Original subtitles

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ When you left me all alone at the record hop

♪ Told me you were going out for a soda pop

♪ You were gone for quite a while, half an hour or more

♪ You came back, and, man oh man, this is what I saw

♪ Lipstick on your collar told a tale on you

♪ Lipstick on your collar said you were untrue

♪ Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through

♪ Cos lipstick on your collar told a tale on you

♪ Boy! Told a tale on you

♪ Man! Told a tale on you... ♪

(NEWSREEL) "On the platform at Southampton are some music lovers...

.. who thought they'd make sure he knew which train to catch."

"The train is labelled 'Liberace Special', so there's not much chance of a mistake."

"At Waterloo, Britain proves she is a musical nation,

.. appreciative of culture in the widest sense."

"Liberace welcomes criticism,

.. though after one harsh comment he said, 'I was so upset I cried, all the way to the bank.'"

"Liberace says, 'The public has a right to invade my privacy.'"

"He learns that Britain is a country that loves to exercise its rights."

'Her Majesty's Government is ever mindful of the fact...

.. that this vital waterway is a main artery of world trade,

.. and a fundamental interest in the defence and the business of this nation.'

'Unilateral action by President Nasser puts in jeopardy not only the efficient use...

.. of an international waterway,

.. but also the proper conduct of international relationships as we understand them.'

(ALL) Hear, hear!

It is time for the President of Egypt to pause for thought.

There are things he just cannot do.

'Hear, hear!'

'And so I say to Colonel Nasser, take heed.'

'You may imagine that you can do what you will, but...

♪ Well, it's one for the money

♪ Two for the show

♪ Three to get ready, now go, cat, go

♪ But don't you step on my blue suede shoes

♪ You can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes

♪ You can knock me down, step in my face

♪ Slander my name all over the place

♪ Do anything that you want to do

♪ But ah, ah, honey lay off of my shoes

♪ Don't you step on my blue suede shoes

♪ You can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes

Let's go, cat!

♪ You can burn my house, steal my car

♪ Drink my liquor from my old fruit jar

♪ Do anything that you want to do

♪ But ah, ah, honey lay off of them shoes

♪ Don't you step on my blue suede shoes

♪ You can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes

♪ Blue, blue, blue suede shoes

♪ Blue, blue, blue suede shoes

♪ Blue, blue, blue suede shoes

♪ Blue, blue, blue suede shoes

♪ You can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes ♪

Making sure this time?

What?

Oh, yes, well...

Look at this. I got this for a bob.

What is it?

"The Bronze Horseman."

What do you mean? Don't you know?

Who's it by? What?

If it's not by Mickey Spillane, I'm not interested.

Pushkin!

Oh, yeah?

One of his greatest poems.

Clap your eyes on this bit of verse.

What do you mean?

We'll never get out of the shaggin' Army.

Who cares about a bloody stretch of water full of flies and Arab shit?

Oh, that!

I'm nearly done. I'm just a few weeks away from getting out.

But nothing will happen.

Do you want a bet?

Like what?

Like...

.. stupid fat mums waving tear-sodden hankies from the dockside.

As you, me and Vera soddin' Lynn sail off towards Wogland.

Don't be daft, man.

They'll call me back as soon as I get out, the bastards.

Just when I get used to a good lie-in and not shaving and...

Bloody Russians'll join in!

He's their bloody ally!

Third World War, that's what!

Oh, Christ!

A future for arseholes.

A world made for Corporal Berry.

He hit her again last night.

What?

Berry. I heard him. He give her one hell of a crack.

What do you do, Frank?

Got your ear on the ceiling?

I creep out, and I listen at the bottom of the... stairs.

You sly little Welshman!

It's not like that!

Not like it sounds.

Creep up the stairs, do you?

No, I do not!

Peek through the keyhole?

You've got the wrong end of the stick.

I don't know what to do about it.

What can you do?

Rescue her.

You dirty sod!

But what sort of a woman would live with a prick like the Corporal?

We don't know all the facts.

The circumstances.

He hasn't kidnapped her.

There's all sorts of ways a man can gain control of a woman.

You and I both know that.

Well, yes, that's true.

I mean, Svengali and Trilby. Mr Barrett and Elizabeth Browning.

The world of literature is full of it. Look at poor Ophelia...

But have you ever talked to her?

No.

