Original subtitles

Cheers to us moving in together.

What a huge step in our relationship.

Go us. Oh!

Cheers.

We should go camping this weekend.

Camping?

I'd rather head-butt a nail.

You expect me to shit in a bucket?

Camping isn't for me.

It's for straight men

who secretly want to Brokeback Mountain each other.

Babe, I just, I can't sleep uncomfortably.

Sorry.

I have an air mattress.

Don't say it.

Just don't say it.

Please don't say it.

Don't say it.

And you know,

the air mattress is actually more comfortable than your bed.

You have to move out. Give me that.

Take your shit and go.

I should have fucked your sister when I had the opportunity.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Oh, hello.

Oh, it's good to see you.

Stop it.

If you want.

Hi, make some noise -

who's got kids?

(CHEERING)

Listen, now you know...

You know when you're packing the kids.

Those kids will make friends and you know how it works.

When those kids make friends,

you, the parents, must then be friends with those kids' parents.

That's how it works.

You don't choose your own friends.

Your kids now do it for you.

That's how mum groups start.

It's called the Seventh Circle Of Hell.

Okay?

And especially if your kids are like my kids.

My kids have terrible taste in friends.

They never pick the kids who has a hot tub or a pool at home.

No.

They become friends with the kids

whose mum shows up at school in their little bike shorts

with a pyjama shirt that still says 'Big Spoon' on it.

With no bra.

Smoking at the school gate where it says, 'Do not smoke'.

And then she's like, "Do you want a dart?"

No, I'm alright.

And then when the kids start coming out, she's like,

"Stacy! Get in the fucking car!"

Honestly, the worst thing, like, if you're sitting here, maybe you go,

"Should we have kids?"

I want you to think about that.

The friends that they'll make and all the other mums at school.

Because at the minute, you look at your partner and you go,

"We will have the cutest little babies."

But you're not thinking about all those other mums

that you have to talk to at school.

And that'll take all of your patience.

And that's why mums always yell at their kids -

because they're saving the patience for the other mums.

There's this one mum at my kids' school,

she's this little bird-like creature.

And she always wears a T-shirt

and on it, it says, "Protect your kids from the gay agenda."

(AUDIENCE GROANS) I know.

And I'm so confused with this shit.

Like, I don't even understand,

what is the gay agenda that you're scared we're spreading?

Like, we're not the ones going door to door.

You will never, in your life, hear a knock on your door,

and open the door

and there's a whole clitorii of lesbians in front of your door.

"Have you heard the great news?

"You can eat pussy for six hours a night."

We don't need to do that.

Our work speaks for itself.

It's called word of mouth.

(LAUGHTER)

Enjoy your day.

(SIGHS) Hello, Janine.

Afternoon.

See you tomorrow.

Have a great day, darling.

Love you.

Bye-bye. Mummy loves you.

Have a good day, buddy.

Hello, Janine.

Hello, Urzila.

What a nice day we're having.

A bit too hot, actually.

(SIGHS) I'd go home.

Enjoy the rest of this sunny day.

See ya.

Hello, Urzila.

Hello, Janine.

Plans for the weekend?

Kid's soccer game.

You?

Lunch with the in-laws.

I know.

Hi, ladies.

Everything alright?

He's so rude.

(LAUGHTER)

At the end, I needed five sketches.

You are crazy, Lucy.

Me crazy?

I don't think so.

You should ask her what she does with yoghurt.

Bring it. Don't pull me into this thing.

Alright, so, when we have yoghurt,

I peel the lid off and I always lick the yoghurt.

Because, you know, it's my yoghurt.

(LAUGHS) You're such a weirdo.

Okay, guys, if we're sharing our weird thing,

I actually collect stuffed teddy bears.

That's crazy.

You're nuts. You're nuts.

I speak to our cat like she's our daughter.

Oh-ho! Yeah.

Alright, cuckoo Magoo.

(LAUGHTER)

I shit in the shower.

What?

Hm?

What did you say?

I, uh... I sometimes eat cereal for dinner, yeah.

Yeah, and sometimes I have pasta for breakfast.

Oh. That is wild.

I occasionally talk to my food.

I was like, "Get in me, get in me."

(LAUGHTER) She does do that.

It's so cute.

Yeah, I poo in the shower.

Yeah, no, I definitely heard that one.

Yeah, yeah, I heard that.

Look, we're all saying the crazy stuff we do.

I mean, Lucy, she sings songs about her house chores.

I do do that. I do. Don't I?

Yeah, and, you know, I make up little dances in the lounge.

That's it.

And I poo in the shower and waffle-stomp it down the drain.

Waffle what now?

Waffle-stomp.

If it's a hard one, I just stomp it through.

Dude! That's not the same as our stuff.

Ours are like weird and fun.

Yeah, like I used to have a nipple ring.

And I put strawberries up my bum.

Oh, my... Why?

Because it makes the shower smell good while I'm waffle-stomping.

That is disgusting.

It's the same.

It is not the same thing.

Look, I'm a kook just like you guys.

I'm a classic kook.

Hey, I'm a kook.

No, no, no.

We are classic, "Hey, kooks."

You're kooked, mate.

How did you not get bullied for this in high school?

Oh, I was home-schooled, so I...

Oh, OK, that actually checks out.

It's a home-school thing.

Did you know I was home-schooled as well?

Really? So you... Waffle-stomped?

Yeah.

No way, we wouldn't have done that.

That is disgusting.

We called it bubble and squeak.

That's cute.

That's cute. That's nice.

How come it's cute when she says it?

Shut up, you weirdo.

Also, we are not playing hide and seek after this.

I don't know what you're going to hide where.

Give me that strawberry.

You know when you go visit your parents, right,

and your mum's just cooking,

and you're sitting with your dad,

and, you know, he's asking you to help with the computer,

and then you're like, "Yeah, all right,"

and then your mum pops her head out, and she goes,

"Hey, can you have a look at why the computer keeps...

"There's no history.

"Every time when I try to go back to my history..."

And you just look at your dad, and you go, "You filthy bastard!"

But you're also proud that he knows how to wipe the history,

so you don't have to do it.

(SINGSONG) Good morning.

Welcome to Computer Literacy for Seniors.

I see you all have your laptops and iPad and whatever that is.

So, you're going to have a little crash course, four weeks,

and after that four weeks,

you're going to be able to email your grandchildren,

message your friends.

Can I get a "Hell yeah!"?

Okay.

How about we just open our computers?

Oh, question.

Graham, what is it?

How do you delete Google history?

That's a great question.

We're going to tackle that in week three when we do online literacy.

But for today, we're going to focus on Microsoft Windows.

Oh, yeah.

I'd like to know how to delete Yahoo history.

And once we've done that, how do we delete Firefox Mozilla?

Okay, all of that is basically the same thing.

Is cookie history the same as computer history?

And what's this about incognito mode I keep hearing about?

Okay.

Just so I know,

who's only here to find out how to delete the porn off their computers?

Wow, so you guys only use your computers for porn?

No.

I'm also a sugar daddy.

Oh, me too.

I use OnlyFans.

Wow, I'm only grossed out.

That is... that is a lot.

I mean, I was going to teach you how to email your grandkids

and message your wives,

but because of you perverts, I now have to go through this trauma.

I will show you one time, and one time only,

how to delete your search history.

This is grim.

Okay, open your searches.

Click on that, so we can see what you've...

Whoa, okay.

Yeah, I mean, that's... that's bad.

"Big boobs, bigger boobs,

"more boobs, please."

That sounds nice.

Well, at least he uses his manners.

"Savaged maiden,

"the biggest bottom ever."

You grot.

All right, simmer down over there, Lenovo.

I'm sure you've got way worse on your computer.

Ah, your computer sucks.

Hey, chill.

You've got a TCL. That stands for The Crappy Lappy.

Zip it.

All right, let me show you how to delete it.

See there, just under 'See all', and then it says 'Delete all'.

Delete it.

There you go, it's gone.

It's like it never happened.

Let's cover actual computer stuff, shall we?

Okay, so word processors work...

(WHIRRING)

Who's printing?

Is that you?

This is gross misuse of a printer.

This is disgusting.

You're going to want to laminate that before you use it.

(LAUGHS)

That is too much.

I quit.

I'm going to go,

unless any of you have actual questions about computers.

Yes.

Who directed Two Girls and a Cup?

I'm going to leave.

I cannot cope.

Is this a butt plug?

Some of the stuff I've bought online, I'm proud of.

Like, I bought one of those little car vacuums that can blow and suck,

like your sister.

And... (LAUGHTER)

That thing's amazing.

Can definitely recommend.

But then, there's stuff, you know,

three o'clock in the morning,

that when you buy it,

they promise they won't put any details

on your credit card statement,

and it'll show up in a blank box at your house.

Like, I just recently bought a flashlight.

Some of you don't know what that is, because you're a pure heart.

And I'm not going to explain it to you, because this is on ABC.

You're going to have to do the adult thing and go Google it.

All I'm saying is, I use it all the time, you know.

Because, you know, after adult time,

you have the toys,

and you need, like, a little holster, if you will.

Or a little sheath.

So that when you're done, where can you put it that it fits perfect?

But a flashlight, you know.

It fits so perfect, even Jesus goes,

"That's what I meant for it to look like."

When you pass away,

it is your responsibility to get a friend

that can go in and go clear out all your crap out of your house.

You don't need your family to find that stuff, hey.

When your mum has to go in and go clean that stuff off,

that's going to shave a lot of her sadness off.

When she has to find all of the filth that you have in your room.

A big part of me, though, hoped that I'd die before my sister,

so that she, in her Christian heart,

can find the stuff and at least die one day with a smile on her face.

I'm afraid she's gone.

Oh. (SOBS)

(BEEPS, TRILLS)

Team, it's go time.

Client 114 just passed away.

She's one of our longest, most premium clients.

I personally signed her up and she was a good woman with a few quirks.

T-minus 12 minutes until her family get home.

We need to clear out all the embarrassing shit

before her family finds it.

It's too tight, boss.

We'll never make it.

Get this done for her and for me.

We're the reason people remember their loved ones as good people.

We have to make it.

Let's go!

Code brown!

Code brown!

Dispose!

Dispose! Dispose!

The final package is secured.

Let's move out.

98, I've just decrypted a fresh manifest

with more items she didn't want anyone to know about.

How many?

There's a lot.

She was a sick bitch.

Yuck.

(RETCHES) Oh, that's disgusting.

What is it?

Poetry.

Self-written.

Burn it immediately.

What a freak.

They're nearly here.

T-minus two minutes.

Let's move.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC)

Eugh! She's getting sicker and sicker by the minute.

Time is running out.

Let's go, let's go!

Have you cleared this room?

I think so.

Check behind that door.

Other door, you dipshit.

Oh, gimp.

How'd I miss that?

All good, you're new.

Get out of here, gimp.

God, it makes me miss my dad.

They're here, they're here!

Move out, team.

I think we got it all, boss.

What about the sex robot?

The manifest says there's a sex robot.

There is no sex robot.

We've got everything.

Shit.

Oh, my God.

She was at the Wuhan wet market in 2019.

She started COVID.

Go, team!

Move, move, move!

That was tight, but we pulled it off.

Excellent work, team.

I have to tell you this little nugget.

The last time I went to the doctor for a smear,

they gave me a thing and I was like, "Okay."

And they go, "You can go in cubicle three."

I go, "Are you coming?"

No, it'd be like I'm courting the nurse.

I'm like, "Do you want to come?"

And they go, "No, it's a self-test.

"You get a self-test now."

I'm like, "Listen, listen.

"I'm not ready for that."

You should see me at the self-checkout in the supermarket.

Oh, it's such a stressful thing when they always go,

"Use the self-checkout."

(GULPS)

"Do I have to?"

Because I'm not smart for that kind of shit.

You go, boomp, and then it goes, "Wait for assistance."

I'm like, "Why? What did I do?"

I'm so scared because you know that teenager and they're always so angry.

They come out and they go, "You're not doing it right."

And I go, "Listen, I'm sorry.

"I wasn't here when we got training."

No wonder I'm so tired.

I work this fucking job too.

So I don't think I should be trusted with a self-check for a smear.

You know, now I'm just in there.

I'm not sure what to do.

And they go...

Honestly, when they gave me that test,

I said, "Doctor, have you ever seen me in the supermarket?

"I don't do self-serve."

And it's not our fault.

Women are bad at direction.

It's not our fault.

Do you know what?

They've done studies, and when I say they, I mean me,

that a woman will spend on average

about 12 years of her adult life in a bathroom

looking at a panty liner, going, "Which way is the front?"

Honestly, you'd think they can sort it out.

They can make dudes' dicks harder than algebra,

but they can't fix our panty liners.

We did it, boys.

Whoo!

And it's got everything a woman could want.

Little gutter lines for extra absorbency.

Oh, my bro's got to slow that flow for the hoes.

It's got extra strong glue,

so it's going to stick to them sweet little panties...

ALL: All day long.

And most importantly, look on the back.

Sick animal trivia.

Straight up fats, baby!

Yeah.

(FAKE CHUCKLES)

Which side's the front?

The front? What?

Which side is the front?

I can't tell which side's the front.

Well, it's just... Yeah. Like... The f...

Did you see the facts on the back?

Yeah, no one wants that.

Come on! All right, yeah, okay, yeah.

There you go. F.

Boom. (LAUGHS)

Yeah, but F for 'front' or for 'fanny'?

Because depending on which country you're in,

that could be front bump or back bump.

Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

It'll fit either way.

Oh, okay.

No, you three seem to know your way around a pussy.

(SNIGGERS)

Let me give it a hoon.

Let me try it.

No, no, hey.

Don't you turn your back on me.

You look at it.

Look at it!

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh! The glue's too strong, it just ripped the gusset right out of it.

That's got to be on you to a certain degree.

Let's just...

Oh, yeah. That's already ripped off about 50 pubes there.

(SQUEAKING)

Oh, that is not comfortable.

Oh.

It's just got my labia.

It's pulling at the labia.

It's not supposed to do that.

(SQUELCHING)

Oh, she's out, she's out.

Terrible!

Can you say something good?

Like, we worked on this really hard.

I wish I could, but I just have nothing because you're dumb as shit.

Dumb as shit?

If we're so dumb, how could we be revolutionising the women's razor?

Check this out.

Less blades, pretty blunt, but a soft, pink handle.

Yeah, because women don't have hair, so we made the blades unsharp.

Unsharp? Mm.

Don't speak again.

Okay, well, what about lady pants?

Drop the lady pants! Ba-ba-bam!

What about them?

Well, they're exactly like men's pants, but they don't have pockets.

Yeah. But we want pockets.

Well, easily fixed.

We'll just sew some patches on, make it look like it's got pockets.

Yes!

This is bullshit.

Do you morons actually believe

that if you keep making this shit that doesn't work,

but you package it all nicely in pink with soft little handles,

that women will keep buying it even though it doesn't work?

Now she gets it. Yeah.

That's, like, it.

(SIGHS)

Good point, and...

..we do like the trivia.

Dammit!

(SQUELCHING)

You knew it, man.

Everyone loves trivia.

That's going to leave a mark.

So what's next, fellas?

Let's try and make childbirth quieter.

Yeah!

This is why we brainstorm. Whoo!

Is it made to circumcise a woman?

Because I think it just did.

Well, well, well,

I think what we've learned tonight is female products aren't that great,

but on the positive side, my ass looks amazing in overalls.

I mean, Jesus Christ.

Look at that.

Why don't you have a hoon at that

while I walk off stage with my brand-new panty liner in.

Thank you.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Can you just say something good?

Like, we worked on this really hard.

I don't know my lines, so no, I can't.

(LAUGHTER)

I mean, I was going to teach you guys how to, you know,

message your grandparents...

'Grandparents'! (LAUGHS)

Dear Jesus.

All right, all right.

Get the crypt open.

Shut your mouth, bulk shitter.

MAN: Are we going to end on a spit take?

Are we going to end on a spit take?

This wind's really good for my hair.

Mmm.

OK, I love Botox.

(LAUGHTER)

It's torrential.

I might... (LAUGHS)

I might go home and enjoy the rest of the sunshine we're having.

We don't have a tent. (CAT MIAOWS)

(LAUGHTER)

Typical, two lesbians and a cat runs through.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation