Original subtitles

Yes!

She shouldn't have gone on that bike.

I mean, I was telling everyone, "This is not safe."

You won't let go of the back of it and just let me fall, will you, Jason?

No, Aisling Bea, no.

Oh, ow. Oh. Oh. No, no, no. Ow. Ah, balls.

Where'd you bang?

Oh, sorry. Medic? Can we get the medic in?

- She banged her ankle. - Yeah. Clown down, clown down.

- Did you really bang your ankle? - Yeah, just the...

Oh.

Oh, shit, can we get the medic?

Yeah. Can we get the medic in?

- I'll go. - Show us?

- Oh, just the... - Did you clip it?

- Yeah, yeah. - Oh, shit. You might have sprained it.

Oh, my God. I'm such an idiot.

- That's actually embarrassing. - Did you sprain it?

- Are you the medic? - Yes.

Well, well... just when they thought they'd seen it all,

they didn't see my award-winning, Oscar-like performance of sore ankle.

- Clown down? Clown down? - Yeah, can we get the medic in?

- Thank you. - Okay, guys, step back.

- Can we all step back here, please, folks. - Thank you.

Please. This is a medical emergency.

Wow.

And in comes a clown. And Enya was brilliant.

She committed so hard to the role.

Can I get you into the recovery position, please?

I... Guys, step back, step back.

I was still kind of, like, oh, this is just a fun part of the game.

The medic's dressed as a clown. I was like, a bit inappropriate.

But I genuinely believed this was still the medic.

Oh, my God.

This is a medical emergency.

- Sorry. Thank you. - Aisling, how are you? I'm Tit the clown.

- Are you okay? - I'm not very well, actually, doctor.

Can I get you into the recovery position, please?

I... Guys, step back, step back.

So, I thought that that was Emma dressed up as a clown.

Yes, I can see. Are you bleeding, Aisling?

- Yeah. I'm on my period. - Okay.

And at that very moment, I turned around

and saw Emma Doran dressed as Emma Doran.

Oh, fucking hell. It is. Oh. I just had a moment.

I was totally buying into it. Then I was like, oh, that's Enya Martin.

She's a brilliant Irish comedian.

Step back.

What colour were your stools this morning, Aisling?

Oh, like, sort of purple.

- Kind of like jazzy. - Oh, no.

No, that's not good.

Can I get your blood pressure here?

So, you weren't pining mahogany, Aisling, no?

- Yeah. No, I think it's good. - It's okay. It's fine.

Oh, God.

It was really scary, like, I mean,

I'm scared by clowns anyway. I think a lot of people are.

Step back. Can you count backwards from 243, Aisling?

Martin, will you hold my hand?

Step back.

- I'm getting mixed messages. - Step back, guys.

- I'm getting mixed messages here. - Please, procedures.

Deirdre O'Kane leaning into the wine now.

Okay, Aisling, I'm going to give you a prescription, okay?

I'm going to give you a prescription.

See this here, Aisling? This is called a balloon pump, okay?

I can tell you now, I was milliseconds from losing this game.

I feel like I need to go on this again.

Two puffs of this up the bum per day.

Just two puffs.

And some flat lemonade.

Flat lemonade. Cure for all.

- Okay, are you ready? - Yeah.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Can you puff your cheeks for me, Aisling?

If you're puffing your cheeks it means it's puffing correctly.

Okay? Can we go, three, two, one.

Deirdre, I'm delighted to see, has now had a breakdown.

That's exactly how it should be, okay?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

You can't cover your mouth.

- I'm eating a pizza. - Sorry to be the rules guy.

The neck!

Mind yourself, okay?

Thank you, clown. Thank the clown.

- Thanks, Jason. - Are you feeling better?

Yeah, I feel a lot better now, actually, Jason.

Thanks a million.

Well, that was a load of bollock.

I'm going to do another poem.

- Oh, Jesus Christ. - Uh-oh.

This is called "My Autobiography."

"My autobiography is not selling very well.

Story of my life." Thank you.

Oh, come on now.

That was better. That was a good one.

You're not going to snap that on me, are you?

No, no. Just put it anywhere on my face.

What?

On my face there. Just choose an area.

Oh, Jesus, Jason.

- Don't snap it, though. - I don't want your heart to give out.

