All language subtitles for Twenty.Twenty.Six.S01E04.Mattheas.Sivori.-.Wooden.Condoms.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-RAWR_track3_[eng]

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ITALIAN COMMENTARY

Gol!
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Wooden condoms
and biodegradable...

Wooden condoms?!
Wooden condoms

and biodegradable...
Wooden condoms?!

Wooden condoms
and biodegradable...

Wooden condoms?!
Wooden condoms

and biodegradable...
Wooden...?!

OK, so at the moment we have
a million views already.

Right. Great.

Another Monday morning

at 2026 Oversight Headquarters
in Miami,

and Director of Integrity
Ian Fletcher

is chairing a meeting

of the Strategic Operations
Group, or SOG.

Wooden condoms...

So, my correction
was immediate, right?

Like, it's right there
for anyone to see.

But, of course, no-one's
interested in that. Of course.

Sure.
They're not interested in it.

Actually, Gabriela,
could we just...?

Sure.
Wooden condoms?!

Sorry, Sarah.
Sure. No. Thank you.

Thank you, Ian.

No-one is interested
in the real issues here.

They'd rather laugh
at a three-second clip

on their phones. Yes.

Meanwhile, polar bears
are running out of ice

to actually sit on.

Yes. Exactly so.

And in this way,
we are all polar bears. Yes?

Yes. I mean...
This is our global mission,

together, in football.

Yes.
Good to know.

100%.
Yeah, right.

There's been a lively
response over the weekend

to Sarah's appearance
on a podcast

to promote
2026's sustainability agenda.

Right, so, I mean, Gabriela...

Sure. ..from an optics
and narrative perspective...

Si. What's the...?
OK, so right now we have

calls from three
major US networks

who want to do an interview
with the Wooden Condoms Girl.

Right. OK...

Three.
The Wooden Condoms Girl?

Exactly. Jesus.
Well... So...

Just saying, guys,
I'd totally watch that.

Right. I mean,
you'd kind of have to, wouldn't you?

100%.
Exactly. That's my point.

OK, so before
this goes any further...

Thank you. Emily,
you are a wonder to behold.

Sure.
Right. OK, good.

So, Sarah... Sure.

Before this goes any further,
I just want to be clear,

so I'm not
the Wooden Condoms Girl, right?

No, obviously.
Exactly.

That's not who I am.
No, I mean, of course not.

You are VP Sustainability
and Climate Strategy.

Yes?
Right. Absolutely.

Bueno. So the story here is,
what we are saying,

2026 is going to be

the best thing ever
for the planet.

Yes? Right.

Yeah, uh... Really?

Absolutely. OK.

So now you have a platform.
You have millions

of people looking at you.
Right...

Millions, yes?

Yes.
This is a dream scenario, no?

Absolutely.

Right, OK,
just to check, Sarah,

that you're happy with the idea

of Gabriela engaging
with one of the networks

about this?

Sure.
Right, OK.

Well, I think
that sounds like a...

Sure.
...sounds like a plan, then.

Absolutely.

Mattheas Sivori.
OK.

Like, this totally random

German website
actually just named him.

Yes.
Like, they say they have proof.

Meanwhile,
it's mid-morning,

and in the social media space,
something has happened.

News has dropped

in a post from a prominent
LGBTQIA campaign group

that one of the hottest
young talents

in world football
is about to come out as gay.

So this is getting a lot of
heat on social media right now.

Sure. Right.
Like #ChangeTheGame, right?

Right. Yes.

Wow, like,
this is literally insane. Right.

With a campaign already
launched on social media,

#ChangeTheGame,

everyone is aware
of the potential challenges

this could present BLEEP

from an optics and narrative
point of view.

Right, so change the game...

Right.
So basically they're like,

"6% of men in Western cultures
identify as gay."

Right. Sure. 6%?
Right.

So, where are they getting
that figure from?

So I think that is, like, research.

Right. Totally.
Yeah. Right, right, right.

Right, so, for 2026,
that means,

like, we don't know what the
actual number here is, right?

Well, OK...
The number is huge, OK?

Right.
It's a huge number.

OK, well, we have
48 teams competing, right?

Let's say they each bring
a squad of...25 players, Phil?

26. 26, right.

26-man squad, yeah.

So that's 26 person?

What? Well, no, hang on.

OK. So that adds up to... around
1,250 players.

Right.

OK, so if the 6%
figure is correct,

we're looking at around

75 gay players here.
Right.

75, exactly, yes. It's huge.

I mean,
that's like three whole teams.

Whoa.
Yes, well, I mean...

Yeah, three teams.
That's just, like, mental.

Yes.
Right. So the point is,

where are those players
right now? Right? Like,

they're literally invisible.
Yes.

Yeah, beats me. Where are they?
Right.

So we change the game.
It's like,

"We're done with that," right?
Like, "It's time."

Right.
This could be the moment.

Well, yes. Obviously we...
So, guys,

what we do here
is we control this, yes?

We get a statement
out there now.

Right, but...
No, but right now.

Like now. Yes? Yes.

You want to know where we are
here if we get this wrong?

Well... I'll tell you where we are
if we get this wrong.

At the moment,
we don't even know

if any of this shit is true, right?

Well, actually, yes.
Excuse me?

I mean, I suppose that's a point.
It's literally out there

on social media.

We put a statement out there,
we end up accidentally

outing a guy here
who turns out to be straight.

No, no esto es una catastrofe.

So, legally, Nick...
Legally?

Your advice here would be...?

Legally, my advice is,
are we fucking insane?

Right.

Honestly, I don't know.
Are we?

I mean, I've never actually had
one of these before.

Right. Well, then you haven't lived,
right? Right.

Meanwhile, it's the end

of what could be
a significant day for Ian,

and perhaps for Sarah as well.

So there's some milk in here.

Right. And some cheese
and grapes and...

Oh!
Right. So I just put

a few things in there
in case you needed them.

Oh, well, I mean, that's...

He has decided to take up
the offer of her apartment to rent,

and finally move out
of his hotel.

Like I say,
like, with the air conditioning

or anything else you need to
know, you can call me any time.

Yes. Thank you.
Sure.

OK. Well...
Right. Yes.

So I hope
you'll be happy here.

Oh, well, thank you.

I mean, I'll certainly
give it a shot anyway. Right.

Oh, and thanks for coming
over, you know, specially,

and showing me.
Of course.

I mean, I know how busy
things are at the moment.

Right. I mean, I would invite you
to stay for a coffee... Right.

Or, you know, tea,
or cheese and grapes.

You know...
But, I mean, it's your apartment,

after all, so it feels a bit...

You know, I'd love to,

but, I-I don't know,
I guess I better...

Right.

No rest for the Wooden
Condoms Girl, right?

Yes. I mean,
for what it's worth,

I'm sure that'll work out OK
in the end.

Sure.

It's not easy, right?

Yes. What? What isn't?

This.

All of it. Everything. It...

No.
This is not easy.

Yes.

No, so, anyway, I mean,
this is really...

You know, thank you.

Sure.

"BLEEP wholly supports
any player's right

"to live a life
that is true to themselves.

"Football is a game
for everyone.

"The 2026 tournament
is a gender-neutral space,

"and we are proud
to encourage, promote

"and celebrate diversity,

"equality and inclusion
on the world stage."

Right. OK. Thanks, Gabriela.

Sure.
And, Madison, I know

your team's been working hard
on this.

Right. Really?

Good job, guys.
Exactly. It's perfect.

Meanwhile, it's Tuesday,

and with a campaign
across social media

rapidly gaining pace
to make 2026

the moment when
any and all gay footballers

finally come out
of their changing rooms,

the pressure is on for BLEEP
to release a statement

that puts them
ahead of the game

in one of the most culturally
sensitive areas on Earth.

I mean, Eric, I know you've
been in contact with Zurich

about this.
Well, so first of all,

I'm sorry not to be with you

in what I believe
we can call "the flesh",

but perhaps in the end,

we are all where we are
in life, yes?

Yes. Yeah, right. 100%.

And in order
to complicate things further,

BLEEP Chief Coordinating
Attache Eric Van Dupuytrens

is on his way to the airport
to fly to Rome,

where BLEEP President
BLEEP Infan BLEEP

is due to be meeting

Pope Leo the BLEEPteenth
in the morning.

Then we can say that
if we are all gay today, yes?

Yes, I mean...
Each of us in our own way,

of course... Yes.

...then the Pope, uh
how shall I put this?

Perhaps not quite so much.
Right. No.

OK, I'm going to ask this.

He... He's meeting the Pope?
Ah, yes, yes.

I mean, what the fuck?
Well,

so they are old friends,
of course.

He's friends with the Pope?!
OK, well...

The president has many friends.
He's a very friendly man.

Fuck's sake.
Right. But, Eric,

to get into the nuts and bolts
of this,

so it's the words "gender"
and "neutral"

we're talking about here.
Well, in a way, yes.

No way. Those are the words
Zurich has a problem with?

No, no, no, no, no,

no-one has the problem
with this.

The suggestion is simply

that we replace
the word gender and neutral

by the single word "safe".

Right. OK.

Safe?
As in, "The 2026 tournament

"is a safe space."
No way.

Exactly so.
Just to say,

guys, sounds good to me.
No way, right?

And that is all.

Like, this is not OK.

Bueno, que saben de palabras
en Zurich? No saben nada.

Yes, so this is a very complex,
very nuanced issue, clearly.

Yeah, right.
But crucially, Eric,

we need to get something
out there

before the audience with
the Pope tomorrow morning.

AUDIO CRACKLES

Oh, right. OK.

So I think he's dropped out.
Yes. Yes, he has.

Anyway,
whilst that's happening,

this is something
we cannot afford to get wrong.

Yeah.
In fact, even more than that,

we absolutely
have to get it right.

Yeah. I've been trying
to imagine that.

It's not easy. OK.

So legally,
I'd say we're good

with "safe space", right?
Right.

No way.
Because it doesn't mean anything.

What?
Whereas gender neutral...

What can I tell you? I mean,
you're pretty much looking

at a tornado of shit
right from the get-go there.

Right. Well...
You literally cannot do this.

OK, well, great,
if shit is your thing...

Right. OK.

I mean, this is a great story.

I can tell you there's a lot
of interest in it already.

Absolutely.
Really, it's super exciting.

Absolutely.
Meanwhile,

Sarah is on a Zoom call with
news producer Rachel McKinney,

assistant editor of CNC's

prestigious daily
World News Tonight.

So, at the moment,
we have you

as second item out of the news,

but that could change.
Right.

Obviously we'll make sure
we keep you posted. Great.

During the morning,
it's become clear

that her live interview
about the wooden condom story

is going to be later today,
as in later today.

So could I just check
with you...?

Sure.

So this may be
a stupid question.

No, really, no, anything.
So is this camera OK?

Your computer camera?
I mean,

it's fine for this, obviously,
but for network TV...

Oh, OK.

Like, I'm not gonna need
make-up or any special...?

No, no, no, really.
So, honestly, I mean,

you could even wear exactly
what you're wearing right now.

Right.
Really, I'm not joking.

Great. So... Uh...

OK, so that is what
you're going to be wearing.

Right! Well...

No, that's great, Sarah.

Like, I just came to work
this morning...

It's perfect. Right.

Really, honestly.
You can relax.

Great.

Oh, my God.
PHONES VIBRATE

Right. No way.

Oh, my God, oh, my God!
Jesus. What now?

Oh, right. OK.
Right. Yeah.

Like, no way.

Back
in the meeting room, meanwhile,

the Mattheas Sivori story
is developing by the minute.

His management team
have just posted

a post on social media.

"Whilst Mattheas is proud
to be a supporter

"of the LGBTQIA+ community,

"he categorically denies
any suggestion

"that he himself is gay.

"And anyone who gives credence
to this suggestion in any way,

"directly or indirectly,
can expect immediate,

"robust and conclusive
legal consequences."

Right.
They literally cannot do this.

They think about the brand
here, yes?

You know what, guys? I had
a feeling this might happen.

Like fuck you did, Phil.

Yes. Well, anyway, it has.
Exactly. Bueno.

I mean, at least we know where
we are now, so that's all good.

Well, yeah, right.

Will.
Oh, yeah, hey. Yeah.

What? Yeah, I was going
to bring your coffee in.

OK. Right. Yeah.

Well, thank you, obviously.
Yeah. No worries.

But the meeting's
actually finished now. OK.

I'm just going to
make myself one.

OK. Yeah. No worries.
Yeah. Crap.

In the meantime, Ian has
found Will in the kitchen.

Are you looking for something?

Yeah, do you know
where the ashwagandha tea is?

Ashwagandha tea?
Yes.

Even though
he's Ian's assistant,

it seems he's gone off-piste

and offered to make
a cup of tea for Sarah.

Yeah, cos apparently
it's really calming.

Oh, well, that's good of you.
Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I think Sarah's
got quite a lot on today.

Yeah.
You know, with the interview

and everything.
Yeah. No. Yeah, Mattheas Sivori.

What?
I know, yeah, mental, yeah.

No, no,
it's not about Mattheas Sivori.

OK.
No, it's about...

Actually, it doesn't matter
what it's about.

But in any case, no,
I think a cup of tea would...

MACHINE WHIRS

Oh, my God. Sarah.

So I am thinking
a little shape here.

Maybe a little life, yes?

Right... OK...

And with the face, I don't
know, just a little definition,

a little sunshine, maybe.
Sunshine?

Huh.

Meanwhile, thanks to
a brilliant idea of Gabriela's,

renowned Miami
hair and make-up visionary

and spiritual guidance
counsellor

Eduardo Bustos-Flores
has arrived,

literally out of nowhere,

to work with Sarah
ahead of her live TV interview.

I mean, you're sure
there's time for this, Eduardo?

OK... Yeah,

are you sure there's time
for this, Eduardo?

Sara, there is time
for everything in life, yes?

A time to weep,
a time to heal,

a time to dance.

Right. OK.

So today, on this day,
we make a choice.

We choose to dance. Yes?

Sure. OK.

Great.
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!
Come to me.

What can I say?
Thank you for doing this.

Sin ti no puedo vivir mi vida.

No, no, no!
THEY CHUCKLE

So, everything is good now, yes?

Yeah, uh... Sure.

What did I tell you?
Absolutely.

So, I have just spoken
with Rachel at CNC.

OK.
They would like you in place

and ready at six o'clock.
OK.

Just to make sure
everything is OK technically.

Sure.
Just because it's live.

So, you know,
nothing can go wrong.

Absolutely. No.

Oh. Hey, Ian.

Yes, hi. How's it all going?

Yeah, um...
Everything is good.

Absolutely.

Sure. So, Ian, this is Eduardo.

Right. Hello.

He is a genius.

Good. Gabriela, I was wondering
if you had a moment.

OK, sure.

What, now? Yes.

OK. Bueno.

OK. What's happening here?

OK, so what's happening is

she's going to look
sensacional.

Yes, I'm sure she is.
But you realise what's coming

towards us here.
What are you saying to me?

This is a live interview, right?

Yes, absolutely live, yes.

Yes. So she's going to get
asked about Mattheas Sivori.

No. No, she is.

This interview
is about sustainability

and climate strategy, yes?
And we prepare for this.

Exactly, that's my point.
Whereas the truth is,

Sarah's going to get asked
about BLEEP's position

on gay footballers in 2026,
live on network TV.

No.
And at the moment,

we have no real idea
what that position is.

It's the Wooden Condoms Girl, yes?

I have this from the producer,

like I actually spoke with her
earlier.

She gave me her word.

Right. And you believed her?
Excuse me?

A news producer, producing
a live network news show today,

just at the moment
when a story like this

is breaking worldwide.

OK.

OK.

Except maybe I would like
to change what you're wearing

because I'm not...
OK.

OK. OK.

SHE SCOFFS
No mames,

pero es que eso yo tampoco
puedo hacer todo, la neta.

"BLEEP strongly opposes
all forms of intrusion

"into any player's
private life.

"The 2026 Tournament is
a safe space..."

This is a day on which
things are moving fast.

In light of his management
team's assertion

that Mattheas Sivori
is not legally gay,

the Oversight team has been
working on a new statement

to get ahead
of a different narrative.

"Diversity, equality and
inclusion on the world stage."

Right. Good. Thanks, Gabriela,

and again to Madison,
for turning this round so fast.

Sure.
OK, so can I just say

that this is not OK?

OK, so we talked about this, yes?

I mean, Emily, I don't know if
Eric's with us at the moment.

So, I think Eric is in a tunnel.
Right, OK.

Yeah, let's hope.
I mean,

so just to bring everybody
up to speed...

And if they thought
they were under pressure already,

there's suddenly
a whole new urgency,

with time now ticking down
towards a hard stop,

much closer to the present
than anyone realised.

OK, so Sarah will be asked
about Mattheas Sivori

in the World News Tonight
interview.

Sarah? Yes.
Exactly. Great.

So then we have
a game plan here, yes?

A game plan?
Have we?

We have the statement, yes,
we're good to go.

And Sarah is at her computer
for the interview,

she can have it right there

on the screen. Right.

Actually,
this is a perfect plan.

But at the moment,
we don't know which statement

we're actually going with.
Excuse me? Right.

Like, this is so wrong.

I mean... OK, you want to know where
we are here?

Well...
I'll tell you where we are.

So we need to establish which
way this guy swings before

we put out any statement.
Right.

OK, so you literally
cannot say that.

Meanwhile, it looks like
BLEEP Chief Liaison Officer

Eric Van Dupuytrens
has come out of his tunnel

and emerged at the airport.

So, I have been in contact
with Zurich.

Great.
They have looked

at both versions.
Well, good,

because we need a decision
here.

Exactly so.
So then, in football,

we know that, uh,
we all have feet. Yes?

So, then,
if you play with the left foot

or with the right foot,

in this game,
we are all equal on the pitch.

Yes? But, at the same moment,
uh, we can say that we...

With social media
in meltdown

and an hour to go before
Sarah's live CNC interview,

it's crucial
that everybody is clear

about which statement
they're finally finalising.

So, in the end, we can say

the feeling in the room
is, at this moment,

we are going
with statement number...

...because...

Right... Great.

So this will be the signal.
Yes.

Wait. No.

...ing... or...

...uh, but al...

...uh...

...contr... uh... especially
the view of...

...Vatican... but...
I believe... join... shortly.

Sorry... sorry, Eric,
we lost you for a moment there.

Could you just say that again?

AUDIO BREAKS UP
Eric?

Oh, my God. No.

So this will be
the signal again.

Did he just say the Vatican?
Yes.

Yeah, he did, yeah.
No, no, no.

As in, "The Vatican,
who will be joining us shortly"?

OK, so this is not good.

Al nopal solo se le arriman
cuando tiene tunas, no?

Yeah, without a doubt.

Si.

So another idea we had...

We've been working
with the FAA on this.

Sure.
We have aircraft fly

20% slower on flights
between host cities

for the duration
of the tournament.

Yeah, I remember that.

Thereby saving 20% of fuel
on every scheduled flight.

Yeah.

Meanwhile, VP Logistics
and Execution Owen Mitchell

is workshopping ideas
with Sarah

ahead of the World News Tonight
interview at six o'clock.

I mean,
in terms of carbon emissions,

that's a major step
on the journey

to carbon neutrality
right there, right?

Yeah. So as I recall,
the issue with that is

that it doesn't work. OK.

It actually uses more fuel
to fly slower.

OK, so we have them fly
20% faster.

Yeah. It turns out,
in terms of fuel economy,

they're pretty much flying
at the correct speed already.

OK. Do you know,
maybe you're looking

in the wrong direction here.
The wrong direction?

Yeah, uh...

A lot of people I talk to is
like, "What is carbon?"

Nobody knows, we cannot say.

Well, you know,
we kind of do know, actually.

Whereas, did you know,

the average cow in the US
produces 200lb of methane

every year, just by farting.
Yeah.

Right. That's so true.

Even a child knows
what that is. Absolutely.

Actually,
I believe it's mainly belching,

but that's a detail.

Either way,
there you have something.

Everybody can relate to this.

Well, so maybe we should go
methane neutral, then.

Methane neutral?

There you go.
Oh, my gosh.

Right, so just to clarify
right away,

that was a joke, right?

Oh, my gosh.

No, no, no. We are in
agreement, va bene, for sure.

But we would propose

a small modification
to the wording.

Una modifica alla formulazione? Si.

Back in the meeting room,

there's been a new development.

The team has been joined

by the Vatican's Lead
Communications Officer,

Father Pietro Longhi, in Rome.

Si, ma poi hanno avuto fortuna
con il rigore.

Yes, perhaps if we could drop
back into English now.

Of course, yes.
Given the urgency here.

Si va bene, tutto va bene.

Yeah. So, hi, Father.
Pietro, please.

Hi. Nick Castellano,
VP Business and Legal.

Yes, of course.
Do you want to walk us through

any changes you want to make
with this?

OK.
First of all, I want to say

that I am not aware of this.
This is not agreed.

Well, shall we just...?

There are now just
20 minutes left before the moment

when Sarah will be announcing

BLEEP's position on gay
footballers live to the world.

Even though
she doesn't realise that yet,

and no-one knows what it is.

...the phrase, "We are
proud to promote the diversity,

"equality and inclusion
on the world stage"...

Sure. No way.
...we would propose,

"pleased to celebrate",
in place of "proud to promote".

OK.
It's a small thing.

Sure.
Like, they cannot change that.

Look, I'm afraid we...

I'm sorry to say that
"proud" and "promote" are

problematic for us.
It's perfect.

It's the same.
This is not OK.

I cannot say
what Zurich will make of this.

Of course. Nevertheless,

we would propose this
in any case.

Look, I'm sorry, but the truth is,
we don't have time for this now.

I'm just catching up here,
but did I miss something,

or is this a lot worse
than I thought?

So there is life here now.
Lightness. Freedom.

Sure.
You're sure this dress is OK?

OK?
Yeah, I don't know,

I don't want to look...

Sara, don't be scared
of who you are.

Huh.
I feel this with you.

Well, let's hope
these don't spoil the effect...

No! ..anyway.

Oh, I guess I should have...

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Eduardo...

After everything
we've been through?

No.

Please?

Please.
You cannot do this. You cannot.

Meanwhile, Sarah's
transformation at the hands

of hairdressing genius
Eduardo Bustos-Flores

is literally coming
to some kind of head.

No!
SNAP!

Er...

Yes?
Yeah, hi. Yeah.

Yeah, so I couldn't find
the tea you said.

Ashwagandha.
Yes, say again? Yeah, cool, yeah.

So I went out to,
like, a shop to get some.

Oh, my gosh, Will.

Well, yeah, no worries. Yeah.

That is so sweet of you.
Yeah, cool, yeah, no worries.

Yeah. Cool. Oh, my gosh.

Do those things work

with this computer?
Yeah, say again?

Those ear things, do they work
with this computer?

Well, yeah, I dunno, yeah.

DANCE MUSIC

CHATTER

There are now
12 minutes left

until Sarah's CNC interview,
but in the meeting room,

the narrative has changed
yet again.

Right, OK.
Oh, my God.

Looks like he's having fun.

A clip of Mattheas Sivori has
just surfaced on social media.

OK, so apparently
this is, like, a club in Berlin.

Ah, yes, Berlin.

Ah. Si, Berlin, naturalmente.

OK, so, guys, so the goalposts
just moved again.

Right. 100%.

So now we don't know
which way we're playing, yes?

Well, we go back to the first
statement here, right?

Right, so...
Wait, there's another statement?

So we really need
to decide this.

So I should probably say

we have some problem
with statement A.

So I will also need sign-off
from Zurich on this.

We can't... Jesus Christ!

Forgive me, Father. Sure.

So his management team is now
saying this shit is deepfake.

Deepfake?! OK, OK, OK.

Yeah, like, of course
they are.

OK. So then we go
with the second statement.

The second statement? No way.
So, just to say,

my flight to Rome
is now being called.

Everyone?
OK, no, it is worse than I thought.

You want to know
how bad this is?

Actually, it's simple - we just
need to decide what to do here!

It's too late, I'm afraid,
we've run out of time.

Coming up, we'll be talking
to the woman in control

of Sustainability
and Climate Strategy

for the 2026 soccer tournament.

Otherwise known
as the Wooden Condoms Girl.

Right!
Could be interesting.

Could be interesting, right.
Right.

And if you don't know why,
stay with us.

With moments to go
now until Sarah's interview,

the young social media team
have been enlisted

to encourage her computer
to talk to Will's earbuds.

Another big soccer story
breaking today too.

Right.
The world-famous player

who may or may not be
about to come out as gay.

Right. We'll be asking her
about all that, too, of course.

Yep. Stay with us.
We'll be right back.

OK, it's still not showing up.
Yeah, crap.

Because this is so gonna work,
OK?

OK, so we email her
both statements... Right.

...and she can have them both
in front of her.

How the fuck
is that going to help?

Neither of them has agreed,
and we don't know which one

we're going with.
OK. OK, OK.

How long are the commercial
breaks in World News Tonight,

do we know that?
Exactly, yes. Do we know this?

Right. Great.
OK, so three minutes.

Three minutes. Yeah.
OK. Right.

OK. Try this.

OK...
Everything is good.

Cool. Hi.

Hi.
Yeah, hey, yeah, I dunno.

So, Sarah, just to say...
You look fabulous, by the way.

Just to say it's all good,
we're on top of this,

and everything will be fine.

Right. OK.

So it's like
she's gone somewhere.

What? Gone somewhere?

Like in her head.
Oh, right.

Yeah, in her head, yeah.

Like nothing
you've ever seen!

So what's the plan?

Well, in essence,
I think the plan is

that someone thinks of
something brilliant

in the next two minutes
and ten seconds.

Great. Bueno.

Yeah, that ought to work.

OK, I've got an idea.

What if that day comes?

We'll be with you now
and always...

NEWS THEME TUNE PLAYS

OK, Sarah,
so we are set

and we'll be coming to you
in ten. Have fun.

Sarah, don't say anything.
It's me, Ian.

I have no idea
how they've done this,

but apparently
we can talk to you

without anybody else hearing.

I mean, just in case, you know.

So basically, it's all good.

Finally,
the moment has arrived,

and it's time for whatever
it is that's about to happen

to happen.

...and biodegradable...
Wooden condoms?!

Wooden condoms
and biodegradable...

Wooden condoms?!
Wood...

Wow, you got to love that!

And now, welcome to the
Wooden Condoms Girl herself,

Sarah Campbell. Sarah,

thank you for joining us
on World News Tonight.

Absolutely.
So I wanted to ask you,

how does it feel
to suddenly become

one of the most famous faces
on the planet?

Absolutely.

Right. Well, of course,
before we get into this

and how it happened,
we should also say that,

as VP Sustainability
and Climate Strategy,

you are one of the key people
behind the delivery

of the 2026 soccer tournament.

Absolutely. Right,

so there's a big story breaking
in the world of soccer today,

which I wanted
to ask you about first.

Sarah, trust me,
this is going to be fine.

The word is that
a world-famous soccer star

may be about to
come out as gay,

which has prompted
a huge campaign online

to make 2026 the moment

when any other players
in the world of soccer

who may also be gay,
finally come out.

I mean, I could maybe
talk you through this a bit,

if that would help.

Sarah? Absolutely.

So I wanted to ask
what the official

BLEEP position is on that.

OK, here we go.

So, as you know,
this is not really my area...

...but what I can say is...
...but what I can say is...

...regardless of any rumours...
...regardless of any rumours...

...BLEEP is committed
to recognising...

...diversity, equality
and inclusion of all kinds...

...on the world stage...
...on the world stage...

...whilst opposing
all forms of intrusion...

...whilst opposing

all forms of intrusion...
...private life.

...into any player's
private life.

Above all,
the 2026 Tournament...

And, above all,
the 2026 Tournament...

...is a safe space...

...is a safe space for players
and supporters alike.

Right. OK, so I just wanted
to touch on that first,

before we get
into the wooden condoms.

Christ, that was brilliant,
Sarah.

Absolutely. Thank you.

Somehow, having
managed to navigate her way

across the thin ice
of the Mattheas Sivori issue,

it looks as if Sarah has
made it onto solid ground

and actually hit her stride.

...meaning that this could be
the first-ever

methane-neutral event
of this size in the world.

Whoa! Wow!

First it was wooden condoms,
now it is methane neutral.

Never heard of that.
Is that even a thing?

Absolutely.
It has to be, right?

Because, you know, in the end,
soccer is just a game,

but the climate crisis is not.

That is what 2026 is about.

Well...

Our planet is in trouble, Ben.
And if one minor slip

on a podcast has allowed me
to shine a light on that,

then, you know what?
I'll take it.

Sarah Campbell,

VP Sustainability and Climate
Strategy for 2026.

And now
the Methane Neutral Girl.

Sarah,
thank you for joining us.

Absolutely.

NEWS THEME TUNE PLAYS

BELL CLANGS
CHEERING

Holy fuck!