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Alright, we gotta go, you guys. Mike said we're dead if we are not in his office by nine.

Relax, he's not even here yet.

OK, guys, you've got one lap to get to my office. Thanks!

Hey, don't mind If I do. ...Uh, who puts tomato juice in a coffee cup?

Alright, clear way, people, clear way!

Listen up, I had a very relaxing weekend, I'd like to ease into this, OK? So, everybody, please be gentle with me.

- And here's one from Spin Doctors. - Uno, dos, tres, quatro!

SPIN CITY

03X01 DEAD DOG TALKING

We need to come up with a new spot for the mayor's re-election announcement.

- Someplace inspiring, someplace that says "America". - Mount Rushmore.

- Someplace accessible. - Mount Stacey.

Sorry, I was thinking out loud.

How about the zoo? We just dumped, like, five million dollars into refurbishing the monkey house.

Five milion dollars? Who do I have to fling my crap at to get my computer fixed?

Having said that, I like the zoo. That's good. Central Park, beautiful day, cute critters. Set that up.

Hey sir, how're you doing? You all pumped up about the re-election announcement?

- Well, actually, Mike, I've decided not to run. - Sir?

I always get you with that one, don't I?

Stacey, remember that sick day you took on Friday?

- Yeah, Mike? - My friend Sebastian saw you at a dance club Friday night.

- How do you know it was me? - You had your tongue in his mouth.

Wanna change that to a vacation day?

You are so bush-league.

Ple-ease, like you can do better.

- Don't even talk to me! - That's two extra days on my honeymoon, blondie. All on Uncle Sam's dollar.

- What the hell is that? - That's my family dog, Rags.

Oh, he's so cu-ute...

- How old is that thing? - He's only 19.

- My parents were thinking of putting him to sleep, and he's not ready for that. - Not ready?

When you said "put him to sleep", his eyes lit up like he heard a can opener.

Come on, Stuart, you take this little guy out for a walk, and the women are gonna go crazy.

Oh, yeah. "Hey, look at that guy, dragging partly shaved sheep fetus."

"Someone help me get my panties off."

Stuart, come on, have you seen a face this beautiful before, hmm?

Hey, Carter. Nice bat!

Now, regarding our plan to announce the mayor's bid for re-election...

- Mike, I really have stuff to... - I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Does this topic bore you?

Let me paint a picture of what your futures hold, if the mayor does not get re-elected.

James, you'll be writing gags for Charlie Cheddar,

the talking cheese block at the Wisconsin State Fair.

Mike, he writes his own material.

Stacey, back in Brooklyn, living with your parents, married, three kids.

- Nikki, back in Westchester, also three kids. - Married?

Paul.

- Two words. - Press secretary? - Freak show...

- shoving pool balls in your mouth. - Oh Mike...

- I can't fit a pool ball in my mouth. - Paulie.

Well. It's really not that weird.

- Stuart, I see you in a strip club. - Keep talking.

- You're completely naked. - I'm loving this.

You're dancing in front of a roomful of sailors at It's Don't Ask, Don't Tell Week.

Now, we're gonna plan to announce our bid for re-election!

You know, Paul, I am no snitch but when Mike gets back,I'm telling.

Yeah, well, you sing all you want, sweetcakes.

'Cause I got doctor's notes, I got X-rays, I got sworn affidavits.

- I'm like Elliot Ness. I'm unreachable. - It's "untouchable".

Yeah, whatever.

- Hey, Paul. - Yeah, what is is? What d'you want?

- Relax, Paul. I was just wondering how you hurt your ankle. - Yeah, I did it cliffdiving.

Cliffdiving? Why, did someone drop a quarter on the oceanfloor?

Well, they got me set up over here by the sealions. I myself was leaning more toward the penguins.

I thought it, uh, added an air of formality to the event. But I was overruled.

- Well, sir, are you ready to stake your claim on the next four years? - All ready.

- Oh, you'll be happy to know I set up a celebrity photo-op for you later this afternoon. - Ooh, you know who it should be...

Sir, we've had the Ann Margaret discussion many times.

- If it's not Ann Margaret, I'm not doing it. - It's Heidi Klum.

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition covergirl.

Ann Margaret is a dinosaur.

Well, sir, this is it. Go get 'em!

You know, I shouldn't have worn this wool suit. It feels like burlap against the old twig and berries.

