Original subtitles

Mommy, where's Lewis gone?

Um, he's gone away.

And two AA batteries in the pointer, or as seen in the night sky.

You are listening to WNFH 88 .4 FM in New Forest, Illinois.

We're licensed by the FCC to operate at an assigned frequency of 88 .4 megahertz

with an effective radiating power of 100 watts.

Personal opinions expressed on the air are not necessarily those of the New

Forest Township Board of Education or of WNFH Radio.

We hope that you will enjoy today's broadcast here on WNFH Radio 88 .4 FM,

North Shore Public Radio.

Original broadcasting will resume with the commencement of the new school year.

Aspiring student DJs can submit their audition tapes up until the first day of

school, September 4, 1995.

Have a cool day and an awesome summer.

Huh?

That's a lot of tape.

Yeah, well, it was a two -pack or a 20 -pack. I'll let you get it. Those were

the options. You could have two or you could have one.

Screw you, Radio Jack. How's my damn allowance?

Gone.

Are you sick? You sound nasal.

I'll eat shit.

Don't bring your sick into my house. I'm not sick. It's all allergies.

Plug the AV cords from the back of the CD player in the tape player so we can

just pump music directly in it. No. No, the other way. Don't be stupid, Harry.

You're stupid.

Get close to the mic.

Test, test, one, two.

Testing.

Testing.

My, my.

Harry.

Little boy testicle.

All good.

Let's do our intro. Let's do our intro. We'll record the intro afterwards.

I do not work. If I do not, I'll be inscribed. We'll do it afterwards.

Fine, fine, okay.

Set the level.

Set the level.

Set the level.

Yes, so Whitney, the levels are set.

I want to run to you.

Those levels better be set, Clyde.

You know what I mean? Those are set before I start. Get it right, Clyde.

Do the Do's. Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, do.

All right, let's go. I've got to go.

Well, it's just the audition tape. It's only going to take 15 minutes.

Three, two, one.

Welcome to Screams from the Tower with Julian Rosdahl and Cary Geller. I'm

Julian Rosdahl.

And I'm Cary Geller.

Prepare yourselves.

Prepare ye the way of the Lord, and... Welcome to the show.

Both of you, grab your backpacks. Let's get in the car.

Why? What is that?

It's toast. Nothing is on it.

Come on. We're going to be late.

No!

Don't you have a backpack?

No. Don't you need to carry books or something?

No. It's a half day.

Have a good day.

Even though I saw you, like, the day before yesterday, I feel like I haven't

seen you all summer. Oh, my God. No, right?

Did you get the hell out of my way? Oh, yes, yes. Liz, there's too many people

in here. Hi, Liz.

I'm Sam.

Hey, Karen. Hi, Liz. Where's Jillian?

Late.

Andy, I got tape.

Right. The tape. Oh, my God. If you guys are on the radio.

Yeah, I'm going to head to the homeroom.

Mine's on, like, the total opposite side of the school this year, so I'll walk

with you.

Carrie, come.

Oh, I was going to actually wait for Julie. You are going to be late for

homeroom. No.

So come with.

Hey, girl.

Julie! You're late.

As per usual.

The bell already rang.

Got the tape?

Giving it to her right now.

Nice. See you later. Later. Great to see you, too.

Change between the boys that left here as sophomores last year and the men who

sit here before me now. Mr. Julian Rosdahl. Mr. Dana Gus. The last to

But I did arrive.

Welcome back to 11th grade homeroom.

Juniors, I trust your summers were excellent.

It was peachy.

Peachy.

Glad to hear it.

Hey, Julian.

What's up?

Hey, Peter.

So since we're talking about Delta -9 tetrahydrocannabinol, let's talk about

-piglet.

What do you mean?

Don't just look like blows.

You're wrong.

No, you're wrong. It's a chocolate -flavored whipped cream. It's a mousse.

not a mousse.

What's up, guys? Hi, Benji. I'm so depressed to be back at school, man.

I heard you guys submitted a tape for a radio show. Yeah, sure did. Yeah, me

too. What's your show called? Can't tell you that. I don't want it out in the

ether, you know? No, it's superstitious. Once you say it out loud, it's

recognized by the collective unconscious. But I'm pretty sure we're

a show. I've got someone working it on the inside.

Cool, cool, cool. Yeah, totally. I mean, I probably won't get a show.

Craig Mendelstein and Jason Radansky submitted for one, and Clay and

Those dicks.

Those guys suck. They're schmucks. I hate those guys. Their sense of humor

me gag. Lame -ass Dave Matthews guitars. Circle jerking. Yeah, they do that. And

they'll totally get a show, too. Oh, yeah, lame -ass hippie shit. Too much

testosterone. Way too much.

Hey, you boys want to get in the game? You know, just break a little sweat, get

your heart rates up?

No, thanks. No, not really.

Do you guys know who decides if we get a show or not?

Whoa. These are a lot of tapes, Miss Kay.

Call me Mayor.

And don't be overwhelmed.

You, my little techies, my budding audio engineers, you are going to help me

choose who gets a slot next year on WNFH and who does not.

Susie, will you divide the tapes evenly amongst everyone?

Okay, Mayor.

Take the next three days.

Listen to the tapes. Come in with your top three choices, and then Jen and I,

will make the final call based on originality, entertainment value, and

diversity.

Copy?

Okay.

I'm in the zone. Do not distract me. Can I get a ride home after you're done

with your audition?

Oh, I was going to ask Sarah Jane if she wanted a ride.

Oh, my God.

The Sarah Jane crush is still a thing?

Who's more important, me or Sarah Jane?

You.

Julian! Julian!

Hi, Susie.

Hi, Julian. I got the tape. You got it. Awesome.

And I made sure yours and Carrie's were my number one.

Thank you.

So much, Susie. Did you have a good first day at school?

Wait. Wave hi to Carrie. Hi, Carrie.

Hi.

Oh, God.

Well, I'll see you later, Susie. Okay. Goodbye.

Bye. Bye.

What the hell was that?

Susie LaCour? Yeah, I know who that is.

Yeah, she's my in at WNFH. Oh.

Oh, my God, are you using a girl with Down syndrome for your own personal

Carrie. No, Julian. I am not using her.

We're friends. Friends. Uh -huh. Friends. Uh -huh. Yeah, uh -huh. She's

with you. Her hands were inches from touching your butt. I mean, centimeters.

I am not using her.

Carrie Geller, you're up.

Break a leg?

Thank you.

Turn that TV off and we're going to go dance!

Hey,

what's so late?

I'm excited.

Did we get it?

I don't know.

Well, let's go!

Why don't you ever have a bag?

What? Where do you keep all your books?

Did we get it?

No. What do you mean, no?

No.

Are you kidding me? No, he's not kidding you. I guess you and your boyfriend

aren't good enough to be on the radio.

Or the... I'm not gay. Get out of my face. You smell like ham.

I don't smell like ham. I'm Jewish.

There's nothing good in it.

Let's go.

I wish you were Jewish. That look.

Julian! Sorry,

Susie. Didn't see you there. I'm so, so sorry, Julian.

Please don't be mad at me. I tried.

Okay, Susie, it's not your fault. Someone else got your spot.

Who?

Susie Anderson's dickhead? Your tape was so good. You're so talented.

You're so funny.

I love your hair so much. Please don't be mad at me.

I'm not mad at you, Susie. Do you promise?

I love you.

I have dreams kissing you and putting your tongue inside. Thank you, Susie.

Thank you for trying, Susie.

Your day is totally ruined.

That little hog -gunting woman.

She's an idiot. The fact that she gets to choose who's entertaining enough to

on the radio is absurd.

I want to see her credentials. What are her credentials?

A master's degree in theater with a minors in communication?

Who cares? She has no discernible taste. Oh, my God, no. Pleated khakis? With

her body shape? She dresses up like she's going to a lesbian.

That's because she's a lesbian.

No. No, she's not. She's engaged to Rudy, that guy that owns a TCBY in the

Whatever.

I'm so depressed.

I'm just going to run into traffic. Just run me over with your goddamn minivan.

Julie,

don't be depressed.

Look, we could pass you fast for some marijuana.

I mean, we could always try next semester, right?

No, stupid. You get a show for a whole year.

Which means we can't apply again until next year when a senior with a show

graduates. I'll be 375.

But we're juniors.

Okay, and that's the thing. New juniors get a show, right?

Clayton Lieberman did. Okay, but come on, sweetie. Clayton Lieberman provided

Mare with sexual favors.

Right, okay, and her humor is unique, and Mare is just too stupid and big

-headed to understand any of that.

$15.

$15.

Marcia, are you serious?

$15.

$15.

You're ridiculous.

Ridiculous.

You take it in all ones and one two?

Thank you.

She's not worth being depressed about. That's easy for you to say. You have

things.

You're in the play and you've got rehearsals.

Okay, yeah, but you could have been in the play.

You could have got in if you just auditioned or something.

I don't want to be in some Irish period drama. No, that's definitely a period

drama. You guys, you guys, you guys, you guys are crazy.

You guys make absolutely no sense.

We just started.

Oh, my God. You guys are going to absolutely shit.

What? What is it?

I love people.

Yeah, barbecue.

Weird. What is it? Spit it out. It's insane. Okay.

Sorry you didn't get the radio show, by the way. Blame Mary. I do. I mean, she

hates me. All teachers hate you. That's mean. It's true.

It is true.

Anyway. Anyway, all right. So, Kirk Noodleman got the radio show, right?

It's crazy. I know. It's crazy. But we just found out.

Kirk Noodleman is getting shipped off to military school.

Like, tomorrow.

Why? Because Kirk Noodleman got busted by some PTA soccer mom for, like,

fingering an 8th grader in the Forest Preserve, like, right next to their

Holy shit.

So that means Kirk Noodleman's not exactly going to have a radio show this

Now is he?

How about that shit?

Congratulations.

Welcome to WNFH.

You all have been chosen to represent the thoughts, feelings, talent, and

diversity of this school.

You are the voice of WNFH.

That's our sign -off.

The voice of... Everyone say it with me.

The voice... Voice of WNFH. Very good. You are.

You are all that for.

This is Jen.

Yes.

Jen is the technical supervisor here at the station, making sure that we all

follow the rules, regulations, and statutes as demanded by the FCC.

Jen makes that happen all day, every day, seven days a week.

Jen.

Our technical staff, raise your hand. And technical staff, yes, there you are.

Yes, in here, they are your supervisors.

They run the show.

And they report to me.

If you do something wrong, and you will do something wrong, they come to me. If

you swear on the air, they come to me.

If you play illicit music, they will come to me.

If you use the equipment improperly, they will come to me.

And if you go against me, and no one...

goes against me, they come to me.

And who am I?

I'm Mayor Krem Savage.

I am God of the air.

I can put you on the air and suck you out.

And if any of you budding radio personalities make it till your senior

then you too might win the coveted Golden Mike Award.

Previous winners of this award have been famous radio DJ personalities,

sportscasters, local actors, some of you.

Pretty cool, right?

Let's get started. I want half of you with me and half of you to follow Jen to

check out the equipment.

I like that enthusiasm.

Let's go.

This is your mixing board.

You don't need to know what half this stuff does.

Now, for those of you that have the morning show, that's prime time.

It's when you get the most listeners.

The hot slot.

6 .30 a .m. to 8 .30 a .m. Uh, Jen, how do you go about getting a hot slot?

Mayor decides.

Before you start your morning show, the first show of the day, you gotta flip

that big red lever on the wall behind that plastic box.

That turns the tower on.

You got me?

Yeah. We say copy.

Copy, copy.

These are your mics. This one's a little loose.

These are high -quality professional microphones, so don't jerk them around.

Through this plexiglass window is booth two.

If you have a guest on your show or your news correspondent is on, you put them

in there. We have a news correspondent?

All the hot slot shows need to devote a minimum of ten minutes to a news

correspondent. That's cute. Fun.

Robin? Oh, yeah, Robin Jones. Are you done?

Yeah, I can be done.

This is the dump button.

Everyone come close and take a look.

If you curse, if you say something inappropriate or stupid, and you will

you are high schoolers with filthy, sexually depraved, horny minds, hit the

dump. When you're broadcasting, there's a five -second delay.

And when you inevitably say something repugnant, hit the dump immediately.

This will allow the broadcast to skip the filth you have uttered, and you will

then be live.

This is probably the most important button on this desk.

Familiarize yourself with the dump.

Trust the dump.

Use the dump.

Take the dump.

Any questions?

Good.

Moving on.

Susie, just thank you again for getting us a slot.

Do you think... Right.

Susie, do you think there's any way that you could get us a morning show slot?

Oh. Oh, I don't know. No, it would just, it would mean a lot to us, to Julian,

even. I mean, he would do anything.

Anything? Anything? Even a date?

Um, yeah.

All right, everybody, settle down. Those of you with Jen are not with me. Those

of me are not with Jen.

Switcheroo!

Switcheroo.

Thank you.

Now, I'll put some extra chips on the side for you, Julie.

Because you cute. Thanks, April.

Can I have some extra tomatoes in my sandwich?

You can wait your turn. That's what you can do.

Well, I'm talking to my friend Julie here.

Okay?

How's the school year going for you so far, Julie?

Not bad.

I got a radio show on WNFH. What? The school's radio station.

You gonna be on the radio, Julie?

What?

Maybe.

Julie's gonna be on the radio.

And you can listen on your drive to work in the morning.

I sure will.

You know I will.

You should have me on the radio.

Now, I would be good on the radio.

I can sing.

Yes. Totally be on our show.

Do you want to be our first guest?

Yeah.

Now, go and get on out of here so I can deal with that needy child standing over

there with that look on his face.

Love you, April. Love you, too, Jimmy.

Guys, girls.

Wait, I need to wash my hands.

Nasty. Yeah, I'm not into it. Did anyone touch this?

Hey, dude, I just wanted to say congrats on the show. It's really cool.

Thanks, Veggie.

I didn't get a shuttle lady to do our first show.

Yes! Wait, April, the change!

Hey!

What's the language?

Change!

Don't be mean.

I'm warning you, Samantha.

Watch it.

Samantha.

You said that so formal. Hey, I want to be a guest on the show.

You can be a guest.

Wait, really? But what we really want is your mom to be a guest. No, no, no, no,

absolutely not.

Absolutely not.

Where have you been?

Learning lines for the play.

I'm doing homework for tomorrow so I don't have to do it tonight.

I'm talking to Sarah Jane.

I got April, the lunch lady, to be a guest on our first show.

Sweet. And my grandma's going to do the weather report.

I'm going to be on your show. Liz is going to be a guest.

Liz's mom is going to be a guest. Yeah. No.

No. No.

No. Absolutely not. And we need to pick a news person.

Right.

Robin Chong.

Oh, hi, Julian. Hi, Carrie.

Hi, guys. What's up?

What's up? What's up?

You're on the newspaper, right, Robin? Yeah,

sure I am. I mean, yes.

Did you sign up to do the news on the radio?

Oh.

No, I didn't.

I didn't. I mean, I didn't know that.

I didn't sign up. You should. You should sign up. We want you to do the news on

our show.

We have a hot slot Tuesday morning, 6 .30 to 8 .30. Want to do it?

You should do it, Robin. Yeah, you should do it. You'd be great. Just go

up. Do it now, Robin. Do it right now.

Okay.

Great. Great.

I'll call you tonight, give you all the info.

Okay.

She's going to do great. Oh, my God. That's so easy. Oh, wait. I don't have

phone number.

Just look it up in the school directory.

Okay.

Joe, come on, Julian, come on!

Julian, then put milk in it. Do I have to do everything for you?

Julian,

let's go!

Do you have your bag of goodies?

Yeah. Do

you have a backpack?

Yeah. Homework? Where do you even go every day, Bloom?

Just have it lightly, Mom. I told him to take a cab.

Where's Robin? I told him to meet by the front door. He said side of theater. I

did not carry... Hi.

No. Hi, Robin.

Robin, Sean.

What are you doing in here?

You said to meet out front.

You want a shit wig?

No.

Jen?

Yes?

We're here to do our radio show.

Yes.

Okay.

Perfect.

What should we play this morning? I don't know.

I'm wired. I'm a little wired. Be wired.

Yeah, I mean, I'm excited. Be wired.

Good. What do you think?

It's too amazing.

It's a surprise.

You're a surprise.

What do you think? Are you ready? Should we power her up?

Power? Flip the switch?

Flip the switch. Turn her on.

Power her up.

Hi,

Robin Chung.

Hi, Robin Chung.

Hi. Can I stay here?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you can just stay there. That's your booth. You own that

booth. Yeah.

Oh, but Robin.

Robin. Oh.

Robin. Hey, when we have a guest, you let them take the mic.

A guest.

Yeah. Yeah. And you can go if you want after your news.

Or stay.

Or stay. You can stay.

We are not prepared.

When does April the Lunch Lady arrive?

Here, you know what? Just get comfortable, okay? Yeah.

Is there a microphone so I can talk to her? I'm screaming.

That would be pretty funny, though.

What if we... What if we did that? What if we started the show like we don't

know how to start the show?

Don't tell Jen!

Yes, oh, my God, now.

Now, now, now, now, now. Okay, ready? Three, two, one.

You are listening to WNFH 88 .4 FM in New Forest, Illinois.

We're licensed by the FCC to operate at an assigned frequency of 88 .4 megahertz

with an effective radiating power of 101.

Personal opinions expressed on the air are not necessarily those... of the New

Forest Township Board of Education or of WNFH Radio.

Well, we have to start the show, Carrie.

We're here, it's official.

We don't know what we're doing.

Robin,

Robin, Robin Chung. You hear me?

Robin.

We have to start the show, okay, Robin? I'm going to call him.

Mom, no. Mom, please.

Well, when? When can I do it? I want to be on the radio. No, no.

Robin!

Robin Chung!

Robin Chung, can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Yeah, there's a little button for headphones on here.

Talking to the microphone here, that's why we can hear you.

I'm here.

Robin Chung is here, everybody.

Robin Chung has arrived.

Finally,

Robin Chung, come on. I'm sorry for laughing so much, but the wig.

Oh,

yeah, that's good.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, we are.

Hideous wigs. We are. Mine is, like, an updo. That sounds weird.

Honey,

would you stop acting like a radio? Just give me one second. You never know how

to do it. I know how to. I'm a little blondie, aren't I? Mm -hmm. A cutie. Ah,

thank you.

Robin, do you have any questions before we start? We're going to start in about

30 seconds.

Oh, no, not really.

Okay. Yeah. Robin.

This is radio.

You gotta talk. Just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.

Don't be shy.

Like normal.

Oh, I do have a question, actually.

Yeah, please.

Why do you call your wig shit wig?

Don't put that... I... Should I

repeat the question?

No.

I gotta go to work.

Just don't move.

Give me that phone, Lizzie!

Theme music.

Terrific.

We're sorry.

We're sorry, Jen. We forgot to dump. We forgot to hit the dump button.

No!

How could she know? Sorry.

What?

What? Is she talking? I think she's rolling an ice cube around in her mouth.

What are you saying? What?

Well, what a great way of starting out our first show. Perfect.

You are listening to WNFH Radio.

Welcome to Screams from the Tower.

I'm Julian Rosdahl. And I'm Carrie Geller. Welcome to our very first show

to you live from the top of the tower at New Forest High School, or as some of

you listening may call it, prison.

Totally. I guess we have to start off our very first show with an apology

off the bat. But do we, though?

You know, it's bound to be rough our first time.

We are virgins. We are virgins.

Oh, Robin's a sorry virgin.

Robin, we are very new at this.

Jen?

Jen is staring at us furiously through that little plexiglass window.

She's mad. No, are you kidding? Jen thought it was funny.

Right? Didn't you, Jen?

Nope. Nope. Nope. Guess not.

Jen, our technical guru here at WNFH, did not find our newsgirl cursing to be

amusing. We said the S word. We did.

She's mad. Jen, is Mayor going to be pissed?

So mad, right, Jen? Yep. Jen and Mayor are going to be pissed. Well, Jen.

We have a terrific show for all you listeners out there today.

All seven.

We have a terrific guest coming in the studio in just a little bit. She's big,

she's black, and she's the funniest woman I've ever met in my life.

April the Lunch Lady is going to be here today. Oh, wow!

And now for some real news from our real news gal.

It's tons of fun, Robin Chung with Current Events.

You made this little ditty.

I did. Good.

Robin. Hey, Robin.

What's the news?

Give it to us straight, Robin. We want our news straight, Robin. Not gay. No

news, Robin. Can you say that on the air?

Could you get yourself together? This is the news. What would Cronkite say?

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

The worm, Bodnia, rages on.

Oh, come on, guys.

What is that?

What? It's a country. What do you mean?

Bosnia. No, that's balsamic.

There's a war in Bosnia.

And now, our very first guest ever, New Forest High School's very own lunch

lady. Food and beverage supervisor.

Yes, food and beverage supervisor,

April. It's April, everybody.

Yes, it's April in the house. Welcome, welcome.

Hi.

Hey, April, we are so lucky to have you here today as our very first guest ever

on screens from the tower this morning. There's so much that we can talk about.

But first, you wanted to share a little something with our listeners out there.

So what are you going to do for us today?

I'm going to sing.

Amazing. And what are you going to sing?

His eye is on the sparrow. I sing it in church.

Amazing. Absolutely spectacular.

Take it away, April.

Why should I feel discouraged?

And why should the shadows come?

Well, boys and girls out there in Radioland, we hope you've enjoyed our

first show. I want to thank all of our guests today.

April, Robin Chung.

Yeah.

Thanks for listening. I'm Carrie Geller. And I'm Julian Rosdahl.

Join us next week, won't you?

Screams from the Tower.

Tuesday mornings, 6 .30 a .m. Godly hour. And please stay tuned for the

next show, Hook, Line, and Stinker.

Colby Rappaport and Meg Coutts.

Coutts. Coutts.

Coutts. Coutts. C -O -T -T -S. Coutts. 88 .4

W -N -F -H.

Take us out with some more church music, won't you, April?

I sing because...

All right, welcome back to Hook, Line, and Stinkers. I am Colby Rappaport, and

am Meg Coots. Colby.

Robin, you can go. Thank you.

You screwed up, gentlemen.

Don't look at me like you don't know what I am talking about.

You jeopardized your future here at WNFH. But luckily I work on a three

system, and this is strike one.

And it is a pity, your first strike on your first show. Did you like the show?

Excuse me?

Did you like it? You know, other than the cursing, I mean.

But did you enjoy the show?

Do you think we have potential? Like Golden Mike potential?

Let us not get ahead of ourselves.

I think that you are weird.

Very weird.

But with a little hard work, discipline, you too can win the Golden Mike Award.

But, I mean, let's not put the cart in front of the horse, gentlemen.

Understood? That expression? Not really, no. You have talent. Don't screw it up.

Strike one.

Smoking grass on school property? Turn around. Up again. Stop.

They were awesome.

Maybe the most fun I've had ever. But we need more.

More sound effects. Way more.

Trademark singers.

Games. And a sidekick. A sidekick? Why? What? We need Robin Chung.

I'm so stressed out. I cannot keep up with this schedule. I have rehearsal in

ten minutes, I have a report due tomorrow, and I have to meet Sarah Jane

frozen yogurt. Sarah Jane?

Why?

Because I like her.

Carrie! What?

You like her?

I do.

Right. Okay.

Robin Chong is great at the news, and that's where she belongs.

We need someone like, you know, a sidekick.

Hey! Someone who isn't as funny or tame or as interesting as us.

We need a straight man.

We need an Ed McMahon.

Oh.

Oh, someone we can treat like shit.

God, I hope Jasmine's not home. I'm genuinely terrified of that woman.

Terrified, right? She looks like a scum and cryptkeeper. Hey, what's up, dude?

Hey, I'm Benjamin.

Oh, shit.

Should we go? No, no, no. It's inappropriate to get up from the dinner

Benjamin. Oh.

Julian. Carrie.

Hello. Hi, Jasnah.

Hi, Jasnah. Sorry to interrupt your family dinner, but we just had a quick

question for Ben, and we'll be out of your hair.

Privately, Mom.

Don't curse. Ouch.

Make it quick.

Good night, boys.

Good night, Jasnah.

Night, Javna.

Enjoy your... What's up?

Carrie, we're on. We're live. We're in the house?

Mm -hmm. I'm so in the house. That's what the kids say. They say, in the

They don't. Oh, my God.

I'm so nervous. I'm more nervous on the second show than I was on the first

show. I just can't believe they let us back on the air. Once again, the Mighty

Morphin Power Rangers have assembled.

Who's the pink one? I'll fight you for it. Deal. It is Tuesday morning, the 5th

of November. Nippy.

Balmy. Nippy.

Nippy and Balmy. Thanksgiving coming right around the corner like a bat out

hell. I don't think you know what Balmy means.

Welcome to Screams from the Tower.

Willis. I know you're plugged in. Everyone say hi to Willis, our new

Hi.

Oh!

Oh! Oh, what a roar!

My God, Julie, where did you find this guy? He's hysterical. Take it easy on

him, Carrie.

Willis T. Cordon, everyone.

He'll be joining us every week from now on.

Let's get into it.

See, Willis is here because we needed someone to talk who isn't funny. Someone

who is less entertaining than us. We are too much. We are too weird, it seems.

Or a lot. We are a lot. We have pizzazz coming out of our pores. We're oozing

from all our little holes. Don't ever say that again.

I don't ever want to hear you say ooze or little holes. You have a little hole.

We need a straight man.

Got my grades for the quarter?

Yep, me too.

A B average.

My mom ain't too happy, and I got the bruises to prove it. Is your mom beating

you? For my grades, yes, because it's a B.

How'd you do, Jules?

Um, don't want to talk about it. Well, you gotta go to class to get a grade in

class. And that's never gonna happen. No, it won't. Now, Jules, I just want to

warn our audience. At any moment, we are to expect...

An eruption from the EBS? An interruption from the EBS. An

EBS.

What is that? Is that something with the vowels?

Sweetie, that's I -B -S.

Don't patronize me. That's I -B -S, remember?

That's not... EBS is the emergency broadcast system. What are they going to

Apparently, our men are going to come through the door and we're just supposed

to listen and follow their instructions, I guess.

Like the Nazis.

Very good, Willis. Yeah.

Thank you, Willis. Thank you for mentioning the Holocaust.

Very, very funny. Always appreciated as a Jew.

Carrie is...

Of the Jews.

Yes, I am. You know, everyone loves thinking about the Holocaust on their

to work and school in the morning, don't they, Carrie? Oh, yeah. You know, get

up in the morning, have some breakfast, kiss the wife goodbye, consider the

atrocities of Auschwitz. Treblinka!

I like that one.

You know what? Let's play a song and cleanse the palate.

Yeah, once you hear about my Donnix, you'll love that one. Yes, please.

Uh, you want to introduce this one, Willis?

I don't know what song you're going to play. Aye.

Well, he's useless. We tried.

We did. We really did. We really did. Our straight man, everyone. So much for

equal opportunity employment.

Right. Yeah. You know what? It's turkey time, everybody.

Ah, right. For Thanksgiving.

Here's a systematic rounding up of turkeys.

Ben. That was hilarious.

Oh my god, Ben!

Ben, that was so good!

Yeah! Okay, why did you call me Willis?

I mean, now Jazza won't know that you're on the show. Because you're not on the

show. Willis is on the show. And you didn't give us the Holocaust.

Willis did.

Thanks, Willis.

Willis.

Willis.

Okay.

Turkey time.

Come on to the turkey time.

Turkey time.

Turkey time.

Turkey time.

Come on to the turkey time.

We've been waiting all year long for the chance to sing this song.

So much to be thankful for I'm just saying, objectively, Gus was a very

attractive man.

Oh, hey!

Here's an idea. Please refrain from making Holocaust jokes on the air.

Strike two,

gentlemen. What? For the Holocaust that's been saved. Are you denying it

happened?

Strike two.

Turkey time.

Come on to the turkey time.

Turkey time.

Turkey time. Give me your hand.

Dance with me, Julie.

Come on.

Come on to the turkey time.

Julian!

Julian!

Julian, get... Oh, you stepped in your clothes.

That's what he said.

So, we're here, live on the air.

It's amazing that we're here every morning. That's all I got to say. Now,

minute. Bye, William.

And I'm out of the house in half an hour. I don't shower. I just get up. I

on my selection of fine boy perfume, and I'm out the door.

David Off, cool water.

Yeah, you still smell something awful to me. Oh, I know. My boy perfume is

called Chup, Chup, Chup, Chup.

Chup. Chup.

It's fun to say, even more fun to wear. We have a great show for all you

listeners out there today.

Scoliosis testing starts today, just in time for Christmas.

Line up in front of the nurse's office and... Don't bring your own lotion. This

nurse never uses enough.

Oh, God. Oh, what? I think it's time that we talk about OJ.

How can we not talk about OJ?

Take a collar.

I could care less about the situation.

But if you're going to go there, I got to say, the theory about his son, how

son from his first marriage murdered Nicole, that's what you should be

about. That's interesting.

Hey!

Yeah, but then you got a racist cop.

Racist cop? Yeah.

You know, I'm just holding out to see the evidence.

Yeah. Yeah, you are, Miss Kirchner. Oh, no, no, no.

Call me Leslie.

It's very important that you use my first name.

So, are you ready for my segment now? Wait, Leslie, where is Liz?

Your daughter, our good friend. Does she know you're calling in?

Oh, I need her dad driver to school so I can call in.

I want to be on the radio.

Now, shut up and let me tell you the title of my segment.

Lesbian chat with Leslie.

Do you love it? Do you love it?

We're just going to talk all about, you know, powerful celebrity lesbians and

famous lesbians. I mean, who doesn't want to talk about that, right?

I love it. Yeah, I love it.

But Leslie, why do you want to talk about lesbians so bad? Are you a

Oh, fuck no!

I love this.

You know what, Kerry?

Yeah? We're on the air right now. Did you know that? Oh.

Yeah,

why don't you say hi to everybody? Hi, everybody.

Hey, Julian, I really love your show, your radio.

Super funny. So funny.

Hilarious. Thank you, man. My parents don't want me to listen, but I listen to

it.

I listen to it. That's awesome.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, creeps and creatures, it's our

show of the year.

We made it.

Barely. Jesus, Jules, this show has taken... years off of my life i'm dead

this point but it's the best year of your life so far right how much i've

devoted to this show too much too much not enough huge

can i borrow those no get your own okay but

i'm i'm like the next person please no and this is just fueling that problem

Okay, well, I need them because I'm the one doing the segment. Will it feed

headphones? Yes, you wait. Wait till you check yourself. We're doing the

segment. Do you not find anything that's important? Do you not care about me?

