Original subtitles

Good morning.

Henry rejected you.

Eliza, it's Eliza. Henry rejected you.

Reminder Henry rejected you.

Henry had rejected me.

It was true.

And the worst part was,

I still had to see him every day.

So, I decided to employ the techniques of Corynn McWatters,

ambassador of bitchface.

As the most popular girl in 7th grade,

Corynn handled anyone who threatened her status.

So, instead of crying in the bathroom,

I asked myself, "what would Corynn do?"

Step one, pretend not to see the individual in question.

Step two, pretend not to hear the individual in question.

Ooh.

Pardon me.

What was that, Charlie?

That was Henry who...

Come again, Charlie?

Um, I didn't... I didn't say anything.

Oh, well. I must be hearing things, Charlie.

I think she's mad.

You think?!

And if steps one and two don't work,

screw the junior-high-school tactics

and "Gone Girl" his ass.

Oh, he stabbed me! He stabbed me!

Are you out of your mind?

That's what he wants you to think.

Joan, check my diary!

Okay, how long do you two fools

plan on keeping this up?

In the words of the prepubescent new edition,

cool it now, please!

No matter what went down,

I know the two of you still care about each other.

After you, Eliza.

No, thanks! I'll walk!

Oh, my God.

She snubbed me!

Did you see that?

She totally snubbed me, did she not?!

It was a snub

because according to Corynn McWatters,

whoever caves first gets cankles,

and I am not getting cankles because of Henry.

I'm trying to be mature about this, you know?

I'm trying to foster communication.

I'm trying to make the best

of an admittedly awkward situation.

Well, from now on, Eliza Dooley can clean up her own messes.

Are you aware that the building manager

was banging on your door for 45 minutes this morning?

He finally gave up and started knocking on Bryn's door.

It pretty much ruined

her "Breakfast at Tiffany's" themed breakfast.

That she has been planning for nine years.

- Nine. - I did not chignon my hair for this.

You guys, this is not fair.

Mr. Old Man is always picking on me.

Maybe it's because you call him Mr. Old Man.

When it's Mr. Oldman.

Or maybe it's because you're personally responsible

for all of the building's plumbing issues.

It wasn't untrue.

When I go out drinking,

I don't just flush money down the toilet.

These are garbage!

I also flush hosiery.

And cheeseburgers.

Oldman wants an increase on your security deposit.

- Wha...? - Not just for the ongoing plumbing issues,

but also for what you did to your walls.

Uh, is that us?!

That was there when I moved in.

He wants to be reimbursed for the damages.

And your rent is due.

And that drawing of my bangs is hurtful.

Whoa!

Whoa, that is a lot to take in all at once.

Maybe it wouldn't be all at once if you handled your bidness.

Um...

I handle my bidness.

It's just that Mr. Old Man is super uptight.

And the electric company is super uptight, too.

Sync and corrections by: kDragon www.Addic7ed.com

Selfie S01E11

Baby... baby headaches, be gone.

Baby headaches, leave.

- Baby headaches, be... Bes... Befell... - Sir?

Charlie, knock, please.

Were you raised in a barn?

Yes.

- What? - Yes, I was.

Well, not in a barn, but near a barn.

On a farm.

We grew wheat and also... hops.

Just knock. What do you want?

Uh, saperstein's ready for your annual performance review.

Yes!

Whoo! Let's do this.

Good luck, sir.

No luck involved, Chuck.

I've received the highest review score five years running,

never less than a 98%.

Just call me "Henry Potter. "

Why?

Because I make magic like a workplace wizard.

Actually, don't call me "Henry Potter. "

Hindsight, I really feel like I would very much dislike it

if people actually started calling me that.

89%?

That can't be right. That's a "B".

That's a... that's a "B".

What am I, hufflepuff?

Don't get hysterical. It's a high "B".

In some state schools,

that might even be considered a B-Plus.

I've never gotten less than an "A" in my entire life.

Yeah. Yeah.

"A", "B",

"C", "W"...

- "X". - Sir?

They're just letters, Henry.

And if I were you,

I'd be more concerned about the negative peer evaluations

that dragged down your score in the first place.

Negative peer evaluati...

Uh, sir, would you mind if I took this file home

to review the comments?

I'm sure I can learn a lot from my... peers.

Charmonique.

It's me, Eliza.

I'm wearing a trucker hat.

I can see that.

Do you have a key to the executive gym?

I had to vacate my premises unexpectedly this morning.

Vacate your premises?

Mm-hmm. Listen.

My electric's off and my rent's due,

along with an unforeseen security deposit

and a "probably should have foreseen" plumbing bill.

I know you've been there, teamCharmonique.

Oh! don't drag team Charmonique into this.

Team Charmonique pays her bills on time.

Therefore, team Charmonique

does not wish to be associated with some broke-ass...

Hey, I'm not broke. I am not broke.

I just find certain things stressful,

like, bills, invoices, payments,

debits, deposits, withdraws, transfers,

checks, money orders, money market, savings,

interest, account numbers, pin numbers, and prime numbers?

Maybe? What are those, again?

Numbers greater than 1

that are divisible only by themselves and 1.

TeamCharmonique.

Those are fine, but the rest of that stuff freaks me the freak out.

You know what doesn't seem to freak you the freak out?

Spending money,

- 'cause those boots look brand-new. - Oh.

They are.

You are not wrong.

I really do like spending money,

but now my credit cards are maxed,

I've got not cash, and, plus...

I'm homeless.

Mm.

You know whose help you need?

Don't say Steve Harvey. Please, don't say Steve Harvey.

What? Girl, no!

I'm talking about your boy Henry Potter.

Are people calling him that now?

Spread like wildfire this very morning.

See?

I didn't even know that because Henry's not my boy anymore.

Things got weird between us,

and so my only recourse is to ignore him until one of us dies.

Or you could try being a grown woman.

I am a grown woman!

Then go wash your ass and talk to Henry.

HygieneFirst, TeamCharmonique.

Look at this. "A born leader. "

"The consummate professional. "

"Stone-cold stud. "

I'm guessing this one is Larry.

Where is it? Come on.

Ah! Aha!

I knew it. I knew.

It's not my peers who brought down my average.

It's my peer.

One anonymous peer,

one bitter, "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" peer

who gave me an "F" and called me a bit of a poop.

Who, I ask,

do you suppose would resort to something so infantine?

I have no idea.

Well, I do.

This stinks of Eliza.

I couldn't go to Henry,

who was convinced I tanked his peer review,

and I couldn't go home, so, that left me no other choice

than to check into a five-star hotel.

Oh. Declined. Have another?

Okay.

Why don't we try, uh, $10 on a green visa,

$15 on the blue visa, maybe 5 bucks on the mastercard.

Hold on.

Ma'am, you didn't mention

- that you're a double dollar rewards member. - I am?

You have more rewards points than anyone I've ever seen.

I do?

You could book the presidential suite with all these points.

Then I will.

Look at me, the first female president-ial suite.

Whoo! Whoo! Yeah!

Yeah! Baby! Champagne!

After hard-core stressing out over money I didn't have,

it was time to blow off some steam

using money I didn't have.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Shit.

Oh, see? Now, this is why I don't look at mail.

So much for hotel living.

Much like Lindsay Lohan

when she finally got kicked out of Ch�teau Marmont,

it was time for me to make a terrible Liz Taylor biopic

or find some other, less embarrassing way

to raise some cash for Mr. Old Man.

For just $75 cash,

this lightly used Sephora gift card can be yours.

That's a $50 gift card.

Yes, but I had to factor in labor.

It took me an hour to scrape this off my car's upholstery

thanks to the pumpkin-spice latte I spilled on the seat.

Ew! Those have been out of season for like three months.

How about any of these? DSW?

- Amazon? - Mnh-mnh.

- Chili's? AMC theaters? - Mm.

Two pinkberrys away from getting a free pinkberry...

- At Participating Stores? - No!

Look, if you're trying to get some action on these cards,

you need to offer a discount.

I'll give you 30 bucks for that $50 Chili's.

Done.

Yes!

What up, sexies?

Hi.

How would you two sexy sexies

like to buy a Talbots gift card for half its value?

I gave you that Talbots gift card

as a secret Santa gift last Christmas.

Spoiler alert. Linda?

- Mnh-mnh. No. - No?

Well, then, uh, d... does anyone want to buy

a hot... new, still-in-style trucker hat?

No? Fine.

Well, um, swing by my desk later.

I'm having a bake sale. Whoa. Bake sale.

Bake sale? Is that a euphemism?

I'm not sure.

Raj, I just need you to confirm.

It was Eliza Dooley who wrote that remark about me,

was it not?

Henry, I'm sorry. I would like to help you.

But the evaluation must remain anonymous.

Come on, Raj.

It's just you and me here. You're a smart man.

I know you'll do the right thing.

Henry, I believe you're trying to intimidate me.

I would report you to H.R.

But unfortunately, in this case, that is me.

Raj...

If it was Eliza, you just say it's Eliza.

You are very persuasive,

but I cannot break the tenets of the human-resources oath.

There's a human-resources oath?

On my honor, as a human-resources officer,

do I promise to provide an equal-opportunity workplace,

free of discrimination, harassment,

and the divulgement

of confidential personal information.

If I should breaketh such laws,

may my lips wither and turn to dust.

Well, it sounds like there's some wiggle room.

Never mind.

'Twasn't her.

What was that?

'Twas not Eliza.

Damn it.

Eliza?

Hmm? What are you doing in my office?

Are you wearing pajamas?

Are you drinking peaches?

- Are you living here now? - No!

I'm not.

These aren't pajamas. This is lounge wear.

I'm lounging...

before I head off to the lounge,

which is a new club/lounge where everyone, like...

Brings their own canned goods.

Okay, I live here now.

This bill is in collections.

Sorry.

It's for $20.

Oh!

- I have $20. I have that. - Look, Eliza,

the late fees are triple the original cost of the bill.

You sullied your credit

not because you didn't have the money...

But because I didn't open my mail.

Right.

Your grandmother wishes you a Merry Christmas,

- with $20 inside. - Hmm.

Too little, too late, grandma.

Okay.

We're gonna have to set you up with a proper budget.

Where would you say the bulk of your income goes?

Just, like...

Uh, Zappos, Amazon, Gilt...

- All right... - Net-a-Porter, StyleBop, ShopBop...

- Eliza... - Piperlime, fab. com, justfab. com...

- Good God... - Sephora, BlueFly,

as well as cupping, leeching, elbow bleaching,

and that procedure where little fish eat dead skin

from all over my body.

What am I gonna do with you?

You're not mad at me anymore.

I would say I'm... I'm, um...

- I'm disappointed. - Yes,

but in the normal way that you're always disappointed.

I can tell you're not mad at me anymore.

Oh, I know you didn't write that review,

and I'm sorry for assuming it was you because...

because we, uh...

Because I...

Apology accepted.

Right, so we will deal with

your building manager and your lack of electricity tomorrow.

- Mm-hmm. - Uh for tonight, you can stay at my place.

Your place?

I'll s... be staying at Julia's.

Of course. That's great.

I get your place all to myself.

Which means I can just walk around naked

and put my butt on every single piece of furniture you own.

J.K.

I won't put my butt on all your stuff. Don't worry.

That's very kind of you.

You're a real class act.

I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable.

I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable.

All right. Thank you very much.

Hi.

Stop snooping through my things.

Okay. Sorry.

Do you have hidden cameras in here or something?

Stop waving. There are no hidden cameras. I just know you.

Turndown service?

Uh, no, thank you.

Who was that?

That was Julia...

pretending to be a hotel maid...

Huh.

Asking if I wanted turndown service.

Um...

She's into role-playing...

kind of a super freak.

Anyhoo, time to start having sex.

Sounds good.

I'll see you at work tomorrow.

Whoo!

Huh? What? Are you doing here?

I could ask you the same thing.

I don't know why I'm surprised.

I should have known Henry would move on

to your coltish, titian-haired delights.

- What? - Here.

Please see that he gets his waterpik.

I wouldn't want Henry's gums to be any...

less tight.

Ahh. Whoa!

Ahh.

Wow! My bills are so beautiful!

It's like an office-supply store meets a magical rainbow.

Nothing magical here. It's just office supplies.

But what about this...

Sparkling bag of treasure?

These are brads.

Now, I've spoken to Mr. Old Man,

who incidentally is 43 years of age,

and he has agreed to a monthly-installment plan

that is far less than what you spend on eye-makeup remover.

Also, you spent too much on eye-makeup remover.

Thank you, Henry.

I guess you really know what a mess I am now.

Nah, you're just in your 20s.

It wasn't that long ago that I was

- subject to my own fiscal foibles. - Really?

Let's just say there's a blockbuster

in Ann Arbor, Michigan, that is still wondering

what happened to their only copy of "Scream 2."

Well, uh, thank you.

Thank you.

This means...

A lot.

You're most welcome.

Spread the word around the office, would you?

I'm not really a bit of a poop, after all.

"Bit of a poop. " That's what Charlie calls you.

He does?

Well, yeah, but not a full poop,

just, like, a bit of a poop.

That piece of shit.

Isn't it pretty?

And Mr. Middle-Aged man is on automatic debit thanks to Henry,

so I won't forget to pay and be homeless again.

Hey, homeless Eliza was hot.

Mm.

Um...

why didn't you offer to let me stay with you?

What?

When I was homeless

and staying at the presidential suite,

why didn't you offer for me to come stay with you?

You wanted to stay with me?

Well, I mean, it would have been nice

not to use up all my rewards points.

Hey, I would have been happy for you to stay with me, okay?

But I guarantee you, if I offered,

you would have just freaked out and dumped me.

Anytime I try to get serious with you,

y... you pull away from me.

I do?

Look, if it were up to me,

you'd be staying at my place every night of the week.

Like... Permanently.

Like "Boxing Helena" style?

No.

Don't want to cut off your limbs

and put you in a box under my bed.

I just want to be around you as much as possible.

Did I just scare you off?

TeamFreddy.

Good morning, Charlie.

Mini marshmallows. Your favorite, right?

Go ahead. Drink up.

Huh? Anything else you need?

Would you like a breakfast pastry?

How about a back rub?

Sir, I'm sorry about the "F".

I was having a bad day. I'm better now.

Can you stop being so nice to me?

I hate it.

Yeah, I hate it, too.

It's not right.

Clean up these filthy marshmallows, would you?

I'm not the one who spilled them.

Charlie, I entreat!

He's back.

So...

What are you and midge up to this weekend?

Midge?

Your pocket pal. Your tiny dancer.

Julia.

Oh. Um...

I don't know. We're probably just gonna play it by ear.

Why don't the two of you come over to my place?

- Oh, no, no. I think she's on call. - But we could watch a movie

like "The Break-up," or "He's... just not that into you. "

How did you find out?

I read your journal.

- What?! That's a clear violation of my personal - J. K., Henry. J.K.

Now I know you journal.

Journal's not a verb.

I don't journal. I keep a journal.

I'm sorry things didn't work out with Julia.

Thank you.

Well, I mean, it is completely understandable.

Let me guess more height jokes?

No.

No, I would never want to belittle Julia.

Because she already "be little" herself?

Would you say she has a short temper?

You are 7 years old. You do know that, don't you?

Selfie S01E11

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