Original subtitles

(HUMS CONTENTEDLY)

Oi! (HONKS HORN)

What the hell?

I'm gonna punch your tits in. What?

I'm gonna punch your tits in.

(THINKS) "Punch my tits in?

"That's not a good threat at all.

"What does it mean? Punch them in where?

"There's already a lot in.

"Like, this whole bit is in.

"Maybe she means she'll punch them in even further?

"So they're poking through my back, is that it?"

(SPEAKS) That threat makes no sense. Are you not listening?

I'm gonna punch your tits in. I need a threat that makes sense.

Like, "I'm gonna smack you so hard you'll wear your snot like a scarf."

That's good. Right!

Snot like a scarf. You're picturing it!

I'm sorry. I get it.

Thank you. I'm really sorry about that.

Pick your shit up. I'm sorry.

Thanks, mate. You have a good one.

(THEME MUSIC)

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

How are you?

(AUDIENCE ROARS)

Listen, you know, I don't know a lot of stuff,

but I know I don't like exercise and that I've baked my last cupcake

for school.

Like, I would still recreationally bake a cupcake.

But schools and fundraisers...

By March this year... So, the school starts in February.

By March, we're already at three bake sales at our school.

I went to the principal, I said, "Sorry, what shit is this?

"What are we fundraising for? Why do we keep doing bake sales?"

And she goes, "Oh, we need a shade net for the playground."

I said, "And how much money are you hoping to make?"

She goes, "$300." I go, "I'll give the money right now."

(LAUGHTER)

I said, "I can go buy the shade net.

"I'll come back with a ladder. I've got to try...

"I'll just put it up."

And she goes, "No, we must work together."

(LAUGHTER)

And it's not even the fundraising that is...that I'm against.

It's when you find out about those cupcakes.

Now, I'll give my kids credit.

Like, I normally... the night before, at about 11:00,

when I've been trying to put that little shithead in bed

so many times...

You put them there and they come, "I'm thirsty. I'm hungry."

I have made a lasagne at this stage. (LAUGHTER)

And this kid keeps getting out of bed,

and by 11:00 comes out with a piece of paper

that's all tatty and it's wet.

It's always wet.

Anything that comes out of their school bag is wet.

This is the instructions for the cupcakes.

"Oh, you need 300 cupcakes by morning. This is fantastic."

I don't even mind making the 300 cupcakes.

But how do you transport 300 cupcakes?

Because you can't stack them, can you? No.

Now I'm looking for a Tupperware that's 12m by 8m wide...

(LAUGHTER)

..and a car to transport that kind of shit.

(LAUGHTER)

You flip that pamphlet over and on the back

there's roughly 20 things that you're not allowed to put in the cupcakes.

That's right.

Because these little shits are allergic to everything now.

There are kids who's allergic to chocolate.

Give up. (LAUGHTER)

That's it. Give up. There's no hope for you.

And it's not these kids' fault that they have all these allergies.

It's our fault.

Do you remember when you were a kid?

Who had kids that went to school with them with allergies?

Exactly. Do you know why?

Because our parents knew how to fuck.

(LAUGHTER)

They made decent human beings.

It's our fault - we're making substandard people.

(LAUGHTER)

None of these kids can eat nuts

because we've been eating so much crap.

When we were kids, your fingers were always orange.

Do you remember the chips we used to eat?

And then for three days you'd just have orange hands.

(LAUGHTER) And now we all have fertility issues.

So now we all have to go through IVF.

That's why these kids are allergic to nuts

because they've never been near a pair.

(LAUGHTER)

(BELL RINGS)

Nut-free, gluten-free. Sugar-free. Yuck.

This isn't sweet at all. I think you'll find it is sweet.

Mm-mm. Sweet potato, that is.

Oh. OK.

Sorry, do you have anything with, um...

..with real sugar in it?

No. Sugar is poison.

No nuts, no gluten, no sugar.

Hmm. No taste.

Psst.

Hey, you want the real sugar treats? Come on.

Cook's been cooking.

Gluten-free and sugar-free.

Welcome to the tuck shop. Oh, nice set up.

(EXCITING MUSIC)

I've been blackmailing the janitor

with photos of him and the home-ec teacher,

so I got keys to the kingdom, thank you, my friend.

Hey, ladies, are we still running at full purity?

95% sucrose, boss.

Love to hear it. Love to hear it. That is good stuff.

It's tight, mate.

You know, in here, this is where we make the canteen food.

Out there, they've got carrot sticks and quinoa slices.

Up in here, you see, we've got the sours here.

We've got some marshmallows, full-sugar popcorn.

There's snakes, jelly beans,

rainbow strips because we're pro-homosexual.

We have caramel, vanilla...

Every flavour you can think of, we've got it in there.

This is incredible.

Oh! Whoa!

Hey. Hey, rookie, you wanna go ahead and pace yourself here.

This stuff is pure. That thing's gonna hit you.

And before you know it,

you're gonna be bouncing off the walls like you're at Year Nine camp

getting finger-banged for the first time.

Hey, that happened in Year Eight.

Hold on. What are these?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Do you inject these? No.

Play a little tune on them.

(BLOWS WHISTLE AND CHANGES PITCH)

I'm like the Pied Piper for sugar addicts.

How'd you get those in?

Actually, Lyn here

brought 14 of these boxes over for us in her anal cavity.

They taste a bit gamey until you lick them a few times,

then they're all good. Yeah, on the nose.

Yeah, I can see a seed on that one, Lyn.

She's a trouper.

I do actually want to talk to you about something,

because I can see a lot of myself in you.

And I need someone to run the operation over at Boy Scout Hall,

and I think that can be you.

Oh! Tell me you can do it.

Yeah. Yes! Yeah? You can?

Yes, yes! Yes, yes.

(LOUD BANG AND SIREN)

This is a raid. Nobody move. You set me up!

I didn't. You did!

You set me up. I did not!

(LYN LAUGHS)

Lyn, what have you done?

Oh, my name's not Lyn.

It's Glynn.

How could I have been so blind?

95% sucrose, huh?

Mind if I...

..dib the tip?

I wouldn't.

Eugh! Is that chemicals?

Yeah, it's real drugs.

There was a mix-up at the port. That was disgusting.

Oh, I've gotta pick up Abigail from gymnastics.

Get her out of here.

Well, you're cooked, sweetie. You're on drugs now!

I've got a whole brick in my arsehole.

You shouldn't worry about your nipples.

She's got great nipples. Oh, really?

I do. Play your cards right and you'll see.

I'm being rude.

That was fun. Yeah, so good.

Yeah. More fun soon.

Here we are in the light.

Can't believe I'm going out with two women.

It's always been a fantasy.

We've always wanted a man around here.

Question - if you two are into women...

Mmm? ..what do you need me for?

There is a certain thing that a man can do that no woman can.

Are you ready to work for us, big boy?

Ladies, I'll do anything you want me to do.

Amazing! Well, come on.

Open it. Yeah.

Just...

..open the jar? Open it.

Oh, yes! Yeah!

(LIDS POP)

Oh, what about this one? That's a good one.

It was open, but now I can't get it open again.

(LIDS POP) (PURRS)

Jam. Is this S&M?

It's pickles. Ah-ah-ah!

(GROANS) Pickled onion.

(LID POPS) I need a rest.

Come on. You're doing a really good job.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I told you, I knew that would get him.

(LID POPS) Orange marmalade.

(BOTH CHANT) Open, open!

Feel my nipples but without touching.

Oh. Slut!

I'm exhausted. You're OK.

(WEAKLY) Oh, ladies, please? Do we have some Voltaren?

(LID POPS)

I've had enough. I'm exhausted. I need a rest.

This is the last one. (THREE LIDS POP)

Last one. Mhm-hm, mhm-hm.

Jesus! Yes! Open it up! This is the one.

You can do it. Come on!

Shoot that hot load. Come on!

(CHEERING)

Yes! Oh, incredible!

Look at you! Oh, my god. good job.

Look at this. Oh, my god. Was that good for you?

No, it was really good.

It was something. I loved it.

Baked pasta pomodoro? Yep

I'll make a rocket salad. Good. Yum.

I can't believe how long that took him.

Oh, look at the little guy. He's all tuckered out.

Oh! So cute. So cute.

Oh, no. No, no. Leave it.

He can take it out when he wakes up.

(APPLAUSE)

Look, we're all here. We believe in science, right?

Even if you're one of those people who do your own research,

you're a scientist, whatever, fine. (LAUGHTER)

I do believe, though, that science sort of favours men's medicine

a little bit stronger, wouldn't you say?

(AUDIENCE MEMBERS AGREE) Yeah.

And men are too scared to answer. I respect that.

Make some noise

if you're a woman who has been to the doctor with mastitis.

(WHOOPS FROM THE AUDIENCE) Yeah.

Mastitis, if you don't know,

is a condition, when you're breastfeeding,

your tits get so hard - harder than dating in your 50s.

They are hot. They are inflamed. It is so painful.

You just walk around naked around the house like this.

I don't know why your balls are sore too, but there you go.

(LAUGHTER)

You remove all the curtains in the house

just in case a breeze comes and touches that tit.

It is so painful.

And do you know what a doctor will tell you?

A medical professional with a certificate on the wall

will look you straight in the eye and go,

"Yeah, just pop some cabbage leaves on that."

(LAUGHTER)

"Sorry. What?"

"You don't have leeches in a fridge here somewhere

"you can chuck on the tits so it can suck it out? No?"

I firmly believe that if mastitis were to happen to men's balls,

like, if your balls got hot and inflamed and enlarged, right,

a man would just walk out into the middle of town square

and there'd be some war cry like... (ULULATES)

(LAUGHTER) (CONTINUES TO ULULATE)

And all the townsfolk will convene.

We'll all stand around this man,

and the Pope would come and do some seance on your balls.

And bam, you're healed. (LAUGHTER)

Meanwhile, all the women are standing around smelling like a cabbage patch.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, I see.

Good afternoon, Mr and Mrs Heterosex-ualay.

How can I help you two cuties today?

You go first. No, you go.

I actually haven't been feeling too good.

I have a cough and light-headedness and also chills.

It sounds like you've got that really bad flu that's going around.

I'm gonna prescribe some antibiotics for you.

OK. And rest.

That's the most important part here.

Mhm-hm. No house chores for six months.

OK. Yeah.

Don't you crack now. I won't, doctor.

Thank you, thank you. You're a lifesaver.

Um, hi. Sorry, um, I actually have the same symptoms -

headaches, chills and the works.

OK. Well, shall we have a look at how we can cure you?

What? Here we go.

What is that?

This is the latest in women's health research.

Oh, I see here you can boil cabbage leaves

and put those on your tatas and that'll make them feel great.

Oh, OK, alright.

Well, you can take used coffee grinds

and just slowly shove it up your anal cavity.

OK, maybe not that one.

How about this one?

You can shove a jade egg right up your...

How's that going to help?

Oh. Oh, I can see we're going to be fussy today.

You're a bit of a fusspot.

Maybe I should make you a special brew.

A what? I've heard about this.

Is that a witch's hat? It's a doctor's hat.

Have some respect.

Fresh pot for the fusspot.

Some rat tail.

Feathers. I plucked this myself.

That chicken never saw it coming.

Oh, eyeballs!

Yes, all the eyeballs.

Have you got anything else? Maybe your titties are sore.

You got sore titties? Maybe you got some anxiety.

I've actually been getting anxiety when I go on planes.

Have you? I have.

Hey, I want you to know that's completely normal.

It is? Yes.

I'm going to give you the strongest Valium that I can.

It's just so good to be seen.

(THUNDER RUMBLES) (CACKLES)

Drink. No!

Drink it! No!

I don't want this weird women's treatment.

Just treat me like a normal patient.

OK.

Well, from what I can see,

you carry a lot of extra weight. Mmm.

You want to lose some of that. Mmm.

It's going to make you feel lighter.

Also, have you tried smiling? Is that an attitude thing?

Try it? (LAUGHS INSINCERELY)

Don't you feel better? I feel better.

Alright, husbands, eyes front.

Welcome to Lesbian's Guide To Being A Husband.

You know how they say you give a man a fish and he eats for a day?

Love fish.

But teach a man to lesbian

and he'll be drowning in wife pussy for the rest of his days.

(LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING)

That's right. (SPLASHING SOUND)

Ohh, let me drown, let me drown!