You first lunch in your new home. Home filled with love.

That geriatric dog of yours left "a gift" in my room.

- Oh, did Rags have an accident? Did you? - Yeah.

He accidentally dropped a couple of teeth on my bedspread.

- Why do you insist on keeping this poor creature alive? - Stuart! Rags is perfectly happy.

Oh yeah? Then why is he tryin' to stick his tongue in that outlet?

Rags!

So, when's he going back to your parents' house?

He isn't. This is his home now.

You can't just bring home an ugly old dog without checking with your roommate first!

Did I not call you last Saturday night when I met Tina at the buffet?

Stuart, Rags may be a little old, but he is as young and vibrant as a puppy.

Isn't that true? Aren't you? Aren't you just filled with life and love and laughter?

(distorted) Aren't you just the sweetest thing? You are so sweet.

Who is the smoochie baby, with a big smoochie-smoochie face, the cutest smoochie face.

- Here you go, Mr. Mayor, that will get us on the front page. - Let's get out of here. My whole body is chafing.

- Vote Winston. - I'll be right with you, sir.

Hey, hey, somebody stop that!

Seals. Seals.

Actually, there are sea lions. Seals have more pronounced ear flaps.

I wish I had ear flaps.

- Hey buddy, you're a hero. Let me get some reporters over here. - No, no-no, don't do that. I'll get in trouble.

You don't work at the zoo, do ya?

- You are nuts, right? - A little.

- The guys want you to cover for me. - You sure about that?.. You sure about that?

My baby! My baby!

- Hey buddy, wait. - Give us a picture with the baby.

Thank you, thanks. I have only one thing to say: if you have not yet saved a baby, I strongly suggest you do so.

- Mike, can I get you to sign this copy of your newspaper cover? - Sure.

- Uh, for my mom. - What's her name? - James.

Hey, this is amazing. I'm on the subway, and some woman tries to steal a pair of my underwear.

- From your gym bag? - No.

That's why I wear two pairs.

Funny, I thought that was a court order.

Last night was the greatest night of my life!

I walked in that bar, I was like a magnet.

I mean, people were coming up to me, buying me drinks, shaking my hand.

- I woke up this morning, I had a hangover a sore wrist. - Hah, been there.

Okay, I gotta go do this TV show with the mayor. Reschedule my conference call with the governer for 3 o'clock.

But if the DNC can't push back to 8, make the governor at 5.

I'll stop by the DNC on my way back from coffee at the ACLU. Got it?

Yeah, whatever.

I want you to watch Paul.

First one to my desk gets a free malomar!

Thanks! Mike, I'm gonna need a couple of hours off this afternoon. Gotta get an MRI.

Don't get stuck in the tube.

Stuck in the tube! Ha! That's a good one, boss! "Un-touchable"!

- You're not getting an MRI. - Yes, I am.

MRI: Movie, a Round of golf, and, if she is in the mood, Intercourse with my wife.

- I will get you! - Yeah. And if she's not in the mood, Igloo Pop.

Concerned mayor.

Thoughtful mayor.

Itty-bitty mayor.

Alright, sir, we're going on a little earlier than we though. The Good Samaritan of the Year can't make it.

- Why not? - He's in jail.

Apparently, got all that Good Samaritan energy from his cocaine-importing business.

This city, I tell you. Somebody oughta do something.

Well, I'll see you onstage.

Mike, about this whole baby thing...

- Never got a chance to tell you how proud I am of you. - Yeah, well, you know. That's all right.

Mike,.. proud of you.

This is what I hear.

You know, it sounds silly but I, uh, grew up without an older brother, and I guess I need someone in my life to look up to...

Mike, you complete me.

James.

You had me at "proud".

I'm serious. There's a lot of fake heroes out there.

- Means a lot to me that my boss is a real one. - All right.

What are you looking at?

- Whatcha doing, Stu? - You get a dog, I get a poster.

Just pretend the girl is a guy.

And the Ferrari is... some method of gay transportation.

- Ha-ha-ha. Not in this house! - What're you doing? Come on, leave it on. I like it. - I'm taking it off.

Carter, I've had that poster since the seventh grade. What did you do?!

Did you know that between your place and my place are nine bars?

Ten, if you count the tenth.

- Mike, it's not really a good ti... - Thanks.

Carter, let me ask you a question. What is your definition of a hero?

Well, if you accept the classical Greek interpretation vis-a-vis Homer's Iliad...

Alright, Carter, you know what, I know you're smart, ok? Please don't vis-a-vis me tonight.

Sorry, Mike. What's on your mind?

Even if I was skating after the baby, but didn't catch the baby, that would still be a heroic act, right?

No, that would just be skating.

Well, I'm outta here. No tears, no drama. Let's do this with class and dignity.

- Okay. That's my suitcase. - Oh, I just knew you'd take the low road.

- Stuart, what makes someone a hero? - I'd have to go with X-ray vision.

- Okay, 0-for-2. Anybody else here? - No, just Carter.

Oh come on, Stuart.

- What's that supposed to mean? - You know, you gotta do this from his point of view.

I mean, this is obviously your apartment to begin with. You decorated the place yourself.

You have a... a dog.

He just feels like you're not treating him as an equal.

Mike, it's me, Carter, remember? I'm Mr. Equal.

Hey, you've reached Carter's place. Leave a message for Carter after the beep,

and Carter will get back to you. Carter out.

- Maybe I can still catch him. - Hey, wait, we were having a conversation here.

Kill me.

What?

Help me out here, will ya? I'll hop down off the couch, and you can push the TV over on me.

Li... Listen, uh, little talking doggie.

- I got my own problems. - You have got to come clean, Mike.

You know, you're right. You're absolutely right.

- I owe you one. - Then kill me!

So, so that's it. That's the whole story.

The only thing I left out is that sea lions eat herring all day, and yet their breath is minty fresh.

Makes you wonder.

Now, before you just all over me, I would just like to duly note that I did try to save the baby.

And I only took credit as a favor to the other guy.

When you look at it that way, I don't even know what I'm apologizing for.

Mike, you spent the last two days milking this thing for all that it's worth.

Let's not nitpick.

The bottom line is, if you're looking for a hero to write about, the guy on the right puts his butt on the line for this city every day.

Of course, I mean my right, your left.

So, now there's nothing left to do but introduce the present and future mayor of New York City, Randall Winston.

Well I think the important thing here is not who did the saving, but that a little life was saved.

The life of a little baby...

...Baby.

Now, any questions about my re-election?

Where're my crutches?

Looking for these?..

- Give me the crutches, you witch. - No, go away. - Give them to me!

Mike, come here for a second, see what Paul's really made out of. You're dead!

Geez, Paul, that ankle isn't looking any better. Why don't you take the rest of the day off?

Ha! I win again.

That's right, Paul. You're a bi-i-ig winner, you freak.

- You okay, Michael? - Oh year, sure. Why wouldn't I be?

Well, because that reporter did refer to you as "the Milli Vanilli of modern politics".

Actually, sir, I had already left, so... I hadn't heard that...

...until now.

I would imagine it's hard being behind the scenes, while I'm upfront getting all the attention.

Well, you know what, sir?

I like this chair.

I'm comfortable in it.

But, you know, you sit in one chair long enough, you do start to wonder what other chairs feel like.

Even though, you know, your chair is the right chair for you.

Are you trying to tell me to get back with my ex-wife? 'Cause I'm not gonna do it.

Anyway, sir, what I'm saying...

...is even though I love my job,

sometimes I, I, I do wonder, you know, if I'm missing anything.

Mike, look out that window. We preside over the greatest city in the world.

Sir, that's New Jersey.

Mr. Mayor, Heidi Klum is here to see you.

- Mr. Mayor, it is an honor. - Well, the pleasure is all mine.

You're even lovelier in person than...

I've never seen you before.

Let's get this photo.

Okay, just smile and say... "Geez"...

- Mike, why don't you get in this picure? - No, you go ahead. - No, no, I insist.

- For better composition. How're we doin', are we comfy? - Sure. Any who are you again?

Oh, I'm just a guy behind the guy. See you soon when my 15 minutes are up.

.

.

- Is is straight? - I'd say it's so straight, it's probably overcompensating for something.

- Hey, where's our little fleabag? - Mom, I'm coming home. - Rags!

Rags.

You could've killed yourself.

I'm gonna take an enormous dump on your shirt.

♪♪♪ Based on Croatian subtitles ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ Synced by Jim_diGriz ♪♪♪

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