Original subtitles

Michael: Kahlua sombrero, please.

All right. So just you tonight?

Actually, I'm meeting somebody, but I'm a little bit early.

Leaving my company after 19 years.

I'll drink to that.

I'm starting at a company this week.

Oh, really?

To beginnings and endings.

And to middles. The unsung heroes. And to moms.

The moms of the troops.

Mmm.

Do not tell my fiancee I'm drinking on a Wednesday.

(Laughs) I won't.

I don't know her.

Moving out to the 'burbs.

Actually, I'm moving further than the 'burbs. Moving to Colorado.

Colorado? Yeah.

Sunshine state. Yep.

Don't mess with Colorado.

No, don't.

Doing some skiing?

No, no. I don't want to end up like Sonny bobo.

Well, that's just good sense right there, yeah.

Everyone I know who skis is dead.

You know what? I would like to try the luge, though.

Try it once, you're hooked.

That's my guess. That's what I've heard.

I'm an Olympics nut.

Oh, yeah? Me, too. Summer or winter?

Summen summen

knuckle. Actually,

I've got to come around and give you... yeah, come on.

You know, it's funny. I actually tried

to get an animal Olympics going.

Really? What happened?

You know, life happened.

What are you gonna miss most about Scranton?

Mmm-hmm. Oh. Wow. The mountains, where things are.

That's the way it goes.

Man, he is late.

I'm gonna call him. Do you mind? I'm sorry.

No, no.

Where is this guy?

(Phone vibrating) (Clears throat)

Excuse me.

Hello? This is Michael Scott.

Yes, hi. Yes.

You running late?

No, I'm here. I'm at the bar.

I'm at the bar, too.

You are? What bar?

I'm at the bar, the bar that's located in the lobby of the hotel.

I do not see you.

How long have you...

I've been here about, gosh, over half an hour.

Okay, yeah, me, too.

Sorry. Sorry.

What are you wearing?

I'm wearing a gray suit, red tie.

Are we both at the right place?

Which place would...

I hear your voice.

Ihearyoun_ I see your lips moving.

I hear your voice

in the phone. And that's... Man! And... oh, brother.

(Both laughing)

Michael Scott.

Deangelo vickers.

Wow.

That is insane.

"That is insane" is right. That's the right term.

Bartender, let's get some vodka up in this cranberry

and one for my friend.

I have heard that it is impossible to become addicted to vodka.

That is true. That is true. Vodka is non-addictive.

Most of the higher spirits are undetectable.

It's because of the potato.

One, two, three... two, three.

To new friends.

Wow.

Wow. Wow.

This is gonna take hours.

Are her breasts different?

No panties on this one.

Okay, good. Good.

And I think the sail was folded differently.

Oh! No. No, it's good. That's okay. That's okay.

It's all good.

On this one, I think she's like, "get lost,"

but on this one, I think I have a chance.

Okay. No.

Now, I still think the sail is different.

(Exclaims) Come on.

Hey, I think this is broken.

Wanna play again? Definitely!

That right there...

You want to try this. Trust me.

Really? Trust me.

You want to try this.

Mmm-hmm! Are you kidding me?

Because one day, they say that blueberries prevent cancer,

and then the next day, they say that blueberries cause cancer.

That's totally true.

You know what would be a great onion headline? "Cancer prevents cancer."

(Both laughing)

That's so onion. I know!

It's so you, but it's also so onion.

Here we go. Ready?

I am ready.

All right, here we go.

Well, this is it. What do you think?

She'll do. Oh, she'll do just fine.

(Chuckles)

I am very much looking forward to tomorrow. It is...

(Sighs) It feels like the culmination of a lot of hard work,

a lot of good fortune and...

(Smokers)

(Laughs) Hey, come on. Did that... did that just happen?

We should write a movie or something. I'm serious.

Rise and shine. Coffee time.

There you go.

(Sighs)

Do not talk to me until I have had my coffee.

Until I've had my coffee, do not talk to me.

Mmm.

Oh, I feel better.

I feel awesome.

It does not agree with me,

coffee...

And yet, I have to have it.

You know what? Coffee keeps me regular.

Yeah.

Thatsthe best time of the day. That's... that's...

In that regard. Right, right, right.

And it's the best time of the day.

Right, right, right.

I give it about seven minutes.

Yup. Really.

Seven minutes from this.

Beehne.

So at 8:37...

Michael is leaving.

And apparently they already hired a new manager.

And we're meeting him today. It's a lot to process.

Paperwork-wise.

Nope, it's not Ashton kutcher. It's Kevin Malone.

Equally handsome, equally smart.

Good morning. Michael: Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning, to you.

What's this?

Oh, nothing. That is just a screenplay.

The adventure pals by Deangelo vickers and Michael Scott.

Oh, my gosh, it's 150 pages long.

Okay, everyone, as you know,

one of my favorite things is fanfare for its own sake.

So without further ado,

let's all start clapping.

Presenting Deangelo vickers!

Hi. Hello.

Michael: Come on out!

Hello. Hey. How are you, sir?

I'm well, sir, how are you?

Uh, can I just say I am so excited to be working here.

We couldn't be more excited about having you here. Welcome.

Little bit about myself, I love the American southwest, for starters.

You may call them Arizona, new Mexico, Nevada, Utah.

I call them heaven.

I have a peanut allergy, something I live with.

It's a part of me. I've learned to cope with it.

I was a nationally ranked high jumper in high school.

Really? Yeah.

I didn't know that.

Couldn't do it in college for academic reasons,

and that's something that still bugs me.

What else? I'm just as comfortable at a ball game as I am at the opera.

I was a...

Did I want to be made manager? Sure.

A great opportunity squandered? Absolutely.

A crushing blow? Yes.

Will I get over it?

Mmm...

But life goes on. Not for me.

I think with a little hard work,

we can become the greatest office in the world.

And I truly believe that, that's not an understatement. Okay?

Right?

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah? Okay.

That's about it. That's about it?

Yeah. There's so much more.

This guy is being so modest, no.

There's a lot more to him than what he just said.

We can't wait to learn it all, right, guys? Again, welcome.

Fantastic. Thank you so much.

Sir? Yes.

Thank you very much.

So we talked for like 20 minutes,

no clue it's Deangelo the whole time.

It's kind of embarrassing.

No, no.

Yeah, that story makes you sound stupid.

I happen to like the hilarious high jinks that I get myself into.

There he is, there he is.

Deangelo, I was just telling them about last night when we met.

Remember that? (Laughs)

That was crazy. That was crazy.

Let's see, where's my replacement?

Where's the guy I'm replacing? I don't know.

Why don't I look to my left? (Laughs) I know.

He's sitting right there. I know.

Well, that's what I was just saying. That's...

That exact situation is why I always carry around a couple of these.

Just in case, 'cause, you know,

sometimes you need to ID yourself.

(Laughing)

Office funny guy.

Always glad to have an office funny guy around.

Andy: I wasn't even trying to make a joke.

I guess I've always been sort of quirky, offbeat, a little twisted.

This is Jim and Pam, a.K.A. Jap.

What started as an affair has blossomed into a family before our eyes.

Well, it wasn't... it wasn't an affair. Yes, it was.

But, no, but we are a family.

We made that.

Cecelia. Deangelo: Oh!

Congraunafions thank you.

I have four kids of my own.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, my gosh, well, we just have the one, but she poops for four.

Uh-oh.

Someone started off on a good foot with the new boss.

Yeah, they don't ever talk about careers that were made

because of unplanned pregnancies. So...

Meredith has shown me her breasts on three separate occasions.

Really? There's Dwight. Dwight!

Best right-hand man in the business, but you better buy a taser

to keep him from wiping you butt.

Hey, Dwight. You had something to say to Deangelo?

"Welcome, new manager of dunder Mifflin.

"I am Dwight k. Schrute, I am assistant regional manager.

"I will be at your Beck and call, night and day.

"Consider me an extension of your own hand. I serve at your pleasure.

"Congratulations on joining the staff here.

"This truly is a great day."

The end.

Very nice. Thank you.

I brought you some cookies.

Oh, Dwight's home baked cookies. Really, you didn't have to.

These are the best. Lemon bars or the coconut ones?

I got these at the store.

Apparently it's one of the most popular brands in the United States.

Enjoy. Chips ahoy!

Okay.

Maybe he ran out of yeast, I don't know.

Maybe syrup? No, not... Well, maybe syrup. I don't know.

But didn't... oh, sure, sure. You can use syrup.

That apple looks delish.

I do a lot of portion control.

Try to keep my daily caloric intake under 1,200.

Deangelo, you're going to starve to death.

(Deangelo laughs)

So you decided to have an orgy and not invite me?

Come on. I call middle.

(All laugh)

That's cool that you like the southwest.

It's one of my favorite regions.

"It's one of my favorite regions." Did I just sound totally lame?

I sounded good.

I love the desert. It's one of my favorite ecosystems.

Here's the great thing about the southwest,

there is so much more than desert.

Along the north rim of the Grand Canyon

is a forest as lush as you've ever seen.

Burned. It's lush, dummy.

Hey, Deangelo, what do you think about bald people?

I hate them.

Deangelo, I forget, did you mention you liked politics?

I did not.

Because I was thinking, you should meet my boyfriend.

He's a state senator.

I really think the two of you would hit it off. He's a great person to know.

Sounds very interesting, thank you.

Angela: Mmm-hmm.

Psst. Thanks for meeting me.

Are you kidding?

I would come anywhere to see a turtle. Yeah.

Where'd you find him?

There's no turtle, Michael. I just wanted to get you here.

(Groans)

You know me very well, Dwight.

That's because I'm your right-hand man, Michael.

But I can't do it. I can't do it again.

I can't be a right-hand man to a whole new guy.

Now, I'm gonna have to go online and look at turtles

or else I'm gonna be off the whole day.

I want to be manager.

I have been Robin to your Batman for 11 years,

11 glorious years, Michael.

But at a certain point, Robin needs to become Batman.

Batman scares me, Dwight. Let's not talk about Batman.

Yeah, well, you know what? Bats scared Bruce Wayne, too.

That's why he became Batman. Ha!

What are you thinking?

Nothing.

Is there a turtle man?

No, Michael... (Groans)

I just don't understand why I wasn't even interviewed for the job.

I mean, what's wrong?

I'm totally qualified. You were pushing for me.

I didn't know Dwight wanted to be manager.

(Sighs)

Deangelo. You'll get a kick out of this.

Do you know those old school blocks,

the wooden blocks for kids? Mmm-hmm.

Oh, my gosh, yes. Oh, yeah. The block story. This is great.

Right. Okay, go ahead.

So, the blocks with the letters on... with the letters.

Yes, right, okay. Yeah sure, sure, sure.

So we give a set of those to Cece

and we turn around for, like, a second...

A second. A second.

And we turn back, and she has spelled out the word "ass" in the blocks.

So we're laughing, she's grinning...

It was so funny.

Kids are a riot. They really do say the darndest things.

(Phone rings)

Dunder Mifflin. This is Erin. Okay, let me transfer you.

Why do you use your name when you answer the phone?

Oh, that's how Pam does it. I just copy her.

She's sort of a living legend.

(Chuckles)

Try it without using your name.

Dunder Mifflin. This is.

Oh, yeah, I like it.

Dunder Mifflin. How may I assist you?

Oh. "Assist."

I sort of like the old way.

I just prefer it without the name.

Andlthought_ okay. No, no, no.

I've got to start doing some managing at some point, right?

I know, I know. I'm sorry. But if it's not a big deal,

we should just do the old way. And it really isn't.

Okay. That good? Erin: Yeah, okay, good.

Well, I'd like to change it, actually.

Michael: Well, you know, whatever...

Yeah. Whatever you think would work.

What do you... yeah.

I think a change would be nice.

You could do the old way or the, you know... whichever one you want to do.

Mmm-hmm. (Phone ringing)

Deangelo: (Whispering) Change it.

(Phone continues ringing)

I'm so sorry. Sorry.

Deangelo: Come on, you maggot.

Bye-bye, calories.

(Exclaiming with effort)

(Fast music playing on stereo)

Don't stop, now.

No one's stopping me.

(Continues exclaiming)

All right. Hey. Okay.

Wow! Look at you.

Don't hug me.

No! Get away, get away.

I see you've been introduced to our conference room.

Multi-function room, yeah.

So I was thinking that maybe I could show you around a little bit more?

You could shadow me. Still a lot to learn, so...

Yeah, you know, I'm feeling like I'm ready to dive in.

Well, the water's pretty cold. A lot of octopuses out there.

(Chuckung)

Well, I've been taught by the best octopus hunter in the biz.

I haven't taught you everything. There's...

Pretty good teacher. I feel pretty prepared. Mmm...

You know what? No teacher in the world

could teach this job in one day.

I think you just about did.

Well, I don't think I did, so why...

Wanna go? You'll shadow me?

Let me finish getting dressed. All right.

Oh, hey, Dwight. Before I forget,

I would love to know of any great restaurants in town

if you have any thoughts.

I've got a list here that has pretty much every place in town.

Oh, great.

Just make sure you get that back to me.

(Exhales) I'll get that, you guys. Don't...

No, I'll help you. Here.

You know, it's just...

You know...

Hello. Hi. Hi.

Have we met before?

No, not officially. I saw you coming out of the bathroom earlier.

Well, I guess I'm gonna go back to my cave.

Okay. It was really great meeting you.

And that is what they call a meet cute.

Hey, funny guy. I have a little midday lull here.

Make me laugh. Huh? What do you got?

I can't even look at you. (Laughs)

Here we go.

Okay... (Laughs)

What do African Americans cahthe_.

(Both laughing)

What?

Erin: Deangelo? Yeah?

Did you order a barber?

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on back here.

Put a pin on that, okay? I can't wait to hear the punch line.

Finish the joke, Andy.

What do African Americans call?

I don't know. Help me.

That is so bad-ass.

Just so hardcore.

Yeah, very cool.

Real power move. Yeah.

I saw a hawk today.

It was just sitting right there

on the overpass, looking at me.

Shave me.

Well, this is going to be funny.

Because it looks like we're gonna be shaving buddies.

Okay, all right. I love it. I love it. (Laughs)

Michael, this is Reggie. Hello.

He is the number one

yelp-reviewed shaver in Scranton. It's not even close.

And this is Erin, and she's going to shave my face.

Here we go.

All right.

This is how we do it.

Michael: Mmm.

Feels nice, doesn't it?

It really does.

This is luxury. Here we go.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, that is nice.

You wanted to talk to us, Deangelo?

Oh, yes, yes, please. Cozy up there.

I just thought we could have some rap sessions with smaller groups.

You know, we don't really do rap sessions, we kind of do... god!

We sort of do more of like powwows and what-ups.

Okay, well, powwows, then. Fine.

Thats_.

Hey, Deangelo, my mom just sent me this picture of Cece.

It is so adorable.

All right, wait, but a little bit of back story.

She loves dogs, she calls them dadas...

Dadas.

And what happens is... You know what?

Enough about your baby, okay?

I'm sorry.

Well, we were just... I think she was just trying to...

No, no, no, I know what you're doing. Just quit it.

I want to hear from the rank and file.

How can I be the best manager for you all?

You know, what can I do better?

Okay, you know what, everybody?

There's... you have to be honest here.

You can't say that everything is perfect, right?

So, you know, come up with something.

Oscar: Well, Deangelo, I'd say communication could be improved.

People stopped reading memos.

So everyone marks them urgent.

Okay, you know what? I Mark it urgent ","a

urgent "b," urgent "c," urgent "d."

Urgent "a" is the most important,

urgent "d" you don't even really have to worry about.

Okay, Michael, can you stop talking now? I have to do your lips.

Don't shave my lips.

Deangelo: How about you, Dwight?

Uh, yeah, I'm just right by your side, so... yeah.

Personally, Deangelo, I just want to sit and see how you do things.

I'm really excited.

There must be something you'd like to see, specifically, improved.

I do think that there is a web of racism and/orjealousy

that is trying to keep me down.

Okay. Well, this has been very helpful.

This is a great start. Props to you.

(Groans) (Exclaims)

Deangelo's great. I love the guy.

But I'm not sure he's a good fit for the office.

And also, I'm not sure if I love the guy.

Did we just totally blow it?

I don't know. I mean, I get that talking about your kid can be annoying.

You know, everybody thinks their kid is the cutest in the world.

Cece really is. Right?

Yeah.

We just got to get her in here.

What's up?

I don't mean to go off on a rant here, but...

I wrote the perfect joke. Topical, edgy, funny.

I saw this thing in the news. Democrats want electric cars.

Republicans don't. Right.

I'm thinking, how crazy is it

that we got a car debate going on in a city known for gridlock.

Um... let's not talk politics in the office, okay?

I like you better as the funny guy.

I wasn't taking a position. It was just sort of one of those things.

(Laughs)

Now that's funny. That's funny.

You walk much?

Yeah, right? I mean...

(Groans)

Mmm-hmm. A little click.

Deangelo, this box came for you.

Great, thank you.

That's my stuff. Yeah. (Exclaims)

Michael, take a look at this.

Need a hand? Oh, that'd be great. Thank you.

Hey, you know what? This office sort of

has a perfect fung shooey to it, and...

You know, let's not go overboard with the redecorating.

And I'm still here, so... wow.

Right? Ooh.

That's nice.

I still have to look at this stuff, guys, so...

Oh, man. So this is a 10-gallon hat?

Yeah, you like that? 10-gallon hat.

Technically, it only holds about 3 quarts.

A little factoid. Interesting.

No! No, I've always loved the southwest.

I got a lot of this stuff at home.

You know, turquoise and rocks.

I need this job, man.

I love this. I love change.

Change is good, and you know what?

I think right now, I'm going to change this supermodel

back into Kevin Malone.

Oh! There he is.

Erin: (Softly) Oh, my god!

(Coughs)

All right, this was just... It was just awful.

Thank you, Michael. You're welcome. That's better.

Cool, cool.

All right, see you later, girl.

Hey, hey, hey.

No, I'm good. Keep that.

Hey, funny man. What you got for me? Make me laugh.

(Grunts)

(Laughs)

Let's see if my favorite tea is in...

Whoa! Jeez.

(Screams)

(Groaning)

(Yelling)

(Laughing)

(Breathing heavily)

(Screams)

That's hot coffee.

Drink some soap.

(Panting)

Eat some hand soap.

(Laughs)

I guess this is my life now.

Michael: Can you believe that?

They're all treating him like he's some sort of god.

You know, they used to say that I was the world's best boss.

Now you're a lame duck.

Yeah, well, you're a retarded owl.

And Deangelo is a fat cow.

He has the same body type that you have. You're like body twins.

I guess I mean just from how he used to be.

What do you mean?

I have just come into the possession of a photograph

that is very embarrassing, and just may change the way

you perceive a certain person in this office.

Pam: What is it?

It's a picture of a super fat guy.

Michael: Yes. (Snickers)

Dwight: (Laughing) I'll say.

It's Deangelo.

Yes, it is.

This is a photograph taken of Deangelo vickers.

I just... I can't get that picture out of my head.

Dwight: This curly-haired idiot used to be so fat.

It really is a shame that a person's weight, or their former weight,

makes us think less of them.

(Exclaims indifferently)

How do you let yourself go like that?

Michael: I don't know.

I know, Michael. Right? Justjog in place 10 seconds a day.

That's all it takes.

I know. That's...

I didn't have 10 seconds a day.

I was too busy eating.

That's okay. Pass it around.

Let everyone take a look. Creed, have you looked at it yet?

Yes, but I'll gladly look again.

I used to weigh 425 pounds.

I was unhappy and unhealthy.

Used to go to tapas restaurants

and gorge myself on Spanish charcuterie.

I mean, let's be honest.

Tapas is a cuisine for groups. Not with me.

Tapas party of one.

Looks like you went over the tapas with food.

One day, I had a long layover in Phoenix.

I thought I'd do some sightseeing and my car broke down in sedona.

I found myselfjust wandering, delirious with hunger.

And I swear to god, I felt an energy.

I felt stronger than I'd ever felt before, like I could do anything.

Keep in mind, I was naked.

But in that moment, I felt like I could change,

and I made a promise that I would lose 202 pounds within a year.

I just... I can't get that image out of my head, of what you used to...

Michael, stop, please. Look like. It just...

My friends, my new family,

I stand here today... Guess how much weight I lost.

Two hundred and two pounds?

203. I beat it by one. I beat it by one.

Beat it by one.

And that is why I so firmly believe

that this extraordinary group of people that I'm looking at

has a chance, has an opportunity,

to become the greatest office in the world.

Because we can change anything we want. I'm living proof.

You know what? He's right.

If he can lose all that weight, then I can wear fake hair.

Thank for sharing, Deangelo. Amazing.

Thank you.

And thank me for bringing it up.

How do I become a manager at sabre?

Well, first things first,

thank you for coming to me directly, you know.

I know you could have called Tallahassee,

but they would have just looped back to me.

So it's cool you recognized my role here.

I left a message at corporate.

There you go.

Get a recommendation from Michael.

That'll put you right on the short list

for next time there's an opening.

Can't you just use the recommendation you already have on file?

What recommendation?

From when he recommended me to replace him.

(Chuckles)

I'm sorry. I never know how to act

in these awkward type situations.

Best whale watching? Easily the west coast.

If you're gonna go whale watching on the east coast,

you might want to bring a magazine called west coast whales.

(All laughing) Because you're not gonna see any.

(Clears throat) Snack time! It's the witching hour. It is the sandwiching hour.

Awesome.

Phyllis: Hmm. What you got?

Pb and j. My mom's recipe.

Michael, Deangelo has a peanut allergy.

Okay, I need a wide berth. I need a wide berth from those nuts.

Michael, what are you doing? Have you lost your mind?

I think Kevin wants one. Kevin, here you go.

(Exclaims)

Oscar: Michael, this is serious.

Do you know what happens if Deangelo touches a peanut?

(Chuckles) What?

Michael, the last time I was exposed to a peanut,

I was itchy for three days, okay?

I had to take baths constantly. I missed the oj. Verdict.

Had to read about it in the paper like an idiot.

Wait, so you don't go into, like, shock or die or anything?

No, Jim. Not everything's life and death. I want to feel comfortable.

Oscar, here you go. (Smacking lips)

Oh! Whoa!

You're getting nut particles all in the air.

No one had a problem with the air here until you came around.

Everyone, mandatory meeting. Multi-purpose room, now.

No, that's good. You just stay in there.

Except for Michael. Stay in there by yourself, loser.

Nobody go in. Nobody go in there. What?

Why? Just stay where you are.

Michael, this is insane.

No, it's not insane, Oscar.

I've been here for 19 years,

and just because someone else is called the boss,

you're gonna throw it all away? No, no.

Listen, you're the one who decided to leave.

Come on, he's our new boss. You know we have to do this.

Okay.

Well, who needs them?

Looks like it's just you and me, Dwight.

Correction. (Clears throat) Just you.

All right. Meeting, multi-function room.

Deangelo: Apology accepted.

Hold on.

Hey, Michael. Michael, wait up, hold up. Hold up.

So, for these meetings,

do you justjump into business

or do you start with some chitchat or...

I start with some chitchat and maybe a couple ofjokes.

And you might want to develop a couple of characters.

You know what? You just... you'll be fine.

Maybe, maybe not. 50-50.

You know, it is too bad for this place that you're leaving.

Bring it in. Come on.

Bring it.

Okay. Okay.

(Exhaling deeply)

(Sighs)

Why did you have to be so damn good?

I... I'm adequate.

I'm half as good as you.

No, no, no. Comeon

you are good. They know it. Come on.

I just didn't expect you to get there so fast.

Deangelo: Would you do me a favor and enjoy this time, okay? You've worked so hard.

Get your senioritis on. It's lake havasu time.

I guess I've been working so hard

I forgot what it's like to be hardly working.

(Chuckung)

Okay.

What is the native American girl's name?

You'll figure it out.

Deangelo: Thank you, Dwight.

Dwight: Thank you, sir.

Deangelo: Listen up...

Hey, Deangelo. Want to meet Cece?

That's a cute baby. (Both laugh)

Very cute baby. Adorable. Very cute.

Thank you very much.

I'm sorry, I should get back to work, but...

Yeah, absolutely. Okay. Absolutely, yeah.

Thank you so much. Say, "bye-bye."

Say, "bye." Bye!

See? We knew it.

If he just met her, he'd understand.

We're back in.

Ha.

Right?

I'm telling you, that baby could be the star of a show

called babies I don't care about.