Original subtitles

Ready to go? I'm going to need you to apply for a job at a radio station. Did

you ever think you may have to be on the radio? Me?

Don't forget your slut sticks.

Genital herpes.

No one wants to talk about genital herpes, so let's talk about it.

Genital herpes is caused by a virus, not a bacteria.

There are two types of herpes viruses.

Type 1, which generally causes cold sores, and type 2, which causes general

herpes.

Thanks for the ride.

You've reached another world with bloody little Bo Peep talking.

Yes, hello. I was wondering if you could help me.

What?

I'm looking for something very specific.

Okay. I want new Irish midget porn.

Irish midget porn?

Yeah.

What makes it Irish? Are there leprechauns or some shit?

What? No.

They're midgets with Irish accents.

Why?

All right, you know what? Shut the fuck up. I told you not to call back here

with your weird, specific shit.

Okay, I'll check back next week.

What? No, don't check back. We're not going to have... Great, yeah, okay,

do this again next week.

What?

Yeah,

that's what I heard.

Who?

But those are kids' stories.

Huh?

The girls in the stories, they don't really want their kids.

They do.

Hot, hot, nasty.

Who, the kids?

Yeah.

Hot, hot, hot man, man.

$32 .95.

Bye -bye.

Bye

-bye.

I'm all good.

Okay. Bye y 'all.

Hey, Joe.

Yo, what's up, kid?

Yeah.

Hi. Double screwdriver.

Okay.

There you go.

You need another one, right?

Sure.

Oh, you're really late for a kindergarten teacher.

What?

For an elementary school teacher.

Don't you have to get up at, like, seven?

Oh, yeah, no, it's fine. They all do it.

Who, the kid?

What? No, the teacher. The teacher's all stale. What the fuck are you talking

about kids for?

What?

Oh, wait, you want the kids, because they're all hot and nasty, right?

Especially a little old people.

Yeah.

I could kill you right now if I wanted to.

That would probably be embarrassing.

You are, you're out of my system Stop reminiscing cause I'm

Maureen. Please go away. I'm pretending I'm not seeing you get back to the house

this late.

Oh, okay.

No poop today.

Let's be my birthday

It's my birthday.

You know you're not the real Mr. Rogers.

You ready to go?

Nice hat.

Prevention, like having protected sex, is still the most effective way to get

HIV and AIDS out of the way.

Happy birthday to me.

It's my birthday.

I'm so happy, except I'm not really, but we can pretend.

It might be happy I'm in a porn star, except that gets old because I've been

working here for so long.

But happy birthday!

Excuse me, ma 'am. What?

Could you not smoke in here?

What? Could you not smoke in here? Why?

I'm pregnant?

If you're pregnant, why are you here?

Excuse me? Why are you here when you're pregnant?

What does that have to do with anything?

It seems weird that somebody pregnant wouldn't want to watch porn.

Like, unnatural.

For your information, I am not buying these DVDs for myself.

I'm buying them for my loving husband who has been more than wonderful these

past few months while I have been a raging, hormonally charged bitch.

But all of that is really none of your business.

What is your business is if I report to your manager that you are smoking and

polluting the air in an enclosed public area.

Suck my dick!

Thank you.

And happy birthday.

Have a happy Miss Carrot. Thanks.

I've seen your husband buy gay porn here.

How can I? You can help me by explaining why this DVD didn't work.

What's wrong? It's skipping a lot.

It skipped the whole way through.

Well, did you try? Yes. I tried blowing on it several times and putting it back

in the DVD player, and it still didn't work.

Okay, are you just waiting for me to talk again so you can interrupt me?

What are you talking about?

It's weird because it'll be quiet like you're done talking, but then when I try

to talk... You're being very lippy with me.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... It's okay. Just don't make a habit out of it.

I'm sorry. Okay, so you said the DVD does not... The DVD does not work.

It's been quiet for a while now, so I'm gonna try to talk but I know I need you

to pick up the DVD All right,

you know what

That one's about frozen food doodles.

for a librarian.

Hell no, we're all kind of like this. What, really?

Yeah, it's pretty weird.

Oh, hey.

Yeah, uh -huh. Oh, hey yourself.

Where the fuck have you been?

Um, excuse me. Bitch, go fuck yourself.

Liz, this is Lacey with the mole.

I mean Lacey. Wow, this is Lacey.

Hey, look up.

What the fuck is your problem? You ignore me for days and now you're here

this skank? Hey, what the fuck?

Sorry, okay? This is just what I do. What the hell does that mean?

We're dating.

Shit.

Two seconds, okay?

One second.

Fine. Seriously, where are we going?

Emma!

Why are you being so weird?

Lacey, I'm not being weird. You just don't know me.

How can you say that? Because you don't.

Nice. Look, Lacey, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, okay? But seriously,

I can pick whoever I want and I've tried not to hurt people's feelings.

Who are you?

Listen, sorry, but I don't do drama.

Emma, wake up!

What the fuck?

It's Saturday!

You're gonna be late for your appointment!

Fuck! What the fuck am I doing with this?

I gotta get out of here.

Shit.

CUT!

Candy? No.

Thanks.

Okay.

So, how was your birthday?

Awesome.

What did you do?

Uh, worked.

Drank.

At the porn store and the bar.

You drank at the porn store and you... No, I worked at the porn store and I

drank at the bar.

Did you get anything special?

Hats.

From your mother?

Yep.

Did you get a card from your father?

That must have been upsetting.

I don't give a fuck.

I mean, there was money in it, so... What did you do with it?

What, the money?

The card, Emma.

Oh, I burned it.

Again, Emma?

When are you going to let go of some of this rage, Emma? All right, okay, stop.

This is bullshit, okay?

Every time I come in here, I don't do anything. I just, like... sit here and

say I'm full of rage while I'm, like, coloring or eating a piece of candy or

some shit, and it's bullshit, okay? Sorry. It is.

You seem very angry today, Emma. Right, okay. There it is.

It's perfectly natural for you to feel this anger when a child's been sexually

abused by a member... Whoa! I really don't want to talk about this today.

We must talk about it. No, we really don't. Like, I'm not angry.

Happy, see?

I'm kind of like this happy, carefree person that doesn't ever do mean things

people ever.

You tried setting him on fire, Emma.

What? Yes.

Like 14 years ago.

Yes. And when a person tries to set another person on fire with the

killing them, that usually indicates that person is angry.

Which person? The instigator.

So, Dave, you mean the person lighting the fire? Yes.

Yes.

So, I'm sorry, Jake, you mean that they're only angry if they're trying to

them. Well, any setting another person on fire would usually indicate that

person is upset.

Since you don't want any candy. No.

And this is for you.

Hey! You can't pick those.

You can't do that. You get out of here. I told you. You can't pick those

flowers.

Get out of here. I told you to get out.

Hey, Mom.

I got her.

Dr. Truman's a dick. I don't want to go to therapy anymore.

Robin, honey, try not to murder people.

Oh.

I saw Waypoint Pride today, and he gave me a flower. He's still from the therapy

garden. Oh.

Oh.

Found it.

Hey, carpenter. Can I have a drink?

Okay.

Go. Go.

Girl can drink?

A girl's not a girl anymore. I got my period a decade ago.

And yes, I can fucking drink.

Kind of a problem.

You're kind of feisty.

I like it.

Great, I'm glad I asked you.

Hey, Joe, can I get another... Hey, don't even worry about it.

I got you.

No thanks. Christ, would you step off? You're like up by a asshole here.

Oh, yeah, don't worry about it.

Bro, what the fuck is this guy's problem?

Like he doesn't want any business.

I think he doesn't want any of your business, Sonic Hair.

You know, you keep talking so cold to me, I just might have to leave you

What the fuck? Yes, please, leave me alone.

Wait, can't anyone drink alone anymore?

I know you're not a prude.

I saw you last week.

What day?

Thursday or something.

You were making out with some guy. Which guy?

What, Lost Town?

Uh, yeah, like ten years ago.

It's kinda hot.

Loamy.

What? You like girls or something? Yeah, sometimes.

Oh.

Oh, come on.

Please don't tell me you're bisexual.

This shit is the biggest lie of the century.

What the fuck?

People like one or the other, alright? They don't like both.

People that say they like both are... I'm just trying to get attention.

Okay, I need to, like, not be talking to you. Hey, come on, come on.

Don't try to sell me on this bisexual thing. Try to sell you on the fact that

fuck both genders? You know what? Get the fuck out of here. I didn't want to

talk to you in the first place.

What is your problem, dyke?

You're my fucking problem, you scummy piece of greasy -haired shit. Get the

out of my sight before I smash a bottle inside your fucking eye.

Fuck you, whore.

Is there a problem here? What the fuck do you want, pretty boy?

I want you to leave this woman alone.

Don't you fuck off, faggot.

You see, let me buy you a drink.

You don't have to buy me a drink, but I'll gladly sit next to you. No way. I'm

pretty sure after that I owe you one.

Hey, Joe.

Get this mayonnaise.

Oh, shit. What do you want?

Anything's fine. You're insisting. Well, I am.

Bring him the house special.

What?

You know.

Yeah, it's a double fruiter.

Oh, right.

You know, because I always order it.

Cigarette? No, thanks.

I actually gave them up a while ago.

Yeah, me too.

I mean, I am now quitting.

Pretty hard.

Tell me about it.

I tried the whole oral substitution thing, and I'm pretty sure I went

about ten pounds of lollipops. Oh, yeah?

So, I already know you, right?

You were in the porn store?

Oh, shit, no, I didn't mean to embarrass you.

It's not embarrassing to me. I mean, I work there, so obviously.

Yeah, I was just checking some machinery out.

I'm not, like, weird or really into porn or anything like that.

Oh, no, me neither. I just work there because it's close to where I live.

Wait, I didn't mean that you were weird or obsessed with porn or anything.

I actually figured you weren't into it.

Oh, okay.

Oh, why?

I don't know, you just kind of seem above it.

That's like the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Shouldn't be.

Yeah, well, no, I'm actually not into porn at all.

That must be hard to work there, then.

Yeah, well, that's just what I do on the side.

Did you... That's not what I do. Did you think that's what I did? Alright.

What's your real job, then? I'm a painter.

A painter?

Yeah. Yeah, you know, I'm not famous or anything. I've only ever sold a few for,

like, a couple thousand each.

Wow, that's, like, really impressive.

It's not. It's just my main thing I want to do.

What do you do?

Nothing that impressive.

Actually, I work in the school district. I do tech work there.

work on websites for the school system, and, you know, co -teach some of the

classes to teachers.

That's cool.

Actually, it's pretty dorky.

I don't think so.

Well, we do get new gadgets a lot. I mean, that's how I got my iPhone.

Oh, yeah, I love that stuff. I have one, too.

I'd really like to see some of your paintings sometimes. What?

Your paintings.

I'd like to see them sometimes.

Oh, yeah. No, that'd be great.

I gotta go now. Getting pretty late.

Oh.

Really?

Where's your plate?

I'll walk you home.

Um, no thanks.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I don't really feel like walking. I think I'm going to take a cab home.

Okay. Is it far?

I mean, I could ride with you. It's pretty late. No, please. It's fine.

You think I could get your number?

Yeah, sure.

I think I have a pen.

You know what?

I have a pen in my other purse.

You could text it to me?

Yeah, good idea.

Hey, didn't you say you had an iPhone?

No.

No, I meant I'm getting one. My plan's almost done on this one.

Okay, sorry, I guess I wasn't listening.

No, it's fine.

Thanks.

I think you're pretty cute, too, for the record.

Right.

What's this?

What? That thing under your shirt. This?

Oh, no, it's nothing. It's nothing.

What, are you hurt or something?

No, no, it's not. I'm not hurt. I'm just... No, yeah, I'm just... I was hurt

recently, but it's... Oh, my God!

I fell.

You fell? Yeah.

Fell off of what?

Oh, my God! I'm sorry.

No, no, no, it's okay. It's okay. Don't worry about it. It's just not a big

deal. Oh, no, I'm sorry. I'm being so rude.

Don't worry.

You know, it's getting pretty late. I should go now.

Oh, yeah, no.

Okay.

Dude. Dude.

You didn't tell me your mom was in porn, bro.

I was videotaping your mom last night, man.

I'm sorry.

What was so funny right there?

No, that was just, that was funny what you said. Like, I didn't know your mom

was in this. Like, she's in porn.

You don't know my mom.

No, I know I don't. You're right.

That was just funny, what you said. Like, your mom's in porn. That's funny.

laughed.

I like your hat.

Okay, I'm going to need to speak to my ID.

You know what?

This place sucks.

Get out of here.

Bye!

You just make friends all over the place, don't you?

I guess.

Well, it's obvious that you have a problem, because everyone I've seen you

off is completely distinguished.

I don't know if you know this, but one of those kids out there is in the

for a Nobel Prize.

Yeah, apparently he's just finished writing a collection of poetry

illustrating the question of whether Megan Fox is really hotter than Amanda

Seyfried. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Except it's just dumb, because obviously Megan Fox is hotter.

Have dinner with me.

Here?

As appealing as consuming food so close to the jack shack is, I was thinking we

could go out.

Well, I kind of work late.

What time do you get out?

2 a .m.

Whoa.

You're right, that is late.

People usually like to buy their porn late at night.

That's true.

Not that I would know.

Well, how about this?

I will cook dinner, and then when you get out at 2 a .m., you can come over

eat it.

You know what?

My car, like, just died the other day. I had to get a ride even here today.

Well, that's not a problem.

Do you want me to come pick you up?

Yeah, sure.

Great.

I'll see you then.

Okie dokie.

There. Yep.

Shit, Mom!

Hey, Mom. I don't need a ride tonight. Think so.

was a customer.

A customer? Yeah, I know.

We get, like, the weirdest people in here.

Oh, and now you're going to have a conversation.

Oh, yeah, just go ahead. Talk to each other. Fine.

She looks really upset.

Because I don't have a life.

I'm pretty sure she's nuts. She tried to steal, like, 40 DVDs by stuffing them

down her nightgown. And I was like, uh, I see you doing that. And she was like,

what? And I was like, I see you Stopping those DVDs down your nightgown. And she

was like, I don't know what you're talking about. And I was like, well,

stomach looks like a robot's ass full of DVDs right now.

And she was like, no way, your DVDs suck. And she tried to leave.

What? Yeah, I know.

So, you know, naturally, I followed her out to her car. And I was like, hey,

lady. And she was like, what? And I was like, you can't take those. And she was

like, take what? And I was like, uh, that robot's ass with 40 DVDs on her

nightgown. And she was like, I don't know what you're talking about. And I

like, look, I'm going to call the fucking cops. Are you serious? Yeah, I

So I was like, I'm going to call the cops. And she was like, wait, hold on.

I was like, what? And she was like, I, you know, maybe I did take some DVDs.

I was like, yeah, I know that. Please give them back.

And she was like, okay, fine, I will. Just don't call the cops. And I was

Wait.

Where are the DVDs? What?

The massive amount of DVDs she was trying to steal. Where are they?

Yeah, I wasn't done.

Oh, okay.

Sorry.

So, after that, she was like, hold on. And I was like, what? And she was like,

I... Do you know what?

I think I want to buy these then and I was like really and she was like yeah

really and I was like all of them and she was like yeah all of them I want

all they're so good and I was like that's kind of a lot of porn and she was

well no you know it's not all for me I have a bunch of nephews and I was like

that's a little weird and she was like well you know not really my family's

pretty close like that and I was like oh that's cool Sometimes I wish my feeling

was like that too.

And she was like, yeah, it's definitely like a pretty good way to be. And I was

like, yeah.

And so she was like, okay, here's your money. And I was like, thanks.

Sorry I followed you out here. And she was like, oh, don't worry about it. It

happens all the time. And I was like, really? But I don't feel that bad then.

And she was like, well, I'm glad.

And so then I was like, enjoy your porn. And she was like, I will.

And that's when you showed up.

So, yeah.

I'm gonna go lock up.

Okay. And put away all the money she just gave to me for the 40 points.

Okay, um, I'll just wait here.

Dinner's through here.

Okay.

You know, I think I'd actually like to work in a porn store.

Just to see all the people that walk in there.

Yeah, trust me, that gets old after about like a year.

But still, it's got to be better than working in a cubicle, right?

I mean, I think so, but I could give you a list of people who wouldn't agree.

You know, it's just, you are so amazing to me.

You know, you work just about every day in that store until two in the morning

and still find time to create these paintings that sell for thousands of

dollars.

It's amazing.

Yeah, I'm pretty amazing.

Sorry I'm dressed this way. I don't really bring the real clothes with me to

work.

You're going to ride the bus home in that?

Yeah,

I think it's funny.

You know, there's something weird or different about you that I really like.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I'm not quite sure what it is, but it's kind of comforting.

Well, good.

I think it reminds me of my weird thing.

Okay,

listen, there's something I've got to tell you.

I feel like I haven't been completely honest and I just want to come clean

before things get too out of hand.

What's up?

Please don't be freaked out.

I can pretty much guarantee I won't be.

Okay, listen, I'm just gonna say it.

Okay. I was born a female.

I was born a female, but growing up, I always knew I was a man.

I'm ready to make the transition physically. It's just I'm still saving

money for the operations, so I haven't gotten either done yet.

So you've been lying to me this whole time?

Yeah.

Yeah, yes, I have.

Wait,

so, uh, you don't mind? No, why would I?

Who said you had to leave?

No, I just, I really don't want to leave.

Good.

I don't want you to leave either.

Ready to go?

What the fuck?

Oh shit, wait.

Something came up.

Something came up.

Yep.

Sorry.

Okay.

I'm gonna forget this ever happened, but only because you have probably one of

the shittiest, most pathetic lives I've ever seen.

My life being a close runner -up.

Okay.

How you doing?

You look like Tila Tequila.

What?

You look like Tila Tequila.

Well, you look like Snooki. No, I don't. Well, I don't look like Tila Tequila.

Yes, you do.

Well, then you look like Snooki. No, I don't.

Oh, well, thanks a lot.

Don't you have cartoons at your house?

I don't think you should be talking down to children, okay?

Classy. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, keep walking.

I'm going to keep walking. You keep walking. Mind your business.

Yeah.

That's what you don't want to be when you grow up, okay? A stupid nurse.

I won't. I promise.

You better.

Emma? Fuck off.

Emma?

Oh, shit. Sorry.

It's okay.

Flipping off a little girl?

No.

Okay. You need a ride?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Hop in.

Thought you were quitting.

What?

Thought you were quitting.

If I were going to quit, I wouldn't wear a bloody nurse costume.

No, smoking.

It's pretty hard.

Hey, do you guys have double -ended dildos here?

Hello? Oh, fuck!

Emma?

Huh? What the fuck are you doing here?

Do you work here?

And where the fuck have you been?

What the fuck?

Emma, what are you doing here?

Do you work here?

Wait, Lacey, how do you know Emma?

We used to date. How do you know Emma? We used to date. What?

When? Like, a week ago.

No! Okay, well, technically I didn't really date either one of you, so...

is wrong with you?

Baby, what's wrong with your face?

Well, fuck you too! No, you're burned! What happened? This bitch happened!

No, it wasn't on purpose!

Emma?

What the fuck?

Do you want a ride or not?

Mom. Mom?

Your mom stole all the porn last night? Porn?

What the hell?

I'm her mother. I honestly don't know how this could get worse. I'm gonna kill

you, you lying bitch!

What?

Yeah.

That's what she does.

She sleeps with so many people.

that she can't remember them all by name, so she asked to add little

Look. Aaron with the teeth.

Alex with the nose.

Alexis with the thumb.

Alice with the webbed toes.

It goes on for miles.

Wait, wait, wait. Stop. Mason, seriously, stop.

Mason with the taped tits.

I came here to take you to the art museum. Art?

I thought you were a drummer.

What are you talking about? She's a painter. No, she said she was a

She told me she was a kindergarten teacher.

Emma!

You know what?

I don't even care anymore.

You're disgusting.

Who

are you

ever going to tell me?

Which thing?

I used to be a librarian at an elementary school.

I waited tables part -time then to earn more money. I used to play drums in the

marching band and I do paint.

Do you quit?

Yeah, it's pretty hard. Tough.

Who are you?

Do you even know?

Didn't think so.

to get my baby back again.

Oh, it's been so long

since I left your love. My

life's gone wrong.

Thinking that my heart would never break.

Though

I ran

away.

Now I'm coming back to you today.

When I hear the clicking.

Chained back to...

How can I... You can help me by explaining how the ending of this movie

Yeah, Mom.

I don't need a ride tonight.

Sorry.

Thanks, though.

Emma! What the fuck?

I couldn't stay to sleep!

Yeah. Sorry.

Forgot.

Emma! Who is that?

That?

Oh, that's just a customer.

Customer?

That woman bought porn?

Yeah.

We got some weird people coming in here.

I mean, the character doesn't go anywhere.

You see, in a movie, a character overcomes things, changes for the

lives a better life. But that doesn't happen to this character.

But that's not how life really works. I realize that's not how life is. But

that's how it works in the movies.

But that's just a porn.

darkness comes in lightning well