All language subtitles for Coupling - [1x01]

*

* you won't admit you love me *

* and so *

* how am i ever *

* to know *

* you always tell me *

* perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *

* perhaps *

* perhaps *

* perhaps *

So you're really
going to do it?

Oh, yeah. This time.

Did he say
what he wanted?

Not a word.

Maybe he's going
to propose.

Do you think she knows
you're going to dump her?

She ought to know by now.

I've dumped her the last
four times i've seen her.

So what goes wrong?

We have sex.

You have sex?

She makes me.

How?

She suggests it.

She suggests it?

Exactly.

Evil.

You said you had
a fantastic time
last weekend.

Maybe he's thinking,
you know...

one swallow
doesn't make a summer.

Last time i dumped her,

We had amazing, fantastic,
borderline-Illegal sex.

Now she thinks we're back on.

Well, that's ridiculous.

I know. One swallow does not
make her my girlfriend.

Maybe you should marry him.

It's not like that.
It's very casual.

It's really just sex
with a fringe of conversation.

But what if he's
your last ever man?

What if you've used up
your goes?

Remember, every morning

Your face has slipped
a little bit more.

Since 30 i've had to put
a daily limit

On facial expressions.

I only ever smile
at single men,

So i can justify
the loss of elasticity.

Is this how your mind works
all the time?

The only reason i work

Is so i stop worrying
about my hair.

And this
from my beautician.

Which reminds me--
Facial, wednesday evening.

Just don't count
every time you find a wrinkle.

Do i do that out loud?

You've got a running total
in my file.

Sally, does it ever
occur to you

That age brings wisdom
and greater confidence?

Susan, age brings you
more to shave.

So you dump her,

And then she does
this suggesting thing?

Yeah.

I'll be just about to leave.

I'll be thinking
that i am finally out.

She just leans over,
looks me in the eyes,

And goes,
"i'm wearing stockings."

No!

She's never
worn them before,

Not once
in the entire relationship.

I begged.

Yeah, but, steve, you're
entitled to her stockings.

Am i?

Yes, you're still
in the zone.

The what?

The boyfriend zone.

This is
the tailing-Off period.

You've still got
a load of stuff at her flat.

You might still have
a wedding to go to together.

You're under joint headings
in your friends' address books.

And that means i'm entitled
to see her underwear?

If it comes up.
That's the rules of the zone.

Good luck in there, steve.

You're a strange
and disturbing man, jeff.

Thank you.

Steve, do you know what i call
this kind of woman?

You know, the type
you can't get rid of?

Is this going to be
really tasteless?

Am i going to be ashamed
to be your friend?

It's a technical term.
It's a harmless expression.

All right. Hit me.

Unflushable.

Turn around, jeff.
Walk away.

Because they keep
bobbing around.

Go, jeff, go!

Go.

Don't look back. Go.

Hi, patrick.
Hi, susan.

Hi, steve.

Jane.

And my sister said no,
so i said yes.

Then she said no again,
so i just said yes.

But then she said no.
So i said yes, yes, yes.

How does this story
end exactly?

She said i had an answer
for everything.

Right.

And i just said, "yes!"

Jane!

Okay, listen to me, okay?

I know i've tried
to say this before,

And i know i never seem
to get anywhere,

But this time, jane,

I am going to put it
very, very simply.

It's over between us.

You want us to split up?

Yes. Oh, yes, i do.

I don't accept.

What?

I don't accept it.

No, no, you can't
not accept it.

I'm breaking up with you.

Don't i get a say in it?
Of course you don't.

If i don't get a say,
then i don't accept it.

Anyway, then my sister
just looked at me

And she said no, no, no.

Mary kelly
does not fancy you.

I can tell from the way
she acts around me

She finds me attractive.

Is there any form
of female behavior

You don't interpret
as finding you attractive?

It's never really come up.

If you two are finished,

I thought you wanted
to speak to me.

Yeah. Yeah, i do.

Could you give us a minute?

Mary kelly thinks
you're a complete idiot.

Why does she keep looking
at my arse when we're talking?

She's lip-Reading.

( Clears throat )

We need to talk.

Sure.

About our relationship.

( Sighs )

I'm just starting to think

It's all getting
a bit hot and heavy

And we both need to back off
and cool down.

You know, maybe we should
just both think about

Where everything's going
and whether we're starting

To commit more
than we intend to or...

or want to.

What relationship?

And then my sister said,
"absolutely not,"

So i said,
"absolutely yes."

It doesn't matter
whether you accept it or not.

It's over.
You're dumped.

Look, um,
it's not you, okay?

It's me.

Then why am i the one
that's getting dumped?

You should be the one
that gets dumped.

Exactly, it's all my fault.
So dump me.

No!

What?

We can work on your problems.

I can't believe you!

Well, i didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.

I just never saw it
as a relationship as such.

I just thought we were having
a bit of fun, a bit of sex.

Well, yeah, i mean,
that's what i thought.

I mean, that's pretty much
the way i see it.

Well, there you are, then.
Yeah.

I mean, it's not as if we're
being faithful or anything.

Oops.

You've got to
let me out, please.

Look, why don't we
give it a year?

Because if we
give it a year,

I will end up
horribly murdering you

And hacking up your body.

Okay.
How long do you suggest?

( Sighs )

I'm so sorry.
I had no idea.

It's fine.

We were only seeing
each other once a week.

That's not exactly
a sex life.

You must have been doing
a lot of solo flights.

No, i wasn't!
Oh, come on!

I certainly was not.
I was saving it all up for you.

No, really?

Oops.

Some relationships
are supposed to end.

There are some relationships

That the world
is better off without.

Remember crippen?

Here we go--
Bring up crippen again.

You seem to forget
the crippens enjoyed

Many happy years of marriage
before he murdered her.

Please listen to me.

They didn't just give up.
They worked at it.

That's the real lesson
of the crippens.

He killed her and was hanged
for her murder.

Well, yes, eventually.

Look, i'm not saying
it wasn't good.

I'm just saying it didn't
seem like a week's worth.

Oh, no,
don't look like that.

Not everyone has
my level of sex drive.

I mean, for a start,
you're a bloke--

All right. All right.

I wasn't going
to say anything,

But actually i've been
seeing someone else, too.

You've been cheating on me?

What?

Is this true,
patrick?

But you were cheating on me.

I wasn't cheating--

I wasn't being faithful.

You were being faithful,

And that means
you were cheating.

And i thought i knew you.

Do you know
what i'm going do?

I'm going
to walk out of here.

And whether you
accept it or not,

I am never going to speak
to you or see you again.

That is it, over.

Steve, we've just--

Don't start
suggesting things

Or telling me
what you're wearing.

Or doing the thing
with your breasts.

I'm going.

I just wanted you
to know something.

It's not going to work.

I experienced a passionate
connection with you

That i've never
encountered before.
Not listening.

I've never known lovemaking
so electric.

No, it's having no effect.

Except perhaps once
with arthur.

You know, the night
before he left for the gulf.

There is no level
of cheap manipulation

That will work, jane.

And maybe a couple of times
with elizabeth.

Hey, steve. Guess who?

Listen, there's something
i forgot to tell you

About the--Steve?

Steve, are you all right?

I was this close.

Evil.

Susan? Hey.

Jeff, hi.

You never told me
about elizabeth.

Well, you know i've had
relationships with other women.

No, you never told me that.

Not once
in the entire relationship.

I begged!

Well, it's too late now.

No! I'm still in the zone!

This is patrick,

And this is jeff,
who works in my office.

Hi, right.
Good to meet you.

So how do you
know susan, then?

She just dumped him.

Oh, great.

Oh, sounds like my cue
for a loo break.

Excuse me a sec.

So, dumped
and still here, eh?

So you're an unflushable.

Oh! Oh!

Um, isn't this the ladies'?

Sorry. Just, um,
just washing my hands.

Mm-Hmm.
And the money's for?

You get these free
in the ladies'?

Apparently.

Yeah, um...

well, i think in terms
of humiliating myself

In front
of a complete stranger,

This couldn't get much more
embarrassing, could it?

So how are you
these days, steve?

Great.

We met at my office party.

Jeff invited you, i think.

And you spent
the whole evening

Arguing with some woman
about crippen.

Yeah, i was rather insulted.

I seem to remember i was trying
to chat you up at the time.

Oh.

So, have you seen
that woman recently?

Define "recently."

Okay, look, i'd better--
No, no, hang on.

Maybe we could, you know,
meet up sometime.

Well, yeah.
You know where i work.

Jeff's got my number.

Nothing to stop you
from calling me.

Great.

Great.

Where are you going?

In there.

Why? What are you
going to do?

That's not a level of detail
most people look for.

Sorry.
Um, still using it.

What?

Haven't finished.

I was on a break.

What, you popped out to wash
your hands during your--

Yes.

It's been a tricky one.

Oh! Oh!

Look, look,

I don't think this is
such a good idea anymore.

Oh, you're just getting
all confused again.

I'll tell you what.
I'll take my clothes off.

No, no, no, no.
That's not going to work.

Whatever you might think,
whatever everybody might think,

It just so happens i'm not
completely--Shaved!

I mean shallow!

Your friend steve--
Is he all right?

Yeah, yeah, he's having
a bit of trouble at the moment.

He's got an unflushable.

Oh. Oh, i see.
You mean he can't--

No, no, not so much can't.
He won't.

He won't?

At the last minute
he gets all sentimental.

So, back on
your own again, eh?

Back out there.

You're smiling at me.

I don't think
i've ever seen that.

You're a single man now.

You qualify for my elasticity.

Is that as good
as it sounds?

( Moaning )

Mayday! Mayday!
They're all over me!

How well do you know susan?
Are you close?

Close? I've got her cycle
in my organizer.

Wait, are you thinking
of asking her out?

I've already, kind of.
Why, is it a problem?

What, have you and her,
you know?

Oh, yeah, well, we gave it
a try, you know,

But it was a long time ago.

Didn't really work out.
I think i made her nervous.

That's understandable.

So you managed to finish
with jane, then?

( Moaning )

Define "finish."

Oh, steve, have you
finished with jane?

Are you out of the zone?

If you ask susan out while
you are still seeing jane,

That could be
a problem later.

So, where were you
zone-Wise with jane

When you asked susan out?

Well, you know,
pretty much...in there.

Yeah, yeah,
but where exactly?

You know,
like middle, edge...

during.

During?

During?

It's not as bad
as it sounds.

I was in the toilet cubicle
with jane.

When i was nipping out to get
a condom, i asked out susan.

The zone has a new king.

But you will rule alone.

Jeff.

Hello.

That, uh, that steve guy--

How well do you know him?
Are you close?

Close?
We're porn buddies.

Porn buddies?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Is this code?

Were you two in prison
together or something?

No, no, no,
it's a safety precaution.

You know, like a scuba diver
dives with a buddy

In case he runs out of air.

Okay, so are you telling me

That a porn buddy
stands by with oxygen?

( Laughing )
no.

Um, many years ago

Steve and i
exchanged house keys.

Are you sure
this isn't code?
It's not code.

In the event of steve's death,
the first thing i will do,

Upset though i will be,

Is go straight to his house
and remove all the pornography

Before his parents
can find it.

You're kidding.

And he's pledged to do
the same for me.

That's how close we are.

You guys have
seriously made arrangements

To destroy your dirty mags?

Who said destroy?

Remove.

Yeah, but you wouldn't
keep them, would you?

Well, it's a perk.

Oh, jeff.

That's the beauty of it,
you see.

Your best friend's dead,
but there's a bright side.

You're trying to put me
off him, aren't you?

No way.

Why would i do that?

I know it was
a long time ago,

But, um, you and me?

Yeah, well, that didn't
really work out, did it?

I'll never understand
why i made you so nervous.

I've never seen anyone
look so terrified.

It's all in the past, that.
Please forget about it.

( Phone rings )

Hello?

Oh, talk of the devil.
Hi, steve.

No,just talking about you
with jeff, your buddy.

Um, tomorrow evening?

Tomorrow evening
would be fine, yes.

May have to be a bit later.

I'm supposed to be having
a facial.

Okay, and then we can have
a good long chat about jeff.

( Phone rings )

Hello, this is jane.
Sorry i'm not here.

I'm out of the zone.
I am finally out.

( Beep )

Jane, hi, this is steve.

Um, look, there's something
i've been trying to say,

And i think by now
you know what it is.

So just listen.

You are a beautiful, sexy,
highly intelligent woman,

And a man would
have to be insane

Not to want to spend
the rest of his life with you.

This message tape is now full.
Please hang up.

This tape message is now full.
Please hang up.

Jeff, i'm going on a date.
Why are you following me?

I just think you might need
a few last-Minute pointers.

Jeff.

Um, here's a pointer
from me--

This is dinner for two.

Quality. Nice.

Susan's idea.

She's going to be here
in an hour.

Do you know the biggest
turnoff on a first date?

You?
Discussion
of mutual friends.

An hour?

Yes, she's having a facial.

And i'm trying
to avoid someone.

Who?

Oh, my god.
What?

Have you been completely clear
with her that it's over?

Hello, gorgeous.

And...

i got your lovely message.

You know,
i feel quite flushed.

How did you find me?
The usual.

Oh, right. You phoned my flat,
found i wasn't there.

Then you phoned
all the local taxi companies

And found out which one had
picked me up and where i'd gone.

Then you phoned
all the local restaurants

And found out which one
had my booking.

Well, if i didn't do that,

How would we ever
see each other?

Remember the time i gave you
such a big fright,

You almost fainted?
Where was that?

Prague.

You should have seen
his little face.

He cried.

Jane, listen.

Oh, my god!

The zone really hates you!

Hi. I didn't expect you
to be here already.

Didn't expect you.

Thought you were having
a facial.

Oh, she canceled.
She canceled?

It's okay. I was going
to cancel it anyway.

Don't really need it.
Are you sure?

What are you saying?

Nothing. I'm just worried
about your face.

Jeff.

Susan! Hi!

I thought
you were having a facial.

It was canceled.

Canceled?!

Well, do you want me
to have a word with them?

Hello.

Hello.

I'm jane,
steve's girlfriend.

Susan.
Pleased to meet you.

You have a girlfriend?

Well, at the moment.

At the moment?
You're early.

Are you seeing
this woman?

No, no,
not for another hour.

Steve!

Okay, yes.
Yes, we're on a date.

I'm sorry, steve,

But i simply won't
tolerate that.

Look, i'm very fond of you,

And i hope
we'll always be friends,

But i'm afraid this
relationship is now over.

Yes!

Sorry.

Just like that?

I'm afraid so.

I just wish you would
have said something.

Does somebody want to tell me
what's going on?

Sally,
what are you doing here?

I was feeling guilty.

I should never
have canceled your facial.

Patrick?

Oh, hi.

Oh, what exactly
is going on here?

You're asking me?

I can't believe you're using
our restaurant for your date.

That's so thoughtless.

Patrick, you are using
our restaurant

And my friend
for your date.

Okay, you win that one.

Okay, so let me guess.

You asked him out
the moment i dumped him.

Sally, you don't
even like him.

I panicked. My neck
looked old this morning.

We'll talk later.

Steve, you and i
will talk now.

Well, anyway.

Here we all are on steve
and susan's first date.

Isn't this great?

Let's all have dinner
and plan the future.

Table for six?

Jeff,
what are you doing?

Are you worried we're going to
talk about you or something?

No.

What is there to say?

You know about him and me?
The nerves thing?

Well, yes,
but don't worry about it.

Jeff makes
loads of women nervous.

You made me nervous?

You told him
you made me nervous?

Mr. "I've lost all feeling
down my left side."

Mr. "I think all my joints
have locked together,

Can you carry me home?"

Jeff?
Didn't he tell you?
He fainted.

I was only faking it

So that i wouldn't have to
have sex with you.

That wasn't a great defense,
was it?

Oh!

Look, sex can be
very stressful for men.

You judge us on technique,
sensitivity, stamina--

And we're just happy
if you're naked. Half naked.

One breast.

Oh, jeff, i can't believe
what i'm hearing.

You won't
be hearing any more.

I'm staying and monitoring
the rest of your conversation.

Jeff, i want to talk
to steve privately.

No. No, you're both
friends of mine.

If you get together,
it affects me.

I'm a legitimate part
of this date.

Go away, jeff.
Please.

Yeah, what do i
have to do here, beg?

Show you a breast?

All i'm saying
is that for...

okay.

What?

Okay.

Okay what?

Okay on the breast thing.

I'll go in exchange
for a breast.

I wasn't serious.

It's too late.
I was.

You've already seen them.

Yeah, during a panic attack.
I was blind.

You reckon you can
take them now?

Well, singly.

I wasn't serious, jeff.

You really think i'm going
to flash you in public?

We're in a corner.

I don't think anyone else
will see.

Patrick, what are you doing?
You've seen them lots of times.

Yeah, but now you're an ex.

Oh, yeah, that's the best.

What are you two doing?

Always good to see
a friend's breast unsupported.

And i just like
looking at breasts.

This just gets better
and better.

Will you people get it
into your heads?

I am not doing this.

Steve.

Just in case you do do it.

You know, technically
i'm on a date with you.

I don't want to end up
a breast behind everybody else.

Actually, susan,
that's fair.
I agree.

Do you know what?
I am gonna do this.

I'm gonna do this
just to show you

How low, pathetic,
and desperate you've all become.

Result!

But i want you to remember,

I intend this breast
satirically.

Now there's a sentence
that can't come up too often.

Okay, which one?
Any preference?

Either.
Don't mind.

The right one.

Trust me.

What's wrong
with the left one?

Don't be like that.

There has to be
a second place.

I wasn't aware you'd
assessed them individually.

You were asleep.
I was bored.

Okay, fine.

Remember, this is to show you
how low you have sunk.

Yeah, but we get
to see a breast,
right?

Yes!
Cool.

Okay, here we go.

Fire one.

No, no, that's the left.
We want the good one.

If you only could see
how stupid you all look.

Table for six, please.

I'm sorry.
I think we're fully booked.

She's got another one
just like it, you know.

Yeah. Well, pretty much.

Patrick!

Perhaps we're not
fully booked.

Let me go and see
what i can do.

I thought the plan was
to get rid of everyone.

New plan.

Let's see--
Your ex, my ex.

Your best friend,
my best friend.

Well, every new relationship
has baggage,

So why not invite it
all out for dinner?

So i take it this isn't
a date anymore?

Or--Or is it?
Are we still--

Steve, i think
in the circumstances,

Let's just take it
one breast at a time.

* if you can't
make your mind up *

* we'll never get started *

* and i don't want to wind up *

* being parted *

* broken-Hearted *

* so if you really love me *

* say yes *

* and please don't tell me *

* perhaps, perhaps,
perhaps *