Original subtitles

[Birds cawing]

[Wind blowing]

[Metal creaking]

[Water dripping]

[Leaves rustling]

[Wood creaking]

[Wheezing]

Man: It won't be long now.

She had a tremendous innings.

At least she's comfortable.

Man: Yeah. There are worse ways to go.

Woman: Well, this is it. Man: You're telling me.

Woman: You can say that again.

- Right. - Right.

Shh! I think it's happening!

- Ohh! - Stand by.

Shh.

[Gasping]

Man: I think she's going.

Woman: Oh, I do hope she stays.

- Tenner says she stays. - Deal.

Head: I can't see anything. Can you lift me up a bit?

Err!

[Thud]

Oh, not this again.

Who are you?

Woman: I am the ghost of your great grandmother.

Man: We are those poor spirits who dwell on,

compelled for reasons unknown.

Eh, she's gone.

- Ehh. - Bloody cow.

- Good on her actually. - What's going on?

All I can see is shoes.

- You owe me 10. - Oh. No, no. Heh.

If you listened to what I actually said--

- Oh, don't you start. - Guys, if you please!

Perhaps one of us should say a few words.

Yes. I'll do it. Ahem.

Bagsy her room.

- She's only just died. - Oh, come on.

- Honestly. - Ohh!

I'll wait till they've taken her away of course.

She was the last Button of Button House.

Young man: The final Button died today,

though where she goes, we cannot say.

Man: Oh, he's off again.

Young man: It seems but only yesterday...

Head: Hey. Come on. Don't go without me, stupid body.

Her life was 'twas like a play,

but with no children of her own,

who then will come to call this home?

Woman: Well, it's bigger than the place we're renting.

Man: It's slightly overbudget, but, uh...

Woman: Does it have a garden?

No, but the downstairs flat's got one you can look at, so...

- Yeah? - Oh.

[Cell phone playing ringtone]

Oh, sorry. One second.

Hello? Clasey Hughes Estates.

- Nice view of the street. - Yeah.

Both: "Buddy's Fish 'n' Pizza."

Well, we do like both those things.

Hmm.

- It's rubbish, isn't it? - Yep.

- It's so bad. - It's awful, and I hate it.

- Sorry. - Nah. Fair enough.

I wouldn't want to live here either.

[Cell phone ringing]

Woman: Hello? Man: Oh, hello.

Is that Alison Cooper?

- Speaking. - I'm calling about a house.

We're only looking at flats. We can't afford to buy a house.

Man: No. This one's not for sale.

Well, then why are you calling?

God, I hate estate agents.

Apart from the good ones like you.

[Cell phone ringing]

Yep.

Man: Sorry. I think we've got off on the wrong foot.

I'm a solicitor at Worthing, Cole, and Simons,

and I'm calling to inform you that you have, in fact

inherited a house.

Hello? Hello?

That's you in the corner there.

Alison: So she was, like, my step great auntie.

There's no real term for what you are,

but she sadly had no direct relatives,

and so you're the only one.

I feel like I'm in the headmaster's office.

I--I put a pussy willow in Daniel Bellingham's ear,

and he tried to get it out and just pushed it further in.

Had to go to the doctor's.

It wasn't A&E or anything. It was just--he's fine now.

He's a pastry chef.

These look nice. Heh.

That's potpourri.

[Crunch]

- Was she old? - She was 99.

- Ohh! - Ohh! So close.

Solicitor: And there she is-- Lady Heather Button.

The Buttons go back a long way.

Lady? Does that mean I'm a lady?

OK. I know I'm a lady, but, like, a lady lady

like Lady Gaga--no, no.

Man: It's not this house, is it?

Solicitor: Uh, as a matter of fact, it is.

Button House.

- No. - Huh?

Solicitor: Now obviously, it can take several years

to find a buyer and close the sale.

Perhaps you want to try luxury hotel chains,

that sort of thing.

I mean, uh, she lived on her own.

[Solicitor's voice fades]

What if we keep it?

Man: Yes. That is a great idea.

Solicitor: The house is in a state of some disrepair.

We were looking for a bit of a project anyway,

and I retiled the bit behind the sink in our last flat,

so, um--

- The splashback. - What's that?

I'm not sure this falls into the category of DIY.

You should at least have a survey done before you--

I just feel like it'll be better to keep it in the family.

I think actually that's what she would have wanted.

Aunt Helen.

- Heather. - Heather.

And if it can make money for some hotel chain,

then why not make it work for us?

- We--we could give up our jobs. - Yes.

- We could do this full-time. - OK. Yes.

Can we keep it if we want to?

Well...it is your house.

[Clang]

Sorry.

Oh, look what the cat's dragged in.

Down here. Yeah. You're warm. Getting warmer.

Yeah. You're boiling.

Yeah. No. Cold! Get--ohh.

Down here! You deaf?

I've got the ears, haven't I?

Neanderthal: Uh, little guy.

- Pawn. - Prawn go dooka-dooka.

- But that's-- - Checkmate.

Fine. Best of 20.

- Oh, come on. - Oh, gnn, mmm.

Ideally, you want it about 5--5 potatoes high.

This one's gonna have mud on it,

but you don't have to have mud on it.

This is the tip.

We insert the tip into the split end.

- Split end. - Aha.

Then repeat the process until you be done.

Right. Lovely talk of the day from Mary today.

I think I can safely say if we had any wicker

or indeed we could touch anything,

we could all make a pretty rad-looking basket.

Maybe next week, please, we'd all be very interested

to hear about the trial, the witch trial. No?

Too soon. When you're ready.

Ahem. So tomorrow is food club!

Military man: Oh, no.

When Kitty will be telling us

all about the first time she ate an egg.

- I actually didn't like it. - All right, Kitty.

We'll save it for tomorrow, please.

Give us something look forward to.

And then on Wednesday, Julian has volunteered

to make a speech.

Yes, my by-election victory speech, '91.

Very inspiring, very long,

and a few smutty jokes to keep it light.

Poet: Oh, God. Spare me.

Military man: Right, that's it.

Pat, sit down.

Right, AOB? Any other business?

Well, I have got something actually.

Now ever since I moved rooms,

I've been woken every night by you, Fanny, screaming

like a mad person.

Well, I don't think I do!

[Fanny screaming]

[Thud]

Kitty: I always thought that was an owl.

Poet: An owl? Do you know what an owl sounds like?

Well, no, I don't think so.

Military man: It has got to stop!

Look. This is my house, and I shall do what I like.

It was mine first.

No, that's the land, not the house.

[Speaking gibberish]

Poet: Well, I wish you would all hush.

I cannot do my work with all this agitation.

Julian: Work? You haven't done a day's work in your life

or death.

Kitty: He's an artist. Julian: Pfft!

Kitty: He's ahead of his time.

Oh, he can't still be ahead of his time, Kitty.

Guys, please!

Why don't you just go back to your old room in the east wing?

Military man: I don't see why I should.

I wanted the garden view. Now as ranking officer--

Well, The garden view comes with the screaming woman.

You get used to it after 100 years.

[All talking at once]

Julian: Let's be serious here.

Don't you get involved.

Argh!

Simple. You swap room, eh?

You go up top, you come ground floor,

and no jumpy.

Right.

Well, that would suit me, I think.

Yeah, that could work.

Not just a pretty face.

Fanny: Well, quite.

[Owl hooting]

Hmm. Yeah. Heh.

Hup. Ahh.

Ahh. Splendid.

[Clock chiming]

Fanny?

I say, Fanny.

George?

Aah!

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Throw yourself out of your own damned window.

Both: ♪ I'm bringing sexy back ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪ - ♪ Mmm ♪

[Both sing nonsense]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oww ♪

♪ Being so over ♪

- ♪Protective ♪ - ♪ Protective ♪

I always get the timing wrong on that.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Alison: ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

I think this is it.

Oh, my God.

- My heart. - Yeah.

It's so strange.

I feel like I know the place already.

This track, every tree.

It's like I've been here my whole life,

like it's...home.

- This is the wrong one. - Yeah.

Military man: This really is beyond the pale.

Fanny: Oh, has it happened again?

You entered my room, you said, "George",

and then threw yourself out of the window.

Well, look, I don't even realize I'm doing it.

Pat: Perhaps there's some deeply buried reason

why you feel like you have to reenact--

Kitty: Maybe try jumping out of the window before bed,

get it out of the way.

No, it's not so much the jumping.

It's the screaming that's annoying.

Julian: Yes, that's a compromise.

Keep the jumping but do it silently.

Mary: Staying hush whilst falling

from a height?

Tush and flops.

Look. Perhaps I scream because--

and I've never told anyone this, but--

Poet: It's quite all right. We shan't pry.

It's just that the night that I actually--

Military man: No, look, no screaming.

That's all I ask. Is that reasonable? Good.

Neanderthal: Oh! Argh! Eeh! Box.

Move got wheel. Rrrnn rrrnn.

Military man: It's a motor car. Neanderthal: Car!

Pat: Wow. It's like a blooming spaceship.

Poet: Poor creatures must be lost.

Kim Wilde: ♪ We're the kids in America ♪

♪ Whoa, oh ♪

♪ We're in the kids in America ♪

Pat: It's Kim Wilde.

Poet: Let me pluck out my eyes, for never will I see

such beauty again.

Yes, he'd make a very fine soldier.

Ahem.

Wow.

Shall we, Lady Alison?

Alison: Ha ha ha!

Ohh!

Oh! Oh, Mike.

Mike: This is 100% the most incredible moment of my life,

apart from our wedding.

And it's all ours.

Fanny: What did that girl just say?

Kitty: She must be related to you

like a niece, a great, great, great--

Fanny: No, no, no, no. She's no niece of mine.

Look at her. She's exposing her knees,

and she's got a tattoo.

So this is the library.

Mike: Does that mean we have to start reading books?

Military man: Philistine.

Pat: It'll be nice to have some new faces around.

Julian: There's enough faces already.

Alison: We have to fix up all the plasterwork.

- But need fix architrave. - Oh, yeah.

Alison: We could do every room in a different style.

Mike: Great idea.

Fanny: Over my dead body!

- Wait. - I know.

Ye olde worlde.

[Ghosts groan]

1950s.

[Ghosts groan]

Club Tropicana.

Julian: That's fun.

- Wow. - Unbelievable.

Pat: Well, they seem really nice.

Let's give them a chance.

Alison: Look at that.

Mike: What is that? Alison: Is that a lake?

Mary: I hate it when that happens.

It's a lake.

Kitty: Well, there's only two of them.

Still plenty of room for us.

Mike: This is going to make one incredible hotel.

[Ghosts gasp]

What is hotel?

Well, Robin, a hotel is...

- Kill them. - I quite agree

if we all approve the use of force to enable them

to, you know, not live anymore.

Fanny: Out of the question. That's completely immoral.

Kitty: And it's wrong. Military man: And if we do kill

them, we could be stuck with them forever.

Would that so bad?

She's married, Thomas. Look at them.

Why must I always be spurned?

Pat: Couldn't we all just live in the gatehouse?

- I'd rather kill them. - Kill them.

Julian: Hear, hear. Kitty: But that's a crime.

[Clock chimes]

We'll hang.

[Fanny screams]

[Thud]

Damn it, Fanny!

Pat: We could always try...

haunting.

We're ghosts.

[Ghosts murmuring]

Your tea, m'lady.

Thank you, Jeeves.

- Taste all right? - Why?

I couldn't get any water in the kitchen,

and I couldn't find the other kitchen,

so I ended up using the garden tap,

and then there's no electric in the kitchen,

so I found a plug that worked in the library.

I don't know if the water's drinkable,

but I boiled it twice.

[Pigeon cooing]

I love the sound of the country.

[Wings flapping]

It's in the room.

Oh, yeah.

It must be nesting somewhere.

Right. What's first? The pipes? Electrics?

Probably get the bird out the room.

Yeah. Come on then.

Pigeon, pigeon, pigeon.

Gah! Agh!

Military man: Now, then. Let's have a look at some

of the skills at our disposal, shall we?

Now, we all know that Robin can do that thing with the lights.

- Will you please, Robin? - Oh, yeah.

[Grunting]

[Electricity crackling]

[Ghosts laughing]

- Very good. - Excellent.

Yes, Mary.

When I pass through the livings, they smells burnings.

Excellent. None of those are plural, but--

'Tis a most noxious stinks, though.

Thomas: When I was alive...

Oh, here he goes.

It was rumored a little plague girl

could oft be heard singing in the pantry.

Girl: ♪ Ring a ring o' roses ♪

♪ A pocketful of posies ♪

♪ A-tishoo A-tishoo ♪

♪ We all fall down ♪

People find it scary apparently.

Pat: Ha ha ha!

Can't think why. Gah.

Military man: Ahem. Finally, we're all aware of Julian's

extraordinary powers.

Julian: Oh, please. No, no.

[All talking at once]

All right, all right, all right, all right.

All right. Just I need a little bit--

here we go. OK. Ahem.

Watch this. Shh, shh, shh.

OK.

Ohh.

Hold on.

Shree!

Heh heh heh.

Aah! Argh! Here we go.

Unh.

[Groaning]

[Ghosts cheering]

- Extraordinary! - I've only tried it on cups,

but, you know.

Excellent.

Well, with my leadership and your skills, ah,

I believe we have everything we need

to scare them out of their wits.

Alison: Aah!

The water's gone cold! It's so--it's so cold!

Mike.

Thomas: Oh, God.

- Thomas? - Ohh? I wasn't looking,

and anyway, I couldn't see anything, so...

Right, mate. Is she coming out?

- Yes, I think she is. - She's coming out!

Stand to, everybody. Prepare for action.

Kitty: Good luck, everyone,

and remember, as long as you do your best...

- Finished? - Yes.

Hot water's stopped.

Go for Robin.

[Robin grunting]

Ohh! Aah!

Military man: Man down.

Right, cue Jemima.

♪ Ring a ring o'♪

[Music playing loudly]

Mike: Yes! Got the speakers hooked up.

Alison: Well, that's the main thing.

Yes, please, Mary.

Mary: Unh!

I think your toast is burning.

Military man: Damn it!

All on you now, Julian. Go for it, man!

Push it! Come on! Push it!

Julian: Aagh!

[No ghost sounds]

- Ooh! - Push it!

[No ghost sounds]

Julian: Aagh!

[No ghost sounds]

Ohh!

[No ghost sounds, squeak]

- Ahh. - Damn it!

Julian: You know, it's much bigger than a cup, so--ahh.

Haunting's hard, isn't it?

Head: So how did it go? Guys?

Mike: Right. Well, I think the boiler is in...

[Door creaking]

there?

[Light switch clicking]

After you.

Alison: Oh.

Sing something, make this less scary.

Mike: ♪ Don't be scared, don't be scared ♪

♪ I'm not scared ♪

Alison: OK. You're making it worse.

Mike: There's another switch here.

I can fix this.

Alison: What? Are you joking?

- Who are they? - I don't know.

Mike: I'll look it up on YouTube.

Alison: Mike, not everything can be learned

from a YouTube tutorial.

Mike: You'd be surprised.

I found a guide on how to tame an eagle.

Alison: Yeah, but that's not-- what, an actual eagle?

- Mm-hmm. - Why would you need

to know that?

Don't know. Cool, though.

Alison: So cool.

- Um. - Oi. Don't fiddle with that.

Do you even know what that does?

Yeah, it's a thing for the thingy bob.

Ghosts: It's the valve for the filling loop.

- Hey! - Whoo!

Fixed it.

No, you haven't. It's just the pilot light.

Alison: Do you think we need a new one?

Man: What, and get rid of old Betsy?

Different man: No, no.

Mike: Let's see what the surveyor says next week.

- OK. - Eeh.

Mike: Ready?

Woman: What for? Man: I'm ready.

Alison: Ready.

[Ghosts groaning]

Man: I wasn't ready.

Woman: Well, that was nice, anyway.

Man: Yeah, come back soo-- oh, they can't

hear me, can they?

Mike: They're not warming up down here.

How's yours?

Give me a sec.

[Pigeon cooing]

There you are.

Julian: Hello.

Thomas: We'll be overrun with people

taunting us with their life.

Pat: No, we'll just try again.

If at first you don't succeed--

Military man: Precisely. That's right.

We must prepare another charge.

Hit them when they're vulnerable.

We may have lost the battle, but the war is far from over.

Alison: Aah!

[Thud]

Fanny's early.

- Uh, I'm right here. - What?

Egh, ugh. It's Kim Wilde!

Mike: Alison! Alison! Alison.

[Voice muffled]

OK. I can see-- look at me. Look at me.

Alison, can you hear me? Alison, I'm here.

Can you hear me? Yeah? Stay with me.

Keep your eyes open. Alison, I'm here.

[Siren]

[Julian stammering]

Let me be absolutely clear.

Did you push her?

Well, Now, the thing you have to understand is this.

Pat: I'm sorry, but it's rather a yes or no question, Julian.

Julian: Pat, pat, pat...

I took a decision to--to--

Robin: Pushy or no pushy?

You know, Robin, let me ask you this.

You know, what was the context?

Answer the question, damn your eyes!

Due respect, Thomas, I'm trying to answer the question

if you'll let me finish.

Military man: Now, look here. A sacrifice was made

for the greater good.

We wanted her out of the house, didn't we?

Now this has either killed her or scared her off.

Fanny: You don't just do that to someone.

What kind of coward would push a lady out of the window?

Military man: Now, steady on, Fanny.

Fanny: No. No, I won't because I was pushed.

You hear me? I was pushed,

and I have never told a soul.

It was my husband George.

I caught him upon the groundskeeper...

Military man: Good lord.

with the butler on him.

- Like a sandwich? - A manwich.

Julian: It's actually known as a Moroccan tea party.

Pat: Guys!

Fanny: Clearly, he didn't trust me

with his sordid little secret,

so he just did away with me,

but he was wrong, wasn't he?

He was very wrong.

Because I have kept it, haven't I?

[Ghosts murmuring]

Until now. Until now.

I mean, I did know that. I watched all of that.

Kitty: So did I. Robin: Yeah, yeah.

Julian: I wish I had watched it.

Pat: Well, Fanny...

that must have been a terrible burden to bear

for all those years.

Perhaps now that you've shared it,

you'll be free of your nightly terrors.

Oh, do you suppose so?

I'm sure of it.

Ohh.

[Clock chiming]

Fanny: Aah!

[Thud]

Military man: Fanny!

You see, Pat? What did I tell you?

That's where talking gets you. Nowhere!

It was silly of me to suggest it really.

Lesson learnt. What shall we do?

I don't know. I'm not going to spend eternity

listening to that racket at the same time every night.

- It's worth a try. - Ah.

[Julian grunting]

[Clock chiming]

Fanny: Aah!

[Thud]

Military man: Ahh. Much better. Morning.

Robin: Mornings. Kitty: Good morning.

Mary: Good day.

Military man: Finally.

Things can get back to normal around here.

[Toilet flushes]

Shift over.

Can't I lie down? I'm so tired.

- Poor you. - It's all right for you.

You've been asleep for two weeks.

- Ohh. It's called a coma. - Induced coma.

Oh.

- You all right? - Yeah.

I'm glad you didn't die.

Well, technically, I did for a bit.

Did I dream that house?

I feel like I dreamt it all.

Oh. Have you had the survey back?

No. No, not yet.

Hmm.

Mary: Now, have her face the right way.

You want the end with the milk there,

not the end for looking and chewing out of.

You want to take this finger and this finger

gently but quickly,

and that releases a big squirt of the stuff.

- Good Lord. - Chuck some of the muck out

so you can check then if the milk be smooth and white,

not beige and lumpy.

Oh, my goodness. They're coming back!

Fanny: What?

Mike: Right, so you know how I said the survey

hadn't come back?

Oh, God. And what did it say?

Julian: How does she seem? Is she OK?

I don't know. They're not getting out of the carriage.

Well, there's good news and bad news.

OK, OK, OK.

Well, uh, give me the good news--

The bad news is that the repairs are extensive,

like, big structural stuff, plumbing, electrics.

Can't even begin to renovate this place

without a huge amount of cash to do those things.

- OK. Yeah. - So, the good news is

I took out a loan!

- What? - Yeah. I took out a loan.

Some loans. Paid some deposits.

W-w-why didn't you tell me?

Because I didn't want you to worry.

This is your dream, right?

I'm going to do everything I can to make it come true.

[Horn honks]

Oh, they're already here. Come on then.

- Hey. - All right, mate.

- How you doing? - Terry.

Terry: So we're going to inspect the site, make it safe.

Everyone has to wear one of these for now.

Insurance reasons mainly, but, well, you just should.

Mike: Cool. Terry: Cracking on then.

Mike: Exciting, isn't it, huh?

Why don't you go have a lie down,

and I'll grab your bags, yeah?

You should be wearing a hard hat.

Fanny: Button House reduced to a tawdry boarding house.

What will become of us?

Julian: Oh, she spoke to me, she spoke to me,

she saw me, she spoke to me.

Thomas: What? Military man: What the devil

are you talking about?

Mike: Oh, there you are.

I thought you were getting some rest.

No turning back now.

- What if we made a mistake? - What?

What if this was a bad idea and we should have just sold it?

Don't say that. This is a great idea.

It's going to take a lot of work,

but we can do it.

- Mike? - You're terrified,

and I get it.

Alison: Mike.

Mike: I get it. I'm scared, too.

This house and what we're doing, it's a huge challenge,

and who knows what we're going to have to deal with

on the way, but in the end,

we've got each other.

It's just us in this big old house.

There's nothing to be scared of, is there?

[Robin grunts]

Ohh! Aa--