Original subtitles

(CAR RADIO PLAYS) # Oh, I'm gonna be a cheerleader... #

One second.

Get in the car. He's getting in the car.

He's taking his frickin' time.

Just one second. Yeah, mate.

Here we go. This is progress. Look.

This is the slowest I've ever seen anyone.

Is he gonna thank me for that? Where's my wave?

Yeah. And there it is. He's waving.

No. That was a hand on a mirror. That's OK!

(TENSE MUSIC)

What kind of animal raised you that you don't give a wave?

Do you know the danger you've put us in

now that I have to aggressively overtake you just to flip you off?

WAVE! I'm gonna get out of this car,

rip your head off and shit down your lungs.

Stick your hand in the air!

Oh, no, no, you're all right, mate. You're right.

Oh, he's lovely, isn't he?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Holy hell. Look at you!

Oh, it's very lesbian central in here.

Look at all the lesbians in this room.

Holy shit!

I mean, I know there's other people too, but you know. No, no, no.

Welcome to the straight people.

I'm an ally. Make some noise if you're heterosexual.

(CHEERING)

Yeah. Put your hand down.

I'm an ally.

I'm an ally. I am with you guys. Both my parents are straight,

so I feel you in my heart, OK?

Listen, it's tough for us too, OK?

We have to do our own research.

And I want you to know, when I came out of the closet,

I was 26 years old. This was back when Jesus was a boy.

And back then there were two.

They were the gays, who were the guys.

And then there were the lesbians, who were us.

And we had no work for each other. We never talked.

We kept to ourselves.

And then one day the gays came up to us and they went, "Hey, lesbians."

And we went, "WHAT?!"

(SIGHS)

And we took off our tool belts.

And then the gays said to the lesbians,

"Hey, lesbians, look at that."

And we're like, "What is that?"

And the gays went,

"Those are bis."

And we went, "Bi what?

"Buy now, gay later?"

And you know what we did?

'Cause we didn't understand what they were.

We didn't understand what bisexuality was.

So we went over to them and go, "So...who do you guys do?"

And they explained it to us, and we're like,

"All right, come on, let's start an alphabet."

This is a very soft trigger for people.

People are like, "You know, I don't understand the alphabet.

"You know, the alphabet mafia. Alphabet mafia.

"You guys are taking the whole alphabet."

I go, "Yeah, bitch, we're coming for the numbers next."

Actually, I just found out there is a number in there now.

There's 2. There's a number 2 in there.

I'm as surprised as you are.

Whenever I see, I go, "Holy shit. How many...? What?!

"Why are all those letters there?"

Like...I'm out of breath at the end of it,

and I have to think about LGBTQIA+...2.

(LAUGHTER)

Does your husband never get around to fixing that crooked shelf?

Is your house falling apart,

because he never fixes what he says he'll fix?

ALL: Yes.

You need to hire a lez.

That's me as an animation.

Hi, I'm Leslie Behan,

CEO of Hire-a-Lez,

is the largest and fastest growing

all-female home maintenance company in the world.

We're also the only one.

Let's face it.

Your husband is terrible at DIY

and he will get lost in your Bermuda Triangle.

But not our highly trained lesbatarians.

They're great at both of those things.

Our services include, but are not limited to,

hinge repair, minge repair, painting, installing smoke detectors,

fingering, repairing drywall,

fixing, baking, plumbing, hammering,

and slow dance swaying to Constant Craving by KD Lang.

But don't just take my word for it.

Listen to all these satisfied customers.

She was thorough.

Very thorough.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. So thorough.

Hire-a-Lesbian ruined my life.

House looks great, though.

Hire-a-Lez today. Satisfaction guaranteed.

(KNOCKS) Honey! Can I come back in?

Are you guys watching the cricket?

What's the score?

VOICEOVER: She was a regular woman, dealt a life-altering diagnosis.

You've contracted early onset Karen.

This is The Life of a Karen.

Oh!

Our Karen now finds herself here, the Karen clinic.

This is perfect for you. Is it?

Yeah. They've got Fox News running all day.

It is freezing in here. Well, hello, ladies.

