Original subtitles

Welcome, folks, to Last One Laughing Ireland.

Ireland is a country where basically the weather's so awful

it means laughing is compulsory from a very young age.

A country where those who take themselves too seriously

are viewed with serious suspicion.

However, for the next six hours,

we're going to suspend that notion

as we send ten of our finest comedians into this glorious room.

They'll have a very important mission.

Do everything in their power to make each other laugh

whilst resisting the urge to laugh themselves.

That's right, for the first time in history,

a group of ten Irish people will be put together

and won't be allowed to laugh.

And let me be very clear, I mean nothing.

No smirks, smiles, chuckles, chortles, giggles, guffaws, nary even a titter.

And the person who manages to hold it together till the very end

through all this madness will become the first ever

Last One Laughing Ireland champion,

win 50,000 euros for their chosen charity,

and lift this soon-to-be iconic emblem of Irish television.

It's not even plugged in, just delighted with itself.

And this is where I'll be keeping a close eye on proceedings.

Trust me, with the amount of cameras we've rigged up in that room,

I'll be able to see everything and I mean everything.

Hope I don't live to regret that decision.

Er, right, it's time to get going. I am so looking forward to this.

Oh, here we go. First one up.

It's Aisling Bea, Hollywood's favourite Kildare woman.

I'm sure this is how it feels when you die.

God, open the door.

Hello?

Oh, my God, am I the first one in?

You are.

Hello?

For me to not laugh, I'll have to be on the move all the time.

Lovely bit of knitting. Just in case you get bored.

I'll have to be on the go with an activity.

Oh, my God, I'm doing a great job!

You really are.

Graham Norton, if you can see this...

I can.

Look at the job I'm doing.

Looks like she's knitting a tumour.

Ooh.

Oh! I pity the fool.

Jason Byrne.

Uh-oh! A day of no laughin'.

My close family have said, "You'll be totally fine in there.

You're an absolute misery."

- Eh! - Ah, no way!

- Hi! - Oh, that's gonna be a problem.

Silly has entered the building.

Whoever lasts the longest is the most miserable shit in Ireland.

I was very much brought up to be nice to everybody.

So, I'm in trouble here.

That's what my fear is, that we'll all smile immediately

or laugh immediately because that's the kind thing to do.

They can go fuck themselves, and I'm coming to stab them in the back.

Tony Cantwell. He is going to be a joy to watch.

His comedy range is so crazily wide.

I'm young. I'm hot. I'm sexy.

I'm the TikTok generation. Here we go.

Act natural.

- Oh, Tony! - Tony!

Oh, Tony!

- Welcome, welcome, Tony. - Hello!

I think I'm gonna go, you know, sprint and then chill for a bit.

Sprint, chill. And I'm gonna go hard right at the very start.

- We love having people over, don't we, J? - Yeah, we do.

I'm gonna hump everything in there.

- Hello. - Hello, host room.

- How may I direct your call? - Who are we connected to?

- It's me Graham. Hi, Jason. - Oh, my God, Graham!

Hi!

Ah!

I think we better go! Okay. Bye.

- Welcome! - Oh, my God! This is so funny.

This is Catherine Bohart.

Now, she does this sweetness and light thing,

but I have seen her material and even I blushed.

- Hi. Oh, my God. - I'm dance-y!

I suppose if I had a strategy at all

it's to think about sad things when I need to laugh.

So your classics, the Titanic,

the rate at which straight women orgasm.

What? Martin Angolo. There he is.

He's the baby of the group, and he's so funny but so smiley.

Oh, my God! Now that is a tale. The fuck!

Hey, everybody.

- But what is it? - Have you not seen, er, a piano before?

You have to go in harsh, I think. Be a bit cruel.

No friendly handshakes, no friendly hugs.

I hear people.

Oh, my God! Tony!

Here she is!

Oh, the first, second and third lady of Irish comedy.

The holy trinity of hilarious.

- Deirdre O'Kane. - This is not good news.

My old friend Deirdre O'Kane.

- Hello, Jason Byrne. - You all right?

I'm just gonna suck in my cheeks like this.

Possibly biting a good chunk off.

If you have to you have to, do you know? Pride feels no pain.

- Gosh. - So nice to see you.

If there's any sort of female comic in there who I fancy, I'm in trouble.

So if Deirdre O'Kane's in there, I'm doomed.

- Prosecco? - Yeah. Yeah.

I love Deirdre, straight for the booze.

Whaaa!

- Ah, Emma! - Oh, my God!

Are youse well?

Now, this is Emma Doran.

Usually, she's got a thousand characters up her sleeve.

I'm guessing they're now in that suitcase.

I think it's the three Ds. It's dark, dirty and devilment.

This is mad, isn't it?

Oh, it's Mister Improv himself.

Oh, Tylak! That way.

Oh, Tylak!

It felt like we're just a bunch of comedians on tour.

But a static tour, maybe?

We're allowed to laugh at the moment, are we?

No. If you laugh now, I think your family get taken away.

- Geez, not again. - Yeah.

Oh, no!

Well now, the very sweet,

the very lady-like, Amy Huberman.

How are you?

How long will the sweetness last in this room?

Oh, no!

I love laughing.

So, I don't know why I'm here.

This is a really bad idea, guys.

David McSavage with a wheelie bin.

I can't wait to see how the others react to this.

Hearts will soar. Hearts will sink.

Oh!

Ah...

Oh, wow!

David!

- So good to see you. - I don't want to be here.

I'm nervous about it all.

I'm all over the fucking place. Like, I'm genuinely on the spectrum.

That's self-diagnosed, by the way.

I shall address the people. Looking forward to meeting them actually.

Hello, everybody!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Hello, hello, hello, hello. Hi, everybody.

Hi. Hi. Grab a seat. Nice to see you.

- There you go. Yeah. Welcome all. - Get in there.

I just want to explain the concept.

It's everything served on small plates. Erm...

Erm...

So six hours, you've basically got two jobs.

One, to make the others laugh.

But most importantly, not to laugh yourself.

I'll be next door.

I'll be watching everything very, very closely.

I've got two buttons.

When I hit the green one, you hear this…

And that means game on.

It is time to not crack a smile.

The second button is red.

When I hit that... Geez, God!

- That happens. - The British are back!

They're coming!

That was even more dramatic than I was expecting it to be.

That means the game is paused. It would seem like the end of the world.

But then I will come in with cards, either red or yellow.

This is based on sports.

And yellow just means it's your first infringement.

That's the first time we've noticed you smirking or laughing.

If you get the red card, that's it, er, you're out of here, and you'll join me.

And remember, if you do stay the distance

and you are the last one laughing,

you will win 50,000 euros...

- Wow! - For the charity of your choice.

And on top of that, never have to do a gig for them again,

which I feel... which I feel is the biggest prize, really.

I'm gonna go next door, and then I will be hitting that green button.

Good luck, everybody!

Thanks, Graham!

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

May the worst comic win!

One of those people is gonna win this baby.

We are screwed.

Okay!

This is it.

For the next six hours, they're all mine

and I can do whatever I want with them.

Shall we? All right.

Let's go.

Sorry, guys. That was my vagina.

- This is it now. - This is it.

Green means the game has begun, right?

I'm gonna make a cup of tea.

- I'm gonna have tea. - I'd have a tea now, Paul.

I was gonna say, how long would it be till somebody boils a kettle?

I'll do the teas and the milks, but you have to do your own sugar.

Whoo, Paul!

I'm going to pick people off like a sniper.

Come on, Jason.

Jason's itching to do something.

So you can touch a lot of things, and then they... they might do stuff.

Except for me. I put that in my contract.

Jason, do you know that the collective noun for a bunch of hedgehogs

is actually a bunch of pricks?

Oh, it's not murder?

Nope. A bunch of pricks.

Everyone's a threat. I am not safe with any of these people.

Would you be able to knit me a pair of knickers?

Yeah. I mean, I don't know if I have enough wool.

It's so weird to see Amy not smiling.

I'm just making, erm, just making some cereal in my pocket.

- Making some cereal? - Yeah, yeah.

But I'm doing it in my pocket.

- Okay. - You know what I mean?

He's fashioning a cone. I'm very impressed.

Does that get into your body quicker, is it?

No, it's sort of mulches the cereal and it warms the milk.

Right. Okay.

Oh, that's lovely.

Snap, Crackle and Cock.

Emma looked like just a ball of nervous energy.

A laugh dying to happen.

Will I get you your own spoon?

David was sniffing around me, and I was wobbling then.

My plan was to go after Amy.

Why not?

She acts, and she does the funny bits.

And she does the serious bits, so she's...

scooping up all the work.

- Hey, Emma. - Hey, how are you?

I'm just having a little look.

And her husband, rugby player.

Everyone in Ireland loves Brian O'Driscoll.

If you were a true friend now, you'd leave me alone.

♪ You're getting a feel for the place ♪

Is there a particular area in the house that you like?

I've always been obsessed with couches.

So, I thought maybe I could crack her

if I asked her dirty questions about her husband.

Would you ride on a couch a good bit?

- Daily. - On your couch?

Every day.

♪ This is harder than it looks 'cause I wanna laugh ♪

So, this is like before baby.

After baby.

Emma's showing me what happens to your anus after you have a baby.

Oh, is that what it is?

And this is before, nice and tight, living your best life. And then this is after.

I thought they came out of the other hole.

So we are shitting out babies?

- Yeah, exactly. - Why can't men do it then?

Ah, because they're so busy with sport.

- They're too sporty. - Yes.

I guess I don't know enough about men, huh?

You're talking like you're in another garden.

Oh!

We have a laugh!

Well, that worked.

Oh, my God.

- Jesus Christ. - Few minutes in.

Who did it?

Fucking me because Jason Byrne said that Catherine

was talking over like she was in another garden.

Ah, balls!

I mean, I didn't think I'd be walking this early.

I was very settled, but no!

Already we're heading in.

Er, hello, everybody!

Hi! Hi, hi.

I don't think there's any surprises here.

Now...

- Anyone like to confess? - Can I make...

- Can I make a case? - You can.

That we just use that as a warning to everyone.

It will be a warning to everyone but also…

Graham!

Let's have a look at the moment.

- Oh, no! - Here we go.

Here we go.

You're talking like you're in another garden.

Oh!

Oh!

- You knew what had happened there. - Oh, I knew.

- You are the first yellow card. - I really…

I thought that was a warning from the universe.

Good luck, all.

Right. First yellow card done and dusted.

Well, there's no doubt about that one.

Aisling cracks early, and this could be a long day for her.

Okay.

Restart!

Okay, now we're on.

I don't think it means that everyone just has to wander off on their own.

Brrrr!

Ooh, that outfit is unforgiving, I'll give you that.

Uh-oh!

My name is Rasher DuPont.

I'm a fuckin' Frenchman from Dublin.

Oh, that is good.

Ha-ha-ha, right!

Is a kind of thing I might say.

I thought this might be a better way for me to start going on the attack.

I have a love of the Irish and the French.

A certain joie de vivre.

That is a brilliant accent!

Do you like my hat?

Yeah.

- Do you want to know where I got it? - Tell me.

Well, first thing you should know my hat is full of cream.

And I got it in Éclairs Accessories.

Oh, very good!

- Hello, Amy. - Hello.

How are you? How are you getting on?

Getting on grand.

You know, I have the head of a Dublin man,

but the heart of a Frenchman.

He has a lot of Irish/French material.

So I know all about the ways of l'amour.

Well, how about l'amour then six pints?

You have a little drink with me and we get it on, eh?

- And let me tell you... - I'm married!

That is a woman who has rejected men before.

How you say? Sometimes there is a mistranslation where you go

from Dublin to French, you know.

For example, you ask people how they're doing here in Dublin.

They say, "Grand". I say, "I didn't ask how big you were, you prick."

Tony. Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony.

Tony's a killer. So that almost got me.

Tony's own Dublin Frenchman,

who was living below in the basement.

It was quite a large presence in the room, put it that way.

I saw him in the suit and I thought...

Slight... Tony's slightly to the left in the suit.

"Uh-oh, stop looking."

But then Tony came after me.

Disaster.

It's actually full of cream this hat.

I got it in Éclairs Accessories.

Very nice. I know it.

Maybe Tony hasn't that much Irish/French material.

I also have a brown one.

And I got that one in Chocolate Éclairs Accessories.

I don't want to be, er, how you say, inappropriate,

but would you mind if I touch your le tête?

That's French for head.

Could I give you a sausage?

Could you put it between my fingers like it's a fag?

- Now he's something. - Ah!

I can't get it in my mouth!

When the puppet had the sausage in his little hand...

and couldn't keep it up!

People were very nice after the fact being like, "That was great."

And I was like, "Well, tell your fucking face."

Do you know what, Amy?

I could actually make you a little pair of knickers by the end of this.

But because you can knit and you're funny, you are an actual knit wit.

I'll laugh at that later.

Cool.

She almost got me.

She's a mischievous little trickster.

Anyone want any poetry?

Has anyone ever said yes to that question?

"Pronunciation By Post.

I profess to detest people who pronounce envelope as 'anvelope',

but deep down, I 'anvy' them."

Oh, that's so good.

"You don't need a doorbell.

I learned that at the school of hard knocks."

I nearly, nearly went.

"If all the ducks in the world jumped up and down at once,

says my mate Jack,

there'd be an incredible almighty world-shaking Earth quack."

Very nice.

That's the sort of thing that makes me laugh.

"When shopping for cuckoo clocks today round three,

didn't buy any, nothing really jumped out at me."

But I need... I need... I need to get something. Hang on.

"One of the shops in town has moved."

It's bad when you have to follow your audience as they're leaving.

"Ironically, it was the stationery shop."

There are people who wouldn't find that kind of comedy funny.

That's okay. We can peacefully coexist.

But I will not be your friend.

Okay.

Don't laugh.

Lovely. It goes in so easily.

This is a man in his 50s.

He's got five hours with a pocketful of beans.

Maybe consider your life choices.

- Who... who is missing? - One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight, nine.

Whoa!

Yay!

Let's see a show.

- Brilliant! - Okay.

Oh, this is not going to be enjoyable at all.

The rules declare everyone must gather and pay attention.

Welcome. I assume we all know what we're looking at.

It's obviously a vulva. It's a vulva...

That looks more like the Ukrainian flag.

Now, look, I'm a lesbian. My time here might be limited.

I want to impart wisdom that we all need.

Martin, you already look confused.

- What's a lesbian? - Indeed.

It's time to play pin the parts on the…?

- Vulva. - Pussy! Come on!

- Pin the parts on the pussy. - Pussy!

- Here we go. - Classic children's game.

Tony, any idea what this is?

- It's the pussy lips. - No. Labia majora.

- Okay. - It's used for…?

…getting attention in an emergency.

- Come on, Tony. - Er, yes.

- I mean, I'm not a... I ain't no moron. - Cold, cold. Hot, hot, hot.

- That's a bit graphic. - Oh, so hot.

Very good, Tony!

In fairness, Tony got an easy one.

Even I could have done that.

Now, it is the arsehole, but the piece picks the player.

I got the anus, or the bum hole,

and it just looked like one.

That's good. Let's do it. All righty.

- Leave a little bit of skin. - Very nice, very good.

Labia minora. This is like the little piece of tissue paper you put in your gift

to make it look fancier than it is.

Do you know what I mean? To tart it up? Come on, Aisling.

You can show us where they go.

- When you're finished, you can knit one. - I think she is knitting one.

Have you...

I'm absolutely used to vag chat.

I wake up in the morning, I do it. Have a chat with my own.

- See how the day's gonna go. - I don't even know what's in her hand.

- What is it? - It's the labia minora.

Is that something you have for Jewish Christmas?

- Isn't that a Jewish candle? - Eh! Very good, Tony.

Some people lick this and think that it's the ice cream,

but it's actually the wrapper and you got to get in deeper into the ice cream.

- So, I would say that way round. - Very good.

Top of the class, Aisling Bea. Somebody's seen this before!

- Aisling. - That's right.

Wiggle your own minora, good woman.

This is a vaginal opening.

Vaginal opening, it's the... the body's natural purse.

So, you can keep your keys in there.

I wish I'd known that. I'm always losing my keys.

Emma, do you wanna put it on?

That was the plan, to engage with her and the pussy as little as possible.

I just closed my eyes. Let Jesus take the wheel.

There you go, there you go, there you go, there you go!

Poke the gee.

Okay, that's okay.

Who knew there was so much stuff in there?

- Urethra? Come on. - Oh, God, yeah.

- Come on. - Urethra Franklin, get up there.

Amy.

Oh, they didn't have Sex-Ed when Deirdre was in school.

Is that it?

That did not make Deirdre laugh.

- That's not even close. - You know when you wee, Dee?

Oh, I see.

We weren't very good at it? The women even.

Urethra?

Deirdre O'Kane seemed more shocked than any of us about where all of it went.

I mean, I'm looking at these pictures all the time.

- Yes, yes! Very good. Very good. - Oh, yeah.

Deirdre, a lot to learn about our own bodies.

