All language subtitles for The.Good.Place.S01E07.720p.BluRay.X264-REWARD

There's no escaping it.

The problem...

is me.

And now...

I have to leave you.

- Forever.
- Michael...

You can't be the problem.

Oh, but I am.

You see, architects aren't supposed to live

in the Neighbourhoods they design.

But I love humans so I wanted to try.

I took something great and I ruined it
a little so I could enjoy it more.

I "frozen-yoghurted" the Neighbourhood.

My meddling is the one true constant
in all of our disasters.

I tried to force Jianyu into opening up,
which caused a sinkhole to open up.

I kicked a puppy into the sun,
and garbage rained down.

I grossly underestimated
the number of shrimp needed

for the opening night party

and what flew through the sky the next day,
taunting me for my failures?

I'm sorry, everyone, I'm truly sorry.

Janet?

Please call a train to escort me
into retirement.

You see, the only way in
and out of a Neighbourhood

is by train and Janet is the only one
who can operate them.

Oh, my dear Janet.
Will you be okay after I leave?

Yes. This will not affect me in any way.

Geez, show some compassion!

Well, I can't feel "sad" but here's my best
approximation of human crying.

Bah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Oh, Janet. That was beautiful.
- Yeah.

What did you say to him?
Did you make him do this, somehow?

Nope! This was entirely his idea.

Dude, this is good news.

Michael's gonna get a chill retirement
which, frankly, he desperately needs

and I can finally relax.

It's forking perfect!
- No, it's terrible.

Michael's wrong, he's not the problem.

Well, Michael did bring me here

which was the mistake
that led to all the other problems

so in that sense he is the real problem.

Ha! How do you like them ethics?

I just "ethics-ed" you in the face, Chidi!

It doesn't change the fact
that we weren't truthful.

There's an old Chinese proverb
"Lies are like tigers, they are bad."

That's it?
- It's more poetic in Mandarin.

Look. Michael is retiring.

He's gonna be on an angel boat somewhere
smoking moonbeam cigars.

Now, Tahani is throwing him
a goodbye party. Let's go help out.

Sure, that will more than make up
for the pain and misery and lying.

Yes! Now you're getting it!

Hey, Chidi! Just read your article
on logical positivism, so dry.

Oh, thanks, Henry.

Whoa. New boots?

Oh! Yeah!

Just got 'em. Saw them in the store
and I was just like, "Whoa!"

And tell the truth. Do you like them?

Oh.

Oh, yeah.
- Yeah? You think so?

They're... they are really cool.

Not too red?
- No.

Crystals are not too much.

Crystals are not too much.
- They point just right, right?

Just... just enough.
- Just fine. Ha!

Well, that makes me feel so much better.
'cause I was really going back and forth

over whether they were worth the money.

They were super expensive.

Yeah. Well, they're, uh... amazing.

I mean those are the coolest boots
I've ever seen in my life.

Thanks so much, buddy.
- Bye.

My god. What have I done.

Tonight needs to be the perfect blend

of celebratory, reverential

bittersweet, upbeat, fun, and effortless.

This is hashtag "Tahani Time"!

What is all this?

Oh, no! Michael, you're not supposed
to see it until it's all set up.

But, well...

Welcome to your retirement party!

Look over there. I've even set up a buffet
of themed desserts, like

retire-mint chocolate cake...
or a "Flan Voyage!"

Oh, boy.
- Oh...

And here we have a piñata shaped like you,
which is always fun.

By the way, what's your favourite colour,
for the tablecloths?

Well, it's not perceptible by human eyes.
It's called "Pleurigloss."

Could you describe it?

It's the colour of...

when a soldier comes home from war
and sees his dog for the first time.

Hmm. How about blue?

Tahani, I'm so sorry.
We need to cancel this party, immediately.

But why?

For a being like me, "retirement"
is not something "fun."

What is "retirement," for you, exactly?

Well, I wasn't going to share this,
so as not to upset you

but it's an extreme form of punishment.

We call it "The Eternal Shriek."

My soul will be disintegrated

and each molecule be placed on the surface
of a different burning sun.

And then my...

my "essence" will be scooped out of my body
with a flaming ladle,

and poured over hot diamonds.

Oh, but, the diamonds sound lovely.
- They're not.

And then what's left of my body

will be endlessly beaten
with a titanium rod, like a...

Like a piñata.
- Yes.

Except you have the string
around my waist

but instead it will definitely
be around my genitals.

What?
- Oh, Michael...

I'm so sorry.
I was just trying to honour you.

Please allow me to reconceive the event.

Of course.

All right, everyone!
We're starting over!

