Original subtitles

[Sighs]

[Distant clanging]

[Breathing heavily]

[Exhales]

Ohh!

Agh!

- Testing! - Aah!

Robin: Ohh! Ohh! Aah!

Alison: Yah!

Captain: Well, that seems pretty conclusive.

She can also hear us.

[Alison groaning]

[Snoring]

Clear!

♪ This room gonna get some DIY ♪

Fanny: Aah!

Mike: ♪ DIY ♪

What is this impudence?!

[Drill whirring]

This is my room, do you hear me? My room!

What sort of heathen just barges in on a lady

while she's sleeping?

Whh, whh, whh, whh!

[Drill whirs]

Fanny: What on Earth is going on?

♪ Daddy gonna drill a hole in the wall ♪

Fanny: Daddy is not drilling any holes in any--

[Drilling]

beyond the pale!

No. What are you do--

[Drilling drowns out voice]

Ohh!

Oh, you have got to be joking.

Alison: Mike! Mike: Er, uh...

Kitty: Oh! This looks fun!

I'm going to call it the smile hole.

Hello, Lady Button! Morning!

Alison: Mike! Fanny: No, no, no!

You can't just leave it like this.

Where are you going? You can't just leave it.

So what's your favorite morning song?

I think mine is...

♪ There's a lark in the bushel at the corner of the ♪

Alison: Mike!

Mike: Uh...

[Ghosts all talking at once]

Alison: They're back! Mike: Who?

Them!

[Ghost voices stop]

Uh...

Aah!

Don't shriek, you ill-bred hen.

It is unseemly for a lady to--aah!

Him! Cover that up at once, you beastly wretch!

I refuse to be taunted in my own home

by that lying, cheating...

Julian: Ex-husband. You know how it is.

[Alison whimpers]

- Oh, we're the same height! - Do you need a tea?

Thomas: Lady coming through! Robin: Hey! Don't touch!

Kitty: What's your favorite color?

Fanny: Tell that cow-handed buffoon...

[All talking at once]

Oh, I do wish they wouldn't do that!

Mike: Aly! Alison: There's a cave one,

and there's an army one, and there's one with no pants on.

- I'm the first from Cambridge! - And the first from Cambridge.

Mike: OK, OK. I know it may seem very real,

but remember what they said at the hospital, yeah?

"May experience visual disturbances."

Alison: But I can hear them, too.

And my Uncle Graeme, he thought he could smell toast,

but you know what?

There was no toast.

He was having a stroke! He--he died, Mike.

OK, bad example. I'm just saying think about it.

What's more likely, that you can see ghosts

or that you're still suffering from severe concussion?

Ghosts: Ghosts.

Concussion.

[Ghosts sigh]

Mike: Exactly. You don't just walk away from...

Robin, you've been here a while.

Have you ever seen anything like this before?

One time, yes, but was a bear.

Ooga. Bear was like, "Raargh!" and I'm like, "Argh!"

and then he like, "Ooga! Hurr, hurr!"

And I'm like, "Ooh! Voo! Ha ha ha!"

And the bear's like, "Ha ha ha!"

[Grunting]

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

You had to be there.

- Rare, then. - Or magic?

Mary: Black magic.

Kitty: Perhaps she's just special.

Thomas: Indeed she is.

Mike: And you'll be back to your old self in no time.

Just give it a few days, yeah?

OK.

OK? Yep.

So, Mike, what are you up to?

Well, I'm hooking up all the stuff

that we can't live without.

So like heating and hot water and...

TV, but the boiler's next on the list!

[Clattering]

After that.

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

No, but Google does, so we're golden.

Wowee. That's quite the encyclopedia.

It's got to be, what, two CD-ROMs min.

Mike: It's all under control here,

so why don't you go and relax?

Have yourself a nice war--tepid bath.

Alison: I'd like that. Thomas: I'd like that.

Alison: Ohh!

One of them just said what I said.

Mike: See? It's all in your head.

Just give it a few days, yeah?

Now go on. Bath.

[Clattering]

[Sighs]

Robin: Ohh! Oog! Fanny: Oh, dear.

Captain: Clearly, this changes things.

By some quirk of fate, it would seem the new Lady Button--

Fanny: She's no lady and no Button.

Captain: Well, whoever she is, she can now both see

and hear us, which opens up some intriguing possibilities,

chiefly the potential for a full-frontal assault.

Order them to leave face-to-face.

Yes!

Well, conversings with the dead be witchcraft.

People been burned at the stake for less.

Thomas: Yes, Except of course she isn't truly

conversing, is she?

She may give ear to my overtures,

but, alas, she is yet to respond to any of us.

Robin: She spoke to me. Thomas: What?

No, she did not.

Robin: Did. Said, "Aah!"

Pat: I don't think that's a word, Robin.

Captain: No. Robin: 'Tis.

I had cousin. That's all he said.

Captain: She's not conversing because Mr. Sledgehammer

up there has convinced her we are just figments

of her imagination,

which is why we need a change of tactics.

We work in shifts.

Campaign of attrition. Guerrilla war.

[Robin exhales]

Gorilla always win.

Why is it always about war with you?

[Muttering]

You know, what's wrong with a nice hello?

Maybe show them around.

Then we could all sit down and have a nice friendly chat

about this whole hotel business.

Kitty: It is nice to be friendly.

- Ideally more than friendly. - Ugh.

Captain: Befriended by you lot?

I can't think of anything more annoying.

In fact, you know what? Do that!

Yeah, good plan. That'll send them running.

Julian: Perhaps I should handle the negotiations.

Robin: Huh?

Well, I did, after all, resolve the Arabian crisis of '91.

Captain: What, you stopped a war?

Julian: No, I stopped a crisis

by starting a war, as it happens,

but, you know, that's not the point.

The point is I was lead envoy in the negotiations.

Utter toffee.

You couldn't negotiate your way out of a corn maze.

How dare you!

I'm a respected politician and diplomat,

and I will not have my credentials called into question

by some work-shy Bohemian.

That treaty was my legacy.

[Ghosts tittering]

Robin: "Legacy."

Oh, yeah, oh, very, very funny.

Fine! I'll prove it to you!

Mmm. Yeah. Ho ho!

You'll see.

[Distant banging]

Imagine that slammed!

Mike: ♪ Daddy's gonna give it some DIY ♪

♪ Some DIY ♪

Right. I'll show them.

[Grunting]

[Gasps]

That's better.

No, no, no, no, no! That's worse!

Kitty: This is awful!

I shall write to the owners, but where's my quill?

Maybe I left it downstairs.

Oh, brick it up, you oaf.

I refuse to spend eternity in the company of a halfwit.

Kitty: I thought we were friends!

Friends are peers and intellectual equals, Kitty.

We are neither.

Kitty: Fine! Then I'm not letting you go in my canoe.

I just...

Right, then.

Old boiler.

[Grunting]

This'll learn those berks.

[Groaning]

Err!

Hmm.

[Electricity crackles]

Ah. There's nothing to be scared of.

[Ghosts murmuring]

♪ Daddy gonna fix the boiler now ♪

Hmm.

♪ YouTube gonna show Daddy how ♪

- Ooh! - YouTube.

[Ding]

[Ding ding ding]

[Ding]

Come on!

[Ding ding ding ding]

Ugh!

Man: Oh, it's not playing ball, is it?

[Ghosts murmuring]

- What's he doing? - Oh, no, Daddy.

No, you need to prime the inlet pump,

open the induction loop, repressurize the system,

then connect the gas feed,

and then ignite--or just hit it with a hammer.

- Unbelievable. - Technophobe.

Yeah.

Captain: Right. It's going to take a sustained assault

to grind her down, so we'll take it in shifts.

Thomas: I'll go first! We have a connection,

a frisson, if you will.

Pat: Maybe I should go first,

you know, let her know the lay of the land.

No. This is a military campaign,

and I'm not the sort to bring up the rear.

No, I'll go first.

Ugh!

And then you, Pat, and then Mary,

and--Good heavens.

What on Earth is that?

Ah, now, that is the front bit of a television.

I don't know where the back bit is,

but that's the front!

Extraordinary.

- Any luck with the boiler? - Nah, not really.

It's in a pretty bad way.

Looks like some idiot has taken a hammer to it.

I'll have a look at it tomorrow.

Connect this one to the one from the roof,

and we should get a picture.

Captain: Right. Over the top we go!

Now look here.

As a officer of His Majesty's Armed Forces...

[Alison whistling tune]

it is my duty to inform you that you are considered

an enemy insurgent and you should surrender

your territories to incumbent forces

with immediate effect or face the prospect--

Alison: ♪ La la la la... ♪

Captain: OK. Mm-hmm. Very good.

I see what you're doing.

♪ La la la la la... ♪

Ahem. Two can play at that game!

[Grunts]

♪ I am the very model of a modern Major-General ♪

♪ I've information vegeta... ♪

♪ ble, animal, and mineral ♪

♪ I know the kings of England, and I quote ♪

♪ The fights historical ♪ [Turning up volume]

♪ From Marathon to Waterloo

♪ In order categorical ♪

You can run, but you can't...

Hello to you.

Hello! Ha ha ha! And welcome!

On behalf of me and my fellow dead people,

may I just say--oh, straight on to the tour. OK!

On your left is the master's chamber,

or "chambre"--that's French.

Wait!

You beautiful girl.

[Grunting]

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

TV Announcer: Up next, "Hitler's Secret Superweapons."

Oh, good Chr-- I mean, it's Christmas.

It's Christmas morning!

Alison?

TV Announcer: Rommel was quick to press his advantage.

Aly?

What the bally hell do you think you're doing, sir?

What have you done with the tanks?

You turn that back on this instant.

Where are you going?

If you were dead, I would thrash your bottom, sir!

Pat: And there's been a settlement on this site

Pat: for well over... Robin: Boo!

Alison: Ohh! Pat: a while now, although

this part of the building... Alison: You're not real.

Pat: Well, we're not alive, but we are--

I can't hear you.

Well, clearly you can because--

No, I can't.

Well, it's just, you keep answering me.

- No, I don't. - So why--

My turn?

Sorry, Tom, Captain said that Mary's next.

Mary: Get out my way, you soppy bit o' rag.

Good luck, although she's not much

of a one for chitchat.

Oh, don't you worries about me.

I've got something up my sleeves.

Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out,

get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.

Robin: Boo! Alison: Oh, my, God!

Boo! Heh heh heh. Classic.

[Grunts]

Yes, to replace the boiler.

So it needs amending, my entry,

to reflect my political achievements.

What did you say? Sorry?

There's plenty who've done worse than I did,

- believe you me. - My phone number is...

The MP for Whatley got horses involved.

0-7-9...

- Yeah, that's plural! Horses! - 0-7-9--0-7-9--sorry.

It was the shire ones as well, you, know, the ones

with the flares?

Can I call you back?

A lady employs a knife and fork.

A lady pinches. Whores use rouge.

A lady does not hold a carrot like that.

[Slam]

A lady wouldn't tell me to do that to myself! Aah!

Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out,

get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.

[Sighs]

Mary: Get out, get out, get out...

Mike: No better?

Mary: get out, get out, get out, get out...

Just give it till morning.

I'm sure it'll pass.

Mary: get out, get out, get out, get out!

[Clock chiming]

[Alison sighs]

Captain: ♪ I am the very model of a modern Major-General ♪

♪ I've information, vegetable, animal, and mineral ♪

♪ I know the kings of England and I quote ♪

♪ The fights historical ♪

♪ From Marathon to Waterloo ♪

♪ In order categorical ♪

♪ Ba da ba ba ba ba ♪

Oh, God.

- Boo! - Aah!

I don't even feel the cold! Ha ha ha!

I am a strong, sane woman.

He'd crafted it from a rubber glove

and was using the gravy as lubricant.

Challenges only make me stronger.

Julian: You can imagine the jokes

about "the Chancellor's red box,"

And then there was this Liberal fellow,

well, you can imagine what he got up to.

He was caught in a sailors' sauna,

and he was not there to learn about boats.

Mary: Get out, get out, get out, get out.

Get out!

- Oh! - Alone at last.

Alison: Aah!

- Alison! - Oh, God!

A moment, please, I beg of you.

You're in my head.

And you in mine, my sweet!

What are we doing?

You're married, I'm dead.

It can never work, can it?

Maybe it can. Like Romeo And Juliet

but specifically the bit where he's already dead

and she kills herself to be with him?

Alison: Wha--I--ohh.

Thomas: I am too bold. Forgive me.

Accurse my impetuous loins!

You're not yet free of that buffle-headed bobtail.

I'll wait for you, my comely nug.

Though some idea of timescale would be--

no, I understand, this is all happening so fast.

I can wait!

Lord knows I've had the practice.

[Groaning]

- Come on, man! - I'm trying!

Captain: Well, try harder, man!

Alison: Ohh! Captain: You!

I demand you reactivate this device with immediate effect!

Julian: Any joy with the people from Goggle?

Pat: Me again! Today, I thought we could do halls

and common passageways.

Mary: Get out, get out, get out, get out...

Thomas: Darling, there you are.

Now, I know I said no pressure, but...

None of it is real. None of it is real.

- A lady doesn't mumble. - Ohh! God!

- Boo! - Aah!

Don't suppose you've seen a body anywhere?

Is that a no?

[Breathing deeply]

[Kitty giggling]

Will you be my friend?

Ohh! Ohh!

[Ghosts all talking at once]

Hyaaaaaah!

Do you think it's something we said?

Man on video: And press the hilt of the venturi...

Mike: What is a venturi?

Man on video: into the domed brass union.

Mike: What's a union?!

Man on video: Now what you have to do here is

wait for the green light.

Don't panic. It takes maybe 10, 20 seconds.

Mike: Oh, that's good.

Oh, that's bad.

Alison: Mike! Mike: Jesus, you scared me!

It's no good. I need to go and get some--

Holy Mary Mother of God!

- Oh, my God. - What's wrong?

Alison: "What's wrong"?! The room is full of zombies!

- Donkeys? - Donkeys?

Honey, I promise you it isn't.

Then I have to go back to the hospital

and get some drugs or some therapy or a bang

on the other side of my head or whatever it takes

to stop me from seeing the cast of "The Night Of The Dead"

every single time I walk into a room!

It's "Night Of The Living De"-- not now.

I can't go on like this, OK?

So you either drive me to the hospital right now,

or I drive myself.

[Whispering] And I see things that aren't there!

Ghost: Well, we are.

I'll get my keys.

Ohh. Red lever.

[Ghosts shouting, "Red lever"]

[Gas hissing]

Alison: Aah! Aah!

What now? Aly?! What's wrong?

[Alison screaming]

Ghosts: Red lever! Alison: Red lever!

Mike: Red lever?

[Sniffing]

Oh! On it!

[Hissing stops]

[Ghosts cheering]

[Ghosts groan]

Ghost: Oh, what?

[Car horn beeping]

How did you know about the red--

Maybe we should go.

Yeah, yeah, we're going.

No, no, no, I mean away from here.

Just move out.

- It just doesn't feel right. - What?

Why would you say that?

[Ghosts all talking at once]

- It's hard to put my finger on. - All right.

Just one thing at a time, yeah?

We'll talk about this later.

Ooh! Electric windows!

- Get out of here! - OK, OK!

[Ghosts shouting]

I say. Well, fascinating,

but you don't see them now, do you?

Not since we left the house.

- Maybe I'm on the mend! - Mmm.

Yes, I know how loans work sort of.

Woman: As I've said before, sir...

But surely if we just give you the money back, then we can--

Woman: cannot end the agreement now.

- Yes. - Do you see?

Yes, I see.

Do you think it was related to the accident?

- Oh, yes, undoubtedly. - Oh, good.

So it should just stop happening as I heal?

Well, my diagnosis, based on what you've told me,

is that your accident left you so close to death yourself

you're now able to see dead people.

- What do you mean? - Well, can you see me?

- Yes, I can. - Exactly.

I'm dead.

So sorry to have kept you.

Oh, she's very good.

- Ohh! - What can I do for you?

All right, listen to what I'm--

Alison: Aah! Mike: Wait.

Alison: The doctor's dead! Woman: Sir?

I just--I don't understand.

If it's come back, then why not accept the sedatives?

I mean, they might help with--

Because back at the house I see

the same faces every day,

but at the hospital, completely different ones.

Different places, different faces.

Why would my brain do that?

- OK, that is-- - It wouldn't

because they're not in here.

They're out there.

[Ghosts all talking at once]

Alison: Right. We're selling up.

We'll buy a little new-build,

one of those soulless little boxes I've always hated.

One bed's fine.

Just somewhere with absolutely no past whatsoever.

Mike: Right. Yeah. It's just...

OK. Well, I don't want you to get mad.

- Am I going to get mad? - Yes.

I spoke to the loan people

and with the prepayment penalties

and--well, long story short, getting out now

would probably bankrupt us,

and I only added "probably" to make it sound better.

Didn't you read the contracts?!

I gave them what I'd call a lengthy skim.

Oh, Mike, I could kill you!

Thomas: Ooh! Good idea!

Though maybe not here just because he might...

[Ghosts all talking at once]

Right!

Well, there's only one thing for it, isn't there?

Fine! I see you, OK?

I see Major-General Can't-Sing,

I see Captain Caveprick, I see all of you, OK?

You win! Mission accomplished!

I admit your existence.

Now what the hell do you want?!

Captain: We want you out of this house!

Fanny: Yes, you do not belong here!

Alison: That's tough, isn't it,

because thanks to my resident mortgage advisor,

we're stuck here!

Mike: OK. You're officially freaking me out.

- So how about you leave? - We can't leave.

Mary: You sort of just stays where you dies.

Thomas: And how you dies--died!

Pat: It's your classic haunted house.

Mike: Er, Alison-- Alison: Whoa. Right.

So I can't go, and you can't go.

So what will it take

to get you all just out of my face, huh?

What do you want? What do you actually want?!

Specifically, you.

Right! I'll tell you what we want.

We demand that...

one hour a week of the thing about tanks

and anything on superweapons, please.

- Thank you. - Done! Next.

It feels like I should call someone.

Who you gonna call?! You, Sourpuss.

Remove my husband's portrait and fill the hole in my wall!

Done. You?

Divorce him, kill yourself, marry me.

- No. - To which bit?

- You? - I just wanted to say hello!

- Hello! - Oh, hello.

And on behalf of myself, and my fellow ghosts--

Listen. I want those slanderous beggars at Goggle

to amend my entry for the next edition.

- I am a respectable-- - It doesn't work like that.

- It's the Internet. - Right,

and where are they based?

It's, like, everywhere

in every house in the country, in the world.

Julian: You mean every person on the planet just thinks

of me as the weirdo MP who died in some sex scandal?

- That was you?! - What? No!

Ha ha ha! I don't want anything, actually.

Who's next?

Renounce Satan, witch!

Um, OK!

Yeah, yeah, that's probably done it.

Alison: And what about you, Budget Tarzan?

What do you want?

- Oh, nothing, thanks. - Nothing?

So you just spent--

so you just spent the last 3 days hiding

in every little, tiny, little, dark corner

in this entire house, scaring me out of my mind,

for no reason?!

Well, it was something to do.

Kitty: My turn! I think we've got a lot in common.

Mike: OK. So I've just Googled "psychotic break,"

and I'm not saying that this is one,

but it's just an article that I think you should have a--

Mike, this isn't-- can you just come with me?

All of you!

Julian: Where are you going?

Alison: To shut you all up.

Robin: Horsey to go dooka-dakka-deeko.

Alison: Dooka-dakka-deeko.

Robin: OK, you go.

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"

Even more softly.

[Mouthing words]

When's our sleepover again?

- Eighth of March. - And what is it now?

- June. - Oh! So exciting!

Julian: How long's this on for?

I need to contact this Vicky Pedia.

Captain: Shh! Shh!

Ah, well played.

Perhaps there is some Button blood

in those veins after all.

Well, I'm not sure I buy all this,

but I've moved the painting.

Alison: And bricked up the hole?

Yeah, I filled the hole.

[Humming]

Aah! Oh, this will not stand!

Mike: Well, you seem happier.

The good news is I'm not mad.

That's a relief. What's the bad news?

[Ghosts all shouting]

They are.

[Tapping]

Alison!

Turn the right-hand dial horizontal...

and press the ignition.

Hey!

OK. I believe you,

and, um, thank you?

They say you're welcome.

"They"?

You mean there's two of them?!

[Ghosts murmuring]

Yes.