Original subtitles

Read about the things that happen throughout the world.

Don't believe in everything you see or hear.

For Picture of the Week, I'm Dara O Briain. Joining us this week are Rhys

Tiff Stevenson and Ed Gamble, Nish Kumar, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.

We start tonight with a round called Picture of the Week. I show the panel a

topical image and ask them to tell me what is happening.

So, what's going on here?

Is this from an airline safety video to tell you how not to put on an oxygen

mask?

She's so happy because she knows Africa's the one place she definitely

into Boris Johnson.

My favourite thing is the person just to the right of her who was thinking, how

did they colonise us?

Is she thinking, just three more of these and I'll be able to have sex with

Philip?

It looks like she's about to do a rendition of the Gloria Gaynor classic,

Won't Survive.

Is the special relationship now so bad that that is her direct line to Donald

Trump?

I've convinced Theresa May to go to Africa to investigate a promising email

my Nigerian prince.

It's quite a bold move to go to a country where you played quite a big

the slave trade and wear a chain on your wrist.

You do know Angela had no part in the slave trade?

You just knew it, it wasn't me.

Judging by everyone's reaction in the background, is this Theresa May doing

stand -up routine in which she roasts blue hats?

And you know what it actually is? Of course we do. We've just been joking.

How long have you been doing this?

We have to dance our dance, you and I, here. Let us not act like we don't.

is the current Prime Minister.

Yes, she's in Kenya and she's doing a trade deal.

We're going to give them marmalade.

And they give us top class athletes.

This is Prime Minister Theresa May on a recent visit to Kenya. The secret so

-called Chequers plan for Brexit, which was agreed in July, has been attacked by

her own MPs and by the EU's chief negotiator, Michel Barnier, who is

particularly scathing about May's Brexit plan.

Was it by any chance, Boris Johnson?

By any crazy chance?

He's basically pushing to take Theresa May's job at this point. He can be PM.

See how difficult it is to be PM and go, yeah, I want that job. It's like

watching One Born Every Minute and immediately trying for a... kid and also

i mean why is he communicating with theresa may through telegraph columns

has he not got a mobile phone next week is it going to be a column saying sorry

i missed your call theresa i was on the tube two words for you angela white

people

That's how you guys love to chat. You can't ever explain your feelings unless

it's in the form of a telegraph column. If Nish was a little doll where you

pulled the string, the catchphrase would be, Well, I'd be... No, I regret it.

If the Conservatives were a family, they'd have a social worker by now.

Do you think if it was the Irish leaving the European Union, it would be a much

quicker thing? You could do the Irish goodbye.

You just sort of leave without saying anything and then text Michelle Barnier

saying, gone home too pissed.

So I was really offended.

That's the Irish goodbye. Yeah, that's the Irish goodbye.

I'm going to the toilet and then you just get a cab without saying goodbye

then... Weirdly, the Norwegians do do that.

They'll just turn around mid -sentence and go, and go.

No, no, no, they just didn't like you.

That is a phrase I've heard, like, the Irish goodbyes leave you quickly,

now a British goodbye is when you leave a party, but you don't leave, and

instead you shit yourself and then shout at everyone.

That's always been a British goodbye.

This is your fault! The British goodbyes do mean that you announce you're

leaving, and then... Oh, they're still here!

The exit no longer makes sense in Brexit. It should be called, Brovers

are welcome.

It's a weird thing about him though, it's strange, it's like, it doesn't

how, somebody keeps giving him more chances though.

It's like Wile E. Coyote.

It's basically, he did the Foreign Secretary, and no one I think would just

probably say that he was a very good Foreign Secretary, and so he left, and

went, fine, you're gone. And then the Telegraph, like some weird regeneration

point in a video game, bumps his health back up again.

Somebody you cannot kill in Fortnite.

You are obsessed with Fortnite.

No, I will not stop playing Fortnite!

Don't tell me to stop playing Fortnite!

Trust me, he's got wreath telling you to grow up. That is worrying.

You get 30 minutes and I have not had 30 minutes.

Do you want to know why Boris keeps getting chances again?

Yeah. Pumice drink you.

White people!

I think Barnier was critical as well, though.

Barnier was, yes, yeah. He said that we couldn't go round, like, British people

couldn't go cherry -picking what they wanted, and I thought, that's ironic,

because if we don't get a deal, that's exactly what we will be doing.

Barnier, whose criticism is probably more salient in this situation than

Boris's, also not happy.

We're not looking at the real important thing, which they announced last week,

is that if we don't secure a deal, there's going to be a sperm shortage.

And that is... Not in my house. Yeah.

Not at Chequers, either. There's plenty of wankers in there. We should just go

full in on Michelle Barnier now and just show them what it's going to be like in

post -Brexit Britain and only refer to him as Michael Barnes for the rest of

year.

Mickey. Mickey Barnes. Mickey Barnes.

Barno. Barno. Basil.

Michael Basil.

Mickey B! Mickey B!

Mickey B!

Mickey B! Mickey B! Mickey B!

We have to take these negotiations more seriously. Oh, Mickey B, Mickey B,

Mickey B!

You want Mickey B? Give us some sperm!

The deadline's quite soon, though. It is coming up.

Worth stressing. The deadline is pretty soon. If university deadlines have

taught me anything, Theresa May is about to claim that her grandad died again.

Ten weeks away, isn't it, the deadline?

If I was her, I'd stay in Africa and have a career as a dancer. That's what

do.

She looked like a home county's librarian in a Zumba class for the first

She'd shimmy your way out of messing up Brexit, love.

I know the idea that she was dancing to distract people from the mess.

If I just dance, then they won't spot what's happening.

Get the engine running, Philip!

It wasn't just people making fun of an older person dancing.

She's a really weird dancer. Yeah. She looked like one of the mops in Fantasia.

Look, look, listen. This is where she was in Africa last week, and many people

commented on this.

OK,

let's stop watching that now.

Thank you. Do me a favour. You know what to do.

White people!

I'm actually just copying everything those kids were doing. Do you think we

should get them to negotiate a trade deal?

I think she's in a bit of a no -win situation there. Because she danced and

everyone made fun of her bad dancing.

People would be really annoyed if she was good at dancing.

She should have been running the country, not pulling off a flawless body

It's the phrase, dance like no one's watching, not dance like a marionette

puppet being controlled by someone being attacked by a wasp.

Moving on. Why has Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn been under pressure?

He's been involved in an anti -Semitism round.

Oh, God, really? Is that new?

I think it is unfair, you know, to expect Jeremy Corbyn to sort out

anti -Semitism or have a coherent strategy on Brexit.

Because it is... half his time on his allotment.

And on top of all that, he's just caught his cock in his zip.

The funny thing about it is that if you tweet anything about, you know, critical

of the way Labour's handled the anti -Semitism case, which there's plenty to

talk about with that. They've made a real... They've really handled it

But if you tweet anything about it, you get people online replying going, look,

there's no problem with anti -Semitism. You've just bought into a conspiracy by

the Rothschilds and George Soros. And you're like, I mean, that is exactly...

What you basically just said there is, there's no problem with anti -Semitism.

You've just been tricked by some lying Jews.

Can I just quickly say, I'd really appreciate that if no one edited that

context.

Followed up with you saying, white people.

It's a real shame when Hugh pulls the string on your back and in the edit you

go, lying Jew.

We were on here talking about how boring and quaint Jeremy Corbyn was. It's like

someone's taken him aside and gone, listen, your image is a bit boring,

try and have a little bit of edge, and he has just run with that to the end.

I go, Jeremy, we sort of meant get a motorbike, not get embroiled in an anti

-Semitism debate.

It's like a couple, isn't it?

Because Labour were looking like they were doing well, they'd settled their

differences, and it's like a new couple, it's all going well, and then suddenly

he asks if he can wee on her feet.

That was alarmingly specific.

Hey, we've all been there.

I tell you what, my feet are the softest in the business.

Oh, no.

Which business?

We really tackle the hard issues.

It is bizarre, though, because it's been rolling along for months.

Surely this is not difficult to settle.

Surely, and it was only this week that they've actually taken on board the 11

recommendations by the Holocaust Centre that these are the definitions that you

should go with. You go, wow, you dragged this out. You know, there is a whole

thing going on. The rest of us are going to worry about Brexit while you're

doing this mad whirl.

And then the Tories have a problem with Muslims as well. This apparently is

going to be the Tories' problem with Muslims. What? Like, you know, are we

to find the SNP hate Rastafarians?

And the Lib Dems are bad on the Buddhists. And the DUP... Oh, wait, no,

I can't find the point, so do I.

Now we

play a round called Jewish. You hadn't said that.

Angela and Rhys, so if you could make your way to the performance area,

This round is a stand -up challenge. I launch the Wheel of News, and wherever

you choose to stop, one of our performers must step forward and talk

subject. OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.

And the first subject is exercise.

OK, well, I'm fairly new to the exercise game. I tried it once a few years ago.

I got myself a personal trainer. I don't know if you've ever had one of those

psychopaths in your life.

out when the first thing she said to me was so angela tell me what is your

current exercise regime is that one of those i wouldn't need you love would i

also i don't like your use of the word regime it makes it sound like my body's

some sort of communist state it's just a state now sort it out

fitness class, my friend took me to a fitness class, I was very nervous going

in, because I'm not a gym person, you know, and I thought it was going to be

full of people, all pumped up gym bunnies, and I'd look out of place, you

and I walked in, and I was delighted to find it was full of other overweight,

middle -aged women, and then three seconds later, I thought, but it don't

then, does it?

So I go to AA, and they're all pissed.

I did it and I loved it and I love my fitness classes now I do two or three a

week my favourite is one called body pump which is brilliant it's a weight

lifting class but it's also very good for the core because you spend an hour

trying to keep a fart in

Recently, my boyfriend, he's an ultra marathon runner, right? We're very

different. And he said to me recently, he said, you should try running, right?

When I stopped laughing, he said, no, honestly, there's this app you can

download. It's called Couch to 5K.

So it takes someone like you who's never run before, and it shows you how you

can run 5K in nine weeks. I was like, you cheeky bastard, even I can run 5K in

nine weeks.

with Reese. Let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the wheel.

And the topic is family.

There I am.

Really close to my family. Really close. Growing up, my mum always used to say,

if you masturbate too much, you go blind.

It's a weird thing to say to a child, isn't it? That's what she said. If you

masturbate too much, you go blind. And then one week ago, she asked me to drive

her to get laser eye surgery.

The other thing she'd say was, oh, so if Dan jumped off a cliff, you'd do that

as well, would you? I was like, yes, mum, what don't you understand about a

suicide pact?

My grandma as well, way too sassy at the moment, way too sassy, my grandma. She

keeps banging on about how much better it was in her day.

Constantly, always.

Went to the cinema recently, right? First time I've been to the cinema since

Orange Wednesday's collapsed.

Big day.

I've been saving up for a long time. I thought, you know what? I'm going to

treat my grandma.

She's got meerkat movies, so it's still two for one.

And we went to see a film.

Called Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I don't know if you've seen it, but if

you haven't, you must. Way to make a classic even more classic.

It combines popular things from different eras. What was popular in

Zombies. What was popular in 1918?

Pride, sure. Prejudice, just a bit. So it's marrying together.

Our favorite part. She hated it, though. We left the cinema, she was whinged.

She said, oh, it was so much better in my day. Everything was so much better in

my day. And listen, we all know that's not true.

Does no one else find that kind of rude? To brag to me about a time period I

will never get to experience because I was not alive at the time.

I don't go and visit her, sit her down, looking at her 84 -year -old face and

go, the future is going to be amazing.

Our next round of call, if this is the answer, what is the question?

On the board are six categories. Tiff, which category would you like?

Oh, could I have world news, please?

OK, your category is world news, and the answer is 12 miles. What is the

question? Is it, under the terms of my restraining order, how close I'm allowed

to Ryan Gosling?

Is it, how far away from my house am I willing to say, here's fine, thanks,

mate, when my taxi driver brings up immigration?

Is it when Jeremy Corbyn says some of his close friends are Jewish, what does

mean by close?

If you shave up all your pubes and lay them out end to end, how far must you

remain from schools at all times?

Also, what do you mean, all your pubes?

There are three, and they have names.

And they're Ed, Dara and Hugh.

I'm trying to get the middle chair again.

You're still captain on my pubes.

Is it the radius around Nigel Farage's house beyond which he considers you

foreign?

How much of HS2 will ever be built?

Is it if I put a pedometer on a teenage boy's wrist, how far will it say he's

walked in a day?

I bought my grandparents a TV to watch this episode.

If I bought all the things being offered to me in spam emails, how big would my

dick be?

How deep would a Thai football team go for their coach?

All five.

OK. How long is God's dick?

Didn't have the correct answer. Yes.

It's a fishing question, isn't it? It is.

How far off the French coast did British and French fishermen start fighting?

Absolutely right. Thank you very much. Cheers!

Yes, the question I was looking for was how far off the coast of France have

French and British fishermen clashed?

It's the news that a war over scallops has broken out between fishermen from

two countries. What has happened?

It's being called the Scallop War, which also sounds like the worst installment

of the Call of Duty series.

Scallop War sounds like the sort of show Dara hosts.

Get your scallops ready!

When I first heard that the French were attacking us because of scallops, I

assumed we must be cooking them wrong.

It does sound like the poshest food fight ever, doesn't it? It starts off as

oyster kerfuffle.

He goes on to a langoustine skirmish and ends up in a scallop war.

If it's not quickly resolved, there is going to be a small gap in Waitrose's

seafood section between crayfish tails and the langoustines.

I'm not prepared to put up with that.

You're very much a comedian of the people, aren't you?

I don't think people realise what a terrible hors d 'oeuvre shortage this

lead to.

I'm not that upset because I'm allergic to them. To the French?

I am violently sick when I have them, so I literally can't keep them down. It's

like when I eat breakfast and switch on Good Morning Britain.

That would win us the scallop war. You just put you on a boat and then you put

one in your mouth and just spray the French.

The French boats were throwing stones, weren't they?

That's a cheeky thing.

Where did they get the stones?

All the British visual goods throwback were, scallops!

They are trying to negotiate, but it's very difficult because each side thinks

the other one is talking scallops.

That was a carry -on joke from 1964.

Is it scallops or scallops? I think it's scallops, but then I shop at Waitrose.

How did the Kuwaiti fishmonger get into trouble? The Kuwaiti fishmonger stuck.

googly eyes on his fish so that they look fresher. Yeah. And by fresher, he

presumably means like they've just emerged from the bowels of hell.

This is how the fish appeared to... They look like a

wacky birthday card. I know, but actually, actually, you know, if you tap

googly eye... There's no new story which isn't improved by putting googly eyes

in their skull.

The world isn't better by wanted posters. Put googly eyes on it. It

work. I tried it after I ran over my niece's dog and she didn't fall for it.

I've not ever bought a fish because I got lost in its eyes.

It's always a sign of freshness, how the eyes deteriorate quickly. It's the

equivalent of him going, ooh, it's such a fresh fish.

In other news, which financial organisation ran into trouble recently?

This is presumably Wonga. It's Wonga, yeah. But I do feel weird about

Wonga as a financial organisation.

Yeah. I feel a bit like calling Greggs a patisserie.

It's a name that sounds ridiculous in the city. It's not built to last. A

solid financial name like Lehman or AIG.

Or Northern Rock.

I feel sorry for them. They'd already lost their chocolate factory.

Such a different version of that film.

Willy Wonga and the Chocolate Factory.

You find a, you find a, oh, I found a golden ticket. Oh, I've got to repay

They're screwed, aren't they? Basically, they've gone into administration.

If only they'd taken out some PPI.

To be fair, Wonga helped me buy my new car.

They did, because I put a hundred quid bet on them going under this year.

The reason they had the old people as the puppet is because they wanted to

it seem like, oh, it's your grandma lending you some money.

My grandma has never gone, oh, here's a tenner, don't tell your mum. And I've

gone, why not? And she's gone, because if you don't give me 20 grand in a week,

I'll break your fucking leg.

Now we come to...

Please, we'd like to see, so if everyone can make their way over to the

performance area, I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what

panelists can come up with.

Okay, here we go.

The first subject is... Rejected exam questions.

If Tony is 35 and Jane leaves him after a seven -year relationship, why did she

waste the best years of his life?

This is a picture of Napoleon Bonaparte.

Which part of Napoleon's boner is it?

Biology. What happens when you stand on an upturned plug?

Three marks.

If a bus leaves London at 7am, how far will it get before Boris Johnson writes

lie on the side of it?

Open your biology question books where you will find an image of the male

reproductive organ Mr. Tyler keeps doing that. That's why we've had to let him

go Why is Piers Morgan

If an apple a day keeps a normal doctor

away, how many apples would you have needed to defeat Harold Shipman?

Translate the following into German.

Hello, I'm a British refugee.

Please can I live in your country?

If I mix two parts ethanol with one Whitney Houston CD, will I get over my

This is your PE practical exam.

For 30 marks, bully that little pale boy until he has to become a comedian.

Maths. Two, four, six, eight.

Who do we appreciate?

And that concludes your French oral. Pop your trousers up and I'll see you on

Monday.

Identify the white powder.

Good, isn't it? 30 grand a kilo.

All right, you muppets, if I... X minus Y equals 12, then what's 3X over 4Y? I'm

Danny Dyer, and welcome to Britain's Hardest Exams.

How fresh is Dara, really?

You've just seen the bloke at Gregg's pick it up off the floor.

If a train leaves a station and it's operated by Southern Rail... Oh,

you just turned 15, did you?

All right.

OK, the next topic is...

To me.

Yes,

Piglet, I know you've been playing with poo in the woods because you stink and

it's all over your hands.

The brave little toaster's owner was about to take him on his wildest

yet, all the way to the brave little bath.

Said Pingu.

Sorry, said his mother.

What the fuck are you talking about?

This is Blue Peter, and I think we can all agree we should have taken him to a

hospital by now.

Oh, look, it's the Teletubbies, or as they're otherwise known, the Fart Family

from Gogglebox.

Thomas the Tank Engine was happy.

He'd joined Thameslink and hadn't had to do anything for over a month.

It's the family with 11 fingers and 12 toes.

Yes, it's the Imbredables.

So it turns out flowerpot men is no longer politically correct and they will

henceforth known as Bill and Ben the Gays.

Something's wrong with Woody. I just keep pulling the string on his back and

keeps going, white people!

Up next, in the night garden.

Can you stop calling it that? It really puts me off.

Kung Fu Panda, the least racist hero of all time, as he is black and white and

Asian.

E .T. send nudes.

Look, Bag Puss has been updated.

Now he's Dyson Bagless Puss.

But, Quasimodo, what makes you think you need to see a back doctor?

Uh, I have a hunch.

bad news. The bad news is I'm pregnant. The good news is I've learned the

aborter spell.

That won't go in. That definitely won't go in.

No, I'm Willy Wonga. Ten grand or I'll take your piano.

Robin, do you know if Alfred has a charger for an iPhone 8?

The Adventures of Low Batman.

What is Peter Rabbit doing in the garden?

Mummy was sure she'd left him in her bedroom drawer.

SpongeBob went to the crab shack and met up with all his spongy mates and they

could all agree that contraceptive sponge had had the worst day.

This week on Paw Patrol, Rocky gets hit by a car and the driver has to finish

him off with a rolled up Asian's head.

That's the end of the show. This week's winners are...

Commiserations to...

Thanks for watching. I'm Zara

Breen. Good night.