I don't care about school and stuff. You would never care about school. It's

like... Ooh, someone gets their own intro music.

Made it last night. It's good.

Prepare ye.

Gird the loins, kids. She's live. Why?

Our last guest of the year, it's Liz Kirshner.

Give them to me. Okay, fine. Oh, God.

Lizzie? Lizzie, we're here on the air.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi, Lizzie. Are you okay in there? Looks like you and Willis aren't getting

along too well.

Lizzie, you know, you can't give us your traffic report today because you're

already here in the studio. That's helpful.

I was kind of thinking I would do a new segment.

Oh, well, that's very presumptuous of you, Liz. Yeah, Liz, just have to listen

for a new segment. We run a pretty tight ship around here, Lizzie. I don't know

if we need a new segment. And if you guys hate it, you know, obviously we

have to do it, but, like, we'll just see how it goes. We'll probably cut it. I

am thinking of calling it Love Letters.

With Libby. Ooh.

Very good. Mark, Mark, Mark. Very good. We want more.

Give me more.

Very good. We want to hear more. Okay, well, you know, it's high school. The

hormones are raging.

And you got that big junior prom coming up. The last dance of the year.

Not going. Not interested.

The music is awful.

Awful. Turnabout. It is a turnabout. Oh, yeah. The girls ask the boys.

What? What? To say the girls shouldn't ask the boys to other dances? It's so

as crap.

misogyny but luckily i don't have to be asked because i have a date shout out

sarah jane you don't with the okay so around this time there's a lot of a lot

love lost a lot of broken hearts amen and even more love letters being

passed around so i thought i would read them like on the air okay the

drama i love it

Thank you so much for showing up in a lovely bra and cropped with panties, an

appropriate look for the segment.

Yeah, totally.

What did they just say? The Victoria's Secret, like, stilettos sprung from the

nipple tassels. Hot.

You know, at first I didn't get it. Look at those go.

Oh, my God. Those tassels have a mind of their own.

Lizzie.

It is a good look.

Actually, you know, I borrowed them from Willis' mom.

Jesus Christ.

It's all coming together.

I'm just going to read one.

This one was given to me recently.

Hold, Lizzie. We should keep this anonymous, please.

It is from a certain president I've been seeing recently.

Well, it echoes.

We are on pins and needles.

Dear Liz, I can't stop thinking about touching your boobs Saturday.

Oh, my God. Austin Hayes, calling you out, pal.

Oh, Austin Hayes, you charmer.

Like from my classes afterwards, you know, trash.

Hi, man.

Well, people give them to me.

People could call in or, like, read theirs.

I mean, it wasn't me. I didn't say it was me. It was you.

You said Austin.

No shame on that. No shame on that. We're writing to Liz.

Okay.

I kept it fairy and said Austin.

Well, he said Austin. You read it.

You read it. Morning, Mayor.

Maybe next time we can do it in your dad's car when you're not on your

See you in class tomorrow.

Love, Austin.

Hi, Mayor.

Morning, Mayor. Is everything... Get out!

until the end of the year. And you will never, ever be on air again.

Is that understood?

Is that understood?

Strike three.

Get out of my sight.

Now!

No, not here, not here. Come on, come on.

I thought she was going to spontaneously combust. I'm so sorry, you guys. Mare

hates me. No, are you kidding? That was amazing.

Oh, my God. She hates you.

Hates you.

But she was mad.

So mad.

You're never allowed on the air again. No, you're right. That was amazing.

Wait, they didn't pick you guys off? No.

We still have a show next year.

Oh, and we have to make an on -air apology, and it'll go in our transcript.

Yeah, my parents will kill me.

But it was worth it.

Oh, my God.

You guys

are the weirdest people I've ever met in my life.

She's not pregnant yet.

But driving?

No? Driving? No, why would I? I have the best chauffeur in the world. Oh, no

thank you. No more.

We'll change that.

So, Robin, you've never been here before?

No, I haven't.

But you've got to be used to this sort of thing, right? Jesus Christ, Dad,

Chinese, not Japanese.

I'm American, actually. There's a difference, Frank. I know.

I know. Drink your Mai Tai.

So?

Are you guys going to continue the fun next year?

Do you get to do the radio show again, or do you have to audition again? No, I

think they just let us do it again. Same time slot and everything.

Same slot?

Mm -hmm. That's what Susie said, at least.

Oh, we should have invited Susie.

Do I get to be on the show next year? Um, of course.

What a question to ask, sir.

You cannot do the show without Willis.

Hey.

Everything okay over there?

I can't do the radio show next year.

Schoolwork and homework and trying to make time for Sarah Jane. I just...

I can't keep up.

I'm just... Is it your parents?

No. No, I mean... It's just...

I need to go to law school.

I just really want to do theater.

Take this.

Why didn't you say anything about quitting?

I did. I just told you. Why didn't you say anything before, though?

Julian, you'll be fine.

Okay? The show, it'll be better without me. All right? It's your thing. You

don't need me. I can always come on as a guest.

You're deserting me.

And you're putting your fake little girlfriend.

Ahead of all of them. She's fake.

Julie, this is our thing. It's your thing. It's our thing, Carrie!

It's our thing!

People look at us different in school now. We're original. We're freaks.

You and I are freaks, okay? I need to think about my future and this show.

okay, it looks good on a transcript. I don't need two years of it. Carrie! I

don't need two years of it. What is this, just some college requirement to

You're obsessed!

Rational. I'm being rational, Julie.

Jesus! Julie, how many times are you going to wash your hands? Don't change

subject!

Why didn't Ben get a ride with us?

Because there's no room.

And his mother doesn't trust my driving.

Well, she's right not to. Okay, shut up, Frank.

And Jasnah doesn't like our influence on him. She thinks we're going to turn

him. Turn what, gay?

Okay, Carrie, your turn. Get out.

Thank you.

Thank you, Linda.

Thank you for dinner. It was nice.

Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

This is no way to end the evening, okay?

You both have hurt feelings. That's understandable.

But you have to act like big boys now, okay?

You two have been best friends since the second grade.

Now be nice.

Sorry.

Yeah, I'm sorry too.

Happy birthday.

Thanks. Yeah.

Good boys.

Okay, bye, Carrie.

Good night, everybody.

Carrie, people are listening.

Hold in my gold.

Gold.

Well, I thought that was a really fun night.

Oh, Frank, who are you, really?

Hello? Hello, does anybody work here? The machine stopped.

Rank -and -file proletarians, lazy, no -good worker bees,

automaton robot donkeys, hurting the sheep,

living horsemen.

Do you have an interest in being on the radio at all? How much are you paying?

is over, and that means we're back, kids, my senior year, finally.

Hi, Willis.

Praise the Lord. Hi, Julian.

Hey, what happened to that Carrie guy?

He used to host the show, right? Whatever happened to Carrie?

Great question. Great observation.

Our air quotes, good friend Carrie is no longer hosting this show.

Because, Willis, well, because...

Carrie has joined the army.

Shipped off to military school, all boys school.

A lot of group showers.

He's going to love that.

Bon voyage. Oh, that is just perfect. He will be a great fit for the United

States military.

You know, really, really rugged and masculine, that guy.

You know, he's like the brawny paper towel guy. A real Marvel romance.

Willis T. Cordon, everyone.

Emphasis on the oh.

How was your summer, Willis? My summer, it was lovely. I'm so glad you asked. I

did get all of my shots.

Oh. Got all of your shots for all of your STDs?

Exactly, yes. Good, good.

You know, I'm suffering some complications from all these shots. You

to the clinic last week, and now my, well, my genitals swelled up to the size

a pumpkin.