- Here. - No, no. Like over my head,

and onto my face.

- Snap this? - No, don't snap it.

What do you want me to do?

It almost can't be written down, what Jason does.

It's quite magical. It's a bit ephemeral. It's in the air.

- I don't know if that's going to stay. - I am doing very well, thank you.

You're very good.

- Thanks so much, Emma. - Very good.

Do you want to have a go?

I'll have a little go. Yeah. Is it difficult?

Catherine, would you like to try it?

- Maybe another... - That's a bit... a bit of a dangler.

Just choose.

Put your feet on the thing.

- I don't think I can with the Docs. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Jason is a proper competitor in this. He really is.

I'm very impressed.

- You got it. You've got it, Emma. - I...

I don't think I do. It's too difficult.

By the way, I'm going to leave you off anyway.

This is giving full dad of daughter energy.

Dave, how's that?

- That looks good. Yeah. - Could you maybe just bring...

maybe add something to it.

Jason Byrne was a revelation.

He's what you want all men to be. He's just uninhibited.

That's like a crown. A crown made of one carat gold.

That is quite smiley.

Oh, shit. No kidding. Wait. What the fuck?

Who was that?

It's definitely me. I'm gone.

Okay, let's get in there.

If I get a card because I was getting me face stretched, that's hardly fair.

But sometimes they backdate it like your fucking taxes.

Five yellows so far, but who's about to get a red?

We're going to find out.

Hello, everybody.

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

- Now, just to recap... - Uh-oh.

Who's got yellow so far?

- One, two, three, four... - Who's getting them?

Five yellows. Five yellows. Okay.

Now, let's find out if it's yellow or red.

Let's have a Look.

- No, don't snap it. - What do you want me to do?

- Remove your... - Just in the face.

Wait...

Look at you having a lovely time.

- Emma. - Harsh.

Oh, Emma. You were enjoying yourself.

- Oh, God. - You're it... You're out of here.

- You're out of here. - No!

Er, you say your goodbyes. You say your goodbyes.

I couldn't resist having a go at the bike.

I had to have a go at the bike.

Oh, I feel really sad.

You're fricking gorgeous. Don't you ever forget that.

Her little happy face on that bicycle,

and the idea that that would be her downfall was really quite sad.

Oh, finally. Bit of company next door. That'll be nice.

Emma Doran on the sofa.

The first red card of the series.

Emma is betrayed by her inner child and a tiny, tiny bike.

Guys, big group hug.

- Emma. - We'll miss you!

Emma's smile. Her satisfaction cycling a bike.

Who knew that was going to be the thing that got her out of there?

- Bye. - Bye, Emma.

Bye, Emma.

I tried. I tried.

Here she comes. Hello.

Welcome to my lair.

- This is very nice. How are you? - Is it nice? How are you?

So nice to see you. Hello.

I thought I'd last longer.

- Come here and sit down beside me. - Oh, thank you.

Such a little sneaky angle as well. I hadn't even figured out the pedals.

I was getting pushed.

You can hit that button,

but you got to put your hand flat on it like that, go, go, go, go, go.

See, it really works. It really works.

And then there were nine.

Does it feel weird not being in there now?

It feels great.

- I wanted to last... - Yeah.

But it's the smiling. I don't even know I'm doing it.

Yeah.

Oh, someone's getting ready to do something.

Is it Tony?

If Deirdre O'Kane tells me to do, like, drugs, I'll probably do it.

You've got real, erm, cool big sister

or girls in leaving cert.

- Yeah. - And you're in junior cert energy.

Can we just, er...

Come on, guys, we're all having a drink.

She was so cheeky.

She knew she could get me.

So, Catherine turned around, I seen her huge earrings.

I nearly lost it then.

Catherine, can I just say... Catherine, can I just say...

Can I also say, Catherine, that reveal right there was extremely dangerous.

- Thank you. Good. I'm glad... - I think I was on my way out there.

I'm really glad to hear it, Jason. I'll get you.

The thing about the earrings is, they were so heavy.

They hurt, but they were worth it.

I almost got them.

I need to go on the offensive here.

I had to bring out the big guns, the sexy cat guns.

Do you know what they call a banana in Scotland?

A nananana?

No, a banana.

Uh-oh!

