurse.

- [Diane] He's being
very professional.

- I saw a little something.

He could have a whole
harem of supply.

- [Diane] A harem, what
is this? The crucible?

- What?

Wrong reference, babe.

Keep eyes on him.

(gentle intense music)

Oh, secondary supply
alert, secondary.

- What?

- You take this one.

- It's Eva.

- It's Eva?
- It's Eva.

- It's not Eva.
- It's Eva, look.

- It's Eva?

- Okay, you know what?

It's not too late to
actually go do something fun.

Like, I kinda wanted to go
see where they filmed "Jaws".

I need to pee.

- Look at that body language.

Do you see how he's
lording over her?

- Lording? He has
his arm around her.

- No, but do you
see how it's draped?

And it's like he owns her.

The next thing you know,
it's gonna be controlling

her every thought,
her every move.

(gentle music)

- Lauren used to
kiss me like that.

Her lips were like
hot little pillows.

- Yeah.

"50 Shades of Gray" nark.

- [Diane] Oh my God, how
many kinds are there?

- [Judy] Two please.

- [Diane] What's a "50
Shades of Gray" nark?

- You know the kind who
obsess over your body

and then they become
pathologically jealous

of anyone or anything
that comes near you.

You become their blow
up doll of possibilities

until your nether regions
become so sore and raw,

you can't even sit down.

Or conversely, the kind to
make all these promises to you

and how great it's going to be.

You get in bed with them
and it's cold and it's weird

because they have
an intimacy problem

and a really nasty porn habit.

The only person they can
have sex with is themselves.

- Judy, not everyone who
falls in love fast is a nark.

There's plenty of warm-hearted,

hopeless romantic
souls out there.

Like my uncle Mike and aunt Roe.

They literally met
sitting next to each other

on a cross country flight.

By the time they landed,
they were engaged

and also banned by Delta

'cause of what they
did in the lavatory,

that's a whole nother story.

The point is, they've been
happily married for 45 years.

- It is really a
beautiful exception.

- Not an exception.

Just nice caring people who
wanna find someone to love.

- But Theo isn't one of them.

- How can you be so sure, Judy?

Honestly, when you're
so outta practice.

- Oh, thank you.

What's that supposed to mean?

- You heard me.

Okay, you're such an authority,

when was the last
time you, you know?

- I what?

Oh my God, was it the
lit professor with
the bushy mustache

at last year's holiday potluck?

- Hmm.
- What?

- They're breaking off,
they're breaking off.

- It was, well, does the
carpet match the drapes?

- Okay, this is not his house.

- Really?
- No.

Come on.

(car door bangs)

(gentle intense music)

Oh shit.

Oh my God, there's
someone there with him.

You see the second shadow?

- [Diane] Is that
a man or a woman?

- I dunno, what
difference does it make?

I can't see shit,
that's a frosted glass.

- Frosted glass.

- Gimme your shoe.
- What?

What? Okay.

- Come on.

- What are you doing?
- One, two, three, go.

(intense music)

(window bangs)

- [Diane] Oh my
God, oh my God, God.

(intense music)

Who is that?

Is that one of his sisters?

- No, that's not
one of his sisters.

(gentle intense music)

Oh.

- Damn.

- [Judy] His supply, Di.

(camera clicks)

(sprinklers rustle)

- Jesus, this is embarrassing
and you owe me a new shoe.

- I'm completely shocked.

- [Judy] Me too, me too.

- No, mom, I'm shocked
that you would stoop

to something like this.

- [Judy] Wait, what
should I have done?

- I don't know, go
home like I asked,

not spy on my fiance
and his friends.

- [Judy] So you know that woman?

- Of course I do.

- [Judy] I know
when you're lying.

I can smell it
through the phone.

- All right, fine, but he's
friends with lots of women.

- [Judy] Friends, they don't
meet up in strange apartments

and just play with
their scarves.

- Mom, I trust him.

- [Judy] Why are
you so stubborn?

- Oh my God, you're the one
who's being stubborn here.

- I'm not stubborn, I'm right.

- Holy shit, holy shit, Judy,

they were engaged.

Simone?

- The dumb dumb forgot
to delete the evidence.

Oh, oh, you just can't keep
track of details, nark,

can you?

Memory connected to compassion,

connected to that
part of your brain

that is so withered and small.

Look how many times he
changed his profile photo.

- [Diane] Wait, this
was three years ago.

- Doesn't matter, he's
still a serial engager.

- We gotta stop.

There has to be a logical
explanation for this.

- I'm calling her back.

Oh, it's called triangulation.

Not the triangle down
there, the triangle up here.

It's when a nark pits you
in a triangle of attention

with someone else.

- You didn't tell me
that you were engaged.

- Naturally, it makes
you competitive.

Who's smarter? Who's sexier?

Who's more successful?

Makes you doubt your worth.

- But I did tell you

- No you didn't.

- Yes, we were at the
little Italian place

the first week we met, remember?

We talked about our
past relationships

and you told me about Tyler
and I told you about Simone.

- I don't remember that.

- Babe, you just forgot.

- Theo, I wouldn't forget
something like that.

I wouldn't forget that
you had been engaged.

- Eva, I swear we
talked about this.

You don't believe me?

- Don't you believe
it for a second!

That's gaslighting, my friend.

- You're needed inside, doctor.

- Yes, I'll be right there.

Thank you.

Look, Eva, I'm an open book.

Do you wanna go
through my phone?

I don't even have a password.

- No, of course not.

I'm sorry, I don't know
why I didn't remember

about you and Simone.

- Well, you're not very good
at remembering things, are you?

Hey, hey, I'm kidding.

No, I love you that
you came here for this.

You're adorable
when you're jealous.

I have to go, I'll
see you later.

I love you, okay?
- I love you too.

(gentle intense music)

I can't believe I'm doing this.

(gentle intense music)

- Yeah.

(Eva yells)

- Huh?

(gentle intense music)

what?

(sprinklers rustle)
Oh no.

- Eva?
- Hi, I saw them.

Didn't look good.

- Oh, darling, I am
sorry, I'm sorry.

I am so, so sorry

and I don't want to
say I told you so,

but I'm very glad that
we found out now, but...

- Eva's asking you
for help, okay?

Last thing she wants is
you to say, I told you so.

- Mom?

Mom?
- Darling,

I told you that I would be
here for you no matter what.

- That's it?

You are not gonna
go all Judy on me?

- Oh, well, I don't
appreciate that phrase,

but you just tell
me what you need.

- Right now, I need a bath.

- Why don't you
come by my suite?

I have an incredible bathtub.

Well, technically
it's Diane's suite.

My room's not so good.

- [Eva] I'll come, but I
don't wanna talk about Theo.

- Okay, okay.

- Okay.

(Diane's hands clap)

- Yes.

- Hit me, thank you.

Eva, are you sure you don't
want me to deal you in?

It'll stop your
head from spinning.

- [Judy] She's right,
it really helps.

- I stopped checking my
phone every three seconds.

- [Eva] Guys, I'm okay.

Here, look.

- Oh.

(gentle music)

You made me look so.

(gentle music)

- Admit it, you're
beautiful, okay?

And you can totally
get back out there

if only you let yourself.

You know, she
refuses to tell me-

- Don't start.

- Wow, who doesn't wanna
discuss men for once?

- I have my work.

I don't need a man
to make me happy.

I don't, why are
you turning on me?

(Diane laughs)

- Okay.

No, listen, I know,

I know that we have fought
hard for economic empowerment

where we don't have
to rely on a man.

- Preach.
- But everyone needs love.

- Love is just dopamine
hitting the limbic system,

baby girl.

- Put that on a Hallmark
card, you romantic.

- Don't you want someone
special in your life?

Someone to hold you,
someone to take care of You?

- Don't you want a
little more wine?

- Don't you want someone to
send you memes besides me?

- Listen, I'm good, okay?

I'm good.
- Oh.

- I'm good.

I'm feeling good.
- She's good.

She's good.
- I'm good,

I'm whole.
- She's feeling good.

Show your daughter what you got.

- Like what we do at
the faculty lounge?

- Yes, when you've had one
too many coconut waters.

Turn this music up.

Oh.
(upbeat music)

♪ I think you want me baby ♪

♪ I ain't no ♪

- Wow.

Show me what you got.
- Show her.

- You know what, how about
you show us what you got?

Get your 20 something
year old hips over here.

Oh, is that how the
kids are doing it?

- Absolutely not.
- Eyes closed.

- Yeah.

- Thank God you're back.

(Diane snores)

(bouncy music)

(railing clanks)
(water splashes)

(bouncy music)

(glass clinks)

(gentle music)

- This is hard
and you can do it.

- Yeah.

(phone rings)

- Is that Theo?

He's going to try
to suck you back in

with some grand
romantic gesture.

- I love grand
romantic gestures.

- Yeah, but honey, not when
they are done manipulatively

to suck you back into
some kind of sick game.

He's already proposed twice

that we know of.
- Mom, how long is it

gonna take you to pack?

- Eva, I'm just
really trying to-

- No, I'm trying to say I
wanna come home with you.

- To New York?

- Yeah, I just, I
need time to think,

I need to clear my head, I
can finish my piece there

and it just, I think
the sooner the better.

- Oh!

Holy shit.
- Okay.

Not right this instant.

- No, I'll get us some
flights right away.

- Okay good, but I need to
stop by my studio first.

- I'll text you all the details.

- [Eva] Are you not gonna
finish your breakfast?

- Yes, of course I'm
gonna finish my breakfast.

I wouldn't go anywhere
without my breakfast.

I'm just going to,
we have plane snacks.

I'll pick you up.

(phone rings)

- What?

(phone rings)

Tyler.

- [Tyler] You got engaged?

(bell dings)

- Hi.

- What? Where are your bags?

- So I decided to stay.

- Really? Well, why?

- For a few days.

You know, I think
it'll be good for me.

Plus I still haven't
gone to the beach

or taken a bath and
that normal stuff.

- Right, that makes sense.
- In and out.

- Oh, excuse me, hello,
I need to check out.

- Yeah, Sam will
take care of you.

- Ouch, what was that about?

- We maybe had a slight
misunderstanding.

- Misunderstanding?

- It went all Judy on him.

- I see.

Okay, that is hard to reverse.

- I'll be right back.

- Hi.
- Checking out?

- No, no, no, actually,
I have a question.

Can we put sparkling
water in the bidet?

- Thank you, welcome, welcome.

Hi, welcome.

Hi, how you doing?

- Hi.

Hi.

(bouncy music)

Hey, yeah, me again.

I just wanted to say that
perhaps I was a bit outspoken

the other day.
- Outspoken?

- Yeah, like an ass hole.

- Well, I wouldn't go there.

- Yeah, well, apparently I can.

So I'm very sorry.

- It's okay.

I appreciate you
saying something.

So you're heading back east?

- Yes, my daughter was studying
here at the Art Institute

and she's getting her
masters at NYU, so.

- Nice, I have two
kids in college myself.

Lights of my life, except
when they're driving me crazy.

- I know, that's something.

We have that in common.

- Yes, yes.

- So glad that I stopped by.

- Please let me, let me.

- No, I really.
- I insist,

do you have your license?

- [Judy] Yes, I have.

Yes, I do.

- Maybe double check.

- Okay, yeah.

Oh, here.
- There it is.

- Well, please visit us
again soon, Ms. Kaplan.

- Yes, thank you.
- Thank you.

- Goodbye, goodbye.
- Bye.

- Goodbye to everyone here.

- Judy, what was that

body language I
just witnessed, huh?

You were like lording over him.

- Did not lord on that guy.
- You were doing

the little ID dance.

I saw you.

Did you at least
get contact infos

for a little sexy texting?
- I'll see you in New York.

(gentle music)

(phone dings)

- [Tyler] Hey, just wanted
to say it was awesome

hearing your voice.

I don't know all the details,

but if this dude can't
see how amazing you are,

he's an idiot.

Call anytime.

I mean, tomorrow's Saturday.

I can even come
down for the weekend

if you want to talk in person.

(gentle music)

- [Eva] Of course she
doesn't gimme time to pack.

- Eva.
- Theo.

I told you not to come.

- This is just a big mistake.

You have to believe me.

- I know what I saw.

- Can I show you something?

- I'm running late.
- It'll take 10 minutes.

Come on, Eva, you owe
me 10 minutes, please.

(gentle music)

- Okay.

Hey, this is Eva,
leave a message.

- Hey, honey, I'm on my way.

I'll see you soon.

- What do you mean this is ours?

- Well, that's why I
was here with Simone.

She's my real estate agent.

- I didn't know that.

- And that's because I
wanted to surprise you.

- I hate surprises.

- Yeah?

Okay, I'll remember
that next time.

(gentle music)

You like it?

(gentle music)

You wanna go see upstairs?
- Yes.

Is that a studio?

Hey, this is Eva,
leave a message.

Hey, this is Eva,
leave a message.

Hey, this is Eva, leave a...

Hey, this is Eva,
leave a message.

Hey, this is Eva.

- I'm so sorry, what's the ETA?

- [Driver] Says It's
only 45 minutes.

- Bye, babe.

(car horn hoots)

Oh shit.

- He hooverd you.

- He didn't, he
didn't hoover me.

Simone's his real estate agent.

It was all misunderstanding,

he's just buying us a house.

- Buy you a house?

Wait, who buys a
house for someone

without asking them first?

Who has the audacity to
buy a home for someone

without checking
with them first?

- It's a really nice house.

- Bullshit, grand
romantic gesture.

Darling, I know
what happens next.

I've lived it, it ain't
happily ever after.

- All right, I am sorry
that you got hurt,

but you have to understand
that not every guy is dad.

- I'm the psychologist here.

- I know, but you've
got your own issues.

- Like what?

- Okay, think about it.

(sad music)

- Hi.

- What are you doing here?

- Having a drink,
tell you all about it.

- Okay, okay.

Why don't we go out?

Yeah, why don't we hit the town?

- I don't want to.

- Come on.

- I don't want to.

- Babe, I love this
perfume you got me.

It smells like us.

Oh hey, Judy.

- Hello, Laura.

- Why don't you gimme the keys

and I'll just take
them back to our room.

(gentle music)

- Don't do that, okay?

I tried my best to stay
away, I really did.

- What about her wife?

- She's divorcing her,
yeah for real this time.

And she apologized for not
telling the truth before.

It was really sincere.
She even cried.

- Why isn't anybody
listening to me?

- Judy, what if
Lauren isn't a nark?

What if she's just a really
messed up, normal person?

- There's no such thing.

- What are you?

- You're either
normal, messed up.

- Okay, okay, thank you so much.

Not cool, Judy.

Thank you for the
PowerPoint presentation.

Oh Judy.

(crickets chirp)
(gentle music)

- [Daniel] So you came back.

- Surprise.

- Ah, bad day, huh?

- One of those days.

- One of those days.

You wanna talk about it?

- Really?
- Yeah.

Sure.

Why don't you just
poison him? Boom.

(Judy laughs)

Anyway, I think Eva
will come around soon.

- I like your optimism.

- What about her father?

Do you think she'll
listen to him?

- She's trying to marry him.

- [Daniel] What?

- Well, she picked
out someone exactly,

exactly like her father,

Edward Xavier James the third.

- The third?
- Yeah.

- That's just wrong.

No, that's trouble.

- Exactly.
- Right?

- Exactly, exactly, she's
making the same mistakes I did.

It's very tragic.

- How did you end
up with a third?

You don't look like it.
- That's a sad story

and I don't wanna tell it

and you don't want to hear.
- Right, come on, no.

But hey, sad stories
make us interesting.

What?

- Well, that's just
dangerously close to a line.

- Oh shit, okay.

Should I try something else?

Check this out.

And it changes, particular
whale, the tropic.

(Daniel speaks in
foreign language)

Got everything here,
we got everything.

(Judy laughs)

So is it working?

- It's not not working.

(gentle music)

- [Edward] It's gonna
be a fantastic party.

- Edward?

- No, Daniel, but it's okay.

- [Edward] Did
you see this pool?

- Think it's Edward.
- The third?

Is that the third?
- I think it's my ex.

Did he see me?

Oh my God, did hear me?
- All right,

just chill, chill.

- Just pretend we're asleep.
- Judy?

- [Judy] Shit,
don't say anything.

- Judy?

Judy.

Oh dear, did I
interrupt something?

It looks like I did.

- Could you excuse us a moment?

- Yeah, sure.

Excuse me.

- Oh God, what the fuck

are you doing here?

- Don't be like that, let's
get a drink, all right?

For old time's sake.

- Old time's sake
is best forgotten.

- Excuse me?

- Best forgotten.

- Look, okay, I know
that I wasn't exceptional

at providing for Eva.

I did pay for that fancy art

camp.
- You did not, no, you didn't.

You did not.

You kept saying you
were going to pay for it

and you never sent that check

and I found out about it

when they were going
to throw her out.

She was mortified.

- Oh, I'm here now, okay?

I'm trying to make up for it.

And look, I'm willing to
pay for the whole thing,

not half like it's
probably expected.

I even booked a honeymoon
suite for her and her hubby

for the first night
- Oh.

- of matrimony.

- The wedding.
- Yeah.

Eva moved it up to this Sunday.

That's why I am here.

She called me a few hours ago.

- Well, I hope your fucking
check clears this time.

- Did you hear he
bought her a house?

So angry.

- [Eva] He's not trying
to control me, mom.

We moved the wedding
to this Sunday

because we just
wanted to get it done.

- Oh because it really starting
to seem like you're doing it

just to torture me.

- Okay, well, as fun as that
may sound right now, no.

I told you I love him.

He's my soulmate.

Do you just throw up a little?

- Yeah.

Eva, a woman would
know if her soulmate

had been engaged before.

- Oh, he's not a
perfect person, mom.

Nobody is.

- No, but he kept
her in his life.

It's weird, right?

I mean, it just...

Eva, it feels weird, right?

- Things will be better
when we're married.

- No, they will not.

- Oh my God, we have issues.

Every couple does, mom,

but you know I believe
love conquers all.

- Not this time,
not with this guy.

You're not that special, Eva.

(paint splotches)

- Maybe you should go.

I'm serious, you're done

- Saying you weren't special
enough sounded harsh,

but the truth is that
when you are with someone

who is toxic, there
is a certain amount

of hubris in staying

because you think
that you are the one

who can make them change.

And that the moments
that you shared with them

are more special
and more magical

than any that came before.

♪ Come with me my love ♪

♪ To the sea, the sea of love ♪

♪ I wanna tell you ♪

♪ How much I love you ♪

(gentle music)

♪ I love you ♪

- But that's just not
true with narcissists.

They have a playbook of moments.

They write the same poems,

they sing the same songs,

they quote the same movies

with every single
lover that they take.

(gentle music)

♪ I love you ♪

- Nothing.

(light clicks)

Hi.
- Hey.

What's going on?

Is that my phone.

- My mother.

- You let her get
into your head.

- Theo, I have to
ask you something

and I need you to
be honest with me.

- What?

- Have you and Simone been
together since we met?

(glass clinks)

♪ Triangulation ♪

- I won't be mad.

I mean, in fact, I get it.

Like I'm still friends
with some of my exes

and this is all
moving really fast.

What, you don't
think I'm scared?

Of course I'm scared and
I completely understand

if you just needed like
a little validation or.

- Wait, wait, wait, you're
friends with your ex?

- But Theo, please, I need
you to be honest with me.

- No, absolutely not.

I love you, Eva.

I can't wait to spend the
rest of my life with you.

We're soulmates.

(gentle music)

Can we go back to
bed now, please?

Thank you.

- But no matter how special
you are, they won't change.

(door knocks)

- Lauren mixed the keys up.

- Because they
can't change, ever.

(gentle music)

(slap claps)

- She brought her
wife out here too.

The only kind of person
who would do that

is a fucking nark.

- Okay, okay, it's okay.

(gentle music)

- I'm sorry.

(sad music)

This is your room?

- Yeah.

Really screwed up with
that receptionist.

(door clicks)

- Thanks for not lecturing me

about falling for
Lauren's bullshit.

- I can't say anything

now that Theo is
marrying Eva tomorrow.

- You're kidding.
- No and Edward is here,

and so I'm just, I'm leaving.

- You're leaving?

- I can't stay here
and watch this happen.

- No, Judy, you can't go.

I wasn't listening before,

but God, these people are toxic,

two-faced, Dr.
Jekyll, Mrs. Draculas.

You have to open up Eva's eyes

before it's too late.

- She doesn't want to hear it.

- Okay, let's show her then.

- Hmm?

- Theo's got two phones.

(bouncy intense music)

Yeah, you wrote that
narks always have

a discreet electronic
device, right?

Like a private iPad or
a second phone for them

to buy that you don't know about

or to secretly sext
your kids' teachers

or to watch as much porn as
they can humanly consume.

- Yeah.

- Theo has a phone
with a blue cover.

Look at this, that is a
Samsung with a red cover.

I caught a glimpse of it
when we were spying on him.

I didn't say anything to you

because I didn't wanna
add to the hysterics,

but I started thinking about it

and Theo never uses his
phone when Eva's around,

not even at the hospital.

- Oh, Diana, you
really are a genius.

- Yeah, so just invite him
here and steal the phone.

- I can't, I'm not
gonna steal a phone.

- Yes, you can steal the phone.

You have to, you must.

- But he might not
even have it on him.

- Judy, narks never go
anywhere without the D-E-D's,

a lifeline to their supply.

Page 53, paragraph two.

- You're quoting me now.

- The only way to out nark
and nark is to nark 'em.

Yes.

(intense bouncy music)

Aha, there it is.

Never trust a man
with an Android.

You green bubble mother fucker.

Here's the plan, okay?

You listening?
- Yeah.

- You're gonna go over there,

you're gonna get him
talking about himself, okay?

He's gonna get high
on the attention

and start feeling
warm and fuzzy,

he's gonna take off his jacket,

hopefully hang it on
the back of his chair.

And when he does, I
swoop in and I steal it.

- Yeah, pew.

- You got it?

- I have it.

- Do you?

- Had it the first five times.

- Yeah, yeah.

♪ Killer, killer,
I'm a whoosie ♪

♪ I'm a clip, boy deal ♪

♪ I'm the plug, I'ma
leave the boss chilling ♪

♪ Got these haters on
my arm, I'm a villain ♪

♪ That's how I'm feeling, yeah ♪

♪ I'm feeling like whoa ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ That's how I'm feeling,
yeah, I'm feeling like whoa ♪

- Theo, thank you for
coming to meet me.

- When Judy Kaplan
calls, you answer.

- Oh, well, no.

So let me cut to the chase.

- Uh-oh.
- No.

You must have been surprised
when I asked you to meet me.

- You don't have a pistol
in that boot, do you?

- No, I do no, no, no.

I know I've been a little bit
negative about the wedding.

- That's putting it mildly.

- No, I haven't
been very welcoming.

I've just been just all Judy,

but now that I see you
together, I've been here,

and I've never
seen Eva so happy.

- Well, I'm glad to hear that.

- So I thought, well,
we're going to be family

in less than 24 hours,

so I should get to
know more about you.

- Okay, what do you wanna know?

- Everything.

(Judy chuckles)

- Everything?

Let's start with a drink.

What are you having?

- What are you having?

- Bourbon.

- That's what I like too.

- Bourbon it is.

- What can I get you?
- Bourbon, please.

(gentle music)

- Judy, Judy.

- [Bartender] here you go.

- [Theo] Thank you.

- Oh.

- To family.

(glasses clink)

- To family.

(bouncy music)

Just lay it on me.

Which hospital were you born in?

- Do you have time?

(Theo and Judy laugh)

- Schnauzer's my favorite.

They always have that little
(Judy speaks indistinctly)

and then it's always caught
in (Judy speaks indistinctly).

Where did you go
to kindergarten?

- Oh my God, all over
the world actually.

- [Judy] A world citizen.

- My dad was working
in his span at time,

he's a diplomat,
he was a diplomat.

I had my friends and
I didn't wanna leave.

- Who was your (indistinct)?
- It was called Chair.

I was a big fan of
Chair, so, yeah.

- That's fascinating.
- My dad was terrific

and my father comes
to me and say,

if you ever climbed
up on the roof again,

I'm gonna make you
sleep up there.

(Thoe laughs)

And of course I didn't.

- Oh, do you smoke?

- Yeah, I know it shouldn't.

You want one?

- Sure, why not?

I was young and stupid once.

- Oh shit, I'm up.

- [Judy] Surgeon General,
what's your thought?

What brand?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa there.

- Oh God, you are gorgeous.

- Excuse me?

- This is my friend,
Diane's, my colleague.

- Diane.

- Hi, nice to meet you.
- With a D.

You smell good.

Let me get a whiff of this this.

(Diane speaks indistinctly)

It's hot.

It's like scorching in here.

(Diane gags)

What is that?

- Bourbon.

- No, no, bourbon, white wine.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I should probably.
- Excuse me.

- Kind of the room is spinning.

The room is spinning, Judy.

Let me just have a little nap.

You finish, get the phone.

- Oh you're not going.

- Yeah, it's getting late.
- No, no, but we're having

so much fun.

- You can stop with the act.

- What? What act?

- What act?

You invite me here, you
try to get me drunk,

then your friend hits on me.

- She's not hitting on you.

- She grabbed my ass.

- A little bit.

- I don't understand.

Why can't you trust me?

- I don't trust you.

- All I wanna do is love Eva.

She's my heart.

- She's my heart.

- You know what?

You're just a
lonely, bitter woman

who has nothing to cling
to but her daughter.

- Well, that might be true,

but I'll tell you
this, you are a fraud.

And when that mask
you're wearing falls off,

I'm gonna be right
here to catch it.

- Judy, I'm gonna
marry Eva tomorrow

and there's not a God damn
thing you can do about it.

- Oh, yes, there is.

- What?

What are you doing?

- Just gimme your phone.

Just gimme the, gimme your,

gimme your phone.
- Give you my phone?

Are you out of your mind?

- [Judy] Give me your...

- No, no, no.

(intense music)

No, no.

What are you doing?
- Let have the sleeve.

- Mom, mom!

What the hell is wrong with you?

What is going on?

- He has two phones.

- Yeah, because he's a doctor.

My God, I knew this
was a bad idea.

Are you okay?

Don't bother coming
to the wedding.

You are completely toxic.

(sad music)

- Don't call the cops.

Judy, Eva will come around,

I promise.
- Eva.

- [Diane] Judy, she
fucking loves you.

- Eva.

- [Diane] I'll be at the bar.

- I don't know how else
to get through to you

and it really pisses me off.

♪ Standing on the platform ♪

♪ Watching you go ♪

(sad music)

♪ You said I wanna
see the world ♪

♪ And I said, go ♪

(sad music)

♪ But I think I'm
lost without you ♪

(sad music)

♪ Just too crushed without you ♪

- [Judy] Diane.

- Yeah, I'm so thirsty.

Please, carbonation.

- This is a video
explaining everything.

You have to send it to Eva.

- No.
- She's blocked me, Di.

- It's too much, okay, no.

- What no?

- No, I'm sorry,
but Eva needs space.

She clearly doesn't
want you contacting her.

- But it's not me.

(Judy speaks indistinctly)

- Judy, listen to yourself.

You wrote the thing.

When people are in intimate
relationships with narcissists,

they tend to start
acting narky themselves.

Right, like they
catch their fleas.

- Yes, that is
true, that happens.

- I think you have
an infestation,

pushing boundaries, no empathy.

- No, don't turn this on me.

This all has to do with Theo.

You have to think
about the big picture.

- Judy, please,
- Just because it

happens to you doesn't mean...
- just stop talking for once

and listen?

Okay, you are an
excellent psychologist,

okay, you're amazing at
analysis and helping people.

Eva, she's not a client.

She's your daughter and
you love her, right?

- Of course.

- Then let her live her
life for fuck sakes.

What's wrong with you?

(sad music)

- Judy?

What's the matter?

What is it? Is it the food?

Come on, it's not that bad.

What? You forgot your
wedding gift, huh?

Take a vase.

Take Sam, no extra charge.

How about that?

You okay?

- No, I'm not.

I'm sorry.

- Don't apologize.
- I'm sorry.

(Judy sobs)

- Don't worry, I got you.

It's gonna be okay.

What's a kid's wedding
without a few tears?

(gentle romantic music)

(rain trickles)
(intense music)

- There, oh, what
a beautiful suit.

You look stunning.

- Do I look good?

- Just like my little (Mary
speaks in foreign language).

(Mary chuckles)

Oh yes, let's make sure that...

- It's raining,
is that bad luck?

- [Chloe] I don't know.

- I just thought my
mom would barge her way

in here, you know?

The way she does.

- Eva, I know if you
called her, she would come.

You look like a princess.

(gentle music)

- So you're doing that thing

where you sneak out
without saying goodbye?

- Yeah.

- It's your room.

Come on, stay.

Have breakfast with me.

Please, come on.

(phone vibrates)

What? Sorry.

- My phone.
- Eva.

- Oh, Eva. Hello?

No.
- What happened?

- I don't know, I don't
know if she hung up

or if it was a butt dial or.

- You know, wait, wait,
wait, wait, let's go.

- Hmm?
- Let's go.

I don't know much,
but I know this,

she'll always regret
her wedding day

if her mom isn't
there to see it.

- Is there time?

- Did you ever see
"Fast and Furious"?

- No.

- [Daniel] Well,
you're about to.

(bouncy music)

- Oh.

(intense music)

(car engine roars)

- Let's go, let's go.

Ladies first.

- Let's go.

- Oh, I'm so nervous.

- [Judy] Floor it.

(car engine roars)

(intense music)

(car brakes squeak)

Let's go, let's go.

(car doors bang)

- Sorry.

(intense music)

- Oh.

- [Daniel] It
hasn't started yet.

We're not too late.

(hands clap)

- Oh.

Oh, okay.

- Guy's a fraud.

You know how he bamboozled me?

He blew a snowflake off my lash.

So stupid.

- Oh, come on, Judy,
that's horseshit.

- Yeah, I know.

I'm so stupid.

- You're not stupid,
you're human.

You were human, see?

Hey, look at me,

you don't have to feel
ashamed about that.

So you took a chance on a
guy and it didn't work out.

Big deal.

You know, we're all looking
for love in this world.

There's nothing wrong
with it, is there?

- No.

No, there is not.

(gentle romantic music)

Oh, she's stunning.

- What are you gonna do?

(door knocks)

- [Lauren] It's just
for appearances.

You know I'm up for tenure.

Babe, please.
- Go away.

- Please, I love you.

You know, at work, I stare at
you when you're not looking.

Did you know that I
memorized your face?

Your eyes and your lips,

that little freckle by your ear.

Babe, come on.

Babe, open the door.

Open the door, babe, come on.

Open the door.

(door bangs)

Babe, come on, open
the fucking door.

Open the fucking door.

(Lauren screams indistinctly)
(door bangs)

- And it really pisses me off

because you have
so much to offer.

You're so smart, you're so kind,

you're so beautiful.

(gentle romantic music)

(gentle romantic
music continues)

- [Minister] Dearly beloved,
we have come here today

of your own free will seeking
the union with each other.

- Your bed of
roses, Mrs. Keller.

What?

Stunned, speechless
by happiness?

(phone vibrates)

- Work?

- Yeah, but I'm
not gonna get it.

But I am gonna get more
ice for the champagne.

- No, don't, we don't need that.

- What? No.

No wife of mine is drinking
warm champagne on wedding night.

Be right back.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Don't go anywhere.
- Okay.

(sad music)

- [Judy] I hope
you can forgive me.

I just, I didn't want anyone
to steal your light away

because you shine so
bright, my darling.

(sad music)

(Eva sighs)

(phone dings)

(sad music)

- Tyler, what are
you doing here?

- Wow.

What am I doing here?

Chloe told me where to find you

about how you were freaking out

and you weren't sure you
wanted to go through with it,

but it looks like you did.

Damn, here I am like a dumb ass.

- I'm so sorry.

I should not have reached
out to you like that.

I think I just, I don't know.

I think I thought if I spoke
to someone who really knew me,

a friend and-

- A friend, huh?

- Tyler, I don't
know what to say.

I haven't been
thinking straight.

- I thought if there was
even the slightest chance,

you and I could
really be something.

I should try one of those
grand romantic gestures

just once in my life, you know?

- Just once?

- Yeah, once,

but for real.

- [Judy] He's going to
try to suck you back in

with some grand
romantic gestures.

- [Theo] Simon's my
real estate agent.

- [Eva] You didn't tell
me that you were engaged,

- But I did tell.

- [Judy] He has two phones.

- [Theo] You let her
get into your head.

- Right.

I'm so sorry, I have to go.

- No, I get it, yeah.

- Thank you.

Have you seen the man
that I came in here with?

- [Sam] Check the
ice machine outside.

(sad music)

- [Speaker] This is insane,

you actually got married?

I actually don't understand
what's going on right now.

- I don't have time.
- Keep my voice down?

What do you mean you don't
have time for this right now?

I actually don't
understand what's going on.

You said you were
gonna leave her.

Why? I don't understand.

This is insane.
- We can talk about this

another time, okay?

- Why? Why did you do it?

You said we were soulmates.

(intense music)

- He says that to everybody.

(bell dongs)

(blazer clanks)

- Fuck.

Eva.

(Judy and Daniel laugh)

- Now you're shy.

(Judy laughs)

Now you're shy.
- Before and after,

not during, not during.

- Ah, thank you, buddy.

(gentle music)

- [Judy] You think he heard us?

- Oh yeah, definitely.

- You're so loud.

(phone vibrates)
(eerie music)

(gentle music)
(waves rustle)

(gentle music)
(Eva sobs)

(gentle music)

- Eva!

(gentle music)

(Eva cries)

- Mama.

(Eva cries)

- Okay, okay, honey.

Tell me what you need.

What do you need?

What do you need, honey?

- A divorce.

(Eva and Judy chuckle)

- Yeah, it's called
an annulment.

- I think I...

I think I went a little crazy.

- Try not to blame yourself.

- I don't.

It was him, it wasn't me.

- Wow.

- What?

- You just learned in a moment

what's taken me a lifetime.

- It's 'cause I'm
smarter than you.

- You are, you are, you
are so much smarter.

(waves rustles)

Let's go get an annulment
and some pancakes.

I want you to eat more
than chips though.

- I know, but what's
all I want right now.

- Spaghetti?

- Yeah, can we get two big
bowls of spaghetti, please?

- Yeah.

- Hey. Good morning.

- Hi.

- So I watched your video.

- Diane, I never should
have sent that to you.

- No, no, no, it was necessary.

I finally blocked Lauren.

Yeah.
- You did?

- Like once and for all.

Yeah, cold Turkey on everything.

Facebook, Instagram,
Yelp, Wordle, yeah.

So I wanted to say thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Wait, why aren't
you on your honeymoon?

- We have a lot to
catch you up on.

- Perfect timing

- On the house, ladies.

- Thank you.

- I'm sorry, what?

- Is that on the menu now?

- This is incredible.

- I have a lot to
catch you up on.

- Yeah, I'm here for it.

Cheers to that.

At least someone
got a happy ending.

(gentle music)

- Even though there are
people like this out there,

I don't want you
to get discouraged.

(gentle music)

You've got so much to offer.

(gentle music)

You're so smart.

You're so kind.

Oh, yes, it looks fantastic.

You're so beautiful.

Just remember, never
doubt your worth,

play it smart

and you'll find that good love.

Hey, this is All Judy
telling it like it is.

(lively music)

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh, brand new ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ They asked me how
I shine like this ♪

♪ Aura so good,
it's miraculous ♪

♪ How I come up from
nothing like this ♪

♪ It was already written
in the stars I guess ♪

♪ And yeah, I know I put in
the energy and it worked ♪

♪ Tried to run from my worth ♪

♪ Had to block that,
block that curse, yeah ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ I feeling brand new ♪

♪ Feeling brand new ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ Got the prize in my field ♪

♪ 'Bout to get it no truce ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ I'm feeling brand
new, feeling brand new ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ I'm in it for women,
that's how I do ♪

♪ Back now, never back down ♪

♪ Used to make excuses,
but I can't now ♪

♪ Maybe an upgrade
to my bank account ♪

♪ When I realized there
ain't no limits on how ♪

♪ I'm gonna get it, get
it, I'm gonna get it ♪

♪ Whatever you throw,
I'm a home run hitter ♪

♪ I'ma get it, get
it, I'ma get it ♪

♪ Whenever I want, I
think, I receive it, yep ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ I receive it ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Best believe it ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I receive it ♪

♪ Yeah, after the rain,
I'm washed in greatness ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ I'm feeling brand
new, feeling brand new ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ I'm in it for women
that's how I do ♪

- Jackie, can you get
me Barb from Statistics?

- It's so hard to stay away

when I'm getting all
these love letters

and texts.
- Yeah.

- Even Sent me a singing
telegram of our song.

- Oh, what song?

- "Black Hole Sun".

- Of course.

You know what, you gotta
go gray rock on 'em, okay?

- Okay.

- Just zero emotions.

Ignore, ignore, ignore, got it?

- Yes.
- What are the three things?

- Call, ignore.
- no, ignore,

ignore, ignore, ignore.

Give it to me again.

- Ignore, text back.

- No, Barbara.
- Sorry, sorry, I'm sorry.

- [Diane] Listen to
me, this is serious.

- I know.
- Okay?

- I know, I know, I love it.

Thank you so much, Di.
- No, you're welcome.

- Ignore, ignore, ignore.

(hands clap)

That's it.

- You have a copy?

- Of course, yes.

Never leave home about it.

Thank you so much,
that was so helpful.

- You're welcome.

- Okay, gonna bundle up here.

- Oh Barb, you don't need that.

It's 75 and sunny outside.

You gotta learn to trust again.

You know what, as a reminder,

take this with you, okay?

- You sure?
- It's the only way

to get rid of him.

- Oh, actually my nark is a her.

- One minute.

Jackie, yeah,

cancel all my meetings
for the rest of the month.

(papers clank)

- God damn it, these buttons.

No, keep the hat on.

- It's gonna be wet.

Stop.

(tape rips)
Oh.

(tape rips)

I have really high
blood pressure.

- Oh, me too.

- It's tough.

- Oh God, We can
never have kids.

- Shit.

(Diane laughs)

(cast laughs)

(gentle music)

(gentle music continues)