Original subtitles

Alright, babes, you are looking gorg.

Thank you. Mm.

Feeling it.

Ah! Hello. Got a little hair on your shirt.

I'll just grab that. Mm!

URZILA: Oh, my God.

That's no stray. That sucker's attached... to my tit!

It's breached the shirt!

That is amazing! And disgusting.

Why is it so long?

Well, we're going to need more than those spaghetti arms, sweetie.

Just pluck it.

Just pluck it!

Can I get a hand? Oh.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

Oh!

That's OK. I've got another one.

(CHEERING)

Oh! Stop it!

How are you?

(CHEERING)

Yeah, same.

Can I just say how impressed I am with us, as a people,

that this year has been the year of the tit.

Like, it has been such a strong year for tits.

Like I have signed more boobs this year than I have

any other time in my entire career,

and some of them were even on women.

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you, Jesus, that I'm a lesbian,

that I can enjoy these little delights in life.

(LAUGHTER)

That's not the only reason that I'm so happy

that I'm a lesbian and into women because,

you know, I look at straight people and I go,

"You poor bustards, you have no idea."

Gay couples, they make sense to me. You're on even-par.

But these couples. What...?

You poor bustards.

Like, 'cause men aren't ready.

You know, women, our natural talent is to argue.

That is our gift that Jesus gave us.

He gave us a memory

and a fucking storage tank that can hold

all the shit your partner has ever done.

We even take notes when his mum goes,

"You know, he used to be real naughty as a boy."

You go, "Save that."

I can pull that back up later.

But men, you're just not equipped.

Like, I see, when I see straight couples fight,

it's like you know when you see a little boy,

like, a four-year-old race his dad?

Dad, usually at the end, just go pfft and beats him

and the boy's devastated.

Yeah, that straight couples.

You think you can call some shit out.

Oh, you saw her coffee cup in the lounge and now you think,

"Don't worry. I've taken your cup to the kitchen for you."

(LAUGHS)

"You want to talk about the cup in the lounge?

"Because I've been meaning to talk to you

"about the giant blobs of toothpaste in the sink

"after you've brushed your teeth."

That's why she doesn't piss you anymore.

You know, when you get to a point in your relationship you go,

"We never pash anymore. Remember how we used to?

"Why don't we ever do that any more?"

It's like, "'Cause, motherfucker, I don't know how you brush your teeth."

Great dinner, babe.

Well, it was teamwork butter chicken.

Did you rinse that? Huh?

Did you rinse that? Did you see me rinse it?

You know you're supposed to rinse it before you put it in the dishwasher?

Otherwise you're gonna clog the dish valve.

I've told you this! Don't snap at me.

Well, I've told you this, like, a dozen times, but you never listen.

What do you think happens? It just magically washes itself?

I mean, how hard is it to rinse plates?

I don't want to argue with you, Timothy.

Yeah, well, I do, Abigail.

I need you to know that women take arguing very, very seriously.

So I need you to ask yourself are you ready to argue with a woman?

Yeah.

OK.

Wait. What's... What's that?

Timothy, you had your chance to pull out, and you didn't.

2019. 2015. Here we go.

Christmas Day, 2012.

You had a good old look at my sister's tits

while she was cutting up food.

How is that relevant? I mean, no, I didn't.

Yeah. You did. She was wearing a loose linen top,

and then she leaned forward and presented an opportunity.

And you stared directly at her ample bosom.

I might have glanced.

Oh, you may have glanced? Let's go to the tape, shall we?

(CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)

Look at that. Direct.

I've never seen you that focused in your entire life.

I was just looking at the sourdough, like, her slicing technique.

All this, it was fascinating.

Oh! That's interesting. Let's have a look at this.

Same year, New Year's Eve, 11:43pm.

You were overheard talking to our neighbour James,

about my sister's tits.

No. (LAUGHS)

Can the court stenographer please read those comments back to us.

"James - can you pass me one of those cans of beer?

"Timothy - sure can. Hey, speaking of cans,

"you know who's got some really great cans?"

Alright, that's inadmissible.

The court would like to call witness 13C to the stand, please.

Talk us through what you witnessed.

Did you see anyone

making any gestures with their hands on the night?

I believe it was something like,

"Honk, honk."

