All language subtitles for Mock The Week - s17e03

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Don't believe in everything you see or
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And welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara
Breen. Joining me this week are Arielle

Yarn, Ellie Taylor and Ed Gamble, James
Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Tom Allen.

We start with a round called If This Is
The Answer, what is the question? On the

board are six categories. Ari, welcome
to the show. Which category would you

like? I think I'll pick sport.

Sport is the hot thing right now. The
answer is 3 .4 billion. What is the

question? Is this Prince Philip's life
expectancy?

Is it for a £10 steak, how much will I
win if Narnia win the World Cup?

Is it how many antihistamines I've taken
in the last week?

Is it the number of times vegans will
tell you that they are vegan?

I'm sorry, I find that offensive.

I am vegan.

Oh, come on.

Tell us why you're right.

Is it, how many pieces of confetti does
the average bride inhale on her wedding

day?

Is it, in the extended version of seven
days, on what day does Craig David bury

the body?

What is the pound per square inch
pressure?

on Kim Kardashian's pants.

As an estimate, yes.

Q, did you Google who Kim Kardashian was
before you wrote that? Yeah, I have.

I know about her and I know about...
Stormzy.

How many stars did Brian Cox tell Dara
there were in the sky before they kissed

for the first time?

Wasn't the first time. I'd lunged at him
long before that.

Is it, how many anonymous Father's Day
cards did I send my friend Shagapete

year?

Do they know the actual correct answer?

I think it's how many viewers are
expected to watch the World Cup.

That's good enough. Thank you very much.

Yes, question I was looking for was how
many people across the globe are

expected to watch this year's FIFA World
Cup tournament in Russia?

Have you been watching it?

Religiously. Okay.

That's a no.

I'm not religious.

Okay.

That's a no, I'm guessing. No?

Dara, I'm gay, of course no.

No, I've never seen a football game
really before until this year. It's a

running around.

It is. It was all up the other end.

And then they keep kicking it off the
side all the time just to stop the game.

And I sort of thought, why don't they
put those inflatable tubes at the side

like they do on bowling?

And then there's a manager there. Well,
he's not a manager, is he? He's just

shouting all the time. He's never even
seen a staff.

roster, planning the holidays, and he's
shouting. Imagine if a manager in an

office did that, like, Sandra, send
those emails!

No one would do anything. Then he sits
on a car seat.

I was watching all these people in bibs,
brightly coloured bibs, running up and

down the side. Turns out they had no
bearing on the game whatsoever.

Then we had the interval.

If you watch it on the television in
America, they get Beyonce in their games

and marching bands. What do we get?
Three old men moaning around a coffee

I mean, give me strictly any day of the
week.

Fair enough, fair enough.

Do you know what I'm really pleased
about? Because the England women's team

really well in the 2015 World Cup. They
got to the semis.

And I just think it's really nice that
the men now are getting another little

try.

And then whatever happens, they get to
come home and they'll still be father,

sons and husbands.

And I think that's really important.

Do you know how Iceland have been
getting on? Anyone, for example, like a

comedian from Reykjavik, who might just
be here from Iceland.

Ari, exciting times for Iceland?

Yeah, I think the best description of
that match against Argentina was an

American punter who went like, Iceland
beat Argentina 1 -1. I think that zooms

up the mood of that game for us.

Because I knew you were coming on this,
but I've been researching into Iceland.

It's a fantastic... I mean, 346 ,000
people, isn't it? Yeah. But they don't

surnames. You don't have normal
surnames. So you take the first name,

it's someone's son.

And my father was called John, so I
would not be Dennis. My name, in

would be Hugh Johnson.

LAUGHTER Very good.

Very good.

That's kept me happy for three or four
days down there.

Yeah,

that and your big dick.

Ari, is it true as well that the Iceland
team have different jobs as well as

being footballers?

Yes, well, some of them actually do have
a day job. The coach, famously, is a

dentist.

Dentist? Yes, a lot of people think
that's quite funny.

Oh, he's fantastic.

He said, we will ask questions of the
opposition. I thought the first one is

going to be, do you floss?

Yeah, the goalkeeper is a film director.
Yeah, he actually edited like the

commercial for the football team. So he
like... He's doing motion shots of

himself.

And Thunderclap. The Thunderclap? Yeah,
actually we call it the Viking Clap. I

don't know why people call it the
Thunderclap here. That just sounds like

terrible disease.

What is it though? What is it? Do the
thing. Do the thing we brought you here

do. Just do the thing and let's go see
it.

Stop, stop, stop, stop. You are just
dreadful at this.

Stop following his feet. The pause is
long and it gets narrower.

Here's a clue. His hands, when his hands
move, they may be there, right?

Rather than any time the mood struck
you.

I think we should film this and just put
the words Brexit in front of us.

OK, let's try that again, shall we?

you got that right the first time.
That's how happy you were with yourself

there. And there were still two people
who got that wrong.

This is so impressive because you guys
are so synchronised. The most

synchronised thing that English fans can
do is dance to Come On Eileen at a

wedding.

Or like say, you're just the sheer chop
in London, which they said before the

Iceland match.

What's the thing you shout, by the way,
during the Thunderclap? Uh, it's, uh,

hoo.

Okay. I know the noise it is. What does
it mean?

It literally means nothing. It just
means, like... Hoo. Yeah. Sounds like a

goddamn owl.

Hoo. Like when the French... Hoo.

The French adopted it.

Hoo.

Hoo.

To Hugh.

The huge Johnson.

Let's get it trending, Hugh.

How has the barber in Serbia been
celebrating the World Cup?

He's been cutting people's hair. Yes, he
has.

He cuts it very well, though, to be
fair. This is what he did to somebody's

head. There we go.

I was going to get the same on my lady
garden, but I didn't want a messy bush.

Oh,

hello, Lionel. I didn't look for you
here.

If you'd asked for a Neymar, you would
just have got a Brazilian.

I'm getting that done.

Are you? Yeah, I'm getting it done, but
it's going to be my face so people know

it's me from the back.

They could give that to the players.

Oh, what?

Beautiful shading.

Imagine if you hadn't asked for that and
they just got their little mirror out

at the end. You were like...

That is quite a taunt, jolting a bald
man out of hair.

You look absolutely delicious in hair.
Your eyes are piercing on the back of

head. Only you are made of hair.

Huge Johnson.

Moving on, however, whose job has become
available this week?

Oh, sorry about this, Dara. We couldn't
think of any other way to do this.

We didn't want to tell you in private
because we know you get very angry.

So we wanted to tell you in a public
place so you don't lash out at Hugh

okay? We took a vote, it was unanimous.
Hugh led the charge, if I'm honest.

Was there anyone who voted against this
or was it just... Andy Parsons.

We told him you no longer have a say
here.

It's actually a coup.

Hugh?

The Hu -Ku. Hu -Ku.

That's what you wanted me to do.

The David Dimbleby from Question Time.

Yes, it is. And I bet he can't wait.

I mean, he's not retiring. He must be
desperate to get out of there. I mean,

what an awful job.

We have to turn up in this dusty church
hall with those miserable people who've

got all these opinions.

And the thing is with that programme is
they just sit there with their arms

folded going, oh, I don't see why I
can't just have everything I want.

It's like the football.

They all shout. Like, I was in a pub.

These people were shouting.

And I said, can you keep your voice
down? And they said, if you don't stop

talking, I'll throw you through that
window. I said, if you don't stop

I'll gladly let you.

Now you play a round called You're Not
Zinging Anymore. This game is called Ari

and Tom. See if you can make your way to
the performance area, please.

This round's a stand -up challenge. I
launch the wheel of news and whoever

chooses to stop one of our performers on
the stepboard and talk about that

subject. OK, here we go. Let's spin the
wheel.

First up it is... Bravo. Who wants to
come in on that?

Ari.

I do a lot of travel. I actually do a
lot of flying. I had to fly over here

because I live on an island. I flew with
Iceland Air. And I used to work for

Iceland Air as a flight attendant.

It's actually quite common to only have,
like, men serving the food and only

women flying the planes.

This is the 21st century, after all. But
a lot of the passengers are, like,

elderly men from the 20th century.

And it was so much fun to be on those
flights with the trolley because you get

to see the elderly male passenger
reaction to two men with food, which is

usually like...

Look, Gunnar, the captain himself is
bringing coffee for us.

Hang on, who is flying the plane?

And then a woman would do the
announcement, politely, professionally,

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Siru
Reynastóttir, I'm your captain today.

We'll be flying to London Heathrow in
approximately three... And these old men

would be like, It's a woman, it's a
woman, it's a woman, it's a woman.

It was like a musical number sounding,
It's a woman, it's a woman, it's a

How could this happen? And they would,
like, ask, like, Excuse me?

Is it really a woman flying the plane?
And it annoyed me so much that I always

said, yes, and she's having her period.

You have a problem with that, old man?

They would ask, like, is that allowed?

Of course it's allowed. What's wrong
with you?

In fact, I trust a woman way better to
fly a plane than a man.

They seem to take it more seriously.

I can understand everything they say
during the announcement.

I never understand the male pilots at
Iceland Air. They all sound the same.

And

when

it's finally over, people are like,
what? What did he say? Like, it must be

awful if you're afraid of flying.

But if you are afraid of flying, you
should never fly with our other airline

Iceland, because it's called, uh, Wow!

That is not a very reassuring name for
an airline.

Wow, it's like they don't even know how
they got up there in the first place.

Wow!

How did we do that?

An airline called Wow, that's like
having a bank that's called Fuck!

Okay, that leaves us with Tom. Let's see
what your topic is. Let's spin the

wheel.

And the topic is marriage.

Okay.

Yes, well, since it's Pride Month, I
will also talk about being gay, because

it's all I've got.

And, no,

in many ways, in this country, it's a
great time to be gay, because we have

things like gay marriage, or as I like
to call it, Garrett.

Garage is designed to bring equality so
that gay people can finally be as

miserable as straight people It comes up
against a lot of opposition and you see

it now like recently in Australia They
had it where it comes up against

opposition from a lot of religious
groups and clubs clubs clubs the

Church

You can understand why. I'm sure a lot
of us will remember the Bible stories

from school.

Do you remember the one where Jesus
stood on the mount, didn't he? He said,

Verily I say to thee, love thy neighbor
as I love thyself. Look after the poor,

heal the sick, feed the hungry.

Don't start fights or wars. Just look
after each other, love each other, and

you'll all be fine.

But I cannot stand them damn queers.

It's disgusting what they do to each
other. I mean, why have they got to be

up in your face about it all the time? I
mean, who's the wife?

It's a very famous parable.

I show the panel a topical image and ask
them to tell me what's happening. So

what's going on here?

This looks like the reunion of a folk
band where there's one surviving member.

Corbyn and Thumb.

Is Corbyn counting the number of people
who paid full price for Labour Live?

Is he saying, and after the first
contest, I decree that the gladiator may

This is Labour Live, which is actually
the touring version of One Born Every

Minute.

This is Labour Live, which is the
festival that Labour started up to rival

Glaston Tory.

This is Jeremy Corbyn saying, could all
15 of you just come right here in front

of me?

Is somebody shouting out, is that a
strongly worded letter to Theresa May in

your pocket, or are you just pleased to
see me?

I laughed at it about two times on the
build -up to that.

Can you tell me what it actually is?

Well, I'll tell you what it is, Sarah.

It's Labour Live.

Thank you very much.

This is the picture of Labour leader
Jeremy Corbyn at the Labour Life

which was attended by around 13 ,000
people in North London over the weekend.

How did it go? Did it seem to go well?

Well, it went OK,

I think. They sold a few tickets and
then they had to give some away, didn't

they? Apparently they sold 10 ,000
tickets and then they had to... And

avoid embarrassment.

Yeah.

That's why this show is free.

I mean, it looked like a nice festival.

Yeah. I mean, if I wanted to go and see
an old man shout at a crowd of people,

I'd probably just go and see the Rolling
Stones.

Slightly older demographic at the
festival, I think it'd be fair to say.

Jeremy Corbyn's speech hit the pinnacle,
everyone dropped one of their angina

pills.

I didn't know this show was free.

This show here?

Yeah. Have you paid to be on it? Yeah, I
pay every week.

The magic numbers were playing, but
everyone was quite disappointed to find

that's just Diane Abbott reading out
statistics.

But there was a point of controversy.

The clue's in the picture. It is in the
picture, yes.

Some people unfurled a banner saying,
Stop Backing Brexit, and then sang Stop

Backing Brexit to the Jeremy Corbyn
song, which, by the way, doesn't work.

Sorry, what's the Jeremy Corbyn song?
It's very annoying, it's oddly tribal,

it puts off any new followers.

Much like the Labour Party.

Did Corbyn bring out any special guests
like they do? You know, just like a

leader of Hamas to sing Islands in the
Stream?

No, he didn't do that.

It's a really awkward situation here at
the moment because of Brexit, which I

presume you've seen, that he's the
leader of the opposition, who possibly

be anti -Brexit, because they'd
represent then 48 % of the party, but

secretly in favour of Brexit, so he
doesn't want to be anti -Brexit,

it's a big push, whereas the leader of
the government is secretly anti -Brexit,

but has to be pro -Brexit.

It is, honestly, it's like some weird
Shakespearean gender reversal.

At some point, they'll all reveal their
masks. But you are Malviola all the

time.

And Jeremy Corbyn's got Theresa May
just, like, tattooed the back of his

Yeah. In other news, what did Theresa
May pledge this week?

More money to the NHS.

Yes, she did. And where is she going to
get the money?

Well, no -one knows.

I think from the pockets of people who
are under general anaesthetic.

It doesn't include social care, does it?
So you're still not quite sure what's

going to happen to old people, because
you can't carry on putting them all in

the House of Lords.

I don't think we need to worry about
where it comes from. It's going in. If I

saw something you would drink at a bar,
I don't know if it's got rehypnol in it.

It's a pina colada. I'm going to drink
it.

Did Iceland come out of the EU, though?

Did they leave the EU?

No, we were never part of the EU. Oh,
how ignorant of me.

We're part of something called the EEA,
which is a bit like being in the EU,

except we don't get a vote on anything.
So that's your future, basically, I

think.

Moving on,

what's going on here?

Is this what happens when you stand next
to an electromagnet with metal filling?

She's thinking, I wish I'd never bought
this jacket from Roger Moore in Live and

Let Die.

She does look like the Bond villain who
just found out she hasn't got any of the

funding for any of her evil plans.

She looks like she's got a particularly
tangy fang -tastic.

Apologies.

Apologies. Tang -fastic. Tang -fastic.
Tang -fastic. I can't believe you've got

that wrong. I wish I could join in, but
they've actually got gelatin in them.

I'm totally not coming to my eighth
birthday party.

Oh, you're leaving party.

Oh!

Feel the burn, Dara. I'm warming my
hands on you, you've been burned so bad.

She was told this week that she gave the
evil eye. She did the evil eye. No, not

the evil eye per se. The death stare.

Oh, I'm sorry, that's a very, very
different thing. Is it?

You'll know when you ever get the evil
eye.

She supposedly... She's got a death
stare, but we've all been sat here

at it and are all very much alive, so it
would appear that's another thing she's

completely incompetent at.

Yes, frankly, she's given the death
stare to Corbyn at question time very

regularly. Alive?

Yes, alive.

Yvette Cooper?

Alive. Nick Clegg?

Dead. I'm not sure.

I'll give him my death stare. I've got a
real good death stare. Go on.

You're going to die.

No, if you have to say you're going to
die, it's an ineffective death stare.

It's like... How about this one?

I always get worried when Hugh spins
around too quickly.

Yeah, why? So we're going to get a face
full of the Hugh Johnson.

Don't you worry, I've tethered it.

To his chair, though, so when he gets up
to the scenes, it's going to be very...

It's going to be like the bit in Jaws
where they keep pinning barrels with a

shark.

Attaching more chairs to his cock just
to slow him down.

I'm trying to get to the microphone. I'm
getting a bit of heart poops.

We're going in in a bigger boat.

To be perfectly honest, I can very
easily get to the microphone and not

chair.

Now we

come to scenes we'd like to see. So if
everyone can make their way over to the

performance area.

I'll read it this week's topic, then
we'll see what our panelists can come up

with.

Okay. The first subject is things you
wouldn't hear on a news program.

Scientists say it could save the
corporation millions, but the question

remains. Can the robot be taught to
press the buzzer?

And I've taken a photo of the suspect on
a Polaroid camera as he left court.

More on this story as it develops.

Now, in a video which some viewers may
find disturbing, Jacob Rees -Mogg

attempts small talk with a woman.

Now, British media have not mentioned
the word Brexit in more than... Ah,

Christ!

expecting some westerly winds and some
rain coming down from the north, and I'm

really enjoying stroking this horse.

Well, I'm not sure he's in the right
job. The diplomatic correspondent has

told me to fuck off.

I'm here in Wartorn, Syria, and my
producer really must hate me, because

weatherman.

has won the World Cup.

Iceland the country have now sued
Iceland the supermarket and had all its

frozen. And now

the news where you are,

there's a bear behind you.

So let's find out what's happening in
your area, which can't be all that

important, otherwise it would have made
the main show.

The poverty here is appalling, which is
why I'm moving to ITV.

And now it's time for the weather.
Carol, is it going to get any better, or

we have to put up with another week of
your absolute bullshit?

Right, this is fake news.

I'm not even a news reporter.

I'm your wife, stood in your living
room, holding a picture frame in front

face and making up facts about ISIS.

It's six o 'clock and you know what that
means. It's time for fricking news!

Give me all the stories!

Fricking sexy news! Boy, sexy sex with
me, Hugh Edwards.

News correspondents having sex with
young comedians. Is it right? We cross

to Nick Robinson, who's inside
Whitehall.

OK, the next topic is... Unlikely lines
from a children's book.

Yeah, Mr Tickle, you think those arms
are big? Wait until you see Hugh's dick.

Oh, Grandma!

What big ears you have, said Red Riding
Hood.

Fuck off, said Grandma.

Do you know what, said the big friendly
giant.

I've just been fired from Mock the Week.

How do I get my hair like this, said
Tintin.

Well, have you seen There's Something
About Mary?

After dropping the breadcrumb, Hans and
Gretel dropped acid to find their way

back to Clastonbury.

And then he ate six plates of goulash,
five plates of red cabbage and a pie

Budapest. He was a very Hungarian
caterpillar.

Piss off, Malfoy, you little Nazi incel
weirdo.

''Where's Thomas?'' said the passenger.

''Well, he's delayed,'' said the Fat
Controller.

''What do you mean?'' said the
passenger.

''Oh, I'm not going to explain it.
That's real life. Get used to it, you

prick.'' ''One of

you,'' said Toad, ''is a mole for the
Russian government.

It's either Raffy, Budger, Moley, or
Elena Simunov.''

Look, said Harry, Wittgenstein's having
a split.

The philosopher's stoned.

And then Paddington told the lady bear
to brace herself before flipping her

and opening a fresh jar of marmalade.

Uh,

guys, my dog literally just died.

happily refer to ourselves as the Famous
Four.

LAUGHTER Miss Chatterbox just couldn't
stop talking.

And that's why we had to kill her, said
Mr Mafia.

LAUGHTER Just tell him it stands for Big
Friendly Giant, said Sophie.

He'll be mad and his heart will be
broken if he knows it means bollock

grandad.

In the end, all the children died.

We're going on a bear hunt!

We've already shot Paddington and turned
We the Pooh into a fucking rock!

street winners are james a tata hugh
dennis and tom allen

commiserations to ari eldian eddie
taylor

and ed campbell thanks for watching i'm
joe green good night

Should you wish to take another look at
our planet from an askance view, make

sure you join us tomorrow at 10 for
Frankie Boyle's New World Order. In the

meantime, for some drama with your
comedy, return to Atlanta for the full

is available for you to visit on iPlayer
now.