Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,376 --> 00:00:05,290
OK, I don't know about you guys,
but I say we leave this miserable shirthole.
2
00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:07,205
No, wait, wait. Not so fast.
3
00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:10,466
Now, getting to the Good Place
is pretty tricky
4
00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:11,922
there's no train to catch.
5
00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:16,514
I have to design a complicated,
unique transportation vehicle.
6
00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:17,928
Is it Optimus Prime?
7
00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:20,643
What?
- I can't believe we get to ride a real-life
8
00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:22,474
Optimus Prime! I call right nipple!
9
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,765
That's "Shotgun" on Optimus Prime.
10
00:00:24,816 --> 00:00:28,935
Look, this vehicle, which is decidedly not
Optimus Prime...
11
00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:30,023
Aw!
12
00:00:30,072 --> 00:00:33,315
...has never been built before.
So, I'm gonna need a few days to do this.
13
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,700
Dude, we just escaped
by the skin of our teeth
14
00:00:35,744 --> 00:00:39,328
and any second now, Shawn is gonna realise
that we are not at Mindy St Clair's.
15
00:00:39,498 --> 00:00:42,912
So, whatever this magical
Good Place-mobile is
16
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,747
now's the time to whip it out, B!
17
00:00:44,795 --> 00:00:47,440
I agree. And although I believe
I've asked you this question already...
18
00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:48,875
There is no "business class."
19
00:00:49,341 --> 00:00:50,798
Michael, they're right. We gotta go.
20
00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:53,585
INTERFACE CHIMES
21
00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:55,136
Oh. Let's do...
22
00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:58,010
OK, here goes nothing. Janet, if you would?
23
00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:01,551
Aaaand presto!
24
00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:03,769
INTERFACE BUZZES
- Oops.
25
00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:05,434
Forgot to log in first.
26
00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:08,058
Gotta answer my, uh... security question.
27
00:01:08,110 --> 00:01:10,727
"What was the name of your childhood pet?"
28
00:01:11,113 --> 00:01:12,979
Korzoff... the Ten-Headed...
29
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:14,568
Dog-Spider.
30
00:01:14,616 --> 00:01:17,154
Aaaand presto!
31
00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:21,032
JASON:
Dope!
32
00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:22,830
ELEANOR:
We did it, guys.
33
00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:23,739
We won.
34
00:01:23,834 --> 00:01:25,666
We're going to the Good Place.
35
00:01:25,711 --> 00:01:27,668
In a frickin' gold balloon!
36
00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:28,578
JASON:
Shotgun!
37
00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,733
CHIDI: It's a hot air balloon,
what does that even mean?
38
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:34,296
Top of the balloon! Ultimate shotgun.
39
00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:43,718
MICHAEL:
Guys, just a reminder
40
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:46,808
I have no idea what's going to happen
once we actually
41
00:01:46,857 --> 00:01:48,564
reach the Good Place.
42
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:52,478
You know, we're trying to slip in
through a kind of side door
43
00:01:52,988 --> 00:01:54,354
and even if that works
44
00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:57,114
we have no way of knowing
if they'll let us stay.
45
00:01:57,159 --> 00:01:59,446
Of course they'll let us stay -
we're refugees.
46
00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:02,157
I mean, what kind of a messed-up place
would turn away refugees?
47
00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:03,946
Quite agree. We should get a move on.
48
00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:06,853
Obviously, if I'd known we'd be ballooning,
I would've worn a proper ballooning outfit
49
00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:08,709
but time is of the essence, so...
50
00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:11,833
MICHAEL: Tahani. Yeah, no, no, don't.
Don't touch that.
51
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,248
It's probably locked.
52
00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:15,249
It's a very complicated control system.
53
00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:18,170
I may need a few minutes
to get a handle on this.
54
00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:21,847
Why don't you all go say goodbye
to the Neighbourhood?
55
00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:24,384
Oh, then I could change into a proper
ballooning outfit!
56
00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:25,596
IN BRITISH ACCENT:
Oh, hurrah!
57
00:02:26,355 --> 00:02:27,641
Are you making fun of me?
58
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:30,272
No, I legit wanna see you in that outfit.
59
00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:31,359
Oh!
