All language subtitles for The.Good.Place.S02E05.720p.BluRay.X264-REWARD-HI

CHIDI:
This is an exciting day.

We are going to tackle one of the most famous
ethical dilemmas

The Trolley Problem.

Is this a game? I go first! I call blue!

There's no... No, this is...

No.

This is a thought experiment first introduced
by British philosopher Philippa Foot

in 1967.

You are driving a trolley
when the brakes fail.

And on the track ahead of you
are five workmen that you will run over.

Now, you can steer to another track

but on that track
is one person you would kill

instead of the five.
What do you do?

Do we know anything about the people?

Like, is one of them an ex-boyfriend

or that snooty girl from Rite Aid

who was always silently judging
my purchases?

It's like, "Yeah, chicky! A Baby Ruth
and birth control."

"I see the irony. Keep a-swiping!"

You don't know any of the workers.

OK, well then, that's easy.

I switch tracks, kill one person
instead of five.

But this is hard, cos the only trolley
I've ever been on

is James Franco's ironic trolley

it travels backwards from his penguin grotto
to his garage of adult tricycles.

Um... kill one, save five.

I kill the one guy, but me and the five
other guys

we get together every year,
no matter how busy we are

and we pour one out for our flat homie.

Good!

We'd all switch tracks.

But there's a lot of other versions of this.

Like, what if you knew one of the people?

Does that change the equation?

Or what if you're not the driver,
you're just a bystander?

Or let's throw the trolley out altogether.

Let's say you're a doctor,
and you can save five patients.

But you have to kill one healthy person

and use his organs to do it.

But that's not the same thing.

But why not?

It's still choosing to kill one person
to save five, isn't it?

Michael.

You've been kind of quiet.
What do you think about all this?

Well, obviously the dilemma is clear.

How do you kill all six people?

So, I would dangle a sharp blade
out the window

to slice the neck of the guy
on the other track

as we smoosh our five main guys.

Oh...

I did the thing again, didn't I?

Yep. Ten more, buddy.

MICHAEL:
People. Good. People... Gah.

Why is that so hard to remember?

People...

what is it?

Good.
- Good.

Cool. Later, guys.

Oh, hey, twerps. We have an hour before
we have to pretend to be tortured by Vicky.

You wanna hang out? We could work on our
forced grins?

Check mine out.

SHE FAKE-SOBS:
"Oh, this place is miserable! Etcetera!"

That sounds fun.
- Right?

But I was going to dive into next week's
reading, I'm afraid, sorry.

Jason, do you, um... care to join?

Sure, dog.

You're doing extra-credit work?

What can I say? This class is more fun
than I thought.

Eleanor seemed a little suspicious
earlier...

snooping around.

You didn't tell her about us, did you?

No.

Why are you so scared that someone will know
we're pounding it out?

Precisely because you refer to love-making
as "pounding it out."

Who cares about what other people might think
about us being together?

Maybe you should talk about this
with a friend.

But then that person would know
we were together.

Right. Then you can talk about why it is
that you don't want anyone to know

we're together.

But then that person would know
and I don't want anyone to know.

I know.

I'm saying you should talk to someone
about how weird it is

that you don't want to talk to someone
about how we're together.

How's it going, Teach?

Mm, kitchen looks nice and crazy.

I've been wracking my brain, trying to find
a way to get through to Michael.

What do you think about writing a rap musical
about Kierkegaard?

I think that's a terrible idea.

Cool.

HE SIGHS

Michael's not going to learn
how to be a good person overnight.

He's not even a person. He's just a...

bunch of evil shoved up
the butt of an evil mannequin.

You know, teaching him to be good,
it's like...

teaching me how to be not hot.

How would you even do it?

You'd have me hunch or something,
and stand there and say

"Gurp."

"Gurp."

"Gurp."

I don't even know. I can't even picture it

because I've been hot my whole life.
- I'm sorry...

who is this conversation for again?
- It's for you.

I believe in you, nerd-boy.

If you can teach me and Jason ethics,
you can teach anybody.

Thanks.

But definitely a "no" on the rap musical?

I mean, if you really...

