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1
00:00:07,011 --> 00:00:09,472
[♪ whimsical music playing]
2
00:00:09,555 --> 00:00:10,765
I've been calling and calling,
3
00:00:10,932 --> 00:00:12,517
and Tristan
still won't respond to me.
4
00:00:12,683 --> 00:00:14,977
So I'm sending my child
in to talk to her for me.
5
00:00:15,770 --> 00:00:18,481
I know. It's like all
my guardrails are gone.
6
00:00:18,564 --> 00:00:20,566
-[indistinct chatter]
-Ooh, ooh.
7
00:00:24,028 --> 00:00:25,488
[♪ music concludes]
8
00:00:26,113 --> 00:00:27,448
She doesn't want to talk to you.
9
00:00:27,615 --> 00:00:29,992
That's all she said? You were
in there for a half hour.
10
00:00:30,159 --> 00:00:31,619
She likes talking to me.
11
00:00:31,786 --> 00:00:34,247
Did you tell her she can call me
any time, or text me,
12
00:00:34,330 --> 00:00:35,831
or come over? That I'll do
13
00:00:35,915 --> 00:00:37,458
whatever she asks
to make it better?
14
00:00:37,583 --> 00:00:39,293
Yeah, I said you were
a desperate lunatic.
15
00:00:39,377 --> 00:00:40,753
-Did she like that?
-Dad.
16
00:00:40,962 --> 00:00:42,171
Tell me exactly what she said.
17
00:00:42,296 --> 00:00:43,881
She wants you to deal
with this mess you made.
18
00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:45,258
So do I.
19
00:00:45,424 --> 00:00:48,177
Their anniversary is tomorrow.
We can still go.
20
00:00:48,761 --> 00:00:50,471
Then we can both be in your family.
21
00:00:51,639 --> 00:00:53,307
[all chuckle]
22
00:00:53,391 --> 00:00:54,433
I can't remember a nicer Christmas.
23
00:00:54,517 --> 00:00:56,811
-[Kelly] This is so nice!
-I love all my presents.
24
00:00:57,186 --> 00:00:58,396
-[indistinct chatter]
-That's great!
25
00:00:58,604 --> 00:01:00,982
Reese,
the amazing dinner you made,
26
00:01:01,065 --> 00:01:03,568
cleaning everything by yourself,
all your presents,
27
00:01:03,693 --> 00:01:05,111
so thoughtful and generous.
28
00:01:05,194 --> 00:01:06,821
You really made this
the best Christmas
29
00:01:06,904 --> 00:01:08,322
-we've ever had.
-Oh.
30
00:01:08,447 --> 00:01:10,533
So, I'm the reason
every other Christmas was crap?
31
00:01:10,616 --> 00:01:13,035
-Huh? N... No, I--
-Yes, Reese, you're the reason
32
00:01:13,119 --> 00:01:14,745
why every other Christmas
was crap.
33
00:01:14,829 --> 00:01:17,290
Well, look who blames everyone
but himself, as usual.
34
00:01:17,373 --> 00:01:18,958
Hey, you can't criticize anyone.
35
00:01:19,041 --> 00:01:20,835
Nice drugstore perfume,
Richie Rich.
36
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,462
Better than "a donation
was made in your name."
37
00:01:23,588 --> 00:01:25,006
How am I supposed
to turn that in for cash?
38
00:01:25,089 --> 00:01:27,550
[Francis] Well, at least we spelled
your name right on the card, you moron.
39
00:01:27,675 --> 00:01:29,385
Who gives black socks
at Christmas?
40
00:01:29,468 --> 00:01:31,137
Why did you have to ruin this?
41
00:01:31,262 --> 00:01:33,806
Thanks for dragging me here.
Now, I hate Christmas!
42
00:01:33,889 --> 00:01:35,016
[overlapping chatter]
43
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,311
No. Not possible.
You don't understand.
44
00:01:38,394 --> 00:01:40,354
I'm protecting the people
that I love
45
00:01:41,230 --> 00:01:42,273
from the people that I love.
46
00:01:43,524 --> 00:01:46,360
Listen, it was unfair of me
to make you my go-between.
47
00:01:46,444 --> 00:01:48,696
No child should be burdened
with this kind of thing.
48
00:01:49,447 --> 00:01:52,033
-We agree on one thing.
-What have I done?
49
00:01:52,116 --> 00:01:55,036
No! She's the one! [cries]
50
00:01:55,161 --> 00:01:57,288
Leah, never fall in love
with someone
51
00:01:57,371 --> 00:01:58,539
that's better than you, okay?
52
00:01:58,623 --> 00:01:59,665
You'll just end up
disappointing them
53
00:01:59,749 --> 00:02:05,379
and disgusting yourself!
Idiot! Idiot! No! [cries]
54
00:02:05,463 --> 00:02:06,964
-I feel like if I comfort him...
-[Malcolm] Idiot!
55
00:02:07,048 --> 00:02:09,634
-... he'll keep going.
-[Malcolm] Idiot! Idiot!
56
00:02:09,717 --> 00:02:11,302
Tristan! I'm so--
57
00:02:12,428 --> 00:02:16,974
{\an8}♪ Life is unfair ♪
58
00:02:17,224 --> 00:02:22,563
-[♪ whimsical music playing]
-[sighs]
59
00:02:26,150 --> 00:02:27,276
What a rip.
60
00:02:28,611 --> 00:02:29,695
Hmm.
61
00:02:32,198 --> 00:02:33,991
Oh, hello.
62
00:02:35,201 --> 00:02:40,456
-Oh.
-[♪ whimsical music playing]
63
00:02:42,958 --> 00:02:46,087
[grunts] Okay, be that way.
64
00:02:50,091 --> 00:02:53,928
[♪ upbeat music playing]
65
00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:56,764
{\an8}Mom, Reese finally worked up
the courage
66
00:02:56,889 --> 00:02:59,266
{\an8}to come out of hiding
and face your righteous anger.
67
00:02:59,392 --> 00:03:00,518
{\an8}She's out shopping all day.
68
00:03:00,601 --> 00:03:03,104
{\an8}I hid under her car
until she drove off. [chuckles]
69
00:03:03,729 --> 00:03:05,314
{\an8}-What do you want?
-Revenge.
70
00:03:05,398 --> 00:03:06,524
{\an8}What did I do?
71
00:03:06,691 --> 00:03:09,944
{\an8}You found out what I did.
Do you know what this is?
72
00:03:10,695 --> 00:03:13,739
{\an8}-A completely trashed room.
-Do you know what room?
73
00:03:13,823 --> 00:03:15,533
{\an8}-No.
-Because you're a goody-goody
74
00:03:15,616 --> 00:03:16,909
{\an8}and you've never been there.
75
00:03:16,992 --> 00:03:19,120
{\an8}It's your principal's office.
You trashed it.
76
00:03:19,286 --> 00:03:21,580
{\an8}-What?
-As a protest over the slow pace
77
00:03:21,664 --> 00:03:23,833
{\an8}of progress on diversity
and inclusion.
78
00:03:23,916 --> 00:03:25,584
{\an8}What'd you do?
Leave a note saying,
79
00:03:25,668 --> 00:03:27,670
{\an8}-"I did it. Love, Kelly."
-[Reese] Oh, please.
80
00:03:27,795 --> 00:03:30,131
{\an8}I went pro 20 years
before you were born.
81
00:03:30,256 --> 00:03:31,257
{\an8}It's easy.
82
00:03:31,507 --> 00:03:33,426
{\an8}Copy your handwriting
just well enough
83
00:03:33,509 --> 00:03:35,594
{\an8}to look like it's you
trying to disguise it.
84
00:03:35,886 --> 00:03:38,514
{\an8}Scrape your social media
for characteristic phrasing.
85
00:03:38,931 --> 00:03:41,225
{\an8}"There's no activism
without transgression."
86
00:03:41,350 --> 00:03:43,561
{\an8}-You gave me that!
-[gasps]
87
00:03:43,769 --> 00:03:45,483
{\an8}See what I did to the picture
of his baby?
88
00:03:45,583 --> 00:03:46,939
{\an8}That's gonna focus
some feelings.
89
00:03:47,398 --> 00:03:48,649
{\an8}What is wrong with you?
90
00:03:48,774 --> 00:03:51,193
{\an8}You'll never know.
The court sealed that report.
91
00:03:52,153 --> 00:03:53,404
{\an8}[♪ music concludes]
92
00:03:53,487 --> 00:03:58,242
[gags] I'm coming, Momma!
93
00:03:58,409 --> 00:04:03,456
Must untangle umbilical cord!
94
00:04:04,540 --> 00:04:08,002
[pants] I see light!
95
00:04:08,085 --> 00:04:09,253
I could take the squirming
96
00:04:09,336 --> 00:04:11,255
if I didn't have to see
his hangy stuff.
97
00:04:11,338 --> 00:04:16,594
[grunts] Oh! [whimpers]
98
00:04:16,844 --> 00:04:23,601
[screams] I made it, Momma!
Hello, world! [laughs]
99
00:04:23,726 --> 00:04:30,024
[wailing]
100
00:04:30,107 --> 00:04:34,153
My, my.
What a big, strong voice.
101
00:04:36,781 --> 00:04:40,326
Hello there. I'm Hal.
102
00:04:42,119 --> 00:04:45,247
-[sighs]
-How you feeling?
103
00:04:45,748 --> 00:04:47,833
Hot and dizzy and nauseous.
104
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,543
I called my mom
and she said
105
00:04:49,627 --> 00:04:51,086
she felt like this
every day for nine months
106
00:04:51,170 --> 00:04:52,713
and that's why
she never liked me.
107
00:04:52,838 --> 00:04:55,049
I've been thinking
a lot about my mom's list.
108
00:04:55,174 --> 00:04:57,802
-Oh, jeez.
-No, it's good. I realized
109
00:04:57,885 --> 00:04:59,345
I haven't been fair to her.
110
00:04:59,512 --> 00:05:00,930
She's got Dad to deal with,
111
00:05:01,013 --> 00:05:02,640
Malcolm and Reese
are giant assholes.
112
00:05:02,723 --> 00:05:04,225
She's older now.
113
00:05:04,308 --> 00:05:06,435
She doesn't feed
on the chaos like she used to.
114
00:05:07,019 --> 00:05:10,231
Wow. I'm so proud of you.
115
00:05:10,523 --> 00:05:13,025
You've matured just in time
to be a dad.
116
00:05:13,150 --> 00:05:15,110
Anyway, she's freaking out
about the money
117
00:05:15,194 --> 00:05:16,487
she's spending at the party,
118
00:05:16,570 --> 00:05:18,739
so I was thinking
we're doing okay.
119
00:05:18,948 --> 00:05:21,033
We could help out.
Maybe our present
120
00:05:21,116 --> 00:05:23,285
is that we kick in a thousand
dollars toward the party.
121
00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:27,039
I think that's nice.
Wait a minute.
122
00:05:27,206 --> 00:05:28,541
You're just trying
to move up her list.
123
00:05:28,707 --> 00:05:29,917
One spot.
124
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,168
We're having a damn baby.
125
00:05:31,252 --> 00:05:32,628
How is that not at least
top seven?
126
00:05:32,753 --> 00:05:34,713
Yes, we're having a damn baby.
127
00:05:34,839 --> 00:05:37,258
How can you still be so fixated
on your mother?
128
00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,218
Because it's making me nuts!
129
00:05:39,426 --> 00:05:40,761
Since the day I was born,
130
00:05:40,845 --> 00:05:42,513
I've always been
her biggest problem.
131
00:05:42,638 --> 00:05:44,765
The first-grade fires,
the summer camp riots,
132
00:05:44,849 --> 00:05:46,308
the freshman plea deal.
133
00:05:46,392 --> 00:05:49,854
She nearly went completely bald
from the stress I was causing.
134
00:05:51,021 --> 00:05:54,567
-I don't know. I got used to it.
-And even recognizing
135
00:05:54,650 --> 00:05:56,527
how futile
and self-destructive it is,
136
00:05:56,610 --> 00:05:58,696
you're still gonna embrace
this insanity?
137
00:05:59,321 --> 00:06:02,992
Yes, you get it! Love you.
138
00:06:05,244 --> 00:06:06,370
[sighs]
139
00:06:06,453 --> 00:06:09,623
Oh, my God, you said that?
You're so brave.
140
00:06:09,748 --> 00:06:12,459
{\an8}Yeah, you know I don't care
what those guys think.
141
00:06:13,919 --> 00:06:16,046
{\an8}You gotta float above it.
That's what I do.
142
00:06:17,298 --> 00:06:18,382
It's easy when you're pretty.
143
00:06:19,633 --> 00:06:22,636
{\an8}I don't know. I think everyone
has stuff they worry about.
144
00:06:24,230 --> 00:06:27,296
Is the cafeteria doing burgers
or stir fry on Monday?
145
00:06:28,309 --> 00:06:31,020
{\an8}Stir fry.
Monday's always stir fry.
146
00:06:32,187 --> 00:06:34,148
I knew I'd be good at flirting.
147
00:06:34,773 --> 00:06:35,983
-[knocking at the door]
-Come in!
148
00:06:37,985 --> 00:06:39,278
[chuckles softly] Hi, honey.
149
00:06:39,528 --> 00:06:42,156
Sorry again about this morning,
but I want you to know
150
00:06:42,323 --> 00:06:44,074
I've done
some hard introspection,
151
00:06:44,158 --> 00:06:45,367
and I'm in a calmer place now.
152
00:06:45,910 --> 00:06:47,703
-Okay.
-I mean, I'm still heartbroken.
153
00:06:47,786 --> 00:06:50,873
But I accept that it is over
between Tristan and me.
154
00:06:50,956 --> 00:06:52,416
So now I'm sad.
155
00:06:52,750 --> 00:06:55,920
But it's a healthy kind of sad
that I can work to get past
156
00:06:56,003 --> 00:06:59,006
by focusing on the good things
in my life, like you.
157
00:06:59,465 --> 00:07:01,383
I'm going to focus more on you.
158
00:07:01,467 --> 00:07:04,094
-I'm actually fine with w--
-I know it's the last thing
159
00:07:04,219 --> 00:07:06,263
a kid your age wants
is more time with Daddy.
160
00:07:06,347 --> 00:07:07,389
But I had a great idea.
161
00:07:07,473 --> 00:07:09,558
Do you remember
Old School Manny's?
162
00:07:09,642 --> 00:07:11,268
-Yes.
-It's still open.
163
00:07:11,352 --> 00:07:13,187
-We haven't been there in years.
-Oh, I love that place.
164
00:07:13,312 --> 00:07:14,980
-Me too.
-The fries were amazing.
165
00:07:15,064 --> 00:07:17,691
-They were disgusting.
-No! Really?
166
00:07:17,816 --> 00:07:19,693
Everything about
that place was disgusting.
167
00:07:19,777 --> 00:07:21,612
There was cockroaches
in the bathroom.
168
00:07:21,695 --> 00:07:22,905
The video games were sticky.
169
00:07:23,030 --> 00:07:25,032
One time, I got a Band-Aid
in my sandwich.
170
00:07:25,115 --> 00:07:26,992
I don't remember it like that.
171
00:07:27,326 --> 00:07:28,911
Because you were little,
and it was our place.
172
00:07:29,036 --> 00:07:31,872
We talked about school
and your dreams and...
173
00:07:32,039 --> 00:07:33,749
Why Mom left if she loved me
so much.
174
00:07:33,916 --> 00:07:35,876
Yeah, I never had a great answer
for that one.
175
00:07:36,168 --> 00:07:38,462
But let's go to dinner tonight.
Me and you.
176
00:07:38,754 --> 00:07:40,297
All right? They still have
Zombie Massacre III.
177
00:07:40,381 --> 00:07:42,257
We can play, and tomorrow,
we'll compare nightmares.
178
00:07:42,341 --> 00:07:43,550
That sounds great.
179
00:07:43,634 --> 00:07:44,843
I'm really looking forward
to it.
180
00:07:45,844 --> 00:07:49,765
[♪ whimsical music playing]
181
00:07:49,890 --> 00:07:51,600
You can go back to talking
to that boy.
182
00:07:54,061 --> 00:07:55,354
Can't wait.
183
00:07:57,856 --> 00:07:58,941
[Kelly] You look nice and comfy.
184
00:08:00,359 --> 00:08:01,652
I assume you're here
to beg for mercy?
185
00:08:01,819 --> 00:08:04,780
No. Actually,
I'm here to thank you.
186
00:08:05,823 --> 00:08:07,908
This whole thing has been
a real learning experience.
187
00:08:08,742 --> 00:08:09,952
I learned
what you're capable of.
188
00:08:10,369 --> 00:08:12,329
I learned that the desire
for revenge
189
00:08:12,413 --> 00:08:13,831
can go way too far
and hurt someone.
190
00:08:14,832 --> 00:08:16,166
I learned I'm comfortable
with that.
191
00:08:16,875 --> 00:08:20,963
I learned your social
security number is 987654327.
192
00:08:21,130 --> 00:08:23,841
I learned how to contact
the IRS anonymous tip line
193
00:08:23,924 --> 00:08:26,135
about unreported video income.
194
00:08:26,677 --> 00:08:30,139
[scoffs] I don't have
unreported income.
195
00:08:31,015 --> 00:08:32,266
Then you'll be fine.
196
00:08:33,017 --> 00:08:35,310
The IRS isn't going to listen
to a stupid teenager.
197
00:08:35,561 --> 00:08:37,771
I worried about that too.
But Agent Miller said
198
00:08:37,855 --> 00:08:40,024
the national debt
is 35 trillion dollars
199
00:08:40,107 --> 00:08:41,525
and they'll listen to anybody.
200
00:08:43,444 --> 00:08:45,487
O... Okay, you've won.
201
00:08:47,656 --> 00:08:49,491
I've done this a long time,
so I know.
202
00:08:49,616 --> 00:08:50,617
Hmm.
203
00:08:50,701 --> 00:08:52,286
At this point, any revenge I try
204
00:08:52,369 --> 00:08:53,704
is not just going
to be pointless.
205
00:08:53,829 --> 00:08:55,998
It's also going to blow back
and hurt me.
206
00:08:57,499 --> 00:09:00,169
And somehow, I'm still looking
forward to doing it.
207
00:09:01,378 --> 00:09:03,464
I keep looking at this font.
I can't decide.
208
00:09:03,547 --> 00:09:06,675
Is this celebratory, romantic,
or is this just cliched?
209
00:09:06,759 --> 00:09:08,844
I'm running out of time.
What do you think?
210
00:09:08,927 --> 00:09:11,096
I think I clock out
in five minutes.
211
00:09:11,180 --> 00:09:12,848
Ten seconds later, I won't
remember this interaction.
212
00:09:12,931 --> 00:09:14,725
Yeah, you're right.
It's cliched.
213
00:09:14,933 --> 00:09:17,770
Hi, Abe. I have been
calling Hal all day,
214
00:09:17,895 --> 00:09:19,188
and he's not answering.
Where are you guys?
215
00:09:19,271 --> 00:09:20,564
-Lois, yes, yes.
-[Hal groaning]
216
00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:21,815
Lovely to hear from you.
217
00:09:21,899 --> 00:09:23,150
All ready
for your party tomorrow?
218
00:09:23,233 --> 00:09:26,904
No, because I need Hal's help.
Where is he? Where are you guys?
219
00:09:26,987 --> 00:09:29,323
I can hear the excitement
in your voice.
220
00:09:29,406 --> 00:09:30,991
We are all looking forward
to it.
221
00:09:31,075 --> 00:09:32,201
-Abe!
-[Abe] Yes,
222
00:09:32,284 --> 00:09:33,911
we're just finishing up
our haircuts.
223
00:09:33,994 --> 00:09:36,538
It's taking much longer
than we thought.
224
00:09:36,622 --> 00:09:39,249
Mario is being overly precise.
225
00:09:39,333 --> 00:09:43,045
[imitates radio static] Oops!
We're heading into a tunnel.
226
00:09:43,128 --> 00:09:48,133
-[Hal speaking indistinctly]
-Barbershop... tunnel.
227
00:09:49,635 --> 00:09:51,220
[groans]
228
00:09:51,386 --> 00:09:54,556
I don't understand
how you look exactly like me
229
00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:56,642
and so much better than me.
230
00:09:56,725 --> 00:09:59,561
Even your socks.
I'll never have socks like that.
231
00:09:59,728 --> 00:10:03,774
Hal, you have everything I have.
I'm you.
232
00:10:03,857 --> 00:10:07,778
-[scoffs] Come on.
-[both chuckle]
233
00:10:07,861 --> 00:10:10,322
I'm enjoying this,
but we are here to work.
234
00:10:10,656 --> 00:10:14,076
Can you tell me about Hal?
235
00:10:15,994 --> 00:10:18,330
From the moment
I had any self-awareness,
236
00:10:18,455 --> 00:10:20,624
I have been gripped
by a pervasive fear.
237
00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:23,127
Fear has been
my constant companion,
238
00:10:23,293 --> 00:10:25,295
not as a condition
or an abstraction,
239
00:10:25,379 --> 00:10:27,506
but something tangible,
embodied.
240
00:10:29,466 --> 00:10:33,387
Interesting. Please, go on.
241
00:10:33,595 --> 00:10:37,975
Like when I was seven,
and our whole house shook
242
00:10:38,142 --> 00:10:41,353
and heaved with the weight
of my father's broken dreams.
243
00:10:41,854 --> 00:10:44,857
Fear was already there,
almost like a big brother.
244
00:10:44,940 --> 00:10:47,109
-Your fear?
-[teen Hal] Yeah, my fear.
245
00:10:47,276 --> 00:10:49,736
Fear taught me things
I needed in life.
246
00:10:49,820 --> 00:10:51,071
Always say yes,
247
00:10:51,155 --> 00:10:53,115
because you'll probably
never get another chance.
248
00:10:53,490 --> 00:10:56,285
And to never let go
of what you've got,
249
00:10:56,493 --> 00:11:00,164
because anything can be taken
away from you like that.
250
00:11:00,664 --> 00:11:04,501
That sounds like such
a hard way to live, Hal.
251
00:11:04,626 --> 00:11:07,254
Oh, you bet.
Fear made it hard sometimes.
252
00:11:07,504 --> 00:11:08,922
But I don't think
I would have gotten
253
00:11:09,047 --> 00:11:12,301
anywhere in life
without his vigilance. Right?
254
00:11:12,801 --> 00:11:18,807
Right. Anything worth doing
is worth doing in a cold sweat.
255
00:11:19,391 --> 00:11:22,144
See? A tough lesson delivered
with kindness.
256
00:11:22,227 --> 00:11:23,729
-Ah.
-Thanks, man.
257
00:11:25,063 --> 00:11:27,733
-He reminds me of someone.
-Trent Reznor.
258
00:11:27,858 --> 00:11:30,819
Ah, yes! [chuckles] Thank you.
259
00:11:31,612 --> 00:11:34,031
Let's move on.
I think we're getting somewhere.
260
00:11:34,823 --> 00:11:38,410
I... I used to think
that taking care of my kids
261
00:11:38,577 --> 00:11:40,037
was my purpose.
262
00:11:40,204 --> 00:11:42,873
The best, most important thing
I could ever do.
263
00:11:43,707 --> 00:11:47,002
[chuckles] You know,
it really swallows up
264
00:11:47,085 --> 00:11:50,464
every bit of your attention
and concern,
265
00:11:50,547 --> 00:11:53,926
and plans for the future.
266
00:11:55,677 --> 00:11:56,970
And?
267
00:12:00,057 --> 00:12:04,978
And, uh, as every kid grew up
and moved out,
268
00:12:06,396 --> 00:12:09,691
I had more and more bandwidth,
and...
269
00:12:11,276 --> 00:12:14,321
I... I finally realized...
270
00:12:16,573 --> 00:12:18,659
they didn't need me anymore.
271
00:12:20,994 --> 00:12:24,122
So, no meaning...
272
00:12:25,499 --> 00:12:26,625
no purpose.
273
00:12:27,793 --> 00:12:32,839
I... [sniffles] I'm nothing.
274
00:12:37,052 --> 00:12:42,432
Hal, you've been so focused
on your family's needs,
275
00:12:43,392 --> 00:12:45,143
you never thought
about your own.
276
00:12:45,978 --> 00:12:48,605
Your inner resources
are depleted
277
00:12:49,356 --> 00:12:51,233
because you've never nourished
them.
278
00:12:52,234 --> 00:12:55,320
I haven't thought about it
like that.
279
00:12:55,696 --> 00:12:58,407
Hal, the key to this
280
00:12:59,199 --> 00:13:01,910
is what they always tell you
on airplanes.
281
00:13:03,036 --> 00:13:05,789
You have to put your
own mask...
282
00:13:07,165 --> 00:13:08,458
on first.
283
00:13:11,253 --> 00:13:12,462
Whoa!
284
00:13:12,838 --> 00:13:16,883
[♪ upbeat music playing]
285
00:13:17,342 --> 00:13:19,720
Hey, Piama and I can see
286
00:13:19,803 --> 00:13:21,513
how stressed you are
about the party,
287
00:13:21,596 --> 00:13:24,433
but we both think an achievement
like 40 years of marriage
288
00:13:24,516 --> 00:13:25,726
needs to be celebrated,
289
00:13:25,809 --> 00:13:28,228
so we're giving you
a thousand bucks toward it.
290
00:13:28,395 --> 00:13:31,273
[gasps] Thanks.
291
00:13:35,569 --> 00:13:37,696
Hi, this is Lois.
292
00:13:37,863 --> 00:13:39,489
Is that upgrade
to the sound system
293
00:13:39,573 --> 00:13:42,284
still available?
Fifteen hundred dollars, right?
294
00:13:42,409 --> 00:13:43,618
Let's do it.
295
00:13:44,536 --> 00:13:47,372
No. I gave you that to help
your money problems.
296
00:13:47,456 --> 00:13:48,457
You're not supposed
to put yourself
297
00:13:48,540 --> 00:13:49,916
another five hundred
in the hole.
298
00:13:50,083 --> 00:13:52,586
I have to spend what I need
to make this the way I want.
299
00:13:52,669 --> 00:13:54,880
And you need to stop obsessing
about the list.
300
00:13:54,963 --> 00:13:57,007
-It's only a number.
-Then move me up one.
301
00:13:57,090 --> 00:13:58,425
That's not how the list works.
302
00:13:58,508 --> 00:14:01,094
You're only doing this because
you get some sort of sick thrill
303
00:14:01,178 --> 00:14:03,013
out of making me feel small.
304
00:14:03,096 --> 00:14:05,140
That's it. I am done.
305
00:14:05,223 --> 00:14:06,558
You need to get a grip
on yourself
306
00:14:06,641 --> 00:14:07,726
because I am not going
to indulge
307
00:14:07,809 --> 00:14:09,644
in this stupidity anymore.
308
00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:11,063
What's that?
309
00:14:11,146 --> 00:14:13,523
It's just more party stuff
like all the other party stuff.
310
00:14:14,649 --> 00:14:15,692
Huh.
311
00:14:18,737 --> 00:14:21,573
Do not make a thing about this.
312
00:14:21,656 --> 00:14:25,494
Booties? Little bunny booties?
313
00:14:26,203 --> 00:14:28,121
Little bunny baby booties
314
00:14:28,205 --> 00:14:30,999
for your widdle bunny
baby grandchild?
315
00:14:31,083 --> 00:14:32,584
They were on sale,
and I can return them.
316
00:14:32,667 --> 00:14:35,003
-I knew it was important to you.
-Go away!
317
00:14:35,087 --> 00:14:38,507
What's my number now, Mom?
What's my number now?
318
00:14:39,716 --> 00:14:43,303
So decapitation is back, back,
up, high kick, forward, down?
319
00:14:43,637 --> 00:14:46,014
No, that pulls their hearts out
and stuffs it in their throats.
320
00:14:46,098 --> 00:14:47,140
-Hmm.
-[chuckles]
321
00:14:47,224 --> 00:14:49,893
You know, if you want, we can go
somewhere decent instead.
322
00:14:49,976 --> 00:14:51,353
I don't care.
323
00:14:51,436 --> 00:14:54,064
Anywhere I go with you
is the best place in the world.
324
00:14:55,357 --> 00:14:59,486
Dad, quit it. Can you get my bag
from the back?
325
00:14:59,569 --> 00:15:00,737
Sure.
326
00:15:02,364 --> 00:15:03,657
[♪ upbeat music playing]
327
00:15:03,782 --> 00:15:06,326
[grunts] What the hell? Ow!
328
00:15:06,493 --> 00:15:08,120
What are you doing-- Oh!
329
00:15:08,286 --> 00:15:10,205
-[whimpers]
-[grunts]
330
00:15:10,330 --> 00:15:11,688
-Ow! Ow! Ow!
-[grunts]
331
00:15:11,790 --> 00:15:13,417
[Malcolm]
Why would you do this to me?
332
00:15:13,500 --> 00:15:15,669
[both grunt]
333
00:15:16,294 --> 00:15:18,088
[♪ music continues]
334
00:15:19,256 --> 00:15:22,759
[Malcolm groans]
335
00:15:26,763 --> 00:15:27,931
[♪ music concludes]
336
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:29,307
I can't believe how much
337
00:15:29,391 --> 00:15:32,144
I've learned from you already,
Perfect Hal.
338
00:15:32,352 --> 00:15:33,854
I wish I was you.
339
00:15:33,937 --> 00:15:36,231
You still don't get it,
Regular Hal.
340
00:15:36,356 --> 00:15:39,359
I'm the you inside you.
341
00:15:39,443 --> 00:15:42,779
You have to start
taking care of your own needs.
342
00:15:42,863 --> 00:15:47,534
Create space for the best Hal
to grow and thrive.
343
00:15:48,452 --> 00:15:50,787
You have to let go
of the people holding you back.
344
00:15:51,580 --> 00:15:52,706
People?
345
00:15:52,831 --> 00:15:56,585
Your family, Hal.
And their constant demands.
346
00:15:56,668 --> 00:15:58,044
I love my family.
347
00:15:58,128 --> 00:16:01,673
They're termites nibbling away
at your happiness.
348
00:16:02,382 --> 00:16:05,719
Stop the nibbling, Hal.
They've got to go.
349
00:16:05,969 --> 00:16:07,471
Go where?
350
00:16:09,681 --> 00:16:14,019
[gasps]
You want me to kill them?
351
00:16:14,102 --> 00:16:16,146
New ideas can be challenging.
352
00:16:16,396 --> 00:16:18,482
And there's no growth
without pain.
353
00:16:19,524 --> 00:16:23,737
But it doesn't have to be
you feeling that pain.
354
00:16:24,571 --> 00:16:29,826
Oh, my God.
You're not Perfect Hal.
355
00:16:30,118 --> 00:16:34,498
I was just dazzled
by your socks. You're Evil Hal.
356
00:16:34,623 --> 00:16:36,416
[both grunt]
357
00:16:36,541 --> 00:16:41,129
You're nothing but
a gorgeous monster! [grunts]
358
00:16:42,172 --> 00:16:45,467
-[grunts]
-You're being ridiculous, Hal.
359
00:16:45,675 --> 00:16:46,843
[skittle crash echoes]
360
00:16:47,761 --> 00:16:49,888
-[grunts]
-You can't beat me!
361
00:16:50,013 --> 00:16:51,223
-[typewriter dings]
-[Evil Hal grunts]
362
00:16:51,306 --> 00:16:52,974
-[cat clock meows]
-[Hal grunts]
363
00:16:53,683 --> 00:16:55,268
[Hal groans]
364
00:16:57,729 --> 00:16:58,855
Hmm.
365
00:17:01,399 --> 00:17:04,361
-[Evil Hal whispers] Bang.
-[groans]
366
00:17:04,444 --> 00:17:08,281
[Evil Hal whistles]
367
00:17:08,823 --> 00:17:12,619
[Hal pants]
368
00:17:16,748 --> 00:17:17,874
[♪ music pauses]
369
00:17:19,668 --> 00:17:22,337
-[♪ music resumes]
-[groans, wheezes]
370
00:17:22,420 --> 00:17:23,505
[♪ music concludes]
371
00:17:23,630 --> 00:17:27,342
You need to grow up, Hal.
372
00:17:28,635 --> 00:17:31,388
You spent your entire life
pretending I didn't exist
373
00:17:31,471 --> 00:17:33,682
because you knew
this would happen.
374
00:17:34,182 --> 00:17:36,560
So, what do you want
to do first?
375
00:17:36,851 --> 00:17:38,436
I think we start small.
376
00:17:38,728 --> 00:17:41,940
Do the "success builds
on success" thing.
377
00:17:43,358 --> 00:17:44,859
And how about the look?
378
00:17:45,819 --> 00:17:48,613
Let's go with darker colors,
huh?
379
00:17:51,199 --> 00:17:54,327
-I love you.
-What?
380
00:17:55,579 --> 00:17:56,621
[chuckles softly]
381
00:17:59,583 --> 00:18:00,750
I love you.
382
00:18:01,835 --> 00:18:02,961
[scoffs]
383
00:18:04,796 --> 00:18:08,675
-You're terrified of me.
-No, I'm not.
384
00:18:09,509 --> 00:18:12,345
Well, there's nothing scary
about you.
385
00:18:13,597 --> 00:18:16,391
I don't blame Fear.
He was trying his best, but...
386
00:18:16,975 --> 00:18:19,686
hiding you away from me
just made you seem
387
00:18:20,562 --> 00:18:21,855
more powerful than you are.
388
00:18:21,980 --> 00:18:23,732
[voice pitch rising]
I am powerful!
389
00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:29,112
No, you're needy
and insubstantial, and--
390
00:18:29,446 --> 00:18:31,656
-Well, delicate.
-[pitch rises higher] Stop this!
391
00:18:31,740 --> 00:18:35,285
One tiny little tile
of the mosaic of me.
392
00:18:35,785 --> 00:18:38,747
Oh, I have hundreds
of different little Hals
393
00:18:38,872 --> 00:18:40,498
inside me telling me things.
394
00:18:41,541 --> 00:18:43,877
That's why
I'm so easily confused.
395
00:18:44,002 --> 00:18:45,170
[Evil Hal in squeaky voice]
No! No!
396
00:18:45,253 --> 00:18:46,921
-You'll be okay.
-[Evil Hal] No!
397
00:18:47,047 --> 00:18:48,632
You'll have lots
of little friends.
398
00:18:49,007 --> 00:18:51,343
-[Evil Hal screams] No!
-Oh, there, there.
399
00:18:51,635 --> 00:18:53,803
I got you, buddy. Here.
400
00:18:55,972 --> 00:18:57,349
[Manjushri]
Congratulations, Hal.
401
00:18:57,432 --> 00:18:58,433
Ooh!
402
00:18:58,558 --> 00:19:01,895
You vanquished the inner demon
and cast off false duality.
403
00:19:02,020 --> 00:19:03,188
Well done.
404
00:19:03,605 --> 00:19:06,066
Bodhisattva Manjushri
Kamarabhuta?
405
00:19:06,650 --> 00:19:08,610
[clicks tongue]
Call me Arapachana.
406
00:19:09,694 --> 00:19:13,239
How would I know who you are?
I wouldn't know that.
407
00:19:13,365 --> 00:19:16,368
It's the collective unconscious.
Jung has a--
408
00:19:16,701 --> 00:19:17,869
It's boring, don't worry
about it.
409
00:19:18,495 --> 00:19:20,580
What's important is
that you are now worthy
410
00:19:20,664 --> 00:19:22,123
of meeting your animal partner.
411
00:19:22,207 --> 00:19:25,585
They will be your guide,
your mentor, and your guardian.
412
00:19:25,669 --> 00:19:28,171
Where? [shrieks]
413
00:19:28,338 --> 00:19:30,799
-[squeaks]
-What is that?
414
00:19:30,882 --> 00:19:33,301
[squeaks]
415
00:19:33,385 --> 00:19:35,970
Can't I get a wolf or a panther?
416
00:19:36,054 --> 00:19:38,014
No one chooses
their animal partner.
417
00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:39,391
It chooses you.
418
00:19:39,557 --> 00:19:41,309
I mean,
I have a 12-foot blue lion,
419
00:19:41,434 --> 00:19:42,602
but they're all great.
420
00:19:44,896 --> 00:19:46,314
It's leading you somewhere.
421
00:19:47,357 --> 00:19:49,025
-But...
-Hey, I'm not making you
422
00:19:49,109 --> 00:19:51,361
do the mantras or contemplate
the five skandhas.
423
00:19:51,528 --> 00:19:54,322
I'm not making you achieve
an inconceivable state
424
00:19:54,406 --> 00:19:55,782
without obstruction or form.
425
00:19:55,865 --> 00:19:57,075
We're cutting
a lot of corners here,
426
00:19:57,158 --> 00:19:58,952
so just follow the rat.
427
00:19:59,661 --> 00:20:01,830
-[♪ playful instrumental music playing]
-[rat squeals]
428
00:20:01,913 --> 00:20:03,498
[Hal pants]
429
00:20:08,211 --> 00:20:13,508
-[rat squeals]
-[pants]
430
00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:16,511
Rat friend?
431
00:20:18,263 --> 00:20:19,472
[♪ music concludes]
432
00:20:43,913 --> 00:20:49,252
[♪ whimsical instrumental music
playing]
433
00:20:55,008 --> 00:20:59,804
-[gasps, chuckles]
-[♪ music continues]
434
00:21:01,556 --> 00:21:02,682
[gasps]
435
00:21:06,936 --> 00:21:08,980
[gasps, chuckles]
436
00:21:11,191 --> 00:21:16,905
That's it! That's it! I get it!
437
00:21:18,114 --> 00:21:20,867
[shouts] Yes!
438
00:21:20,950 --> 00:21:22,160
[♪ music concludes]
439
00:21:22,243 --> 00:21:25,205
Okay, each of you, tell me again
what you're doing tomorrow.
440
00:21:25,330 --> 00:21:27,457
Mom, come on, it's late.
We're tired.
441
00:21:27,540 --> 00:21:29,834
We've gone over it.
We know what our jobs are.
442
00:21:29,918 --> 00:21:31,961
Stop treating us
like half-witted toddlers.
443
00:21:32,045 --> 00:21:33,379
This isn't about you
doing your jobs.
444
00:21:33,463 --> 00:21:35,757
This is about managing
my anxiety.
445
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:37,342
I can't find your father,
446
00:21:37,425 --> 00:21:40,470
and they sent me pillar candles
instead of taper candles,
447
00:21:40,553 --> 00:21:43,097
so now I have to shave them
into the proper shape,
448
00:21:43,223 --> 00:21:45,975
and wax is not
a forgiving medium.
449
00:21:46,184 --> 00:21:49,062
I mean, look at this.
That's too tapered!
450
00:21:49,896 --> 00:21:53,107
Obviously, I am losing it,
so please, let's just do this,
451
00:21:53,191 --> 00:21:54,818
and then you can go
to sleep. Kelly.
452
00:21:55,276 --> 00:21:57,695
Blow up balloons, then make sure
the tables are completely set
453
00:21:57,821 --> 00:21:59,322
before I put out the favor bags.
454
00:21:59,405 --> 00:22:00,406
-Piama.
-Check the rentals
455
00:22:00,490 --> 00:22:02,367
against your list.
Verify there are no scratches
456
00:22:02,450 --> 00:22:04,828
or dents before I give
those crooks one red cent.
457
00:22:04,953 --> 00:22:06,621
-Francis.
-Make sure all 50 parking spaces
458
00:22:06,704 --> 00:22:08,748
are clear.
Set up a separate supply area
459
00:22:08,832 --> 00:22:10,959
and signage
for your signature cocktails,
460
00:22:11,125 --> 00:22:13,169
the Fuzzy Lois
and the Halgarita.
461
00:22:13,294 --> 00:22:15,922
-I'll keep working on the names.
-Thank you!
462
00:22:16,923 --> 00:22:18,424
[Kelly] Halgarita, really?
463
00:22:20,593 --> 00:22:22,679
-Hello.
-[Leah] Hi, Grandma. It's Leah.
464
00:22:22,804 --> 00:22:23,972
I've got great news.
465
00:22:24,138 --> 00:22:25,557
We're coming to your party
after all.
466
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,767
Dad just changed his mind
out of the blue.
467
00:22:27,892 --> 00:22:30,520
-See you there.
-[groans] Please slow down.
468
00:22:30,895 --> 00:22:32,689
I promise I won't try
to jump out again.
469
00:22:32,814 --> 00:22:35,316
It's eleven more hours
to Grandma and Grandpa's.
470
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:36,860
-We're not slowing down.
-[groans]
471
00:22:36,943 --> 00:22:38,403
Oh, move a little that way.
472
00:22:38,486 --> 00:22:39,863
You're gonna get blood
on my dress.
473
00:22:40,029 --> 00:22:42,115
That dress is a really good
color for you.
474
00:22:42,198 --> 00:22:44,617
Thank you. And you're gonna
look amazing
475
00:22:44,701 --> 00:22:46,828
in your outfit,
like a hot 18-year-old.
476
00:22:46,911 --> 00:22:49,497
-[both chuckle]
-This is insanity!
477
00:22:49,664 --> 00:22:51,833
You've committed
an actual kidnapping!
478
00:22:52,458 --> 00:22:54,210
Does this mean
we're back together?
479
00:22:54,669 --> 00:22:56,921
This is an intervention.
480
00:22:57,005 --> 00:22:58,381
You're addicted to being
an idiot
481
00:22:58,464 --> 00:22:59,799
and we are helping you.
482
00:23:00,174 --> 00:23:01,593
You can't spend the rest
of your life
483
00:23:01,676 --> 00:23:05,054
lying and hiding and denying
your family even exists.
484
00:23:05,138 --> 00:23:06,556
It worked perfectly
until they showed up.
485
00:23:06,639 --> 00:23:09,517
But Dad, stop. Please, stop.
486
00:23:09,601 --> 00:23:12,103
You're not protecting me
from your family drama.
487
00:23:12,353 --> 00:23:14,022
You're the one keeping it going.
488
00:23:14,105 --> 00:23:17,025
I'm trying to be a good father.
I don't know...
489
00:23:17,984 --> 00:23:21,279
If I should know something
and you keep it a secret,
490
00:23:21,738 --> 00:23:25,283
you aren't saving me,
you're stealing from me.
491
00:23:25,700 --> 00:23:30,204
My choice, my self-respect,
my trust in you.
492
00:23:30,747 --> 00:23:32,874
Daddy, I need
all of those things.
493
00:23:32,999 --> 00:23:35,627
[♪ pop song playing over radio]
494
00:23:35,752 --> 00:23:40,506
Oh, my God. You're right.
You're completely right.
495
00:23:41,132 --> 00:23:43,051
I am so sorry.
496
00:23:44,594 --> 00:23:45,970
I should have told you..
497
00:23:47,555 --> 00:23:49,807
All this secrecy
is just so toxic.
498
00:23:50,141 --> 00:23:54,437
[♪ song continues]
499
00:23:55,063 --> 00:23:57,398
Twelve years ago, I was arrested
for attempted murder.
500
00:23:57,941 --> 00:23:59,817
-Whoa!
-Y... You what?
501
00:23:59,943 --> 00:24:02,153
I didn't think
it was important to tell you
502
00:24:02,236 --> 00:24:03,446
until we were serious,
503
00:24:03,529 --> 00:24:05,031
and then with your whole
political thing,
504
00:24:05,156 --> 00:24:06,950
I just didn't know
how to bring it up.
505
00:24:07,492 --> 00:24:10,495
And it wasn't even murder.
I mean, I totally got off.
506
00:24:10,578 --> 00:24:13,706
You tried to murder someone?
[gasps]
507
00:24:13,957 --> 00:24:15,500
My mom was dating this guy
508
00:24:15,583 --> 00:24:18,294
and one time he beat her up,
and I got him arrested.
509
00:24:18,836 --> 00:24:22,173
But all of his buddies were cops
and he got out the next morning.
510
00:24:22,256 --> 00:24:25,301
He came straight to my apartment
and kicked my door in,
511
00:24:25,385 --> 00:24:27,595
-and I shot him.
-You know how to shoot people?
512
00:24:27,679 --> 00:24:29,555
-[Malcolm pants]
-Obviously!
513
00:24:30,556 --> 00:24:32,642
When the cops came,
Jenna, my roommate,
514
00:24:32,725 --> 00:24:34,310
told them what happened,
but all of his buddies
515
00:24:34,394 --> 00:24:36,229
believed him,
and I got arrested.
516
00:24:36,354 --> 00:24:37,897
-[scoffs] Cops.
-Yeah.
517
00:24:38,064 --> 00:24:39,357
Yeah. It took a couple of weeks
518
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:40,650
for everyone
to figure out the truth
519
00:24:40,733 --> 00:24:41,985
and dismiss the charges.
520
00:24:42,110 --> 00:24:43,695
And by the way,
it took me a lot of work
521
00:24:43,820 --> 00:24:45,321
to finally get
my arrest record sealed.
522
00:24:45,446 --> 00:24:46,656
Okay. [exhales]
523
00:24:47,949 --> 00:24:49,575
But it did get
in some newspapers.
524
00:24:50,451 --> 00:24:52,078
And all over the internet.
525
00:24:53,246 --> 00:24:56,874
Because I was naked
when I shot him. In the balls.
526
00:24:58,376 --> 00:25:01,045
You cannot lose this woman.
527
00:25:01,879 --> 00:25:04,674
Wait. I remember.
528
00:25:05,883 --> 00:25:09,512
-You're "Titty-Titty-Bang-Bang"?
-[chuckles]
529
00:25:10,304 --> 00:25:13,307
[♪ upbeat music playing]
530
00:25:14,559 --> 00:25:17,603
-[gasps]
-Drugs? Drugs?
531
00:25:17,687 --> 00:25:21,858
-The party is tonight!
-Honey, I have great news!
532
00:25:21,983 --> 00:25:24,027
-Get in the car!
-[Hal grunts]
533
00:25:25,570 --> 00:25:28,114
If it's not one damn thing
it's another.
534
00:25:31,701 --> 00:25:34,287
You are not going to beat me!
535
00:25:34,704 --> 00:25:36,706
I had the most amazing
breakthrough.
536
00:25:36,789 --> 00:25:39,042
-Not now. Carl, you still there?
-[Carl] Yeah.
537
00:25:39,167 --> 00:25:40,835
You delivered
the wrong projector.
538
00:25:41,002 --> 00:25:45,048
I specifically asked for 4K
at 2700 lumens.
539
00:25:45,173 --> 00:25:47,216
You sent 2000 lumens at 1080p.
540
00:25:47,300 --> 00:25:48,468
[Carl] What the hellare you talking about?
541
00:25:48,551 --> 00:25:51,220
I figured it out.
No one realizes it,
542
00:25:51,304 --> 00:25:53,973
but I'm their birthday cake.
543
00:25:54,057 --> 00:25:56,726
Everyone can take slices
of happiness from me
544
00:25:56,809 --> 00:25:59,896
whenever they want.
And I never run out of slices.
545
00:26:00,146 --> 00:26:03,441
That's who I am.
I'm an inexhaustible cake.
546
00:26:03,524 --> 00:26:05,151
-You're not a cake. Carl?
-[Carl] Yep?
547
00:26:05,234 --> 00:26:09,906
Here it is. Contract.
Page 2, item 10 63.
548
00:26:10,073 --> 00:26:11,949
I want the right projector,
Carl.
549
00:26:12,033 --> 00:26:13,743
Honey, are you worried
about that herd of buffalo
550
00:26:13,826 --> 00:26:15,244
-coming up on your left?
-[Lois] Sweetheart, please.
551
00:26:15,328 --> 00:26:17,580
-I'm busy.
-Okay, but they look kind of peevish.
552
00:26:22,502 --> 00:26:24,545
[driver] I'm sorry.
Are you guys all right?
553
00:26:24,879 --> 00:26:27,673
[Hal bellows like a buffalo]
554
00:26:28,216 --> 00:26:30,760
Don't worry, honey,
I'm establishing dominance.
555
00:26:33,262 --> 00:26:34,305
Honey?
556
00:26:34,430 --> 00:26:36,224
[♪ rock music playing,
They Might Be Giants "Boss Of Me"]
557
00:26:36,307 --> 00:26:38,142
♪ Yeah, no, maybe ♪
558
00:26:38,601 --> 00:26:40,645
♪ I don't know ♪
559
00:26:40,770 --> 00:26:43,731
♪ Can you repeatthe question? ♪
560
00:26:43,856 --> 00:26:46,109
♪ You're not the bossof me now ♪
561
00:26:46,192 --> 00:26:48,444
♪ You're not the bossof me now ♪
562
00:26:48,528 --> 00:26:50,238
♪ You're not the bossof me now ♪
563
00:26:50,363 --> 00:26:53,241
♪ And you're not so big ♪
564
00:26:53,366 --> 00:26:54,575
[♪ music concludes]
565
00:26:57,370 --> 00:26:58,371
[male voice] Yeah.
43043
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