Well, why don't you?

My tongue would stick to the roof of my mouth.

Come on!

You haven't seen her. She's the most beautiful creature that ever...

What's this, then?

What's what, Corp?

You two pansies. Look as though you're up to something.

What would that be, Corp?

Corporal.

Sorry, Corp.

I mean, sorry, Corporal.

You're a cheeky shagger, Hopper.

You mind I don't put my prick in your ear.

Shag some respect into you.

I hate this shaggin' job.

And I hate these shaggin' papers.

And the shaggin' company I got to shaggin' keep.

What did you shaggin' say, soldier?

Nothing, Corporal. No?

You better shaggin' well not.

What you doing?

Reading, Corporal.

I can shaggin' see that. I asked you what!

Some p... p... p...

Poetry.

Did I ask you?

Did I? No, Corporal.

Then shut your shaggin' mouth!

Oh, Christ!

Here we go again.

Listening to those twats.

I wish I was dead.

I should never have signed on.

If I'd known it'd put me in a shithouse like this, I...

Oh, God!

Oh, Christ!

What's the matter?

Poetry?

You're reading poetry?

That right?

Yes.

(SOBBING)

Then you want your shaggin' head seeing to, my son.

That's very generous, Wallace.

You do it too often.

Don't go on. I'll spend my spondules as I see fit.

It's not affection. There's no love lost.

I suppose we'd better...

Oh, bumholes!

Oh, yes, I know, it's...

I pray for this cup to pass.

I can't sleep any more. I see their tanks, their infantry.

Let's have a bloody good brandy — on me.

Are you having a breakdown?

A minute here and there...

Harry, what is going on?

We deserve a stiff one.

We always do — deserve a Remy, I mean.

Four brandies. Thank you.

She should be in an old folk's home.

They all do.

What's to say they aren't already?

Come on, old thing, you're brooding.

Yes, I suppose I am.

I dread what's going to happen.

Or what's not going to happen.

Harry?

Something has happened to us.

As a people, I mean.

I never thought I'd see the day.

Or rather, the night.

The long, long night.

The darkness and the shame!

Dear God. Dear God almighty!

If we don't go in, if we don't fulfil our...

Now, look here!

Dear God!

I don't know whether I...

Now, look here.

I'm going to say something that I've never been able to.

Look here, my father was a...

The male parent, yes?

He was...

He...

He kept a shop. You know? A corner shop.

No, no, no, no!

He was a decent enough sort of chap.

It's not something that I've ever...

I tell you this!

That poor little old man.

He would have... He would have...

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Hit them! Go in! Hit them hard! Hard! Fucking hard!

CAR DOOR SLAMS

What's up?

I wonder what's up.

I shouldn't complain.

No, you're right there.

PHONE

Which one is that?

It's the red one.

Christ! The scrambler!

You'd better answer it.

I'm not supposed to answer a scrambled phone.

Somebody's better.

Francis.

Corporal?

Answer the phone.

But.. But I...!

Answer the shaggin' phone!

Answer the shaggin' phone!

He... Hello?

No... No, he's out.

Ah. One moment.

Where are they, man?

We don't know.

Having a Jimmy Riddle.

He's having a Jimmy Riddle, sir. With the other officers.

Jesus!

(LAUGHS)

No... Well...

No, he's not here either.

Francis, sir. Private, sir.

I...

Sir!

Yes, sir, one m-m-m...

P-p-pencil! Quick! Quick!

Yes, sir. One m-m-m...

Yes, sir.

Could you repeat that, please?

Yes.

Four o'clock, sir.

Yes, sir. >

Yes, sir. >

Sorry, sir. Thank you, sir.

A fat lot of help!

Thank you very much!

Don't you shaggin' well know what a Jimmy Riddle is?

What?

A piss. A piddle. A Jimmy Riddle.

God.

I thought... I thought it was some sort...

I don't know what I thought.

He sounded so... so...

Who was it?

It was the Foreign Office.

The Foreign Office? The Foreign Office?

The Foreign Office.

Christ!

My head went blank.

It was for Major Hedges.

The red braces. >

Something's going on. I'll bet you any money it's...

Oh, shit!

I can feel it. They won't let me go. What was the message?

Am I supposed to tell you?

I'm only a Russian spy!

Stormy petrel.

Code! I-i-it's in code!

It's a bird, innit?

One that flies ahead of the storm.

See! I told you!

Told us what?

Not much of a code, is it?

If I was some stupid Russian peasant, I'd work it out.

It's a warning — flying before the storm.

The battle! That's pretty obvious.

Battle? What battle?

Bollocks, Hopper!

What do you know about it?

There's a lot more going on in here than you'll ever know!

♪ CINEMA ORGAN ♪

'We all need an extra few bob. There's no shame in that.'

Oh, please!

Sylvia.

What do you want?

Sylvia, please!

I said, what do you want?

To talk.

What about?

Sylvia, please!

Just bleedin' leave me alone!

I'm already late because of you! Parked outside all day.

I'll drive you there.

No, you bloody won't!

Don't be silly. Get in, please.

Come on. Come on.

There's a good girl.

Christ!

I'm late. I shall lose my job.

I'm not interested in you.

I know you're not.

How could you be?

You know what you are, don't you?

Yes, I do.

Look, I rubbed you for a pound.

That's because I was... >

Short of a few bob. Yes.

I wish I hadn't done it.

It made me feel all sticky and...

It made me feel sick.

Yes, it would. Yes.

So, what did you want? What are you doing?

If I tell my Pete, he'll break your dirty little neck.

Please don't!

And if I tell your wife,

the poor bitch...!

Please! Please!

It made me feel sick.

This has only happened once before.

That was a year ago and more.

I'll tell you. There's trouble.

There's something fishy going on.

The last time, they came back drunk.

Yeah? Yeah?

Pissed as newts.

Get away!

Practically arm in arm, they were.

It was disgusting.

No, no, no.

If we go in on our own - I don't say we shouldn't.

I should hope not. If. You know the conditional tense?

Don't talk about grammar!

Then what if the Soviets move?

They already have. We see it on our charts every day.

If they give us an ultimatum.

We should get a bucket and spade and dig a bloody big hole in the ground.

Like the local cemetery?

Or we call their bluff.

If! If!

You've heard of the - what was it? The conditional tense, Archie?

But what have we got the bomb for?

What do you mean, on our own? Whoever said that?

The French couldn't punch a hole in a paper bag.

I don't mean the Frogs. I'd sooner go to war with my maiden aunt.

This is very moreish, I must say.

The Americans, of course.

Truck doesn't drink, but it would be nice if he were here.

Haven't you notice? The shop has been left unattended.

What are you getting at?

Colonel Trekker is not much in the office lately.

So? That's right. He isn't.

That's because his niece is over from Texas.

With boots and a big hat!

This is balderdash. You know it is.

Perhaps it is, perhaps it isn't.

We've never let them down. Why should they let us down?

I think I'll still look for a place to dig.

Why are you smiling like that?

Like what?

ORGAN MUSIC

'Harry, what do you think?'

'I'm saying the Yanks...'

Harry.

Don't hear them so much any more.

And that was something I rather enjoyed.

Good heavens above! Harry?

The time! Don't hear what?

We must get back. There's flap enough going on.

Sorry? What was that, Wallace?

Don't hear what so much? Where have you been, old thing?

The Wurlitzers and whatnot.

Like the one that used to be at the...

Everything...

Everything seems to be changing, don't you think?

On the move.

That's what we'd better be.

Come on, chaps. Skates on.

CLOCK CHIMES

WHISPERS: Psst! Frank!

Hey, Frank! Wakey, wakey!

What?

The message!

The phone message!

Auditioning, Francis?

Sir?

For a part in a melodrama?

What the hell's the matter?

Sir, there, there was...

Sir, when you were out, there was a message.

On the telephone, sir.

I answered the instrument.

The what?

The red one, sir.

The scrambler?

A communication for Major Hedges.

You may be Welsh, but can't you speak in plain, decent English?

You mean to say that two hours ago there was a call on the scrambler?

Sir.

Did you write it down?

I did indeed, sir. Don't you indeed me!

Sorry, sir? Well?

I got it, sir. Here it is.

I should bloody well hope so.

Give it to whom it is meant.

Yes, sir.

You bloody halfwit!

Sorry, sir.

Excuse me, sir.

Beg pardon, sir.

I'm sorry, sir. There is a message for you which I...

WHISPERS: Major Hedges!

CHRIST ALMIGHTY!

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry, sir. No, no, I was not asleep.

Of course not. Why do you think I sent my man over?

He couldn't wake a sleeping kitten.

I felt something on my arm - you know, when you're lost in thought.

A sort of tentacle.

Lost in thought? That's a new one. You were fast asleep.

No, Archie, lost in thought, old bean.

You should be in the commandos, the way you creep up on a fellow.

Well done!

Sorry, sir. Thank you, sir.

What do you want? My wallet?

There is a message for you, sir.

The Foreign Office.

When did this come? When you were asleep.

When you were out at dinner, sir.

Last night?

Lunch. I meant lunch, sir.

Luncheon.

Lunch? I'm sorry, sir.

So long as it's not urgent, eh? Like invading some little country.

Like Sweden.

I wrote it down, sir.

Good for you!

And then it... slipped my mind, sir.

Well, what does it say?

Pardon, sir?

The message. Who is it from? This chappie or chappess at the FO?

Well-known den of vice, Francis.

Say who it was, did he or she?

It was a Mr Philby, sir.

Jolly good. Keep going.

He said "stormy petrel," sir.

Time? Did he give a time?

Four o'clock, sir.

You little shit!

You pile of poodle-poop!

You half-witted lump of Caerphilly cheese!

LOOK AT THE TIME!

Twenty-five past...

Get out of my sight!

Yes, sir!

Telegraph? Sports Desk, please.

Bertie Cooper, please.

Bertie! Wallace here.

Hedges.

Have you got the result on the four o'clock - Newbury?

Yes. Yes.

Go on.

All go?

And the price?

Twenty to one!

By God, yes! Lucky for someone!

No, not me.

Thanks very much, Bertie.

Toodle-oo, old pip.

It only goes to show, one must be philosophical about these things.

Wallace?

Yes? Come on!

Come on what?

Oh, the gee-gees.

I really think we should get on. Time and tide...

It was won by a filly - Ramona.

What about Stormy whatsit?

Nowhere!

That's the last time I trust Philby.

Supposed to be in the bloody know!

Straight from the horse's arse, eh?

THUNDER AND RAIN

WHISPERS: Hey! Frank!

BUDDY HOLLY: "RAINING IN MY HEART"

♪ The sun is out, the sky is blue

♪ There's not a cloud to spoil the view

♪ But it's raining

♪ Raining in my heart

♪ The weatherman says clear today

♪ He doesn't know you've gone away

♪ And it's raining

♪ Raining in my heart

♪ Oh, misery, misery

♪ What's going to become of me?

♪ I tell my blues they mustn't show

♪ But soon these tears are bound to flow

♪ Cos it's raining

♪ Raining in my heart

♪ But it's raining

♪ Raining in my heart

♪ And it's raining

♪ Raining in my heart

♪ Oh, misery, misery

♪ What's going to become of me?

♪ I tell my blues they mustn't show... ♪

Shag it!

Shag it all!

Oh, bugger!

What you doing?

Hello, Corporal.

You following me? Course not!

Don't want to walk with me?

Don't be silly.

What's up with you, then?

Nothing.

It's just... We're a different rank.

We're what?

I don't want to be presumptuous.

I don't stand on ceremony after working hours, Frank.

Right you are, Corporal.

Pete. It's Pete.

After working hours, all right?

Right.

What's the matter? Sorry?

You got an earwig up your arse? Got something against me?

I just don't like my head being pushed down the pan.

That was nothing to cry about!

Clean shit never hurt no-one!

I'll tell you what, Frank, old lad, I'll buy you a drink. Oh, I...

Are you turning me down?

No, it's just...

Right, then, fellow me lad.

I'm not going to eat you.

Am I?

(BELCHES)

Next one's on you.

Oh, but...

But what?

I didn't really want to... I certainly don't want two.

But I do. Yes, but...

You don't duck out your round.

The thing is...

I don't know what you get up to in darkest shaggin' Wales.

A lot of singing, I know.

But up here a bloke is expected to pay his way.

I'm a bit short.

Oh, are you?

Till payday.

Who shaggin' isn't?

You can have this.

But that's brown and mild. It's not my drink.

That's all you'll get.

Right. Just have to do, then.

I got to get going, anyway.

They don't like me late for my tea.

Who don't? The nutters?

The what? Those two downstairs.

Off their heads.

That's my aunt and uncle.

It must run in the family, then.

I'll, er... Thanks for the drink, Corp. See you.

You're shaggin' lucky to have grub waiting for you.

Haven't you?

Missus don't get in till half ten Tuesdays and Thursdays.

And the bloody weekends are shagged to buggery.

That's the cinema business for you.

The what?

She's an usherette.

Still, she gets to see some good films.

Where?

What?

Where is she...? Which cinema?

The Odeon in the Broadway. You...

What's it to you?

Nothing. Just...

Just... what?

Just making conversation.

♪ ORGAN MUSIC ♪

No use worrying about it, old chap.

No use at all.

'And then there are others.'

Like you, for instance. One in a million.

Who are given an interesting life.

A life that is radiant and full of significance.

You are fortunate.

fame and happiness, and this radiant and interesting life.

which I never eat.

But what is beautiful about it?

I must go and write presently.

Forgive me. I haven't much time to spare.

corn, and here I am getting excited and a little angry.

Let's talk about my radiant and beautiful life.

Well, where shall we begin?

SNORING

Aunt Vickie, I think I'll...

Shh!

Sorry.

Then he says he don't sleep nights.

I'll make the cocoa in a minute.

I think I'll get some air.

At this time of night?

A little stroll. I feel a bit...

UNCLE FRED GRUNTS

PROLONGED SNORING

Don't trip over nothing when you come back in.

Trip over?

No. All right, Aunt Vickie.

and can't do anything else.

What is there radiant or beautiful in that?

It's a fatuous life!

(SNORES LOUDLY)

Uncle Truck!

Shh!

Where am I? Oh, Lisa, I'm sorry.

Shh! Please!

the fact that a cloud looking like

a grand piano floated by.

in the air. I make a mental note.

"Sickly scent - a flower, the colour of a widow's dress."

"Mention when describing a summer evening."

I utter, and every word you utter,

.. lock them in my literary pantry in case they might be useful.

It's like that always, and I can't get any rest from myself.

'I feel as though I'm devouring my own life. Am I out of my mind?'

I know you have no reason...

I know you have no reason to trust me, but...

Good evening.

I know you have no reason to...

Good evening.

I love you.

Please!

Excuse me.

Pardon?

Did you...? Is this yours?

Mine?

I think you d-d-dropped it.

Did I?

Didn't you?

It's a nice pen.

Yeah? What's the matter?

I know you have no reason to...

Good evening.

I know you have no reason to..t..t...

You're downstairs, ain't you?

Yes, I...

What's your name, then?

Francis.

My friends call me Frank.

Frank. That's a nice name.

Did you ever have any sheep?

Pardon?

I was thinking... It don't matter.

I'm a National Serviceman.

I work in the same place as your... Corporal Berry.

And I don't like the way he treats you.

Hey, steady on!

And... I love you!

Look...

But I do! I do!

Christ almighty!

I beg your pardon.

Look...

I'm sorry.

Look...

Yes?

You can't come to the front door with me.

No, I can't.

Hold on.

They do dance lessons at the Hammersmith Palais on Sundays.

I'm no good at that.

Two left feet, see.

That's why they do lessons!

Anyway...

Yes?

That's where I'll be.

Oh! Thank you! Yes!

Good night, then.

Good night.

♪ FLOYD ROBINSON: "MAKIN' LOVE" ♪

♪ What would people say?

♪ What would people do?

♪ What people think if people knew I was with you?

♪ Makin' lo-o-o-ve, makin' love

♪ Makin' lo-o-o-ve, makin' love

♪ What would people think?

♪ What if people knew?

♪ Instead of being off to school all day I was with you

♪ Makin' lo-o-o-ve, makin' love... ♪

(Hey, Frank!)

(Psst! Frank! Wakey, wakey!)

(What?)

(What have you got to grin about?)

(Nothing!)

(Did you talk to her?)

(What?)

(Berry's wife?)

(Yeah! Last night!)

(You dirty sod!)

Hopper. >

Stop whispering behind your hand like a tart in a pub doorway.

Sir.

Corporal!

↑ Sir!

Time for the barely bloody drinkable.

Sir! Francis.

Wake yourself up!

You dozy little man!

Coffee.

Ah, Truck! We were...

Hi, folks. Only us chickens.

Thought I'd show my niece where I hang my hat.

Gentlemen, this is Lisa.