Original subtitles

Good luck finding anyone else

who can deal with the great Margie Argyle.

What do you think of theatre, Julia?

Don't we all just watch Netflix now?

(ALL VOCALISE)

Everyone, this is our new CEO, Julia McNamara.

The Argyle is having a few tiny financial issues.

This place is a disaster!

Bring out your invoices!

And when I do iron out these tiny financial issues,

I get my job back, and Ryan does, too.

Are you even gonna apologise?

Aww! Sorry for committing fraud.

You know what you should do? Something Grease themed.

What about a sexy Sandy?

So you're just gonna sneak a new play into the programme?

Our major production this season,

Le Paysan a Moitie Enterre.

It's supposed to be Grease!

# Eight, eight, nine, eight

# Eight, nine, eight Eight, NINE, eight

# And eight, eight, nine, eight. #

Huh! Huh! Huh!

(TRILLS LIPS)

Vuuuuuuuuuu.

Oh! What are they thinking?

Good morning.

Oh, here we go.

Wow.

Looking good.

That's too much.

Good luck.

OK. And... No.

Yep. Hey!

I'm sensing a bit of tension. Are you angry with me?

Oh, what do you think?

You looked fantastic in that Grease costume!

Did you get any nice comments?

Well, someone yelled "beauty school dropout" from a car

as I was leaving,

so I guess I have you to thank for that.

It's not personal, alright? I have to stand up for my art.

Is it art, or plays starring you?

Well, that's what the public wants.

Speaking of, I've just got a little budget here

for Le Paysan a Moitie Enterre.

Sorry, I don't speak whatever that was.

That was French,

and if I could just grab a little signature just from you.

Is this the peasant show

you shouldn't have announced at the launch?

I'm not signing off on that. You did not have board approval.

OK, how do I say this?

With such respect, you have no idea about theatre.

Why don't you try and sell me this play, in one sentence?

OK, it's an 18th century French masterpiece

where I'm buried up to my neck in sand for four hours on stage,

delivering a single monologue,

only to be interrupted twice by the ghost of my dead child.

Is that it? Yeah.

Ahh. EHH! Not approved.

What did I say? Monologue, for a start.

When in real life do people talk uninterrupted for hours on end?

Happens to me a bit.

I think we're done for now, Marguerite.

OK. You know what? I see what's going on here. Yeah.

You haven't loved in many years.

If only you could touch that sorrow,

you know, and then, BANG, life will come in.

Is there a version of the play where they bury you in sand

to just above the mouth?

'Cause I would sign off on that.

Why are there always egg people walking around here?

Morning, Simone!

Simone?

Ryan, did you get the email I sent you

about the Pulse 54 program?

That Scott guy? You're so obsessed. I'm not obsessed with him.

Don't say that. That's silly. You are.

You know, he's, like, a cult leader, basically.

He's not a cult leader, he's a gymfluencer.

And I've signed you up for the 6am Saturday program.

6am?! No. That's it. I'm coming down there for a big row.

Ryan, I'm at work. Ryan. (PHONE BEEPS)

Oh, don't come down here.

Oh, it doesn't matter. He'll never find the place.

Yeah, you need a fish extract. Mmm.

Well, I just use the Nivea from the IGA.

It's quite scaly, isn't it? Is it? What do you mean?

It explains the dandruff as well.

No, I don't... I don't think that's dandruff.

I think that's dust. That's skin-coloured dust.

What? I just finished this.

But if it doesn't work, I just keep making them till we get it right.

What's your artistic rationale with this wig?

The peasant's hair becomes a symbol of the freedom.

I fucking love that. Me too. (CHUCKLES)

Morning!

Hi. Good morning.

Everyone's here. We can kick it off.

Fantastic! Good morning, everybody. What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I always start the meetings, so thanks.

Julia's first on the agenda. What agenda?

We have an agenda now.

All items emailed to Christian by 9am.

Systems and processes, people.

You can take a seat, Marguerite.

Alright, well, I'll be straight with everyone.

This organisation is not financially viable.

Oh, so not going to acknowledge country or anything?

No, please.

It's time for a major strategic review.

Does anyone know the most expensive part of any corporation?

Anyone?

Who cares? I got this.

Uh, the internet. (WHISPERS) I don't think so.

It's the staff. The staff. That means you.

So I need to determine job scope

and look for opportunities for cuts.

That's why Christian will assist me

in conducting performance reviews with each of you, starting today.

Uh, but we're not performers.

I would never dream of going on stage.

Yeah, how is the performance staged?

That's a really interesting question.

What? No.

What scene will I do? It's not a literal performance.

Am I out the front on the stage? Is there a text?

Is it a one woman show? It's not a literal performance.

It's a review of your performance at work.

Oh. OK?

I've actually been trying to implement HR strategies for years.

Have you? Well done. I've never heard you mention it.

You know what? You should speak more from the diaphragm.

Your words seem to dissipate into the air.

People! We need to start thinking like a business.

There will be redundancies. You will not be cutting my staff.

OK? Over my dead body.

What's next on the agenda, Christian?

Uh, a bit of good news, actually.

Margie's new work, Scrambled, is upon us.

Whoo! WHOO!

Oh, is this the egg people thing? Oh, I didn't realise.

Is that a... What do you call it, a play, is it?

Devised work. I devised it from source material.

OK, previews start tonight,

and there's an exciting photo shoot beforehand.

Yes, um, Donna and I have four hours to prep half a dozen eggs.

OK, well, I guess we better make sure they're at room temperature.

The eggs. Need to be at room temperature.

OK. Performance reviews start today.

Check your diaries. Christian, when you're ready.

Yep!

"Christian, when you're ready. Christian, when you're..."

Off he goes.

It's about 20 minutes,

but to be honest with you, it is the de-egging that's the hard part.

Yeah, I can see that.

They look absolutely stunning, by the way. It's brilliant.

Alright, so, now we've got half a dozen eggs prepped,

but they have to de-egg and then re-egg for tonight.

We are gonna have to move with, like, military precision.

Yes. Oh.

Sorry. Sorry, um, Simone? Yeah?

Um, hi. Um, did you just go to the bathroom, egged up?

Yeah, so please don't do that

because, like, what happens if you slip and your egg cracks?

I don't have giant fucking chickens out the back!

OK, everyone, there's limited eggs.

We've got an egg shortage, so let's be careful and mindful.

Take a minute.

No, take a minute. Yes. Yeah.

God's sake!

Right. Let's get back to rehearsal, please.

One of you is rotten. How are we going to embody that?

Has anyone got an offer?

Margie up first? Yep.

Big kahuna. Brave.

I'm not scared of her.

Really?

Margie? Performance review.

Oh! Not here. What a surprise.

She might be in dress rehearsal.

Do you people just take meeting times as serving suggestions?

Rehearsal.

Oh, OK. That feels like a version of workplace harassment.

What? Oh, that. Yeah. I...

I didn't even... Barely even notice that any more.

You just go, "What breasts?" Do you know what I mean?

What... What big breasts? Have her take that down.

Yep. Yeah. Take it down for sure.

I feel like you're lingering, Christian.

Yeah.

Sorry, Julia, you're not...

..you're not actually gonna fire anyone, are you?

I know you would all prefer to interpretive dance

until the electricity cuts off,

but unfortunately, someone has to make the tough decisions.

OK, well, I feel like I should warn you,

these are theatre folk.

They won't go down easy, OK?

I've turned around billion dollar companies.

I think I can handle the sewing and knitting club.

OK.

I'm breaking.

And I know new life will emerge,

but oh, God!

The cracks! The cracks! The cracks!

What, am I overegging it?

Listen, what if we were to do it again,

but I said to you that you are a pathetic nothingness, OK?

And your mother, she's dead!

And there's a fox circling, circling! Uh-oh!

Circling! Yes? Let's pick it up!

Let's pick it up! Get up! What is this?

It's one of our more experimental works.

It's on in the small space. 80 seats.

Sorry, there's two theatres?

Oh, no, one theatre, two spaces. I am breaking!

Yes! What else?

Margie! Margie! New life will emerge!

What?! You have your performance review.

Oh!

We are working here! Debateable.

Oh, no. I've lost it. OK. Take five, everyone.

Should we go in your office? Oh, no, no.

Let's review my performance.

Alright, shall we?

Yeah. I'll get my own chair. Oh, there we go.

Did you go to uni for this? Of course I did.

I went to the School of Life.

And VCA for three years.

Are you set? (WHISPERS) Ready.

Margie! Mm.

How do you think your role

helps the company strategically meet KPIs?

My role? Yes.

What is my role? That is my question.

You know, am I a mother? Am I a lover?

Am I a storyteller?

You know, first they came screaming at me about KPIs.

KPI, KPI, KPI! Key Performance Indicator!

But an indication of what?!

Love?

The suffering of my fellow workers?

Are we not more than human resources?

Oh, Margie. Oh, don't clap that.

I thought it was good.

Can you take this seriously, please?

I'm taking it very seriously.

