Original subtitles

The song, the song, the song, the 1812 Overture, the finale from 1812 Overture.

Yeah, what about it?

Well, you just, it was building to the big finale

and you just cut it off right before it ended.

Oh God, I'm sorry.

Oh no, please don't be sorry.

No, I'm just being stupid.

It's just that whenever a song comes on, if it's building to like the big chorus or

whatever, and if it gets cut off, then I feel unfulfilled psychologically.

Oh.

Oh.

You don't get that?

Uh, I guess I haven't really thought about it.

You didn't want to hear how it ended?

Well, I've heard it before.

No, I'm sure you have, but you didn't want to hear it just now?

No, I mean, I mean, yeah, sure.

Do you want me to put it back on?

Oh, no, no, no, please, no.

Then we'd be sitting in a car listening to a song.

Guess what?

I want to hear it now.

Maybe during your previous membership campaign, you stood on the sidelines and

said, I'll wait to call in when they really need me.

We were listening to the radio.

Yeah, it was the radio.

That's big enough to make a difference.

Wait no more.

There's a pledge drive right now.

We can go inside now.

Oh, okay.

Oh, could you?

Oh, sorry.

Uh, all right, you have to, all right.

Yeah.

That should do it.

Ah, all right.

Can I, uh, help you?

No, no, I got it.

I like it.

Have you made it for brunch before?

Not vegan.

Lexi's gone for lunch with you, so everyone has to suffer.

And, and Lexi, is, Peter's wife.

Lexi is Buck's wife.

Emma is Pete's wife.

Okay, yes.

All right.

If Lexi and Buck start singing songs, just nod and smile and pretend it's good.

Okay.

One more thing.

Don't say anything about Shane and Hedy's wedding.

Who?

Shane and Hedy.

Shane and Hedy, no wedding.

Long story.

Okay.

Hey.

Okay.

Hi, Anne.

Hi.

mucho.

Hi.

This is him.

I'm Glen.

Hey, Mama.

Hi.

Oh, good choice.

Great.

Come in, kids.

Wow, this place is great.

Thank you.

Do you, uh, rent or own?

We are proud homeowners.

We got it really cheap because there was a murder-suicide in the kitchen.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, technically the couple died in the ambulance on the way to the

hospital, but the real estate agent said everybody else spooked away.

Wow.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Hetty.

This is Glen.

Glen.

Glen.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Can I, uh, take your coat?

I remember putting it upstairs on the bed in the

bedroom because sometimes the cats like to pee.

Yeah, and we've also hired her as our coat check girl.

Oh, congratulations.

Yeah, good.

Please remember to tip her.

She gets real mad.

Do you want me to put that on the table?

No, I'll just put it in the kitchen.

Jenny and Gordon are here.

We're not waiting for Jenny and Gordon to eat.

No, we'll give them until 1230.

Because Jenny and Gordon are notoriously late.

Oh.

I never got friends like that.

No, they're worse.

Tracy!

Hey, hey, hey!

Oh, it's so good to see you!

Hey, how are you?

Pete.

Pete.

How beautiful.

Welcome to our humble abode.

Oh, thanks.

It's adorable.

Oh, I've heard so much about you.

Oh, thanks.

This is Lexi.

Oh.

Oh, the vegan.

The vegan?

That's how she refers to me?

I'm the vegan?

No.

No, because we were talking about the stew.

Oh.

Just mentioned.

Yeah.

Right.

Honey, I told you you didn't have to make anything different.

I'd be fine.

Why didn't you want me to feel left out?

If I didn't want to be left out, I wouldn't be a vegan, right?

Well, I made it and it's delicious.

I'm not even hungry.

It's really good.

But you guys are so cute.

Oh, thanks for coming.

Do you want a drink?

Uh, yes, please.

Sorry.

Tracy, can you bring your soup?

Uh, it started as soup.

Oh, yes, I've been there.

Um, babe, I put your coat up on the bed so

whenever you're ready to put the phone away.

Okay, thanks.

Oh, okay.

Um, you've got like five minutes.

No, I have 25 minutes.

We've been here for 15.

It starts when we get here.

No, it starts when we're talking about it.

Oh, babe, I'm in the middle of an auction.

Can you just say hi to Glenn?

Human interaction.

Can I help you?

No, I got it.

Please relax.

Do you want a mimosa?

Okay.

Are you sure that you don't need my help?

Uh, Glenn.

Mimosa.

I think Glenn looks like a man that appreciates the finer things in life.

A little scotch?

Uh, sure.

All right.

He's a chef.

He's cute.

Thanks.

Can you behave, please?

What?

What did I do?

Literally, we just walked in the door and you're already picking a fight with me.

How is that different from every other time we've seen each other?

I'm on a date and I'm trying to impress the man.

What number date is this, Tracy?

Third.

Oh, wow.

If we make it to number five, we'll be golden.

What is that supposed to mean?

Can you check this, Glenn?

Oh, I don't know.

Are you online?

That's not true.

I'm on eBay.

No matter what.

I was trying to get a comic book.

Oh, no, it's not just a comic book.

It's colorful.

Um, it's, uh, Near Men.

X-Men 120.

The first appearance of Alpha Flight.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

What is an Alpha Flight?

It's a Canadian superhero team from Marvel Comics.

There's a Canadian superhero team?

Who do they invite?

Quebec secessionists?

This guy has an on sale for $5 and it's worth over $160.

Whoa!

Wait, where did you say that you met Glenn?

At the hospital?

At the grocery store.

Where did you and Tracy meet?

Online.

Yeah, no shame in that.

That's where we found our vet.

That's great.

That's really good.

Yeah, it'll help you get through this.

I'm sorry, what?

The couple's brunch.

Oh, no, I'm looking forward to it.

Really?

Yeah, sure.

Can I ask you a question, Glenn?

Sure.

If you had to call someone up and tell them some bad news,

would you tell them right away or would you chit chat first?

Chit chat?

Yeah, you know, small talk.

How you doing?

What's going on?

No, I know, I know.

This weather just, it's crazy.

Right, right, no.

Well, I suppose it would depend on the severity of the bad news.

What do you mean?

Well, if I'm calling to let somebody know that a family member passed away,

then no chit chat.

I wouldn't beat around the bush with that.

Right.

But if I was calling to let them know that they

didn't get an apartment, then no chit chat.

You know, talk a little bit.

Are you in the apartment rental business?

No, no, I'm a teacher.

So why do you call people and tell them they didn't get an apartment?

I...

I don't.

I'm sorry, I thought the conversation was hypothetical.

No, the conversation is real, Glenn.

The problem is hypothetical.

Oh.

Yeah.

Are we

talking about this?

No.

Do you need something?

No, I'm okay.

I can't get a signal in there.

You getting a signal?

On your phone?

Well, feel free to use my computer in the living room.

Oh, I don't want to interrupt brunch.

I got nothing.

Very considerate.

Well, the reception back here is pretty spotty.

You might want to try the front porch.

Okay.

I can drink this out there?

Yeah, of course you can.

Cool.

So, Glenn agrees with me.

About what?

It's better to just rip the band-aid off.

What did you tell him?

I didn't tell him anything.

I just asked him a hypothetical question.

Well, he's not stupid, Pete.

He's gonna know what you're asking for.

We just met the guy.

How is he gonna have any idea what I'm asking for?

And how do we know he's not stupid?

We had an agreement.

Yeah.

Well, agreements change.

They don't.

That's why they're agreements.

This is awkward.

I'll deal with it.

Yeah.

I'll deal with it.

Damn.

I bet this game is so good, too.

I got nothing.

Me neither.

I'm with AT&T.

How about you?

I have no idea.

But...

Mom, slow down.

No, I'm not down to... I can ask him.

No, I'm not watching the news.

Excuse me, miss?

Miss?

Hey.

Can I borrow your phone real quick?

I'm currently on the phone.

What's his name?

Mom?

No, I don't know.

Oh, come on.

He loves it.

One of them, kinda.

Hey, hey, what's your name?

Oh, can I, miss?

I will see ya.

Oh, God.

I'm so allergic to dogs.

Next to the place where I get my pedicure is this vintage store that opened up.

And I know you guys think I have the worst fashion sense ever, but I did find...

I like vintage.

I found this really awesome bag.

Except for the mothballs.

I think you'd really like it.

Usually hate the bags that I buy.

An evening bag or a bag bag?

Bag bag.

Do you want to come upstairs and see it?

Yeah.

I'll just do that.

Mmm.

Good carrots.

You want to see my glockenspiel?

Oh, you're referring to the musical instrument?

Yes.

What else would I be referring to?

No, I don't... Tracy had mentioned that you and Buck perform.

Oh, yeah.

We perform alright.

If you behave yourself at brunch today, maybe we'll let you tap it.

Do you bump?

Excuse me?

Bump.

It's an app.

Oh, yeah.

The thing with the...

information sharing.

Do you want to try it?

I'm not sure how that works.

Okay.

Alright.

I don't think you have to actually hit it.

I'm not getting any signal at all.

No connection.

Awkward.

Alright.

I said you don't have to... What is going on here?

Are you guys bumping?

We were bumping.

Lenzo, you bumping my wife by my back?

Your screens aren't even protected.

Oh, Glenn.

Ooh.

Is the hummus vegan?

Yes.

It would be hot.

So, Glenn, what do you do?

He is a teacher.

Yes.

Oh, my God.

Me too.

Tracy didn't tell you that?

She's a teacher.

I didn't.

Not yet.

What grade do you teach?

Fourth.

History.

And you?

Twelve.

Mostly AP chemistry.

But now, this semester, they're letting me do a little bit of conceptual physics.

Oh, boy.

Are you an animal?

So, what school are you at?

St. Andrews Elementary.

Oh, is that the one by the mall?

She loves the mall.

Oh, it's fun.

I love the mall.

What school do you... I'm at MLK downtown.

Oh, I thought they closed that down after the shooting.

No, they tried, but they didn't succeed because some of us

teachers got together and we rallied and we got a charter.

Oh, yeah.

And it actually made me a bit of an administrator on campus.

You didn't tell me that.

They're unpaid administrators.

Yeah, but it's not about the money, baby.

If it was about the money, I would have taken the

job at the National Science Foundation, right?

Am I right?

Emma, I'm sorry to do this, but this isn't working.

Are you still cool with me using your computer?

No, come on.

Babe, I'm dying here right now, okay?

You remember the guy who found the Declaration of Independence for $5 You're

not the guy who found the Declaration of Independence.

I'm about to, though, and I don't know what's going on, all right?

Shane, as long as you're disrupting the brunch, I would like to

vote that we go in there and check out the score on the game.

No, we have it on the DVR.

Just watch it while we get there.

Hey, guys, guys, guys, seriously.

I think the men would all agree that we'd love to

go in there and check on the score of the game.

I would second that.

The score of what game?

The UT game.

Oh, right, right.

No, that's the devil's side.

You guys go watch the fucking game already.

Have fun, honey.

Maxie, I'm not gonna read this.

It doesn't offer.

Mom.

No.

Glenn, you better go.

It's gonna get all vaginal in here.

She can't say it, the view.

No, I can say it.

You can go.

Is it okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Bye, Glenn.

You're so cute.

You just asked for your permission to vote.

You're so cute.

Get out.

I'm gonna introduce you to my father.

Okay, wait.

I want to know what happened to Brad.

It turned out he was fucking crazy.

What?

Right.

What do you mean, right?

How can every guy you ever date turn out to be crazy?

They just do.

I don't know.

I really know how to pick them.

Are you saying it's me?

What was crazy about him?

How was he crazy?

Perfect example.

I needed some mouthwash.

So I'm at his apartment and I open the medicine cabinet and

there are giant glass jars of nail clippings and human hair.

Ew.

It's not crazy.

Does it even matter?

Yeah, it might to the Justice Department.

Well, I asked him about it and he said, I don't know, that's just how I was raised.

Well, that makes sense.

How does that make any sense?

He doesn't know any deadlines.

Why were you looking for mouthwash at his apartment?

We just went right over that.

Didn't we?

Because I'm a lady and I like to have fresh breath.

Alright.

You got a picture?

Nope, not yet.

Hey, who's this other guy in the picture with Tracy?

No, that's Roger.

Oh, that is Roger.

Yeah, he's a good guy.

I like him.

That was short lived though.

Hey guys, I don't mean to freak your minds

out, but I have $65 riding down the game today.

No.

Hey, Glenn.

You don't need to tell the ladies that, alright?

Yeah.

Yo, Pete, your internet's out too.

Yeah, well, one thing at a time.

Pete, how long y'all been married?

Eight years.

Lex and I actually met at their wedding.

She was a bridesmaid and I was in a band.

Yeah, and he was told not once, but twice by the wedding planner to stop

fraternizing with the guests.

Yeah, and rules are made to be broken, dude.

And if I hadn't broken your stupid rules, where would I be today?

Probably someplace where the internet's working.

And how long have you and Lexi been married?

Eight years.

Well, I thought you said, but you met at the... Uh-huh.

Sang on a Saturday, sexed on a Sunday, married on Monday.

That's true.

Dude, look, when I met Lexi, I knew that she was

the one and that we would be perfect together.

And we didn't give a shit what our parents or

sponsors or anybody else had to say about it.

We marched on down to City Hall and waited to rest.

That's great.

Congratulations.

She seems like a great gal.

Then we went to a TGI Friday's, got wasted, consummated in the bathroom.

Huh.

There's... I... That place is fun.

How long have you and Hetty been...

I... Oh, no, we're not married yet.

We're engaged.

Oh, great, great, great.

How long have you been engaged?

Six years.

Yeah, just because two people get engaged

doesn't mean they have to get married right away.

No, no, of course.

I mean, there's no need to succumb to pressures just because society says you should.

Totally agree with that.

I think that you should set the date when the time is right.

You know, when both people are secure in their careers and can afford a nice home

and, uh, you know, you want to start a family.

Yeah, of course.

What was that?

No, I think, uh, I think Hetty's getting pretty close to setting a date.

Oh, yes.

I mean, it's not you.

It's what I meant...

Well, you know how traditionally the, uh...

Hey, where is the... Yeah, restroom.

Oh, sure, sure.

It's upstairs to the left.

To the left.

Hey, don't forget to jiggle the handle.

It'll just keep running.

You should just maybe change the channel.

Maybe it's just the one station.

No, I really tried everything.

Uh, did somebody forget to pay the cable bill this month?

It's not that.

I mean, we have a whole bundle, package thing.

Internet, TV, landline.

Who still has a landline?

It's for faxing.

Who still faxes?

The guy who owns this TV still faxes.

Actually, that makes sense, yeah.

Are you fucking kidding me?

We're walking out of the place and this guy comes

up to us and he's like, do you want some blow?

As if he had heard us talking about it inside.

Like an angel or something.

No, I think they're called drug dealers.

So we gave him a condo and he hooked us up with some primo shit.

We hung out with a white lady until like 7.30.

When was this?

Last night.

Are you kidding?

No.

Did you sleep?

No, I'll sleep when I'm... You're going to sleep in your bed.

How many times do we have to tell you how bad cocaine is for you?

All your little angels.

You think I would stop telling my drug stories to doctors and chemistry teachers?

Yeah, you think, but then you still do it.

And if you want to sing, it's going to fuck up your whole nasal cavity.

Really?

You didn't pay the bills?

What are you talking about?

You knew you were moving out, so you didn't pay the bills.

What?

What?

I paid the bills, P, to pay them like I pay them

every month because you're too lazy to do it.

Well, then why is our internet, cable, and landline out?

Who is the landline?

It's for faxing.

Emma, why are you moving out?

Do you honestly think that I am so childish that,

what, I would purposely sabotage your new bachelor bed?

Yeah, I think you'd think it's hilarious.

I bet she didn't pay the electric bill because you

thought it'd be funny if I bumped into shit in the dark.

I paid the goddamn electric bill.

I had nothing to do with this.

Hey, bro, I think your power's out.

Yeah, you fucking think?

They're fighting.

Do you like your company?

Don't waste your time, man.

It's not worth it.

Emma, why are you moving out?

Wait, wait, wait.

Emma's moving out?

That's what she said.

Well, ask her.

I never said I was moving out.

I did.

So you're moving out?

No, I said that Emma's moving out.

Why?

God, because we're getting a divorce.

I thought you wanted to wait until the end of brunch.

Oh, well, I guess someone let the cat out of the

fucking bag when he revealed I was moving out.

So you really didn't pay the electric bill?

No, I paid the fucking electric bill.

You guys know the power's out, right?

No.

Did I miss something?

Pete and Emma are getting a divorce.

Really?

Why?

Okay, you know what?

This is not how this was supposed to go down.

Yeah.

We wanted to wait until the end of brunch to tell

you, but we've just decided that it's what's right.

That's really vague.

Well, it's complicated, Lexi.

Marriage is complicated, you know that.

Well, so it's a mutual thing.

Yeah, it's not like one of us caught the other one cheating or anything.

This isn't happening.

No, you're not getting a divorce.

No, you'll still see us, okay?

But just not together.

Well, you know, maybe physically together, but not together together.

No, but what we don't want is people picking sides.

We really want to remain close friends with all of you.

Yeah, unless some of you feel very strongly about one of us over the other.

Tracy, for instance, if you want to stay in touch with Emma

and completely shut me out of your life, I'd understand.

No, Pete, I would never.

Just, you know, think about it.

We don't need to make a decision now.

So, does this mean brunch is over?

Do you want us to leave?

Shane, they just told us they're getting a divorce

and you're still thinking about Alpha Force?

Alpha Flight.

No, I honestly didn't know if they want us to leave because

I have a feeling it's about to get a little uncomfortable.

Oh, you have that feeling?

Which is exactly why I wanted to wait until after we ate to bring this up.

No, you know what?

He's right.

It is about to get uncomfortable.

But I'll be the one who's leaving.

Oh, hey, I think the power's out.

Shut the fuck up, Glenn.

I am so sorry.

I didn't mean that.

I'm under a lot of stress right now and I'm taking it out on you.

Glenn, you gotta jiggle the handle.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, did you suddenly want to talk in private now?

Emma, come on.

You can't leave.

How many times are we gonna have this conversation?

No, right now.

You can't leave right now.

Look, this is the last time we're all gonna be together like this.

The last of our famous couples brunches.

Pete, have you ever, in the last eight years... No, you know what?

Let's go farther back when we were dating.

So let's say 12 years.

Have you ever, in the last 12 years, truly...

looked forward to one of these couples brunches?

What do you mean, look forward to?

Look, Emma.

You didn't even pack any socks.

Well...

I'll buy more.

Where are you gonna go?

Doesn't matter.

Maybe, uh... No, she's not supposed to... That's not the point.

The point is that she... Or toothpaste.

No, get them at the same store where... Embers, wait!

Don't call me that.

Um...

Enjoy my quiche.

Ah!

Ah!

What?

Um... There's a...

There's a man.

A man?

He's wearing a hazmat suit.

It's Hal.

What?

Who's Hal?

He's our neighbor.

Does he always wear a hazmat suit?

What does Hal want?

I don't know.

Is there a reason to be afraid of Hal?

No, he's nice.

I mean, he doesn't mow his lawn enough, but I don't...

Can I suggest that maybe we let him in and then

we can find out what he wants from his mouth?

Pete?

Hey, Hal.

Emma?

Hey, Hal.

You guys having a party?

It's brunch.

Oh, that's cool.

I guess I missed my invite.

It's the couple's thing.

Oh.

Oh, okay.

So I invite you guys to all my game nights, my barbecues.

But since Linda left me, I guess I don't need to socialize anymore.

No, Hal.

We didn't... No.

We didn't ever intend it to... I mean... Hal.

Hal.

Why are you wearing a hazmat suit?

Are you kidding?

You really don't know what you're talking about?

No, you're wearing a hazmat suit.

You guys haven't heard?

Heard what?

That a bunch of dirty bombs were set off downtown?

Uh...

What's a dirty bomb, bro?

It's a radiological weapon.

It combines radioactive material and conventional explosives.

I'm sorry, is this like... Are you joking?

No.

I was watching the UT game and the news cut in.

You guys didn't notice that the power and

the cell phones and land lines all went out?

You just thought you forgot?

You forgot to pay your bill?

Wait, so how many bombs?

What was the blast radius?

Five or six.

It was right downtown.

It took out half the financial district, most of Messonnier Park.

Oh, I love that park.

God, I hope the taffy guy's okay.

That's like...

That's like 12 miles away.

Five or six... Yeah, then the national news cut in.

They said there were attacks on Los Angeles, New York, Orlando.

They're about to say more.

TV cut out.

Orlando?

Someone thinks Orlando's on par with New York and Los Angeles?

And did they say who did set them off?

I mean, were there any ships or...

Ships?

You know, were the attackers not of this earth?

Anyway, the radiation cloud is probably coming, so I would recommend that you guys

probably tape up your windows, close the air vents, put on your hazmat suits.

Who the fuck has a hazmat suit?

Yeah.

I have a hazmat suit.

Hal, if we're supposed to stay inside, then what are you doing here?

Batteries in my emergency flashlight died, so I was gonna see if you had any extras.

What kind of batteries?

D.

Batteries.