Oh. A gourd. Fun. You are looking a little bit puffy today. Yeah. I think it

an infected needle or something.

Well, you did say that they just used the same needle for everybody in the

clinic, right? You know, you got to dip that needle in some alcohol or some

peroxide or something.

You got to dip that tip.

Precisely. You have to dip the tip. You'd think they'd dip the tip, those

professionals. I know.

I hope that everything... Peter Wong!

Peter Wong?

Hey, go into Studio 2. It's next to Willis.

Well, now that Carrie has left the show and joined the seminary,

Willis has been promoted to not co -host status. Never co -host status. No,

never co -host status. Don't you forget it. Peter Wong has joined the show,

everybody.

It's a trial run, you know. Let's be real.

Peter Wong, everyone.

Introduce yourself. Say hi to our listeners. Yeah, say hello to America,

Hello?

I'm Peter Wong.

Racist. What?

I like the gong.

You had fun, right, Peter?

Oh, yeah. I had a lot of fun. If you want to be on my show again, you need to

on time.

You can't be late again. You need to be on time.

And I need Golden Mike -level performances every damn show.

But I have a long way to walk to get to the bus stop. And if I miss the bus,

we're... You take the bus?

Yeah, my parents have no car.

It's your senior year!

Yes, and now I know you guys don't want to hear my advice.

Yes, most important.

But also...

Just because it is your senior year doesn't mean you can flack off.

Take this year seriously.

Next year, you could be a bunch of lazy, cheeto -eating, pajama -wearing...

Well, I tried.

Have a great day, guys.

Uh, Julian.

Can you hang around a second?

Have a good one.

Bye, Peter.

Take a seat.

First, I want to say congratulations on another year of your radio show.

I'm surprised they let you back on, but thrilled.

Thanks, Gus.

Your show is weird and hilarious.

My wife and I listen to it religiously, and we really laugh our asses off.

She's a real fan of yours.

Yeah? Does she want to be a guest on the show?

We take all kinds, even normal people.

Ha! Ha!

Uh, I'll... Ah, she's, uh... She's not really extroverted.

Anyway, what I want to speak with you about is the rest of your academic

You're a senior.

Bravo.

And the rest of the seniors are preparing to go to college. But with

grades, your attendance, the rest of your scholastic future not going

so well.

And I'm afraid that if you stay on this path, you might not graduate.

I don't want to see that happen.

I'm sure your parents don't want to see that happen.

You don't want that. I actually don't. No, no, don't, don't, don't answer that.

You have to graduate.

And I want to help you.

I know you're a hard worker.

Thanks. Which is evident to me by the amount of work you put into your radio

show.

I really think you're special kids.

Talented.

And this environment, this kind of school doesn't always foster those kids

are...

Different? Right.

I just need you to put a fraction of the effort you put into the radio show into

your schoolwork.

You must get your diploma.

Deal.

Shake on it.

Great. Now get out of here.

Thank you, Captain.

Don't be late for class. No more tardies. Ever. What? You have to show

Oh.

Wait, Julian.

Don't you have a backpack?

He lives here?

Yeah.

In a Chinese restaurant?

I think he lives above it.

Racist.

I just, I would get tired of eating Chinese food every day.

Hi, Peter.

Hello. What's going on, Peter?

Thank you so much for the ride.

Oh, this is a nice car.

Oh, thank you. It's really not that nice.

Shut up, Juliet.

And President Clinton has appointed Madeleine Albright as the Secretary of

State. Madeleine Albright is the United States' first female Secretary of State.

Well, that's about time.

Mm -hmm. Show me the picture, Robin Chung. What does this woman look like?

I want to see the first woman secretary of state. You know, you're starting to

sound like a real news reporter, Robin.

Now, are we sure she's a woman?

This is wonderful news.

Why do you say it like that, Peter? Why do you like that?

I like women to be in charge.

Whoa.

Did you just get a little steamy in here?

Willis, you saw that too, right? You saw that. My, my, my. Now, that was ace.

Bite the little moment right over there, wasn't it? I saw it.

No, no, no, no.

What are you talking about? The way you said it, you were all smooth.

Yeah, Captain Nova.

Me and Romeo.

Come on, guys.

Come on, guys. Don't make Robin uncomfortable, okay?

You are uncomfortable, Peter. Robin's fine.

Robin's as cool as a cucumber. Oh, no. The boy is turning red.

I'm not interested.

Oh, no!

Ah, Peter! I'm sorry.

Robin Tong has just denied Peter, ladies and gentlemen. It is not a match. She

said no.

Rejected. Points for trying, though, okay? Right?

Hey,

awesome show.

Golden mic level.

Thanks, man.

What did he say?

Good job.

Really?

What are you doing there, Jed?

Flu season.

Yeah.

Tell me about it.

Oh, look, it's Julian Rosdahl and his morning queer crew.

Oh, look, it's Clay and Lieberman, the clean -up crew. What'd you say, gay boy?

I'm not gay.

Yeah. Right, you are the gay show.

What's it called again? Screaming Queens in a Tower?

Screw you, moron.

Hey, Julian, I saw your posters up all over town.

A little amateur, don't you think?

They're based off of British 80s punk rock posters, you dipshit. It's called

marketing. Marketing? For your not funny, slightly racist, somewhat

gay show?

Gay? I'm supposed to be gay.

Hey, kiddos, shut your butt.

Sorry. Sorry.

Clay, Lieberman, in the booth. You three, go to your homeroom.

Have a good show, bitches!

Don't even think about it.

I think Clay is hot.

So hot. Ew.

Wait, didn't you talk to Lieberman?

Oh, yeah. That doesn't mean I think he's hot.

Hi, cute bear.

Hi. Hi, Sammy.

Hi, Lizzie.

Show was funny today, Julie.

Thanks, dude.

Susie, hi. What's up?

The hell was that?

Maybe she had to take a shower.

Stop that. You're such a dick.

Susie!

Susie? Leave me alone. What's wrong? What is it?

Can you come out of there at least? It's weird talking to you in there.

Leave me alone.

Are you mad at me?

Did I do something?

Yes, you did.

What? What did I do?

You lied to me.

You said if I got you a radio show, you would take me out on a date and that

never... It's been a whole year. I did.

I said that. That's true.

But we haven't gone on a date yet. We haven't. That's just what I said.

But that doesn't mean we won't. Well, when?

I don't know. When are you free? Next Saturday I'm free. Yeah, Saturday.

We'll go see a movie. And dinner.

And dinner. Saturday, great. Saturday, great. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.

And in other news, I can't believe it, will it?

I've been accused.

Of being a racist.

What? You have?

Yeah, both of us.

Uh -huh. Well, what am I, racist against white people?

The show.

Will, it's the show. The show has been accused of being racist.

And, get this, gay.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me. We have had more races and accents and cultures

and ethnicities. And sexualities. That's true. Don't name names now. Than any

other show on this station.

I am the whitest person here, and I'm not proud of that.

I'd much rather be black. That would be wonderful.

And Peter, our new sidekick. He ain't white. I'm Chinese.

Yeah, exactly.

He's Chinese. How can we possibly be racist?

Are you fluent, by the way? Do you speak Chinese?

Nice!

See, that makes you sexist. You're not racist.

I never said I wasn't sexist.

Well, friends, it's been quite the show. Quite a show, indeed.

We've learned a lot.

We've learned that Robin Chung is a wanted criminal, capable of the most

and heinous crimes against humanity.

We've learned that we are all racist, and that the show is gay, whatever the

hell that means.

And now...

I have a stern -looking Chinese woman here in the WNFH offices, and she's

glaring, so that can't be good.

I think they've finally come to pull the plug. Well, hopefully she's not a

member of the Communist Party. I forgot to pay my dues.

That's my mother.

Peter.

Peter Wong, player you show, my man.

Gary? What?

Baby. What? Are you, like, anorexic now?

Your photo is so strange.

You have, like, nothing there. It's not restrained. Okay, it's distilled. I

don't want one of your messy -ass, handy garbage bowls. This is food. It's nice.

It's good.

It's what it's for. It's ice cream. What'd you get, Sergeant?

Um, I got the piña colada yogurt with different fruit toppings.

They don't like fruit.

Oh. I know. Why? Because it's absolutely disgusting.

What about you, Benji?

You a fruit fan there, bud? Or being kind of quiet? No, he's not a fruit fan.

Okay.

Can't be on the radio show anymore.

What?

My mom lost her shit on me.

She said she was going to take away my college fund if I stayed on the show.

And she'd take away access to her car for a year.

And then she said a bunch of mean shit about you guys.

Even my stepdad thought it was mean.

And I have to get a part -time job.

Ew, that's gross.

No offense, Benji, I literally hate your mom.

You're leaving the show?

You're deserting me too?

Come on, dude, it's not like that. Well, it sure as hell seems like that, Benji.

Julian. I don't have a choice.

Yes, you do.

And you too, Carrie, you have a choice.

But it's not the best thing.

That either of you guys have ever done with your entire lives. Coolest thing

that I've ever done. I've been to India. My mom is making me. You're 17 years

old. Are you just going to do everything your mom says your entire life?

Well, some of us actually want to do good in school and go to college. And we

have parents that actually make us.

Great. Fine.

Fine, you guys.

That's really great. But if you think that any of that crap actually matters,

then you're stupider than I thought.

So fine. That's great. Go. Go ahead. Be a boring, lame, regular, normal person

just following the rules, being obedient little suburban robots and never

actually doing anything with their lives. That's cool or important or

radical.

Go disappear back into obscurity, Benji, and enjoy your fake, meaningless,

ridiculous relationship, Gary.

I don't need any of you guys.

I never have. But this is great. This is great.

This is a good opportunity for me to go and do what I've been wanting to do for

so long now!

Make some new friends!

Oh my gosh.

Lou's driving his ass home.

Yes? You look great.

Go. Okay.

Okay. Hi, Susie!

We're by your limo!

Hey, here we go!

Julian! Open the door for Susie, for God's sake! Where are we? Right.

Sorry.

Oh, it's okay.

Were you raised in a barn?

My God!

Hey, clap on YouTube.

Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much. Which mannerly devotion

shows in this?

For saints have hands that pilgrim's hands do touch, and palm to palm with

palmers kiss.

Have not saints lips and holy palmers too?

Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.

Oh, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do.

They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.

Saints do not move, though grant the prayer's sake.

Then move not, while my prayers affect thy take.

Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged. Then have my lips the sin that

they have took.

Sin from thy lips? O trespass, sweetly urged, give me my sin again.

Susie, you wanna... What's the matter?

I'm so stupid.

What?

Fulton. Of course you're not attracted to me.

You're just being nice to me because I got you the radio show.

And because... Susie.

It's not like that.

Not you, Susie.

It's really not.

I'm not... You're not what?

I'm not attracted to girls, Susie.

But gay.

Hmm.

Oh, Julie, I am so happy to be co -hosting this show with you now.

You're a senior.

What? Like, when did that happen? Where did the time go?

We are going to make magic, boy.

I've got lots of friends I can bring on the show.

Yes, I will. But you know I won't.

And you better be careful.

Because I have got a lot of flavor, Julie.

Mm -hmm.

Keep listening when I talk.

I'm like...

People just lull me.

And if you don't walk out, I will steal this show from right out under you. Yes,

I will. Oh, yes, I will.

I will take over.

You better not try to steal my show from me, Miss Yolanda. It's just the two of

us now.

Everyone else has deserted us.

But I'll tell you what.

Miss Yolanda does not like waking up this early. No, no, no, no.

That's exactly what I do.

These early mornings wear me out.

Me too, Miss Yolanda, me too.

But I will say, I am enjoying this morning on air with you.

You don't have to get down to some real funky stuff. Is this a new co -host?

Miss Yolanda?

So this woman gets to be on the radio? Miss Yolanda,

do you want to know what I do when I'm real tired? And I don't think I can face

the day.

my trusty EpiPen and jam it right into my leg, and then I'm ready to go, go,

go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

An EpiPen? I got it.

That is crazy.

Do you want to try it? Do you want to try my EpiPen, Miss Yolanda? I have it

right here. No, I don't. Come on, just try it. We'll do it in the leg. No, not

the leg. No, not the butt cheek.

Okay,

five. Final answer.

Here we go.

Robin Chung, can you please try to peel her down from the ceiling? Can we get

Miss Yolanda some water, please?

Well, while Robin Chung and I try to peel Miss Yolanda down from the ceiling,

let's take a musical break.

She's not real.

Ma, I'm not explaining it again. That's a real live woman to me.

Bye.

Hey, Julian.

Uh, can I come in?

Um, sorry, I better not. I'm sick.

What are you doing here?

At my house?

Uh, great show today.

And Miss, uh, Yolanda?

Yolanda?

Hilarious.

Thanks, Gus. It's quite brilliant. I don't know how you do it.

You're missing school again today, huh?

We think it might be mono.

Ah. But the show must go on.

Listen, I... The reason why I'm here... I'm real worried about you,

Julian.

The attendance, the grades, you haven't... Like we talked about.

And I...

Well, I don't want to keep held back here, mostly because I know how you feel

about school.

Yeah. But at this point, it's a very real possibility.

Thanks, Gus.

We have a standardized test coming up in two months.

It's the kind that lets the school know that we can legally graduate you.

I would sleep a lot better at night knowing you could pass it.

Okay, Julian.

Well, uh, see you tomorrow.

It's hard.

It's hard for me to be there.

At school, I mean... There's just so many...

germs.

So, yeah.

I can't really think about anything else while I'm there.

It's hard for me to concentrate on anything else that's...

Not the show.

I can control the show.

You know?

I can control the show.

My funny Valentine Sweet

comic Valentine You make me

smile

Looks are laughable, unphotographable.

There he is, my little Julie.

I haven't seen a lot of you lately, but

I hear you every Tuesday morning.

What you doing out here, cutie? I love you, April.

Just waiting for my mom to pick me up.

It's Friday.

What you got going on this weekend?

You and your friends going to cut up and get wild?

No.

My friend Carrie's in the school play this weekend, so I guess I got to go see

that.

So what are you doing this weekend?

You want to hang out? See a movie?

Oh, that's cute.

But I got a husband, and he needs all of my attention, so I'm going to give it

to him, okay?

You should get yourself a girlfriend.

Or a boyfriend.

Right? Right?

You know what you want.

Don't be afraid. Go get it.

Love is a good, good thing.

Yeah.

Well, I don't really like kids my own age right now.

But me neither.

Oh, my God, Carrie.

That was, like, right. That was spectacular. He literally didn't even

you. And I think I'm attracted to horses now.

Thank you, guys.

Really sweet.

Where's Jules?

He was totally here. Yeah, he was just here. Yeah.

He didn't say, like, good show or anything?

Who doesn't say good show?

Right? Like, even if you hate it.

Pipe?

Beautiful, Miss Yolanda.

It is Tuesday morning, 6 .32, Valentine's Day. Happy

Valentine's Day, everyone.

Get your knives out.

Ooh, Julie!

I am so happy today. You know, I'm lucky because I have a good man.

But some people out there, they don't have anyone to call their own.

Well, I'm fortunate because Cupid, he was not afraid of Miss Yolanda.

No, no, no.

Cupid came right up in my booty and shot his arrow point blank.

And I had to get those things surgically removed.

And you know how much Miss Yolanda just loves surgery.

They load me up on all of that laughing gas. And they pull them babies out.

You see, I just hate the doctor's office, Miss Yolanda. And do you want to

why? It's because those places, like hospitals, are full.

Of germs.

You know, you're more likely to get sick from going to the doctor's office than

you are just going about your everyday life.

I believe that.

And it turns out, Miss Yolanda, that I have this little thing.

Obsessive compulsive disorder.

OCD.

Oh, no.

Julie. Is that true? Are you going to die?

Can I have this sort of myself?

No.

And no.

Miss Yolanda, it's a mental disorder where nothing feels clean

to me, and I have to go through these kind of rituals to make sure that things

are in order, or else I'll fixate on them to the point of not being able to

focus on anything else.

And when I think about it, I always have.

Like when I have a zit on my face, like a big, nasty whitehead.

And I pick at it, and I pick at it until it pops or I'm bleeding.

You know, whatever comes first.

Yeah, maybe.

Something like that.

This is the log of X, the function of X.

Okay,

okay.

Don't worry.

She's crazy.

No, it's okay.

I appreciate her very much.

Graduation is right around the corner.

Will I?

Won't I?

It's anybody's guess at this point.

And this is not only the last show of the year, but the final show of Screams

from the Tower.

It's been my life's work.

So vote for us for the Golden Mike Awards.

Miss Yolanda, we don't pay you. We've never paid you. You've been doing this

show for free all year. Read your contract, Miss Yolanda.

Well,

for our final show, we're going to be taking calls.

If you've never called in before and always wanted to, or never wanted to, I

guess, call now.

Call today.

And say farewell.

I'd love to hear from you.

And I need to fill the hour, so there's that.

April, thank you so much for calling in. I just got to tell you, I am so proud

of you.

Congratulations on the last show.

And I just, I can't wait to see what you do with your future.

Sammy.

I'm so incredibly proud of you and all the work you've done these past two

years. I love you so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so much. You're literally the

funniest man on the frickin' planet.

And always live long.

Hello,

you're on the air.

Julian, Bill Geller, first time, long time.

Diane's here, too.

Hi.

Thanks for calling in, you guys.

We think you're doing wonderfully. You're the best. Honey, honey, you have

bright future ahead of you. We love you.

Is this Marsha?

Julius, I am so proud of you. I couldn't be more proud of you than if you were

my own son.

And I'm so glad you got rid of that good -for -nothing Carrie.

She's nothing but dead weight.

Yes,

Leslie!

So handsome.

Mom. Because you could have been my top.

Mom. What?

Julian. Julian. Do you love me?

Welcome to Screams from the Tower Caller. You are live on the air with

What's new?

To be normal.

To be the person that everyone wants me to be.

Me too.

Totally.

You know, I think if I'm not famous by the time I'm 25, I'm going to kill

myself. You are.

You're so confident.

I'm not confident. I'm genuinely terrified most of the time.

But you got this show, and you're funny.

And people validate you and they tell you that you're funny and you're good

looking and you don't care what anybody thinks.

That's true.

I don't care about what people think of me.

But, uh, I don't know.

You know, I make this show in my bedroom.

Alone.

Where it's safe and people can't judge me.

And then I do the show in a plexiglass box.

Alone. Well, I do it with Robin Chung.

Who smiles at me the whole time and laughs at everything I do.

And I have guests of my own choosing.

So, I make a safe little world for myself.

And when it's time to actually step out of it.

I'm terrified.

You know, so terrified sometimes that I can't even function.

So you're not alone.

Man, trust me.

You are not alone.

Thank you, Julian.

He's not lying.

I think you call your show Screams from the Tower.

Is this what it feels like in your head?

God, in all of our heads.

Like, like, like the tower is our head.

Especially in high school.

All these voices just...

If you don't get that Golden Mike Award, I'm gonna burn this whole goddamn

school down!

Precisely.

Okay, can everybody, uh... Can you take your seat? Yeah. Sit down.

Is there music?

Can we? No music?

Oh, there's Gus.

Find a parking spot.

Yep.

Julian, late for everything but your show.

Gus, this is my mom, Linda.

It's lovely to meet you, Mrs. Roswell. Wow, you are way more handsome than

Julian has said that you are.

Nice to meet you, Gus.

Before you go in, I have your test scores.

Yeah, I really don't see that right now. You passed.

You're kidding. Bullshit.

Barely.

Couldn't believe it myself.

But you are free.

Thanks.

Thanks, guys.

Everything.

Go. Go in.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Presenting our first award is a person who is... Julian, Linda, we saved you

guys seats. It's fun.

It's Jen, everybody.

Jen.

Tonight it is my great honor to present the award for best music, which goes to

the radio show that played the best music as voted upon by the student body,

faculty, and members of the WNFA's radio staff.

And best reflects the music of our time. And the award goes to Stacy Katha and

Michelle Kimball. Congratulations. Come get your award.

The award for best comedy programming goes to...

The Culture and Diversity Award.

Congratulations!

Congratulations to all of our winners.

You know, it has really been a great year of radio.

It is time for the Golden Mike Award.

Okay, here we go.

This award is given to people who will most likely excel in

radio and broadcast journalism long after they leave this school and provide

our community with just really good radio.

So...

The 1997 Golden Mike Award goes to Clay Rudding

and Brian Lieberman.

Wow!

Let's go!

Let's go!

I mean, we all knew this was going to happen.

So I guess I just want to say thank you to my mom, God.

What a profound honor.

Yeah, good.

I love you, good.

I love you, good. Yay!

Congratulations,

guys. Okay, now, now, everybody, we have a very rare

and special brand -new award that is going to be presented by our

very own Susie LaCour.

are presenting a new award to radio show hosts who expanded our minds and heart

and our community and showed us how funny, smart, inclusive,

and creative radio can be. This award will forever go to those student radio

hosts that explore, push, and change the medium of

radio and alter our perception.

of what I can do.

I am so happy to have known this person and that I get to call on my

friends.

We're naming this award after this radio host.

It will forever be known as the Julianne Roald Dahl Award.

Julianne, will you please come up here and accept this special honor?

As I sign off on my last and final show, I want to say to all my listeners,

all the weird people who tuned in, called in, never called in, I hope I

offend anyone.

Actually, I take that back.

I hope I did offend some people.

What a boring show it would have been if I hadn't offended some people. You

know, what a boring life it would be if we didn't have us crazy people out there

to add some spice to all you normal people's lives.

And that's what I'm trying to say.

I'm not apologizing.

I'm not sorry.

Stay weird, weird people.

I will.

I'm going to drop it. I'm going to drop it. No, you're not. I'm going to drop

it. Use your core. Down. Nice. Okay.

All right.

Oh,

it's Julie and the big radio star.

You drove?

You drove Linda's car?

Yeah. You know, video killed the radio star.

Hey, Dad, don't be a schmuck.

Don't call me a schmuck, Care. You can drive yourself and the rest of your shit

to college.

It's fine. Okay.

So, you're leaving tonight?

Yeah, I... You know, before it gets dark.

Very excited to drive for two days and share a motel room and a bed with my dad

in his fart.

Sexy! Who needs farts?

I'll stir a chain, taking it.

Eh, who cares?

Totally. Yeah.

Are you going to come visit me at all?

I'm gonna miss you. I know.

I don't know who I am without you.

I have a secret. Everyone knows you're gay now.

Oh. Yeah.

Oh.

Okay, well... Bye.

Bye.

I'll call you when I get there.

You better.

Okay. I will.

Oh.

Driver's side. Yeah.

Driver's side.

Hey.

What are you going to do with yourself?

Everyone's going off to college and going to live their lives. I'm going to

fucking famous.

You got it? I got it. You got it.

I... I got it.

Yeah. Yeah.

I got it.

It's... it's... pupil core.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Thank you.