♪ My name is Kierkegaard
and my writing is impeccable ♪

♪ Check out my Teleological
suspension of the ethical! ♪

No.
- No!

Right?
- HE LAUGHS

Nah, felt like a "no" when I was doing it.

Janet?
- JANET CHIMES

Hi there.

If I were to tell you something personal
about myself

you couldn't tell anyone about it, right?
- Right.

So in a way, you're sort of like a therapist?

Absolutely not.

A therapist is a trained medical professional
with the ability to absorb and process

complex ideas about human emotion.

I am simply a vessel containing all of the
knowledge in the universe.

Close enough.

Jason and I are sleeping together.
- OK.

Obviously, no one can ever know.
I mean, I wouldn't shag Jason

if he were the last man on Earth.

But, well he sort of is and I am.
Shagging him, I mean.

And I think I'm losing my mind.
So please help me.

Well, my job is to make your experience here
in the afterlife more enjoyable

so I will try to help you.

I am going to need some time to read
every book ever written

about human psychotherapy.

And now I've done that, so let's begin.

Have a seat.
- JANET CHIMES

Hi. I'm your therapist, Janet.

CHIDI: I just want to have a little chat
about your progress.

In the last homework assignment,
I asked you to examine the ethics

of "Les Miserables," in which a man
steals a loaf of bread

to feed his starving family.

Would you...
please read your first paragraph, here?

"Everyone in this story sucks
and belongs in the Bad Place."

"The thief is bad, the officer
chasing him is bad"

"all the whiny prostitutes are bad"

"plus they're all French so they're
going to the Bad Place automatically."

Do you see how you're already off-topic?

Chidi, I... I've been around a long time.

Like, all of it.

But I know for a fact that if you steal
a loaf of bread

it's a negative seventeen points.

Twenty if it's a baguette,
because that makes you more French.

OK, sure

but philosophy is about questioning things
that you take for granted

and I just don't think
that you're doing that.

I mean, "I personally know that Victor Hugo
is in the Bad Place"

"being tortured."

"He's a real wuss, too. If one of the lava
monsters even gets near the guy"

"he's like, 'Sacré bleu,
I peed in m'pants.'"

I don't know what you want from me.
That... that's exactly what he said.

Jason's a nice person, but...

my suitors were always of a certain echelon.

I used what I called the "Duke Rule"

because "Duke" is both minimum acceptable
University and rank of nobility.

You've never dated anyone
like Jason before.

I mean, I've dallied below my station.

I once had a brief fling with a non-famous
Hemsworth brother.

But even Larry Hemsworth had more status
than Jason.

Jason didn't even have a job.
- Mm.

In a sad way, not in the good, rich way.

Hi, guys. What are you doing?

Sitting in a room?

That's pretty cool.

I took your suggestion, and I'm talking
to Janet about our relationship.

Actually, it might help me if I could hear
Jason's side as well.

Oh, no, no. That'll only slow things down.
Look, I'll tell you his side.

He thinks that I have to control everything
and that he has no voice

in this relationship. Right, Jason? Good.

Now, where were we?

I just heard that.

OK, fine. I'll leave.

CHIDI: I just don't feel like you're engaging
with the material.

MICHAEL: Oh, come on.
- Like with the trolley problem.

That was just tricky, that's all.

Why don't you just tell me the right answer?

Well, that's what's so great about the
trolley problem

is that there is no right answer.

MICHAEL AND ELEANOR GROAN

This is why everyone hates
moral philosophy professors.

I'm on your side here, dude.

But he is not wrong.

OK. Michael, trust me.

When it comes to human ethics,
I just know more than you.

I've been studying it my whole life.

It's just that it's so theoretical, you know?

I mean, you know, maybe there's a more
concrete approach.

Here. Let's... let's try this.
- HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS

Oh, God!

Michael, what did you do?

TROLLEY BELL RINGS
- I made the trolley problem real

so we could see how the ethics
would actually play out.

There are five workers on this track,
and one over there.

Here are the levers to switch the tracks.

Make a choice!

The thing is... I mean, ethically speaking...

No time, dude! Make a decision!
- Well, it's tricky.

I mean on the one hand, if you ascribe to a
purely Utilitarian worldview...

TROLLEY SCREECHES

OK. So...

What'd we learn?

Chidi?

Talk it out, buddy.

What are we thinking?

He thinks he just killed a bunch of people
with a trolley.

It's just a simulation.

I would never make you kill real people.

Oh, well, that's reassuring.

Because some of the parts of the fake people
flew into my mouth!

Michael, can we just go back
to the classroom?

We never left.

Here, I'll show you.
- HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS

Ah...

Yeah.

OK...

MICHAEL CLICKS HIS FINGERS
- Look, see, buddy?

None of this was real.
- MICHAEL: Well...

Uh... I... I mean, their pain is real.

It's like they're fake people,
but their deaths are real.

Does that make sense?

There have to be stakes or it's just another
thought experiment.

This is awful.

You specifically asked me if there was a way
I could connect with the material more.

I'm trying, you guys.

Sorry.

You're right.

I want to help you understand this.
- Thank you, Chidi.

So. Let's try again, mm?
- HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS

Oh, um... I... I thought maybe we would
have a discussion.

No, the whole point is to play out
the scenario in real time.

Quick, Chidi! What's your decision?

OK, OK, I can do this.

I am choosing to switch tracks, so that way
I only kill one person.

MICHAEL: Oh, forgot to tell you...

this is the scenario where you actually know
one of the people.

It's your friend Henry, there.

Chidi! How are you, mate?

Henry! Move!

Aw! Nice trolley!

CHIDI: Move out of the way!
- HENRY: I can't, Chidi.

My boots are stuck in the tracks.
- Henry, move!

Anyway, long time no...
- CHIDI: Get outta there!

HE SCREAMS
Oh, my God!

Again, just the simulation.

An almost impossibly life-like simulation.

Would someone's foot really fly off
their body like that?

That was kinda cool.

Ethically speaking.

Tahani's confusing.

Mm.
- She's really smart.

And she's all soft and smooth
like a bunch of water balloons

but I tell her she's pretty
a hundred times a day

and she's never said I'm pretty once.

She always wants me to be different
from how I am.

But I'm not different. I'm same!

And how does that make you feel?

I just feel like Tahani's embarrassed
that I'm not some sort of scientist

who forecloses on banks.

I need another session with Janet.

It's my turn. I have a lot of problems too,
you know.

Perhaps we could kill two birds
with one Janet, as it were.

How would you feel about giving Jason and me
"couples therapy?"

I'd feel great.

Janet? What's happening?

Unclear.

My guess is I'm operating in a way
I'm not designed for

and it's creating a small glitch.

But if I'm helping you guys, I say

"What has one thumb and wants to keep going?"

"This not-lady."

Eh?

Eh?

OK, so that was Trolley Problem version
number seven.

Chidi opted to run over five
William Shakespeares

instead of one Santa Claus.

OK, as much as I'm enjoying watching random
people's heads fly off

I think we've taken this trolley thing
as far as it can go.

You might be right, Eleanor.

Thank you.

Let's try the doctor one.
- HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS

Dude! What the fork?

MICHAEL: These five people all need organ
transplants or they will die.

Eleanor's perfectly healthy.

Chidi, do you want to slice her open

and use her organs to save the five
sick people?

Chidi! Chidi. Think about this.

I'm your hottest friend.

No. Tahani.

I'm your nicest fr...
No. Jason.

I'm your friend.

Save five people.

No, I... I won't do it.

As a doctor, I've taken the Hippocratic oath,
to do no harm.

And although five people will die

I cannot harm one innocent person
to save them, and forsake my oath.

It's unethical.

MICHAEL:
OK.

Tell their families.
- What?

HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS

GIRL:
Doctor Chidi?

My daddy needed a heart transplant.
Did you save his life?

I don't know what I would do
without my daddy.

He was working, then a really bad man
ran him over with a trolley.

Oh, come on!

What?

I'm finding this incredibly helpful.

I think I'm really starting to get it.

Oh, I know.

We'll do the one where you're in a boat
next to a volcano

and you can either save 50 people
or one awesome dog or whatever.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
- ELEANOR: Hey!

Are you torturing us again?

What?

You don't care about learning ethics lessons.

You're just torturing Chidi again,
aren't you?

Busted!
- What?

MICHAEL CACKLES

I'm sorry. Old habits die hard.

Not as hard as those people you crushed
with the trolley, though.

Boom!
- I'm sorry, is this...

is this funny to you?

Yeah, I thought that was clear
from my laughter.

Oh, come on.

My bad. Look, I'm still on your team.

OK? I just needed to let off a little steam.

Whoo...
- HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS

See? Back home, all good.

No. No. Not all good.

You keep saying that we need you
or we'll end up getting tortured forever

but then when we do help you out,
we still end up getting tortured

I'd rather just be tortured than choose it.

You are no longer welcome in my class.

Get the fork out!

But I said, "My bad."

Out!

That was some pretty impressive
nerd rage yesterday.

Didn't know you had it in you.

You OK?

You've been staring at the second page
of this book for an hour.

When I'm really upset, concentrating on a
Table of Contents helps me calm down.

It's like a menu, but the food is words.

Oh... OK.

I can't believe I actually thought he wanted
to learn from us.

What he really wanted was to torture me.

Using the thing that I love most
in the world.

Woven belts?

Oh, teaching, right.

I'm sorry about this, Chidi.

I made him take the classes
and I feel a little responsible.

No, no, it's not your fault.

Yeah, you're right, it isn't,
and no take-backs!

No, a tiger can't change his stripes.

This is what he always wanted.

Me trying desperately to teach him something
that he never intended to learn

so I'd end up miserable with my glasses
all smudged up

from sweaty forehead stress-grease.

OK. Gross. Also, I really don't think
that's true.

Oh, no?

What possible other reason could he have
to behave that way?

Actually, I can think of one.

JANET:
Yesterday, Tahani gave us her reasons

not to take this relationship public.

Jason.

How did that make you feel?

Like she's being a jerk.

OK, let's try that again, and this time,
I want you to use an "I" statement.

OK, um...

"Tahani is being a jerk," said I, Jason

Tahani, what do you value about Jason?

Well, he's nice, thoughtful.

Picks flowers and brings them to me.

Often, they're ones I've just planted but...

That's how I know they're fresh.
- He's the least self-aware person

I've ever met.

He has massive amounts of unearned confidence

and he's utterly unaware of his own
absurdity.

Therefore, quite good at sex.

But I'm sorry, I still don't want anyone
to know that we're together.

JASON:
Here's the thing

I'm nice to you, and you're mean to me.

There's something wrong about that
but I can't put my finger on what it is.

Oh, Jason. I genuinely like you.

But I need you to be patient with me.

Back on Earth, all of my relationships were
either yacht-based flings

on international waters, or glorified
photo-ops arranged by publicists.

It's hard to change all at once.

Can you give me a little more time?

OK.

I agree to keep this on the DL for now

if you agree to grab my butt in public
once a week.

You can say I sat in gum and that you're
trying to scrape it off.

You do sit in a lot of gum.

JANET:
Aw, I'm happy for you guys.

SHE GAGS

FROG CROAKS

FROG CROAKS
- Huh.

Look, I don't know what to tell you.
If Chidi can't take a joke, that's on him.

Just like all that blood was.

HE CHUCKLES
- I can't high-five that!

No matter how badly I want to.

Look, this isn't about Chidi not being able
to take a joke.

This is about you.

You're doing what I used to do.

You're "Pulling an Eleanor."

Posting my cousin's credit card number
on Reddit

because she said I looked tired?

SHE SNORTS
- HE CHUCKLES

I forgot I did that.
- THEY LAUGH

No!

No.

"Pulling an Eleanor" in this case
is lashing out when you feel like a failure.

You couldn't hack the classes.

They made you feel dumb and small
so you took it out on the teacher.

You think I feel dumb and small?

I'm an eternal being who can see
in nine dimensions.

I can see from your aura
that you're about to fart quietly

and then lie about it. And please don't,
because I can also see what you ate today.

Dude, you can bluster and insult
all you want.

Also Classic Shellstrop moves, by the way,
but deep down you know I'm right.

Whatever. Eventually, Chidi will get over it.

Ah! Ha-ha!

Leaving it up to the other person
to be the grown-up

yet another Classic Shellstrop move!

You and I are really very similar.

What does that say about me?
Ugh...

Look, bro.

The fact that Chidi straight up told you
to fork off should tell you how upset he was.

That's the most decisive I've ever seen him.

He once went to a Chinese restaurant
and couldn't choose between

sweet and sour chicken.

That's one thing!

It's 100% on you to make this up to him.

MICHAEL:
I screwed up.

I'm owning it.

I mean, I'm a superior being.
I ought to act like one.

Right? So...

I really thought about each one of you

and I got you something
that will make you happy.

I call them...

"opposite tortures."

Do you mean "presents"?

Yes, that's better. Thank you.

Tahani, here's yours.

JANET CHIMES

Holy mama! Is this a diamond?

MICHAEL:
Yeah. Honestly, I... I don't get the appeal.

Diamonds are literally carbon molecules
lined up in the most boring way.

They're worthless space garbage.

What you're holding right now,
that's basically meteorite poop.

And I have the biggest piece!

Eleanor, I had Janet make you...

a never-ending shrimp dispensary.

JANET CHIMES
- ELEANOR GASPS

ELEANOR GASPS AGAIN
- MICHAEL CHUCKLES

MACHINE WHIRS
- ELEANOR: Oh!

SHE LAUGHS

This is the dream.

It is?

Yeah!

Jason, here you go.

JANET CHIMES
- JASON GASPS: Pikachu!

Guys, it's Pikachu!

This is awesome!

POP

Aw, man...

That was awesome though.

Thanks, Michael.

And finally... Chidi.

You were a tough nut to crack,
but I think I figured it out.

JANET CHIMES

This is a replica of a lost notebook
from the desk of Immanuel Kant.

It contains never-before-seen
thoughts and musings

and several, uh... crude erotic doodles.

Interesting guy, actually.

The point is, no one on Earth
has ever seen this...

except for you.

Cool.

This isn't an apology, it's a bribe,
and I'm not interested.

MOUTH FULL:
Yeah, we can't be bought!

What do you want from me, man?
You want me to give you a golden nameplate

for your office?

You want a diamond bigger than Tahani's?

No!

Then this would be worthless.

I don't want anything.
- Oh! Oh.

OK. Oh, I get it. I get it.

You want me to admit that I was wrong.

And you want me to say,
"Oh, Chidi, I'm so sorry"

"because I didn't understand human ethics
and you do, it made me feel insecure"

"and I lashed out, and oh, please help me"

"because I feel so, so lost and vulnerable."

Yes.

Oh, Chidi. I am so sorry.

I, um... I didn't understand human ethics

and... and you do and it made me
feel insecure and I lashed out.

And I really need your help
because I feel so lost and vulnerable.

Have a seat.

Whoo!

Nobody try "mystery flavour."

It's white chocolate and it is nasty.

CHIDI:
Here are your papers

and I have to say, you all have shown
tremendous improvement

over the past couple of weeks.

A C minus?

I aced it!

Wow! A plus?

Michael, that's impressive.

But, I mean, I'm a superior being, so...

who has a lot to learn,
and who is grateful to be here.

OK, reminder

today Vicky is torturing Jason and Eleanor.

You two should walk through the town square
in 30 minutes

and remember to act surprised
when the unicorn poops on you.

Right. Also, we don't know how long we have
before Vicky catches on

so we really gotta move.

As soon as you clean the glittery faeces
out of your hair

meet back here for the next lesson.
- I mean, I can just come straight here.

No.

Go ahead and shower first.

OK.

Listen, we just wanted to thank you...
for all of your help.

Our relationship's grown so much stronger
over the past few weeks

and we owe it all to you.
- Congratulations.

I am very happy for the both of you.

GROUND RUMBLES

GLASS SHATTERS

OK, bye!

JANET CHIMES
- GROUND RUMBLES

JANET CHIMES

JANET:
Hi there.

What's happening? What's wrong?

I am wrong.

I can't stop glitching.
I don't know why and it's getting worse.

I fear this Neighbourhood is in danger
of total collapse.

So, that's the main thing.

How are you?