60
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,315
So many memories of this place -
61
00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:40,859
eating frozen yogurt
and then having diarrhea
62
00:02:40,911 --> 00:02:42,527
and then eating more frozen yogurt
63
00:02:42,579 --> 00:02:43,786
and then more diarrhea.
64
00:02:44,289 --> 00:02:46,656
Maybe I should've realized this wasn't
the Good Place
65
00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:47,915
because of all the diarrhea.
66
00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:50,542
Maybe you shouldn't be eating all that
frozen yogurt right now.
67
00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:52,628
We're about to be on a balloon, man.
68
00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:54,915
ELEANOR:
What do you think our new home will be like?
69
00:02:54,966 --> 00:02:58,130
I'm picturing Hawaiian beach,
unlimited Mai Tais
70
00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:00,051
and a phone!
71
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:04,349
Ugh, I miss my phone so much.
I bet I have so many texts.
72
00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:07,227
I just want us all to be together.
Separate houses, obviously.
73
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:08,765
Large lawns.
74
00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:10,638
I'd have a tasteful moat.
75
00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:15,234
I don't care where I live, as long as
they have more of this frozen yogurt.
76
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:16,690
Why? Why?
77
00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:18,946
An unlimited library
78
00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:21,824
all of my philosopher heroes walking around
79
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,235
waiting to be engaged in rigorous
intellectual debate.
80
00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,654
And I hope that library is air-conditioned
81
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:29,575
because we are gonna be working up
quite a sweat!
82
00:03:29,835 --> 00:03:31,121
Oh! And soulmates!
83
00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:32,376
I hope they're real.
84
00:03:33,588 --> 00:03:35,124
I mean... you know...
85
00:03:35,173 --> 00:03:36,459
for... for all of us.
86
00:03:36,842 --> 00:03:39,334
I mean, I hope everyone gets
someone special.
87
00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:40,502
Uh, mm...
- JANET CHIMES
88
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:43,137
JANET: Good news!
We've got a handle on the controls.
89
00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:45,177
Who's ready to go ballooning?
90
00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:47,258
MICHAEL:
OK, I think we figured it out.
91
00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:51,308
I pieced together this design
from a number of ancient manuscripts
92
00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:53,018
which Janet will now interpret for you.
93
00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:57,105
"The balloon will only transport those
who have attained self-realisation."
94
00:03:57,237 --> 00:04:00,821
"Each traveler will step upon the scale,
and her soul shall be weighed."
95
00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:04,280
"If she is the best version of herself,
it will permit her to board."
96
00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:06,451
"If not, passage will be denied."
97
00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:07,903
Cool.
98
00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:09,155
Cool. Cool.
99
00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:10,207
We got this.
100
00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:14,460
I don't know about you guys, but I am
definitely the best version of myself.
101
00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:18,498
I know a shirt-ton about ethics now,
because I studied.
102
00:04:18,550 --> 00:04:23,136
And I read books, that weren't even written
by the "Real Housewives."
103
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:26,631
Relax, everyone. We're all gonna be fine.
104
00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:31,602
SHE GASPS
- ALL SIGH IN RELIEF
105
00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,624
Oh, man, I didn't believe anything
I was saying. I just...
106
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:34,809
Whoo! In I go.
107
00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:41,111
SHE EXHALES
Well, I mean...
108
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,287
Oh, dip!
109
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:53,825
Ah, nuts!
110
00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:54,742
It's OK!
111
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,787
The pattern is "green-green-green-red."
112
00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:58,545
Remember that when it starts up again.
113
00:04:58,590 --> 00:04:59,706
CHIDI:
I'm sorry, everyone.
114
00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:03,422
I just have some worries,
as well as some concerns
115
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:05,156
that could potentially turn into
outright fears.
116
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:07,012
Ah, there they go. Ah, they're...
117
00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:08,423
they're fears now. I'm scared.
118
00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,011
OK, I know this mood.
119
00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:12,718
Come with us, Doctor Freak-Out.
120
00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:15,934
That was a joke.
We're actually very good friends.
121
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,310
CHIDI:
OK, here's the thing.
122
00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:21,820
That balloon wants us to be the best version
of ourselves, but for the four of us
123
00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:23,024
that's not just a metaphor.
124
00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:26,657
It doesn't just mean, "are we the nicest
that we've ever been?" or something
125
00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:29,239
although I am also worried about that.
126
00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:34,703
But the real issue here is that there have
been literally 802 different versions of us!
127
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:37,585
And how do I know that this version
is the best version of myself?
128
00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:39,871
How do I know it's not version number 85?
129
00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:42,040
Or 322? Or 558?
130
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,628
Or 69 or 420!
131
00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:46,072
You know, and... and then you get
into the whole idea of...
132
00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:48,463
of consciousness. And, I mean,
just forget about "best"
133
00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,427
what version of Chidi is even real?
134
00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:54,264
I mean, I think that "I" am here,
but what if the real "I"
135
00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:56,679
is one of those other Chidis, and... and...
136
00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:58,518
and this Chidi is an imposter!
137
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,729
What happens here?
Does he eventually tire himself out?
138
00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:02,213
CHIDI CHATTERS
- Usually, but this one seems to be
139
00:06:02,237 --> 00:06:04,194
getting stronger as he goes on.
140
00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:06,259
...over time, because our consciousness
is constantly changing.
141
00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:08,843
Which is just playing on the Buddhist
doctrine of the "non-self."
142
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:11,681
Plus, physically, our cells change
every seven years, which doesn't matter
143
00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,037
because we're dead.
144
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:15,243
OK. This is pretty simple, bud.
145
00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:19,786
You've been our teacher this whole time
and we are much better because of you.
146
00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:24,131
If we're the best versions of ourselves,
which that balloon just proved
147
00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:26,755
then you definitely are.
148
00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:28,840
So, in a way, it...
149
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:33,179
it doesn't matter if I was "better"
in version 492 or whatever
150
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,343
because the best version of "me"
151
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:38,138
is just as much about my effect
on the world around me
152
00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:41,899
as it is about my own egocentric self-image.
153
00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:44,818
I really meant that much to you guys?
154
00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:46,024
Of course you did.
155
00:06:46,448 --> 00:06:48,656
Now let's get you back
on that scale, dorkus!
156
00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:56,826
Oh, good, you're back.
I had Janet make some food for the trip.
157
00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:57,911
Twizzlers for Jason.
158
00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,204
Shrimp for Eleanor.
159
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,994
Chidi, hard-boiled eggs.
160
00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:06,257
And for Tahani, Lord Vivian's
Vinegar-Drenched Cuttlefish Crisps.
161
00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:08,338
Oh, my favourite savoury dessert!
162
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,670
Oh, un-pickled...
163
00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:12,306
No, thank you.
164
00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:14,591
Chidi? Ready to try again?
165
00:07:15,352 --> 00:07:16,468
Yeah, all right.
166
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,771
HE HOLLERS
- ALL CHUCKLE
167
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:21,815
Yeah!
168
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:27,854
SHE SIGHS
169
00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:32,737
Dope!
170
00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:38,540
Ugh!
171
00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:40,245
Chidi got in my head!
172
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:44,795
ELEANOR: It's just that thing Chidi said
about previous versions of myself
173
00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:46,876
it's screwing me up, but I can fix it.
174
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,219
SHE SIGHS
Phew!
175
00:07:50,261 --> 00:07:52,753
I stole this from your house
the first night we were here.
176
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:55,219
OK. Should be
the best version of myself now.
177
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:59,518
ELEANOR:
Urgh! Come on, scale! Be cool!
178
00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:00,769
Guys, we're just not ready.
179
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,750
I think we should regroup,
and try again tomorrow...
180
00:08:02,774 --> 00:08:03,935
Hang on. I know the answer.
181
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,441
I know why I'm not my best self.
182
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:09,980
Do you remember that version of me,
from the tape of us, at Mindy's?
183
00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:15,030
Where I was vulnerable
and emotional, and honest?
184
00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:19,280
That Eleanor is a better Eleanor
than this one.
185
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:21,749
And that is not an easy thing for me to say.
186
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:24,751
"You're not better than me"
was my yearbook quote.
187
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:28,418
Michael, can you tell us a little bit
about that version?
188
00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:31,129
Uh... reboot number 119.
189
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:33,885
All the restaurants were kebab places.
190
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:36,889
You had a pet lizard, which I made
poop on you all the time.
191
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:39,892
No, can you tell us more about
Chidi's and my relationship
192
00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:41,017
from that version?
193
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:43,554
MICHAEL: Right. Sorry.
Well, you got really into ethics
194
00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,563
and you spent a lot of time together.
195
00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:49,770
Once, you handed him a tissue
right before he sneezed
196
00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:54,657
and that simple act of anticipating
his needs made him fall for you.
197
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:59,992
One night you took a walk along the lake,
and you had your first kiss
198
00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:04,167
which... gross. Kissing is gross.
199
00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:07,291
You just mash your food-holes together.
200
00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:08,795
It's not for that!
201
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:12,667
Anyway, it, uh... it just... you know...
202
00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:14,381
bloomed after that.
203
00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:17,634
Look. There are obviously
some undealt-with issues here.
204
00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:22,052
I propose that everyone who is "green"
go ahead and board the magic balloon
205
00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:23,594
and set out to the Good Place.
206
00:09:23,646 --> 00:09:25,387
You know, sort of like an advance team.
207
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:28,353
We'll put our names in, or book a table,
however it works
208
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:31,690
and then we'll send back the magical balloon
for the "red-light people" later on.
209
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,070
It's a perfect plan.
210
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:36,361
No!
211
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,329
It's not working,
it probably thinks I'm Eleanor.
212
00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:41,199
It is I, Tahani!
213
00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:42,331
Wait! Wait!
214
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:45,665
I'm not really my best self, guys.
215
00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:51,794
Tahani keeps trying to talk to me about
our relationship, but I keep dodging it.
216
00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:53,881
Plus I haven't talked to Janet
about me and her yet.
217
00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:57,261
And I haven't talked to Michael
about the band I want us to start
218
00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:58,671
"The Rock and Roll Buddies."
219
00:09:58,723 --> 00:09:59,964
Yes, actually you did.
220
00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:01,598
I said, uh... I wasn't interested.
221
00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:05,683
In case you were wondering, I am
by definition the best version of myself
222
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:07,722
because my operating system
is always updating.
223
00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,686
I'm not sure that's true, Janet.
224
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:12,522
You still haven't talked to Jason
about your romantic baggage.
225
00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:15,984
And the three of you
are in some sort of weird love triangle.
226
00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:19,196
You don't know what you're talking about.
Also, love isn't a triangle.
227
00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:21,156
It's a five-dimensional blob. So...
228
00:10:21,204 --> 00:10:23,696
OK, if you're so perfect, step on the scale.
- Fine.
229
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,449
SCALE SPARKS AND HISSES
230
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:28,333
JANET: Ooh! I think I broke it.
- TAHANI: No!
231
00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:29,789
My beautiful balloon scale!
232
00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:30,919
It's not yours!
233
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,876
MICHAEL:
No, no, please, stop fighting!
234
00:10:32,924 --> 00:10:35,211
Ah, man. This... this stinks.
235
00:10:35,510 --> 00:10:37,593
I'm having this feeling where...
what is it called?
236
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:38,969
You know where you, uh...
237
00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:41,721
you did a thing and you're sad after it?
What...
238
00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:42,927
"After-sad"? Is that...
239
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:46,310
No. Gah!
You humans have so many emotions.
240
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:47,765
You only need two -
241
00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,643
anger and confusion!
242
00:10:49,691 --> 00:10:51,273
Michael, what's going on?
243
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,229
The problem isn't any of you.
244
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:54,519
It...
HE SIGHS
245
00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:56,608
This whole balloon thing is a fake.
246
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:59,945
The truth is, I have no idea
how to get into the Good Place
247
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,154
and I never have.
248
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:05,950
Well, Michael's right.
249
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:09,875
I'm angry and confused.
250
00:11:12,714 --> 00:11:17,084
So, months ago, when you said
you had this whole complicated plan
251
00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:19,175
for getting us to the Good Place...?
- It was a lie.
252
00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:23,048
I assumed if I bought myself some time,
I could figure out a way in.
253
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:26,471
Guys, I tried a billion different ways.
254
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:30,809
Not an exaggeration - I actually tried
one billion and 12 different plans
255
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:36,194
but the only way into the Good Place
is by being a good person on Earth.
256
00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:39,355
This is unforgivable. How many times
can you betray us?
257
00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:41,361
I'm sorry. I really am.
258
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:43,992
Because while I was searching
for a way to get in
259
00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:46,537
I was also taking your ethics classes
260
00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:48,831
learning why it was bad to lie.
261
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:51,913
So not only did I fail at getting us
into the Good Place
262
00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:54,669
I also learned the "error of my ways."
263
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:58,128
Real rock bottom for a demon, I'll tell ya.
264
00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:01,211
So... how did you know
that I would doubt myself
265
00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:03,049
and make the scale turn red?
266
00:12:03,097 --> 00:12:04,759
I mean, at the risk of seeming blunt
267
00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:08,635
I'm a puppet master
and you have long been my puppets.
268
00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:10,393
But this was not torture!
269
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:13,852
I... I was stalling,
so I could keep searching for a way in.
270
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:16,984
I would have been happy if you were to live
in this Neighbourhood forever
271
00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:20,317
but then Shawn came and... and...
and just ruined the whole thing.
272
00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:22,944
So, what happens now?
273
00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:25,909
Shawn will eventually figure out
you're not at Mindy's.
274
00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:31,166
And he'll realize that someone on the inside
was helping you.
275
00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:35,044
So, you'll go to the real Bad Place forever,
and I will be...
276
00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:36,078
be retired.
277
00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:37,210
You're... you're mad at me.
278
00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:38,924
I'm not mad.
279
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:41,500
I'm just disappointed.
280
00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:44,260
Aw, come on, everyone knows that's worse.
281
00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:48,595
So, this really is the end.
Completely out of options, are we?
282
00:12:48,977 --> 00:12:51,560
Not completely out of options.
283
00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:57,313
We can do what the Shellstrops
have always done, when the chips are down
284
00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:00,815
ignore our problems and drink heavily.
285
00:13:01,698 --> 00:13:02,563
Janet!
286
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,278
A million bottles
of your finest booze, please.
287
00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:07,317
MUSIC PLAYS
288
00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:08,912
You alright?
289
00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:14,158
Kinda. I asked Michael if I could pop
the giant balloon
290
00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:15,419
and he said no.
291
00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:18,249
Then I asked if I could suck
the helium out of it
292
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,881
to make my voice sound funny
so it cheers everyone up...
293
00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:24,127
and he just kind of sighed and walked away
294
00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:27,221
so I guess that one is still on the table.
295
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,091
Are you and me cool?
296
00:13:31,561 --> 00:13:32,561
Not exactly.
297
00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:37,231
I think perhaps, given everything,
it's best we end our relationship.
298
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:42,437
It's probably about time I stopped relying
on others for my sense of self-worth
299
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:43,739
or happiness.
300
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:48,276
You know, my whole life,
whenever I encountered any obstacles
301
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,944
I would simply say
302
00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:52,513
"I would like to speak to your manager."
303
00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:55,290
But in our relationship,
there is no manager.
304
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:59,420
There is no one
who can fix this for me, except me.
305
00:14:01,049 --> 00:14:04,884
My mum was a manager at a pet store.
Does that help?
306
00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:07,844
No, and please don't launch
into one of your long stories.
307
00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:09,255
She got fired
- No, Jason...
308
00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:11,285
after I robbed the pet store
- Please, please, please, please, Jason.
309
00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:13,245
where she worked. We robbed it together.
- No, no, no, no, no. Please, stop.
310
00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:16,103
Long story short, it was all a dream.
311
00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:21,271
Thank you, Jason, for making this moment
a little easier, for me.
312
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,196
Dude, here's where I'm at -
313
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:27,526
feelings are stupid.
314
00:14:28,451 --> 00:14:29,817
Yeah. Who needs them?
315
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:35,206
But, uh... in case feelings aren't stupid,
and, in the case that we are
316
00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:38,162
eternally doomed, I thought
it might be worth mentioning that I do...
317
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:41,545
have feelings for you.
318
00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:43,817
And I... I know you don't feel the same way.
319
00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:45,878
And although that fills me with...
320
00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:49,420
anger and confusion...
321
00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:51,630
Wow, Michael was right on the money.
322
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:54,804
I just wanted you to know the truth.
323
00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:58,474
You are... I mean...
324
00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:01,001
No, no, don't say anything. Don't. Don't.
- MUFFLED: I want to, I want to.
325
00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:02,025
I want to.
326
00:15:02,527 --> 00:15:03,567
Here's the thing about me.
327
00:15:03,694 --> 00:15:07,313
You know the sound that a fork makes
in the garbage disposal?
328
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:13,028
That's the sound that my brain makes,
all the time.
329
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:14,741
It's just this constant grinding.
330
00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:18,749
About things I'm afraid of,
or things that I want
331
00:15:18,793 --> 00:15:23,128
or want to want, or want to want to...
332
00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:25,289
Is it grinding in there right now, bud?
- Yep.
333
00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:28,505
But the... the point is, the circumstances
under which we met
334
00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:33,843
are completely insane, and that just makes
the grinding harder.
335
00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:36,675
I just wish we'd met the way
normal people meet
336
00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:40,516
like at a philosophy conference,
or after one of my philosophy lectures...
337
00:15:40,565 --> 00:15:42,773
ELEANOR LAUGHS
- or... or you came knocking
338
00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:45,651
on my office door asking for help
with philosophy.
339
00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:47,561
Is that how you think people meet?
340
00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:50,401
I don't know how normal people meet.
341
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,782
SHE LAUGHS
342
00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:55,194
It's not that I couldn't love you.
343
00:15:55,997 --> 00:15:57,113
You're amazing
344
00:15:57,165 --> 00:15:58,165
and...
345
00:15:58,541 --> 00:16:00,077
fearless, and...
346
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:02,788
and clearly...
347
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:07,042
symmetrical.
- SHE LAUGHS
348
00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:09,545
ELEANOR:
You're such a nerd.
349
00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:11,339
GLASS TINKLES
350
00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:12,628
Attention, everyone!
351
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:18,430
We may not know exactly which version
of ourselves was technically our "best self"
352
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:19,478
but you know what?
353
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,515
I like who we are right now.
354
00:16:21,564 --> 00:16:23,521
To this version of us.
355
00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:25,565
To the good people we've all become.
356
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:26,934
TAHANI:
Oh, and to Eleanor!
357
00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:28,276
Our unofficial leader.
358
00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:31,989
You pack a lot of heart and grit into that
diminutive frame.
359
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,692
Like a scrappy little auto-mechanic.
360
00:16:35,119 --> 00:16:37,848
That's the nicest thing you've ever said
to me, babe, and I'll take it.
361
00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:39,955
And to Janet! The best robot...
362
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,115
Not a robot.
- Girl...
363
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:42,954
Not a girl.
- And straight-up hottie...
364
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,243
I am attractive, yes.
365
00:16:44,295 --> 00:16:46,378
...any of us could have ever asked for.
366
00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:47,422
Thanks, guys.
367
00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:50,040
Because of the way
we were conceived of and created
368
00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:52,675
Janets don't typically give speeches.
369
00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:56,450
Oh, she's done.
She's not gonna give a speech.
370
00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:57,339
Oh.
- OK. Cool.
371
00:16:57,391 --> 00:16:59,474
Oh, one more toast! To Michael!
372
00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:00,725
ALL:
Michael!
373
00:17:00,770 --> 00:17:01,931
THEY CHEER
- ELEANOR WOOFS
374
00:17:01,979 --> 00:17:05,768
Who is easily the best version of himself
375
00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:07,061
granted the bar was low.
376
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:08,725
ALL: Mm-hmm.
- CHIDI: He is a demon.
377
00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:09,734
ALL: Mm...
- But...
378
00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:12,237
he made a mistake and admitted he was wrong
379
00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:15,524
which makes him better than 90%
of all humans.
380
00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:17,616
And you know what?
It wasn't really Michael's fault.
381
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,453
We weren't getting
into the Good Place anyway.
382
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:21,826
I mean, look at us -
383
00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:23,699
a self-obsessed socialite
384
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:25,576
a ridiculous giraffe
385
00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:29,622
an absurd British aristocrat,
a narcissistic attention-seeker...
386
00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:31,006
Are these all me?
- Yes.
387
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,195
I was gonna do eight for you,
and one for everyone else.
388
00:17:33,219 --> 00:17:35,256
THEY LAUGH
- ELEANOR: The point is, Michael...
389
00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:36,513
we forgive you.
390
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:39,806
I mean, at least you tried to find a way
to the Good Place.
391
00:17:40,101 --> 00:17:42,184
And that's the greatest thing someone can do
392
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:43,810
just try your best.
393
00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:50,693
So, we hereby name you
an "honourary human"
394
00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:56,111
and we would like to present you
with this Human Starter Kit.
395
00:17:56,409 --> 00:18:00,653
Car keys! So I can lose them and say,
"Has anyone seen my car keys?"
396
00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:03,948
Oh, and then I can do that, you know,
that thing where you... you...
397
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,036
HE LAUGHS
Thank you!
398
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:09,704
And Band-Aids,
for your stupid fragile bodies.
399
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:13,965
Oh, and look at this - a stress ball
with a dumb corporate logo?
400
00:18:14,385 --> 00:18:16,547
Oh, I can't wait to keep finding this
401
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,428
and then almost throw it away,
and then think
402
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:20,179
"No, I'll... I'll use it!"
403
00:18:20,349 --> 00:18:21,965
THEY LAUGH
404
00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:23,470
Oh... guys.
405
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:27,934
A Doctor Oz diet book,
because you're all such suckers.
406
00:18:27,982 --> 00:18:31,976
This is all garbage
that I have no real use for.
407
00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:34,315
That's right. Welcome to being human, buddy.
408
00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:35,444
To Michael.
409
00:18:35,489 --> 00:18:37,071
THEY CHEER
410
00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:38,865
MUSIC: "Green Light" by Lorde
411
00:18:38,909 --> 00:18:41,617
♪ I do my makeup in somebody else's car ♪
412
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:50,669
♪ We order different drinks
at the same bars... ♪
413
00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:54,256
MUSIC: "Unforgettable" by Nat King Cole
414
00:18:57,553 --> 00:19:06,019
♪ Unforgettable
That's what you are ♪
415
00:19:08,439 --> 00:19:10,271
♪ Unforgettable... ♪
416
00:19:10,316 --> 00:19:11,752
MICHAEL: You don't remember?
- ELEANOR: No!
417
00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:13,267
No, of course you don't.
HE LAUGHS
418
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:14,560
Oh, that's mean.
419
00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:17,275
That was version one.
- THEY LAUGH
420
00:19:18,783 --> 00:19:19,648
JANET:
Michael...
421
00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:21,692
there's a message coming in from Shawn.
422
00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:24,236
MICHAEL:
"Finish shutting everything down."
423
00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:26,496
"Sending train first thing tomorrow."
424
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:30,534
"Humans will be captured and tortured soup."
425
00:19:31,295 --> 00:19:33,002
"Sorry, autocorrect."
426
00:19:33,089 --> 00:19:34,205
"Soon."
427
00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:37,715
"Although weirdly I did just finish turning
someone into soup."
428
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:39,296
"So random."
429
00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:40,506
"OK, bye."
430
00:19:43,349 --> 00:19:46,467
What do you guys think the Bad Place
is going to be, for you?
431
00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:48,973
I'll probably go to a Skrillex concert
432
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:51,597
and I'll be waiting for the bass drop.
433
00:19:52,483 --> 00:19:53,483
And it...
434
00:19:55,569 --> 00:19:56,650
it'll never come.
435
00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,066
For me, it'll be camping.
436
00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:01,906
Like, I'll just always be camping.
437
00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:05,281
I'm pretty good at turning
every place I go in...
438
00:20:05,329 --> 00:20:06,945
into my personal hell, so
439
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,373
I think they'll have a lot
of options, for me.
440
00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:14,708
Mine will obviously be an eternity
spent in the Swiss Alps.
441
00:20:14,755 --> 00:20:16,212
That sounds amazing.
442
00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:19,583
In Autumn. The off-season!
443
00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:21,046
Yeah, still fine.
444
00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:22,131
You'd be fine.
445
00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:25,639
Who are we kidding, you'll probably
be running the place in, like, a week.
446
00:20:25,683 --> 00:20:26,548
She'll be like...
447
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:29,388
IN BRITISH ACCENT: "Oh, hibbledy-dibbledy!
This simply won't do!"
448
00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,929
"I demand to speak to your manager."
- THEY LAUGH
449
00:20:31,981 --> 00:20:34,348
JASON: Again, again!
- ELEANOR: "Your manager!"
450
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,062
THEY LAUGH
451
00:20:36,110 --> 00:20:38,147
Of course! That's it.
452
00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:40,858
We should speak to the manager!
453
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,569
THEY LAUGH
- Wait, you said that there was a judge
454
00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:47,201
who decides on disputes between
the Good Place and the Bad Place, right?
455
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:51,741
Some sort of "head honcho" I could
pace in front of, and plead our case to
456
00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:54,910
and maybe even wag a finger at,
disapprovingly?
457
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:57,295
I thought about that, it's a non-starter.
458
00:20:57,715 --> 00:20:59,422
Judge rarely hears cases.
459
00:20:59,467 --> 00:21:03,256
And the only way to get to
the Judge's office is through a portal
460
00:21:03,846 --> 00:21:06,259
and we can never get to that.
461
00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:07,635
Well, why not?
462
00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:11,973
We'd have to walk through the actual
Bad Place, in plain sight
463
00:21:12,021 --> 00:21:16,015
without getting caught,
reach and pass through the portal
464
00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:19,810
which is in the very centre
of Bad Place headquarters
465
00:21:19,862 --> 00:21:22,070
convince the Judge to hear us out
466
00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:24,777
even though we didn't go through
the proper channels
467
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:29,111
and then somehow win our unwinnable case.
468
00:21:31,582 --> 00:21:32,914
ELEANOR BURPS
- OK.
469
00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:34,959
Let's do it.
470
00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:37,545
You're serious?
471
00:21:37,588 --> 00:21:39,921
Yeah! What do we have to lose?
472
00:21:43,886 --> 00:21:48,301
All I've really ever wanted was to know
what it feels like to be human.
473
00:21:48,808 --> 00:21:51,767
And now, we're going to do the most
human thing of all
474
00:21:52,353 --> 00:21:56,723
attempt something futile,
with a ton of unearned confidence
475
00:21:56,774 --> 00:21:59,232
and fail spectacularly!
476
00:21:59,443 --> 00:22:00,604
Get up! Get up!
477
00:22:00,861 --> 00:22:01,861
Everyone!
478
00:22:03,197 --> 00:22:04,438
Get rest tonight.
479
00:22:05,199 --> 00:22:08,863
First thing tomorrow...
we're going to the Bad Place.
480
00:22:11,372 --> 00:22:13,052
CHIDI:
We had a lot of good times together.
481
00:22:13,707 --> 00:22:15,164
I'll see you in the next life.
482
00:22:15,209 --> 00:22:16,791
ELEANOR SIGHS
Goodbye, clowns.
483
00:22:17,169 --> 00:22:21,288
Goodbye, modernist architecture
that I was too trashy to appreciate.
484
00:22:23,217 --> 00:22:24,217
Goodbye, house.
485
00:22:24,885 --> 00:22:25,885
Goodbye, house.
486
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:32,350
What up, idiot?
487
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:35,849
This is the 8:22 express
to Bad Place Headquarters.
488
00:22:35,896 --> 00:22:39,515
We'd like to begin the boarding process
with our first-class fat dinks
489
00:22:39,567 --> 00:22:41,809
and there is no overhead storage
490
00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:44,148
so if you have any bags,
why don't you just go ahead
491
00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:46,062
and place them up your fat butts.
492
00:22:46,115 --> 00:22:49,108
Sorry about this, Bad Janet.
- Sorry about what, ya fat dink?
493
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,536
This was your life's work.
494
00:22:57,918 --> 00:23:00,376
Are you OK with leaving
the fake Good Place behind?
495
00:23:01,088 --> 00:23:04,832
As long as I'm with you guys,
I'm always in the fake Good Place.
496
00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:07,504
That doesn't sound
as nice as you think it does.
497
00:23:09,889 --> 00:23:14,680
The real Bad Place was the friends
we made along the way.
498
00:23:14,727 --> 00:23:17,686
Nope. Still nonsense. One more try?
499
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:19,480
In a way
500
00:23:19,899 --> 00:23:24,064
the Good Place was inside the Bad Place...
501
00:23:25,487 --> 00:23:26,398
all along?
502
00:23:26,447 --> 00:23:28,675
You know what? That's technically true,
I'm gonna give it to you.
503
00:23:28,699 --> 00:23:30,406
Ah!
HE CHUCKLES
504
00:23:30,701 --> 00:23:31,862
I just made an aphorism.
505
00:23:33,954 --> 00:23:34,954
Hit it, Janet.
506
00:23:35,372 --> 00:23:38,115
Next stop, the actual Bad Place!
39845
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof