Original subtitles

CRAVE ORIGINAL SERIES

- Why didn't you tell me? - I did!

JULY 2023

Pretty lively here.

I'd remember-- -I don't owe you crap. Who do you think--

Hey, isn't that...?

Marie-Lyne Joncas! You'll see my name everywhere!

Everyone will know who Eve CA'tA� is! -Looks like...

You and I are done! I never wanna hear from you again!

Neither do I!

- What the fuck, you lunatic! - Great. Happy now?

Sure! Record us!

You'll never see us on your screens together again!

And welcome to the neighbourhood! It's awesome!

Are you done yelling?

Good luck to anyone willing to work with you!

Good luck with your career without me!

- Thanks! - Thanks!

2 YEARS LATER

Thank you! Good night!

I'm never doing another Karao-Spa! I'm done making a fool of myself!

Where are you? I just wrapped.

Eve CA'tA�, can we take a selfie? -Of course!

- Hey you... - What's your name?

- A%lodie! - Philippe.

Philippe, with one L and two Ps.

I'm Marie...

Adieu.

I loved the show! Is it true that it hurts when our boobs grow?

Sure is! I couldn't sleep on my stomach for two years.

Time and patience, my child. Thank you.

- Bye! - Sorry, I...

experienced love and heartbreak within a span of 15 seconds.

I'm so down. Can you come and meet me?

- I came as soon as I could! - Surprise!

Ravi Capoor, a 38-year-old pothead, and Marie-Lyne's BFF since high school.

They met while on shrooms and bondedover seeing the same colours.

They've been inseparable ever since.

By the way, Ravi's in love with Joncasbut too chicken to tell her.

I was bored at home.

Martin Boulet, 38, computer programmer, Eve's boyfriend for the last two years

and pretty much a loser.

According to those personality testswe all took in high school,

he'd be a 'Conventional-Realist'.

Oh, and he's so cheap

he only buys flowers at the supermarket

when they're on sale.

That's so nice!

Love is so fucking hard!

- Wanna go for a drink? - Yeah!

- Still on for tomorrow? - Tomorrow?

The two-year anniversary of you using my drunken state to make your move?

Is that how you see our love?

Massage the bunion.

It's so painful!

Still happy after two years despite my old-lady bunions?

They say the first two years are the toughest.

That's for babies, not relationships. -Hey, you opened the baby door!

Don't stick your fingers in, you might lose 'em!

You need to start considering it. You'll be 38 and--

Sorry.

Yes?

Eve! Don't forget, you've got two gigs tomorrow: 4 PM and 8 PM.

StA�phane Ouellet, not the boxer,

53, talent agent,

representing us and other losershe's trying to promote, unsuccessfully.

We're his only working act.

Listen, Eve, you know what'd be great for France?

I'm not on board yet.

It might be smart for you to go on-- -No way, StA�phane.

You don't know what I was gonna say. -I do. Go on who-know-who's show.

Come on, Eve,

a quick appearance on Marie-Lyne's talk show.

StA�phane, I'd rather take a rowboat to France than appear on her show!

Don't you think it might be time to-- -Leave? Yep. Meet me at the bar.

That's not--

At the bar? You already had four drinks while on stage, plus this one...

I wasn't drinking, my character was. Duh!

Martin is organized, industrious, serious...

while my girlfriends and I share poop pics in a FB group.

Really? -Guess I hope I'm not too dumb for him.

OK, but...

my question was, what kind of place should we take the French out to?

Greek is a no-go.

Garlic makes me belch like an old fart whose food is repeating on her.

Got it.

So, yeah, two years ain't bad.

I love him. I do.

Who are you trying to convince here? -Shut up, I'm talking to myself.

This is my longest relationship since...

- Since... - Marie-Lyne. Just saying...

What are you talking about? -Look, I may not know much about love--

- Or relationships. - But I know couples.

I was your manager for six years. You two should talk.

I'll have another.

- Toke? - Not in public.

- It's legal. - But lame for a 38-year-old.

- You're saying I'm lame? - No, with you it's fitting.

I'd miss it if you didn't reek of weed.

- I can quit, you know. - Sure. You've been saying so for 20 years.

I've got no reason to quit. But I'd do it for a girlfriend.

Please don't.

I'd miss your stoner jokes that just crack me up.

- Two shots of Jameson. - I'm out.

Wait! I wanna talk about France.

Finally. -I need to focus on what matters.

Right. Two more gigs before you can be free as a bird and fly to France.

You've got what it takes to make it big there! But first things first!

- That's my boy! - No! I meant finish your tour!

No shot for me. I'm not paying for that. -I'll take it. Bye.

I doesn't affect me much.

Doesn't affect you? Ravi.

You're standing in a puddle and your wallet's hanging from its chain.

Jesus, trash this, will you? People know me.

I'll wait for you inside.

Sorry for being safety-conscious.

Hi.

I'd like a glass of white. Any kind'll do, thanks.

Shit!

RAVI: Alert, quarter to!!

No, no, no...

RAVI: Alert, quarter AFTER!!

Shit.

I'm too stoned for this.

So, it looks like I'm gonna tour in France.

Yep, season three is on. They wanted me to sign on for season four,

but I was like, "hold on".

Always doing the same stuff... sounds lazy to me.

A six-year run. Yep.

We repeated the same gig 328 times.

That's 327 times too many if you ask me.

- That's what got you started. - My fans come to see me,

not my guests!

You mean suburban moms and their bored husbands?

Don't be a snob. You're from Roberval. You haven't changed.

Yep, I stayed true to myself instead of pretending

to be happy with a guy so beige old ladies are jealous he's not their pants.

At least somebody loves me.

Did fucking all these emotionally stunted guys help you find your dead dad?

No. I'm taking it slow instead of settling for a man half my size.

I'm outta here.

- Someone 's waiting for me. - Sure. Keep running away

whenever things don't go your way. -Fuck you!

Thanks.

Sorry. She's so rude.

Wanna do a shot?

It's just me!

Just me!

Did you miss the couch?

Very perceptive. I almost got a concussion

Hold on...

Much comfier!

Were you gonna drink this by yourself? -Nah, it's to deglaze the onions

for a hamburger steak. Want some?

Here's to assholes,

mainly female ones!

Aren't you supposed to toast before you drink?

I really wanted to thank you for coming back!

Only you love me enough to do that.

Well, Eve did. But I guess your feud didn't end tonight.

I'm telling you,

she gets to me like no other and knows exactly what buttons to press.

We had nice plans for tomorrow. Don't get wasted.

We're already tomorrow. Happy two-year anniversary, my love!

Whatever, look! I'm not lonely 'cause I have you!

- You brown-noser! - No, I mean it.

"I mean it."

Oh! Let's do another shot! -Don't you have an early meeting?

Exactly.

-"Exactly." - Hey!

Two more shots please. Yep.

Do I look drunk?

Come to bed.

Martin, Martin...

You got a 15-minute window for anal.

Huh? Ah, c'mon!

Marie-Lyne, pull yourself together. Your behaviour is starting to impact ratings.

It's like you've checked out or got bored.

Mario Pinard, 55, producerof the Marie-Lyne. Period , a talk show

I've been hosting for two - years. - He knows the industry

but is still stuck in the old ways.

My behaviour?

Sure it's not the internet, podcasts, the decline in ad revenue,

and platforms that are having an impact on ratings, Mario?

I can't fire the internet.

I get that but keeping a straight face through Karao-Spa interviews is not easy.

I wanted my own talk show, not circus.

I'm not the only one who saw how uncomfortable Sophie Thibault was,

singing Koriass in a tankini.

You think? I don't mind

as long as we keep the Truth or Dairy segment

because of our sponsors.

Fucking sponsors...

And if you need to talk to someone or need support, even a shoulder to lean on--

Thanks for offering.

One of our HR guys is trained for that.

I miss the Marie-Lyne from two years ago.

Well, she doesn't exist anymore.

Of course she does.

Could a missing piece be keeping success at bay?

- A missing piece? - Yeah.

In the shape of an old friend she could patch things with on TV.

OK... so you're talking about Eve.

That's the kind of thing that would show us

that you're really invested. Do it for the show!

OK, listen, I'll think about it.

But later. Gotta get my asshole plugged for the Human Hourglass segment first.

What a stroke of genius on your part. -It's very profitable!

I can't believe I used to listen to Steph Carse and Marie Carmen on this!

Geez, I didn't expect smashing things to be this satisfying.

What made you choose this?

Honestly, I wanted to impress you on our two-year anniversary.

It's fun but a bit violent. How about we just go to wine country next year?

Good to know you think we'll be together next year.

Maybe we should start thinking about making babies.

Sure, we can 'start' to...

Sorry, I'm obsessing.

Haven't we partied enough?

And new moms are not super fond of vineyards...

Well, mine downed a bottle while giving me my bath.

To each their own.

Here!

- Ta-dam! - Sushi?

It's like being in Farmer Wants A Wife. I love it!

- Cheers. - Cheers!

Enjoy it while you can. Can't eat sushi while pregnant.

Let me savour the moment.

I want to enjoy my tuna, not think about poisoned fetuses.

Sorry, you're right. They weren't cheap, so let's savour them.

Sorry, it's Steph.

But it's our anniversary!

Hi, StA�phane!

Eve,

I know you're busy so I'll be quick.

I'm swamped here too.

Is everything OK?

I hear some rumbling in the background.

Yeah, I'm fine. What is it?

I just got a call from France.

Ooh! Good news?

A French producer is coming to see your show next month.

I don't have any gigs planned. -You'll be doing Marie-Lyne's talk show.

- Are you kidding me? - I spoke to the producer, Mario,

who agrees with me.

And you didn't think getting my OK was important?

I made a brunch reservation for you two tomorrow.

Clear things up, so that next month

- you two can work together. - And she agreed to that?

She's willing to meet you halfway and bury the ratchet.

Hatchet.

I don't give a fuck what you bury

as long as you two rekindle your chemistry,

so that we can all profit from it.

It it goes awry, fuck the hatchet,

- I'm burying our contract. - 10 AM tomorrow.

Fine, OK.

I'm only doing this because of France. We're going to France!

Long live France.

Did she already hang up?

We're going to France? When?

It's always your projects, not ours. -I can't start a career in France at 50.

Sure, makes more sense to wait till 50 to get pregnant.

You're hard to follow. This morning it was babies, tonight, Paris.

I'm not really myself before coffee.

Listen,

I'll tell you what I want. I want a baby. With you.

For real.

But before I can do that, I need to live first.

Is that OK?

I have this lust for life now because I know this is where we're headed.

But I need to know what I'm capable of first.

Why didn't you say so before? -I thought we had an understanding.

Right?

But first, lemme drink all the French wine I desire.

I'm saying yes to a baby, but not tonight.

You'll have to keep cumming on my tits a while longer.

So?

Not bad for a hungover gal, eh?

So you haven't seen this yet?

An iPad? Sure, I have.

"Marie-Lyne Joncas ruffles feathers..." What?

"The recent misconduct of 41-year-old..." -Hey, I'm 38.

"...mark a period in which, frankly,

"the former host has lost some of her sparkle and bite

"and doesn't seem motivated to create quality programs."

It's even worse when well written.

Mario, I can see you're worried. Don't be.

As soon as a celebrity dons an ugly tube dress on Big Brother,

they'll forget all about me, I swear.

That's your solution?

I'm meeting Eve tomorrow to fake a reunion. I've done my part.

I'm afraid it might not be enough.

Are you sick? Do you have melanoma?

You should disclose it now.

I'm meeting with Eve to save my career despite the industry wishing I had cancer!

By the way, Mario,

onions are not dairy, they're vegetables!

Guess the article was right, you are ruffling feathers. I'm choking on 'em.

You can't always trust reporters. For instance, some said your show is good.

You've always been quick-witted. Too bad it doesn't show with your guests.

So you are watching us? Thanks for being there. We need you. Don't abandon us.

Well...

here's to our reunion.

- Professional. - Totally.

Nothing will ever be as funny as when the Canadians advanced to the finals

and you smoked with your feet.

Remember the blister I found between my toes the next day?

I can still feel your pain.

Dunno if it's the bubbly that's making me say what I'm about to say but...

- I'm happy to see you, buddy. - You know

how awkward I am at these things.

I'll just raise my glass and say, I agree.

I said it first! -I was starting to get emotional.

Do you remember why we stopped talking? -Yeah. You went solo without telling me.

You told everyone but me you had had enough of our show.

Eve, I was tired. The tour had ended. I just needed to let the dust settle.

You could've told me.

Is that why we stopped talking?

I was waiting for you to apologize.

I was hoping you would.

Fine, so, we both apologize.

- We're sorry, everyone! - Sorry!

Good.

Oof. Check out the beige capris.

Are these the pants you were comparing my boyfriend to?

I thought that was him.

Should we order another bottle? -Totally. We're celebrating our reunion.

But without the OJ. It's giving me heartburn.

Girl! Two bottles of bubbly,

- to go. - Yeah.

Uncork it then recork it.

Remember all the dreams we had?

Mucho dreams, man! Like what, again?

We wanted to buy a donkey and call it... -David C-ass-idy!

Didn't we want to buy a vineyard too? And make our own wine.

- Let's do it! - Are you insane?

We just patched things up. How about we start up slow?

Like with a TV show.

Are you insane? With our foul mouths, no broadcaster is stupid enough to hire us.

I'm telling you, we should follow our true passion.

- Trust me. - Let's follow it, then.

- Press send! - Hold on!

- It's just the alcohol talking. - No, it's our dream.

Alcohol is just speeding things along.

- Let's go! - I gotta talk to my boyfriend.

I'm giving you an order, Eve CA'tA�!

It'll still be on sale tomorrow! -Maybe it won't. Press send!

Let's live our lives to the fullest!

Hey you two! Back together?

- Yep! - Yes. We're buying this!

Look!

"Visit tomorrow, 1 PM."

From drunks to winemakers!

We'll visit, then buy it, then be rich!

Have you ever worked on a farm? -How much?

I know how much money you make and you can't afford it.

But is it doable? -Sounds like a stupid drunken plan.

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