Original subtitles

-We now go live to the White House,

where press secretary Karoline Leavitt is

four or five seconds from wildin'.

[ Tools hammering ]

-Thank you. Thank you, members of the press.

Could we hold the work on the ballroom, please?

I'm delighted to be here today.

As some of you know, I'm about to go on maternity leave.

That's when you tell President Trump about your maternity

and he says leave.

But before I go, I'd like to introduce a man

who just finished absolutely owning the Dems

in his congressional testimony.

The man, the myth, the liability.

Pete Hegseth.

[ Rock music playing ]

♪♪

-Alright, cut the track! Cut it!

[ Music stops ]

And yeah, this is a scotch.

I said I'd have just one.

Here you go.

For the baby. -Okay.

-Alright, now listen up, dingbats. Okay?

As you might have seen on our sick-ass TikTok,

we've been bombing stuff, doing sick air raids.

This war has been a movie.

Specifically "The NeverEnding Story."

We've hit Iran with everything

we've got -- missiles, bombs, drones, and twins!

But now we're in a cease-fire, wink.

Which is why I have time to come talk

to you butt-munches.

So, alright, dumb questions, go.

-Uh, yeah. When you recited that Bible verse from "Pulp Fiction"

about vengeance and furious anger,

um, did you know it was fake and it wasn't really in the Bible?

-Yeah!

But also, I do believe that someday it will be.

In Bible 2: Electric Bible-aloo.

Now, I'm not going to apologize

because I wear my religion on my sleeve literally.

I have a tattoo on my forearm of Jesus choking out Jimmy Kimmel.

Next.

-Yeah. Is it true that you've already spent 25 billion

in taxpayer dollars?

-Is it true you suck?

-I'm just trying to get an estimate

of what you think the total cost of this war will be.

-Huh. I don't know.

I guess I could put it in terms like a theater kid

like you would understand.

♪ 525,000, 600 billion ♪

Ruff, ruff. You just got dog-walked.

Next.

-What about reports that U.S.

military facilities have been badly damaged?

Exactly how many bases have been hit?

-More bases than you've ever hit, virgin.

And you want to see a base that's been badly damaged?

Check out your mom after she's done riding Pete's dragon.

In summary, war is awesome. Okay?

Everyone's always asking me when's this war gonna be over?

That's like asking, when is sex gonna be over.

Answer -- When the man is done.

Yeah, you.

-But President Trump himself just declared

that the war is over.

-Okay. Yeah. When he says it, it's cool.

And to quote another thing, he says, you're fired.

-I don't work for you. -You know what? You're right.

You're actually not working for me.

Too brunette, not enough filler.

And what are those, B cups? [ Scoffs ]

-One is. Yeah.

-Now, look, I'd love to stay here

and keep dunking on your weak asses,

but someone else wants to come say hello

before he's almost certainly fired.

Director of the FBI, Mr. Kash Patel.

[ Rock music plays ]

♪♪

-What up? What up?

It's K-dot, a.k.a. Kash with a K,

a.k.a. the most effective FBI director

this country's ever had.

Kash Patel.

Now, after the attempted assassination

of President Trump -- another one --

we conducted an investigation

that could not have been more thorough.

We dotted every T and bulged every eye.

And for those of you saying I'm doing a bad job running the FBI,

well, what if I told you

this agency is only six weeks away

from pinpointing the exact location of Osama bin Laden?

You guys should not be reporting the lies and the gossip.

You should be reporting on the historic nature

of my appointment. I am a trailblazer.

I'm the first Indian person to suck at their job.

Everyone says Indian people are smart, hardworking,

incredibly intelligent.

I've proved, without a shadow of a doubt,

that we can be just as incapable and incompetent as the whites.

Okay. Questions? Yeah, you, little shorty.

-Are you nervous about reports that Trump is angry with you?

-Hell no! President Trump loves me.

Everybody loves me.

Even the Correspondents Dinner shooter said,

"Kill everyone but Mr. Patel."

You get a shout-out like that in a psycho's manifesto,

you must be doing something right.

-Okay. Is it true that you, the director of the FBI,

was locked out of your own e-mail account?

-That's just more lies.

I've always been able to log into my e-mail,

except for a brief 36-hour period of time

when I forgot I had changed my password to KashMeOutside69.

-And can I ask about your drinking?

-What about it?

-I was actually talking to Mr. Patel.

-Oh. Awesome.

-Let me be clear.

This FBI director has never been drunk or hungover on the job.

This FBI director has never filled a 40-ounce travel mug

with ice-cold gin and a swirl of dry vermouth

and six lemon peels, and called it a Kashtini.

This FBI director has never used taxpayer dollars

to take a private jet to fly him and his girlfriend

to three different Buffalo Wild Wings locations

across the country to see if they could taste the difference.

And this FBI director has definitely not stood

on top of a couch at the VIP room

of TAO Nightclub and Asian Bistro

and shouted, "Who wants the nuclear codes?!

J.K.! I ain't got 'em!"

And beyond that, I just have one more thing to say.

-Live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"!