Oh, here we go. Tony Cantwell.

Let's see a show. Brilliant.

Bit of entertainment.

Oh, my God!

- Oh, holy shit. - Uh-oh.

Ah, Jesus!

Well, look what the cat dragged in.

People were so confused.

Welcome. Welcome to the Litter Box.

And I'm going to be your dancer for this evening.

My name is "Tugger Me Shimbers."

Aisling, look at that cat.

You know, legally, you have to watch.

- Martin's in the thick of it. - Yeah.

When sexy cat arrived,

it stirred up feelings I've never really had before.

I've been cooped up my whole life in an apartment.

A pretty little apartment kitty.

Well, I guess you could say that tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

the cat is officially out of the bag. Ow! Ow.

Sexy cat. Jesus.

Ow.

Or should I say meow? Ow!

Good thing this kitty has got 69 lives.

Whoa.

Evasive eyes. Put them right here, baby.

♪ I don't want to put my eyes anywhere ♪

You know, my master Alan doesn't let me up on the sideboard.

But I don't see him around here. Do you?

Where is Alan?

That was so sexy. I've never seen a cat as sexy.

Ow, naughty kitty. This is Alan's priceless vase.

It would be a shame if something were to...

Oh, you naughty kitty.

Ring. Ring. Who's that on the phone? I'll answer it.

I can speak hoo-man.

I la la la la la love you, I love you.

I la la la la la love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

It's even funnier that people aren't laughing.

I la la la la la love you, I love you.

I la la la la la love you.

I've got to get a career. A job, anything.

Like, I can't be doing this forever.

You know,

I'd normally get the spray bottle for doing something like that.

Good thing this pussy's wet enough already, here we go.

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, my God. Okay. Okay, everyone.

Oh, my God.

Get up close and personal.

You know what they say...

You scratch my back, I'll scratch your dick.

Wow. Wow.

I'm in pain.

Amy's face.

What's the matter, kitties? Cat got your tongue?

He is killing it.

Did I forget to mention that tonight is dinner and a show?

That's not nice, Tony.

- Bad kitty. - Bad kitty.

I just really admired the anatomical correctness of the number of nipples

that were able to... to, erm, squirt the milk.

Cat milk.

You look like the cats that got the cream.

Where was I emotionally when he milked himself?

Bad kitty. Bad kitty.

I spent a lot of time trying to name the teams in the Premier League,

so I guess I was with West Ham while he squirted milk at me.

I've been litter boxed.

Sugar M... Tugger... I've been "Tugger Me Shimbers."

None of it was as funny to me as "Sugar Me Timbers."

Or "Shiver Me Timbers," "Sugar Me Whispers."

"Sugar Me Timbers." "Finger Me Whiskers."

And you've been the best pussy I've had all night.

Wow!

That's a closer!

- That's a smile. - Oh.

Fucking hell.

- That is one. I'll see you in a bit. - Okay.

Dropping like flies, lads. Dropping like flies.

Dropping like flies.

- Oh, Jesus. - I thought you were so close, right?

I was very close.

Now, anyone want to confess?

I could have smiled, but I don't think I laughed.

- Tony. Tony, that was amazing. - So good!

That was now.

Very, very, very good.

All right, let's see who cracked. Here we go.

- Holy shit. - Uh-oh.

Well, look what the cat dragged in.

Oh, check that out.

Who was it?

Not even trying not to.

- Fucking hell! - Not even trying.

I mean, it was hard not to smile.

Oh, my God.

No, you fucker.

Argh! Tony and his silly pussy. That got me.

Fucking hell. It was ridiculous.

The choreography, the costume... was just sublime.

Yellow for you. I'll see you in a bit.

- The green light will be on in a minute. - No!

Very good.

- Damn you, Tony. - Thank you.

It was my proudest moment.

I think it's just been sitting there dormant.

I think I might now just evaporate into space.

I'm so glad somebody did laugh at that,

because that was really, really great.

Well, Tony's sexy cat didn't cause nine laughs,

but it did earn Catherine a yellow card.

- It was so arousing. - So arousing!

Arousing. You were like...

Fuck.

- Oh, no. - Oh, Jesus Christ.

All right, let's go. Here we go. Back in the game.

Tony...

- You piece of shit. I'm coming for you. - That makes me happy.

- I'm coming for you. - I know you are.

Do you know what else that I found out on the Internet?

- Yes? - If you tickle a squirrel,

- it has a human scream. - It literally goes...

Jesus Christ. What happened?

If you tickle a squirrel, it has a human scream, it's like...

Fuck.

Do you know what else I learned about goats?

If you chase a goat, the way it bleats, actually, if you listen closely,

it's like it's saying, "Please stop."

Yeah. "Please stop."

You... You have to listen.

Your face, like, where's this going?

Oh, is Dave going to do a bit?

Okay, here we go. Here we go.

Oh, my gosh. Look at the hoops on that.

Here we go. Come on.

Well, the wheelie bin...

All right, all right, all right. Here we go.

Was it a great idea? It was an idea.

I'm so happy that I have a platform in which I can present to you

an actual solution to the housing crisis.

Yes, because there is a housing crisis, and this is the solution.

A lot of people say, think outside the box.

I'm asking you to think inside the fucking box, okay?

So, do you think he's making this up as he goes along?

- Do you just have a feeling about it? - I just have a feeling.

Also, inspired by the way,

- because I live near the canal... - Okay.

And swans, right, swans.

You don't say to a swan, er, "Are you homeless?"

- Why? - They can't talk.

By the way, do you see the way you guys are sneering and looking down?

Why? Because you live in houses. And that's great news, for you.

But for a lot of people, this is the solution, this is the future.

This is a place where everyone in the whole world has an opportunity

to not only own a house, but to be a house.

So, I'm just going to take a little nap now.

Also... Also, er, you know...

Hello, Mum? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool.

No, I'm sorry I haven't visited you in a while.

Okay. I love you. Bye.

How is she?

She's dead.

They're my neighbours. Sorry. Hang on a second. Sorry.

Hey, could you keep it down, please? Keep it fucking down.

Did you find a note that said, "David McSavage, age eight, screenplay"?

Call the police then.

I can't believe they've arrived so quickly.

Fucking hell. That's crazy.

We nearly set Aisling on fire. That was... That would've been...

I would've hated the drama, Jason.

So, I thought that was quite noble of David, and it was really...

Yeah. It was nice of him

to forego possible laughs to make a point.

It's perfect for a very small family.

The hope was that it was so silly and bizarre, it might stimulate a chuckle.

But I don't think it did.

Very good. Well done, that man.

I feel like I've got a purpose in life now.

I just picked up an empty glass

and just started singing the national anthem into the glass.

The national anthem from five hills away.

Yeah, yeah.

Jason Byrne, you are nothing but trouble,

and nobody here likes you. Goodbye, sir.

Goodbye.

- We just found a new thing. - Oh, yeah.

- Goodbye. - It's the national anthem

from five hills away. Or no, two towns away.

- Yeah, yeah. - Two towns away.

Yeah. No, I'm not going... I don't think I want to hear that.

Ooh.

That is too funny.

Jason, with the glass and the anthem.

My people are calling.

Christ.

Wow, you're good.

- It's good stuff. - You're good. You're good.

I have to say, you're very good, Amy.

How about this? Look. Hello? Hello?

1950. Hello? Hello, Amy, can you hear me?

Oh, hang on.

Maybe Amy can retaliate somehow. I'm not too sure.

Can you retaliate?

- Do I have to do a wee in this? - No, I don't think you have to do that.

- Do I have to do a wee in it? - Oh, my God.

I like that's where she went immediately.

Load of me flange arse. Oh, what's in this?

I think what will make them laugh, unfortunately,

is probably just something very silly.

One of the silly props. I think I might have

some of the silliest props on the set,

that are just so stupid and don't make any sense.

I think that's what they'll laugh at.

Does anyone know that Vikings invented wedgies?

Yeah.

Jason.

Oh, Jason, I can't handle you. Why are you so cute?

You have to guess what the weather wants for dinner.

- The weather wants for dinner? - Guess what the weather wants for dinner?

What grownup comes out with that?

What actual adult will say to you,

"What does the weather want for dinner?"

Spaghetti.

- Spaghetti. - Very good. Yeah. Very good.

- Very good. Very good. - That's fucking good, Jason.

What does he want at the mechanics? That's a good one.

