Original subtitles

[Music]

the battle

of the sexes

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

is

well i think that's all for today

gentlemen

irwin must look smart you know

she does that to me once more i'm going

to kill her we'd only send her away

somewhere to do an export survey

somewhere really wild really remote

i i've got it we've never had an export

survey of scotland

scotland cj that's great

imagine scotland

hermann hoffman here can go with her

you can't do that to me you can't do it

cj i'll do anything but hey

you don't mean it do you you wouldn't do

a thing like that to me cj

we've been pals

so destiny sent mrs barrows to carry the

sex war

into one of the last bastions of man's

supremacy

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[Applause]

shortest scotland

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the world

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this was

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mr

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has never is a cigarette in his life

the purchase of this bottle of good

scotch whisky too is an act of valor

because mr martin has been a lifelong

abstainer

strange certainly is

but perhaps we better begin at the

beginning in scotland's capital city

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edinburgh

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yeah um

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[Applause]

so

here in this old family business a fine

hand woven tweed

the first faint rumbling was heard

[Music]

sorry mr darling

do you mean something a little lighter

in color madam

no i mean a little lighter in

i mean a little lighter in weight this

is a bit heavy for california

have you any wool mixed with nylon or

synthetic fiber

synthetic fiber we have nothing to do

with synthetic fiber here sir

sorry excuse me

yes darling a message for mr martin from

himself you'll find him upstairs always

mr mcpherson

oh sinking fast mr robertson it can't be

long now

mr mickey yes mr martin could you try to

find a quieter nib please

hey mr martin andrew darling to see you

what is it andrew

it's mr mcfasten sir i have to take you

there at once

how is he getting very weak the poor man

dear dear dear

i've heard the call martin

the great weaver himself is waiting for

me oh

there's plenty of life left in you yet

mr mcpherson

i'm dying martin i shall be gone before

my son comes home from america

will we telegraph him to hurry back oh

he's in himself

already in quarantine with the mumps

he never was strong you know martin

it's a pity i sent him to school in

england

too soft careering about windsor in

frock coats

i'm worried about him martin

he's not quite ready to take on the

responsibilities of a big business

you have to help him i'll do my best sir

i'm sure you will you always have

that's why i'm asking you

give me a drink

do you think that you should say that

the doctor would say that ignorant old

fool

give me a drink and have a dream

yourself with a dying man

if you'll excuse me mr mcpherson you

know i

i never i nearly had you martian

i thought you might have given way to

sentiment

but i should have known better man is

valuable

but martin is not well

put your glam in with mine now drink for

the two of us

it

[Music]

well here's to his memory there'll never

be another

right on a day like this mr mcpherson on

his deathbed respected my principles

anyway it's the same color he was a

great man

uh and here's to the new head of the

house mr robert mcpherson

mr robert who haven't seen us what i've

come down here

mr robert may never be the man his

father was but he's a mack person for

all that

deputy couldn't be here today

his only bear not there to see his poor

father buried

i cast quite a gloom over the whole

proceedings

i say aren't you my chap no not me mate

i promise to another

[Music]

where's your luggage back at the hotel

the hotel but this train leaves in a

minute

that's what i figured you got no time to

get your luggage out

you're cooking where have you been i've

been brushing up on my scottish you've

been brushing up on your scotch

this guy burns has got something a man's

a man

for all that angie

you're on your own do you mean you're

walking out on this trip

honey i'm running you wait till cj hears

about this

he knows i cabled him barrows takes the

high road stop i'd take the lauro's

stuff

she'll be in scotland way way ahead of

me

great writer that rabbi burns

oh really damn it all i mean where is my

compartment your cart number observed is

to because this is the last of the first

class of course i reserved i've got to

go to the trains due to the leak where

am i going to sleep

there's a baiting department here if you

wanted i reserved two but i only need

one now

wait say are you sure what a bit of luck

for me

the rightfully kind of no not at all

my name is angela barros oh yes

my name's robert

the house mcpherson tweets well of

course i've heard of them

do sit down oh thank you so you're the

robert mcpherson well you must have

quite a business or it's really just no

family firm

oh i love that british understatement

i'm very interested in all businesses

i'm the personal advisor to the

president of a very big american

corporation

i'm a business consultant you mean a

sort of efficiency expert

well it's a little more than that we try

to apply

psychology to business apply psychology

to business my goodness what will they

think of next well

you're certainly efficient i mean first

my sleeper and now the brand

is what i should have done without you

your staff certainly should have

reserved you a compartment you ought to

give them hell

well that is you ought to put somebody

on that little old carpet

no i'll do that perhaps when you finish

with the automatic and you'll come and

put my house in order

well i should certainly like to look

over your business

you would it's date i look forward to

that

my goodness until i will be saying good

night

and thank you again good night mr

mcpherson

i say have you got anybody meeting you

in edinburgh

no oh good then tomorrow morning you

must let me be your

business efficiency expert well you're

very kind

sweet dreams

darling's been with us for ages to drive

me to kindergarten

again

[Music]

the george hotel and then the officer

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thank you my goodness aren't they

[Music]

beautiful

itself

well well howdy folks welcome home

thank you thank you as they say in texas

it's sure good to be back

i've had a wonderful trip yes indeed a

really wonderful trip

most stimulating i've had a wonderful

trip

i'll have a little talk with you all

later

seems in wonderful spirits ah

what's wrong with him he's a changed man

right enough

do you know what he's brought back with

him from america already

the lady hey armando we're mincing up

the waiver of the steps like like two

turtle doves

wait he said to me and he dashes off and

buys all the flowers old and he had with

her

and just throws them over the sledding

the poor man he doesn't know what he's

doing in his grief

well i i i couldn't wish for anything

better

a man in business needs a woman in the

home passed a funeral then a wedding

and then who knows

that'll be himself what like is ciandra

not american

oh well thanks to the old scottish

settlers there are still some good

families left in america

ginny must we have that cutter sorry

seth it's the tree the pets dance the

boat on it as if they were doing the

real

i'll try to keep them quiet and we

thought the heads of departments might

open the list for the wedding present

it might encourage the others he didn't

actually say they were getting married

but he was quite poetic about her

he said she was like a breath of the new

world

oh honey this place is just not for real

oh will that be herself

oh this is marvelous

it's like something out of dickens oh do

you think peps i ought to do it up a bit

i mean i could get myself a new

death oh no no it would be a shame to

touch it

it's a museum piece but if we are going

to do it over will you just relax and

leave everything to me

a desk no no you don't want a desk no no

big executive has a desk anymore

that's mind with only andrew darling's

word for it they were like turtle doves

that's for me

are you right mr robertson you look as

if you've had a shock

nonsense

and this is mr martin martin's been with

the firm for 35 years that's right isn't

it martin next michael muster

how do you do it next michaelmas how

queen martin i'm very happy to tell you

that i have persuaded mrs barry you

already knew it sir

we were already ahead of you may i offer

you both my heart is congratulations

i was never married myself i understand

it's a great institution

well you wouldn't think that if you've

been married to my ex-husband

he thinks we're going to be married

isn't that dreamy you pull yourself

together martin what do you think i said

mr mcpherson has invited me to join the

firm

join me that's right as an industrial

consultant

well will you look at his face haven't

you ever seen a woman industrial

consultant

before don't you have women in your

business

well there's uh ginny mcdougall oh

she makes the tea and cleans the offices

oh quite a job yes a woman's work

mr martin you must join the 20th century

a woman's work yes well i knew you two

would get on

martin in the morning i want you to take

mrs barrow under your wing show her the

ropes

nobody understands that working in the

department's better than martin here he

holds all the purse strings oh i

see well you are on the cat bird scene

baseball term

means sitting pretty oh

don't be such a square martin

[Laughter]

ah so this is the accounts department oh

don't get up gentlemen please

my my well this is quite a change from

any filing system that i know

yes well i don't suppose you could

really call it a system but uh

we do find what we want when it's needed

this i have to see certainly yes mr

mickey

would you ask for something ask for

something hey

anything can i have a cup of tea please

no no mr mickey asked me for an account

a statement of the accounts as to the

end of july

last year hey that should be a good one

to demonstrate

mr mcdonald would you mind just helping

me across you don't usually keep these

over there

and do it you'd never think this was a

chair

hold my legs mr mickey let me see now

here it is

ask me another mr mickey a letter from

the scottish weavers association

asking us to participate in that

exhibition

last october yes that's a good one

i'll just go and get it

yes there were two letters

uh this one thanked us for our

cooperation

yes well this makes a nice parlor game

but we can't run a business

this way can we must look smart

and how you can work in this atmosphere

don't you have air conditioners

no well at least we can use nature's air

conditioners we never open the windows

this is

great balls of fire is that how you

tackle the home market

i don't understand mrs barros

you're selling to 20th century customers

your display figures must look like 20th

century people

that's psychology mr robertson i mean

who would want to identify themselves

with a couple of scarecrows like that

now mrs barrows this is the most

important piece of furniture on the

whole building

will you take a wee snifter no thank you

it's too early for me but you do keep a

cozy little pub here

well you see mrs barros our main export

being to the americas uh mr mcleod does

have to be hospitable to the buyer

and naturally no buyer likes to drink

alone aye you've said it

you change your mind let's put it this

way mr mcleod liquor and efficiency

don't mix

oh yes but they do mrs zay

you see uh there's such a demand in our

stuff that your buyers queue up for

their quarter really in that case they

should be buying you drinks

you know uh mrs barrows uh mr mcleod

does sell every bit of tweet that we can

produce

for the your loyalty is very touching mr

martin some chief accountants would say

there's no need for an export manager

not when the stuff sells itself

however don't you worry your little head

about that mr martin i've got mr

mcleod's problem solved

we'll simply step up production increase

production

by a thousand percent um

i'm afraid mrs barrow you're afraid but

i'm not

but there's a limit to how much handmade

tweet we can get from the weavers

that comes up to our high standard i've

heard that kind of talk before mr graham

where's your factory hi teddy yes

where the tweed is woven um you see mrs

barros

it's not exactly a factory oh well come

gentlemen let's not mince words i don't

care what you call it over here

where's the stuff made that's what i

want to see it's made in the hebrides

the what

well never mind that's where we're going

um well i'm off there next week to pay

the weavers their advanced money

advance money yes you see they have to

have the three months pay in advance

nine months in advance

well no wonder you don't get

productivity how do other factory

workers manage

but these are not factory workers i have

news for you from now on they are

and they clock in just like any other

factory workers do you have time clocks

no i thought as much well you must order

them pronto for each of them

for every man jack of them

three months in advance well it looks

like i got here just in time

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it wouldn't be easy

[Music]

oh just get that picture isn't that

something

oh don't bother to stop on my account

i've got no time to be a tourist

let's press on to the tweed business uh

this is it

what is it well uh jock and chrissy

mcneil here are two of our best weepers

you mean that's all there is to it oh no

no we've about 700 of them scattered all

over the island

are they all that old no we've got some

well i suppose there's no production

that can't be rationalized

i beg your pardon you've heard of time

and motion study of course

though how that could be applied here i

don't quite see

with plenty of time here mrs barrows but

there is not a great deal of motion

oh come now rip van winkle don't tell me

you've never heard of mechanization

well i suppose it doesn't matter as long

as mr mcpherson has just

wait till i hit him with my plan for

centralizing the weaving

well you go must look smart you know

now you go off and do whatever it is you

have to do and then let's get the hell

out of here

i say the windows are they real glass

prospects i could get a torch bob and

run it off a battery at the back

they'd light up they'd look wonderful in

a dark room yes i'm sure they would

robert

but what do you think of my project well

it's bold of course isn't it

it's very bold i'll give you that mind

you it's a break

it's the biggest break you've ever had

in your life and the best i mean it's a

break with tradition

and how you're the head of this house

now robert you must create tradition as

your father and grandfather did

yes i must say it's beautifully made in

years to come

people will say robert mcpherson began

it encyclopedias of the future we'll

talk about

the macpherson method for the

manufacture of tweeze i say i mean you

don't think

encyclopedias that i should have to talk

it over with the boys i mean

try it out you know talk it over with

martin that's the one

try it on the dog well don't you let

them talk you out of it remember your

top dog

oh this is a big step robert but we'll

take it together

robert i wish you wouldn't think of me

as a woman

what i'm your business partner now

i've got a lot to do and so have you

[Music]

[Applause]

except

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

so

i can't hear you marty what's that damn

noise

i'm sorry mr mike person excuse me

straight away will you come over right

away mr macpherson there's no reason to

shout

i'm not deaf i'm very sorry sir

dad in just a minute don't come in till

i say

come in now

button over here

what do you think of it good effect eh

it's very nice sir is it

for an advertisement you'd be surprised

this is a model of the new factory mrs

barros wants me to build for the house

of mcpherson

centralize all the weaving what do you

think of that eh

you can't mean it mr mcpherson well i

don't know i mean

what do you think do i like it or don't

i hm

well it's not for me to say sir i mean

what would your father have said well i

don't know father says it's a lot didn't

he but we can't drill in the past

we've got to move into the 20th century

encyclopedias of the future

may talk of the macpherson new method of

tweed manufacture

i really will get one or two of those

miniature cars put outside the front

entrance they look absolutely

marvelous there's anything else there

no i don't think so think it over some

of mrs barrow's ideas need

seasoning like tiffa

how do you like the way she's done at my

office quite unusual

i'm very keen on ice cork box that's

what they call them in the states

do you know how old this is before

columbus

discovered america they didn't wear

tweeds in those days

and there was mrs barros complaining

that your father's ornaments were

old-fashioned sir

mcpherson speaking robert it's me i've

been thinking about my project

now maybe you shouldn't mention it to

those old fossils you've got working i'm

in a meeting mrs barros i'll call you

back

don't bother that's all i wanted to say

they just wouldn't dig in

very amusing the way she put things very

american

she wasn't referring to you of course

well think it over martin yes yes

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

that done

terribly sorry mr mcfarson only the the

wire is not usually there

mrs barry has thought very highly of

this yes well i'll tell her that i did

it

no no no i'll say it was my fault that

it was an accident

perfectly shouldn't mention it at all

maybe she won't notice

martin that'll be all thank you

i'm very shy

[Music]

[Music]

good night england bye good night

oh angus we'd better have a look at the

upstairs windows

mrs burrows is inclined to leave them

open i'll see to it right away

the insurance company don't share her

enthusiasm failure

do

stop where you are come on get those

hands up

better come quietly

[Music]

so

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

so

so

[Music]

so

[Music]

so

just look at those figures i mean if we

go on like this the firm will be ruined

salaries and wages are up 300 percent

look at this

office teas and biscuits for one month

nearly 250 pounds well i mean

if you smothered the damn biscuits with

caviar it couldn't have come to that i

mean

how do you get these figures is your

department gone quite mad yes i would

just like to point out mr mcfarson that

these

are the figures that i give to mr mickey

and he arrived at these turtles on the

new

electric adding machine mickey come into

my office please

this is mcleod here sir i want to talk

to mikey

i expect he's in his own office sir i am

talking to his office

this is my office sir no it's not are

you sure

positive nonsense a man's a perfect fool

he's in me is obviously doesn't realize

it and i'll see if he's in with mr

graham

yes sir is that you graham oh

no sir this is jack monroe at the front

well is mr graham with you no sir

there's only myself

and jock mcdonald who is chuck macdonald

the new lorry driver

well what is jock mcdonald doing in mr

graham's never mind i don't want to talk

to him

i think you'll find that mr graham is in

the showroom so just allow me to press

that

button there i'm speaking i will there

you i've been looking for what what are

you doing in the showroom

i'm not in the showroom so i'm with mr

miki mikey with this man i'm looking for

where are you are you and are you mr

mccloud's office no sir

i'm in mr martin's office well you

better stay where you are and i'll come

and find you i really don't know what's

the matter with the staff today none of

them seem to know where they are

yes it's just so that the boys are

finding these a little bit difficult to

get used to but once they understand the

working of them it'll be all right

don't be such a stick in the mud martin

perfectly simple

a child could use it ah

genie a faithless old witch where's my

tea

i had a bit of a rough night last night

and i've got i've got a tongue you could

roast chestnuts on the cloud will you

spare us your symptoms and take an

aspirin where was i

i've been thinking mr mcleod it's no use

you're nagging me

i've only got the one pair of hands and

i'm not supposed to bring tea around

until 11.

and if you were to ask me you'd be

better off with a purge

mrs mcdougall will you try and show a

little more respect for the heads of the

departments

that's me now come along let's get out

of here

before there's any more of this

what's happening in here they're having

a picnic or something we got them trying

to

sort out last month's figures for you

sir to compare them

we've been at it since 10 o'clock this

new failing system takes a wee bit of a

getting used to but uh

she said yourself mrs barrow's ideas

don't eat season quite right where's the

adding machine

it's over here sir yeah i say it's

really compact isn't it

now how does it work well then just add

anything you like together sarah say

uh two and two

no you press that oh i say that's jolly

good isn't it

yes sir but uh it says 22.

well two and two do make 22 in a way

don't they i mean it's got a sort of

logic of its own hasn't it you might say

that but it doesn't help with the

salaries and wages total for the money

you got a point there

pepsi is a bit too simple point let's

give it something it can really get its

teeth into now then give me a number uh

142 pounds

fifteen and nine divided by three pounds

seven and sixpence

there you go somebody's been tampering

with it

well there's none of us in this officer

have anything to do with machinery well

you better find somebody who does and

tell mrs barros in the meantime you can

go back to your old sister just as you

see mr macbeth

[Music]

yes not you robbie old man just testing

this in final box

every time i try to get genie i get

puffing belly

get that machine out of here and tell

mccloud to come and see me in my office

right away

you can get him by buzzing the back gate

mr muslim we can't seem to find last

man's figures anywhere

oh well don't worry no doubt they'll

turn up later

mr mcpherson seemed a wee bit upset hey

martin

martin robert don't shout or burst a

blood vessel use the intercontinental

good martin martin

we are calling lisa what is the meaning

of all this

and see that they've arrived

i took the liberty of cutting the order

down catching it down

mrs burrow's instructions were for 607

one for each weaver

but i thought we'd save money and just

get one for each craft

mrs barros i wonder if you'd mind

holding that there for a moment so that

mr mcpherson can view it

that's the utility model oh i suppose i

should have uh

consulted you but i'm sure you wouldn't

mind after all it is uh

quite deceiving mrs barrow did you

instruct mr martin to order this

infernal machine

no well yes in a way i i suppose i know

but i i

meant one sloth mr party one really mr

martin i don't

dig how you could do this is that if we

go out like this the other thing we'll

dig will be our own graves really i i'm

not a bottomless well martin but

realized we haven't got all this money

to throw around what am i expected to do

with all these

settled then those are my instructions

i want everybody to get this perfectly

clear in my mind i mean in your minds

mr martin will see what can be arranged

i want all these [ __ ] removed i'm not

going to pay for them even if they shoot

me

they they can't sue me can they won't

come to that you won't let it come to

that i don't think you have any need to

worry about that

i think i want an aspirin or do i

yes i'm sure i do

this is all your faults

weave yourself something out of that

all right boys back to the warehouse

no it's no use making excuses for me

robert i

flopped i know when to quit

i'll go back home i guess you could say

i've met my waterloo

you mustn't think of going back to

america what i mean it's only business

after all we all make mistakes in

business

i wish you wouldn't think of me as just

a business partner

i am a woman too you want to know

something

oh yes no no no i i'd better not say it

no come on come on out with it

what else there's nothing i just was

going to say

yes yes the only thing i'll miss in this

dump

is you oh no no no you mustn't think of

missing me well i mean you mustn't think

of going back to america

i'm not a rich woman robert but if i

could pay you just something against the

loss

the costs what costs well well all the

money you're losing on my account the

those squawk boxes i haven't dared to

tell you what they cost

now they're all going back who said they

were going back did i say something oh

but i didn't mean it did i and the

adding machine oh that's not going back

no i will stop that once i'm very fond

of the adding machine then

you don't think i am a flop oh my dear

oh robert

no no don't look at me i'll be all right

just it's just

i'm so happy no no you mustn't upset

yourself now what you need is a good

rest okay i tell you what i'll drive you

home in my car no no i

insist now then i don't care who you are

or where you are i want you to find

andrew darling and tell him to bring my

car around to the front door at once

andrew darling speaking sir very well

then get him

all right robert then i'm going to give

it to you straight from the shoulder

now honestly there is nothing wrong with

my improvements

it's those old gremlins you've got

working them and if you're as smart as i

think you are

you'll get rid of them get rid of them

every man jack you can't have

them and progress and it's for those

leavers well i mean they can just draw

their pensions and take them in caves

that's how much you need them

but who makes the cloth join the 20th

century robert

stop making cloth with a privileged few

make cloth of the millions

build a factory today to make the cloth

of today

synthetic

are you fiber right darling oh yes sir

not you you great

oh it's time you got rid of him too

and this old crate

oh rob but you could have the whole

industry by its ears

i've got the slogan for you too

mcpherson's fibers what you need

better far than handmade tweed may i

trouble you for your name sir macpherson

robert mcpherson

would that be macpherson's tweeds now

synthetic fiber

synthetic fiber

[Music]

me

[Music]

how about one for the road mr mclaren

better go put your head under a cold tap

mr mcflesson sees you like that you'll

get fired

i have been fired okay hi and you'd

better look out for yourself

you're a gremlin and that's what she

said who says mrs

blaring barris and you should hear what

she's going to do with the house of

mcpherson

you better go and see mr roberts oh

robbie oh

hi he's a red old gremlin will you

please stop calling me agreement

can you be sure mr mcpherson agreed with

mrs barros

aye wasn't he agreeing with everything

she said

even to building a new factory

new factory does mr musk know about this

no he doesn't even know he's a gremlin

there was some talk of the factory i and

there's more than just talk

the weavers are going to be evicted from

their crafts you're talking nonsense

andrew why should they be why i'll tell

you why

sources can get to old age pensions and

live in the caves yeah that drunk andrew

darling

he's only just discovered it

but what could it mean they're surely

not going to stop the weaving

stop the weaving they're going to make

class for the million

her and mr macpherson macpherson's

fibers what jenny's fiber ah

synthetic fiber

mr green who's don't know

let's go to the chairs

[Music]

stupid talk about the synthetic fibers i

think i'll

sit down oh mrs barrow should never have

been allowed near this house

it was a terrible error ah a terrible

error

no good speaking about her as if you

were just a uh an entry in one of

martin's ledgers

i mean uh an entry can be rubbed out

counted martin

hey if you could rub out in here

regarding the matter of the matter yes

yes well the matter of what

of synthetic fiber we were thinking that

uh

perhaps it might be an error you could

always rub out

what was that martin oh

nothing said i was just thinking quite

right martin

mrs barrow says we must all put our

thinking caps on

she regards herself in this organization

as a sort of baffle or sounding board

against which members of the staff must

be free to bounce

as often as they please

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[Music]

so

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[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

you are surprised my friend but the

killer was not

he had studied his victim he knew she

was a drug addict

he had calculated that by the time he

entered her house she would be what our

american cousins would call

coat to the gills

but where does that lead us there were

no fingerprints in the house

other than those of the dead woman for

an obvious reason the killer never

removed his gloves

of the unfortunate victim naturally the

killer would not risk the purchase of so

obvious a weapon the knife which dealt

the mortal blow belonged to the woman

herself amazing

how can we ever hope to catch someone

calculating

my dear friend can you not see for

yourself

the presence of the whiskey glasses and

the pipe points to the unknown intruder

being none

other than elias lindstrom i as long as

impossible you've said yourself the

deniers lindstrom neither smoked

nor drag it is quite elementary

either smoke no drank lindstrom had

brought a pipe into that poor woman's

house and had poured himself out a drink

perfect

excuse me he was secure

in the knowledge that he would be the

last person to be suspected

well done where was that

very well done

[Music]

yes sir save your customers oh we're

just having a crack

what would you like sir some cigarettes

please what kind any kind

those red ones i always have those here

filter tips i know just a cigarette

please

how much is that you better try these

keep it half the price

but which brand of whiskey sir we have

them all

and better have a flat bottle flat

bottles

i always have a flat bottle you see

because it goes in my pocket here

or fit in there

well will you tie this one precise sir

it's

quite a new brand kill willie kill willy

hey

no no i don't like the name oh but it's

a good fit

and a very good blend i don't like the

name you know like a different name with

another bottle

well now how about this old acquaintance

that'll do fine hey i'll have that like

help fit me try it in there

yes how much do i owe you eight 19 and

nine sir oh

well keep the change and have a drink on

[Music]

me

[Music]

and how are you today mrs barros

and how are you today and how and how

and how are you today mr barros

oh it's uh it's mrs barros

yes and how are you today well i'm just

fine

how are you mr martin oh well i can't

complain

have you noticed the evenings are

getting longer

that generally happens about this time

of the year

it's a problem to know what to do with

them i usually stay at home of an

evening

well i can't say i blame you if there is

any nightlife in this dump i haven't

found it yet

still it's nice to stay at home and

entertain your friends

i suppose you have a lot of people to

see of an evening yes sometimes but you

must excuse me i must get on

yeah and do you ever spend an evening by

yourself at home sometime yeah

sometimes i'll be seeing you

everybody works out of your planet

that may be wise if you change your mind

just give three rings

i will come down to answer the door

unless i know it's you

[Music]

good night

[Music]

[Applause]

so

good night mr mickey

oh i'm sorry mr mcpherson i didn't

realize there was anybody

everything under control yes thank you

very much sir are you

feeling all right why'd you ask that

well i don't know it's probably the

light sir but

it did seem to have a strange color i

think it's the light though

good night martin as a matter of fact i

wasn't feeling very well

do you think i ought to see a doctor oh

i wouldn't do that sir the poor men have

got their hands full with this

diphtheria epidemic diphtheria epidemic

yes sir there's a lot of it about you

know well good night oh just a moment

martin please

what are the symptoms

well sir i do understand from some

people that

those who have it seem to complain of a

dryness of the throat

and the emulsion of the legs of course

the trouble is the poor deers don't know

they've got it and will insist on

getting a boat and if they only knew the

truth of it they're a

few hours from the grave

well good night

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[Music]

[Applause]

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[Applause]

[Music]

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pete's sake what are you doing here i

want to talk to you

i've got a message from whom um

from somebody you were expecting can we

go up

hi there good evening this is perez how

are you just fine how's yourself fine

thanks just

letting sally take me for a walk good

night well have a nice walk oh

this is mr uh

good night

what are you up to i didn't want you to

mention my name

why not what's the matter with it oh no

no i was thinking of your reputation i

mean

what would you think inviting men into

your flag well nobody's invited you

however now that you're here what's the

message

mcpherson he asked me to tell you

something

but i can't quite remember what it was

well i'll be hey

is something wrong with you yes

i've got a bit of a chill i'll be all

right presently

oh well i'll get you something for that

and please try to remember what the

message was

uh

a little nip would do you good but i

forgot you

oh you do drink yes i

i never go anywhere without a bottle

well what do you know uh

would you like to have a cigarette um no

thanks i smoke only filter tips

oh that's handy

look mr martin i don't quite get this

what is the message you had for me

uh well it was uh mr mcpherson

uh he said that he was feeling poorly

and uh that he wouldn't be around to see

you

but that he would go straight home to

bed and mr mcpherson sent you around

here to tell me

that oh come off it mr martin now what

is this

you live by yourself don't you

gets pretty lonely sometimes i expect

i believe you came around here just to

see me

isn't that it yes uh

that that is just how it was that's why

you asked me the other day what i did

with my evenings

oh well i think that's real cute

well now that you're here you might as

well have a drink

oh no can't have you drinking your

liquor in my house

you must drink mine you must drink mine

why what's so special about yours is it

poisoned oh no

no that was just a little joke

well make yourself comfortable take your

hat off and i never take my hat off in

the house well all right you just sit

there and i'll bring you a drink

[Music]

what are you doing out there samson

breaking up the house

come in and help me coming

[Music]

samson

oh come here look will you get that

bottle of whiskey down from up there

yes thank you i put it up there i'll

reach to the cleaners

you know what they are i don't think

they really mean to steal but when they

see it in front of them the temptation's

too great

now let me see

ah there we are thank you now would you

like to get some ice out of the fridge

for me

yes yes

here you'll need this those trays get

stuck just

stab that underneath the trays and

they'll come loose all right

well what are you waiting for start

stabbing

how are you getting on coming out ah

there's my little boy scout

thank you oh and this

that's right that goes in here

so you're a secret drinker eh well well

still waters that's your name from now

on say when

don't you ever say when now

say you weren't kidding when you said

that about drinking

come on still waters

no secret drinking in this house bring

it in here i was trying to uh

just get my drink and follow you right

in

right

sit down and relax and take that coat

off you must be hot

well i'll be right back

so

well robert if the thermometer says

you're normal i expect you are normal

are you coming around to see me well i

don't like to risk it i mean the

doctor's just been he didn't seem to

know much about it he did he didn't

think it was diphtheria but

diphtheria oh rob but now you are

imagining things

get into that little old car of yours

and come on around well i don't really

like today it's been rather a shock you

know

well yes of course it was a shock i'm

i'm just sorry you can't come that's all

i had a surprise for you a visitor

gentleman visitor

however you just stay where you are if

you're feeling groggy

i expect you've been working too hard

he's a bit late isn't he

still waters now what are you doing oh

teddy boy

don't go falling out

well now come and sit down and tell me

all your problems

there's a poor weak cat standing on the

ledge out here yes well that's his worry

not yours

[ __ ] puss come on puss all the heaven's

sake

where is the silly animal i'll get rid

of it

just stand it on the ledge down there

where

i don't see any cat on the left you'll

need to

get up onto the ledge to see it oh

there's nothing down there

now hold on to your legs don't worry

where where's the cat

[ __ ] now i can't see any cat

well you will do now

[Music]

you must have had a few before you came

there's no cat down there

hey where are you going

i'm very sorry mrs barros i've made the

most terrible mistake

see uh when i came here tonight

[Music]

i meant i know what you meant to silly

boy

i'm not offended come on here here come

on

back and finish your drink well

well mr martin drinking smoking and

being a lady killer

what would they think at the office if i

told them

i don't think they'd believe you you're

darn right they wouldn't believe me

they think i was imagining things like

you seeing that cat that wasn't there

they think i was out of my mind

[Music]

they would think that you were out of

your mind

little men in white coats would come for

me i'd be put away

[Laughter]

oh you never fooled me for a minute mr

martin

there's no such thing as a man with no

vices

oh do take off your gloves no no

well really you are

i'm going to drink a toast mrs barros a

toast

i a toast

damnation to that fat overfed buzzard

puffing billy bunter who

we met present are you speaking of poor

robert

really mr martin i'm preparing a bomb

that'll blow that fat full sky hack mr

martin you are drunk you'd better go

if mr mcpherson could hear you ways of

shutting a man's mouth mrs barrels

have you gone mad no not mad don't

don't i am a drug addict

i'm i'm gonna murder that fellow and

when i do

i'll be talk to the girls with coke and

then we'll have the house of my fashion

you and i together we'll have each other

you come

my here you're crazy

[Music]

mr martin

and i even

mr martin

[Music]

i don't understand angela if he wants to

kill me what's he doing in your cupboard

[Music]

he's

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

helpless

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so

[Music]

[Music]

yes yes i quite understand i hope you

didn't mind my ringing you dr fitch

oh yes most distressing we employers

have a personal responsibility for our

staff

thank you thank you

this is mr martin speaking martino chap

step into my office right away will you

yes mr mcpherson

i'll come over straight away

well have you fired him yet now please

auntie martin's on his way over here

is he well have you notified the police

the peace we don't want to get involved

with the police

do we well then we must send for a

doctor no i've talked to the doctor he's

standing by oh he is

that'll be marty now stay where you are

martin you mustn't see you come out this

way

i shall be listening don't you let that

zombie fool you

remember he must be put away oh it's you

martin won't you come in

good morning good morning marty

won't you sit down martin there we are

feeling better this morning mr mcfletzer

yes oh yes thank you i'm uh

i'm quite recovered

oh uh you know that i never smoked

oh i'm stupid on me after all these

years with the firm i ought to have

remembered that

how many years is it martin it's 35 said

next michaelmas day

and during all that time you've never

smoked a cigarette or had a drink eh

your late father sir on his deathbed

offered me a drum

but i had to refuse it so last night

if you had had a drink and taken a

cigarette that would have been for the

first time

it would have been said yes

martin last night when you went to mrs

barrow's apartment

it was simply to deliver my message

wasn't it

your message sir but my cold

i'm afraid i don't understand you sir no

i didn't suppose you would all right

martin

you can go oh no you can't

you're going to please leave this to me

please mrs barres has been working

rather too hard late then and she's got

it into my head that you went to her

apartment last night and behaved in a

rather disgraceful manner it's quite

ridiculous

so if there's something i could no no

thank you so much martin you make her oh

you lying rat

you tell him what you did last night he

was drinking he had his own bottle he

was drinking and smoking his own

cigarette quite impossible dear all the

cigarette ends had lipstick on them

there was only one glass and that had

lipstick on it too let's thank you very

much martin oh for heaven's sake

ask was to fight mr white saw him who's

mr white the blind man

what well i mean he would have seen him

his dog sniffed at his trousers

i have no dogs i need mr white dog don't

listen to him robert you mean martin was

seen by a blind dog

no listen to me robert

last night he was drinking some scotch

called old acquaintance

he had his gloves on and when you came

in he was making a pass at me making a

passage with his gloves on

oh how can you be so gosh darn stupid

he's going to murder you he's going to

take over the house of mcpherson

don't believe me how stupid can you be

as for you if you weren't such a drab

ordinary little man i think you'd

planned this all

how can you believe him you're you're

mad you're crazy

crazy bagpipes

this is bad house i beg you to control

yourself you're overwrought i've

discussed your

condition with dr fitch he tells me such

breakdowns are perfectly common

with women who undertake the the burden

of business life

[Music]

oh i'm sorry this had to happen martin

most distressing most distressing for

all

concerned i'm afraid mrs barrow's

usefulness in this office

is at an end i hope you dismiss the

whole thing from your mind

i will thank you very much

answer it with you i don't feel at all

well

hello this is mr mcpherson's office

speaking who is that please

oh would you mind remaining connected

for a moment sir

mr mcpherson he's the editor of the

scottish daily chronicle he'd like to

have a

few words i suppose we must carry on

men must work while women must weep

hello

mcpherson here

who said i was going in for synthetic

fiber

why should i just answer me that nothing

but a damn

silly you can take the facts from me sir

i am in the uh

where am i the cat bird seat

i'm in the cat bird seat no i don't know

where it is either but that's what i'm

in

thank you martin that'll be all

oh it's you

here there is no need to use violence

many a battle been won without even

striking a blow

what a gear shot right

[Applause]

[Music]

the battle of the sexes and never a

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

ceasefire

you see mr martin hasn't reckoned with

man's greatest hazard

the woman's tears

put it another way mr martin has won a

battle

but has he won the war well

let's let go

happy days

watch out

[Music]

you