Welcome to the Karen clinic. How can I help you today?

I'd like you to explain why it's colder than a witch's tit in here.

It's my auntie.

She's been diagnosed with early onset Karen.

I understand. We have a lot of ladies like her here.

The doctor says it's terminal,

and I really want to take care of her myself.

It's just been really hard.

You're doing a fantastic job. Well done.

It's not easy.

Hi, I'm Dr Madison Emerson Addison.

What a horrible name. Poor bitch.

How do you feel about a little look around?

What we're finding is,

these days more and more of our loved ones are becoming Karens.

It's why we built this amazing state of the art facility.

So these middle aged white women have somewhere to go

to complain and argue and just be angry, free range.

Hey! Why are you so loud?

You're causing noise pollution.

Sorry. There's this frightful woman. I'm gonna phone the council.

This is nonsense.

Yeah, I've got someone here with a terrible haircut and a moose knuckle.

I'm filming you. I'm watching you. This is going on the internet.

I have to get off the phone. I need to record something.

Don't worry about it. We have expert staff

that intercept every call on the property.

This is our telephone interception reception,

where we take all of our calls.

These guys will role play any complaint line,

from local council to police to the shopping centre.

Hello. This is your...husband speaking.

I'm an arsehole? Tell me more.

This is incredible.

What do you think?

Listen, I found your secret stash of Kit-Kats in the garage,

you filthy truffle pig.

Yes, I am a truffle pig.

I'm putting you back on the 5-2 diet.

I know what's good for your health.

I'll get a salad next time.

You're just like your father.

She is doing really well.

What I'm most proud of is our rehabilitation program.

All right, everybody ready?

A young person on a bike... on the grass.

How does this make you feel? I'm...fine.

A Jeep parking too close to your Rav4.

No. N-no big...deal.

Your niece turning up to a Christmas lunch

with her chuzzies hanging out.

Oh.

SLUT! Yes.

It's a family event. Put some clothes on.

We can see what you had for breakfast!

That is inappropriate.

OK. That is inappropriate.

Tits. No-one else is dressed like that.

It's Christmas. Calm.

You can see her breasts...

That is an appropriate. Warning.

Whore!

Not again! It's inappropriate.

No, no, no!

In with the breath...

..out with needing to see the manager.

(GENTLE MUSIC)

I really don't know if I'm ready to let her go.

Like, what if she hates it here?

Well, then she'll complain.

That should really cheer her up.

Look, she's already settling in.

Thank you, doctor.

Of course.

(APPLAUSE)

Do you know what I find fascinating? The female form.

The woman's body is just such a mysterious place, isn't it?

And I think when you talk to men, it just really brings home

how little you fucking know about stuff.

I talk to my brother and some of my male friends -

very little, but I do.

And I say to them, "What do you know about the female form?"

And they go, "It can grow a baby.

"And it gets very aggressive

"when it gets its period."

Well, I've got news for you boys. Wait till it stops.

You might get five minutes a day of clarity,

and the rest of the time is "fuck you" time.

OK, but at least... at least science is on board,

and they've provided us with HRT patches.

Are you familiar with HRT patches? Yes.

So you get this little patch and it's got oestrogen.

You put it on you, and then when someone comes up to you

and they say some unnecessary shit,

or they look at you or, you know,

they breathe like... (BREATHES HEAVILY)

And then that patch goes, "Oh, no, she needs oestrogen!

"Give it to her now!"

Sometimes it's not enough

and you have to rip it off and chew it a bit.

But then we had the nightmare

where globally there was a HRT shortage last year

where we could not get the patches.

Only women my age and up

knew how many times a day your life was in danger.

I go to my doctor, I go, "Do we have patches yet?

"Is it back?"

And she goes, "No, but I do have Viagra."

Wouldn't you take Viagra if Viagra couldn't tell the difference

between a penis and a breast? Wouldn't you?

If you go, "You know what? I'm going out on Saturday.

"I don't want to wear a bra."

And then you pop two Viagras and both your tits just...poof!

Yeah. Of course, once you're over the age of 50,

you walk into a room like you're in a zombie film.

(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

Morning, detective.

So, I hear you've got yourself a new partner.

Yeah, some hot shot from the city.

Detective Biggs or something.

THE Detective Biggs?

Oh, she brought down the Mendez cartel.

They say she's brilliant but unconventional.

Much like this case. That's the truth.

Move, nut sack! Shit. Sorry.

You must be Detective Biggs.

And you must be in my way.

Get new batteries for my neck fan.

I'm melting over here. You're sweating.

It's like 3 degrees Celsius.

Yeah, it's a scorcher today.

Deceased is a male. Thank Christ.

32 years old. Time of death, 11:30pm last night.

Looks to be death by a sharp object.

Probably that axe.

Well, well, well, the only thing sharper than this axe is you,

Detective Obvious.

Must've been top of your class at police college, eh?

Hm. Washing's folded. That's weird.

Typical.

At this stage, motive remains unclear.

Is it?

You got a theory? Yeah, I have one or two.

Maybe the victim was really fucking annoying

and just kept droning on and on and on.

It's hardly a motive for murder. Oh, it is.

It just doesn't make any sense.

Look, I know it must be hard to multitask,

what with breathing, blinking and keeping your mouth shut,

but there was clearly a struggle, and with another man.

You can't know that. There's no DNA evidence.

Oh, there's DNA evidence. Look at this.

A whole pile of washing, folded but not packed away.

Only a man would get this deep into a task and not complete.

The towel on the door. This is not where it goes.

It's supposed to be in the bathroom.

Only a man would hang it here and go,

"This is helpful."

My God.

You smell that?

Oh, yeah. Fresh skid marks, just as I suspected.

Someone's had a poop and didn't use the brush.

And then they just put the fan on and didn't spray.

You need to spray! If you don't spray,

you can literally taste the shit in this bathroom. Bleh!

Classic male behaviour.

Wow. Stop breathing.

Can you hear that? (HEAVY BREATHING)

Someone's breathing like a foghorn.

It's getting on my tits so bad.

(HEAVY BREATHING)

The killer's still here. They can't be.

We searched the whole house. There's no-one here.

Yeah.

(HEAVY BREATHING)

There he is. Come and get him, boys.

Let me guess.

You had a bit of a man look.

That was beautiful to watch. I bet you like to watch.

Maybe. Wanna go for a drink sometime?

Me and you? Yeah.

Uh, no, thanks.

As soon as you asked me, my vagina just went, "Hhh..."

My God, she's good.

(FUNKY MUSIC)

(SINGS) # Optimise your life! #

Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Optimise Your Life.

Now, last episode, I was lucky enough to interview

the author of The Let Them Theory. Incredible interview.

Check it out if you haven't already.

But that book has already sparked a new wave of self-help books,

and my next guest is the latest to jump on that craze.

Ur-zy-la Carlson. Am I saying that right? Carlson?

Yeah. Welcome to the show.

Thank you so much for sharing space with me

and giving us some of your wisdom.

Can I just say... Sorry.

..that I think self-help books are bullshit?

Sorry. You can just sit back from the mic.

You can just sit naturally like that and it picks it up.

So your book was inspired by The Let Them Theory, wasn't it?

If by 'inspired' you mean 'hated every moment of it', yeah.

Wow. OK. Can you speak to that?

I'm saying The Let Them Theory

is putting a bitch back by about 90 years,

because we've been training these junior bitches up,

saying, "Hey, stand up for yourself." Mmm.

Now this book goes, "No. Someone's mean to you. Let them."

"Your kids are out of control. Let them."

"At work, they're being suck-arses.

"Let them, let them, let them, let them."

I'm not about that life. Wow. Fascinating.

Fascinating. Now, tell us about your book.

What is it called?

Uh, my book is called

Headbutt A Motherfucker In The Mouth.

Yeah. OK. There is an evocative title, isn't it?

And 'let' is not in there. No, it's not. Wow.

Can I have a little hold of that? Yeah.

There she is.

Break down the theory for us. How does it work?

Well, it's quite simple. You're out,

you identify a mofo in the wild,

and you headbutt them right in their stupid mouth.

So give me some examples, then,

of how I could implement the HAMFITM theory

in my day to day life.

You're in a coffee shop. Mm.

The person in front of you takes ages to order.

Hate it. OK. There's a queue behind. Right?

So now you've identified them as a mofo.

Just pull your head right back

and you headbutt them straight in their mouth.

Wow. You know, it's provocative,

but yet very simple.

This must have taken you quite a long time to write.

Yeah, a better part of three hours. Three hours? A day?

No, no, three hours.

I mean, the back of it, there's 182 pages of photos...

Oh, so there is. ..of all the motherfuckers

that I've headbutted in the mouth.

Can we break down this moment here?

Oh, that's Crystal. That's my neighbour Crystal and her dog Otto.

Oh. I had to headbutt her in the mouth

because she kept putting shitty nappies in my bin.

And I think the thing that made me so angry

is she doesn't have a kid.

Now, Ur-zy-la, I obviously didn't want to have to bring this up,

but you will be aware, obviously,

that the London-based writer Harriet Twipple has made claims

that you have stolen her idea from her book.

Uh, Flick A Bitch On The Tits.

Do you want to respond to that?

No, I don't, because I clearly didn't.

One is about flicking tits, so it's not the same.

OK, so you deny that you were inspired?

You and Harriet can eat my arsehole.

Well, I'm just starting to feel - ah! -

a lot of aggression coming my way, so I'm just gonna wrap us up.

This has been another fascinating episode of

(SINGS) # Optimise Your Life! #

Can I just have my book back? You can have your book.

Oh, God!

(SLAPS) (SCREAMS)

(GASPS)

# Optimise Your Life! #

(APPLAUSE)

Um, I don't know how to tell you guys this,

but I'm single now. I know.

(SCATTERED CHEERS) I know, I know.

I know. Some of you would have been following me for a while and go,

(WHISPERS) "I thought she was married."

(WHISPERS) I was, but I found a way out.

(LAUGHTER)

Turns out it's not a hostage situation.

You can leave.

It costs slightly more than the wedding,

but fuck, is it worth it. But you know what?

'Cause we're lesbians, so we're still best friends, right?

We actually still lived together for a few years,

and then we finally got divorced, and I did re-partner,

but I had to break up with her. Because you know what?

She's one of those people who like to shower together.

And I don't like that.

I don't like that at all. I tell you what,

apart from the fact that you don't wash your arsehole

the way you're supposed to when you're in the shower with someone.

Well, you don't. You're in there with someone.

You just take half a squirt of shower... That's it.

And that's it. When you're in there by yourself...

You got to wash that thing properly. Goes through a lot of shit.

But also, I didn't want to be with her anymore

because of the shower thing,

'cause I've got a little corner shower.

You know, one of those little triangular ones

with the curved doors that when you open it,

it only opens that wide.

I need a run-up and a prayer to get into that shower in the first place.

And it's got a dome on it to keep the moisture in.

'Cause if you don't, I live in Auckland,

you can hear your clothes moulding in the cupboard.

So I'm like, no.

And I was there the day the guy put it in.

It said, "Shower for one person." So we're already breaking the rules

with the two of us being in there. And it wouldn't be so bad,

but she's one of those annoying adults

who like to wash her feet,

and you don't need to wash your feet.

You're an adult. What, are you running barefoot through the paddock?

You're fine. Just squirt a bit of shower gel on the one foot

and the other foot can do that and that.

But no, she's up there lathering up a face cloth.

"Really? So how was your day?"

"Oh, so you enjoyed that?"

Guess what's happening with me while she's doing that?

I'm plastered against that curved door.

And because it's curved, the one tit is up here

and the other tit is down here,

and my possum is trying to escape through the crack in the door.

You know what's my biggest worry? 'Cause I have children,

so you know one of them's gonna come in and ask me something stupid,

like, "Do bunnies have knees?"

and then they see me and they...

(SCREAMS)

WOMAN: (ON PHONE) I can't believe you're 49.

How was your birthday?

No, I told you, I had the best birthday ever.

Any cheeky pressies?

The best. I got the best pressies.

And then I got this invite to what I assume is an orgy -

I can't really put my finger on it -

in a church or something? Oh, you saucy minx.

Tell you what, they say 49, I say forty-fine.

We are here today to mourn the loss of Urzila Carlson's cougar years.

What the hell? This looks like a terrible orgy.

I've been coerced.

Please.

Like so many horny women before her,

Urzila became a cougar on her 40th birthday,

when she entered her sexual prime.

But today, on her 49th birthday, that cougar is officially deceased,

and she's now just some invisible middle aged lady

taking up space in the post office queue.

(SOBS)

Let's hear from some loved ones.

(FUNERAL MUSIC)

Hi, I'm Jill. I hooked up with Urzila last year.

I'm really glad I got in just in time,

right before she passed over to the other side...

..of middle age.

And I should have seen the signs, because right after we did it...

..she offered me a boiled sweet. I'm sorry, I can't.

'Cause they are soothing on your throat.

Hey, I don't think we need to listen to anyone else.

I've always found Urzila very sexy.

OK, let's hear this one out.

I'd see her walking down the street sometimes,

and as much as I hate to see her go, I love to watch her leave.

You know what I mean? Yeah.

But now she's a 49-year-old crone.

Now when I see her walking down the street,

I just worry she's gonna have a fall.

I'm not gonna have a fall. I'm still spry as hell.

(CRUNCH!) Ah!

Oh, I mean, fuck you, but thank you.

Join us now as we farewell Urzila's sexy underwear.

(SOMBRE MUSIC)

Hey, that one actually still fits.

My favourite nipple rings. My mum left me those in her will.

Now the ceremonial transition

to more age-appropriate undergarments.

In nomine patris, lingerie, sanctus.

That looks like a parachute. Why do they already smell like pot pourri?

Hey, guys! 49, but I'm still hot!

Hot flushes don't count.

I'm a swinger. Yeah, a mood swinger.

No, I'm still adventurous.

Like eating dinner after 5pm?

Hey, zip your slit.

All I'm saying is, I'm still a cougar, and I'll prove it.

I will shag any one of you right now, right here.

Who wants some of it? Come on. Here.

How about you? Eh? (GROWLS)

How about you, Father? You want it? It must be lonely in that monastery.

It's so sad when they just won't let go.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,

perky boobs to saggy bust.

ALL: We will remember her.

OK, so now that I turned 49, none of you want to do me anymore?

Oh, no. No, honey. That's just the end of your cougar years.

You've got a much more exciting era ahead of you.

What's that? Welcome, Urzila Carlson, to your...

..GILF era.

GILF, eh? Mm-hm.

And who are these? (ETHEREAL MUSIC)

(WHISPERS) Granny chasers.

I can work with that. Ladies. (APPLAUSE)

(PURRS)

Anyway, since we've started filming this,

I just got some word that the LGBTQIA+,

we've added three letters in this 27 minutes

and an exclamation mark.

And the exclamation mark is just for people

who are sick of everyone's shit.

So if you identify as an exclamation mark...

There we go.

We've got a brand new member in the front here.

We'll add you to the email group. Thank you.

You have been amazing. Goodnight!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Honestly, you knew we were going to use your car,

and this is what you leave in it?

Imagine what you took out.

Common.

How dare you?

Hi, ladies. Welcome to the Karen... Ohh! (BLEEP)

Have we started yet? MAN: Oh, yeah. Sorry.

I was like, oh, my God! I'm like, "Why is everyone looking at us?"

I bet you like to watch.

Now give me that.

My mouth's drier than a dead dingo's donger. (LAUGHS)

I knew I couldn't do it. I tried.

Hello, everyone, and welcome back to Optimise... (LAUGHS)

I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it.

Please do it!

Optimise Your...

Three, two...

# Optimise Your Life! #

It's not me, it's Urzila.

Break that moment down for me,

The moment that you saw Crystal putting these nappies into your bin.

I think the thing that made me so angry about Crystal is

I know she doesn't have a baby. Where's the nappies coming from?

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation