Original subtitles

Read about the things that happen throughout the world.

Don't believe in everything you see or hear.

Read all about...

Welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara Breen. Joining me this week are Tez

Kerry Godleyman and Ed Byrne, James Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Tom Allen.

We started a round called Picture of the Week. I showed the panel a topical

image and asked them to tell me what's happening. So what's going on here?

Tell you what, Harry Potter's aged a bit.

It's the one on... the left a member of the cabinet and he's just realised he's

a member of the cabinet.

You think it might just be a new way of getting rid of her? They're going, you

hide, Theresa.

We may never find you.

Has Theresa May just told that bloke there that Danny Dyer and Jack Ma split

on Love Island?

It looks like a twist on the sort of Three Wise Monkeys, sort of see no evil.

hear quite a lot of evil.

And let me be clear about this, evil means evil.

It actually looks like a very sort of typical Tory tableau, where Theresa's

going, I know you've run away, and you're not happy there, but your father

are sending you straight back to boarding school.

I know the beatings are hateful, but it will make a man of you.

Why do I feel that this comes from a very deep place, Hugh?

I didn't go to boarding school. That is a common misconception.

So has Theresa May just told him that there's no more poor brown people left

the Middle East to test British weapons on?

Oh, cool.

Controversial. Oh, interesting.

Yes. You're not sure what way to react to that, are you?

If I delivered it, you'd know how to react. But he delivered it, and now

conflicted.

Is the man on the left displaying shame?

And Theresa May is just fascinated because she's never experienced emotions

before.

I don't know what's going on with her.

That's the face I'm like, is my skirt tucked in my knickers?

Well, she just said something like, do you know that we're in charge of a bit

Ireland?

It looks like he just accidentally called Theresa May mum.

Does anyone have the correct answer?

Well, it's Gavin Williamson. It is. And he is one of the members of the Cabinet

who are kind of lining themselves up to take over from Theresa May if she

resigns. Yes, of course. Thank you very much to you.

This is Prime Minister Theresa May, her husband Philip, and Defence Secretary

Gavin Williamson pictured at this weekend's Armed Forces Day.

This week, Theresa May has come under increased pressure amidst rumours of a

number of ministers lining up to challenge her for leadership of the

Conservative Party.

So, who is putting Theresa May under the pressure?

Gavin Williamson, obviously being one of those. We can't have a Prime Minister

called Gavin, can we? Like, Gavin...

He was always like, always had a runny nose.

He was her campaign manager, so he said that if I made her, I can destroy her.

He said I can break her?

He said I can break her? And then he went, do you want to go to a parade?

That's not the whole point of making something, is it? If you make something,

you don't look forward to breaking it.

I don't make a cake and go, I can't wait to break that cake.

You make a cake and then leave it untouched.

Is your house like some weird serial killer? I presume it is anyway, Jake.

Just like loads of cakes under glass domes. Yeah, and I'll stroke them all

before I go and do Mock the Week.

For a little bit of good luck.

So you're like a cakey?

That's one of them. That's only one of their names. I'm not telling you all

their names, otherwise you'll have control over it.

Jeremy Hunt's after a job as well, isn't he? He is, yeah. Once someone else

comes in, he's out of a job forever, surely. They just shoot him up with a

cannon.

Well, that's not what they do. I like it so that whoever comes in next gets to

fire the previous cab.

Literally, out of a cannon, yeah.

Does it lead to a net, this cannon, or is it like... Better not land in one of

my cakes.

I'd be so angry.

If they smash Cakey.

If I smash up Cakey and Jeremy Hunt's there.

just sitting in viking she's a victorious person

now

we have two yes

uh gavin demanded more money because the nhs got more money and he's got guns

and stuff isn't he

And the point was made to him, Gavin, we're not at war, you know, so we're not

spending two billion, you know, because if we're at war, Gavin, you come back

here. The minute we're at war, I want to hear your footsteps running down that

corridor. I want to hear, I've already got the checkbook out. Look, my pen's

hovering. But until we're at war, not at war.

No, not at war, right?

Gavin, look out the window. Is there a war? No, there's no war.

I think it's all very undignified, Dara, all this arguing all the time. I mean,

it's interesting, isn't it, that ordinary people, they just have their

maybe in a supermarket car park, but then, like rich, posh people, they do it

the columns of Sunday newspapers.

So do you think it would be better if, say, the Telegraph on a Sunday opened up

its comment pages to, as you say, poor people who wish to continue... I said

ordinary people. Well, it was implied.

I think...

The thing is, everything I say, that does happen.

Tom, I think it was the disgust with which you used the phrase, supermarket

park.

That was not really... Would you say it's better? Just because you get Ocado

deliver it.

But do you think it would be better if the Telegraph opened its comment pages

ordinary people who are having domestic arguments to basically have an 800 -word

piece with the headline, No, Terry, I am not a slag. You're a mother... And a

well -argued... Yes. I mean, have you seen how successful ITV is?

He ripped up a report detailing May's new proposals for a customs partnership,

didn't he?

Literally ripped it up. Literally ripped it up. A sheet of that man. Can you

imagine the sheer primal rage of Michael Dole?

He's the Environment Secretary. He should not be wasting paper by ripping

He was a frog and then got kissed by princess, but only halfway transformed

Which unexpected figure however crystallized the nation's feelings about

brexit this week Danny Dyer Danny Dyer. Yes. Is it the dad one? Not the other

one the other Danny Dyer It's more confusing for

me because Danny Dyer is the name of a carrot cake I made

David Dyer has, as you say, crystallised the nation's feelings in that he called

David Cameron a twat, which had a lot of impact, especially considering he was

sitting next to Piers Morgan when he said it.

How much do you need to hate somebody that you would call somebody else that

word? Well, Piers Morgan is within earshot.

We would love to show you the clip, but there are rights issues and we can't.

However, as we've hit one of the great speeches of modern political life, it

sounds best if it's delivered properly.

Hugh, could you possibly deliver the full...

No.

Who knows about Brexit?

No one's got a fucking clue.

You watch Question Time.

It's comedy.

No, I ain't got a clue.

It's like this mad riddle that no one knows what it is, right?

So what's happened to that twat, David Cameron, who called it on?

Let's be fair.

How come he can scuttle off? He called all this on, yeah? Where is he? He's in

Europe, in Nice, with his trotters up, yeah.

Where is the geezer?

Think he should be held to account for it. He should be held to account for it

twat

Representative

of the underclass did I just witness cultural appropriation there?

Can you scuttle if you got trotters

In other news, what's going on here?

Is that miniaturised Jeremy Corbyn gets trapped in a shopping trolley?

Is that Jeremy Corbyn runs into trouble at the US border being a mistake for a

Mexican toddler?

Is someone about to push him through it like Play -Doh?

He's saying, please, please.

please pay whatever they're asking for my release.

They don't have hummus here and the jam isn't organic.

Spearmint Rhino unveil their new caged answer.

Is it somebody who's just asked him about Brexit and now he's trying to

onto the fence so he can sit on it?

Why has Corbyn come under pressure this week? He's the leader of the opposition,

and he's not opposing anything.

Yeah, that's probably getting inching closer to the truth, all right, yeah. I

think his position is very hard, because a lot of people in the Labour

heartlands of the North voted to Brexit.

And so you can't just abandon them, because if he loses the North, then the

Lannisters will win.

round called Gove Island.

This game involves Tez and Tom. If you could make your way to the performance

area, please.

This round is a standard challenge. I launch the wheel of news and whoever

chooses to stop one of our performers can step forward and talk about that

subject.

Okay, let's spin the wheel.

The first object is religion.

Who wants to go in that?

Tez.

I'm religious, not very popular these days. It surprises me how much people

don't know about my religion, Islam, given how much it's in the news.

I've got a... We've nailed that.

I've got a good friend called Jonathan. We've been friends for years.

He doesn't know that much about me. A couple of months ago, me and Jonathan

in a nice restaurant having a nice meal.

Next to the table, minding their own business.

They're minding their own business. Everyone's having a wonderful time.

Halfway through my meal, the balloon closest to me from the birthday table,

burst. And I just shouted out in my excitement, Jesus Christ, Jonathan lost

damn mind.

Oh, Jesus Christ, is it?

Welcome to your Allah Muhammad now, mate.

I'm like, Jonathan, what have you won?

He went, nah, mate, it's just you banging about being Muslim, yeah?

But in that moment when you were scared, when you were fearful for your safety,

you didn't think of Allah, you didn't think of Muhammad, your mind went

to a Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

What does that shit say about you, rubbish Muslim?

All right, Jonathan, I can clearly see this is the best day of your

life.

Three things.

Thing number one, you should be aware of this, but if you're not, for Muslims...

Jesus, that's our vice -captain.

Secondly, me just invoking Jesus Christ is just me invoking a British cultural

saying. If anything, it shows how well integrated I am. Thank you very much.

And thirdly, most importantly, Jonathan, if at that moment there was a loud

bang, I shouted in Arabic, you don't shit yourself!

Okay, that leaves us with Tom. Let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the

wheel.

The topic is driving.

Oh. Oh.

I have to drive because I run like that.

Now, I don't want you guys to think I'm a failure just because I live at

home with my mum and dad and I'm 35 years old.

Because recently one of the things I did is I finally passed my driving test!

You would not clap if you'd seen me do it. I found the whole process very

stressful, and I get quite nervous about it. And people aren't very much help

when you feel nervous. Like I say, oh, I'm feeling nervous, and they go, oh,

don't be nervous!

Oh, thanks very much, I hadn't thought of it like that!

when you first pass your driving test, everyone has to go on this one right -of

-passage drive to an out -of -town shopping centre, which goes by the name

Blue Water.

And so I decided I wouldn't go on my own. I thought, I'll take someone with

I'll take my dad with me, because I've got a good relationship with my dad, and

I thought this would be a great way to end it.

And, like, the last thing my dad taught me how to do was how to box, yeah, when

I was being picked on at school.

Can you imagine?

And he was just standing there going, it's all right, you've just got to punch

my hands. Just try to punch my hands. I was cowering in the corner going, no,

Dad, no, I can't do it. I can't deal with confrontation.

It doesn't sound right in my accent.

And Dad was going, oh, I thought you'd be much better at this. I mean, you've

already got the silk dressing gown on and everything.

So we're sat there in the car, right, and there's already a tension.

And we're going along, and we come to some traffic lights, and they're red.

means you have to stop. I've done the theory test as well.

the lights went from red to amber to green and I went to drive off and what

happened is I Stalled the engine and my dad bless him. He turned to me and he

said concentrate Which is such a calming thing to say

Our next round is called, if this is the answer, what is the question? On the

board are six categories. Kerry, which category would you like?

Home news, please.

Your category is home news. The answer is chicken, beer and crumpets. What is

the question?

Is it the nicknames I've given my nipples?

Is it the name of Gwyneth Paltrow's children?

What did Gaza turn up with when Maradona was in hospital?

Is it, in my song about my favourite things, what line comes after Dickens,

Dears and Drumkins?

Is it, what is the name of the least successful

Earth, Wind and Fire tribute act?

Is it, what is the password to my new secret chicken beer and crumpets club?

Nigella Lawson calls for the second the camera switches off.

And that's a wrap. Give us some beer!

Take a fag out of the oven.

Is it people who search for turkey, wine and

muffins also searched for...

Is

it what my broth smells like on New Year's Day?

Kerry, do you say crumpet or do you say crumpet?

We're coming from very different.

I am not as posh as I think I am.

Are those crumpet toastay?

You're very waitrose. I'm a bit more Aldi. Oh, Aldi's great, though, for

is a wonderful place to have an argument with to watch The

correct answer is what what are we going to have a shortage of I think because

of the co2?

Shortage absolutely right. Thank you very much Yeah

What foods have been affected by a recent shortage of CO2? Chicken, beer

crumpets are just some of the things in short supply in the UK, owing to a

temporary break in the production of carbon dioxide.

Now, what way has the country been affected by the CO2 crisis?

In ASDA online, they're rationing the amount of Coke and Pepsi you can buy to

six massive bottles.

I'm serious, Stu. How am I meant to have a fizzy bath?

Who's coming to the rescue in the CO2 crisis? The Norwegians. The Norwegians.

What are the Norwegians bringing? They're sending a barge with 10 ,000

CO2 on it to our rescue. This does sound like a scam, though. In a kind of a,

yes, I've got your odeless invisible gas.

If you'd just like to sign here and give it a check.

I have it in my pocket right here.

It's amazing how small it is when you just compact it down.

Careful, careful, careful, careful.

It's yours now.

Run off in Norwegian. That was Norwegian.

We've done it, we've done it. Quick, get out of here.

I found a way around the fizzy drink thing.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Nando's do bottomless soft drinks.

You've solved that one, haven't you?

For the price of one, I've got it forever.

Yes, but unfortunately... The following day, you're standing there, they're

unlocking and you're standing at the door going, tap, tap, tap.

I was just wondering, Dara, if you read about Britain's potato shortage and felt

the same way I did.

A little wise smile maybe?

If you will rely on potatoes, you'll find that'll bite you in the arse

sometimes.

In other news, what's going on here?

Explain to us what football is, Tom. Explain.

It's where all the straight people go.

So England on Tuesday progressed to the quarter -finals of the World Cup, where

they'll face Sweden on Saturday.

But who's, without gloating, had a bad World Cup?

Germany. Germany had a very bad World Cup. Germany had a very bad World Cup.

They had the previous world champions.

But I guess it's not the first time that Germany have become unstuck in Russia.

What, too soon?

Hopefully they'll react better this time.

Who is becoming a likely fashion icon at this tournament? Oh, the England

manager, him.

Yes. I wear a lot of waistcoats as well, may I say, so I don't know if it's

exclusively Gareth Southgate who's made them popular.

Well, I mean... All I'm saying, Gareth, is I see you. If you shoot for the king,

you'd better not miss.

As soon as England starts to do well, it's always like, oh, we could win this.

I've seen this guy who got a tattoo of saying... England World Cup winners 2018

tattooed on his belly. Already? Oh, there he is? Yeah.

He looks exactly like I imagined.

In the news, what problems has heatwave caused?

Fires.

Fire! Thank you very much. It's almost elemental.

Fire!

Only there was a metaphor available to describe the wildfire spreading.

Yes.

Why don't we name heatwaves? We name cold snaps and storms, don't we? We

name a heatwave Sweaty Betty, Claggy Brenda.

I love it. I've been wearing my shades.

I've become a different person when I've got my shades on.

Called Cool James.

Would you like to meet him?

I'm excited now, yes. I thought Cool James was the name of your Eccles cakes.

No way.

I don't know who this pretty cool guy is, but welcome to Mock the Week.

What happened?

OK, Cool James.

How does Cool James feel about continuity within a television

You tell all those editors in your ear.

Edit in a showdown?

Not cool.

It's gone. It's gone.

It's gone. It went away.

I'd like you to meet my friend, Blind Ed.

At the end of that line, of course, we've got James, Hugh and Tom.

Now we come to the scenes we'd like to see. So if everyone can make their way

over to the performance area, I'll read out this week's topic, then we'll see

what our panel can come up with.

OK, here we go.

The first subject is... Things you wouldn't hear on a property show.

So, it's a two up, two down. It's unusual, but those are the testicles I

born with.

Welcome to the show. We'll be looking at houses that have been designed by

someone's nan.

Yes, it's grand design.

Of course, finding something in London on your budget was very, very difficult,

so this property does come with a bit of a commute.

Welcome to Stoke.

Our property is theft!

Goodnight.

Bit mean, but we've put together a montage of first -time buyers being told

about stamp duty for the first time.

for an extension. He went and got a conservatory. I actually meant a penis

enlargement.

This week, Bert bought a yurt.

And that sentence alone makes this the most fun show we've ever done.

Hi, I'm Kirsty Olsop and this week I'll be patronising more millennials.

You can't have dreams and a second bedroom. Wake up.

Well, there used to be a railway station, but there haven't been any

for nearly 40 years. It's Hayward's Heath on Southern Railway.

And Simon has converted this railway carriage into his very own office, just

yelling into his mobile phone like an arsehole.

This house was built on an ancient burial ground, which is why the

been hosted by me.

The ghost of a hunchback Victorian boy trying to explain fixed rate mortgages.

Now, this next property is about £50 ,000 over Philip and Susan's budget.

Luckily, though, Philip's grandmother has just died.

The laws of notorious people live on these here branches.

Piers Morgan, Katie Hopkins, Donald Trump...

Escape to the country.

No, this is escape to the... So

if you want to brighten up your

kitchen, turn the light on.

Susan turned her two bedroom house into a ten bedroom house by putting a bed in

every room.

I'm Danny Dyer. Welcome to Let's Do This Gaffer.

Well, there you go.

Immediately you can see how much roomier it looks without the old lady and the

oxygen cylinders.

Okay, the next topic is... On likely dating profiles.

Do you want a man who's comfortable to say the word love?

Call me.

I'm a Wimbledon umpire.

Hey, do you like it when two bodies come together and fall into great ecstasy?

Me too. Let's find some and watch them from the bushes.

Once you go Asian, you'll never go Caucasian.

All right,

long walk from the beach.

A pebble beach.

Barefoot. I love pain. I love PAIN!

Vegan woman in her thirties seeks vegan man for fun, companionship and joyless

dinners out.

And would it impress you to know that I typed out this entire profile using my

dick?

Age 50, never married, loves books, gardening, knitting and long walks.

gentleman who's very kind and likes similar things.

Must be hung like a hoover.

Sensible man with Bingley Building Society gold account at 1 .85%. Seeks

woman with similar interests.

Hello, I'm looking for a bloke called Dave.

He's been hanging out in Nice, apparently got his trotters up.

Man in his 40s, owner of foldy -uppy bike, looking for any woman who's

interested in me demonstrating my foldy -uppy bike.

Look, it folds up.

Ambitious man with no sense of work -life balance seeks... I haven't got

for this.

say I'm a bit old -fashioned in that I'm a phenomenal bigot.

Man with huge belly suits concave woman.

Female, early 60s, high achiever, snappy dressing leader of the Conservative

Party, very horny, has the potential to fuck the whole country.

Thanks for watching. I'm Gary Breen. Good night.

A comedian out of his comfort zone in far -flung country, the Miss Ventures of

Romesh Ranganathan on BBC iPlayer and here next Sunday.

Friday nights on BBC4, the place for music with smashing hits, the 80s pop

of Britain and Ireland tomorrow night at 10.