- What does he want at the mechanics? - What does the mechanic want?

What does the weather want at the mechanics?

- Okay. - All right.

- Okay. Ready? Wait. Wait. - Yeah, go on.

- Loyalty. - Brilliant.

- What? - Oil change.

Wow. I got a major fish face all through, "What does the weather want?"

Did the weather want? What does the weather want?

What does the weather want?

- The weather can feck off. - What does the weather want?

What does the weather want?

A book in the library. A book in the library, all right?

A book in the library.

It's kind of a trilogy. It's a trilogy.

- Lord of the Rings. - Brilliant.

Oh, my God...

Oh, my God. Why is he there? What is that?

Hey, Deirdre. Check this out. Look.

It's like I'm in an earthquake, look.

She's lost her mind, has she?

You become a bit punch drunk, don't you?

This is my ex-boyfriend trying to get into my pants.

Now. Because my self-esteem is too high.

That's good.

That is working a treat over there.

That's brilliant.

That's right. I've moved on. I've moved on.

Okay, here we go. Time to create a bit of mischief.

We're sending in our secret weapon, Anne Doyle.

- No way. - Anne Doyle?

- What? - Oh, my God, Anne Doyle.

Good evening and welcome to the news.

Jesus, Mary, and fucking Joseph.

We're used to seeing her read the news,

but let's see if this can make them laugh.

She's the closest we'll ever have to royalty.

"When I was just a little lad, I used to go to school."

Oh, my God.

"I'd sit down there in the seat, feeling like a fool."

Anne Doyle reading "Aon Focal Eile." That's kind of peak Irish right there.

Oh, my God.

"The teacher taught us everything.

She taught us all we know.

She had a great big lump of a stick that was bent into a bow."

Anne Doyle is an iconic news anchor

and has some of the best comedy timing.

The pacing of when she covers "Aon Focal" and I was like,

I know where this is going.

"And she'd go, 'Aon focal, dhá focal, tú focal eile.'

And I not knowing no focal at all."

Of all the things together her to do, "Aon Focal Eile."

"Aon focal, dhá focal, tú focal eile,

and I not knowing no focal at all."

Like, it's just an Irish word that sounds like a swear word

but it's not.

Why is that so funny?

Over for the latest now to the sports team.

♪ And she'd go, "Aon focal, dhá focal, tú focal eile" ♪

♪ And I not knowing no focal at all ♪

♪ And she'd go, "Aon focal, dhá focal, tú focal eile" ♪

♪ And I not knowing no focal at all ♪

I thought they were all sick.

Deirdre went, "Ah, Jesus,"

like this, so I thought, "Oh, are they dying?"

♪ ...tú focal eile" ♪

The choir are always dying.

Who went into the choir? They're always dying.

♪ And I not knowing no focal at all ♪

Now, it's over to Claudia for the weather.

Claudia for the weather.

No.

- What? - Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

No!

- Fuckin' hell. - What the hell is going on?

The budget on this show.

I swear to God.

This show just kept giving, and giving, and giving.

♪ She taught about the history, the Battle of the Boyne ♪

♪ And how to play a game... ♪

Amy. Amy, stop looking.

- This is too hard. - Oh, oh, oh, ooh!

♪ ...learn of that information ♪

♪ If you don’t get it in your... ♪

And no, that was my toughest moment.

♪ And I not knowing no focal at all ♪

♪ And she'd go, "Aon focal, dhá focal, tú focal... ♪

I mean, the whole thing is so stupid.

♪ And I not knowing no focal at all ♪

♪ And I not knowing ♪

♪ No focal ♪

Jesus Christ.

♪ At all ♪

- My God. - Holy shit!

- I mean, wow. - Are you mad?

Oh, my God.

Well, that worked.

Somebody's gone.

Ah! We love you!

There's someone gone.

Okay, let's go dish out some cards.

This is like living in Reeling in the Years.

Hello, everybody. Hi. Hi. Hi.

At that point, it was a sort of storm and seeing who survives it.

Does anyone want to confess?

You people are sodomites!

Did you get the joke?

Are you trying to trigger me?

Deirdre, don't be a bitch.

Isn't that what I'm in here for?

And I gouged his eye out, and I fucking ate it.

Jesus Christ.