Oh. and is the person who went "Honk, honk"

in court here today with us?

Yes, it was him.

Alright, you win! I'm sorry! I give up.

No more questions, Your Honour.

I find the defendant guilty on three counts of dead chivalry

and all counts of being a perv.

Thank you, Your Honour.

This is fun. We should cook together more often.

I love it.

Aw.

You should call a plumber.

That valve is going to be super clogged.

It's this one. It's recycling. We've been through this.

No, no, no - daylight savings.

The contents of the bin change.

What? Where did you read that?

Oh, here she is.

It's Hire-A-Lez. Perfect.

Hello, there. Thanks for coming, Hire A Lesbian.

Hi. Hey, call me Leslie.

I'm your friendly neighbourhood Hire-A-Lez consultant.

Trust me to do the jobs your hopeless husband can't.

I'm glad you're here.

My ears are starting to ring after all the nagging.

Yap, yap, yap, this one.

How about you leave all the joking to me, pal? Hey?

And everything else.

So what I'm going to do, I'm going to start off by mowing your lawn.

And then I'm going to cut your grass.

Wonderful.

And then I'm going to clean out your chimney,

get all those cobwebs right out,

yeah, so she's ready to burn.

God! Do you know what I mean?

He doesn't know.

I take a lot of time, but a good time, a thorough time.

Yeah. That could be good, right, honey?

Yeah, I could be into that.

Whoo!

I don't know why you'd do that.

It's good to get the mils.

That just seems inefficient.

Impressive!

Yeah. We love this, I love this.

Would you like some tea? What?

Would you like some tea? No, I don't like you.

I'm gonna get you some tea.

(BANGING)

There she goes, hammering away. Good on her.

How do you take your tea?

Harder! Harder! Harder!

Don't know what that means.

Do you take milk? Yes! Yes! Yes!

OK. Heard you the first time.

Yes! Yes!

Yes! It's going in so deep.

Oh, my God. What's going on in here?

Some people call it carpentry. I call it foreplay.

Formply? I know about Formply from the hardware store.

1,200 long with a laminated back.

Foreplay. He... Don't bother.

He doesn't get it. He never has.

OK. I'll, uh, just leave these here.

Yeah, just leave them.

Door open or closed? BOTH: Open.

We don't care. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Where were we? OK, so you wanna...

You want to go in real deep,

but slow and steady, but keep your pace.

All I want to say is the only thing that we should take from men

are your toilets.

We're going to take your toilets

because even right now, as you're sitting here,

the women are already starting to stress

because they need to go to the toilet.

And, you know, we have to line up to use the toilet

like we're farm animals.

And I'm like, "Why are we struggling? We need to take the men's toilets.

"We need to take it off them."

You boys can just piss in the street like you do anyway.

There's not one person in here

who's not stumbled down an alleyway

and saw some random 2:00 in the morning dick, right?

You guys can just go piss down a drain

or piss in a bottle or piss in anything.

You can literally piss in anything.

We know you can't do it in the toilet splatter-free.

So what are we going to do is we will take your toilets.

And, ladies, I'm putting a urinal in for us.

like a trough.

Because, of course, it's the only way we can do it.

We can't be standing against the wall.

So we go in and you're just going to climb over that thing.

Oh...

I mean, obviously we all have to face the same way.

You can't get one overeager lesbian coming in going,

"Don't mind if I do."

You're like, "No, Leslie! No."

But, guys, you gotta help a bitch out.

'Cause you know, we go through a lot when we have to line up.

That's why women are always closer than men.

We're easier to talk to each other

because we practice when we're standing in the queue

to use the toilet.

Because we're all standing there

waiting for our turn to hold the door.

We just shuffle on, little bits by little bits.

When our tits are touching her back,

'cause you got to keep it tight,

and all the men are just... (IMITATES TICKING)

And that is why we need our own urinals.

And we are coming to take them from you.

(CHEERING)

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC IS MUFFLED)

How long have you guys been waiting?

I don't remember.

Oh, that's some bullshit.

Hey, what's it like in there? Is there soap?

What's the toilet paper like?

It's... It's one-ply.

And there's only two cubicles. For all of us?!

Oh, it's not fair.

No, no! This can't be.

My molars are floating in my head. I need to piss right now.

My Tena is to the brim!

This is bullshit!

Why must we be treated like second-class citizens?

We are human too!

We deserve to piss freely like the men do.

If you cut us, do we not bleed?

If we are busting, do we not piss? I piss!

I don't know about you, ladies,

but I can't stand idly by

while men can just go toilet

wherever and whenever their tiny little dicks want to go!

Hell, yeah! They don't have to queue.

They don't have to wipe. They don't even wash their hands.

They don't even really need a toilet.

They can piss whether they like.

I've seen a guy piss in a Coke bottle.

I've seen a guy piss out of a window.

Have you ever pissed out of a window?

No, 'cause you're not a goddamn animal.

What can we do? We can fight back!

That's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna take their toilets from them.

Women pissing in the men's room? I've heard about girls who do that,

but I always thought it was just a myth.

They want us to work like men and repress our feelings like men.

Then, by God, we shall piss like men!

Out of the trenches and into the trough!

ALL: Out of the trenches and into the trough!

Out of the trenches and into the trough!

ALL: Out of the trenches and into the trough!

Charge! (ALL SHOUT)

You made a murder board of all the possible suspects.

No. This is my 'wish I could murder' board.

Murder board for the case is over there.

Getting into the mind of the killer. Brilliant.

I don't need to get in to the mind of a killer.

I understand the desire to kill

on such a deep, cellular level

that it scares the shit out of me.

And it should make your piss run ice cold.

(GULPS)

There's a lot of photos on that fantasy murder board.

What did they all do that was so bad?

This one here didn't thank me when I let him into traffic.

This guy here, 3.5 minutes of a monologue at a dinner party.

Drove me nuts.

This guy stood in front of me at the supermarket,

and he was just doing this weird little dance, like that.

Like that. And every time he did that,

he'd miss his opportunity to move ahead in the queue.

And I had to gently remind him

by ramming his ankles with my fucking trolley.

It's so frustrating. Yes, that's pretty bad.

Bad? It's evil.

I would kill them if it wasn't illegal,

or if I knew I could get away with it.

Wait.

Wait, is that a photo of me?

Mm.

Here you go, Detective. Oh. Thanks.

Did you file that affidavit I gave you this morning?

Oh, no. It's been quite busy out on the front desk.

We had a bit... I'm losing the will to live.

It was a yes or no question. No.

Oh.

In that case...

I'll go and sort that out now.

Do you think that was a bit harsh?

Maybe you need to take the rest of the day off just to calm down.

Calm down? Mate...

I'm calm. I'm as calm as they come.

Trust me,

you've not seen calmer in your entire life.

I showed up calm.

I'm calm as all hell!

No, no... No!

Give it!

Oh, my lucky cup.

Calm down?

I am calm!

I'm calm!

(SCREAMS)

Whoo! Whoo!

I'll tell you what, detective. You were right.

It did calm me down a little bit.

I'm gonna go for lunch.

How about you clean up this mess before I get back,

and no one gets hurt, hey?

That's asbestos.

(APPLAUSE)

Hey, I can see your age in this room.

I can sort of get a vibe for you.

And do you remember... Oh, not you two.

But do you remember how we used to dance in the '80s and '90s?

Do you remember going to the club and we'd all be dancing?

Do you know why we had to dance like that?

Because deodorant only lasted for three hours.

You couldn't be chucking your arms in the air.

People would pass out.

But then the deodorant companies came to the party.

They'd go, "We'll give you six hours."

Then we'd start dancing with the fingers, like.

Then the deodorant companies went even longer.

Now it's 24 and 48.

There's a deodorant on the market right now that's 72 hours.

What - are you trapped in a mine?

Who needs 72 hours?

In a 24 hour cycle, you got to put your ass in water.

You gotta be fresh. You gotta get in there and scrub everywhere.

And I mean everywhere.

Don't just rub your hand around with a bit of shower gel.

Get a loofah, lather that bitch up and get involved and wash everywhere.

I mean, if you don't want to put

the loofah on your asshole, that's fine.

You do the shower gel and check that the foam comes out clean, you know?

I know. I can hear you know how to wash your asshole.

I didn't have to explain that.

Also, you gotta be fresh.

I'm telling you now, you gotta be fresh all the time.

Because if you're not, when you stink,

you make the rest of us paranoid.

It doesn't matter how fresh I am.

If you are not fresh, you walk past me and...

(SNIFFS)

Fuck, is that me?

I start questioning myself like I've never met me.

Now I have to find out if it's me without letting anyone else know.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

..is an icon. So just really wanna... Oomf!

And I just wanna go attack it like that, you know?

Hey, hey, hey. What's up? What's up?

Welcome to the house of Anastacia.

We love you, Anastacia! Thanks, dollface.

My next single is a dancehall banger,

and I need you to bring the heat.

Um, Trevor...

Davis, actually. Trevor Davis...

Um, Davis, just show me what you got on the choreography.

OK, let's hit the track.

(POP MUSIC BEAT PLAYS)

No, we'll just cut the track there. Sorry. One... Just one second.

Yeah. Sorry. What are you doing?

Dancing my heart out.

Who is she? Ignore her.

She's from a, um...

She's from a lesbian outreach programme.

Um, I think we should just ignore Urz,

maybe even cut her, because I don't think her dancing is very good.

Well, maybe I do agree she wasn't dancing very good.

I think she was dancing...

..great!

Yes! Yeah. You got the talent?

Yeah! Up top, A-bomb! (INDISTINCT)

So, Urzila, are you ready to step up to the streets?

Yes, A-train! I'm ready to take centre stage with you.

You better save the last dance for me.

(LAUGHS) Naming early 2000s dance films because, um... Um...

'Cause of... 'Cause of Dirty Danc... It's the '80s. This is hard.

Hey, Coyote Ugly, Zip it.

Yeah! Hit the track!

Dancers, step up. (MUSIC PLAYS)

Lock it in. See, this is what I'm talking...

Lock it in. We're 49-year-old ladies having a hot flash.

Yes. Hah! I got finger guns.

I got finger guns.

OK, I'm gonna just call it the finger guns, sorry.

Um, it's sort of giving drunk auntie at a wedding vibes.

I have been a drunk auntie at a wedding, and I think that's me.

That's exactly what I was going for!

You've got me and I've got you.

Hit it!

It's late and the vodka's hit hard.

Yeah.

Dancing - it's 90% eyebrows.

Get them up!

I can do the side of my face.

That's how we get the straw out of the drink.

Oh, I do that a lot.

Huh! Get your tits out.

Stretch your butt, stretch your butt.

Where's my keys? Where's my keys?

No! Enough, enough, enough, enough!

I can't watch another second of this.

I am a trained dancer, OK?

I want to be doing, like, body rolls and spins.

You shouldn't do any of that at your age. It'll make you sick.

I am 34 and 13 months.

Look, Anastacia, can we please just do my choreography?

I'm a bit confused.

Who here has sold 30 million records worldwide?

ALL: You did, Anastacia.

So I think that I can choose who's doing the choreography.

Alright, then. Well, who are you going to pick?

(SONG PLAYS)

This is stupid!

Ahh!

ALL: Ew!

I told you that was going to happen!

Oh, my God. What are you eating?

I do feel like we've learned a lot from each other so far tonight.

But I also don't want you to leave here tonight

thinking I don't like men

or I don't think that men have a special talent.

Of course you do.

You know, men are extremely gifted.

When your wife is not feeling great, to go,

"Why don't you put on a bit of a happy face?

"Why don't you smile a bit?"

It's adorable, and I think it's your strength.

I think the fact that you have that

absolute, sheer inability to read a room, I like it.

You guys have been great! Thank you so much.

(CHEERING)

So what I'm going to do...

Yeah.

You've forgotten your line. No, I have not.

Bullshit. I'm going to polish her doorknobs.

(LAUGHTER)

Like suggesting Sam's got a tiny dick?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The mils. I'm right here, by the way.

I don't want to argue with you, Taren.

Well, I do, Perstephanie.

How hard is it to rinse dishes?

I could hear your lips flap the whole time,

trying to intimidate my witness.

I heard your lips flapping, too.

Yeah, well, you have six children.

You put six children inside me.

This is why my lips flap.

OK?

When I... On a windy day, I'm out there...

We are improvving here. This is useable.

Yeah. Alright.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation