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(LIGHT R&B MUSIC PLAYING)

(LOUD MOANING)

(KELLY CRIES OUT)

(LAUGHING)

KELLY: Faster, go faster!
KEITH: That's as fast as I can go.

KELLY: Slower, slower!
KEITH: Fast or slow? Make your mind up.

KELLY: Oh. No, not there. No!

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)

KEITH: Oh, sorry.
I didn't mean to put it in there.

They're so close together, aren't they?

(KELLY WHIMPERS)

KEITH: Just lay down on your back.
On your back.

Okay.

(BOTH MOANING)

(BOTH CRY OUT)

-KEITH: I'm gonna blow me beans!
-(KELLY SCREAMING)

Wahey!

(SIGHS LOUDLY) Thanks for letting me
seagull your beautiful bangers.

The icing on the cookie. It was lovely.

(SIGHS)

(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)

Keith?

Yeah?

I just want you to know that I'm not with you

because you're a disgustingly rich,
successful businessman,

or devastatingly handsome...

Yeah, I know.

It's 'cause I've got
a nice personality, haven't I?

But me handsomeness
is a faculty though, innit?

Ooh, yeah. I mean, of course, it's a faculty.

You know, my knees tremble with lust
whenever I come near you.

Do they?

You're the kind of hunky sex god
I've been looking for all my life,

the man I always hoped I'd marry.

-Honestly?
-Well...

-Not really.
-Eh?

Everything I'm saying is coming out
of your dirty little mind.

You don't honestly think I'd let you
seagull my bangers in real life, do you?

-Yeah.
-This is a dream.

Your girlfriend is stood there watching us.

-Hiya, Keith.
-Rosie!

Oh, it's fine, I don't mind you
seagulling Kelly Brook's bangers.

She's one of your "would if you could"
top-three celebrities.

-Plus, you're never gonna meet her.
-She's right.

You're never gonna meet me.

She's right, you know?
You're never gonna meet her.

This is all just a dream.

UK garage sensation Craig David,

-get out of my dream!
-(LAUGHING EVILLY)

(GASPS)

(TRAIN HORN BLOWS)

(UK GARAGE TUNE PLAYS ON RADIO)

-(FARTS)
-(SIGHS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(BLEEPING RINGTONE)

Hello?

-Hiya, Keith. It's Rosie.
-Hello?

-I can't hear you.
-(LAUGHS) Keith? It's Rosie.

-I haven't got me thing in.
-Keith, what are you doing?

-Just sticking me thing in.
-(STATIC) What are you putting in?

Right, the thing's in. Hello, who is it?

It's Rosie.

Rosie, it's Keith.
I was just dreaming about you.

Aw... Was it a romantic dream?

Yeah, I seagulled all over your bangers.

Aw...

-I love you.
-Yeah, I know.

Say it then.

I do you, too.

I miss ya.

I'm comin' back tomorrow.

And, anyway, Rosie, who else can make
a mashed potato sandwich like you?

Is it nice?

(COUGHS)

(MUFFLED) I'm having it
for me breakfast now.

It's the best mashed potato sandwich
I ever had in me life.

Listen, I've got to be down here
for t'Invention Convention thing, haven't I?

It's gonna take Securipole to a higher plateau.

This time, Rosie, it's the big time this time.

-So what time do you have to be there?
-9:00.

And what time is it now?

It's 10:00.

Ass fucked!

I'm, oh, so very late!

(FAVOURITE SHIRTS [BOY MEETS GIRL]
BY HAIRCUT ONE HUNDRED PLAYS)

Bang tidy.

Fit.

Okay, the reason that I've organised
this corporate dinner tonight

is to tell you both that,
in two and a half days from now,

I'm going to t'Big Apple.

New York?

No, other Big Apple, London.

It's time to take Securipole global.

America, Australia, maybe even Torquay.

Why do you want to go to London now
when we've only just set up?

Don't you think we should try
and sell some poles around here first,

and then, you know, expand slowly?

Rosie, the only thing
that's gonna be expanding slowly

is my big, fat tallywacker in your mouth

when we're making sweet love. (LAUGHS)

I always wanted to go to that London,

but me dad said it was likely
that I'd get stabbed.

No, that's not likely.

-Or bummed.
-That won't happen.

Or bummed and stabbed.

-By a terrorist.
-That might happen.

And, Douglas, whilst I'm away,
look after Rosie,

I'm making you the main man.
You're gonna be me.

Rosie, don't you worry.
Whilst I'm down that London,

I won't look at another bird,
no matter how FAF they are.

"FAF"?

KEITH: Fit as Fuck.

-(MAN WHISTLES)
-I would go balls deep on that.

-MAN 1: Phwoar!
-MAN 2:...hang out the back of that.

SPEAKER: Order. Would the right honourable
gentlemen please calm down?

Taxi!

Oi!

Thanks very much for letting me
share your London black cab.

It's okay.

I've got to say, you're my favourite Spice Girl.

Aw, I bet you say that
to all the Spice Girls, don't you?

No, I don't. I've never met any Spice Girls.

Oh.

Uh... This is me.

Oh, don't you pay. I'll get this.
Don't worry about that.

It's not every day you meet
your favourite Spice Girl, is it?

Okay, thanks. Cheers.

-Ta-ta.
-Bye.

South Bank, please. Oh!

Sorry. I thought the cab was free.

No worries.

I've got to say, you're my favourite Spice Girl.

I bet you say that to all the Spice Girls.

No, I've never met any Spice Girls.

Well, I have, I've just met the Baby one.

-Nice. Emma.
-Yeah, Emma Bunt-on.

So let me tell you a bit about myself.
I sell Securipoles.

And tell you what, 'cause you're a Spice Girl,

I could do you a good deal,
I could stick one in your front passage,

or I could stick one in your back passage.

It's up to you.

Oh, do you know what?
I think this is where I get out,

-but it was so lovely to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.

Yeah? Good luck in London and everything.

Thanks.

-Good luck with what you're doing. Bye.
-Bye.

GRUFF VOICE: Taxi! Hold up!

Come on, then, tell me
I'm your favourite Spice Girl. (LAUGHS)

-(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
-You're my favourite Spice Girl.

-Thanks, I'll run from here. Cheers!
-DRIVER: Stingy bastard!

-Oh my days! Simon Pegg.
-Gary Barlow.

-Oh, from Boyzone?
-You're thinking of Ronan Keating.

No, I was thinking of Simon Pegg.

Hey, I wouldn't go in there. It's Scary Spice.

She's scratching her grapes and everything.

It's terrible. It stinks.

SCARY SPICE: Can you smell that?

-Me minge is kicking out a reet pong!
-(TYRES SCREECH)

BARLOW: Fuckin' hell.

SCARY SPICE: Oh, you're a prude,
Barlow, you are.

You're a fuckin' prude.

Here I am,
at the Invention Convention in London,

where the world's best
inventors and entrepreneurs

are hoping to come up
with the revolutionary idea

that will change the world.

As the slogan suggests,
it's where dreams come true.

Excuse me, can you tell me where
the Convention Invention is, please?

Over there, mate.

FEMALE ON PA:
Welcome to the Invention Convention.

Of course it is. Okay.

(EXHALES)

Let's do this.

WOMAN ON PA: Please keep off the grass.

(WHIRRING)

So, it removes your nasal hairs,

but would it remove
the hairs from your testicles?

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the Waterbot.

I am Waterbot.

Taste it.

WATERBOT: Yeah, taste it.

-It makes me wanna... Like, I wanna...
-Wanna...

BOTH: Dance!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

BOTH: Power grab! Power grab!

Power grab!

(LAUGHING) Oh, bloody twazzocks.

Ooosh!

(SHOES SQUEAK)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(HUSHED)
This time is the big time this time.

I'm Sylvester Stallone.

Demolition Man.

I can do this.

Ladies and gentlemen,
allow me to introduce you

to something that has travelled
back from the future to the past,

right here to the present time,

to protect your automoto vehicle.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the Securipole.

I shall now demonstrate
an extremely quick erection.

(WOMAN COUGHS)

Sha-ting!

Now,

who would like a free consultation
without any obligation

across the nation?

Anyone?

-Yes, sir, would you like a brochure?
-No.

Some bumph, pamphlets? No? Okay.
Have a nice day.

Oh, no.

I like it!

I like it big-time.

It's shiny, neat, compact, simple.

The name is Rihal. Kushvinder Rihal.

Well, Kushvinder, nice to meet you.
My name's Keith.

So, um, what's your business?
What you shifting?

What, is it a secret?

I have taken the buttons
from a mobile phone device

and replaced them with no buttons.

My friend,

I give you the world's first

Touchy, Screeny,
Phone Invention Type Invention,

it's called the Tisipiti.

Titistipi?

Tisipiti.

Tisipisti? Pisitist? It's called Pisitist?

Sisipis? Pisipis?

Tisipiti.

I can't read Spanish.
What does it say? Tistipi...

Tisipiti.

Piss on titties?

This is my problem!

The device is revolutionary,
but name of it is shit.

It's a bit shit.

Nobody wants to buy a bloody phone
with no buttons with a shit name.

This bloody... This phone.

What are you doing?

This phone is curse of my life.

However, as far as I am concerned,

I have never seen the public
presentation as captivating as yours.

Oh, thanks.

And the cavalier attitude
was sound as a pound.

So, my friend, please, please, I beg you,

take the phone and do what you will.

You can give me 8.2% gross corridor
if you make any money.

But I'm giving up on this product.

So, it's all yours, Keith.

(LAUGHS) What do you say?

Well, I've got me own business,
haven't I? Secur...

What do you say?

-You can't just give all your...
-What do you say?

(SIGHS)

Okay.

Ah. I feel free.

How do you turn it on then?

WOMAN ON PA: Attention, this is
an announcement for all exhibitors.

Please pack up your inventions.
The show is over.

You're telling me.

(SIGHS)

Going global.

(DICKHEAD
BY KATE NASH PLAYING)

♪ Why you being a dickhead for?

♪ You're just fucking up situations

♪ Why you being a dickhead for?

♪ Stop being a dickhead ♪

I wish Rosie was here.

She'd know what to do.

Well, I told ya.

You should try and sell
some poles in Leeds first,

expand the business slowly.

It's not gonna just happen overnight, Keith.

Rosie, I need some TLC.

Some Tender Lemon Cuddles.

Come here.

-I miss you.
-I miss you.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS)

-Will you nosh me off?
-(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)

It's cold out, will you be quick?

I'll be really quick
and it'll make me feel much better.

-Okay.
-Thanks.

Just put that in your mouth there.
Yeah, there you go.

Ooh.

Oh. Use some tongue. Yeah.

Just manoeuvre your head. Move around.

(MOANING)

I'll tell you what, let's lay down.

You be on top.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Ah! You sat on me balls, sat on me balls.

Nice, exhilarating.

Turn around. Let's do it from behind.

Just feel your breasts. (MOANS)

Like a monkey.

Dribbling like a fried egg sandwich.

(NORTHERN ENGLISH ACCENT)
Dirty, bloody Londoner.

Come on, Mother, we're going home.

Jesus!

I'm going crazy. Must be t'stress.

What's she gonna say when she finds out
I've ordered a thousand poles?

(FOG HORN BLOWS)

If it was a thousand,
and not two and a 'alf thousand.

I'm totally screwed if it's
two and a 'alf thousand.

One million poles?

There must've been a mistake with the order.

We clearly haven't ordered a million poles.

Well, a Mr Keith Lemon
ordered them, apparently.

-Who from?
-Uh...

-E. Steve Incorporated.
-Who's E. Steve?

Evil Steve. He is an evil bastard.

You know Hoodless Harry, don't you?
He had a plumbing business.

He couldn't make the payments
on 100 U-bends he'd ordered.

Not a million like what's going on here,

a mere hundred.

Well, when he couldn't pay up,
he had to pay in skin.

(MEN LAUGHING)

-Skin?
-(SCREAMING)

Aye, foreskin.

(RACY MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello.

I gotta say, our Gary,
thanks for coming down to see us.

Not a problem.

I said I'd take me mum
to see Cliff Richards at Madame Tussauds.

Oh, aye. Did it look like him?

No. Melted him down, turned him into...
(SHOUTS)...Beyoncé!

I don't know why I came to London,
I've not sold one Securipole.

The only thing you'll sell down here,
Keith, is your soul.

And you'll end up in the shit.

Yeah, it's all gone tits up. Not you, love.
You can keep 'em where they are.

I don't even know why you wanna move
to London in the first place for anyhow.

They can't even understand us.
You can't even order a drink.

Go on. Go and try.

Excuse me, can I have a Coke, please?

Did you just call me a cock?

No, I said, can I have a glass of Coke?

You want me to put my arse on your cock?

Fuck off, you ginger twat.

It's strawberry blond.
I'm strawberry blond, aren't I?

Let me give you a bit of advice
that my dad gave to me

just before he went off to join the circus.

He said, "Never..."

(MUFFLED)

Yeah.

"...animals or any other kind or livestock."

Fair do's.

If it works out well, I'll be right behind you.

But if you change,
I'll let you know you've changed.

(GRUNTING)

All right, Mom.

Let's go and have a look
at this fucking London Eye.

-Ta-ra, Auntie Fanny.
-Ta-ra, our Keith.

I can't believe that's her real name.
It's American for "arse."

DELIVERY MAN:
Well, I'm gonna need a signature.

ROSIE: Only an idiot would sign that.

I'll sign it for ya.

-What are you dressed as?
-Keith Lemon. The main man.

As instructed by the actual main man,
Keith Lemon.

Can I just say, Rosie,
that you look bang tidy. Ooosh!

Why's my pen not working?

It tastes of piss and all.

That's not a pen.

No, it's a pregnancy test.

Ho-ho! And it's positive.

Congratulations, you make a lovely couple.

-Well done, Keith.
-Thank you.

We're not a couple. That's not Keith Lemon.

I'm Douglas.

Douglas Orange.

(BLEEPING RINGTONE)

Hello?

Hiya, it's Rosie. How's things?

What is it, Rosie? Is everything okay?

Um... We've got a bit of a problem.

What's up, Rosie? A distinct stress
in your voice, what's the matter?

Have you ordered some, um...
Some poles?

Yeah, I did, I ordered a thousand.

Good job I did, as well,

'cause I've already surpassed
my presale expectations.

-How many noughts in a thousand, Keith?
-Huh?

-How many, Keith?
-Uh...

A few of those circular buggers. Um, six?

Six noughts is a million!

You've ordered a million Securipoles
from Evil Steve.

Rosie, don't worry
because Evil Steve isn't that evil.

He's friends with Fairdo's Mick
and Nice Tariq.

"Fairdo's Mick"? "Nice Tariq"?
Who are these people?

Why are you doing business with weirdoes?

Hey, they aren't weird.

You wanna worry about Weird Paul.

He's got a minge and a penis.
You don't know where you stand with him.

Keith, this is serious.

On a happier note, Keith, Rosie is pregnant.

-You're gonna be a daddy.
-(YELLS) Dougie, that's private!

Daddy?

All right, give us your fucking money, bruv.

Excuse me, what did you say?
Sorry, I was on t'phone.

I said, "Give me your fucking money, bruv."

Listen, guys.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

You don't want to do this.

I know about your troubles and strifes.

Yeah?

(JAMAICAN ACCENT)
Wagwan, bredbin? Bumbinsquat and ting.

I'm one of yours.

-One of us?
-Yes.

I, too, am biracial.

You'll probably notice that me figmentation

is darker than the average white man.

That's because me mam
had an affair with Billy Ocean.

Who the fuck is Billy Ocean?

You don't know who Billy Ocean is?

Billy Ocean sang...

(BEATBOXING)

Keith?

(BEATBOXING)

Keith?

He's singing When The Going Gets Tough.

Keith's dad sang that. It's Billy Ocean.

Billy Ocean?

♪ Ooh! I wanna touch you ♪

It's you.

♪ Wanna touch you
And do the things that lovers do

♪ 'Cause when the going gets tough

♪ The tough get going

♪ When the going gets rough

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

Be even better if you took that down.
It'll be muffled.

♪ Hey hey! Hey-hey-hey! Hey! ♪

(TUTS)
What the fuck is this piece of shit, man?

ROSIE: Keith, are you there?

-It's me telephone.
-ROSIE: Keith?

(LINE DISCONNECTS)

The line's gone dead.

Listen, guys, we can do this the easy way,

or we can do it not the easy way.

That being...

The hard way!

Ooosh!

Come on! I'll kill you down, rasclaats!

Then rasclaat this, man.

(GRUNTS)

Just don't touch me hair,

'cause I've recently had a Brazilian
blow-dry. It took three hours.

(EXCLAIMS)

(HUMMING)

♪ I've just been mugged
I've just been mugged

♪ To lighten the mood
I'm singing this song

♪ I'm out for the count
But it won't be for long ♪

Ooosh! Ooosh!

Hello, and welcome to my inner conscience.

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING WILDLY)
-Yes! Thanks, now bring it down.

(AUDIENCE QUIETS DOWN)

-Now, bring it back up.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERS WILDLY)

Yes! Thanks for coming.

Okay, I'm here to fill the time until
I come back around from this mugging

by those "yoots" of today.

Oh, listen.

Get his fucking suit, you lot, man.

Shit!

-They've taken me clothes, the little bastards.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

It's a good suit that, as well,

me mam got me that
from B&HS and C&A and Clockhouse...

Anyway, whilst we're here,

we might as well have a bit of fun, hadn't we,

so I can connect with you.

Let's see if you can guess
what I'm thinking of right here

in my inner conscience.

It's nice, innit?

Okay, you got an allotted time
and your time starts...

now! (HONKS)

That's it, your time's up.
So, did you get it right?

That's correct! It was a wall of arses.

There's my favourite, I don't know about you.
I quite like that one as well there.

Wi' t'dimples on t'back.

I like to get me thumbs in
when I'm smashing back doors in.

-(MOBILE CHIMING)
-Okay. Oh, listen.

-(MOBILE VIBRATES)
-KUSHVINDER: You got bloody text.

Just getting a text through
on that funny phone thing.

(MOBILE CONTINUES CHIMING)

-KUSHVINDER: You got bloody text.
-Well, I better go.

Okay, I was me inner conscience.

If I don't see you through t'week,
I'll see you through t'window.

I better get back into me bad self.

Sha-ting!

KUSHVINDER: You got bloody text.

(MOBILE CHIMING)

-KUSHVINDER: You got bloody text.
-(MOBILE CHIMES)

(GROANS)

-KUSHVINDER: You got bloody text.
-(MOBILE CHIMES)

-KUSHVINDER: You got bloody text.
-(MOBILE CHIMES)

"Just been mugged?
Look like a bum covered in blood?"

(MOBILE CHIMES)

"Then visit The Fixer.

"No problem too small, no disaster too tall."

(CHUCKLES WEAKLY)

Rhymes.

Then follow the Sati-nav.

Tisipiti Sati-nav service is operating,
isn't it, mate?

Get up, dust yourself off

and climb gallantly out of threatening subway.

What have I got to lose?

Oh, me spincter.

(GROANS)

I'm glad they didn't take
these shoes. I love these shoes.

KUSHVINDER:
Fearlessly exit the pissy subway.

Straight.

More straight.

Stop!

(CROWS CAWING)

You have reached your bloody destiny,
isn't it, mate?

We got here in good time, kids.

(DOOR CREAKS)

KUSHVINDER: Now we go upstairs.
Uppityuppity.

(CAWING CONTINUES)

Right turn.

Bloody spooky, isn't it, mate?

Don't knock. It's open. Good luck, kid.

(CREAKING)

ARCHIMEDES: Listen, G, if this next
fix doesn't get me back in the club,

then you can cut my dick off
and fuck me in the holiest of all holes.

That's right. I said it.

The asshole.

Take a seat, Mr Lemon.
I'll be with you in a minute.

Clean yourself up.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah, yeah, I know.
The moustache is pretty bad.

Who the hell has a moustache these days?

See ya, I always wanna be ya.

Okay, back to business.

Hi, I'm Archimedes. I'm The Fixer.

Nice to meet you, Keith.

What's unfolding in this scenario?

Um, well, like the text said, I'm The Fixer.

-Fixer?
-Yeah.

I find people who are down and out
and I try to help them.

Now, before we get started,

I just have some preliminary questions for you.

If you were to describe your situation
in one word, what would that be?

Oh.

Well, basically, I've always dreamed
of being the next Richard Branston.

You know, Branston Pickles.

I'd like to be a household name
with my product, Securipole,

which I've accidentally preordered
a million of from Evil Steve,

that's because I'm numerically dyslexic.

And, so far, I've not sold one,
so I won't be able to pay him back,

and he's probably gonna cut me foreskin off.

And I don't even got one,
I had it removed with I was three.

(MURMURS) Foreskin.

I'm as smooth as a dolphin's beak downstairs.

I don't know what else he's gonna cut off.

And also, me girlfriend,
that's not really me girlfriend,

is my girlfriend,
but she ain't really me girlfriend,

but she is me girlfriend, she's pregnant.

Don't know how that's happened

because I swear I pulled it out at the right time.

And I've got verruca.
And I think that me piles have come back.

It's like a shitake mushroom
hanging out of me asshole.

It's like I've got an ingrown toenail
in me chocolate starfish.

-Have a look at that. See there?
-(GAGGING)

(COUGHS)

-By it hurts. The pain's excruciating.
-Okay.

Just in one word, Keith.

Fucked!

DELIVERY MAN: There's one thing
I don't understand.

If Billy Ocean is Keith's dad,
why isn't he called Keith Ocean?

Because his name's Lemon.

He took his mother's name after Billy left.

Oh, yeah.

Of course.

And I can see his Caribbeanesque features.

So, is anyone gonna sign for these poles?

Oh, will you just take them away?

We've obviously made a mistake
with the order.

Hey!

Don't shoot the messenger.

I'm not the bad man here.

-It's Evil Steve.
-(STOMACH GURGLES)

Evil Steve.
Who the hell calls themself Evil Steve?

-(GURGLING CONTINUES)
-Excuse me.

Ooh...

-You've said his name twice.
-(DOOR OPENS)

-I dare you to say it three times.
-(DOOR CLOSES)

-Evil Steve.
-No, don't.

-Evil Steve.
-No.

Evil Steve!

(THUNDER CRACKS)

♪ Evil Steve, Evil Steve ♪

(BONES CRACKING)

♪ Naughty Geordie Evil Steve

♪ Evil Steve ♪

(GEORDIE ACCENT) Evil? Me? You make us
sound like Bin Laden, you do.

Evil?

Where's Lemon? Huh?

Where is he?

Where's stinky fuckin' ginge?

Where is he?

Here I am. The order was a mistake.

So, please leave my premises,
Evil Steve, or I will call the police.

Let's have a look at ye.

(WAILING)

(LAUGHS EVILLY)

That's brown sauce.

Dennis, he got brown sauce on his face.

(LAUGHING)

Howay, Dennis, let's gan.
Otherwise we're gonna miss The X Factor.

It's the results show tonight,
which is me favourite.

Let's take her with us.

I'm not coming anywhere with you.

-You are, biscuit tits.
-I'm not coming.

-You are.
-Dougie! Dougie!

-Rosie! Rosie!
-Dougie!

I'm taking this little titty cup here. Good night.

♪ Evil Stevie

♪ Naughty Geordie ♪

I'm gonna turn you into a human Securipole,

if I don't get me money
within an allotted time slot.

-Oh! (GROANS)
-What's wrong?

I keep getting a shooting pain in me arsehole.

-ROSIE: Dougie!
-That was a fast one.

(GROANING)

Dougie, go to London. Get Keith. Get Keith!

Rosie!

♪ Evil Steve ♪

London, eh?

It's full of gays and terrorists down there.

You'll probably get bummed and stabbed.

That's what my dad said.

(KEITH BREATHING HEAVILY)

I pay a lot of money for this place,
but it's worth it for the view.

Tell me about it. I'm tit-matised.

Ooh!

Listen, right, if you're The Fixer,
how are you gonna fix...

Where's he gone?

What are you doing?

I'm in dire straits here.
Not the band, the predicament.

So, how are you gonna fix me?

Well, what you got to work with?

Nowt.

Apart from this hi-tech phone,

where the buttons have been
replaced with no buttons,

but the fella that gave it to me
couldn't even give it away,

apart from the one he gave to me,
he gave them all to me.

Argh!

-I got it!
-What?

What if we remarket the phone
with a new identity?

-What do you mean?
-Put your name to it.

You said you always wanted
to be a household name.

I do.

Hopefully, they'll buy it

and you'll make enough money
to pay Terrible Tony.

-Do you mean Evil Steve?
-Exactly! Problem solved.

Yarussky!

More importantly, though,
do you think we'll have

enough money to
pay for a cock enlargement for meself?

Uh...

It'd be like a gift for meself.

It'd be like a Christmas present.

Birthday present.

St George's Day present.

(I NEED A DOLLAR
BY ALOE BLACC PLAYS)

♪ I need a dollar, dollar, dollar
That's what I need

♪ Hey, hey
♪ Well, I need a dollar, dollar, dollar...

So, where are we going now?

Well, now that we got the phones,

I know this guy who works in TV,
he's gonna help us put 'em on the map.

Big exposure, the biggest.

-Lemon Squidgy?
-Oh, thanks.

I'll save it for later.

Here, thanks for lending me
these clothes.

No problem.
They belong to an ex-client of mine.

-Haul ass!
-Okay, I'll haul ass.

Wait here. Stay out of trouble.
I'll be right back.

Okay, Archi-pigeon-street.

Well, it went on all night, you know?

Kind of like the night
you and I had together.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, Hoff, it's me.

Could I have a minute, darling?

(WHISTLES)

-(DOOR CLOSES)
-What do you want?

You look fantastic!

You just don't age.

Why don't you just cut to the chase,
Archimedes?

Hey, man, it wasn't my fault that
you didn't get to bone Pamela Anderson.

One of my biggest regrets.

You said you'd fix that for me.

I was the one that told you
to do the show about the talking car.

Oh, yeah.

If it wasn't for me, there'd be no Hoff.

Yeah, I know.

But can you do a pal a favour?

What sort of favour?

(MOBILE RINGING)

-Hi.
-Hi, darling. How are you?

Oh, hello. How are you?

(CHERRY PIE BY WARRANT PLAYS)

♪ Well, she's my cherry pie

♪ Put a smile on your face
Ten miles wide

♪ Looks so good
Bring a tear to your eye

♪ Sweet cherry pie, yeah

-♪ Swing it!
-(MOBILE RINGING)

-Kelly Brook?
-Yes?

-You're Kelly Brook?
-Yes, I am.

-I'm a big fan.
-That's nice.

Yeah, all your calendars
and your films and stuff.

Thank you.

Piranha 3D,
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo,

when you were on Big Breakfast
and you got sacked,

and when you were on
Britain's Got Talent and you got sacked.

Must have been distraught for you, but...
big fan.

In fact, I had a dream
about you last night.

What did you dream about?

Well, you were saying, "Faster, slower"'

and then you didn't know
if you liked it fast or slow,

so I blabbed all over your bangers.

And then I went down to the hidden area

and give it some sort of like...
Maw! Maw! Maw!...action.

Maw! Maw! Maw!

-Oh, disgusting!
-Maw! Maw! Maw!

And then clean the windows
and feed the horse.

(MAKES TRILLING SOUNDS)
Maw! Maw! Maw!

What are you doing? We got a show to do.

-Let's go.
-All right.

I'm a bit nervous.
I've never been on TV before.

Don't worry about it. You'll be fine.

-Is it live?
-Yes.

Oh, shit.

ANNOUNCER: Live from London,
it's The Hoff Hour Show

with your host, David Hasselhoff

and special guest star, Kelly Brook.

And here's your host, it's the Hoff.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Welcome back to The Hoff Hour Show.

Thirty minutes of yours truly.

We're gonna continue our chat with
the amazingly beautiful Kelly Brook.

I mean, she is "Hoff" the charts.
She is Hoffalicious.

I am Hoffcrazy for her.
I would do time for her.

(LAUGHS)

But first, we bring you Northern
businessman, Mr Keith Melon.

That's you, man. Good luck.

David, who is this idiot?

It's, um, Keith "Lemon".
Who'd be called "Melon"? Bit of a silly name.

Keith Melon. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS WEAKLY)

-(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
-(ALL LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS LOUDLY)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

(DWINDLING LAUGH)

Keith, I've been told by a little birdie

that you have some sort of
revolutionary communication device

that you want to show us.

Okay.

(EXHALES)

-You can show us that now if you'd like.
-Yes.

It's okay, ladies and gentlemen,
he's just a bit nervous.

-(CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGH)

Come on, man.

Okay.

Well, on first glance,
it looks like an ordinary phone,

and then, at second glance,
it don't look like a normal phone.

Kushvinder! This bloody bastard Lemony
he has stolen your Tisipiti.

Keith didn't steal it.
I gave it to him. Mmm!

...that's because
of the touchscreen technology.

This guy is selling it rubbish,
just like you.

Bloody Tisipiti!

I tell you, come up with a great idea

and you give it
a stupid fucking name like Tisipiti.

I don't know why I married you.

Oh, no, I do.
Because it was bloody arranged.

But it's the touchscreen technology
that's really the clincher.

Well, I think that's, uh...

David, drop this twat.
Get back to Kelly Brook.

So, Kelly...

I believe you have a new calendar
coming out this year.

-He's blown it.
-Yes, I do, David.

Does it have all 12 months?

Yes, David, it does have all 12 months.

Wow! I hate those calendars
with only seven months.

-I know.
-Ridiculous. You're really, really...

Remarket the phone.
Put your name to it.

Give it a new identity.

DAVID: December issue, are you wearing

one of those skimpy little
sexy Santa outfits?

Actually, David, I'm naked.

And I have two Christmas puddings
covering my...

And it's got a lemon on t'back.

(AUDIENCE GASP)

Shit the bed!

So sexy!

That's the best thing I've ever seen.
I want one.

Wait a second!
What do you call this phone?

Um...

It's called the Lemon Phone.
The Keith Lemon phone.

-(GASPS)
-Of course, Lemon!

Oh, the man's a cunting genius.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the Lemon Phone.

The Keith Lemon phone.

ALL: The Keith Lemon Phone!
The Lemon Phone!

The Keith Lemon Phone! The Lemon Phone!

(LAUGHING)

BOTH: The Lemon Phone!
The Keith Lemon Phone!

The Lemon Phone!

-Incredible! Oh, God!
-Oh!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHANTING)

Eureka!

-Lemon! Whoo!
-Yeah!

-Yarussky, did you see that?
-Well done!

-They loved it, didn't they?
-We're such a great team.

-Thanks, man.
-You're my favourite client.

You are amazing!

Now, all we need to do
is go back to Leeds...

-Call me.
-(EXCLAIMS)

-Anytime.
-ARCHIMEDES: Son of a... Keith?

(MOBILE RINGING)

-ARCHIMEDES: Hey, Keith?
-Hello? Kelly Brook speaking.

KEITH: Is now a good time?

ARCHIMEDES: Keith!

FEMALE REPORTER: It's amazing.

The new Lemon Phone
has literally conquered the world.

Small-time Northern English businessman
Keith Lemon has gone from rags to riches

in an overnight success
to top all overnight successes.

But what is it that makes the phone
so desirable?

It's got a lemon on t'back.

And that makes it good because...

I don't know.

And there you have it,
the answer is they just don't know.

-Lemon on t'back.
-Lemon on t'back.

From New York to India and China
to Barnsley,

the Lemon Phone is a global sensation.

-Lemon on t'back. Lemon on t'back.
-The lemon has truly landed.

And there you have it.

The sales of the Lemon Phone,
the Keith Lemon phone,

have turned you
into an overnight billionaire.

Rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Excuse me while I finish the paperwork.

Amazing!
This is the best fix I've ever done!

I can't believe it.
I'm literally without belief.

So, now, alls we have to do
is pay for the poles,

get you back to Leeds
to father your unborn lovechild,

and live happily ever after with Rosie.

I love it when a fix comes together.

Poles?

Unborn lovechild? Rosie? Leeds?

What's Leeds? Like computer leads?
What are you talking about?

It's where you're from, dumb-ass.

Archiminges, sometimes the right thing
isn't always the black and white thing.

But what about the... (MUFFLED)

So, what are you
going to do with it all, Mr Lemon?

Well, Spectacle Man, the question
ain't what am I going to do with it all,

the question is what aren't
I not gonna do with it all. (LAUGHS)

Isn't that great?

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Here. Go buy yourself some specs.

I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich!

Ooosh!

(PENCIL FULL OF LEAD
BY PAOLO NUTINI PLAYS)

♪ Oh, I've got a sheet for my bed
and a pillow for my head

♪ I got a pencil full of lead
and some water for my throat

♪ I've got buttons for my coat
and sails on my boat

♪ So much more than I needed before

♪ I got money in the meter
and a two bar heater... ♪

Bigger.

♪ I got legs on my chairs
and a head full of hair

♪ Pot and a pan
And some shoes on my feet

♪ I got a shelf full of books
and most of my teeth

♪ A few pairs of socks and a door with a lock

♪ Food in my belly
and a licence for my telly

♪ And nothin's gonna bring me down

Hi.

Now we're talking.

♪ Nothin's gonna bring me down

♪ I got a nice guitar and tyres on my car

♪ I got most of the means... ♪

(MOANING)

♪ ...so I'm in with a shout
I got a fair bit of chat but, better than that,

♪ Food in my belly
and a licence for my telly

♪ And nothin's gonna bring me down

How about a-blowin' that harp, man?

Oh, they're amazing. Oh!

Oh...

(STAMMERS) I'll call you back.

♪ Nothin's gonna bring me down

♪ But best of all
♪ Best of all

♪ I've got my baby

♪ Oh, best of all
♪ Best of all

♪ I've got my baby

♪ She's mighty fine and says she's all mine

♪ And nothin's gonna bring me down
No!

Ah!

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHING)

♪ Oh, best of all
♪ Best of all

♪ I've got my baby

♪ Oh, best of all
♪ Best of all

♪ I've got my baby

♪ She's mighty fine and says she's all mine

♪ And nothin's gonna bring me down

♪ She's mighty fine and says she's all mine

♪ And nothin's gonna bring me down

♪ She's mighty fine and says she's all mine

♪ And nothin's gonna bring me... ♪

Can I have the bangers and gash...
I mean, mash, please?

And the award for Business Man
of the Year goes to Keith Lemon.

(CROWD CHEERING WILDLY)

Thanks.

(DRUNKENLY) Wow! I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.

I'd just like to say
thanks to me for all the hard work.

EVIL STEVE: What the hell

is Keith Lemon doing on the telly,
acting all Rockefeller

when he hasn't even paid me
for my poles?

It's also to me for all I've achieved
during this short period of time.

And thanks to Kelly Brook.

I can't wait to have full-on
penetratitive sex with you

in your minge hole
to constipate our relationship.

So, Kelly, come here.

More importantly, how has a ginger tit
like him pulled Kelly Brook?

He's not ginger, he's strawberry blond.

Strawberry blond, my arse!

He's ginger!

And it looks like Kelly Brook
likes a bit of ginger minge, too.

I thought you was his canny bird.

-I am.
-Well, I'll tell you what,

I've got a big gaff here.

It could do with a woman's touch.
Or should I say,

I could do with a woman's touch.

That's funny 'cause I thought
you and Dennis was an item.

What have you been telling her?

That was just a bit of fun.

We were at polytechnic.
We were experimenting.

Do you and your boyfriend not think

that my boyfriend is not gonna come back
and kick the shit out of you?

What? Does he know jujitsu?

Well, it won't work on us.
'Cause we're Church of England.

-Will we kill her now, boss?
-No, we won't kill her now.

We'll miss I'm a Celebrity.

You get the vat turned on,
get it all hot and bubbly, like.

We'll watch a bit of telly,

then we'll decide what to do.

Scream! I said scream!

I wanna hear you scream!

In your dreams!

-Dennis, shall we get some ice cream?
-Yeah, what's your favourite?

Rum and raisin.

I'll let you smear it all over me
knackers and let you lick it off.

I'm jokin'!

You've got to put those
polytechnic days behind you, man.

Honestly! You tit!

(BUBBLING)

One billion and a half and one,
one billion and a half and two,

one billion and a half and three.
Can you go faster with that fan?

Don't you think you
should check on Rosie

rather than counting your money?

You seem to have forgotten
about all your problems back in Leeds.

This is nothing but bad karma, Keith.
Bad, bad karma.

Archi-cock-blocker, I am calmer.
I'm as calm as a cucumber, unlike you.

All you've done is complain
since I've been an overnight success.

Which is perplexing, really,
as it were you who fixed it all up.

Don't remind me.
You know, I made a big mistake, Keith.

The only mistake you made, brother,

is not getting yourself a costume
for tonight's toga party.

Toga party?

And because I'm a nice and kind man,
and remembered...

-Here. Put that on.
-(GRUNTING)

-This is a napkin.
-It'll be big enough for you.

-But...
-Now excuse me.

I've got a phone call to make.

Hello, is that Yorkshire Bank?
It's Keith. How much money have I got?

Don't you see
that all this is too good to be true?

Archidoodles, if things appear too good
to be true, then they probably are true.

That is the saying.
Now excuse me, I'm on t'phone.

Can you confirm that for me, please?

MAN: You are currently
one billion, five hundred million

-and eight pounds in credit.
-(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Kelly Brook. I've just been on t'phone
to Yorkshire Bank.

I've got one billion and a half
and eight pounds.

I thought I had one billion and a half
and three pounds.

I've just made five pounds, sat in t'hot tub.
Ooosh!

Hey, man. You should ditch this broad.
She's nothing but trouble, if you ask me.

Ditch Kelly Brook?
Have you been glue sniffing?

-Wow! That's so much money.
-Yeah, I know.

Here. You can have some.

Go buy yourself a brassiere
or some tampons. Girl things.

Keith, um... Can I have a word with you?

(SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(TIGER GROWLING)

Archi... (BABBLES)
Can we have some privacy, please?

Go on, piss off.

Keith, I know you've been waiting
for this moment.

So have I. I want you
to constipate this relationship.

Well, come and take me.
Just take me now. Take all of me.

I'm sick of this dry-humping.
I wanna feel you.

I want you to touch me in places

-I've never been touched before.
-(ARCHIMEDES MUMBLING)

I want you to stick
your fingers in my mouth.

Like Michael Douglas in Basic Instinct.

-Just stick them in it really hard.
-Mmm. Scumbag.

Oh, Keith, I can just
feel you right now.

Just come and smash my back doors in.
Take me, Keith!

-Take me! (SCREAMING)
-I'm coming!

(FREAK ME, BABY BY ANOTHER LEVEL
PLAYING)

♪ I wanna get freaky with you

♪ Baby, don't you understand?

♪ I wanna be your nasty man

♪ I wanna make your body scream

♪ Then you will know just what I mean

(RATTLING)

♪ 24-carat gold

♪ Don't want the night to grow cold

♪ I love the taste of whipped cream

♪ Spread it on top of me

(CHOKING)

♪ You know I can't resist you, girl

♪ I'll fly you all around the world

♪ I wanna see your body drip

-♪ Come on, let me take a sip... ♪
-(GASPING) Minge.

-♪ To come, what you cherish most... ♪
-Aaah!

♪ Lick you up and down and make
your bounty body wanna scream

♪ Every time I think about your love
I want to lick you down

♪ Let me freak you all night long
and, girl, then you will... ♪

(THUDDING)

Oh, yes.

♪ Lick you up and down and make
your bounty body wanna scream... ♪

(GASPS)

♪ 'Cause tonight, baby,
I wanna get freaky with you

♪ Let me lick you up and down
till you say stop ♪

(EXCLAIMING IN SHOCK)

♪ Let me play with your body, baby,
make you real hot... ♪

(PANTING)

(MOANING)

Well, um... I had a good time.

I hope you did.
I promise you I wasn't faking anything.

It was nice.
I'll go get ready for the party.

-Oh!
-Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry.
Excuse me. Sorry.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Hello, my name is Douglas.
I'm going to London.

-Where are you going?
-London.

Hello, my name is Douglas.
I'm going to London.

-Where are you going?
-London.

-Hello, my name is Douglas...
-We're all going to fucking London!

-(BELL DINGING)
-ANNOUNCER: Today's in-coach movie

is the Sylvester Stallone classic,
wait for it...

-Spy Kids 3D in 2D.
-(GROANING) His worst one.

Um... I'm sorry about what just happened
when I blabbed up all over the place.

That's never happened
to me before ever in me life.

Anyway, as a token of my apology,
I've got you a present.

I'd like to present you
with these two piranhas on plinths.

If you don't like them,
you can take the plinths off

and you can wear them as earrings.

Just bring 'em up to your ears.
Let's see what they look like.

Oh, yes. They look beautiful.

It really brings the colour
out of your breasts... Your eyes.

-Lovely. Do you like 'em?
-Yeah, they're, um... unique.

Yeah, they're unique, aren't they?
Piranha fish earrings.

Ever so unique. I like that word.

So that means it's a good thing,
doesn't it?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

I love that film, Piranha 3D, me.
I think it's amazing.

Yeah, all the blood and gore and stuff.
That's my kind of film.

You seen Rambo? You've not seen Rambo?

I'll tell you what happens in Rambo
if you've not seen Rambo.

What happens in Rambo
is he tries to get into a small town.

They won't let him into the small town.

So he goes into the small town anyway.

So they arrest him
and take him down to the station,

do his fingerprints, but you can see

he don't want to do his fingerprints.

Then they put him in the shower
and they hose him down,

which I thought was a bit homoerotic.

And then he punches
that ginger guy from CSI: Miami.

Then he breaks out. Then there's
a passerby on the motorbike.

He takes his motorbike from him.

And then he goes into the forest
and he climbs up a tree.

Then he falls out of the tree.
He cuts all his arm up.

But, lucky for him,
he's got a Rambo knife.

It's got loads of trinkets in it.

It's got needle and thread in there.

So he sews up his arm like that

and he goes further into the forest
being chased by the locals.

A bit like Frankenstein.
They've got torches and stuff.

Then he goes into a tunnel.

And we see loads of flashbacks
of when he was in Vietnam.

So we know he's not in trouble.

And then he gets
loads of rats on his back.

And he burns the rats off his back.
Then they blow up the tunnel.

Then he goes out of the tunnel.
Then he goes into the town

that he tried to get into before.

And he meets his old sergeant
and then he says...

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

You can't tell what he's saying
but you can tell that he says,

"They drew first blood. Not me."

Hence the title of the film,
First Blood.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

Hey, I've heard that the sequel
to Marley & Me is coming out as well.

Marley & Me 2.
And that's gonna be in 3D.

If it is in 3D,
that's gonna be summat.

I'll buy a ticket for that, I will.

Keith Lemon, award winning businessman
and overnight billionaire,

is hosting a toga party
to top all toga parties.

Promising to be a night
packed full of celebrities.

It's certainly...
Ohhh! The Rizzle Kicks are here.

Looking forward to the party, guys?

Yeah, I've always wanted
to fuck a goddess.

I'm a black Zeus.

Um... I've just got to apologise
for the language there

and it's certainly a party
nobody's going to want to miss.

-MAN: Rizzle Kicks, over here.
-I can't believe they fucking swore.

-WOMAN: Keith Lemon party, this way.
-(CARS HONKING)

Lemon Towers.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)

-(WHOOPING)
-Keith, what about Rosie?

Ladies, what we got here is a boiled egg
surrounded by Italian sausage meat

and golden breadcrumb.
In Italy, we call it the Scotch egg.

It's like putting a ship in a bottle.
Touch my balls, touch my balls.

No, I meant really touch my balls.

(WOMEN CHEERING)

Man, messed up again.

(CHUCKLING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING LOUDLY)

Oh! Is this alcoholic?
Fucking-A! (GIGGLING)

-Hey.
-Hmm?

You told me this was
an Egyptian party, you twat.

(CHEERING)

So, Tinchy, how do you know Keith then?

-He's my cousin, innit?
-Oh.

Come on, come on, come on...

-Yes! Come on!
-(ALL CHEERING)

-You beauty!
-(TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYING)

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

-You all having a good time?
-(ALL CHEERING)

Well, it's about to get even gooderer.
It's very emotional, this, for me.

Some of you may or may not know
that I come from a single-parent family.

There was just me and me mam
and me brother, who was homosexual.

That's why I'm a little bit effeminate.

It's all lager under the bridge.

Kelly, can you get off t'phone, please?

-I'm a bit emotional.
-Oh.

Please welcome onstage...
(MIMICKING DARTH VADER) My father!

-It's none other than Billy Ocean!
-(ALL CHEERING)

WOMAN: We love you, Billy!

If Billy Ocean's his father,
then I'm his fucking mother.

It's me dad. You can see, can't you?

(ECHOING) Rewind selector.

(WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH,
THE TOUGH GET GOING PLAYING)

♪ Yeah! Oh, honey

♪ I got something to tell you

♪ I got something to say

♪ I'm gonna put this dream in motion

♪ Never let nothing stand in my way ♪

-(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
-Hold on. Wait for me. Wait for me.

-He's huge, so huge.
-(WOMAN MURMURING)

-No, I didn't know what...
-DOUGIE: You'll be all right, Dougie.

Just don't make eye contact with a gay.

Oh, he's gay. Definitely gay.

At least he's no terrorist. Fuck off!

-Craig?
-Who's that?

It is Avid. Do you know Billy Ocean?

Yeah, he was a huge,
big pop star in the '80s.

He looks like black Santa Claus.
I trust him.

-I can't hear you.
-I can't hear you.

-I've got a bad reception.
-I have a bad reception.

I lost him. I'm in the shit.

♪ When the going gets tough
♪ The tough get going

♪ When the going gets rough

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Keith?

Keith! It's me!

Keith!

♪ Darlin', I'll climb any mountain

♪ Darlin', I'll do anything

♪ Ooh, can I touch you?
♪ Ooh, can I touch you?

♪ And do the things that lovers do? ♪

-Hey.
-That was so good. Oh, God!

(GROANING)

Do you know what,
can you get me a drink, babes?

-Anything for you.
-Oh, thanks.

Ugh!

So are things, like, really serious
between you and Keith Lemon, then?

(SCOFFING) What do you think?
It's good PR being with him.

I'm gonna marry him,
divorce him, then take half...

Oh, no, sorry. All of his money.
Then just move on to the next one.

-What a bitch!
-I know.

It is so obvious what she's up to.
And he is a moron.

-I think he's hot.
-What?

I kind of wanna do
a special lying down dance with him

and then run my fingers
through his soft, strawberry blond hair.

Right. Um... I am...

-I'm just gonna go and powder my boobs.
-(SIGHING)

-Simon Pegg?
-No, Ronan Keating.

-Oh, from, um, Take That?
-No, you're thinking of Gary Barlow.

No, I was thinking Simon Pegg.

-Do you like me phone?
-Yeah, it's great. Love it.

Thanks.

-Hey, I'm shagging Kelly Brook.
-Fair enough.

Bit rough in t'morning,
but when she puts her make-up on... Fuck!

Strange lad. Come on!

♪ ...gets tough
Go and get rough ♪

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you.

-Thank you, Keith.
-(SPOUTING GIBBERISH)

It's time for Keith Lemon
karaoke toga party!

(ALL CHEERING)

First up is Keith Lemon's old-school
business associate, Kushvinder Rihal!

Thank you. I'm going
to dedicate this song

to my beautiful wife.

Hit it!

(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Hey, fatti bum bum!

♪ Sweet sugar dumpling

♪ Hey, fatti boom boom

♪ Let me tell you... ♪

I thought I'd like to buy you
a right expensive puffer jacket.

-DOUGIE: Keith!
-The puffiest puffer jacket...

-DOUGIE: Keith!
-...you can see in t'shops.

-The puffiest.
-Excuse me. I'll get over.

(WHIMPERING)

Keith! Keith!

What?

Keith, it's me, Douglas. Douglas Orange.

Listen, we need to take you
back home to Leeds.

Evil Steve has kidnapped Rosie.

And only you can save us
by giving us money for t'poles.

Listen, firstly,
I know about eleven Douglaseseses.

And you're not one of them.

Thirdly, I don't know
anyone called Rosie.

There's only one woman in my life
and that's Kelly Brook.

And she loves me
and we fuck like spider monkeys.

-(SCOFFING)
-Keith, it's me, Douglas.

Security! Take this dingbat away.

If you want money, here.

Go buy yourself a new suit,
'cause you look low-quality.

Daft tomato-face! (HISSING)

-(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
-You used to be my friend.

More than that,
you were like my brother!

Well, not as close as that,

more like a cousin
that I saw at family occasions

like Christmas and birthdays
and funerals and stuff.

Once we celebrated St George's Day,
but we didn't know what it meant.

-You don't know what St George's Day is?
-I love St George's Day.

I love St George's Day.
That is my favourite holiday.

That's my favourite holiday, too.

-I love you.
-I love you, too.

I wanna fingerblast you right now.

Are you listening to me, Keith Lemon?

You listen to me.
Will you kindly leave my lavish palace?

(GLASS SMASHES)

-Go on, get out, you wronghead!
-That's harsh, man. Totally un-PC.

You can shut up and all.

There's far worse things
I could've called him.

Like a stupid spas...

-(ALL GASPING)
-What did he say?

I wasn't gonna say
what you thought I was gonna say.

'Cause... I was... I was gonna say...

(SPEAKING MOCK FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Which is foreign for, "You silly idiot."

-Now go on, flip off! Go on, flip off!
-Damn moron.

Go on, get out of it.

(DOUGIE GRUNTING)

You used to be the main man.
Now you're not the main anything.

I, Douglas Orange, am not friends
with Keith Lemon any more.

Good.

-And you know what?
-What?

-I'm not your fixer any more.
-Oh.

I'd rather eat shit
than hang out with you.

Then go eat shit, you shit-eater.
Go get some shit and put it in a pita.

A shita. (CHUCKLING)

-Go on. Get out, you dicksplats.
-Piss off!

-What was that all about?
-I don't know.

But I'll tell you what, Kelly Brook.

I will let you finger my arsehole
as a part of lovemaking.

And I have never let anyone
stick their finger up my arse.

WOMEN: Aw!

I lust you... Love you. Fancy it?

-Come on, then.
-(WHISPERING) Up there.

Come on, we're having a party. Party.

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHING)

(LAUGHING) Douglas.

Who would win in a fight
out of all the Expendables

in that film, um... The Expendables?

Sylvester Stallone, obviously.
He's t'leader.

-But what about Jason Streatham?
-Crank.

-Jet Li?
-Easy Jet.

-Mickey Rourke.
-Mickey... (IMITATES CLUCKING)

What about Arnold Schwarzenegger?

The only governor
is Sylvester Stallone. (ECHOING)

(GROWLING)

-I've been stitched up.
-(BELL DINGING)

ANNOUNCER: Hello, coach travellers.
Here's a bit of news for you.

Tonight's in-coach movie
is a Sylvester Stallone classic.

Wait for it. It's none other than...
Wait for it... Rambo!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

It's the moment you all waiting for.

We got the main funky guy
and the main funky girl!

It's "K" for Kelly-Lemon!

Hey, bro, they're doing karaoke.
You gonna have a go?

Nah, mate, singing's not for me.

MAN: We love you, Keith!

(MOANING HOARSELY)

-(MOUTHING)
-(HUMMING OFF-TUNE)

(SINGING NASALLY) ♪ Especially for you

(MOUTHING WORDS)

♪ I wanna let you know
what I was going through

♪ All the times we were apart I thought of you

♪ You were in my heart

♪ My love never changed

♪ I still feel the same

♪ Especially for you

♪ I wanna tell you... ♪

Fucking killing your song, dude.

Flamin' bastards!

♪ And if dreams were wings... ♪

We interrupt this broadcast
with breaking news from around the world

of a horrid side effect blamed directly
on the use of the Lemon Phone.

(SINGING CONTINUES)

Confirmed reports are now confirming

that the phone causes
a bizarre condition

known to experts as "wonky mouth."

♪ ...because of you...

♪ Together forever, I was... ♪

(IN A DEEP VOICE)
What's happening to my face?

WOMAN: Oh, my God, look at Kelly!

What's happening to my mouth?

Out of the way.
Shift, you. Shift, shift.

I'll tell you what's wrong
with your mouth, love.

It's that cheeky little badger's
fault up there.

Luckily, I still communicate
via fax and pager.

Sometimes pigeon.

But I bought my mother
one of those phones.

Your auntie, Keith.
Your very own flesh and blood.

And look what it's done to her face.

-WOMAN: Eurgh! Mingin'!
-Proper fucked.

And now I'm wracked wi' guilt.

(SIGHING HEAVILY)

I'm sorry, Auntie Fanny.

That's her real name, Fanny.
It's like American for "arse."

Now you might all think
I'm another relative

who's come out of the woodwork
because he's doing well for himself.

But you'd be wrong.

'Cause I'm here to tell you
the dangers of that phone.

The Lemon Phone. The Keith Lemon Phone.

Keep using it, and you'll all end up
with a face like her up there.

-Kelly Brook.
-(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY)

And don't get me wrong, Kelly, love.

I used to wank my eyelashes off
over you.

But not now, Kelly.

Not now you've got a face
like an old, blistered pisspot.

(IN A DEEP VOICE) My career!
My face, my beautiful face!

I'm sorry, Kelly.
No likey, you're wonky.

-I'll never work again.
-KEITH: It looks nice.

Just put a bag on your head,
it'll be all right.

Look at 'em! Look at 'em, Keith.
They're all changing!

-Look at their faces!
-(SCREAMING)

Van Outen! Tiny Strides!

Oh, for fuck's sake!

-Moylesie!
-What?

Holly Willoughbooby, Nostrils!

Odd-looking fucker blowin' trumpet!

-Gino D'Acampoff
-(MUMBLING)

Peter Andre and Jason Doneover.

You're in the shit, Keith, lad.
You're in the shit.

Let the bell meet the end.

I'll see you in the sequel.

(IN A DEEP VOICE) I'll never work again.

Let's get him!

-Wanker!
-Yes!

Hey, when you see that Keith Lemon,

you tell him I'm gonna kick his frickin' ass.

My mouth is Hoff-centre.

Pictures are coming in
of once loyal fans

who are now infuriated
with the northern businessman.

(INDISTINCT YELLING)

(SCREAMING)

Kushvinder, what the eff is going on?

It appears as if they are blaming
your phone for their wonky mouth.

My phone?

-Didn't you PAT test this?
-Of course I did.

Pat tested it and she said
it was bloody brilliant.

-Isn't that right, Pat?
-Oh, yes, it's bloody marvellous.

It's got spirit level,
it's got Sati-nav,

a melodic selection of ringtones!

I mean P-A-T,

which stands for
"portable appliance testing"' you dingbats!

Time to go home.

Thanks for the 8.2%
gross corridor cheque.

How do!

(LOUD SCREAMING)

-He's going for the roof.
-(INDISTINCT YELLING)

Help me! Help me!

Somebody, help me!
Kelly Brook's gonna kill me now!

-She's gonna cut me knackers off!
-(COUGHING)

Archi-bee-gees, they're gonna kill me.

Me dream has turned to shit.
It's a nightmare!

Look, I came up here
for some peace and quiet. So fuck off.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

KELLY: We're gonna rip
your balls off, Keith Lemon!

She sounds pretty angry to me.

Here's Kelly!

-Looks like you haven't got long, man.
-I'm gonna kill you, Keith Lemon.

I've ruined everything.
I had me chance and I blowed it.

There's no other choice
for a self-centred bastard like me.

-I'm gonna kill meself.
-Just do it.

I'm gonna throw meself
off this building,

-which I once owned.
-Bye-bye.

I'm going to smash me skull
to smithereens.

I don't give a shit.

And a fox might come along
and lick me eyeballs clean out!

-Adiós, amigo.
-(PANTING)

I'm sorry, Rosie. I'm sorry, Douglas.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(SPRAYING)

Rosie, despite my devastatingly
handsome looks and me tallywacker,

which is as thick as a Coke can,
why are you with me?

Well, everyone thinks
they know Keith Lemon,

this self-obsessed know-it-all
who really don't know anything.

I do know some things.

But I know the real Keith Lemon.

Kind, thoughtful, lovely man
who makes me smile.

So are you gonna do me white bits, then?

Leave your white bits. I like 'em.

Fair do's.

(GIGGLING)

(BANGING ON DOOR)

-What am I doing?
-Killing yourself, man.

Sylvester Stallone
would never kill himself.

He'd go back and fight the emenies
and save the day.

That's what I've gotta do.
I've got to go back and save the day.

More pacificly, I've gotta save Rosie.

-The love of me life.
-You are a good guy.

-I knew it!
-Thanks.

(THUDDING)

-What's wrong? What's wrong, Archimedes?
-(MOANING)

Are you having a eptileptic fit?

I'm gonna fucking kill you, Keith Lemon!

Is there a doctor on the roof?
I need a doctor!

-Shit! It's Kelly Brook.
-There he is, the ginger twat!

I'm not a ginger twat.
I'm strawberry blond.

Well, you're still a twat!

(GROANING)

Cheese and rice!

(EXCLAIMING)

-(SPITTING)
-(KEITH SCREAMING)

-You've got wings.
-Hell, yeah!

I see it now.

All this time, you've been
like me gardening angel.

Guardian angel.

-Wow!
-Keith, I fixed you to fix me.

You helped me get my wings
by seeing the error of your ways.

And I helped you experience
a life that you thought you wanted.

But sometimes what you want
isn't always what you really need.

I know what I need.

Well, what are we waiting for?
Let's get our groove on, motherfucker.

(SCREAMING)

Put me down, you're gonna kill me!

Stop crying like a little pussy.

I think I've got
a brown onion in me pants.

There she is.
The United States of Leeds.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
That's it. Your time's up.

And it looks like a no-show from Lemon.

He can't like you that much, can he, eh?

Livin' la vida loca down at London,
with Kelly Brook.

-Do you know what I think?
-No.

I think you're jealous of him.

I think you wish you were in London
with Kelly Brook,

not stuck here in this shithole
with your broken-nosed boyfriend.

You haven't even got a widescreen telly.
But do you know what? Keith has.

And his is much bigger than yours.

And I'm not just
talking about his telly.

(MUMBLING) She has a point, you know.

I thought you said
you liked my tiny cock.

(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)

You said it fit inside you
as snug as a bug in a rug.

You know, some...
Dennis, what's going on with your mouth?

I don't know.

Sometimes I just don't know
where I stand with you, Dennis, I don't.

It's a hug and a slap,
and it's a hug and a slap.

You'll get a slap when Keith gets back.

That rhymes.

Lower her into the vat,
you wonky-mouth twat.

There's another rhyme for you there.

That's enough!

-(YELLING)
-Dougie!

(INHALES SHARPLY) That's gotta hurt.

Down there.
Evil Steve's warehouse venue thing.

Ready, man?

I'm ready.

-Good luck.
-Shit!

-Peace, bruv.
-Shit!

-Keith?
-Rosie.

Where have you been?

I don't know where I've been.

I was so far up me arse
chasing me dream,

I couldn't see for shit.

But I want you to know
all the stupid things that I did...

Abandoning you and having sex
through clothes with a famous floozy,

it doesn't actually reflect
on how I feel about you.

Are you gonna get me down now?

You're the second best thing
that's ever happened to me.

Second? What's the first?

-Kelly Brook, obviously. I'm joking.
-Right, get me down so I can hit you.

But I'm not joking when I say...

I say that I love you.

And I love you more than I love myself.

And I love myself a lot.

But I love you even morerer..rer.

What I'm saying is, um...

Will you marry me?

Why would I wanna marry an arrogant,

self-obsessed know-it-all
who actually don't know anything?

(EXHALES)

Because you said that I make you smile.

Well, I'm not smiling now, am I?

What, not even if I do my honk voice?

(HONKING)

My boobs. (HONKING)

-(HONKING)
-(GIGGLES)

You're smiling. Is that a yes?

(SOBBING) Yes.

Yarussky!

-Can you do me a favour?
-Anything.

Get her down, you fucking idiot.

(LAUGHING) Come on, then.

(CHUCKLING)

Heaven, here I come.

-KEITH: Let's go sort this wedding out.
-(DOUGIE GROANING)

Douglas, I'm sorry
for calling you a wronghead.

-That's all right.
-Also,

I'm demoting you as the main man.

-Fair do's.
-You're now the best man.

-Yes! Thank you, Jesus!
-(ROSIE CHUCKLING)

Oh, Keith, I'll get
a speech off internet.

I'll be ever so... Oh!

Ow! Oh, Dougie.

Later on, we'll be talking about
the devastating effects

of the Lemon Phone,
the Keith Lemon Phone.

So if you or anyone else you know
has been affected by its effects,

then we'll be talking about the effects
if it has affected you.

But first, just a few weeks ago,
we met a lady with two vaginas.

Today, as part of our sex week,

we meet a man
with a penis and one vagina.

Weird Paul, thank you
very much indeed for coming in.

KEITH: And as the credits roll,

thus ends me
2D cinematic moralistic journey.

I'd like to tell you that
I turned the Securipoles

into water pumps for the thirsty kids
of the Fourth World.

Or that I found me real dad
and he taught me the genuine meaning

of rasclaats and bumbasquat and ting.

Or even that I
continued to dry-hump Kelly Brook

until I broke her tuppence
into a thousand pieces.

But the simple truth is,

well, I settled down with Rosie
and we had three kids.

Eminem, Britney and One Direction.

Archimedes could well have been
a pigmentation of me imagination.

But you know what?

His scripted dialogue
learned me an important lesson.

The grass may be greener
on the other side,

but I'm happy with me crazy paving.

And in answer to the question
that people always ask me,

yes, that is the size of me real penis.

As thick as a Coke can.

If I don't see you through t'week,
I'll see you through t'window.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, I'll tell you what,
let's have some bloopers

like in Cannonball Run.

I thought that was fucking ace
when they did that in that film.

I'm strawberry blond.
I'm strawberry blond, aren't I?

(CHUCKLING) Leigh, stop fucking laughing.

Sorry.

-Sorry. Yeah, I know.
-This is it now.

MAN: There's something on Paddy's chin
just there, a little bit shiny.

WOMAN: I think it's my lipstick.

-MAN: All right.
-Oh, dear.

Wonder how it got there? (LAUGHING)

That's a little bit awkward.

WOMAN: Really?
MAN: Stand by.

And the cavalier attitude,
I was sound as a sound.

Sound as a sound.

(LAUGHING)

Sound as a pound.

What the fuck
is this piece of shit, bruv?

Well, that were me phone
and it looks like you broke it.

And that were Billy Ocean
and I think it were sang very well.

LEIGH FRANCIS:
♪ And do the things that lovers do

♪ 'Cause when the going gets tough

♪ The tough get going

FRANCIS: ♪ When the going gets rough ♪

(BOTH CONTINUE HUMMING)

(LAUGHING)

Oh, fuck, I can't undo it. (LAUGHING)

How sexy is that?

MAN: Look up! Debris.

That's the second time
you've fucked it in the arse.

What do you want?

VERNE TROYER: Fuck.

-You wanna fuck?
-TROYER: No.

What's the line?

(CHUCKLING)

Rewind selector!

-That was the cue.
-(LAUGHING)

That means press...

That's street talk for
"press the button."

(ALL LAUGHING)

-Simon Pegg?
-No, Ronan Keating.

-Oh, right, yeah, from Take That.
-No, that's Gary Barlow.

No, Simon Pegg.

Though I was thinking, "Gary Barlow."

-You fucked that up.
-No, you did.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(KEITH LAUGHING)

KEITH: Oh, that was funny.
I fucking love bloopers!

Ah, dearie me, me!

♪ I like to see girls walkin' around

♪ When they are out and shoppin' in town

♪ They drive me wild, so I can't help but smile

♪ And, if I'm lucky, one may stop for a while

♪ I'll ask her name, real sweet, polite

♪ And all the good girls always reply

♪ While some of them hold their head up high
and answer...

-GIRL: I don't think so, love!
-♪ And walk on by, I like girls

♪ You like the good, I like the bad ones

♪ Freaky and the mad ones,
sexy and the glad ones

♪ I like girls
♪ Taste of any kind of flavour

♪ Chocolate, vanilla, caramel's what I favour
♪ I like girls

♪ Then I need a very wide selection -
big girls, skinny girls, close-to-perfection girls

♪ When they make me smile and giggle

♪ And that's it plain and simple

♪ I like it when they move their body
and they shake their body

♪ Plain and simple
♪ I like it when they move their body

♪ And they shake their body

♪ Plain and simple
♪ I like it when they move their body

♪ And they shake their body

♪ Plain and simple
♪ I like it when they move their body

♪ And they shake their body

♪ And that's it plain and simple

♪ You know I like 'em, all kinds of girls

♪ I'm gonna try 'em from all over the world

♪ I like them girls that don't give a damn

♪ Like Alicia, Natasha, Angela and Pam

♪ I'll take 'em like one by one

♪ By the end they're dusted, done and done

♪ She'd like to talk,
I just wanna know your name

♪ And you can come and play my game
♪ I like it when they move their body

♪ And they shake their body

♪ Plain and simple
♪ I like it when they move their body

♪ And they shake their body

♪ Plain and simple
♪ I like it when they move their body

♪ And they shake their body

♪ Plain and simple
♪ I like it when they move their body

♪ And they shake their body... ♪