I would say have a... get a little mirror out, have a little study.

I can't look at it.

She's a little vixen.

- David? - Yeah.

Great. This one, lads, the most important. It is the…?

I know you picked me because you probably think I don't know where a clitoris is.

But here's the thing, this is a match made in heaven

because I literally just filled my pocket with beans.

- Okay, before you flick anything, hold on. - No, I'm just saying though,

it's like we were destined to do…

You need to be able to do it in the dark, lads.

- Okay. - Turn to your left.

Go forward... step forward three paces.

One, two, three, stop.

- A little lower. - There?

Very good.

- I'd say that's good enough. - Very nice.

- Very nice. - Very good.

Okay, well, I would say that David won.

So he gets to keep the vulva for over your mantelpiece.

- David, do you want it? - Thank you. Thank you very much.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

What did you do at work today? I made this.

Thank you very much. I'd like to accept this award on behalf of, er...

my sons.

Beautiful.

That's beautiful. That's beautiful stuff.

Thank you.

Catherine, if we could fill up a jar of laughs, it'd be full.

Con-vag-ulations, everyone.

Focus. Okay. Okay.

It's for my family. For my family.

We are now going to go hell for leather.

Well, that's a cock-nosed gentleman if I ever saw one.

This is actually, er, Nostril-damus.

It just looked like my willy and my balls had been in a car crash.

And it was just like somebody had squashed my testicles onto my face here.

David, if you touch the front of here, I'll try and do your Nostril-damus future.

Do you know what? The sausage is working. Put that up the nose.

That'd be a connection. That's a connection.

It's ridiculous.

It's... I've had a few career lows and this is one of them.

Now, David, just need a tip of the finger on the end there.

He's just a machine gun of funny faces.

Okay, shh. I'm getting it. Now I can predict.

Can I get a hoop on that sausage there?

I almost broke when Emma put the sausage up the nose.

Jason turned to me and it wobbled.

Oh!

I feel that Tony is going to break soon.

Do you want to play knock the sausage?

Try and get the sausage out of Jason's nose.

You don't... That's like... Can you try and get the sausage?

I mean, like, I've got six stents, right. I've got to keep my blood pressure down.

It must have been literally going whoo!

I have six stents.

You've more money than stents, Jason.

Very good.

Thank you.

I was saying you've more money than stents.

No, I have more stents.

Poor Jason.

I thought this is not funny...

as I laughed inside.

Oh, yeah, by the way, don't try and make me laugh because I could die.

What are you doing over there?

- I was, er… - Emma Doran was haunting my left shoulder.

- Moi? - This has turned into Most Haunted now.

Yeah, it is. Where's Derek Acorah when you need him?

He's dead!

Dead Acorah.

Let's do it.

That's a sneaky one.

- Oh, who did it? - Oh, dear!

Who was it?

- I don't think I did. - Who was it?

Who was it?

- Could be me. - Tony?

Yeah, it might be me.

Here we go.

- Hello, everybody! - Hi!

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi!

Right, does anyone think it was them?

I didn't hear any laughs.

- Smiling? - All right. No ideas? Okay.

Er, this will reveal who smiled.

- Who smiled? - Oh, no!

- I could've smiled. - Here we go.

Oh, no, it's me!

Here we go.

- This has turned into Most Haunted now. - Where's Derek Acorah when you need him?

He's dead!

- There you go. Big grin! - Ooh!

- A big grin. - You fucking eejit!

- It's a yellow card. - Oh, no!

- I saw it on screen. - What?!

- That's a smile. It's a smile. - What?!

- That's how I listen! - I thought you were a nice person, Graham.

Them's the rules. So that's a yellow card for Aisling and Jason.

We were all walking on eggshells then.

I'm gonna go back next door, so... But actually, I'll tell you what?

I'm going to save my legs.

Because while I'm here, there is another card.

I mean, it's very early for a red card, Aisling.

Oh, no, wasn't me. Go away!

No!

It's very dangerous.

Oh!

Does anyone know where the sea is?

All very debauched.

I could hear farts.

Fuckin' hell!

See ya!

I can't believe it, The Den is back!

He has a family.

- You gouger! - Felt like a bit of an arse.

Uh-oh.

It's a blur.

Amy Huberman with her knockers out.

It's very diddly-wack, diddly-didle.

- So red card. - What?!

Step back, please!

Nothing in this house makes sense.