That's weird. (LAUGHTER STOPS)

OK. Lezzon 1, Attention To Detail.

Husband number one, I'm gonna be your wife.

In your dreams!

And I'm wearing my straight-lady cardigan.

Ooh, and feeling it now.

(HIGH VOICE) I think I just broke a nail.

(GIGGLES)

I made spag bol...again.

(GIGGLES)

What is wrong with my outfit?

Oh, I know.

Uh, there's nothing wrong.

You look great, honey.

Wrong.

The tag was sticking out the whole time.

Boys!

(DISTORTED AUDIO)

Cannot let your wife walk around the mall

with 4XL sticking out of a cardigan.

That is a divorceable offence.

Lezzon 2, Argue Like A Girl.

Husband number two, I am your wife. I'm coming to you with a situation.

Are you ready?

(SHOUTS) Put that toilet seat down!

How many times do I need to tell you that, Toby?

I'm sick of your shit!

(CALMLY) Now, how are you gonna win that argument?

Honey, I just realised it's your period tomorrow

and that is why you're upset.

I'm going to give you full marks for courage.

Thank you. And double marks for stupidity.

You play the period card, your marriage is over.

Lezzon 3...

How to make your woman scream

but not in fear or disgust, OK.

Husband number three.

Let's pretend I'm attracted to you.

Try and seduce me.

(SULTRY MUSIC)

Hey. You wanna get busy?

Yeah! (MUSIC STOPS)

Now, who wants to tell me what he did wrong?

Apart from everything.

Wrong?

Oh, I know.

He undone his shirt buttons... He did.

..when he should've undone his pants.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, yeah. Let the dick out!

(SLAPS ARM ON DESK) (MEN LAUGH)

Can I just say straight women are extremely brave.

Honestly, boys, you want to fold your wife over?

I do. You gotta fold a towel.

Boom, boom, boom.

Done. You try it.

What is this wizardry?

Fold it.

OK. Sorry, sorry. Can I help you?

I just need to pick up my husband. Darren, we're late.

Wait, wait, wait. Why don't you show your wife what you learned?

Yeah, you got it. Go on, mate.

You got it. Go on.

Uh... Do it.

Hey, honey.

(ROBOTICALLY) Your tag is hanging out.

Is it?

Nuh. No, it's not. Darren!

Oh, you must be on your period.

What?! Darren.

Um, check this out.

What am I supposed to do with that, Darren?

(SNIFFS)

I'm afraid Darren's a lost cause. What?

I, however, am fully house-trained.

And I've got a van out the front. Do you want to get out of here?

Yeah, I do. Oh, wow.

Bye, Darren.

She's good.

(APPLAUSE)

Do you know, when I was young, I just assumed that

drugs, rock'n'roll and wild sex would ruin my life.

But it wasn't that at all. (LAUGHTER)

It's TikTok. (LAUGHTER)

TikTok is busy ruining my life.

Simple things that you think you know how to do,

like how to get the avocado separated from its skin.

It's easy - you cut it open, take a spoon,

slop it on a plate, and you're done.

But no, on TikTok they do it different.

They peel the outside off and then they cut it in half

and they slice it in slices and they put it on a board, like, crrrrring!

Have you seen that? It looks sexy.

(LAUGHTER) And I was like, I'm gonna do that.

I didn't do that. (LAUGHTER)

Cause I go and I get my avocado and I get home and I peel it,

and then there's all these black dots all over it.

And I was like, "Oh no, my avocado is diseased."

But it was not diseased, was it?

No, it's people in my community

who would go and squeeze the shit out of that avocado.

All those black dots are people in my community's fingers.

It just drove me nuts. Like, who would do that?

Like, why are you squeezing anything? You're not a farmer.

(LAUGHTER)

This may come as no big surprise, but I do have a therapist.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS) I know.

It's like when I meet someone who goes, "I've never been to therapy,"

I go, "Red flag, you're a red flag." (LAUGHTER)

But I think my therapist might be a red flag

because she bought me, for Christmas, a reflective vest.

(LAUGHTER)

She bought me this reflective vest because she says,

"Oh, you want to police what other people do with their lives,

"so, here - while I'm away for seven weeks in Europe,

"why don't you wear your little reflective vest

"and go police what other people are doing?"

I'm like, "Listen... (LAUGHTER)

"..first of all, fuck you. (LAUGHTER)

"Secondly..." (LAUGHTER)

She's real cheap so I have to take some shit from her.

(LAUGHTER)

I have to go see her so frequently.

You've gotta get a budget-friendly one, you see.

Secondly, I don't want to police what other people do. I don't.

I want you to just be able to do your shit. Do your part.

(LAUGHTER) But you don't.

So now I do have to police what you do.

(LAUGHTER)

We've got one.

Tomatoes section.

Suspect is male, quite tall.

Extremely unattractive to me.

Strike one.

Strike two.

No, it's terrible.

Stand by. We're gonna take the sucker down.

Not two-thumbing it.

Come on, mate, you're inside it.

It's quite good.

Hold your fire.

We need a clean put-back before we can arrest him.

We've got him! Move, move, move!

What the hell? What are you doing?

Oh, oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! No, ow.

Oh, no! I'm being attacked by the deli boys.

Ow! Ow!

Get your tongs away from my face, sir.

(YAPS)

Someone get these deli boys off me!

What are you doing?

What is this?

Oh, you thought you could come in here in broad daylight

and fondle fruit?

My name is Urzila.

Special Fruits Unit.

we are charging you with fiddling in the third degree.

It's not illegal to inspect fresh produce.

Inspect?!

You fingered this one so much,

if it was a human being, I wouldn't marry it.

I just want to find a ripe avocado.

Well, we all would love a ripe avocado,

but now someone has to go home with your sloppy seconds.

You can't arrest me. You don't know what I can do.

What are you gonna do?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Oh! Ah! Ah! (WINCES)

Yeah, yeah.

Ah! Ah!

(LAUGHS) God, you monster.

You monster!

Oh, gosh, she's fingering the ice cream.

God, I feel sick.

You know what? Grab his face.

You're gonna watch this.

Oh, god! How do you like that?!

How do you like that?!

Now you get to go home with my sloppy seconds.

(SCREAMS)

Excuse me. Hang on. What is going on here?

Oh, we found this jerk squishing produce.

We've contained the problem. Don't thank me. You're welcome.

I wasn't going to thank you.

You don't work here.

And I'm pretty upset by all this mess.

Look at this mess.

Deli boys, scatter!

What? Hang on...

Oh! Door's the other way!

Never mind me.

You should definitely get her.

I'm gonna have to reduce this now.

(APPLAUSE)

Alright, well, that is the episode.

Can I just say a word of warning?

If you have a friend who recently had a baby,

don't have cabbage salad at their house.

(LAUGHTER)

Also, as you exit the building,

there's some cupcakes for sale in the foyer.

My kid's school has a fundraiser... (LAUGHTER)

..so we need a new cover for the sandpit.

So if you guys can donate, that'll be excellent.

Thank you. I made that myself. It is nut-free.

I didn't drop my nuts in the batter once.

(LAUGHTER) Thank you so much for coming.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

First Lezzon...

Did it work?

(LAUGHTER)

And...action.

Hey, I can see a lot of myself in you, OK.

And I need someone...

(LAUGHS) Oi!

What? I'm doing nothing.

Come on. Hold yourself together. No, no. Shh.

Stop talking because I'm not strong enough, OK?

I see a lot of myself in you, and I need some...

(BOTH LAUGH)

Urzila, please be professional.

Oh, that actually did... Sorry.

I actually want to talk to you about something.

(BOTH LAUGH)

No, I've got it. I'll carry us through.

I'll carry us. You'll carry us?

I'll carry you. (BOTH LAUGH))

Good afternoon, Mr and Mrs Sexu-arlay.

Oh. That's Heterosex-ualay.

I fucked that up.

(LAUGHTER) (BABBLES)

You can't arrest me!

You don't know what I canna do.

What I canna do. (LAUGHS)

What I canna do, do. (LAUGHS)

Who are you people?

That's right, Fucko.

(ALL LAUGH)

Should we keep it? We've never had one.

No, I don't know what to do with that.

You have to walk it twice a day.

They shit in the bathroom, on the floor.

(LAUGHS)

Open it, you weakling! Use your whole hand.

Oh my god, let me do it, for fuck's sake!

(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS)

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation