All language subtitles for Mock The Week - s17e05

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Welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara
Breen. Joining me this week are Tez

Kerry Godleyman and Ed Byrne, James
Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Tom Allen.

We started a round called Picture of the
Week. I showed the panel a topical

image and asked them to tell me what's
happening. So what's going on here?

Tell you what, Harry Potter's aged a
bit.

It's the one on... the left a member of
the cabinet and he's just realised he's

a member of the cabinet.

You think it might just be a new way of
getting rid of her? They're going, you

hide, Theresa.

We may never find you.

Has Theresa May just told that bloke
there that Danny Dyer and Jack Ma split

on Love Island?

It looks like a twist on the sort of
Three Wise Monkeys, sort of see no evil.

hear quite a lot of evil.

And let me be clear about this, evil
means evil.

It actually looks like a very sort of
typical Tory tableau, where Theresa's

going, I know you've run away, and
you're not happy there, but your father

are sending you straight back to
boarding school.

I know the beatings are hateful, but it
will make a man of you.

Why do I feel that this comes from a
very deep place, Hugh?

I didn't go to boarding school. That is
a common misconception.

So has Theresa May just told him that
there's no more poor brown people left

the Middle East to test British weapons
on?

Oh, cool.

Controversial. Oh, interesting.

Yes. You're not sure what way to react
to that, are you?

If I delivered it, you'd know how to
react. But he delivered it, and now

conflicted.

Is the man on the left displaying shame?

And Theresa May is just fascinated
because she's never experienced emotions

before.

I don't know what's going on with her.

That's the face I'm like, is my skirt
tucked in my knickers?

Well, she just said something like, do
you know that we're in charge of a bit

Ireland?

It looks like he just accidentally
called Theresa May mum.

Does anyone have the correct answer?

Well, it's Gavin Williamson. It is. And
he is one of the members of the Cabinet

who are kind of lining themselves up to
take over from Theresa May if she

resigns. Yes, of course. Thank you very
much to you.

This is Prime Minister Theresa May, her
husband Philip, and Defence Secretary

Gavin Williamson pictured at this
weekend's Armed Forces Day.

This week, Theresa May has come under
increased pressure amidst rumours of a

number of ministers lining up to
challenge her for leadership of the

Conservative Party.

So, who is putting Theresa May under the
pressure?

Gavin Williamson, obviously being one of
those. We can't have a Prime Minister

called Gavin, can we? Like, Gavin...

He was always like, always had a runny
nose.

He was her campaign manager, so he said
that if I made her, I can destroy her.

He said I can break her?

He said I can break her? And then he
went, do you want to go to a parade?

That's not the whole point of making
something, is it? If you make something,

you don't look forward to breaking it.

I don't make a cake and go, I can't wait
to break that cake.

You make a cake and then leave it
untouched.

Is your house like some weird serial
killer? I presume it is anyway, Jake.

Just like loads of cakes under glass
domes. Yeah, and I'll stroke them all

before I go and do Mock the Week.

For a little bit of good luck.

So you're like a cakey?

That's one of them. That's only one of
their names. I'm not telling you all

their names, otherwise you'll have
control over it.

Jeremy Hunt's after a job as well, isn't
he? He is, yeah. Once someone else

comes in, he's out of a job forever,
surely. They just shoot him up with a

cannon.

Well, that's not what they do. I like it
so that whoever comes in next gets to

fire the previous cab.

Literally, out of a cannon, yeah.

Does it lead to a net, this cannon, or
is it like... Better not land in one of

my cakes.

I'd be so angry.

If they smash Cakey.

If I smash up Cakey and Jeremy Hunt's
there.

just sitting in viking she's a
victorious person

now

we have two yes

uh gavin demanded more money because the
nhs got more money and he's got guns

and stuff isn't he

And the point was made to him, Gavin,
we're not at war, you know, so we're not

spending two billion, you know, because
if we're at war, Gavin, you come back

here. The minute we're at war, I want to
hear your footsteps running down that

corridor. I want to hear, I've already
got the checkbook out. Look, my pen's

hovering. But until we're at war, not at
war.

No, not at war, right?

Gavin, look out the window. Is there a
war? No, there's no war.

I think it's all very undignified, Dara,
all this arguing all the time. I mean,

it's interesting, isn't it, that
ordinary people, they just have their

maybe in a supermarket car park, but
then, like rich, posh people, they do it

the columns of Sunday newspapers.

So do you think it would be better if,
say, the Telegraph on a Sunday opened up

its comment pages to, as you say, poor
people who wish to continue... I said

ordinary people. Well, it was implied.

I think...

The thing is, everything I say, that
does happen.

Tom, I think it was the disgust with
which you used the phrase, supermarket

park.

That was not really... Would you say
it's better? Just because you get Ocado

deliver it.

But do you think it would be better if
the Telegraph opened its comment pages

ordinary people who are having domestic
arguments to basically have an 800 -word

piece with the headline, No, Terry, I am
not a slag. You're a mother... And a

well -argued... Yes. I mean, have you
seen how successful ITV is?

He ripped up a report detailing May's
new proposals for a customs partnership,

didn't he?

Literally ripped it up. Literally ripped
it up. A sheet of that man. Can you

imagine the sheer primal rage of Michael
Dole?

He's the Environment Secretary. He
should not be wasting paper by ripping

He was a frog and then got kissed by
princess, but only halfway transformed

Which unexpected figure however
crystallized the nation's feelings about

brexit this week Danny Dyer Danny Dyer.
Yes. Is it the dad one? Not the other

one the other Danny Dyer It's more
confusing for

me because Danny Dyer is the name of a
carrot cake I made

David Dyer has, as you say, crystallised
the nation's feelings in that he called

David Cameron a twat, which had a lot of
impact, especially considering he was

sitting next to Piers Morgan when he
said it.

How much do you need to hate somebody
that you would call somebody else that

word? Well, Piers Morgan is within
earshot.

We would love to show you the clip, but
there are rights issues and we can't.

However, as we've hit one of the great
speeches of modern political life, it

sounds best if it's delivered properly.

Hugh, could you possibly deliver the
full...

No.

Who knows about Brexit?

No one's got a fucking clue.

You watch Question Time.

It's comedy.

No, I ain't got a clue.

It's like this mad riddle that no one
knows what it is, right?

So what's happened to that twat, David
Cameron, who called it on?

Let's be fair.

How come he can scuttle off? He called
all this on, yeah? Where is he? He's in

Europe, in Nice, with his trotters up,
yeah.

Where is the geezer?

Think he should be held to account for
it. He should be held to account for it

twat

Representative

of the underclass did I just witness
cultural appropriation there?

Can you scuttle if you got trotters

In other news, what's going on here?

Is that miniaturised Jeremy Corbyn gets
trapped in a shopping trolley?

Is that Jeremy Corbyn runs into trouble
at the US border being a mistake for a

Mexican toddler?

Is someone about to push him through it
like Play -Doh?

He's saying, please, please.

please pay whatever they're asking for
my release.

They don't have hummus here and the jam
isn't organic.

Spearmint Rhino unveil their new caged
answer.

Is it somebody who's just asked him
about Brexit and now he's trying to

onto the fence so he can sit on it?

Why has Corbyn come under pressure this
week? He's the leader of the opposition,

and he's not opposing anything.

Yeah, that's probably getting inching
closer to the truth, all right, yeah. I

think his position is very hard, because
a lot of people in the Labour

heartlands of the North voted to Brexit.

And so you can't just abandon them,
because if he loses the North, then the

Lannisters will win.

round called Gove Island.

This game involves Tez and Tom. If you
could make your way to the performance

area, please.

This round is a standard challenge. I
launch the wheel of news and whoever

chooses to stop one of our performers
can step forward and talk about that

subject.

Okay, let's spin the wheel.

The first object is religion.

Who wants to go in that?

Tez.

I'm religious, not very popular these
days. It surprises me how much people

don't know about my religion, Islam,
given how much it's in the news.

I've got a... We've nailed that.

I've got a good friend called Jonathan.
We've been friends for years.

He doesn't know that much about me. A
couple of months ago, me and Jonathan

in a nice restaurant having a nice meal.

Next to the table, minding their own
business.

They're minding their own business.
Everyone's having a wonderful time.

Halfway through my meal, the balloon
closest to me from the birthday table,

burst. And I just shouted out in my
excitement, Jesus Christ, Jonathan lost

damn mind.

Oh, Jesus Christ, is it?

Welcome to your Allah Muhammad now,
mate.

I'm like, Jonathan, what have you won?

He went, nah, mate, it's just you
banging about being Muslim, yeah?

But in that moment when you were scared,
when you were fearful for your safety,

you didn't think of Allah, you didn't
think of Muhammad, your mind went

to a Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

What does that shit say about you,
rubbish Muslim?

All right, Jonathan, I can clearly see
this is the best day of your

life.

Three things.

Thing number one, you should be aware of
this, but if you're not, for Muslims...

Jesus, that's our vice -captain.

Secondly, me just invoking Jesus Christ
is just me invoking a British cultural

saying. If anything, it shows how well
integrated I am. Thank you very much.

And thirdly, most importantly, Jonathan,
if at that moment there was a loud

bang, I shouted in Arabic, you don't
shit yourself!

Okay, that leaves us with Tom. Let's see
what your topic is. Let's spin the

wheel.

The topic is driving.

Oh. Oh.

I have to drive because I run like that.

Now, I don't want you guys to think I'm
a failure just because I live at

home with my mum and dad and I'm 35
years old.

Because recently one of the things I did
is I finally passed my driving test!

You would not clap if you'd seen me do
it. I found the whole process very

stressful, and I get quite nervous about
it. And people aren't very much help

when you feel nervous. Like I say, oh,
I'm feeling nervous, and they go, oh,

don't be nervous!

Oh, thanks very much, I hadn't thought
of it like that!

when you first pass your driving test,
everyone has to go on this one right -of

-passage drive to an out -of -town
shopping centre, which goes by the name

Blue Water.

And so I decided I wouldn't go on my
own. I thought, I'll take someone with

I'll take my dad with me, because I've
got a good relationship with my dad, and

I thought this would be a great way to
end it.

And, like, the last thing my dad taught
me how to do was how to box, yeah, when

I was being picked on at school.

Can you imagine?

And he was just standing there going,
it's all right, you've just got to punch

my hands. Just try to punch my hands. I
was cowering in the corner going, no,

Dad, no, I can't do it. I can't deal
with confrontation.

It doesn't sound right in my accent.

And Dad was going, oh, I thought you'd
be much better at this. I mean, you've

already got the silk dressing gown on
and everything.

So we're sat there in the car, right,
and there's already a tension.

And we're going along, and we come to
some traffic lights, and they're red.

means you have to stop. I've done the
theory test as well.

the lights went from red to amber to
green and I went to drive off and what

happened is I Stalled the engine and my
dad bless him. He turned to me and he

said concentrate Which is such a calming
thing to say

Our next round is called, if this is the
answer, what is the question? On the

board are six categories. Kerry, which
category would you like?

Home news, please.

Your category is home news. The answer
is chicken, beer and crumpets. What is

the question?

Is it the nicknames I've given my
nipples?

Is it the name of Gwyneth Paltrow's
children?

What did Gaza turn up with when Maradona
was in hospital?

Is it, in my song about my favourite
things, what line comes after Dickens,

Dears and Drumkins?

Is it, what is the name of the least
successful

Earth, Wind and Fire tribute act?

Is it, what is the password to my new
secret chicken beer and crumpets club?

Nigella Lawson calls for the second the
camera switches off.

And that's a wrap. Give us some beer!

Take a fag out of the oven.

Is it people who search for turkey, wine
and

muffins also searched for...

Is

it what my broth smells like on New
Year's Day?

Kerry, do you say crumpet or do you say
crumpet?

We're coming from very different.

I am not as posh as I think I am.

Are those crumpet toastay?

You're very waitrose. I'm a bit more
Aldi. Oh, Aldi's great, though, for

is a wonderful place to have an argument
with to watch The

correct answer is what what are we going
to have a shortage of I think because

of the co2?

Shortage absolutely right. Thank you
very much Yeah

What foods have been affected by a
recent shortage of CO2? Chicken, beer

crumpets are just some of the things in
short supply in the UK, owing to a

temporary break in the production of
carbon dioxide.

Now, what way has the country been
affected by the CO2 crisis?

In ASDA online, they're rationing the
amount of Coke and Pepsi you can buy to

six massive bottles.

I'm serious, Stu. How am I meant to have
a fizzy bath?

Who's coming to the rescue in the CO2
crisis? The Norwegians. The Norwegians.

What are the Norwegians bringing?
They're sending a barge with 10 ,000

CO2 on it to our rescue. This does sound
like a scam, though. In a kind of a,

yes, I've got your odeless invisible
gas.

If you'd just like to sign here and give
it a check.

I have it in my pocket right here.

It's amazing how small it is when you
just compact it down.

Careful, careful, careful, careful.

It's yours now.

Run off in Norwegian. That was
Norwegian.

We've done it, we've done it. Quick, get
out of here.

I found a way around the fizzy drink
thing.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Nando's do bottomless soft drinks.

You've solved that one, haven't you?

For the price of one, I've got it
forever.

Yes, but unfortunately... The following
day, you're standing there, they're

unlocking and you're standing at the
door going, tap, tap, tap.

I was just wondering, Dara, if you read
about Britain's potato shortage and felt

the same way I did.

A little wise smile maybe?

If you will rely on potatoes, you'll
find that'll bite you in the arse

sometimes.

In other news, what's going on here?

Explain to us what football is, Tom.
Explain.

It's where all the straight people go.

So England on Tuesday progressed to the
quarter -finals of the World Cup, where

they'll face Sweden on Saturday.

But who's, without gloating, had a bad
World Cup?

Germany. Germany had a very bad World
Cup. Germany had a very bad World Cup.

They had the previous world champions.

But I guess it's not the first time that
Germany have become unstuck in Russia.

What, too soon?

Hopefully they'll react better this
time.

Who is becoming a likely fashion icon at
this tournament? Oh, the England

manager, him.

Yes. I wear a lot of waistcoats as well,
may I say, so I don't know if it's

exclusively Gareth Southgate who's made
them popular.

Well, I mean... All I'm saying, Gareth,
is I see you. If you shoot for the king,

you'd better not miss.

As soon as England starts to do well,
it's always like, oh, we could win this.

I've seen this guy who got a tattoo of
saying... England World Cup winners 2018

tattooed on his belly. Already? Oh,
there he is? Yeah.

He looks exactly like I imagined.

In the news, what problems has heatwave
caused?

Fires.

Fire! Thank you very much. It's almost
elemental.

Fire!

Only there was a metaphor available to
describe the wildfire spreading.

Yes.

Why don't we name heatwaves? We name
cold snaps and storms, don't we? We

name a heatwave Sweaty Betty, Claggy
Brenda.

I love it. I've been wearing my shades.

I've become a different person when I've
got my shades on.

Called Cool James.

Would you like to meet him?

I'm excited now, yes. I thought Cool
James was the name of your Eccles cakes.

No way.

I don't know who this pretty cool guy
is, but welcome to Mock the Week.

What happened?

OK, Cool James.

How does Cool James feel about
continuity within a television

You tell all those editors in your ear.

Edit in a showdown?

Not cool.

It's gone. It's gone.

It's gone. It went away.

I'd like you to meet my friend, Blind
Ed.

At the end of that line, of course,
we've got James, Hugh and Tom.

Now we come to the scenes we'd like to
see. So if everyone can make their way

over to the performance area, I'll read
out this week's topic, then we'll see

what our panel can come up with.

OK, here we go.

The first subject is... Things you
wouldn't hear on a property show.

So, it's a two up, two down. It's
unusual, but those are the testicles I

born with.

Welcome to the show. We'll be looking at
houses that have been designed by

someone's nan.

Yes, it's grand design.

Of course, finding something in London
on your budget was very, very difficult,

so this property does come with a bit of
a commute.

Welcome to Stoke.

Our property is theft!

Goodnight.

Bit mean, but we've put together a
montage of first -time buyers being told

about stamp duty for the first time.

for an extension. He went and got a
conservatory. I actually meant a penis

enlargement.

This week, Bert bought a yurt.

And that sentence alone makes this the
most fun show we've ever done.

Hi, I'm Kirsty Olsop and this week I'll
be patronising more millennials.

You can't have dreams and a second
bedroom. Wake up.

Well, there used to be a railway
station, but there haven't been any

for nearly 40 years. It's Hayward's
Heath on Southern Railway.

And Simon has converted this railway
carriage into his very own office, just

yelling into his mobile phone like an
arsehole.

This house was built on an ancient
burial ground, which is why the

been hosted by me.

The ghost of a hunchback Victorian boy
trying to explain fixed rate mortgages.

Now, this next property is about £50
,000 over Philip and Susan's budget.

Luckily, though, Philip's grandmother
has just died.

The laws of notorious people live on
these here branches.

Piers Morgan, Katie Hopkins, Donald
Trump...

Escape to the country.

No, this is escape to the... So

if you want to brighten up your

kitchen, turn the light on.

Susan turned her two bedroom house into
a ten bedroom house by putting a bed in

every room.

I'm Danny Dyer. Welcome to Let's Do This
Gaffer.

Well, there you go.

Immediately you can see how much roomier
it looks without the old lady and the

oxygen cylinders.

Okay, the next topic is... On likely
dating profiles.

Do you want a man who's comfortable to
say the word love?

Call me.

I'm a Wimbledon umpire.

Hey, do you like it when two bodies come
together and fall into great ecstasy?

Me too. Let's find some and watch them
from the bushes.

Once you go Asian, you'll never go
Caucasian.

All right,

long walk from the beach.

A pebble beach.

Barefoot. I love pain. I love PAIN!

Vegan woman in her thirties seeks vegan
man for fun, companionship and joyless

dinners out.

And would it impress you to know that I
typed out this entire profile using my

dick?

Age 50, never married, loves books,
gardening, knitting and long walks.

gentleman who's very kind and likes
similar things.

Must be hung like a hoover.

Sensible man with Bingley Building
Society gold account at 1 .85%. Seeks

woman with similar interests.

Hello, I'm looking for a bloke called
Dave.

He's been hanging out in Nice,
apparently got his trotters up.

Man in his 40s, owner of foldy -uppy
bike, looking for any woman who's

interested in me demonstrating my foldy
-uppy bike.

Look, it folds up.

Ambitious man with no sense of work
-life balance seeks... I haven't got

for this.

say I'm a bit old -fashioned in that I'm
a phenomenal bigot.

Man with huge belly suits concave woman.

Female, early 60s, high achiever, snappy
dressing leader of the Conservative

Party, very horny, has the potential to
fuck the whole country.

Thanks for watching. I'm Gary Breen.
Good night.

A comedian out of his comfort zone in
far -flung country, the Miss Ventures of

Romesh Ranganathan on BBC iPlayer and
here next Sunday.

Friday nights on BBC4, the place for
music with smashing hits, the 80s pop

of Britain and Ireland tomorrow night at
10.