Why don't... what do you even use D batteries for?

Emergency flashlights.

Do you want to check?

We don't have any.

Yeah, no.

Okay, well, you guys enjoy your couples-only brunette?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I mean, you can't just leave us here like this.

Yeah, I can.

So that just happened.

What the fuck?

That was awesome.

What was that, dude?

It's finally going down.

It's gonna be fine.

I just need my Adderall.

Well, I guess I'm not going anywhere.

Okay.

All right.

We heard what he said.

Right?

We need to secure the house.

You don't actually believe that guy, do you?

I mean, he's probably just huffing some paint fumes

in his garage and making this up to screw with us.

No.

It makes sense.

It's invasion 101.

You cut off all lines of communication to keep the locals confused.

Radio, if this is for real, it'll be all over the radio.

What about the one my mom got us for Christmas?

No.

I sold that at a garage sale.

What?

Why?

Because we already have a clock by the bed and that one was really ugly.

When did we have a garage sale?

I had one when you were in Singapore for your convention.

You had a garage sale when I was out of town?

Yes, I did.

You keep everything.

You would never throw anything away.

Guys, do you have another radio?

Is there another radio besides that one?

How about some of us look for a radio and the rest

of us gather supplies so we can seal up the house?

And if some of us just want to chill, that's cool too.

Break.

I'll keep an eye on the window.

Okay.

I don't mean this.

This is ridiculous.

Oh, my God.

D batteries.

Oops.

You guys have enough rat poison down here to kill Chuck E.

Cheese.

What is the deal?

Costco is the deal.

Oh.

Oh.

No.

No.

No.

Oh, sweet.

Found a radio.

Check it out.

I don't think that's going to help out in our current situation.

We just focus on the task at hand.

What if a bunch of marauders come and we need to whack them with something?

Petty?

Petty?

God.

So much speckling tape.

Hey.

Hey.

It's going to be all right.

Hey.

Why didn't you tell me?

About what?

I don't know.

I'm out of the divorce.

Is this really the time to be having this conversation?

Hey.

How long have you known?

I don't know.

A couple of months.

A couple of months?

Yeah.

Well, divorce is complicated and it takes a lot of research.

You have to be legally separated.

You have to fill out all these forms.

There's just, there's a lot of bureaucratic bullshit.

So then you knew when we had our thing.

Yes.

Of course I did.

Nah.

That's cool.

Holy crap.

Are you disappointed?

No.

You're disappointed?

Uh.

What?

You get like more philandering points or something if the woman's happily married?

Not bad.

It's just less of a challenge.

It's like when you're bowling, they put the things on the gutter.

You're unbelievable.

Shane?

Hey.

I think you need to go and help Hetty out.

With what?

She's in shock.

I know.

We're all in shock, Tracy.

No, no, no.

Like shock.

Shock.

Like real shock.

Okay.

I'll be there in a minute.

I need to talk.

Wait.

What?

Why?

I don't know if your apathetic attitude is some sort of

coping mechanism due to the stress at hand, which is fine.

None of this shit is real.

Is anyone infected?

Infected with what?

With whatever's out there.

Well, we don't know what's out there.

And that's exactly what's scaring me.

I mean, how many times have you seen on the news that someone thought like a

weather balloon was a UFO or a bear was a giant Sasquatch?

I mean, just because.

The media reports something.

Doesn't make it true.

Don't even get me started on the supposed moon landing.

Have you seen any bite marks, scrapes?

No?

Uh... All right.

Well, just...

If you see anyone acting weird, you let me know.

Weirder than you're acting right now?

You might have to make some tough decisions.

Okay.

I'm gonna go check on Eddie.

Thanks.

I appreciate that.

God, I don't even know what we're looking for.

Duct tape.

Duct tape.

That's what I said.

Oh, yeah?

Say it again.

Duct tape.

Duct.

Duct.

Tape with a T.

It's for sealing ducts.

You just blew my mind.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe this is a hoax.

I hope it's a hoax.

But the wise thing to do is let's get a radio, find out for sure.

Whatever floats your boat.

Well, if that floats my boat.

Okay.

Well, I can't remember the last time I bought a radio.

Except for my car.

Hey, where are your car keys?

Huh?

Your keys.

Where are you going, Glenn?

Nowhere.

I just need your keys.

It's a flamingo keychain.

Well, there's two here.

It's the bluish one.

You know, Emma and I used to... There's blue on both of these.

Yeah, they're both through the same car, but this is hilarious.

I just...

Emma and I used to have this thing where we'd

stop by every photo booth and get pictures.

There's...

Hey.

Hey.

What's up?

I, uh, saw you talking to Glenn.

Yeah.

What do we know about that guy?

He's a teacher.

He likes scotch.

Can he be trusted?

With my car keys?

Yeah.

That's what I was trying to tell you.

We're gonna make a bet on the shit that goes down.

The shit?

Pete.

Things are gonna degrade very quickly.

The rules of society are gonna break down, and your life

is gonna be in the hands of the people you can trust.

Okay.

Do you have any weapons?

Weapons?

Guns.

Mace.

Crossbows.

Uh...

You know, I actually have some Chinese throwing

stars that my uncle brought back from Dallas.

Yeah.

Pretty sharp, so...

Oh, these are nice.

Alright.

Let's just keep this between us.

Okay.

You

know, I lost my virginity in a sob.

Yeah, this isn't a sob.

Just making conversation.

Where'd you lose your virginity, Glenn?

Oh, I love this song!

They make me go to the radio.

Let's see.

No user is connected.

Must be a satellite subscription.

Satellite?

Satellite radio.

200 commercial free channels for 15 bucks a month.

There's this new agey one I really like.

It's called the Chakra.

Oh, Glenn, where are you going?

Should I take off my belt?

We should go camping soon, dude.

We haven't been camping together in years.

I'm gonna organize it.

I'll set it up.

Cool.

I don't see anything.

Radiation's usually invisible.

No, no, no.

People.

I don't see anyone.

I don't even see dogs.

What kind of neighborhood doesn't have dogs?

Dogs don't usually roam around neighborhoods unless they're with people.

But squirrels.

I'm not seeing any squirrels.

I don't know.

I don't know, Shane.

Hey, where did you find those?

In the shoebox underneath the bed.

Oh.

So what do you want to do?

Like cut each strip in half?

Two pictures each?

No.

You can keep them.

You don't have a subscription to your satellite radio?

Yeah, we do.

No.

I let it lapse.

You did?

Yeah.

I've just been listening to my iPod.

And podcasting.

Hey, you only have satellite radio?

Yeah.

I paid extra for it.

You paid extra for less features.

That guy at Stereotown totally swindled me.

Yeah, well, I told you not to go to Stereotown.

Well, it's close.

You went to Stereotown?

How long would it take for a full-blown mutation to occur?

A mutation of what?

Human beings.

Never.

No, no, no.

Um...

No, no.

Mutation.

Mutation, mutation.

Okay, now you're just repeating the same word.

Nuclear mutation.

Assuming the debris was radioactive, exposure to the fallout would only cause

DNA mutations in inherited genes, so only children of those exposed would be

affected, in which case the deformities would be horrific.

But, no, they wouldn't be mutants.

No, I don't think you understand what I'm asking.

I'll just explain that anyway.

Well, you don't... You just have a choice between more genres.

You don't get a... No, but I get... Hey, duct tape.

Did you say duct tape or duck tape?

What?

Duct tape.

With a T?

Yeah.

Holy shit.

I'm not the only person that doesn't know this.

Hey, everyone focus up here, all right?

No dice on the radio.

So I think that we should seal up all the cracks in the house.

No outside air should get in at all.

Right, Hetty?

Well, there's only one rule.

One man job.

Oh, I'll do it.

Good man, Glenzo.

We should close up all the air vents, too.

Yeah, I was just about to say that.

Buck, you mind taking care of that?

You're the tallest.

I'm on it, boss.

Guess what?

Everyone, I have a surprise.

Come with me.

No, guys, I'm actually serious.

I found something.

Come on.

Right here.

Pete, focus.

Okay.

All right.

Close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

No peeking.

No.

Are you ready?

Yes.

Drum roll, please.

No.

Ta-da!

Oh, my God.

I forgot about that.

A monkey?

No, no, no.

It's a radio.

I just... It hit me.

I remembered singing in the shower here to Louie Louie once.

Nice sense memory.

Gracias.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What did you just say?

Gracias.

No.

You said you remember singing in the shower here to Louie Louie once.

Yeah.

When?

What?

When did you take a shower here?

It was a long time ago?

No, no, I'm sorry.

Let me rephrase the question, Lexi.

Why did you take a shower here?

Pete, you want to help Lexi out with this question?

Okay, guys, we cannot turn on each other right now.

That's exactly what the enemy wants.

I'm in agreement.

What's everybody doing?

Oh, is that a radio?

Have you tried it?

Not yet.

Why not?

Because I just found out that my husband is fucking my best friend.

Best friend?

I don't know.

Okay, well, let's put a pin in that for now.

Why don't we?

And find out if this works and if we're going to live or die.

Oh, thank God it works.

Oh, my God.

Shh.

Please stay in your homes as first responders address the areas within the

initial blast zones.

This is real.

Tracy, you're a first responder.

Shouldn't you go?

I'm not on call today.

Okay.

Bye.

We need to get the fuck out of here.

What part of stay in your homes do you not understand?

This isn't my home.

Okay, we can take up the semantics of possessive pronouns like next week.

Okay, first of all, we don't even know if that

signal was from our side and four to five days.

Do you know how long that is?

Yes.

If we stay in here for four to five days, we are giving everyone else a head start

to go out and form motor school gangs, loot and

pillage of the good canned goods and shotguns.

And then we're going to go out there and all we're

going to find is refried beans and motor scooters.

I liked motor school.

Shut up.

Wait!

Can I have some scotch?

I don't know.

Absolutely.

How do you help yourself?

Okay.

We need to make a plan.

A plan?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Me and you.

That's all that matters right now.

I mean, Tracy could be an asset because she's a

doctor and maybe Buck knows how to work a rifle.

But then again, I don't know if that's just some

mental association I'm making because his name is Buck.

Do you have a rifle?

No.

No.

We're going to get one.

There's a guns and ammo store down at Duval Street right by the TCBY.

Oh, yeah.

I love that place.

I know.

I know.

It's great.

Right now, we need to make a break for the day.

I need to go to the car and hightail it out of here.

My uncle has that cabin.

I'm gonna go get a drink.

That's my plan.

Drink plenty of water.

Get as much water as you can, babe.

All right?

Oh God.

Hey.

Who's up and at them?

Just closing up the vents so we don't die.

You know, I actually used to work at an air convention.

We're at the finishing place in high school, and

get this, the guy who ran the place was named A.C.

A.C.

ran an A.C.

shop.

Do you think that when we die we have to wear

the clothes we died in for all of eternity?

No way.

I bet we get those kickin' white robes like you see in the old cartoons.

I look awful in white.

Maybe Emma would let me borrow some sweats.

I bet you get a sweet-ass harp, too.

Hmm.

Do you have any idea how many human beings are estimated

to have lived and died on Earth throughout all of time?

I have absolutely no idea.

106 billion.

Wow.

Yeah, so what you're saying is that when we die we're going to a place where 106

billion people are sitting around playing the harp.

That would be really fucking annoying.

Well, I don't know.

Maybe heaven is what you make it in your mind.

No.

Can I come in?

No.

I want to talk about this.

I don't.

Please, can I come in?

No.

It didn't mean anything, Emmers.

I told you not to call me that.

It happened after we'd already decided to go through with the divorce.

I thought it was over.

It is over.

And it doesn't make it okay.

I can't see anything.

It's probably helicopters.

Yeah, but are they ours or theirs?

We still don't even know who they is.

They are?

They is.

You know what?

They are.

Fuck this.

I'm going to get out of here.

I'm going to take a little nap.

No, no, no.

Shane.

No.

You guys.

No.

No.

I got him.

It was you.

It's out there.

Help.

The period has to be killed to catch Shane.

And in this case the cat died a slow and painful death from radiation poisoning.

Jenny.

They are important.

Oh shit.

They look terrible.

I like Jenny's jacket though.

Hey Jenny.

I like your jacket.

Thanks.

Hey, could you guys let us in?

What's going on out there?

It's bad.

It's real bad.

Can you be more specific?

I've seen things.

Could you maybe name one thing?

Look, Gordon isn't doing so well.

Do you think you could let us in please?

Um.

Actually we can't because we already duct taped the door.

Well can't you just re-tape it?

But if we let you guys in you'll infect us all.

So I'm a doctor.

I don't make this shit up.

We're not going to last out here.

Well.

Maybe you should learn to show up to things on time.

Huh?

Is that what this is about?

Every brunch, Jenny.

Every brunch.

It's just really inconsiderate.

We really tried to make it here on time.

No you didn't.

You didn't think about punctuality or how it affects other people's lives.

Some people make dishes that are hot and meant to

be served at the designated eating time agreed upon.

You're just so mad about that thing with Claudio, aren't you?

Let's not rehash old wounds, Jenny.

You've got much bigger problems now.

It was New Year's Eve, Tracy.

It just happened.

Who's Claudio?

Open the door, Tracy.

Okay, bye now.

Tracy!

That was some cold shit, Tracy.

Yeah.

Was it?

I thought it was kind of harsh.

No.

It's us or them.

And judging by their rapid cellular deterioration, the

toxicity level must be pretty dense and fast acting.

But radiation usually takes weeks to... It's not radiation.

The emergency broadcast said BX.

As in BX nerve gas.

As in the most toxic chemical weapon ever synthesized.

That's not good.

Is it?

No.

It's not good.

Holy shit.

That's the stuff from the rock.

Well, babe, what does this mean for us?

It means we're all going to be dead in like three hours.

What did I miss?

Okay.

Jesus.

How many times have we been in this position?

Terrorist attack?

We don't know it's terrorists.

Yeah.

Well, I'll take you over on that one.

I mean literally, how many times have we been in this position?

Locked in some place, you mean leaning against

the door trying to get you to let me in.

I had a nickel, right?

Pete, there's something I need to tell you.

What?

I...

Ooh.

Hey!

Hey!

Is it cool if I finish this off?

Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

Oh, one more thing.

It's not radiation, it's a chemical weapon.

And Hedy's pretty sure we're all going to be dead in a few hours.

Just FYI.

What did she just say?

Hey there, stranger.

Hey, Lexi.

Um, if you don't mind, I just wanted to get a little alone time, if that's okay?

Well, Glenn, if wishes were horses, it'd be Christmas every day.

Hedy's right.

We should probably live these last few moments on Earth to the fullest, am I right?

So you believe her now?

No, either way, I say we get nuts.

Knock, knock.

Oh, hi!

Oh, hi!

What's going on in here?

Nothing.

I was leaving.

I was taking off.

No, no, no, no.

Glenn, stay.

No, no, no.

You probably want to be alone.

Oh, no, I insist.

Alright, I was... Have a seat, buddy.

Okay, I had just come in for a little alone time.

Thanks, honey.

Oh, a little alone time.

Yeah, yeah.

Lexi just walked in.

She just came in.

I was in here trying to clear my head.

What is Tracy up to?

What's she doing down there?

Glenn, you ever been married?

Uh, no, I have not.

How old are you?

Uh, well, my license says 42, but I've been...

Do you know why most marriages in this country end in divorce, Glenn?

Uh, there's a number of reasons... Because of inequalities within the marriage.

That's, I'm sure, one of the reasons...

One spouse has more money, or more friends, or one spouse has amorous

feelings for someone outside the marriage.

Well, that's when it becomes important for the couple to communicate, I think,

you know, because that's the key to a good relationship.

But, Glenn, Lexi and I are the poster children for the... The perfect marriage.

Oh, thanks.

You don't have to tell me that.

And do you know why?

I see the love in your hearts.

And do you know why, Glenn?

You love each other.

You're so forgiving.

Because we share.

We share everything.

We split everything.

Let's...

50-50.

Right up the middle.

Well... Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no.

No, no, no!

No!

Absolutely not!

Absolutely not!

No!

No!

Absolutely not!

So rude!

So rude!

Oh, babe!

I was too aggressive.

No, honey!

I was too aggressive.

I know.

We're gonna get it right.

We're gonna get it right.

Who has access to VX gas?

The Iranians.

But why would the Iranians want to mess with the United States?

Who gives a shit, Shane?

Can't open up for me.

You don't want to know who did this to us?

Does it matter?

It matters to me.

If I want to be murdered, I'd like to know by whom out of common courtesy.

It's the landline.

You think I'm better?

The phone line's supposed to be on.

Hello?

Hi, may I speak to Pete Mandrake?

Uh, uh, who is this?

This is John with Liberty Financial.

What?

I'm calling with an exclusive one-time offer.

It's John from Liberty Financial.

Yeah, I might be interested, but where are you calling from?

I'm calling from the Liberty Financial call center.

What the fuck is going on out there?

I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Where are you calling from?

Manila.

Manila, Philippines?

Yes.

Do you not know what's going on out there?

What do you mean?

Isn't this on TV over there?

Our television is not on.

Turn the TV on.

Hey, Mikey.

Mikey.

They have a television.

Open the TV.

This guy says something on.

Do you want to go in the golem?

Just turn it on, man.

Whoa, holy shit.

What is it?

Holy shit, man.

Is that the Golden Gate Bridge?

What happened to the Golden Gate Bridge?

It's at the Bay Bridge.

I get the... What happened to either bridge?

Oh, man, this is fucked up.

What does it look like?

It looks like they... Hello?

Hello?

Nothing.

Telemarketers call at the work time.

Oh, hey.

Do you want me to leave?

No, I don't give a fuck.

What are you doing in here, Glenn?

Just hanging out, trying to get a little peace of mind.

What are you doing in here?

Peeing.

Right.

Right.

Guess I don't have to flush.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm going out.

I'm going out riding a snake.

Oh, I see.

You found music.

Actually, I think it's, um... automated.

No, I believe this is Beethoven.

How are you holding up?

You know, I never went to Europe.

Never.

Not once.

I never even went to Montreal, which I hear is very European.

I never went scuba diving.

I never went to the ballet.

I've never been in love.

I've never even watched The Wire!

All of those things are overrated.

Except for The Wire, that's really good.

The last season's not that good, but...

Montreal?

Come on.

I mean, think of all the good things you've done.

Like what?

Waste countless Sundays at these...

stupid fucking couples' brunches?

How about the countless lives you've saved?

The people you've helped?

The lives you've improved?

The hope you gave people?

Yeah, well...

Yeah, there is that.

I'm gonna go get that wine that we brought, and I'm gonna open it,

and we're gonna drink it, and we're gonna

light some candles, and we're just going to...

relax.

Okay?

Yeah, that's... okay.

Okay, good.

And don't think about all the stuff you didn't do, alright?

Hey, babe.

Hi.

What are you doing?

I, uh, making dessert.

Luckily, the stove runs on gas.

Can you pass me that decongestant right there?

Thank you.

Are you making meth?

No.

That would take far too long, and I'd need many more ingredients, but, um,

this is more like a poor man's ecstasy.

The world's about to end, and you're gonna do ecstasy?

Is there a better time?

Hattie, we don't even know who did this to us.

We don't know if it was the North Koreans, we don't

know what happened in San Francisco or Chicago.

Do you know why we never set a date?

For the wedding?

It's because you worry about everything.

You second-guess everything.

I mean, I love you.

I do.

I care about you so deeply.

But the thought of planning a major event with you?

That makes me want to claw my fucking eyes out.

And look at you now.

I mean, we're gonna die.

Like, we're gonna die soon.

And you're worried about Koreans.

Well, what do you suggest I do?

I would, you know, suggest that we have a little fun.

I mean, remember that one time when we went to Cancun and we

found the midget with the marijuana and we got all freaky?

Okay, babe.

We are not in Cancun.

We're in the middle of World War III.

Then I think it's only fair I tell you that this whole end-of-the-world thing has

really got me reexamining our relationship and frankly, I'm out.

Out of what?

I'm done with us.

You're done?

Yep.

The wedding's off.

You know what?

You can't cancel a wedding if you didn't set a date.

Watch me.

Enjoy your drugs.

Do you think we'll be angels in heaven?

Hell, yeah.

Heaven, yeah, we will.

Do you think there's an angel band?

I know there is.

And we're gonna be a part of it.

Because guess what they need?

What?

A clock in your house.

What happened to us?

I don't know.

We were so good.

Craved?

Yeah.

Couple's brunch?

What about it?

I mean, you were always so excited about them.

You know?

Making sure the right people came.

Trying all kinds of new cheese and wine.

I didn't care.

I mean, I didn't want any part in the planning.

I barely even wanted to show up.

And that's...

That's our marriage right there.

Yeah.

I mean, you were always trying new things.

Rock climbing.

Painting.

Knitting.

Crocheting.

See?

Crocheting.

I just coasted along.

I just got...

wrapped up in what I was doing.

And I'm sorry.

I appreciate that.

But...

I mean, I organize because I don't trust anyone else to do it.

And I do all those other things because...

I'm looking for something that I like.

Some version of me, I guess, that I like.

You know?

For the record, I...

I'm like the first version of you.

Yeah, I know.

But maybe that's part of the problem.

I mean, we got married so young, Pete.

And we were together all the time.

Which was... And it was so good for so long.

But...

I guess, like, I don't even know a me that has...

That's different from us.

Because it's just been Pete and Emma this and Pete and Emma that.

And...

And then there was just Emma.

And I...

Needed to figure that out.

And in retrospect...

Possibly filing for a divorce was...

A drastic way to do that.

And I'm sorry.

You kept one.

Yeah.

What do you say?

We'll get back together...

In the last couple hours of our existence.

So...

Like an agreement?

Yeah.

Like an agreement.

Okay.

So...

What did you need to tell me?

What?

When Tracy came in... You said there was something you needed to tell me.

What is there?

Madame?

Do you have anything else?

Oh.

There.

Madame, I assure you, this vintage is fantastic.

And the...

Last year, I think they're making this.

Then... Cheers.

Wow.

You and me, huh?

Yeah.

Madame, what could have happened?

I think we would have dated for about a year.

And then gotten married.

Oh, fast.

Well, I mean, it felt right.

You know, and we had a very nice wedding.

Nothing too fancy, but a destination wedding.

Oh, yeah.

Hawaii.

Kauai, to be exact.

Kauai.

And then we had kids.

Lots of kids.

Lots of kids.

Lots of kids.

Lots of kids.

Seven kids.

Seven.

We had seven kids.

Damn.

Damn.

They all went to Ivy League schools.

Of course.

How about that?

On scholarship.

On scholarship.

Because the boys were...

You took them to space camp, so they became astronauts.

Yep.

The girls became...

Senators?

To a...

Good...

Life.

Where's Buck?

Uh...

He's upstairs.

Sorry.

Oh, hello, cute.

Uh, not first.

I really like being alive, honey.

Oh, no.

But it's gonna be even better when we're in heaven.

Trust me.

What if we come back as animals?

Hmm.

Then I will come back as a starfish.

Come on.

Hey.

We're done if you guys need the room.

Oh, hey, guys.

But we'll go again if you guys want in.

Put some clothes on.

Why bother, man?

Let's go out the way we came in.

Put some goddamn clothes on before I punch you in the face.

Okay.

Okay.

What is the bee in your bonnet?

You know he and Emma slept together?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's right.

What?

Wait.

What?

I knew about it before it happened.

I gave him the thumbs up.

I texted him while we were making out.

Hey, drunkenly, let's remember that.

That's sweet.

He gave me the thumbs up.

We always give each other the thumbs up.

So you knew about me and Lexi?

Yeah.

It was my idea.

Your idea?

Yeah, dude.

I felt bad because your wife cheated on you.

My wife was cheating on me with you, Buck.

That's not true.

With you.

That's not true.

Dude, cheating is cheating.

It doesn't make a difference if it was me.

So that's why you slept with Pete?

We thought it would help with peace of mind.

You know, if he ever found out.

Oh, God.

No, no, no.

Everything is fine.

Get over him.

Get over him.

Oh, God.

It's time to leave.

Get off me.

Get off me.

Is this my clothes?

Yes.

We should have a dance party.

No, no, no.

Get off me.

Oh, are we friends?

Yes.

I remember too.

What the hell?

Mom, please.

Bye.

Everyone out.

Oh, shit.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

You know what?

I'm going to go set up the glockenspiel so we can have our dance party.

I'm going to go find the duct tape so we can seal up this door.

Okay?

And Pete?

Sorry, I broke your window, man.

It's okay, buddy.

It's okay.

I love you.

Me, too.

Emma, I never meant to... It's okay.

Really?

No, no, no.

Yeah.

I never meant to.

It's okay.

Really.

I swear, if I ever run around with your husband again,

whether it's Pete or some new guy, I will give you a heads-up.

I appreciate that.

Hey, look, I...

You made a mistake.

And I made a mistake.

Can we just... You wanna dance?

Yeah.

Yeah?

I do.

But not, like, right here.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

One, two, three, four!

Then I'm walking out strong as love And I'm so strung out

I'm high as a kite, I'm just nice Strung to check you out!

Then the guy starts throwing them at me, and there's a whole bowl of these mints,

and I'm running out, and I'm saying to him, like, excuse

me, try and still be nice, but those aren't my pants.

They're not... I mean, what am I...

So bad.

Well...

Hey, what the fuck?

Why aren't you dancing?

What?

Why aren't you dancing?

Put them fingers down and come yes now!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Alright, give me a second.

Guys,

I think I see a broom of smoke in the distance.

Then I'm walking out strong as love And I'm so strung out I'm high as a kite!

There is a house in New Orleans They call the rising sun And

it's been the room of many a poor boy And God, I know I'm...

Let's take a nap!

Shut up!

Now, if you guys want to sing kumbaya as the world's about to end, then be my guest.

But I'm not gonna just sit in here and lay down like a dog.

Not the way I see it.

We have an hour, maybe two, before the air runs out.

So if we're gonna make a move, it's gotta be right now.

But what move is that?

I'm taking the SUV and I'm getting out of here.

Where are you gonna go?

I don't know.

Is that my bank account?

Yeah.

But if I roll up the windows, kill the A .C., it'll give me some time.

Not long, but maybe enough time to find something.

Anything.

And it might be a fool's errand.

But I'm not gonna regret it.

Because I'll know that if I die, at least I died trying.

Now, who's with me?

Good?

Okay, everybody take calm, short breaths to conserve air.

And keep the talking to a minimum.

Starting now.

Are we ready?

Here we go.

Say, Glenn, when you checked my radio earlier,

did you remember to turn the car off after?

Lexi, Lexi was in here.

And listening to music.

Lexi.

We were in here too!

Oh my gosh.

I know I'm new to the group, but I think we should

set the table and eat like we were supposed to.

You know, I think we should eat and drink and swap stories.

You know, and enjoy couples brunch.

The way we were meant to.

I could be down for that.

It would be a shame to see my quiche go to waste.

Well, then let's do it.

Is your quiche vegan?

Yes.

How about you, Shane?

You hungry?

Nah, I'm good.

Come on, Shane.

When the North Koreans come and they take you away to some makeshift camp,

they're probably not gonna feed you anything more than gruel for like days.

North Korean food does suck.

Okay, okay.

Well, great, right?

Okay, good.

Let's do this.

I'm gonna go grab some wine.

Yeah?

Okay.

Okay, I got one.

Something I never told anyone.

When I used to work at that pizza place in

college, I used to take money from the register.

Wow, really?

Yep.

Why?

So I could steal it, Pete.

Why do you think?

Granted, but how much did you take?

Probably just like three grand.

Just like three grand?

I'm impressed.

Thank you.

Okay, I've got one of yours.

This is something I've never told anyone.

I fucking love you.

This is something I love, actually.

I'm serious.

I watch it every Christmas.

That's a great movie.

I'm not anymore.

I'm free now.

You worked through it.

I'm proud of you.

I think I killed somebody.

This one night I was driving home and this

homeless guy just stepped right out in front of me.

Bam.

And I just took off.

Well, I'm sure there was nothing you could have done.

I know there was.

He was still breathing when I left.

Glenn?

I'll be up in a minute.

Glenn, what are you doing down here?

Everybody...

Tracy, are you familiar with the Rapture?

The band?

Or the Blondie song?

The prophecies in the Book of Revelations.

I don't like where this is going.

At the end of times, all true believers who are alive before Armageddon,

which is the final battle of the apocalypse, which...

has clearly started, will be taken by God from Earth to Heaven.

All the non-believers will be forced to walk a hell on Earth for a seven-year

period of tribulations in which they will sit in judgment.

I fear for all of you.

I love you.

Tracy.

And I love your friends.

I have huge love for them.

And I want to help with their judgment.

Tracy.

I...

would like to ask you to sit beside me at the marriage supper of the Lamb.

Oh.

Man.

Easy!

All right!

Yeah.

He's crazy.

Who's crazy?

He's crazy.

Glenn.

I think he's really cool.

No.

No.

No.

He's certifiable.

Like he belongs in a tiny little padded room with one tiny little window.

Hey.

I found some wine.

Great.

Perfect timing.

And I'm sure, Tracy, that you are probably just thinking one

thing about that person and blowing it out of proportion.

No.

No.

No.

I'm not.

I'm not.

You always think that I am, but I never am.

I never am.

I know you think that I'm some sad, pathetic character from a Kathy cartoon or

a sitcom that Brooke Shields would have been in, but it's true.

It's always true.

He poisoned your wine, by the way.

What?

He did what?

Guilty as charged.

What the fuck?

Glenn, you're a guest in this house.

That is not fucking cool, dude.

Okay, everybody, calm down.

You calm down.

I am calm, Shane.

I'm extremely calm.

We can see that, Glenn.

What's in this?

Well, I crushed up about 40 sleeping pills and 30 muscle

relaxants and then I put in a good heaping amount of rat poison.

Are you trying to kill us?

Yes, Hetty.

I'm trying to kill you.

Oh, well then, that would do the trick.

What were you thinking, Glenn?

That Jesus Christ, sorry, is gonna put us all on trial?

You're paraphrasing.

She's paraphrasing.

Okay, my bad, my bad.

Let me rephrase that.

Johnny Crazy Balls over here is gonna save us all from seeing Armageddon.

That movie was awesome, so that is what is going to happen?

Okay, let me rephrase that, please.

This is very serious.

Every one of you sitting at this table will sit before Saint Peter as he judges

you to see whether you gain entrance into heaven.

Now, I am going to heaven.

That is a fact.

I desperately want you all to join me there.

If you drink this wine, you stand a far greater

chance of spending the rest of eternity in heaven.

Wow, you were right.

You see?

You see?

Do you see?

Is this shit in the Bible, or are you making this up?

No one knows the days or hours, not even the angels in heaven.

Matthew 24, 36.

Let's see.

Yes.

You see, Buck, I teach this for a living, so I know what I'm talking about.

I thought you said you teach history.

Because I do teach history.

I teach Bible history.

That is history.

You didn't put that in your internet profile now, did you?

I thought you meant at a grocery store.

Guys, I don't want to be the one to say this, but

I think Glenn might actually be onto something.

What?

Have you gone fucking insane too?

No offense.

Purely from a biological standpoint, when the nerve gas slips into the house,

and it will eventually slip into the house, we are all

going to go through a very long and a very painful...

ordeal.

Ordeal?

What do you mean, ordeal?

That sounds ominous.

I don't like ominous.

Gates, please.

Yeah.

Okay, uh, well...

You might start with blurry vision and a headache.

Move quickly to nausea, intense vomiting, and diarrhea.

That would be followed by copious sweating, involuntary muscle twitching,

and then there's the blindness, dyspnea, and seizures.

The initial violent contractions will turn into sustained supercontractions,

which results in the paralysis of all the muscles in your body, and ultimately it's

the paralysis of the diaphragm muscle that leads to death by asphyxiation.

If we're lucky, we could lose consciousness before some of that.

If we're lucky.

So...

Well, I'm in.

Till death do us part.

Seriously?

We're just gonna go all Jonestown on this?

Did you not just hear that laundry list she just rattled off?

I don't even know what a dysnepsis is.

I don't fucking want it.

It's gonna be a lot less painful to drink the wine.

Yes.

Well, it might be better than me falling into enemy hands given my knowledge of

American pop culture and the industrial military complex, but...

do you have any white?

I'm sorry.

If this is gonna be my last drink on earth, I just don't really care for Merlot.

Can I jump in?

When I was down there and I had some of the wine before I

put all the stuff in it and, um, it's pretty good Merlot.

It really is.

I'm sure it is, but still, I just... Shane, will you just drink the fucking red wine?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I mean, it kind of makes sense, but can we all

agree that I'm right, that he's fucking crazy?

Oh, yeah.

Daily notice.

Well, can I tell you someone else who was considered

the F-word crazy was Saul of Tarsus, so...

What do you think?

No.

No?

No.

What if a SWAT team comes bursting through

the door at the last minute to save our lives?

What if this vegan stew has some sort of immunity

to the chemical and we're all going to be just fine?

What if... what if we survive?

I mean, is that completely out of the question here?

I just don't want to lose hope.

You're right.

I'm with you.

Oh, you guys are so sweet.

So have fun shitting blood and let's do this.

I don't know.

I mean, I kind of want to do it if everybody else is going to do it,

but then maybe I should stay with Pete and Emma.

I...

Never mind.

I don't know what we were thinking.

No, no, no.

We're with you guys.

We're in.

Okay.

I will see you all at the pearly gates.

I'm Jewish, by the way.

What?

Okay, um, let me take the moment to say thank you all for coming today.

Yeah, thanks, guys.

Everyone's been a really great friend and honestly,

this is the best one of these things we've ever had.

Oh, no, please, no.

Don't.

So, how should we go about this?

On three?

On three, or Rochambeau style, like one, two, three, go?

We'll just do one, two, three, go, drink.

Not saying drink, just say the word one, two, three, go, and then we'll drink.

Perfect.

Glenn Zell?

You want me to say it?

It's your gig, bro.

Thank you, bud.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

One, two...

Wait, quick question, sorry.

Um, is it okay to take one sip, or do we have to chug the whole thing?

I would chug it.

It's better safe than sorry.

Chug.

Okay, sorry.

Continue.

I'm gonna start over again.

I'm not gonna continue from there.

I think it would be confusing.

From one?

From one.

One, two, three, go.

Okay, seriously, what's the deal?

I was waiting to see if everybody else did it.

I was doing the same thing.

We were too.

Okay, let's do this for real.

Let's really do this, okay?

Why didn't you drink this last time?

Because I suspected that was gonna happen, and I was right.

So...

Okay.

Are we doing this or what?

Are we doing this or what?

Are

we doing this or what?

Okay.

I think you're gonna try to stop me.

You're watching, right?

You're gonna try to stop me, right?

Okay, I'll try harder.

I'll try harder.

Oh really?

You try harder and more.

I'll try harder, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

It's a disaster baby, I know things have been tough

lately and we know there's no reason for a suicide.

It's a disaster baby, I know that I drive you crazy, the winds and the rain,

so I just want you to stay.

Things are looking up and I'm feeling...