All language subtitles for Married With Children - 0907 - Dial B For Virgin

And now, stay tuned for the show
too good for television.

- Wings?
- Wings!

We now return to Wings.

Our Wings marathon.

Wings.

I'd cancel my cable
if I wasn't stealing it from the D'Arcys.

Hey, Dad.

I've got a problem.
I did something really stupid.

Well, son, you didn't marry, did you?

God, no.

No, I volunteered
for this program at college.

They assign you community
service work for extra credit.

Well, I was hoping to get
Save the Brazilian Rainforest.

Why? What do you care?

I wanted to see
naked women from Rio.

Well, you can do that during
wet gaucho night at the nudie bar.

Well, the Brazilian course
got filled by the football team...

...so they assigned me to
the only charity they had left open.

Which is?

I can't even tell you.
It's too humiliating to talk about.

I'm just thankful
the word hasn't hit the streets yet.

Hey, Daddy, guess what.

Bud has been assigned
to the Virgin Hotline.

Well, we do know, however, that word
has hit the old mattress behind the Y.

Virgin Hotline?
What the hell is a Virgin Hotline?

Bud.

Well, Dad,
you probably don't know this...

...but today, there's a big movement
toward celibacy.

Know it? Hell, I started it.

No, Dad.
This is no sex before marriage.

See, the hotline was set up...

...so that when virgins felt in danger
of losing their innocence...

...they could call someone to be--

Nipped in the bud.

Or counseled, for those of us
who breathe through our noses.

Ask him what the phone number is,
Dad.

Now, now, sweetheart, the least
we can be is a little sensitive here.

What is the phone number, pumpkin?

1-800-ZIPP-UP.

Yeah, that's right, Gomer and Pyles.
Yuck it up.

Now, if I can ask a favor,
can we please keep a lid on this one?

My answering the phones
is gonna be completely anonymous...

...and I'd just as soon
no one else knew it was me.

Hey, Bud.

I heard on the radio.
You're on the Virgin Hotline.

They said Bud's name on the radio?

Well, actually, it was a jingle.

Let me see, how did it go?

If you're a virgin
With hormones surging

Keep on your undies
And call Bud Bundy's

Virgin Hotline

That's catchy.

Thank you.

And with self-esteem intact...

...I'm gonna get ready
for my orientation now.

Kelly.

Would you be kind
as to insult me up the stairs, please?

My pleasure.

Now, when people call up,
do you merely talk them out of sex...

...or do you send them
a picture of yourself...

...and scare the pants back on them?

Hey, Al, guess what.

They're having a sale
at the video store.

See? Right here.

So, what do I care?
Then go to the video store.

Well, I want you to come with me.

Oh, no.
That's why we have cable, Peg.

You can see the best
and never leave your house. Watch.

Tonight, Tom Selleck in
Mr. Baseball.

Then John Goodman is King Ralph.

But first, Wings.

I'll drive.

Hey, you guys mind if I hang out?

If I go home, Marcie will know I'm not
at my Unemployed Anonymous meeting.

- Have a good time.
- Thanks.

Welcome to The Naked
Jell-O-Wrestling Championship.

Hey, that's a--

Hi. I'm here for the Virgin Hotline.

- I'm--
- Bud Bundy. I know.

Your face has chastity
written all over it.

Really? Damn Kelly.

My name is Ms. Hardway.
I am the founder of Virgin Hotline.

Not that I haven't had opportunities.

It's just that I prefer to
save myself for marriage.

Whose?

People don't understand
virgins these days, Mr. Bundy.

They don't realize that we can have
just as much fun as they do...

...while remaining vertical,
with our toes uncurled...

...and the saliva of our passions held
firmly in our proud, unsullied mouths.

And there are so many more exciting
things to do besides having sex.

Have you ever felt the soft down
of a newborn baby duck?

Ever collect little ceramic unicorns?

Ever play Yahtzee?

No, you see, I'm not a virgin.

Oh, come now, Mr. Bundy.

Here is your Virgin Hotline
handbook.

Memorize its pithy wisdom.

"Reach out and touch yourself"?

I love the '90s.

Time to take calls. You man line one.
It's our busiest.

And remember, Mr. Bundy...

...you will be counseling these people
in their weakest moment.

You must be their shelter in a storm,
their anchor in rough seas.

Their cold shower during heavy
Jimmy Smits reruns of L.A. Law.

You, Mr. Bundy,
are their last line of defense.

Can you do it?

You know,
with a little more makeup...

...and her hair done
and some soft music...

Mr. Bundy?

Can you do it?

Well, if the room was real dark,
I might...

Oh, you mean the phones.

Yeah, I can do the phones.
No problem.

Watch.

Hello, you're on the Virgin Hotline.

This is your counselor, Eugene.

Hi. My name is Isis J. Blowup Doll.

And my boyfriend, Bud, hasn't been
able to keep his hands off me...

...ever since I came out of the box.

Now, should I try to stay firm...

...or just explode and go to pieces?

Very funny, Kel,
but don't let me keep you.

I'm sure the trucker paid
for the whole hour.

Crank call.

Yes, we occasionally get those too.

Usually from mean people
who have had sex.

But remember, Mr. Bundy,
they mock us because they envy us.

Yeah, right.

Virgin Hotline.

Hi, this is Buck.

I'm wearing nothing but my fur.

I miss you, Bud.

I miss our special times together.

Kelly, Kelly, please!

Oh, now, come now, Mr. Bundy.
Chin up.

People used to call me
and say they were my showerhead.

What's the matter, Kelly?
Is your bed closed for repairs?

Is this the right number?

My name is Esther and I thought
I was calling the Virgin Hotline.

Really? This is a real call.

Yeah, you're on the Virgin Hotline.

I've been trying to wait
until marriage...

...but everywhere you look
is sex, sex, sex.

Well, where exactly are you?

Home, watching TV.

Oh, God, they're doing
a Bugle Boy jeans commercial.

Oh, you're losing her, Mr. Bundy.
Quick, do a TV talk-down.

TV talk-down?

Okay, Esther, now, listen to me.

We're gonna have to
take your mind off of sex.

Now think of the guy
from the Zima commercials.

I can't.
Now Melrose Place is coming on.

Billy's taking his shirt off.

Mr. Bundy, we have a code red.
We're going to have to act fast.

I'll keep her talking.
You go to her house.

- What?
- Don't argue. Take your handbook...

...and your "Never Had It, Never Will"
Virgin Hotline cap.

Hurry, or I'm gonna have to
call my boyfriend.

Take my car.
I'll call with the address.

And, Bud,
you have a really cute tush.

It's Friday night
and what am I doing?

Talking a girl out of sex.

Oh, my God.
I am my father's Oldsmobile.

Well, let's get this over with.

Esther. With a name like that,
I should have brought a chew toy.

Hi. I'm Esther. Save me.

Now, all we have to do is find
one movie that we can both watch.

Hey, here's one.
Die, Scum-sucking Pig, Die.

Ray Walston and Sherman Hemsley
in a haunted house, Peg.

Al, you have rented that
25 times already.

Well, it's good.

Oh, how about this?
Four Weddings and a Funeral.

That's kind of like five
of the same thing, isn't it?

Hey, how about
WrestleMania bloopers?

You could have taped
our honeymoon for that.

You know, Al, maybe you should
go your way and I'll go mine.

Really? After all these years?
Thank you, Peg.

No, I mean in the video store.

Now go find a movie we can both enjoy,
and be serious, Al.

Hey, Dorf on Skiing.

So. Virgin, huh?

I just can't tell you how tough it is
for a woman to maintain her chastity.

Every single girl I know
is just preoccupied with sex.

They'll have it with anyone,
anywhere, anytime.

Really? Well, if you'd just give me
their names...

...their photos
and their phone numbers...

...I'll get to the bottom of them.

I mean, of it. Bottom of it.

No, Bud, please don't leave
before my mother gets home.

If I take my eyes off you,
I know I'll get all horny again.

I'm glad to be of service.

Can I get you something to drink?

Well, you got anything
fresh squeezed?

I'll see.

I'm really sorry to drag you out
on a Friday night like this...

...but I can't tell you
how much I appreciate...

...an organization like yours, Bud.

I don't understand
what's wrong with the world.

Everywhere you look, temptation.

Zima guy, Zima guy.

No, no, I mean, I mean,
I mean Roseanne, Roseanne.

Peg.

Diesel Head.

"A man and a monster truck
exchange brains"?

Like Emilio Estevez
would make a bad movie.

Look, Al, you have said no
to every movie that I've chosen.

Because every movie
you choose sucks.

- Fried Green Tomatoes sucks?
- Yes.

Now, look, obviously,
we are not gonna agree on anything.

I mean, why should movies be
any different than sex?

Well, can't eat popcorn
when you're having sex, Peg.

Al, let's just find something
to please both of us...

...and do not go
into the adult section.

I don't even know
where the adult section is.

Here are the classics.

Schindler's Lust.

Booty and the Beast.

And my favorite, Forrest Hump.

- Oh, excuse me.
- No problem.

- Marcie!
- Al.

It's not what you think.

Well, that's good,
because I think I'm gonna heave.

I've just been monitoring porn
for my women's group.

We are sick of films that exploit
and degrade women...

...and we are not going
to take it anymore.

Here are the tapes you asked us
to hold for you.

Silence of the Loins
and The Joy Slut Club.

Shall I just charge those
to your house account?

Fine.

I'm taking these home to erase them.
That'll show you men.

Do you have condoms?

Oh, Al, look what I found.

Like Water for Chocolate.
It's a love story.

What a coincidence, Peg,
I found a love story too.

Mrs. Assfire.

- Water.
- Fire.

- Water.
- Fire.

All right, Al, that's it.

You get what you want,
I'm going home.

Oh, now, wait, Peg.
This could be good.

Big 'Uns magazine guide
gives this two things up.

Al, I am not checking out porn.

Now, you would think that,
in a video store of 10,000 tapes...

...we could find at least one movie
that we would like--

Butch Cassidy.

Oh, Al.
Now, here's a movie we can agree on.

You remember when we were dating
and we saw this at the drive-in?

I remember that we saw half of it.

You know, I still have the imprint
of the Dodge logo on my back.

I can't believe you still have that car.

Well, I can't believe I still have you.

- Where were we, Peg?
- Sharing a tender moment.

Oh, yeah.

You remember how they kicked us out
for making too much noise?

Well, you were hurting me, Peg.

Well, we certainly made up for it
that night, in my father's hall closet.

- Oh, Al.
- Yeah?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Mrs. Assfire?

- No.
- All right, Butch Cassidy it is.

Oh, good.
I heard it has a happy ending.

All right, spread them, thief.

Look at that, Peg.

You know, some people
just have no respect...

...for the personal property of others.

Nothing at all, I tell you.

M-E-L-O-N-S. Melons.

Your turn.

So, what have you got?

Nothing I can use.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Hi, Mom. This is my new friend Bud.

- He's from--
- I know. The Virgin Hotline.

I saw your picture
on the side of a bus.

Great. You wouldn't happen to know
where that bus is...

...so I could throw myself
in front of it?

Oh, they're everywhere, hon.

And I'm so glad that you were here
to help Esther in her time of need.

Now, young lady,
it's time for you to do your homework.

Okay, Mom.

And thank you, Bud.

Keep in touch.

Well, I didn't mean with me.

I meant with herself.

Well, not with herself,
with her schoolwork.

- See you.
- Well, I'd like to thank you too, Bud.

If there had been a Virgin Hotline
when I was her age...

...I might have known
who her father was.

Well, knowing who your father is
isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Is there any way I can repay you?

No, ma'am, no.
No, according to the book...

...we're not allowed
to take any kind of compensation.

Even if it's these?

Didn't say anything about tips.

Mom, Dad, I'm going out!

Mom? Dad?

Butch Cassidy and
the Sundance Kid.

Now, why would you rent a movie
and not watch it?

It's like renting a hotel room
and not ripping off the honor bar.

Old people do the dumbest things.

Thank you.