I'm just trying to show you the kind of magic you'll get

if you sign off on my budget for Le Paysan a Moitie Enterre.

The peasant show. Yeah.

OK. Not gonna happen.

Reflecting on our mission, how do you see your role evolving

to further contribute to our collective success?

Ah, the mission. The mission.

My mission is the craft.

I'm not writing that down. The craft of acting.

I get up every day, I act. (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

This is completely pointless.

Well, thanks for coming, guys.

OK, eggs. Let's get back on your feet.

Let's go. Let's get back to the work.

OK, that's lunch.

Great! I've lost the whole morning. Yep.

Go eat and then de-egg,

and be back in time to re-egg for the photo shoot.

Thanks, guys. Sorry.

What are they even supposed to be? Spermatozoa?

No.

Well, they look very much like spermatozoa to me.

Ohh, just say "cum", Julia! Take a risk!

Does she really think people are gonna pay

to see that silly egg show?

I don't understand. People like eggs, I think.

Ry... Ryan? What are you doing here?

Um, Christian, this is my son, Ryan.

(LAUGHS) Really?

I did not see you as a mother at all.

What? In the...

Are you interested in the theatre, are you, son?

No. He has a big future in commerce, don't you?

No, I don't. That's why I'm here to talk to you, Mum.

I'm sure whatever it is can wait. I'm really busy.

No, I'm staying with you. We're chatting this out.

I will see you tonight.

Egg?

God. Mum!

I'm not leaving!

Why is there an egg?

OK. Moving on. Section two.

Just so you know, this is probably one of our busiest days of the year.

Is it? OK.

What facilitation processes do you engage in

to ensure sustainable and productive outcomes?

Now, what have you said there? What were all those words?

Um, we design, we create, we consult.

If one of our departments isn't working,

whole production can fall over.

OK, explain it to me again.

You just do wigs. Just?

Why can't you plonk one on?

Oh, I'm neck down. Sorry.

What is neck down?

I'm a perukier. That's a wig maker.

Only three of us in the entire country.

Every wig that you see here, handcrafted from human hair.

Oh, well, that's disgusting.

I wash them, I brush them, I love them, Julia.

Now they sound a bit like Guinea pigs.

OK, so I'm done here. Thank you so much.

Hey, we're just looking for efficiencies. That's...that's all.

Aren't you supposed to be on our side?

Hey, everybody, profit is not a dirty word.

But pussy is.

Sorry, sorry. Who is that?

That is something I'm dealing with right now.

Sorry. Out.

What? Come on.

OK. Um...I'm...

I'm so sorry you had to hear that, Donna.

What? Pussy? Don't say it again.

In here.

I am beyond disappointed, Ryan. It was funny.

This is a workplace. You can't speak like that.

What is going on with you today? Dad's moving to the Gold Coast.

Oh, finally, some good news.

And he's starting a multi-level superannuation fund,

and it feeds into a retirement lifestyle village.

Oh, excellent. I look forward to seeing him on A Current Affair.

Yeah, well, he's asked me to source investors, OK?

So I'm going to move up to the Gold Coast with him,

'cause this... Honestly, it's not working for me.

Ryan, I know he's your dad, but trust me, he's not a good guy.

Please don't let him Melissa Caddick you.

Stop trying to ruin my life, OK? I'll leave if I want to leave.

Can we talk about this at home tonight?

OK? We'll do a big catch up on Dancing With The Stars.

I'll make your favourite nuggets.

Nugs and DWTS? Yes?

It's a good start. Yes, it is. Now go home.

Fine. OK? Nuggets later.

And don't say "pussy"! Ever!

Fine!

Hello! Hi, hi, hi, hi!

I'm Margie Argyle, the artistic director here.

I don't think we've met.

I'm just Julia's son, Ryan. Can I say something?

You have the most fascinating face. It holds a million stories.

It's wise, yet it hides pain. Really?

Yes. Thank you.

My mum can't see any of that, so.

Have you ever acted before? Me? No.

You have! I haven't! I've not.

Why don't you come with me into the rehearsal space?

I wanna have a bit of a chat. OK.

Yep, come on. Are you sure? Yeah.

I want to talk to you about the craft.

What's the craft?

(VOCALISES) Uh, what are we doing?

(VOCALISES)

Huh! Huh! That's good!

Yah! Let it out!

I think it's obvious. Jacob has to go.

Look what I found here - crazywigs.com,

Fantasy Wigs Online, The Reject Shop.

These are all cheap wig places.

And then we replace Jacob with AI or, I don't know, a 3D printer.

Save the place 65k.

I have to strongly advise you don't do this.

No?

Gently advise?

I am so sorry I'm running behind, Dominique,

but we've got this new CEO.

She's really throwing her weight around.

The nerves. It never gets better. Oh, Dominique. It's OK.

We breathe through it. We take our time.

It's amazing. And you are going to be amazing.

Jacob, could we have a word outside, please?

Uh, no, because I've now got one hour

to fit three eggs or there will be no photo shoot.

Really would be better if we could step outside.

You can just tell me here, Julia.

OK. We'll do it here.

Jacob, unfortunately, due to a series of strategic realignments,

your position no longer exists at this company.

Sorry, what?

Full details of your redundancy are in this information pack.

Don't give it to me. Give it to Jacob.

Sorry.

Effective immediately.

Ah! That's it! Argh!

Whatever you're feeling, just let it out.

Cold mother! Empty mother!

Who are you?! Ryan!

But who are you, really?

You know, what makes you scream at night and laugh until you cry?

I don't know.

Ah! OK.

You need to work out who you are.

Find your voice. Margie!

Yeah? Julia's fired Jacob.

What? Come on!

Leave the building, Jacob. Margie!

There's plenty of other jobs in the arts.

I can help you with a resume. What are you doing?!

He's not going anywhere! Hey! Hey!

Hey, enough with the drama. Save it for the stage.

How dare you come in here and fire my staff!

You don't feel partly responsible? I've seen your work credit card.

Alright. If he goes, we all go. I'm calling a snap strike.

Thank you so much. That's OK!

I'm coming too. And me!

Well, good, at least now we'll have internet.

And me. RYAN: And me.

Why the hell are you still here? You don't even work here.

You can't strike if you don't work.

And what about you, egg?

I just booked a trip to Bali. Sorry.

Great. Thank you, egg. Appreciate it.

Guys, we've got a photo shoot in one hour.

Can we all just... Scab!

Let's not say that. ALL: Scab!

No. Scab!

No. Scab! Scab!

What a shock - people in the arts trying to avoid work.

Oh, OK, Julia. If this is all so easy, why don't you do it?

No. I think we'll be fine.

God, suck your face in. Make your head small.

It's the wrong size! It's not my egg!

Alright, let's try this one.

No! Oh, Jesus Christ!

That's two you've Humpty Dumptied!

That's the last of the back-up eggs.

Let's not break any more eggs, people.

I spilled soy on my suit!

Oh, what, were you bathing in it?

New policy. No more canapes.

The media are gonna be here soon.

OK, everybody listen up. Just...own eggs.

You gotta put your own eggs on. Doing our own eggs now, guys.

We're not trained. No, we're not doing that.

Where's Dominique?

I don't know. Which one's Dominique?

Has anyone seen Dominique? That one?

OK, just take an egg... Dominique?

..put it on your head.

Uh-uh. Nup. I'm joining the strike.

Shut up, you scab. You're not joining the strike.

Put an egg on! It's easy!

Ugh, I remember when Papa took me to Paris.

Oh, have I told you this one? Probably.

But we'd love to hear it. Mmm.

Le Paysan a Moitie Enterre had just gone on tour,

and the French were saying it was better than the original.

Papa said to me,

"You will play this one day, and you will play it better than me."

Yeah.

Dominique. I want to speak to Margie!

You're the star. We're here to support you.

We're here to help you. Anything we can do.

Christian. What the frick?

I was demonstrating how easy it was to get on.

Now it's stuck. It's suctioned on.

I can't get it off without cracking.

How do we...? It's the last of the good eggs!

OK, OK, OK. I'm just gonna grab underneath.

OK. Pull!

Don't take my face with it! Don't crack it!

Ahh!

It's really sweaty in there. Who's in there?

Dominique. Stage fright. Doesn't want to do the show.

Won't do the photo shoot, either.

Oh, thank God.

I'm starting to feel a bit better.

You listen to me, egg.

You are contracted to take the stage at 7pm.

If you fail to do so, I can and will sue you for damages.

Get it?

She's not... She's not going to... There's no... No-one's suing.

Why would you do that? That's not helpful.

I want to speak to Margie! OK, you go get Margie from the pub.

I'll deal with Dominique.

I'm not leaving the building like this.

I'll deal with that. You get Margie.

I can't deal with that. You're right. I'll get Margie.

Dominique!

Carmel. Shit. Shit. Julia?

Wonderful work on the floor today.

Yeah, it felt so natural. Mum never let me...

Oh my God.

Hello.

Oh, is this some sort of sick joke?

Have you come here to rub egg on our faces?

According to the Industrial Relations Act,

this strike is illegal.

And Dominique has locked himself in a cupboard and refuses to come out.

Sounds like it's a little disaster over there

and you need me to come back.

Not really. Oh! OK, then.

So, Ryan, where did you, like, go to school?

Fine! Ooh.

Yes, we need your help, please, Margie.

Mm-hm. I'll come back if you reinstate Jacob.

Fabulous.

You look excellent, darling. Go, go, go!

You're ready. Go, go, go!

You look fabulous. You're done, Denise.

Just get it off. Ahh! Not like that!

You can't pull it! My face is stuck in it.

I'm gonna have to vass you up. What?

I'm gonna vass you up.

Dominique, it's Margie. Come on.

Yeah. Come on. Come on out.

You're gonna be magnificent. You're magnificent already.

It's giving, it's giving.

But you'll step out there and you'll drop in

and you'll say, "I am the egg!"

"Here I am!" One, two, three!

Ahh!

You're a tour de force. You'll be magnificent.

It's all in you already. Thank you, Donna.

You're a valuable team member.

That's the gift you give to the audience.

You share yourself with them, and they feel less alone.

You always say the right thing.

Get yourself out there. Go on!

That's how it's done.

Over here. Over here. OK. We are looking really good.

But can we bring it closer together, please?

Yes. Powerful. That is looking good. Hold that.

Yes. There he is. Thank you. Simone, are you with us?

Are you with us at all? Wake up. Wake up. Closer together.

Like, presumably we all came from the same carton, right?

So we love each other. That's raw egg intensity!

Yes! There's the shot. Just...jump in there.

I've got a dinner to go to.

Oh, always here for the most important moments, Carmel.

OK, a quick photo with Carmel, everyone.

Important photo with Carmel. Great. Good use of time.

Oh, Jules.

It's been a tough day for you, hasn't it?

There was a bit of cross purposing,

but I think I turned it around.

I just feel like this creative stuff, it's not for you.

Why don't you just sign off on my budget

and then you can just drift away?

Unfortunately for both of us,

I'm here till we're back in the black.

OK? OK.

Oh. Fun day.

Julia. Oh, Carmel.

Is it the wet look? Uh, just something I'm trying.

Yes. We gonna do the photo?

Great caption for that would be

"industry heavyweight encourages more women in the arts".

What the hell is your son doing here?

Uh, just dropping off my keys and some dry shampoo.

For the...

I hope you've changed all the passwords.

I don't want him hanging around here.

Oh, he won't be here ever.

Don't you worry, Carmel. Everything is under control.

So, what's your favourite citrus? I'm just gonna get you a water.

Come on, come on. Come with me.

Just be strong about it.

You know yourself better than anyone.

Better than you. You only just met him this morning.

Come on, Ryan, I need you to drive me home.

Let's go. No, Mum.

I've got something to tell you.

Has your dad's foot turned up on a beach south of Sydney?

No, Mum, I'm not going to the Gold Coast with Dad.

Oh, that's great news!

We can get back on track. Maybe you could do an MBA.

I'm not going to the Gold Coast because...

..I'm a gay man and an actor.

Sorry, what? It's about time you knew who I am.

Yeah, I know you're gay. Who cares? But an actor?

Oh, Ryan, I think I'm gonna be sick.

I've seen something profoundly beautiful in Ryan.

Yeah, Margie said I'm like a big Greek guy.

No, I said you're like a gift from the Greek gods.

Like, yeah, that.

And not only that, she's cast me in her French play about a peasant.

Mmm, it's just a small role,

but he has the quality I'm looking for, the tragic son.

No, this isn't happening.

Unless the play doesn't happen for some silly reason, like budgets.

No.

No, Mum, that wouldn't happen, would it?

No, 'cause then you'd have to go to the Gold Coast with your dad.

He sounds awful, doesn't he?

Mmm. Oh! Sticky.

Oh, dear.

Come on in, everyone.

Leave your old selves at the door and embrace your inner clown.

I've actually found my 40s to be my most sexually active.

Marcel! Margie!

Mum reckons she's getting a big star.

It's Caitlen Allard. What?!

Can you believe that? Caitlen is her sister.

You know, I could have sold out to Hollywood.

I've gotta get rid of Julia.

Aw, chookas to you! Oh, enough chookas!

So, here's the pitch.

Chevy's Chickens sponsors the Argyle Theatre.

I'm Julia McNamara.

How much does that cost? I'm a corporate robot.

Is that my suit?

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation