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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,625 --> 00:00:04,421 [bright music] 2 00:00:13,555 --> 00:00:14,930 [playful music] 3 00:00:14,931 --> 00:00:16,265 [Rodd]. Hello. Hello. 4 00:00:16,266 --> 00:00:17,808 So I'm clearing out the crawlspace. 5 00:00:17,809 --> 00:00:19,268 Come across some shit from when you guys were kids 6 00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:21,021 You can fight about the memories. 7 00:00:21,146 --> 00:00:23,356 [gasps] Awwww. 8 00:00:23,481 --> 00:00:25,358 Holy shit. Okay. 9 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:27,568 Why in the hell did you and mom let me cut my own hair? 10 00:00:27,569 --> 00:00:28,944 Hey, you were dumb enough to ask, 11 00:00:28,945 --> 00:00:29,903 you were dumb enough to learn. 12 00:00:29,904 --> 00:00:32,365 Lookie here. We have early signs of talent. 13 00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:33,657 [Todd chuckling] 14 00:00:33,658 --> 00:00:35,159 Oh, that was grade six. You remember grade six, Todd? 15 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:36,160 [Todd]. Barely. 16 00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:37,202 Shitting on my head. 17 00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:38,245 You did this in grade six? 18 00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:40,622 It was a, it was a group project, I think. 19 00:00:40,623 --> 00:00:42,624 Most of the stuff in here would get a teacher fired today. 20 00:00:42,625 --> 00:00:43,959 No doubt. 21 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,378 "Todd is inattentive. 22 00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,671 "He would have more friends if he stopped picking his scrotum 23 00:00:47,672 --> 00:00:48,630 "and sniffing markers." 24 00:00:48,631 --> 00:00:49,673 [everyone laughing] 25 00:00:49,674 --> 00:00:50,799 Well at least it's not the other way around. 26 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,134 Oh, look at this one. "Self-driven, 27 00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:53,469 "independent thinker. 28 00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:54,596 "A pleasure to teach. 29 00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:57,097 "The world needs more Audreys." 30 00:00:57,098 --> 00:00:58,599 Aren't you perfect? 31 00:00:58,600 --> 00:00:59,933 Born a winner, baby. 32 00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:02,729 Oh. Yeah, Mr. Byrd did not like you. 33 00:01:02,854 --> 00:01:03,904 Fucking prick. 34 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:06,315 I hate that guy. 35 00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:08,651 [Todd]. Ah, hot damn. 36 00:01:08,652 --> 00:01:09,818 Ms. Walton. 37 00:01:09,819 --> 00:01:10,819 Ooh. - [Rodd] Oh, here we go. 38 00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:12,279 That was your teacher crush. 39 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:13,614 Crush of all crushes. - [Audrey] I know. 40 00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:14,990 Oh my god. Those tight short skirts 41 00:01:14,991 --> 00:01:16,450 and those long legs? 42 00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:18,661 To this day I still can't walk past a pantyhose aisle 43 00:01:18,662 --> 00:01:19,802 without getting dizzy. 44 00:01:19,803 --> 00:01:21,830 "Todd's not reaching his full potential. 45 00:01:21,831 --> 00:01:24,834 "Struggles with focus. Easily overwhelmed?" 46 00:01:25,710 --> 00:01:27,504 Was I good at anything? 47 00:01:28,004 --> 00:01:29,089 You could run fast. 48 00:01:29,090 --> 00:01:30,255 Help yourself, Dad. 49 00:01:30,256 --> 00:01:31,840 Hey, I'm retired. 50 00:01:31,841 --> 00:01:33,550 "Tends to panic during presentations. 51 00:01:33,551 --> 00:01:34,635 "Needs to work on this, 52 00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:37,097 "especially after the spelling bee incident." 53 00:01:37,222 --> 00:01:38,347 Fuck sakes. 54 00:01:38,348 --> 00:01:39,348 What was the spelling bee incident? 55 00:01:39,349 --> 00:01:41,101 It was nothing. - It was something. 56 00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:43,519 They gave the poor kid the word bologna. 57 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,354 He froze up. He went white as drywall 58 00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:47,648 and crumbled like a cheap sawhorse, didn't ya? 59 00:01:47,649 --> 00:01:49,525 Bologna? It's not even a hard word. 60 00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:50,610 I could spell it now. 61 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:51,610 I was twelve. 62 00:01:51,611 --> 00:01:52,945 Oh yeah? Okay. Spell it. 63 00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:53,988 Bologna. 64 00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:55,322 B-A... 65 00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:56,323 EH! Already wrong. - It's O. B-O. 66 00:01:56,324 --> 00:01:57,491 It's B-O. 67 00:01:57,492 --> 00:01:59,034 Oh, I hate that word! - [Rodd] It's a big word. 68 00:01:59,035 --> 00:02:00,119 Ooh, look at this one. 69 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,704 "A born leader. 70 00:02:01,705 --> 00:02:04,039 "Audrey could be Prime Minister." 71 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:05,874 Damn! I peaked early. 72 00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:07,251 [Todd]. Oh, you peaked all right. 73 00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:08,544 Peaked sniffing teachers asses 74 00:02:08,545 --> 00:02:10,254 and polishing apples for extra credit. 75 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,172 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. This is all ancient history. 76 00:02:12,173 --> 00:02:13,173 Come on! 77 00:02:13,174 --> 00:02:14,591 Who wants to peak at eleven anyway? 78 00:02:14,592 --> 00:02:17,678 Hey now. Well, you gotta peak some time. Right Toddy? 79 00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:18,721 Don't worry. There's still hope. 80 00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:19,722 You're not that old. 81 00:02:19,723 --> 00:02:21,223 You're so fucking funny, Auds. 82 00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:23,559 [Audrey chuckling] 83 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:26,980 [soft Blues music] 84 00:02:26,981 --> 00:02:29,106 I always thought Ms. Walton was just a flirty lady 85 00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:31,400 who bathed in perfume but now I'm like holy shit, 86 00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:33,068 maybe she actually saw something in me. 87 00:02:33,069 --> 00:02:35,904 Or maybe she wanted fewer parent/teacher meetings. 88 00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:37,405 Well it's kind of wild, right? 89 00:02:37,406 --> 00:02:39,950 I mean, a year ago I was folding jeans at Jean Machine 90 00:02:39,951 --> 00:02:42,077 and now I got a stiletto hammer, 91 00:02:42,078 --> 00:02:44,747 I got apprentices asking me where the good gloves are. 92 00:02:44,748 --> 00:02:46,457 I mean, maybe I'm actually becoming the person 93 00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:47,583 she thought I could be. 94 00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:50,085 Ms. Walton probably still thinks I'm a dumbass. 95 00:02:50,086 --> 00:02:52,838 I bet she tells that fucking spelling bee story all the time. 96 00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:53,922 If she's still alive. 97 00:02:53,923 --> 00:02:54,973 [clattering] 98 00:02:54,974 --> 00:02:57,301 Ever heard of cutting it in half there, dick brain? 99 00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:58,510 Then I'd have to chew twice. 