Original subtitles

From the start, I made it clear

what mattered most to me was getting a quick sale.

La-la-la-la-la!

It's too early, too early for my boys!

You don't think he's certifiable, do you?

I will create an unforgettable viewing day.

Anything over 1.3, you give me 20%.

I wouldn't want to live here.

Waaargh! Phil, no! Waargh!

Where's Phil?

Have I the right to hold you?

You know I've always told you

I've loved you from the very start

Come right back

I just can't bear it

I've got some love and I long to share it

Come right back Right back where you belong

Oh, yeah, you belong.

So, he's sold, has he? Nope.

Well, why are you taking the sign down?

It's on the NWTT list. The what?

NWTT - Not Worth The Trouble.

He's a...

..bit of a nutter, apparently. A nutter?

No, no, not at all. No, no, no, no.

Quite the contrary. Yeah? Mmm. Oh, well.

We never get the whole story.

I'm sure he's a lovely man. Ha-ha!

I wouldn't go that far!

I wonder where he is.

I put a lot of hard work into that fiasco!

He's not been himself since it happened.

He's probably too ashamed to show his face.

Sandra, he loves that house!

It's where he's lived for most of his life.

With Celia? Yes, with Celia.

He's sensitive.

It's easy to overlook that.

He's so big.

People... Well, some people think because he's large,

he lacks feelings.

Oh, come on! Let's go round there, see what's going on. Yes.

How are you feeling now?

Would you pack it in?!

A wee bit of that thing goes a long way. I'm not a thing.

I want to get out of here now.

Yeah, me too. I've got to get organised.

He's got guests coming. Guests?

Mmm, yeah. Two, Americans, for three nights. B&B.

What, you signed up online? That was my idea.

No, it wasn't. Yes, it was.

How much are you charging? 60 quid a night.

Each? No, no, for a double. And breakfast.

Well, that's horribly cheap. And it was my idea to tell you

to make the best of that spare room. Did you tell your mum?

No! Good man, well done.

I'm just going to tell her that they're friends.

10% will do, eh? No way, I've got alimony to pay!

Oh, aye. Wendy.

Nippy sweetie, eh?

You have to say, he had it coming.

Oh, do shut up! Aye, shut up!

The pair of you!

I'm warning you!

I know you think I'm being silly, and I probably am, but...

Oh! Oh, thank God!

Oh!

Joan?

Oh, dear, that does sound bad.

Joan, stop it! You...

You're welcome.

It's fine, the spare room's all yours.

Yes, OK. See you later, then.

That is all you need! Just for a few days.

What, like last time? The builders are getting her down.

Didn't she have the builders last year?

Well, it's next door's builders.

She thinks the neighbours are trying to drive her out.

I'm with them!

He can't hear the bell because of the music!

Now I am going to kill him!

Join the queue!

Phil?

Phil?

Queenie? Oh, Edith!

Gave me a fright!

What are you doing here?

Phil asked me to come round, tidy the kitchen. When?

When did he say that? Yesterday.

After the estate agent left.

I thought it was the least I could do. Where is he?

Well, isn't he with you? Well, no, he hasn't turned up.

Oh. Well, you know how he is.

He always comes round at 11, and if he can't, he lets me know.

I mean, it's not like him to just... Disappear, no, it's not.

He's not the disappearing type. Have you...

been upstairs?

I had a life-changing dream last night.

They don't keep you in long these days, do they?

It's a dream that explains everything.

Don't know why I'm still here.

Bob, this is important!

Hey, I'm the patient in this scenario.

You're just the visitor. You wouldn't even be here

if it wasn't for me.

I dreamt...

that I was supposed to have a twin brother...

Eh?! ..but he died at birth. And I woke up knowing, for certain,

that that was true. And that's why I've always felt

there was something missing, because there IS something missing.

My twin brother.

And your mum never said anything? No.

You never asked? Well, why would I ask? I didn't know till now!

That's why you've substituted that thing!

What?

Methuselah!

It's a substitute for your missing twin.

Georgie! Hello, Da.

I'm the daughter, Georgie.

Yeah, I'm the son, Roger.

Oh, Jesus!

No, sorry. No, I mean, I'm his friend, Roger.

Shame, I've always wanted a brother. Oh, dear God!

I didn't know you had a daughter.

I don't!

She disowned me. Rubbish! He's ashamed of me.

I'm not!

I see you're still going for the day-release-from-the-asylum look!

There you go. When it comes right down to it,

my walk-on-the-wild-side Pa

is about as unconventional as a black pudding!

How did you know I was here?

Nobody has secrets any more, Dad, not even you.

Are you OK? Aye, I'm fine!

They just put in this wee stent thing. Nothing to fuss about.

Who's fussing?

Are you going to stay a wee while?

For a bit, Dad, but... Oof.

..I've not found anywhere to stay yet.

Well, stay with him! He's got a B&B!

?60 a night.

I'm a bit full.

You can sleep in his room.

No, thanks. I'll move out, it'll be fine.

Erm, you won't have to pay anything. What about your...friend?

Oh, where he goes, I go.

Georgie loves animals.

Not too keen on reptiles, though. I'm not a real crocodile!

You'd make a nice handbag.

Raargh!

He was there last night, but he hasn't taken

his car or his mobile, that's it? Yeah, that's it.

Well, it's not midday yet. You're not listening properly!

They set Big Ben by this man, he's like one of them robots!

Has there been a very stressful event recently

that might have upset him? Er, yes.

He's, um, had trouble selling his house.

All right, well,

maybe you could drop by the station with a recent photo,

if it turns out that Mr Parton is still late for his lunch.

Hi, yeah!

Hi, hi! Ha-ha!

Eric and Sue? Yes. Yeah.

I'm Roger. Sorry, have you been waiting ages? Er, no, just got here.

Ahem... Did you ring the bell? A few times. Great.

That means that Mummy's not in, which is incredibly lucky!

Ahem...

Erm... Oh, er, this is Methuselah.

Hello. Hello. Huh, cute.

You're too kind!

Er, tea, coffee? Ooh, cranberry juice?

Er... Hmm...

The icebox, maybe? Ahem...

Er, water would be great! Yes.

Water...! Raargh!

Ahem... Now, my mother. Yes, er, my mother,

who might be here any minute. Now, the thing is...

Well, she's in denial. Thanks.

- Denial? - Denial...

Yes. Now, so, we have to pretend - just for Mum's sake -

that you're not here for, er... Ha!

..online B&B.

- We do? - Yeah.

Mmm, mmm. She's very proud.

OK. See, last year, Uncle, erm...

- Olaf... - Huh?

..he went bankrupt overnight. Lost everything, the lot,

and Mum had to bail him out. Oh, God, that's terrible!

Yeah, it was a real surprise, you know? What was his business?

Oh...

Apres-ski, er, sweaters.

Hmm. Oh. Yeah, very good sweaters.

Yeah, very warm. Like, too warm! And, what, with a warmer climate

and, er, no snow, nobody bought them.

Oh... What a shame!

Yeah, yeah. So, er, now, Mum is broke too and she can't face it.

So, if you don't mind,

could you pretend to be old friends of mine who've come to stay?

That's fine by us.

- Isn't it, Rick? Sure. - Ooh!

Er, where did we meet? What?

Erm, when and where did we become friends?

Urgh... I mean,

if your mom asks any questions, we need a backstory,

er, to make it more convincing. We don't want to say

the wrong thing. No, listen, look,

she isn't going to ask too many probing questions.

Just stay away from the subject of online B&B. OK, got it!

Er...

We're kind of jet-lagged,

so we thought we might just lay down for a couple of hours before...

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, I'll show you to your room, yeah.

Er, don't forget to give them their key

and tell them about breakfast!

So cute! Yeah, not always.

Roger's a moron!

Yes! See what I mean?

Oh, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no...

Auntie Joan!

Oh, hello, Roger. You look like you've come to stay!

Be a good lad, help me get this stuff in, will you?

No, no, wait, don't send him away! What?! Er, you can't stay.

Erm, there's no room. Oh, what are you talking about?!

Well, we're full. Erm, I've got friends staying. Don't be silly!

I didn't know you were coming!

I spoke to your mother this morning. She's expecting me. Oh, well,

she's not here, she's out.

That doesn't stop her expecting me, does it?!

Stupid boy!

Er, you'll have to sleep in here. Here?

On the sofa?

Well, I'm not doing that. Well, why not?!

Because I've got a bad back.

And anyway, I'm just not. Well, it's very comfortable.

Um, I was going to sleep here, but since I'm a gentleman,

I'm prepared to let you have it

while I sleep in the very uncomfortable shed.

What's wrong with your room?

Well... Someone else is sleeping there. Who?

Another friend. Who are all these friends?

Well, it doesn't matter, anyway,

because I will be sleeping where I always sleep -

in the spare room. Now, perhaps you'd like to take

my bags up, Roger? I've told you...

Someone else is in there.

Now, this very minute? Yeah, they're sleeping off the jet lag.

Roger...

I have worked in a psychiatric hospital for 25 years.

I have seen all sorts.

Things that you would never believe.

But I have never come across anyone as strange,

or as unaccountable as you.

Now, where is your mother? I don't know.

Gallivanting, as usual, I suppose.

She knew I was coming!

A cup of tea wouldn't go amiss.

What? What is it?

Excuse me.

Is Roger charging you for the use of this room?

No, absolutely not.

We're friends.

He wouldn't charge us.

We offered to pay but, Rog, he refused to take it.

That's right.

Sorry to disturb you. No problem.

This is all getting a little bit too weird for me.

Hey, this is England!

Ew!

June! What are you doing?!

I thought it smelt a bit manky. Manky?!

Queenie cleans it regularly. And thoroughly.

Well, I'm on antibiotics, so it makes me hypersensitive to smells.

Oh!

Oh, Edith!

It'll be all right.

Oh, for goodness' sake, I'm only wiping down the cooker!

There's no need to get so worked up!

It's Phil. He's disappeared.

Disappeared?

Since when? Last night.

Well, he's probably just sleeping it off somewhere.

Edith, why didn't you tell me there was no room?

I packed, brought my bags and everything,

and I'm not going back now. What are you talking about, no room?!

The place is full of Roger's friends.

Of course it isn't! What friends?

There's two of them in the spare room, as I speak,

in my bed, at this time of day!

Joan... Ask Roger. He's in the shed, right now,

getting it ready for another charabanc-load of chums

to come rolling up any minute, I expect!

You're being ridiculous.

Oh, hello, Mum. You're looking glum.

What's up? It's Phil.

He's disappeared. Vanished, without a trace!

The police are on the job.

What, trawling the river? Roger!

Did he leave a note? No, he didn't leave a note!

And Joan tells me you've put someone in the spare room.

Well, it's only for three nights. What, without telling me?!

Well, they're friends of mine. Americans. Yeah, from America.

What friends from America? Well, I met them when I was on my gap year,

er, in Patagonia.

Patagonia? Patagonia? Yeah, near Patagonia...

Near Patagonia! Roger, you never had a gap year.

You went straight into the bank.

And I'm the one making things up?!

Well, wherever you met them, they'll have to go.

I've promised the room to Auntie Joan.

Well, I can't just throw them out! Roger!

This is my home!

You can't just invite people to stay

without talking to me first! What were you thinking?!

Well, I'm sorry, Mum, you know, it was just

a bit of a surprise. I wasn't really expecting them so soon.

And with Wendy's alimony and everything else...

They're paying guests!

Only expenses! I knew it. I knew it!

The photo! I'll get it.

Is this Roger's house?

Roger's B&B? That's it. Matter of debate right now,

but come in, anyway!

Anybody else?

Hey, Roger. Hi.

Good Lord!

Hi, everybody, I'm Georgie. Georgie is Bob the Burglar's daughter.

Bob the Burglar?! Yeah, she's come all the way from Glasgow

just to see her dad in hospital, and now she's homeless.

I wouldn't say homeless. Hello, Georgie. I'm Edith.

My sister, Joan. My son, Roger,

who seems to be under the impression that this is his house.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, and you're welcome to stay,

but I've no idea where,

since even the tool shed seems to be spoken for!

Er, this is Queenie. Hang on, I'll come with you.

Er, no, I'd rather you stayed and sorted this lot out.

Hi, er, we're heading out now, so...

I told you!

It's very good of you to put us up like this, Mrs Stevens.

Oh, no, no, this is my mum!

These are my friends, Rick and Sue. In my room, in my bed!

This is my Auntie Joan, this is my friend, Queenie.

Oh, and this is Georgie. She's from Scotland!

- Hi there. - Nice to meet you all!

But this isn't actually a bed-and-breakfast place.

Indeed, not. Er, we know that. No, we never thought it was.

We're just friends with Roger.

Mmm, they met in Patagonia. Wow! Really?

Erm...

We're not paying anything to stay here.

Oh, I am. I'm paying.

Edith...

I knew things had got bad, but I didn't realise they were THIS bad.

Oh, this is nothing compared with what usually goes on, Joan!

Nothing at all!

OK, I'm off!

See you all later...

or not!

Er, Mum, Mum...

Did I ever have a twin brother? What?!

Or sister? No!

Are you sure? Absolutely sure!

It's just that I've had this dream... Look, Roger,

I've got to get this to the police station, right now!

Don't worry about Phil! Look, he'll be OK. Oh!

And I'm so glad you've got some friends nearer your own age now.

Hmm...

It's difficult for Edith.

It must have been hard for you too, Joan?

Oh, it was, it was...

What was? Uncle Olaf?

Uncle Olaf? And the sweater business.

Tough break! We don't really talk about it.

These are beautiful. Oh.

Will you still be here when we get back? I have no idea.

I know. Hope to see you later!

Nice kids.

For Americans!

Georgie, do you want to come outside and see my shed?

Ah...

Oh.

Jack, Phil's gone missing! I know, Sandra called me.

I know everyone thinks I'm overreacting, but...

But it's not at all like him.

I think you've got every reason to be worried. Oh, Jack!

It's very strange, and completely out of character.

But I've had an idea which might help us find him.

It's a bit of a long shot, but let's give it a try.

Hop in.

There we are. Out you get. Come on, then.

Good boy! There's a good... Where's Mum?

She's looking for Phil's slippers.

Hello, Bertie!

There you are! Hello!

Bertie loves you, Sandra.

I couldn't find his slippers,

but these were in the laundry basket.

Oh, perfect!

Edith, I think it's better if

you stay with Sandra. In case you find something unpleasant?

Oh, Mum... I'm coming with you!

Well, they'll be going at quite a pace.

Sniff! What's that?

Which way?

Come on, Bertie!

Ooh... Oh... Ah...

Oh...

Ooh... Ah...

Ah... Oh...

Hey! Hello, Phil!

Duggers, what are you doing here? Do you know,

I was just about to ask you the same question. I thought

you'd sold up, moved away?

No, no, that's you, Phil. You're the one that's doing that.

Oh, Phil!

Oh, Phil, thank God! Oh, Edith!

Sandra. Hello, Phil. Hi.

Are you all right? Well, why wouldn't I be?

I mean, Surrey just lost another wicket, but...

I've been so worried.

Oh, don't, don't. We've only got another...57 to make. Oh!

I'm so happy to see you! Well, I'm pleased to see you too.

Only thing is...

..can't seem to remember why I came here.

Phil, why don't we go home? OK!

Um, I think a quick check-up first

might be in order. OK!

Here we are.

Oh...

This way, Phil.

Oh... There you are.

He's getting some rest now, with the aid of a light sedative,

so let's see how he is in the morning, eh?

Jack, I don't know how to thank you.

Oh, don't thank me, thank Bertie. Oh, my hero!

You take Edith home now, Sandra. Get a good night's sleep

and, tomorrow, you'll find he's a new man. Ooh!

Think of it, Mum! Underneath the ancient,

soup-stained dressing gown and those very strange pyjamas,

George Clooney!

No, no! No, no...

Retired! BURGLAR!

Lapsed! I've relented!

It's OK! BURGLAR! Shush!

..Philip Parton, 77, last seen in dressing gown,

leaving Parkrise Hospital at 19:00 hours today.

Parton?

That's your bloke from this morning.

What did you call those two women? Bloody hell!

Georgie, have I done enough with his hair, do you think?

Georgie, is this good enough, here?

A bit more ruffled. Yeah?

Yeah, that's good! Shh!

Relax.

Queenie says he'll not be back till tomorrow.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Look a little bit to your left...

Grr!

Grr! Grr!

Grr!

Grr... Grr...

Rargh!

Woo...

..What could be a remarkable match

and a fairy-tale victory for Surrey.

It's a beautiful afternoon here.

The bowler's coming in for, oh, a very fast bowl,

and he's dropped that right behind him...

Mr Parton... You've had quite a day! How are you doing?

Ah, there you are!

Good, well, this is my house, and it's being burgled by zombies!

Zombies? Mm-hmm.

Right. So, you'd better call for backup,

because, er, there's a whole pack of 'em in there.

Zombies, everywhere!

But...

Surrey only need two more wickets.