Original subtitles

No, they're still upstairs, probably working on the sexual compatibility part

our thesis.

Well, they've got about ten minutes before I go up there and get them.

We've got to get this thing into Professor Milken's hand.

Come on, Kayla.

I think you'll be able to work some of your Milken magic against an extension

we get desperate.

Listen, just because you're a little slut doesn't mean everyone else has to

share your moral destitution.

Moral destitution?

Uh -huh. Yeah, where exactly does that fit into our counseling for long -term

love relationships?

It does, and you should know.

Let's get started on the challenge as part of our thesis before they come

I was just saying, we're late.

Let them start without us. It's much easier to jump into the middle of a

discussion than to initiate one.

You're cute, but you're the most laziest grad student that I know.

Well, you didn't invite me into your study group for my charm and good looks

alone, did you?

Which begs the question, why did I?

Bitch.

Yeah, so?

So what is the best environment for you to meet someone you're compatible with,

then?

I don't know. Bars and gyms have always worked for me.

It's a wonder you ever get laid.

Actually, I think it's pretty clear that the workplace is a pretty decent, you

know, place to find people that you're truly compatible with.

Damn, Star.

You sound like a textbook.

We're supposed to be writing this thing like a magazine article, not some

medical journal. So she finally emerges from her den of sin.

Shut up, Jeff.

Where's Wes?

Did you finally kill him with your sexual athletics?

Anyways, what have you guys been working on?

Impedability environment.

Well, then, I agree with Star. The workplace is a great place for people to

long -term connections.

We need anecdotes.

We need real case sites so people don't think we're just talking out of our ass.

Something that you're all very familiar with?

Shut up, Jeff. God damn it. God. Anyways.

I have anecdotal evidence.

My sister, she was involved with this really great guy, and they had an

sex life. It was inventive and fun, and she had no complaints.

Mmm, sounds hot.

Ugh, please.

Did she know the guy from work?

Actually, she knew this really great guy at work whom she convinced him to try

the same dating service as she met this other guy through.

Unfortunately, he met this beautiful brunette and told my sister all about

great date.

I can definitely see where this is going.

Pretty obvious, huh?

I don't get it. What's obvious?

That basically my sister was in love with her co -worker, but she didn't

it until she got really jealous about hearing about his great date with this

beautiful woman.

Oh, yeah, I guess it would kind of suck, huh?

Yeah, but fortunately she figured it out instead of just getting pissed off at

him for being insensitive and clueless.

So, wait, what did she do?

She just flat -out told him that she wanted him.

Get out.

No, and thank God that she did because he was feeling the same way about her.

Ooh, that could have went really bad if he didn't feel the same way.

One of them probably would have had to leave their job. Which is definitely one

of the potential pitfalls of office romances. Yeah. And why they get such a

rep. Wait a minute, so what ended up happening with your sister and that

Well, they basically had a passionate, romantic evening, and now they live

happily ever after.

Aww.

So it's madder, Jeff, you're not getting enough attention?

Look, Wes and I are part of this group, too, because you need a guy's

perspective. And all that garbage you just spouted out is like chick fantasy

stuff. And the fact that it happened to my sister just doesn't count?

I'm sure your sister's very happy.

But my point is that our thesis needs to be relevant to both sides.

Otherwise, like chick therapy, not couples therapy.

And you're never going to convince Milken or anyone else that we can

people on...

Long -term love and sex relationships.

What's up, guys?

Well,

Jeff was just explaining to us that our case examples for the thesis are fantasy

and aren't worth a damn.

I didn't say that. Then what did you say?

That we need to have cases citing the male perspective to balance out the ones

that you guys have.

Okay, fine. So what would be your balance as to Shannon's relationship

example?

Okay, so there's this guy that my brother went to undergrad with. He was a

lawyer, right?

He met opposing counsel on a major case.

Now that's what I'm talking about. So what? When the case was over, so was the

affair?

Actually, no.

They couldn't legally be involved and oppose each other.

So he decided to recuse himself so they could be together.

And as far as I know, they're still totally in love.

I didn't think you had it in you.

What? A romantic bone in this body of yours. You'd be surprised what kind of

romance my bone has.

Oh, okay.

Counter this one.

Instead of working relationships, professional lovers.

Ooh, okay.

Pros, I love it.

Contrary to the industry standard, I have a case about a pair of pros.

Her name was Sasha, but she hired him with her real name, Sandy.

So by the time they actually met, he had no idea who she was.

Oh.

Wait, I think I know about the guy you're talking about.

Tyler Cooper, I think his name is. Yeah, I heard about him.

Anyway, go on. Okay, well, it turns out that Sandy was a player too.

And after they had a huge blow -up fight, they realized that they just have

be together.

So their whole sex life turned out from this wild, crazy sex to passion.

See? Goes to show that even someone as callous as a sex professional can still

find true romance in a workplace.

When did you say this happened?

I think a few months ago, but they're getting married next week.

They still prose?

No way. They completely realize that having that as a profession, they can

make a relationship work.

Hmm. What?

No, it's just... I know somebody that hired Tyler last week. Oh, bullshit.

What, you want to talk to her?

I just interviewed her for my addictions class.

She's totally addicted to dangerous sex, and hiring a gigolo is right up her

alley.

You're full of crap.

You're welcome to talk to her.

What are you getting so worked up about anyway? It's not like he's your

boyfriend, is he?

Of course not.

So where's your professional distance from your patients?

You know what, guys?

I'm really starving.

Does anybody want any lunch?

Well, I'll come with you.

Shit.

I've got a seminar to teach.

I'll come back and we'll work on this after class.

Okay, babe?

See you guys.

I cannot believe that we're carrying him on this freaking project.

Well, Shannon, he's kind of always been a little bit of a freeloader.

You know, at least in the beginning, he tried to contribute something to this

thesis. He's going to teach a seminar? My ass, he's a poser.

I don't know. Maybe he just wanted to impress you. I don't know.

More like he was trying to get his name on someone else's thesis work.

Well, maybe so.

But in defense of posers everywhere, I used to know this guy, and he pretended

to be European to get into this chick's pants. Who would file for that?

This fucking gorgeous blonde, and she wasn't dumb either.

Oh, I missed you.

Oh, and what if we hear?

The Matterhorn.

Oh, Raimi.

Make me yodel like a real woman.

Ugh.

It was fantastic.

Good.

I want to please because I like you very much.

So sweet.

American men never express their feelings.

You're so open.

It's really refreshing.

But as soon as she found out that he was full of shit, she dumped his ass,

right?

Wrong.

I swear to God.

By the time she found out, she'd already totally fallen for him. So she was mad

for like five minutes.

And then they had some wild, crazy sex.

Thank you.

What's your point? I'm not giving Wes a second chance. I don't give a fuck how

good the sex is. His ass is done.

So the sex was good, huh?

It was good, but I've had better.

You're right with who?

Nobody you know.

Whatever.

Tell me, was it with a male or a female?

And what makes you think it would be a female?

I don't know.

I think maybe you're the kind of woman that another woman would find

I am.

And do you know this because... Because I happen to think you're very sexy.

And what makes you think that I would respond to that?

I don't know.

Maybe because you're pissed off at Wes.

Maybe because you want to prove to yourself and to him that there is way

sex out there.

Wow.

I didn't know that you swing that way, Star.

Only

on

special occasion.

workplace relationships?

Well, we have all the evidence of when and what works, but we have nothing on

why it doesn't work.

Well, I've got one for that.

Let's hear it.

All right, well, it's more of a cautionary tale.

Okay, of course it is.

Okay, so there's this guy James, right? And he's the boss.

And you know, he's one of those guys that feels that he's entitled to

and everyone.

And of course, he only hires bubbly blonde secretaries.

Of course he does.

Who wouldn't?

Anyway.

Anyway, so he brings his latest secretary home for a little after -work

playtime. Mm -hmm. The only problem is that he couldn't seem to leave the boss

attitude at the office.

It's just good like this don't talk slowly

Sounds like a real Prince Charming.

The real charming part was when she filed a sexual harassment suit against

for keeping her late at work every night.

Now, that's a good one. Thanks.

I thought they were getting food. What are they doing, killing the cow?

I don't know.

No,

we're supposed to grind the wheat to make the bread, Aspen. Thanks for lunch.

Hey, do we have a fantasy relationship chapter in this thing?

So -so, not really. I mean, basically, every one of them covers a fantasy.

Really? What's yours?

To finish this thesis so we could all go to sleep.

Too bad.

Didn't know you were so predictable and boring. I'm not.

I really think that we need to have a fantasy relationship chapter in this

thesis.

Well... What are they exactly?

Well, the best way to explain one is to tell you about Star's friend Nina.

Star's friend?

She apparently was dating this really decent guy and they had a really great

life.

Oh, yeah.

Okay. Sounds pretty normal to me. The thing was, Nina was spending a lot of

in a private chat room online with this guy who she, like, never met.

Oof. Those things never end well.

Yeah, well, the big problem was she was investing more and more time on her

private chat room guy and less and less time on her boyfriend.

So did they do the chat room nasty?

Ugh. Are you serious?

Well, actually, I think they did a couple times.

Who's first?

You are.

Really?

Okay, let's see.

Well, I'm a novelist.

I knew it. How?

You like words, I could tell.

Tell me more.

Well, I like, um...

Long walks at night.

Leftover Chinese food.

What kind of guy?

Sleeping in on rainy days.

Tell me more.

When I was a kid, my nickname... Are nicknames okay?

Yeah, nicknames are okay.

Well, the kids on my block, they call me Stretch.

Stretch?

It's a long story.

Your turn.

Okay.

I'm a stripper.

As in?

As in an exotic dancer.

Really?

What? You don't believe me?

No, I never would have pegged you for a stripper, that's all.

Well, who do you want me to be?

You know, this isn't some sort of game.

Of course not.

Then what are you hiding?

Look, for all I know, you could be some sicko with a cucumber fetish.

Do I sound like a sicko?

I don't know.

I don't think I want to do this anymore.

You're angry?

Bingo.

You have a nice life.

Uh, I don't know. I mean, that all sounds a little too elaborate.

It doesn't really happen that way. No, actually, it's nothing unusual.

I mean, people often have deeper love affairs by computer than they do in

person. You know, because it's like they feel safe with the person they're

writing to because they have cyber wall in between them.

I mean, I've had amazing conversations by email and have said things that

I would never say in person.

Well, that's exactly what happened to Nina.

ultimately uh she couldn't handle it so she decided to focus more on her real

relationship like with her like boyfriend boyfriend but then like by

totally just decided that he was out of there he took off

dad

Yeah, no kidding.

So, did she immediately go back to her fantasy guy?

I would have.

Yeah, well, she tried, but she was, like, locked out of the chat room.

Yeah, as soon as she broke off their internet relationship, he signed out of

chat room, like, never to be seen again. She knew nothing about him, so she

could not even contact him.

See, that's just not even right. I mean, seriously, something like that should

have a happily ever after ending.

Why? Who said everything has to work out in the end?

Look, just because you can't keep a relationship longer than one night...

know, Kayla, you have this idea of who I am that has very little to do with

reality. Actually, I know what I've seen.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Like you. Out with a different girl. Once a week.

You ever think that maybe they were students?

Oh, yeah. Just like Wes has a student.

What are you guys talking about?

Nothing.

Seriously, Kayla, those girls leave messages on his work phone all of the

What do you know about his students?

What do you know about his students?

Look, Wes was replaced halfway through the quarter, and there was allegations

going around that he was sleeping with some of the students.

How long ago was this?

I don't know, about two weeks ago or something.

And you both knew about this?

What about you?

Baby, I'm not up on Wes's bullshit. I'm sorry.

You know what, guys?

I think I gotta go get some alone time right now.

Are you sure you don't want company?

No. I'll be okay. I need to be alone.

Fucking bastard!

Well, that was fun.

You had to bring up Wes.

You know what?

Don't even sweat it. Like, she was pissed off at him for leaving in the

place. I really, really think that she would have done it today, no matter

And I just had to give her the MO to do it. Oh, my God. You guys haven't heard

the end of Nina's story.

Wait, there's more?

I thought she lived unhappily ever after.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, quite the opposite.

Good. So what happened?

A couple months after Nina broke up with her boyfriend, one of her friends set

her up with this guy that she thought would, they would just be perfect

together.

Okay, so how did you know it was the same guy?

Okay, well, there was some, he had, like, a very specific way of speaking.

And I think after a few minutes, they just kind of both figured it out.

And then, like, five minutes later, they were back at her place.

um

Mm -hmm

Bravo! I love a happy ending.

And on that note, I think I'm going to go check on Shannon before I head out of

here. Do you guys think you can kind of kill the communication section before,

like, the end of today?

Yeah. Sure, if you'll take family and friends and long -lost loves tomorrow.

Oh.

All right, it's a deal.

See you guys later.

So...

You think we can handle communication without breaking into another fight?

Actually, I think it's a perfect place for a little male -female perspective.

All right, so who do we both know that's in a long -term relationship?

Besides Shannon and Wes?

All right, I mean a long -term relationship that works.

Oh, right.

Well, you do know Doug Morrison, right?

Yeah, I've had a bunch of classes with him since undergrad.

Okay, well, I'm really, really, really good friends with his girlfriend, Kat.

Perfect.

Okay, communication in long -term relationships.

Okay, well, let's first start with their compatibility.

Kat says they have an insane sex life, and their bodies are completely in sync

with one another.

No.

It's fine for a start, but it smacks a bit of the chick romance line.

Well, it's her point of view I'm telling.

Exactly my point.

Let's get back to how they first met.

Okay, look.

They had dinner at his place, and then she never left.

So he cooked, she ate, she showed her appreciation by parking herself on his

lap. I can't believe you just said that. Hey, not me, him.

That's not how it happened.

At all. So you say, but according to Doug, things moved pretty quickly from

to sex.

Thank you.

Well, that's not what Kat said happened.

Well, I think she'd be proud to admit that.

I mean, any guy would think that that was a totally hot seduction.

Except it's not true.

He's the one that made the moves, and it didn't happen on a chair at all.

That's just like a woman to clean it all up and make herself look all prim and

proper.

There's nothing prim and proper about having sex.

I'm glad to hear you say that.

You know, you come off as such a prude. I was sure that you were one of those

women who couldn't have the lights on.

Oh, look who's talking smack about something you know nothing about. You

idea what I'm like in bed.

Yeah, that's right. And whose fault is that?

Are you kidding me? You're going to blame me for us to have never ever had

Uh, yeah, because I would sleep with you any day of the week. Oh. But no, you're

too busy trying to be grad student of the year.

Like I'd ever have sex with a slut like you.

How many guys you slept with? What?

Uh, I'm sorry, am I not speaking clearly?

How many guys have you slept with?

That's clearly none of your business.

Look, I'm just trying to make a comparison between your history and mine

illustrate to you that I can't possibly be a slut.

Nine. I'm sorry, what's that?

Nine guys.

Okay. I've had sex with exactly five women.

You're so full of shit.

No. Sarah, Jessica, Michelle, Marie, Bridget. Five.

And each one of those was in a relationship that lasted at least five

Okay?

So, let's get back to the he said, she said part of our communication.

I'm sure Kat's version of their breakup was very different than Doug's.

Well, she went to his house and found him with another woman.

I'm sure it was a little more dramatic than that.

Maybe something along the lines of this.

Yeah, something like that.

Well, then what about their makeup?

I mean, in Doug's version, Kat showed up at his house wearing nothing at all

underneath her coat.

Hi.

She told me about that.

She actually also mentioned that they had the best makeup sex in the history

makeup sex.

And they too have lived happily ever after.

See, Kayla, I don't disbelieve in happily ever after. I just don't always

that it's the truth.

Why did you just say that?

Say what about happily ever after?

No. About not wanting to have sex with me.

Ever.

Not that.

Look, I don't know. I mean, I pretty much had the hots for you ever since I

you.

But you're always such an ass to me.

Yeah, don't you ever know the little boys in school who would torture you

than, you know, tell you that they liked you?

It's the same thing.

But why?

I don't know, Kayla, because you're beautiful and smart, funny and sexy.

I mean, why would you ever want to be with a guy like me?