100 00:02:58,511 --> 00:03:01,096 Like why make more work for myself? 101 00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:04,099 Todd. Uh, earplugs, please. 102 00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:06,186 Oh shit. - Let's go. 103 00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:08,062 [Todd]. What's up? 104 00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:10,606 There's been a mercury spill in the river. 105 00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:11,982 Was it us? - I don't know yet 106 00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:14,485 but it's a reminder to produce that community outreach video. 107 00:03:14,486 --> 00:03:16,696 Conch Cares? - Conch Cares. 108 00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:20,449 CornPulse just released a promo called "CornPulse Connects" 109 00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:21,950 and we're getting slaughtered in the PR game. 110 00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:23,077 I don't really know much about making videos. 111 00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:24,371 Do I have to be on camera? 112 00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:25,996 No, you just need to assemble the right people. 113 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:27,956 You're good at organizing chaos. 114 00:03:27,957 --> 00:03:29,124 It's not really my field of experience. 115 00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:30,543 I'll do it! 116 00:03:30,669 --> 00:03:32,959 Oh yeah. I was head of the AV Club in high school. 117 00:03:33,081 --> 00:03:35,130 She asked me to do it. 118 00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:36,298 I'll do it. - Oh shit. One second. 119 00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:38,467 Todd, I'm the only person that you know 120 00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:39,635 who can make a video like that. 121 00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:41,178 Okay, but you have actual work to do. 122 00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:42,179 What about that? 123 00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:43,806 So change of plans. 124 00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:45,265 Todd, you're with me. 125 00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:47,768 Just got word that the Mercury could be us 126 00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:49,019 so we need to address the media. 127 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:49,937 Huh? 128 00:03:49,938 --> 00:03:51,146 Isn't that a Head Office problem? 129 00:03:51,147 --> 00:03:53,065 No. It's an Imperial Valley problem 130 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,608 and we're Imperial Valley. 131 00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:55,567 Just don't sweat it. 132 00:03:55,568 --> 00:03:56,777 It'll be a bunch of local reporters 133 00:03:56,778 --> 00:03:58,570 you probably went to high school with. 134 00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:00,030 Okay. But if I help you then who's gonna do the... 135 00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:01,081 The video can wait 136 00:04:01,199 --> 00:04:03,243 Or I can start right now. - Wow. 137 00:04:03,368 --> 00:04:05,160 Look at your initiative. - Yeah. 138 00:04:05,161 --> 00:04:07,788 All right, Audrey. It's yours. What do you need? 139 00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:08,831 Nothing. 140 00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:10,750 Tanner, you're my guy. 141 00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:11,834 He just got a new phone. 142 00:04:11,835 --> 00:04:12,835 Come here. 143 00:04:12,836 --> 00:04:14,211 Sorry. What am I doing? - Get over here. 144 00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:16,004 What did she mean by 'address the media'? 145 00:04:16,005 --> 00:04:18,173 Don't worry. You're gonna kill the questions. 146 00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:19,842 There's gonna be questions?! 147 00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:21,844 Whoa! Whoa! 148 00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:23,345 Fuck man! 149 00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:26,766 [chuckles] You just turned my sandwich into a panini, man. 150 00:04:26,891 --> 00:04:28,183 Thanks guy, bro. 151 00:04:28,184 --> 00:04:29,685 What a fucking day. 152 00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:32,439 Okay, we're looking at fast cuts, real people. 153 00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:34,023 I want it to feel sexy. 154 00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:36,150 This isn't gonna be some fucking lameass corporate video 155 00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:38,485 where some lazy-eyed asshole drools into the camera. 156 00:04:38,486 --> 00:04:40,362 Okay? We are going to tell people a story. 157 00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:43,283 We are taking them on a journey to the soul of this place. 158 00:04:43,284 --> 00:04:44,533 They're gonna laugh. - Sure. 159 00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:46,201 They're gonna cry. 160 00:04:46,202 --> 00:04:48,955 Let's show the world what Conch is really about. 161 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:52,458 Okay. Uh, is this the part where I, uh, pretend where I know 162 00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,335 what I'm doing until someone yells at me? 163 00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:56,295 Yep. That someone will be me. 164 00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:57,296 Wonderful. Yeah. 165 00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:58,965 Get your camera. 166 00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:02,342 [sighs] Let's get this over with. 167 00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:08,390 [playful music] 168 00:05:08,391 --> 00:05:17,317 ? 169 00:05:17,442 --> 00:05:18,901 [Chelsea]. Ah geez. 170 00:05:18,902 --> 00:05:20,736 [Medhi]. It's fucking huge. 171 00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:23,323 Yeah, that doesn't look great. 172 00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:25,741 Yeah, thing's got its own tide. 173 00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:27,827 That's not a blob, that's a biome. 174 00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:29,203 [Envirovestigate Guy]. I just finished the test. 175 00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:30,245 Yeah? 176 00:05:30,246 --> 00:05:31,914 Sorry. This is above my pay grade. 177 00:05:31,915 --> 00:05:33,791 Oh, that's great. Envirovestigate is quitting. 178 00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:35,626 My wife and I are planning on having kids. 179 00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:37,461 I'd like them to come out symmetrical. 180 00:05:37,462 --> 00:05:38,462 Pussy! - Homer... 181 00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:40,255 What? I'm union. I'm not polite. 182 00:05:40,256 --> 00:05:41,675 Yo. Are we fucked? 183 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,258 Yep. Royally. 184 00:05:43,259 --> 00:05:44,468 [Homer]. It's like the cum-ness monster in there. 185 00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:45,761 Look at that thing. 186 00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:46,762 Please have some good news. 187 00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:47,721 Oh hey. 188 00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:49,349 Afraid not. It's definitely us. 189 00:05:49,350 --> 00:05:51,308 It's got Conch's signature runoff: 190 00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:52,684 Mercury, lead, 191 00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:54,895 and a very familiar amount of negligence. 192 00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:58,649 Todd, we had a chat and the media contact? 193 00:05:58,650 --> 00:05:59,692 It's you. 194 00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:00,693 You're the guy. 195 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:03,612 What? Not on my own. No, no, no, no, no. 196 00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:04,933 You love this kind of thing. 197 00:06:04,934 --> 00:06:06,448 You used to vlog your hangovers. 198 00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:07,991 You've spoke in front of thousands of people 199 00:06:07,992 --> 00:06:09,243 on your flare stack world tour. 200 00:06:09,244 --> 00:06:10,411 Come on. 201 00:06:10,412 --> 00:06:12,454 I'm the solutions guy and we have a solution. 202 00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:15,041 You need to stall until we, uh, find one 203 00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:16,876 that I can take full credit for. 204 00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,460 What about you, Chels? Your Site Manager. 205 00:06:18,461 --> 00:06:20,587 No, we need someone who can speak small town, 206 00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:22,006 someone who can talk to that guy. 207 00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:22,923 [Todd]. Who? Fucking beardo? 208 00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:23,924 [Chelsea]. Now listen, this is our window. 209 00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:24,967 We say nothing, 210 00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:26,468 we look like we're hiding something, 211 00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,303 But I don't know what to say or how to say it. 212 00:06:28,304 --> 00:06:29,805 You do not want me riffing up there, 213 00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:30,973 trust me. 214 00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:33,976 Correct, which is why I'm gonna write you a script. 215 00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:35,853 Talking points. Sound bites. - [Todd] I don't like this. 216 00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:37,521 Couple of jokes if the vibe feels right. 217 00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:38,480 You'll do great. 218 00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,274 We got you, buddy. - Okay? 219 00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:41,818 Okay. 220 00:06:41,819 --> 00:06:43,360 [Audrey]. Stick with me. 221 00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:44,738 Get our first subject. 222 00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:46,364 Somebody good. 223 00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:48,282 Oh yes. 224 00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:49,533 [Taser]. There's so much we can fit in here. 225 00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:50,492 Get your camera. 226 00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:51,452 [Taser]. All right, keep it coming. 227 00:06:51,453 --> 00:06:52,703 Roach. 228 00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:54,079 [Auds] Video time, guys. - [Taser] What a score. Yes! 229 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,789 [Tanner]. What the fuck are you guys doing? 230 00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,041 Yeah, what are you doing, man? 231 00:06:57,042 --> 00:06:58,250 You shouldn't be doing that. 232 00:06:58,251 --> 00:06:59,209 [Taser]. Pass me a plate, man. 233 00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:00,252 I'm not a plumber. 234 00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,337 [Taser] What? - [Audrey] Taser. 235 00:07:01,338 --> 00:07:03,590 What? Oh hey. Uh... 236 00:07:03,715 --> 00:07:06,008 Nothing. I own these. 237 00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:09,262 Um, I haven't asked you anything yet but okay. 238 00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:10,429 Here we go. 239 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:13,350 Describe the Conch experience in one word. 240 00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:16,643 Gone. 241 00:07:16,644 --> 00:07:19,188 Ow! Jesus, Roach! 242 00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:20,440 The fuck? 243 00:07:20,441 --> 00:07:21,607 Where you going? 244 00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,400 [Taser] Gotta take a shit. - There he goes. 245 00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:24,818 Fuck was that? All right. 246 00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:26,862 Let's go get Roach. Maybe he'll be better. 247 00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:27,863 I doubt it. 248 00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:29,073 Hey Roach. Quick interview. 249 00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:30,909 Okay, just don't smoke on camera. 250 00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:36,289 Okay. What has Conch done for the community? 251 00:07:36,414 --> 00:07:39,166 I get free drugs and my teeth cleaned. 252 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,377 What? How does that relate to the community? 253 00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:43,463 Uh, the pharmacy guy 254 00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:46,383 and the teeth doctor get our businesses right? So... 255 00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,551 Alright, finish my sentence. 256 00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:51,553 "For some it's a job. 257 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,597 "For others it's a..." 258 00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:56,809 Job. Am I right? [chuckles] 259 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,310 Thanks for nothing, Roach. 260 00:07:58,311 --> 00:07:59,854 Told ya. 261 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:03,857 Beauty. That went really great. 262 00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:05,901 Get your own Morning After pill. 263 00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:08,070 What do I look like? The school nurse? 264 00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:10,030 Oh my god, Stephie. I'm so glad to see you, 265 00:08:10,031 --> 00:08:11,073 Honey. 266 00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:13,660 It is so difficult working with people 267 00:08:13,785 --> 00:08:15,244 who don't take you seriously. 268 00:08:15,245 --> 00:08:16,912 I am trying to make art. 269 00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:17,955 You get me? 270 00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:19,081 Hmm. 271 00:08:19,082 --> 00:08:20,290 [Audrey]. You got a beautiful face. 272 00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:22,544 Will you please give me some star power? 273 00:08:22,545 --> 00:08:24,670 Aww. You think you can handle the wattage? 274 00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:26,213 Let's find out. 275 00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:27,340 Roll the cam. 276 00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:30,301 Words of wisdom for the Conch Cares video. 277 00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:34,097 Get yourself a tetanus shot. 278 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,433 And don't fall off the flare stack. 279 00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:39,643 Anything a little bit, I don't know, warmer? 280 00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:42,104 [Steph]. [sighs] I got work to do here. 281 00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,105 Don't sleep with Backwoods. 282 00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:44,106 Fuck off! - [Tanner] Ho-ho! 283 00:08:44,107 --> 00:08:45,274 Gimme this. - Did you hear what she just- 284 00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:46,608 Gimme this! 285 00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:49,069 Okay, repeat after me. 286 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:50,530 "I feel at home at Conch." 287 00:08:50,531 --> 00:08:52,573 [robotically] I feel at home at Conch. 288 00:08:52,574 --> 00:08:55,534 That's perfect if we're making a horror film but we're, 289 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:56,827 we're not trying to terrify people, 290 00:08:56,828 --> 00:08:57,870 we're trying to excite them. 291 00:08:57,871 --> 00:08:58,871 Right. 292 00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:00,247 I'm gonna shout out some emotions 293 00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:02,458 and you infuse the words with the vibe. Okay? 294 00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:04,585 Got it. Yeah. Okay. - Okay. 295 00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:05,636 Happy. 296 00:09:05,637 --> 00:09:07,463 [robotically] I feel at home at Conch. 297 00:09:07,464 --> 00:09:09,298 Okay. Sexy. 298 00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:11,258 [robotically] I feel at home at Conch. 299 00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:12,552 Jesus. 300 00:09:12,553 --> 00:09:14,011 I feel at home... at Conch? - Hey, they're filming in here. 301 00:09:14,012 --> 00:09:14,928 Just act natural. - No, no, no. 302 00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:16,055 That's not what meant. - Your video sucks. 303 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:18,350 Yeah, man. What are you, like, Oliver Stoner? 304 00:09:18,351 --> 00:09:19,641 [Audrey]. Fuck off, guys. 305 00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:20,601 Alfred Spliffcock? 306 00:09:20,602 --> 00:09:22,144 Hey, did you guys sign those out? 307 00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:23,563 Twice, man. 308 00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:25,814 I keel at phome at Honk. 309 00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:26,815 [Audrey]. Fuck my life. 310 00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:28,442 Here. Just fucking take this. 311 00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:29,652 We're done here. 312 00:09:29,653 --> 00:09:32,072 [playful music] [people chattering] 313 00:09:32,073 --> 00:09:33,614 [Medhi]. Use your 'we fucked up' voice 314 00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:36,076 and try to cry if you can. 315 00:09:36,077 --> 00:09:37,493 [Homer]. I wrote some good shit. 316 00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:38,494 Let's go 317 00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:39,536 [Medhi]. Okay. Here we go. 318 00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:42,666 Okay. Hey. Hi. Hey hi ho. 319 00:09:42,667 --> 00:09:44,500 [Homer]. Get to the cue cards! 320 00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:49,089 Um, our commitment to... 321 00:09:49,090 --> 00:09:50,130 What the fuck is this? 322 00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:51,173 [Medhi]. Come on, Todd. 323 00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:52,174 [Homer]. You can't fucking read now? 324 00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:53,175 What are these words? 325 00:09:53,176 --> 00:09:54,385 Like, it's hard to read. Who wrote this? 326 00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:56,638 I was in a rush! 327 00:09:56,639 --> 00:09:57,721 Fucking read it! 328 00:09:57,722 --> 00:10:00,474 We here at Crotch... 329 00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:01,517 Conch. 330 00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:03,310 [Homer] Did he say crotch? - Conch. 331 00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:04,979 You ever stare at a word too long 332 00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:07,210 and it stops looking like a word, everyone? 333 00:10:07,211 --> 00:10:08,524 No. 334 00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:10,610 Uh, Conch? 335 00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:11,860 Is that even how it's spelled? 336 00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:13,028 It's not a spelling contest. 337 00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:14,196 Just read it. - Move on. 338 00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:16,667 Anyway, there's a lot of technical mumbo-jumbo 339 00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:18,660 in these notes. Uh... 340 00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:19,743 Carbon trails. 341 00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:20,744 Don't skip that. 342 00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:22,371 River acidity. 343 00:10:22,372 --> 00:10:23,539 [Homer]. Are you kidding me, Todd? 344 00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:25,083 [Todd]. Fuck me. 345 00:10:25,084 --> 00:10:28,043 You know what? I left my science brain in the truck. 346 00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:29,253 What's he doing? What's he doing? 347 00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:30,504 So if you're worried... - [Homer] We're fucked. 348 00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:32,716 Don't be. I mean, this is basically like... 349 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,969 Three Mile Island or... - [man] Oh wow. 350 00:10:36,094 --> 00:10:38,554 Fukushima or, you know, the... 351 00:10:38,555 --> 00:10:39,513 I didn't write that. 352 00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:40,889 The Exxon Valdez, 353 00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:43,058 which turned out okay. 354 00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:44,560 And none of those places complained. 355 00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:48,063 They didn't bitch about a little radiation or glowing otters. 356 00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:49,565 And, you know, they didn't stop having kids. 357 00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:50,607 Hell no! 358 00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:52,192 They probably had more kids 359 00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:53,485 because they couldn't go outside. 360 00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:54,486 [Medhi]. Now that's a theory. 361 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:56,196 [Homer]. Jesus Christ. 362 00:10:56,197 --> 00:10:59,158 Well I guess that's gonna be, uh, about it for me. 363 00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,659 I'm gonna wrap it up... 364 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:01,869 [Homer]. Wrap it up! 365 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,203 In a sandwich. - [Chelsea] Medhi you're up. 366 00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:04,538 Pull him out. 367 00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:06,082 Bologna? 368 00:11:06,083 --> 00:11:08,125 [Chelsea]. Medhi. 369 00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:12,505 [muted] B-A-L... 370 00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:13,547 Wah! 371 00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:14,590 [crowd gasping] 372 00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:15,591 [Medhi] Todd! - [Chelsea] Todd! 373 00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:16,592 [Todd incoherently mumbling] 374 00:11:16,593 --> 00:11:17,634 That's not what I wrote! 375 00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:19,205 Blood sugar. Blood sugar issue. 376 00:11:19,206 --> 00:11:20,262 He'll be fine. 377 00:11:20,263 --> 00:11:21,765 Pulse. Pulse. Check his pulse. 378 00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,731 [Todd sighing] 379 00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:31,940 [Audrey] Hey bro! - Jesus. 380 00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:33,567 There he is. 381 00:11:33,568 --> 00:11:35,569 Do you have five minutes for my Conch Cares promo piece? 382 00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:38,197 Auds, I need silence and another drinking box. 383 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,248 Come on, Todd. 384 00:11:39,249 --> 00:11:41,617 Everyone else is fucking treating this like a joke. 385 00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,077 They're disrespecting me and my crew. 386 00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:44,119 I need you. 387 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,412 Your crew? [chuckling] 388 00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:47,539 Isn't it just you and mini tripod over here 389 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:48,957 with a fucking cellphone? 390 00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:50,542 Hey, I'm five-five. 391 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:51,752 Sure you are. - [Tanner] Fuck. 392 00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,922 Fine. You got five. 393 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,214 Perfect. 394 00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:56,716 [Audrey clears throat] 395 00:11:57,676 --> 00:12:00,219 This is General Foreman Todd Stool. 396 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:01,887 He's also my brother. 397 00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:03,430 That's right. At Conch, 398 00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:06,100 we're one big, shiny family. 399 00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:08,144 Some of us are shinier than others. 400 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:13,273 And how would you describe this family, Todd? 401 00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:14,233 Oh, I don't know. 402 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,609 Dysfunctional. 403 00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:17,069 A bunch of peer pressuring pricks. 404 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,112 Fuck you, man. 405 00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,155 Are you trying to fucking tank this? 406 00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:21,448 Jesus, I thought I could count on you. 407 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:22,449 Oh, come on, Auds. 408 00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:23,784 You hijacked the assignment 409 00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:26,286 and now I'm the asshole 'cause I don't wanna smile through it? 410 00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:27,579 I didn't hijack the assignment. 411 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,123 Chelsea gave it to me because I'm the only one around here 412 00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:30,332 who gives a shit. 413 00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:32,459 Well maybe if he gave less of a shit about being a star 414 00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,169 and more about being part of a team, 415 00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:36,505 the crew wouldn't treat your passion project like a joke. 416 00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:37,589 Should I still be filming this? 417 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:38,590 Yes! - No! 418 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:39,675 Okay. - Jesus, Todd, 419 00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:40,843 you've been grumpy since middle school. 420 00:12:40,844 --> 00:12:42,177 At least I didn't peak in middle school. 421 00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,804 Well, talent never dies. 422 00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:45,180 [Todd]. Neither does herpes, Auds. 423 00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:47,641 Doesn't mean we make a film about it. 424 00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:48,809 Hey. Sorry, Auds. 425 00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,520 You can finish this later. 426 00:12:51,646 --> 00:12:53,440 Lemme guess, sibling rivalry? 427 00:12:53,441 --> 00:12:54,773 Help me. 428 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,818 Okay, table it. 429 00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:59,154 All right. Onto the next. 430 00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:00,780 Come with me. 431 00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:02,990 How ya doing? Your head okay? 432 00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:04,325 I'm okay. - Okay, good. 433 00:13:04,326 --> 00:13:06,618 Listen, we're pulling you from the media scrum. 434 00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,996 We can't have our GF blacking out on camera again. 435 00:13:08,997 --> 00:13:12,791 It just looks a little bad for the, you know, everything. 436 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:15,836 All right? Okay. 437 00:13:15,837 --> 00:13:17,380 Got it. 438 00:13:17,381 --> 00:13:20,382 Ms. Conch, you look amazing today! 439 00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:21,383 Do you have time for a quick interview? 440 00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:22,343 No, no, no, no. No time. 441 00:13:22,344 --> 00:13:23,385 Just a quick conversation. 442 00:13:23,386 --> 00:13:24,386 I said no. 443 00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:25,387 We just need one sound bite. 444 00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:26,972 No! No time. 445 00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:28,182 [Tanner] There she goes. - [Jenn] Shit! 446 00:13:28,183 --> 00:13:29,475 Is this a janitor's closet? 447 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:30,726 Oh yeah, it's a closet. 448 00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:32,478 She's so fucking nuts. 449 00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:35,564 Okay, um, through the door then. 450 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:37,691 Can you tell me a little bit about Conch caring 451 00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:39,568 from the family perspective? 452 00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:41,528 [Jenn]. Oh my fucking god! 453 00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:42,905 There's a bird in this closet! 454 00:13:42,906 --> 00:13:43,906 Bird in that closet? 455 00:13:43,907 --> 00:13:45,597 No, there's no bird in the closet. 456 00:13:48,370 --> 00:13:49,912 Never mind. It was, 457 00:13:49,913 --> 00:13:51,539 it was a feather duster. 458 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:52,873 Uh, anyway, 459 00:13:52,874 --> 00:13:56,168 Granddaddy Conch built an empire less on caring, 460 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,046 more on rules, silence and fear. 461 00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,631 You know, classic founding father shit. 462 00:14:00,632 --> 00:14:01,882 Okay, just one more question before you go. 463 00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:02,883 No, no, no, no. 464 00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:03,926 I have to go damage control 465 00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:05,052 your brother's fainting spell. 466 00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,596 What? 467 00:14:07,389 --> 00:14:09,223 Oh fuck. 468 00:14:09,224 --> 00:14:10,933 That's why Todd was freaking out. 469 00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:12,893 I thought he was just being Todd. 470 00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:14,561 Yeah, you were being kind of a dick. 471 00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:16,272 I was? - Yeah. 472 00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:21,735 Are you zooming in on me? 473 00:14:21,736 --> 00:14:24,614 Stop that! Come on. 474 00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:30,620 All right, go, go, go, go. 475 00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:35,416 Well, what a turnout. 476 00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:36,917 Hot damn. 477 00:14:36,918 --> 00:14:39,962 Guys, I have some really good news. 478 00:14:39,963 --> 00:14:41,797 At Conch, 479 00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:45,592 we are in a true partnership with Mother Nature, right? 480 00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:47,970 I mean, that old gal can flood a town and what do we do? 481 00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:49,763 We pivot. 482 00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:52,600 When we leak an itty-bitty amount of mercury 483 00:14:52,601 --> 00:14:53,726 into the river, 484 00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,060 she just, I don't know, 485 00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:56,729 hides it in fishes or something, right? 486 00:14:56,730 --> 00:14:57,688 [crowd softly whispering] 487 00:14:57,689 --> 00:14:58,772 [Chelsea]. Oh, no, no, no. 488 00:14:58,773 --> 00:15:00,190 She keeps making it sound like no big deal. 489 00:15:00,191 --> 00:15:01,567 They'll think we're burying barrels. 490 00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:03,610 [chuckles] Oh, she keeps talking at all. 491 00:15:03,611 --> 00:15:05,322 we'll be burying the company. 492 00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:08,241 You fell down again, huh? 493 00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:09,993 I might have, a little. 494 00:15:10,994 --> 00:15:12,995 Seems like I'm still a fucking fuck up. 495 00:15:12,996 --> 00:15:14,663 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. 496 00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:16,457 You remember your Uncle Jerry? 497 00:15:16,458 --> 00:15:17,416 Like your brother? 498 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:18,792 Yeah. You remember when you were thirteen 499 00:15:18,793 --> 00:15:20,169 and you helped him after he crashed his sea-doo 500 00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:21,462 into his ex-wife's pool? 501 00:15:21,463 --> 00:15:23,297 I remember him being fucking wasted. 502 00:15:23,298 --> 00:15:24,298 And he thought he was at the marina. 503 00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:25,466 That's the day. That's the day. 504 00:15:25,467 --> 00:15:27,634 That night he phoned me and he says to me, 505 00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:29,470 "Todd's my guy. 506 00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:31,013 "Todd's the kind of kid who's ready to help out. 507 00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:32,389 "If I ever killed somebody, 508 00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:34,808 "Todd would be the first one there with shovels and snacks." 509 00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:37,353 You don't judge. You just show up 510 00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:38,646 and you do your best when you're there, 511 00:15:38,647 --> 00:15:41,023 whether it's helping your drunk Uncle Jerry in a sea-doo 512 00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:43,067 out of a pool or comforting your community 513 00:15:43,068 --> 00:15:44,944 after an environmental disaster. 514 00:15:45,070 --> 00:15:46,653 You're there. 515 00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:47,696 [Jenn]. Mother Nature... 516 00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:50,699 Thanks, Dad. 517 00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:51,658 Hell no, she doesn't. 518 00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:55,913 She just crashes right on in uninvited. 519 00:15:55,914 --> 00:16:00,502 like my Aunt Marilyn half drunk on some cheap ass rose. 520 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:03,003 She's killing us. Let me fix this. 521 00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:05,297 That ship capsized, no offence. 522 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,341 I know but I want another shot. 523 00:16:07,342 --> 00:16:08,967 I've been fainting in front of public crowds 524 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:09,968 since grade six. 525 00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,179 Like I'm due for a win. 526 00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:13,514 Well hopefully the podium comes with a handrail this time. 527 00:16:13,515 --> 00:16:14,473 Medhi. 528 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,808 If you're getting back up there, 529 00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:16,850 we spin this. 530 00:16:16,851 --> 00:16:17,851 You don't apologize. 531 00:16:17,852 --> 00:16:19,687 Anthropomorphize it. 532 00:16:19,688 --> 00:16:23,190 Toxic spills don't sell but Blobby the Safety Sludge? 533 00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:24,692 That's a brand. 534 00:16:24,693 --> 00:16:26,402 Give him a jingle, you know? 535 00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:27,361 I'm serious. 536 00:16:27,362 --> 00:16:28,529 Smokey the bear. 537 00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:29,863 Pillsbury Doughboy. 538 00:16:29,864 --> 00:16:32,366 It could be like the Michelin Man meets Slimer. 539 00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:35,077 People love a weird little creep with a smile. 540 00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:36,870 Well, anything's better than this shit show. 541 00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:37,913 Attaboy. 542 00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:39,540 How 'bout you drink some of the water? 543 00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:40,666 [everyone cheering] 544 00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:43,877 Well I would but I am doing an intermittent fasting, 545 00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:45,504 so, uh, no liquids until sundown. 546 00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:48,716 We need clean water and a real apology! 547 00:16:48,717 --> 00:16:50,509 [man]. Yeah. Come on! 548 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:51,844 [crowd booing] 549 00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:53,388 It's a complicated issue. 550 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:54,563 Okay. 551 00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:57,474 [crowd booing] 552 00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:58,684 What the fuck are you doing up here? 553 00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:01,145 I got this. 554 00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:02,771 Okay. - [man] You suck! 555 00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:04,565 We're gonna fix this, 556 00:17:04,566 --> 00:17:07,443 not with bullshit, with work. 557 00:17:07,444 --> 00:17:09,570 And maybe sandbags, I don't know yet. 558 00:17:09,571 --> 00:17:11,031 [Homer]. What? 559 00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:13,741 You know what? Fuck this. 560 00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:15,367 Follow me. 561 00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:16,785 [Medhi]. What are we... uh, Todd? 562 00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,288 [Chelsea]. What's? 563 00:17:18,289 --> 00:17:19,913 [Medhi]. Follow him! 564 00:17:19,914 --> 00:17:21,123 Let's go! 565 00:17:21,124 --> 00:17:23,083 [Chelsea]. Follow the man with the podium. 566 00:17:23,084 --> 00:17:24,877 [Homer]. Coming through. 567 00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:26,420 [Todd]. Follow me. Let's go. 568 00:17:26,421 --> 00:17:27,421 You want me to drink the water? 569 00:17:27,422 --> 00:17:29,089 I'll drink the fucking water. 570 00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:35,095 [soft Bluesy music] 571 00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:38,140 ? 572 00:17:38,141 --> 00:17:40,911 Anybody have a container or glass to put some water in? 573 00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:43,146 Anybody? 574 00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:45,606 Thanks, Conchie. 575 00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:52,280 [soft contemplative music] 576 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:53,975 [Audrey]. Oh, what's he doing? 577 00:17:55,867 --> 00:17:57,285 Go Todd. 578 00:17:57,410 --> 00:18:03,500 [contemplative music continues] 579 00:18:03,625 --> 00:18:06,002 [in unison] Ugh. 580 00:18:07,128 --> 00:18:09,171 Mmm. [coughing] 581 00:18:09,172 --> 00:18:10,631 [man]. Why don't you drink the whole thing? 582 00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:12,132 Not just a sip. 583 00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:16,804 [crowd affirmation] 584 00:18:16,805 --> 00:18:17,971 [man 2]. Let's see it. 585 00:18:17,972 --> 00:18:18,931 [woman]. Ewwww. 586 00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,224 [man 2]. If it's safe, drink it. 587 00:18:20,225 --> 00:18:21,392 [Medhi]. That's it. Keep it down. 588 00:18:21,393 --> 00:18:22,601 Keep it down. You got it. 589 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:23,644 [Todd gagging] 590 00:18:23,645 --> 00:18:26,480 [Homer]. CH-CH-CHUGG IT! 591 00:18:26,481 --> 00:18:27,481 [Audrey]. Every last drop. 592 00:18:27,482 --> 00:18:30,192 [everyone cheering] 593 00:18:30,193 --> 00:18:33,153 Holy fuck! Not bad. 594 00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:34,698 [Audrey]. Well done. 595 00:18:35,942 --> 00:18:38,033 We all... 596 00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:39,326 [loud static feedback] 597 00:18:39,327 --> 00:18:40,661 [Chelsea]. Oh Jesus. 598 00:18:40,662 --> 00:18:41,996 [distorted] Wait. 599 00:18:41,997 --> 00:18:44,331 [Jenn]. The mercury is speaking. 600 00:18:44,332 --> 00:18:45,624 We all grew up on this river. 601 00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:46,792 We fished in it. 602 00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:47,835 We swam in it. 603 00:18:47,836 --> 00:18:49,378 We probably swallowed some of it. 604 00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:51,046 And yeah, I mean, it's full of mercury now 605 00:18:51,047 --> 00:18:54,341 but so are most of us. 606 00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:55,801 When I was in elementary school, 607 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,303 I broke a thermometer open and I touched the mercury. 608 00:18:58,304 --> 00:18:59,430 I thought it was cool. - [Audrey] He did. 609 00:18:59,431 --> 00:19:01,140 And fuck it. Full disclosure? 610 00:19:01,141 --> 00:19:02,683 I licked it on a dare. 611 00:19:02,684 --> 00:19:03,809 [crowd murmuring] 612 00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:05,811 And then I licked it again for attention. 613 00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:06,895 Attaboy, Todd. 614 00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:09,189 And I turned out mostly normal. 615 00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:11,540 The thing is, most of us have stories like that. 616 00:19:11,541 --> 00:19:14,028 We're all still here, we're all still weird 617 00:19:14,029 --> 00:19:16,156 and we're all pretty much normal. 618 00:19:16,157 --> 00:19:17,323 I'm not saying it's good 619 00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:19,575 but to pretend it didn't happen isn't gonna fix it. 620 00:19:19,576 --> 00:19:22,077 We all released our pet goldfish in this water. 621 00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:23,037 Take a look at these. 622 00:19:23,038 --> 00:19:25,080 Half my chompers are mercury. 623 00:19:25,081 --> 00:19:28,709 I lit a jar of this water on fire to impress my girlfriend. 624 00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:30,502 Now she's my wife! 625 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:33,756 [crowd cheering] 626 00:19:33,757 --> 00:19:36,508 Behold: Todd Stool leading by example, 627 00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:38,886 which in this case means drinking contaminated water 628 00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:40,429 on camera. 629 00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:41,889 He's also my brother. 630 00:19:41,890 --> 00:19:43,098 You got this, bro. 631 00:19:43,099 --> 00:19:44,016 [Todd]. Here's the thing. 632 00:19:44,017 --> 00:19:45,351 If we're stuck with this blob, 633 00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:46,769 let's own it. 634 00:19:46,770 --> 00:19:48,229 Let's make it our own. 635 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,397 I say we name the fucking thing. 636 00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:51,398 Yeah! - [chuckles] Yeah. 637 00:19:51,399 --> 00:19:53,275 All right. Globby. That's a friendly name. 638 00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:54,401 Nice, Dad. 639 00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:56,737 How 'bout, uh, Lil' Spilly? 640 00:19:56,738 --> 00:19:57,696 [Audrey]. Uh... 641 00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:58,697 [Farmer]. Mercules! 642 00:19:58,698 --> 00:19:59,782 Come on, yes. 643 00:19:59,783 --> 00:20:00,923 Just spitballing here. 644 00:20:00,992 --> 00:20:02,951 What about Blob Gnarly? 645 00:20:02,952 --> 00:20:04,036 That's good. 646 00:20:04,037 --> 00:20:05,079 Huh? 647 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:06,580 Lil' Spilly's just a misunderstood puddle. 648 00:20:06,581 --> 00:20:07,915 All right, I think we have a winner. 649 00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:09,041 What?! Oh my gosh! 650 00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:10,751 Society made him toxic. 651 00:20:10,752 --> 00:20:12,378 I want royalties. - [Homer] Uncultured swine. 652 00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:14,588 I guess this is what peaking feels like. 653 00:20:14,589 --> 00:20:17,299 Somewhere out there is Blob Gnarly. 654 00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:18,342 Good job. 655 00:20:18,343 --> 00:20:20,052 You stayed upright. You didn't shit yourself. 656 00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:21,095 That's growth. 