Original subtitles

One, two, three.

Way there.

That's it.

Man, I'm pretty.

Do the monkey with me.

And that's why, to a true ninja, everything is a weapon.

Even this lowly breakfast sausage.

Um, who are you?

See?

Didn't expect that, did you? Where's Master Hama? I told you Master Hama ate

bad clam, so I'm in charge.

Now, which one of you maggots thinks he can take me?

You, runty kid. Get up here and show me what you've got.

Don't be afraid to hurt me.

And cover up.

His

chin

is weak, but his skills are deadly.

Dismissed. Loser.

I am out of here, jerk.

Hey,

mister, no dogs allowed.

Many pardon, senor. I am looking for the karate master.

Let it be me, Frenchie. I have been searching far and wide for a man such as

to defend my village against a vicious bandito.

Why don't you just defend yourselves?

We are a village of terrible cowards.

Even the meowing of the tiny kitten makes us cry like little girls.

Boo. Okay,

your story checks out.

So, will you help us, senor?

I don't suppose your village is a glorious paradise where women abound and

nachos flow like wine.

Ah, si.

Then let's ride, amigo.

Well, here we are.

This is your town? Where is everybody?

They're hiding. I told you, we are a village of cowards.

It's all right, everyone.

This is the hombre who's going to help us.

Welcome to Santo Busito, senor.

Ow.

Please accept this complimentary gift basket of shell taco shells and

Yeah, never mind that. Where are all the chicks?

Our daughters are lost away out of fear for the bandito muy caliente.

What? No chicks?

I've had it with you crazy Germans. I'm out of here.

Hey, where's

everyone gone?

He's muy caliente.

He pillages the village every day at 3 o 'clock.

Somebody hide me.

Señor, if you defeat muy caliente, the senoritas will surround you like the

tortilla surrounds the enchilada.

All right. But to win, I will require three things. A magnifying glass, a bowl

of rice, and the feather of a young condor.

Bang, bang. Bang, bang.

Caliente.

Hold it, hombre.

Daddy Bingo? Daddy?

Your horse's name is Bingo?

Si, Bingo is his name -o. So, who are you and what do you want?

Come again?

Who are you and what? I'm not getting you.

Hold on.

I had to take out my retailer.

So, who are you?

I'm the guy who's going to stop your reign of terror.

And how do you propose to do that?

I'll give you this and some rice and a pretty feather.

Now I'm going to pinch you and punch you and feed you to my horse.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Well, all right, then.

Quick,

use this lasso. Thanks.

Ah, chica, Caliente has not seen you around before.

Yes, well, can't talk now. I have tortillas in the oven.

Come, Conchita, give muy Caliente a little kiss.

But I'm too shy and sweaty.

Surely a girl as pretty as you has kissed a man before.

What? It was New Year's Eve. The cherry cola made me giddy.

Mario Lanza, I know that voice.

Now you've done it.

Now I will make you bark like the dog you

are.

Never.

Now chirp like a parakeet.

Now make that clicking noise that dolphins use to find things underwater.

Our champion is even more cowardly than we are. See?

Compared to such a chicken, we are born like the wolf. Get him, mi amigos!

That indio!

Look at that! Oh, look at my kissing hand!

Careful of the hat!

Gracias,

Johnny Bravo. You have taught us never to depend on any stranger to fight our

battles. For he may turn out to be a useless jerk.

No problemo.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Hey, Mama Cetus. How'd you like a big ol' helmet of refried Johnny?

My chihuahua.

Oh, no. I know them little dicks hurt.

Keep your eyes out for aphids, Johnny.

Eternal vigilance is our only defense against those pests.

Oh, Mama, I feel stupid wearing that. Why can't I be a nice macho

Incoming!

Oh,

look! New

neighbors!

Tossing the ottomans, dear.

Oh, I think we're going to love it here.

Bienvenido. Welcome to the neighborhood of Bunny Bravo.

Mona Hirschbaum of the Teaneck Hirschbombs.

Charmed. Johnny, be a dear and help Mrs.

Hirschbaum with her boxes.

I don't know.

Give me a dollar.

Mom, this is a box with all my tight -fitting athletic wear, right?

That's my daughter, Julie.

She's single and plays the tuba like an angel.

Well, aerate my roots and prune my petals.

I think I'm in love.

I'll help you with your boxes, new neighbor lady.

Oh, I'll be careful.

That shiferoad's an heirloom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, dear.

Oh, oh, oh. I'll just carry these in so your gorgeous daughter can tell me where

to put them.

Oh,

look what you've done, you...

careless, clumsy, butterfingers.

No one talk to my Johnny that way. From this moment on, the Bravos and the

Hearst bombs are mortal enemies.

Yeah, whatever.

Listen, I'm going to go in and stare at your daughter.

Come, Johnny. I don't ever want you to speak to these people again.

But I want to stare at Julie.

Dear Julie, I love you very, very, very, very, very,

very much.

This is the house we will live in when we get married.

This is you making me a sandwich. Remember, no onions.

This is... Johnny! Are you talking to that hearsebob girl?

No, Mama!

I'll bury the rest of your doll collection.

Well, my six -foot reinforced concrete wall is finished.

We'll never have to look at those horrible Hirsch bombs again.

Oh, great.

Now what am I gonna do?

If you love someone, Johnny, you should let them know.

What? You mean you think I should pull Vault over the wall and onto her balcony

in a single bound?

Well, I... I'll do it!

Actually, I was gonna suggest a phone call.

Look at her. She's like some...

Untouchable goddess.

Once I get this Bob's wire hung, those horrible bravos won't dare to set a foot

on my property.

Here I come, my sweet patootie.

Ow.

Hello, Mrs. Hirschbaum.

You're looking lovely today.

Peanut, Mr. Foo -Foo, attack!

Oh, it's hopeless.

That wall is like some big concrete barrier thing that keeps us apart.

Don't give up, Johnny.

Anything's possible if you really love someone.

You mean I should use your bow and arrow set to launch myself through the air

and into Julie's bedroom?

Um, not exactly. I'll do it.

Here I come, my brass bow and bonita.

I love you very much.

Why, Mrs. Hirschbaum, what a lovely day.

Would you happen to have a neck brace and a cold compress I could borrow?

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

This is all your fault.

I'm not listening to any more of your stupid advice.

But Johnny, I was only trying to help.

So you're saying I should rent a German tank and take out the power lines

with... No, no, no, no, no. Johnny, listen to me. There's only one option.

Find a way to make peace between the two mamas.

Hmm.

It's just crazy enough to work.

Oh, McDonald had a farm.

E -I -E -I. Oh, my goodness.

B -I -N -G -O -N. Bingo was his name. Oh, my heaven.

A -F -I -N -G.

Bunny, my begonias.

And my azaleas. One woman alone cannot defeat these six -legged fiends. We've

got to join forces.

Mona Hirschbaum, let's tear down this wall.

I'll get the pesticide. And I'll get the big honking bug zapper I bought on sale

last week.

What's going on, Johnny? Well, I took your advice and bought a 20 -gallon drum

of aphids and let them loose on the lawn.

Coming your way, buddy.

Bring it on, girlfriend.

Yes, Mona.

What does this mean?

I have no idea.

It worked, Johnny. They're friends again.

Yeah, and I still have 5 ,000 aphids left. See?

Johnny, what are you? I confess.

I put aphids on your flowers so you'd stop fighting. I did it.

Because I'm in love with your daughter.

Oh!

Is that the most precious thing you've ever heard?

I would be proud to have a boy like you chasing mindlessly after my daughter.

Mom, what's going on?

Julie? Yes, Johnny?

Say, you ain't going to end up looking like your mama, are you? Excuse me?

Because you know you're sweet, but she is... Pucker up.

All them tuba lessons are about to pay off.

Maybe it will be better if we just move.

Keep in touch, dear.

Hey there, my little Etruscan honeybunch. Your pearly

gladiator is here.

I saw I broke a hip.

That's it. Dig, Johnny. Your sweaty, back -breaking labor may lead to my

greatest discovery yet. Why am I doing all the digging?

Quiet, Johnny. This is science. There's no complaining in science.

I thought you said we'd find scary dinosaur skeletons here.

All we've found so far is an angry muskrat, this priceless Egyptian

these sticks of dynamite.

No skeletons, huh?

Then what do you call this?

What the heck is that?

It's a fragment of the anterior toe bone of a brachiated pooptosaurus.

So? So! So he stood over three feet tall with nasty green eyes and an

annoying high -pitched roar.

Roar!

Roar!

Roar! I meant to do that.

Oh, my gosh! Look at that! Let me see! Let me see! Let me see!

Johnny,

do you realize what you've just found?

No, but I'm sure you're going to yammer on about it. It's an artifact from a

genuine Bravopithecus.

Perfectly preserved in amber.

Bravopithecus? That's right.

After the last ice age, this noble biped bestrode these valleys like a colossus.

Wow. Did he fight a lot of scary dinosaurs?

Loads of them.

Ah, but you probably don't care about that.

But I do care. Tell me more, Carl.

Tell me the whole story.

Okay, a long time ago in a gene pool far away, evolution had hit a bit of a

snag. Hey, Mama, bring me another warthog sandwich.

Johnny, this is your kid's one today.

All you do is sit around the cave all day and eat.

Hey, there's no pickles on this sandwich.

Look around, Johnny. Everyone on the block is evolving except you. Your

Grock just learned to use his opposable thumbs.

And just last week, that nice Cro -Banion boy, Carl, invented fire on the

Cook, you stupid marshmallow!

Yeah, but everybody hates him.

Johnny, me and some of the other cavemen are concerned that your crummy attitude

might be angering the spirit world.

I'm afraid that unless you start pulling your weight around here, we're going to

have to cast you out of the tribe.

Hey, man, if you got a point, could you make it after lunch?

Boys.

He's ventured beyond the tree.

No one has ever gone that far and lived.

I'll show you all. I'll find a tribe that accepts me for who I am. And when I

do, they'll probably make me king.

And I'll come back and make you all dance around like stupid little monkeys.

Dang, I'm hungry.

Hey,

a nest. Nest means eggs.

Eggs means breakfast.

Breakfast, the most important meal of the plasticine era.

Huh?

Oh, look at the cute little thing.

Where's your mama, little fellows?

Maybe this is where I belong. Caring for these defenseless creatures.

Protecting them from the cold.

Teaching them how to make me a sandwich.

Oh, they like me.

Calm down, lady. I wasn't going to eat them. Well, maybe the little one.

Whoa.

I wouldn't mind joining her tribe.

Hey, baby.

How's about letting me be your missing link to love?

Oh, I get it. You're one of those feminine cave women who like to make the

move. No!

Wait! Isn't there any way I can win your heart?

Well, you could help me get rid of the giant dinosaur that's been terrorizing

me. Anything's better than being thrown off this cliff.

Where is the ugly varmint? At the bottom of this cliff.

No!

I'll take it.

Now, where would I be if I were a giant, scary dinosaur?

Maybe I can get a better view from this hill.

Man, this hill stinks.

And it's all rough and scaly.

And, uh, breathing.

This won't end well.

The boys don't like to miss a minute of the Manhunt's Warthog Show.

Hold on. This part's hilarious.

You mean all you do all day is sit around and watch colorful images on a

square thing?

No. Sometimes we walk over to the buffet table and make a big cheesy plate of

nachos. Big cheesy plate?

I found my home!

There's a new link in the food chain, and it's crunchy.

Scoot over, fellas.

And that's why we have snack food.

So did Bravo Pithy Guy ever go back to his tribe? Where'd they get the

microwaves to cook the nachos? Did cavemen brush their teeth with rocks?

Uh -huh, uh -huh. And then the Ice Age hit, and people used snowballs for

and polar bears directed traffic, and ravenous man -eating chickens roamed the

prairies.

None of that story's true, is it, Carl?

No. I made it all up because I crave attention.

It makes you wonder, doesn't it?