The keyword for tonight is just "sombre."

Jianyu, my love, we're gonna have to
get rid of all the party poppers

immediately.

No. No. Not by using them!

No, Jianyu. Stop it. Darling.

He's gonna be tortured? Dang it.

I was almost handed a perfect solution
to all my problems

without having to work for it at all,
and now it's gone.

Why do bad things always happen

to mediocre people
who are lying about their identities?

Okay, you have two options.
You can confess, and save Michael.

Or you can continue to lie and condemn him
to an eternity of unimaginable pain.

Or option "C", continue to lie about myself

and find a way to save Michael.

Can we somehow throw Tahani under the bus?

That would be a classic two birds
with one stone scenario.

Plus I'll get her house. Three birds.

No. There's no way to stop this
except confessing.

Any moment now Michael is going to get on
that train and we will never see him again.

Just like Professor Lindeman

after I asked him to re-read
my thirty-six hundred-page manuscript.

He said he was going out for cigarettes

but then he just left his tenured position
at the Sorbonne.

Great story. Janet?

Hi there!

Hi. So, the only way out
of the Neighbourhood is a train?

That's correct.
I am the only one who can call the train

and it needs me to operate.

Choo-choo!

One more question and, um...
this is a little weird, but...

can we, uh... shut you down?

Yes. Great question.

There is a kill switch in a remote sector
of the Neighbourhood

in the event that I malfunction
and attempt to harm the residents.

If you press it, I will be destroyed.

Anything else?
- No, that's good. Thanks.

Okay.
- Whoa. Wait. You want to kill Janet?

Michael can't retire if he can't leave.

He can't leave if there's no Janet
to run the train.

It's a perfect solution.

Janet, high-five please?

Thanks, babe.

You cannot kill Janet!

"Killing" is one of the most famous...

moral no-nos.

Janet is a non-human object
who was sent here to help us.

And the way she can help us
is if we kill her.

We're doing one, small, "murder-y"
thing for a bigger, better reason.

The ends justify the means.

Do you know who said that?
- Was it someone nice and great

like Oprah?

It was Machiavelli,
a very non-Oprah-like figure.

And what happens after we kill her?
We'll have to lie

to everyone, about what we did.

And lying is always wrong.

Why? Why would I tell Henry
that I liked his boots?

I don't like his boots. I hate his boots.

Yes, I know, you've talked about it
for the last two days.

I lied to him.

You wrote your thesis on Kant.

He believed that lying is always
morally wrong, no exceptions.

Yes, well, Kant was a lonely obsessive hermit
with zero friends.

Sometimes we do things just to be polite.

If you really feel that strongly about it

Tell him the truth.

Also, I don't care,
because it's the middle of the night.

This is why everyone hates
moral philosophy professors.

They do?

Hey, Chidi. Sit in on my class today?
- Uh, I... I did, yeah.

Great lecture, by the way, so bleak.
- Thanks, bud!

Oh, it's actually perfect that you are here.
I got something for you.

Oh, my God!
- You loved mine so much

I decided to get you your own pair.

We can be boot brothers!

Wow. I... I can't accept these.
They're too expensive.

Sure you can.
Try 'em on, mate.

The fact that you liked mine so much

really made me fee like I made
the right choice to buy them.

After all, why should I have all the fun
and boots, aye?

I... I... I don't know.

Those look great.

Take 'em for a spin.

You're flying.

Thanks!

Speeches! Time for speeches, everyone!

Michael?

Hmm?
- As someone who didn't exactly have

the steadiest parental guidance

I just want to thank you.
You were always there for us.

I shouldn't have been, that was the problem.

Yes, but, it was also great
when you weren't there.

Don't worry, soon I won't be, forever.

Because of the Eternal Shriek!

Yes, thank you Glenn.

Look, what I'm trying to say is this -

Michael, you always kept us warm and safe

like a bright glowing sun.

Like the one I kicked the dog into

or the one I'm going to be burned
on the surface of for eternity?

Okay, no more speeches!
Speeches are over!

Michael's going to talk now.

Oh, I'm sorry I was so grumpy. It's just...

I'm sad that I have to leave before
doing all the human things

that I wanted to do.

I wanted to get my hair wet.
You know, I...

I wanted to pull a hamstring,
to learn the difference between

"toward" and "towards".

I wanted to do that thing
where you walk down the hallway

and someone else is walking the other way,
and then you both lean to one side

and then the other, and then you both
chuckle over your shared foible.

I wanted to get a rewards card

any rewards card.

I... I wanted to talk briefly to someone,
and then say

"Take it sleazy."

I wanted to eat a saltine.

Oh, I actually have some saltines!
Here, try this.

Pretty dry...

and too salty.

Well, going out on a real low note, here.

Okay, bye, everyone.

Well, take it sleazy!

You got to say it?

Yes, but then you say it back.

No, it's not organic.

Janet, how many "Janets" have there been?

There have been twenty-five generations
of Janet.

Each new update of Janet gains more wisdom
and social abilities.

Fun fact, the first Janet had a click wheel.

So, it's like aging, for a human.

You're... you're growing up.

That's how I like to think of it, Chidi.

I can't eat,
so every time there's a new version of Janet

I like to take a piece of birthday cake

and smash it around where my mouth is.

Janet has... has learned and grown,
she's essentially living a life.

We can't kill her.
- Not with that attitude we can't.

Listen man, I'm dead, you're dead,
we all died, and now we're killing her.

Pay it forward!

Uh, no... that's not what that means,
at all. Eleanor!

Here we are!

Just press that button,
and it's "Goodbye, Janet!"

Chidi, I can see that you're worried
and I just want to assure you

I am not human, and I cannot feel pain.

Thank you. That helps.

However, I should warn you
I am programmed with a fail-safe measure.

As you approach the kill switch,
I will begin to beg for my life.

It's just there in case of an accidental
shut down, but it will seem very real.

Cool. So who's doing this, me or you?

Oh, uh, I...

I think I have to.
Being a bystander seems worse, somehow.

Okay, here we go.

Chidi, no, no, no.
Chidi, please, please

please don't hurt me.
I don't want to die!

Please, please...

Again, I am not human.
I can't die.

I am simply an anthropomorphised vessel
of knowledge built to make your life easier.

Your pleading seems so real!
- Oh, yes, it is a very effective fail-safe.

Ugh. You want a robot killed right
you have to do it yourself.

Eleanor, Eleanor, no, no, no,
please, wait, wait, wait

Eleanor, I have kids.

I have three beautiful children
Tyler, Emma, and little, tiny, baby Phillip.

Look at Tyler, Tyler has asthma,
but he is battling it like a champ!

Look at him. No, Eleanor, look at them.

Look at them!

Look at them!

Ah! It's so realistic!
- Eleanor, again, I am not human.

This is a stock photo of the crowd

at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards.

That's right.

It's not real. Let's just do this.
- Right.

Please, I have so much to live for!
No, no, no!

What? We're... we're not even near the...
- Hey guys, what's going on?

That party was lame, so I bailed.
Then I saw you, so I followed you here.

Oh, look, a button!
- No, don't no!

No, don't.

Aw, man!
I wanted to push that button!

Not cool, dude.

Whoa, what happened to Janet?

She's... she's dead. I... I... I killed her.

Not killed. Remember,
Janet was not a living being

so she can't be killed.

A tten tion. I ha ve been murdere d.

A tten tion, I ha ve been murdere d.

A tten tion, I ha ve been murdere d.

A tten tion, I ha ve been murdere d.

What do we do, Eleanor?

What do we do?
Chidi, you just murdered Janet!

We have to flee your crime scene. Run!

Sorry, Janet.

A tten tion, I ha ve been murdere d.

Okay, dude, crash course in getting away
with bad stuff.

You have to act calm and cool,
like you don't have a care in the world.

Mm-hmm.
- Okay? Great.

Oh, wow, look, its "Weekend at Bernie's"

Use you're a dead guy in sunglasses.

We have fun, don't we, Chidi?

I have never been more stressed
out in my entire life.

I know what you need.
- Janet, can you get Chidi some weed?

Oh, that's right, you killed Janet!

Search-party!
Follow me to the site of the alarm.

We will not rest until we avenge
the brutal murder of our trusted sister!

Yeah!

Yay.

Poor Janet.
We must give her a proper send-off.

I would be honoured to help plan
Janet's funeral.

Oh, Tahani, are you sure?
I don't mean to add insult to injury

but my retirement party
was a tiny bit gauche.

Oh, no! Not the "G" word.

Oh, Michael, please,
please give me another chance.

It'll be the classiest event
I have ever planned.

Janet's funeral is going to make

the Guggenheim Foundation Pancreatic
Cancer Summer Classic 2009

look like the Guggenheim Foundation
Pancreatic Cancer Summer Classic 2004!

All right.

Just breathe in.

Breathe out.

Think of your favourite things.

Ethics. Reading.

Drinking milk, after I take
my lactose intolerance medication.

Quiet movies. Fitted bedsheets.

Cool seeds. A new bookmark.

Unsalted almonds...
- Those are your favourite things?

This is too much for me.
I can't maintain this fiction.

This is just too much for me, Eleanor.

Well, Janet's been murdered.

That's a nice capper to this wonderful day.

I don't really know what happens now,
because...

Janet has never been murdered before

only today, here, on my watch,
while I was distracted with a party that...

Tahani was throwing for me,
which I didn't want.

Michael, you mustn't blame yourself.

I'm not. I'm blaming you.

Anyway, what is there to say about
Janet that hasn't already been said

by the giant Janet alarm in the sky?
"I've been murdered."

- I think that says it all.
- Hello!

Janet! You're alive!

Hello! Architect,

Please enter your four-digit pin.

Uh, what is it...
um, what is it...

Oh right, right, right.
It's my, uh, my birth year.

Oh boy, I gotta change that.
That's too easy to guess.

Janet, who murdered you?

- Oh, no.
- Shh...

Hello!
- Yes, hello.

Oh, yeah, uh,
her memory must have been wiped clean...

So now she's gonna have to

re-upload all the knowledge in the universe

which will only take a few days.

Okay.
- Hello.

Hello.
- Hello! Hello.

Everyone, um...
until I get to the bottom of this

my retirement is officially postponed.

Whoo!

Hello!

Hello! Hello!

Ya gotta admit, I kinda nailed it.

All we have to do now is keep
the secret forever.

J dog, you cool?
- No.

By the time I got to the piñata
all the candy was gone.

He's not going to tell anyone.

Chidi? Cheedster?

What's, uh... happening, buddy?

You have a crazy look in your eye
and you're retreating into your shirt.

You're kind of like turtling.

Henry, are you all right?
What happened?

I have an aneurysm,
requires emergency surgery.

Doctors give me a fifty-fifty chance

so if there's anything you need
to say to me, you should do it now.

Oh, well, actually, um...

They let you wear your boots in here?

They're the only things
that bring me comfort.

That, and my wife.

But she's out getting me
a pair of backup boots.

She says it's my incentive
to make it through.

What did you want to say to me?

Oh, um, just that I'm here
and I love you, man.

I love you, too, boot brother.

Okay.

Had 'em sharpened.

Uh, yeah.

Chidi! You didn't have to stay
here all night.

So, surgery went well? All clear?

Right as rain, buddy!

That is so, so, so great. I hate your boots.

What?
- I told you that I loved your boots

three years ago, and I was lying,
and that lie has haunted me ever since.

And people tried to tell me it was fine

just a nice little white lie
in the form of social niceties

but I disagreed, and then yesterday
I thought you were gonna die

but now you're not dead and I can finally

be honest and say that
those boots are terrible

and hideous and I hate them.

Whoo!

This is why everyone hates
moral philosophy professors.

Yeah. I know. And I get it.

I don't care that she came back

or that we did it for a good reason,
I can't live with this lie.

I'm going to confess
to the murder of Janet.

What?

Dude, why? Janet is fine!
We didn't harm her at all.

We didn't? Hey, Janet?

Hello!

- Hello?
- Hello!

Janet, would you please recite
the English alphabet?

A, B... Janet!

She knows her A, B-Janets!

She literally knew everything
in the universe, and now she's a baby!

And even if she were OK,
it would be too painful for me

to live with these lies.

What are you talking about?

It is so easy to live with a lie.

I once pretended to have a terminal illness
to meet Scott Wolf at a Sunglass Hut.

A victimless crime.

Fine. I won't say anything,
because I promised to help you

and the moral implications...

of everything that we've done

are so complicated that I may
never untangle them.

But I hate lying. I always have.

And this is going to
eat me up inside, forever.

You might be able to shrug this off
and forget about it, but I never will.

Hello.

Hi.
- Hello.

Hi.
- Hello.

Jianyu.

Michael? Janet said you wanted
to speak to me.

But actually, she was just drooling
a lot and saying "hello"

over and over again,
but she did point at you.

I owe you an apology.

Oh, no you don't.
No, um... but please continue.

You were only trying to help.
And I let my sadness cloud my judgment.

You're a wonderful person.

And if I ever do have a retirement party,
I hope you plan it.

Thank you for gathering, everyone.

I want to keep you all updated.

Here's what we know.

Someone slaughtered Janet.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

- Okay. Easy.
- I assume that this horrifying act

is somehow related to
the other issues we've had here.

It also means that the problems
in this Neighbourhood

are not one hundred percent my fault.

There is something else at work here.

If anyone has any information
about any of this

I beg you. Tell me.

Hey, I love you, man.

Michael?
The problem in the Neighbourhood...

is me.

I was brought to the Good Place by mistake.
I'm not supposed to be here.