657 00:20:21,096 --> 00:20:23,597 Do you have an extra pair of pants? 658 00:20:23,598 --> 00:20:24,556 Kidding. 659 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:25,599 You'd smell it obviously. 660 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:26,725 Oh I know. 661 00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,644 With you trades guys it's always about shit and piss 662 00:20:28,645 --> 00:20:29,561 and the occasional cock. 663 00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:30,938 [Todd chuckling] 664 00:20:30,939 --> 00:20:31,897 Hey Todd. 665 00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:34,149 Um, still need to make my video 666 00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:35,651 except none of the guys will play ball. 667 00:20:35,652 --> 00:20:38,062 Half of them think that I'm filming a prank show. 668 00:20:39,322 --> 00:20:41,324 I'm their boss. I can make them dance. 669 00:20:41,325 --> 00:20:43,784 Let's show everybody that we're functional. 670 00:20:43,785 --> 00:20:44,993 Awww. 671 00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:45,995 You do care. 672 00:20:45,996 --> 00:20:48,330 No. But I can fake it for five minutes. 673 00:20:48,331 --> 00:20:50,166 Cool. That's six more than usual. 674 00:20:51,876 --> 00:20:52,961 Okay. 675 00:20:53,086 --> 00:20:54,136 Into the camera. 676 00:20:54,254 --> 00:20:55,630 And action. 677 00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:58,716 Yeah, well my old man worked here and, uh, now I do 678 00:20:58,717 --> 00:21:01,719 and hopefully my son after me. 679 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,513 It's, uh, it's not always easy 680 00:21:03,638 --> 00:21:06,348 but when you're in a jam people show up. 681 00:21:06,349 --> 00:21:07,433 [Audrey]. Nice. 682 00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:09,893 And it's a job where I can be unapologetically weird 683 00:21:09,894 --> 00:21:11,437 and get paid. 684 00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:12,479 The big bucks. 685 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:13,689 Not a bad deal. 686 00:21:13,690 --> 00:21:14,815 One of a kind, Dewey. 687 00:21:14,816 --> 00:21:16,608 I care about the lunch truck. 688 00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:18,819 [Audrey]. Okay. And that's... 689 00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:20,863 that's all that you wanna say for the video? 690 00:21:20,864 --> 00:21:22,031 What video? 691 00:21:22,032 --> 00:21:23,073 Fuck, Roach. 692 00:21:23,074 --> 00:21:25,826 Conch has covered me through, uh, two divorces, 693 00:21:25,827 --> 00:21:28,829 four injuries and one surprise custody hearing. 694 00:21:28,830 --> 00:21:29,830 [Audrey]. Awwww. 695 00:21:29,831 --> 00:21:31,165 That's important. - [Audrey] Okay. 696 00:21:31,166 --> 00:21:34,001 Well, if you need a nail gun or an alibi, 697 00:21:34,002 --> 00:21:35,502 someone's got you. 698 00:21:35,503 --> 00:21:37,504 [Audrey VO]. Conch isn't a perfect place 699 00:21:37,505 --> 00:21:38,839 but when the shit hits the fan, 700 00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:40,174 people show up. 701 00:21:40,175 --> 00:21:44,011 They care about the work, the town and each other. 702 00:21:44,012 --> 00:21:46,722 It's not some corporate mission statement, 703 00:21:46,723 --> 00:21:48,390 it's just how it is. 704 00:21:48,391 --> 00:21:50,226 Yeah. You get the picture. 705 00:21:51,061 --> 00:21:52,644 T-shirts, hats, hoodies. 706 00:21:52,645 --> 00:21:56,315 All proceeds go to the cleanup or sandbags or whatever helps. 707 00:21:56,316 --> 00:21:59,527 We made this mess and we'll deal with it because... 708 00:21:59,653 --> 00:22:01,321 [in unison] Conch Cares. 709 00:22:02,155 --> 00:22:05,824 Okay. Well I guess you're not a complete failure. 710 00:22:05,825 --> 00:22:08,410 Oh, high praise from a guy who headbutted a podium 711 00:22:08,411 --> 00:22:09,453 on live TV. 712 00:22:09,454 --> 00:22:11,372 And who had the brilliant idea of letting the town 713 00:22:11,373 --> 00:22:13,749 name a toxic blob. 714 00:22:13,750 --> 00:22:15,709 I mean, that was Homer's idea but... 715 00:22:15,710 --> 00:22:16,878 who's counting? 716 00:22:17,003 --> 00:22:19,713 You know, I never gave a damn about your report cards. 717 00:22:19,714 --> 00:22:22,007 I didn't need any teacher to tell me who my kids were. 718 00:22:22,008 --> 00:22:24,385 You came out strong. You came out smart. 719 00:22:24,386 --> 00:22:26,261 You came out mine. 720 00:22:26,262 --> 00:22:29,056 Oh just so you know, that sexy crush of yours, Ms. Walton? 721 00:22:29,057 --> 00:22:30,015 [Todd]. Yeah? 722 00:22:30,016 --> 00:22:31,392 She was a box wine drunk. 723 00:22:31,393 --> 00:22:32,434 Really? 724 00:22:32,435 --> 00:22:33,352 [Rodd]. And I should know. 725 00:22:33,353 --> 00:22:34,353 I banged her. 726 00:22:34,354 --> 00:22:35,562 [Todd choking] 727 00:22:35,563 --> 00:22:37,439 Whoa. - What? 728 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:40,734 It was the only A I ever got. [laughs] 729 00:22:40,735 --> 00:22:41,735 Ew, guys. 730 00:22:41,736 --> 00:22:42,862 I'm so jealous. 731 00:22:42,988 --> 00:22:45,532 ? There ain't no "Sunday Best" in my bottom drawer 732 00:22:47,242 --> 00:22:50,120 ? Sunday morning I recover from the night before 733 00:22:51,496 --> 00:22:54,207 ? And these fists have thrown a punch or two 734 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:59,003 ? But if you don't cross me, I won't cross you ? 735 00:23:00,505 --> 00:23:03,924 ? And if you'd lived my life you would understand ? 736 00:23:03,925 --> 00:23:05,592 Honestly, the most frequent thing that happens here 737 00:23:05,593 --> 00:23:08,220 in terms of safety is, like, dudes getting their dicks 738 00:23:08,221 --> 00:23:09,263 caught in their zippers 739 00:23:09,264 --> 00:23:10,723 and I don't go into the bathroom for that. 740 00:23:10,724 --> 00:23:12,641 I send Homer in. 741 00:23:12,642 --> 00:23:14,268 He likes it. 742 00:23:14,269 --> 00:23:16,437 The mercury blob will be contained. 743 00:23:16,438 --> 00:23:18,105 This is not our first rodeo. 744 00:23:18,106 --> 00:23:20,065 I mean, it is our, our first rodeo. 745 00:23:20,066 --> 00:23:21,735 It's just not the first rodeo... 746 00:23:21,736 --> 00:23:23,986 There are plenty of rodeos out there. 747 00:23:23,987 --> 00:23:25,279 It, it's, it's happened before. 748 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,114 The point is, the technology is there. 749 00:23:27,115 --> 00:23:28,490 We will clean it up. 750 00:23:28,491 --> 00:23:30,284 Things will be fine. Life will go on. 751 00:23:30,285 --> 00:23:31,785 All right? We done? 752 00:23:31,786 --> 00:23:33,163 Okay. We're totally fucked. 753 00:23:33,164 --> 00:23:36,999 ? And if you'd lived my life you would understand 754 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,110 ? The Devil is a friend of the workin' man ? 755 00:23:42,163 --> 00:23:46,175 ? And if you'd lived my life you would understand 756 00:23:46,176 --> 00:23:48,286 ? The Devil is a friend of the workin' man ? 757 00:23:51,131 --> 00:23:55,225 ? And if you'd lived my life you would understand 758 00:23:55,226 --> 00:23:56,894 ? The Devil is a friend of the workin' man 759 00:23:56,895 --> 00:23:59,314 ? Said the Lord might take you by the hand 760 00:23:59,315 --> 00:24:01,607 ? He ain't gonna take us to the promised land 761 00:24:01,608 --> 00:24:03,984 ? And if you'd lived my life you would understand 762 00:24:03,985 --> 00:24:06,111 ? The Devil is a friend of the workin' man ? 763 00:24:06,112 --> 00:24:08,448 [loud screaming] 764 00:24:09,324 --> 00:24:11,534 [dramatic music] 765 00:24:11,584 --> 00:24:16,134 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 53168

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