Original subtitles

(wind whooshing)

(bats squeaking)

(dramatic music)

[Brick] It's a cruel world.

It's kind of lonely when you're only a foot tall

like this little Ginger who got shrunk by aliens.

Maybe a visit from Dollman will cheer her up.

I know meeting a chick my size would make me feel better

about being stuck on this planet.

(dramatic music)

(light orchestral music)

(wind whooshing) (suspenseful music)

(light chiming music)

(clown laughing)

(gun firing)

(bear growling)

(lasers blasting)

(clown laughing)

(electricity crackling)

(explosion booming)

Play time.

(gasping)

(thunder crashing)

(muffled rock music)

♪ Too late to change my mind ♪

(man grunting)

(window creaking)

Uh-oh.

Look at this place.

What a joint.

(eerie ambient music)

(thunder crashing)

Make all the fucking noise you want.

Don't mean nothing.

I'm here and I'm warm and I'm dry.

Well, not too dry.

But this is my port in the storm.

Good evening, everyone.

Hope you don't mind sharing your home with me for the night

and if you do, fuck you.

Sir, I'm here at Toyland.

Now whoever it was I heard before has dropped into one

of the main storage bins.

Over. - Over is right.

Gray, I told you that house is off limits.

What the hell are you doing there?

- My job. - Bullshit.

You're on suspension, remember?

Sir, like I told you before, I have known

for months that there's something going down here.

[Man] I don't want to here this shit, Grey.

Sir, I'm going to give you my stakeout position.

[Man] Yeah.

Standing in front of my desk.

I'm sending a unit to pull your ass out of there.

You're done, Officer.

Not yet.

(ominous music)

(gun cocking)

(horn honking) (man laughing)

This is more fun than

(horn honking drowns speech)

(man laughing) (ominous music)

(man grunting)

(electricity crackling)

(wind whooshing) (electricity crackling)

(clown laughing)

(baby chuckling)

Thanks for helping us out, asshole.

(clown laughing)

Let's get rid of this creep.

(wind whooshing) (electricity crackling)

(clown laughing)

Jesus Christ.

Not quite, slut.

(guns firing)

(clown screaming)

(guns firing)

You're full of this shit.

It takes magic to fight magic, bitch.

You bastards!

(baby laughing)

[Baby] Miss me, miss me.

Now you got to kiss me.

(gun firing)

Drop the gun.

Now.

You guys don't understand.

- Do it. - Look, I'm a cop.

[Officer] You were a cop, Ms. Grey.

Turn around.

- What? - Up against the wall.

Move it.

You don't know what you're doing.

I was firing on a suspect that

escaped through that air duct.

Uh-huh.

Sure.

You're under arrest.

What's the charge?

Discharging a firearm

in the city limits will do for starters.

This is for your own good, Ms. Grey.

We don't want anybody to get hurt.

Okay.

I've been staking out this place for months

waiting for these suspects to make a move.

And now they finally do and you guys come along

and fuck everything up.

You have the right to remain silent.

No, it's the goddamn toys.

Go after the toys.

Anything you say can and will be used you.

You're letting the toys win.

Let go of me!

No!

Yeah, right.

Well, thanks for coming along when you guys did

but I probably would have been able

to handle the weirdo by myself, of course.

You never know when you've got to put it all

on the line in this job.

You know what I mean?

(dramatic music)

Who would have thought a good looking broad

like that going psycho.

Psycho.

All bitches are crazy, squirt.

Don't look so surprised, jerk weed.

I know all about women.

Nice balance, half pint.

You've got shit for brains.

I can use someone like you.

(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)

(sighing)

[DJ] Hey, hey.

Rise and shine all you, rodents.

It's a great day to play hooky and hit the beach.

So come on.

Let's blast out under the blue skies and crank it.

(sighing) I'd love to rock out, pal.

Do you know anyone that will come and get me

down off this kitchen counter?

(dramatic music)

Perfect.

Sheik in a bottle.

All I got to do is find her.

[Man] Whoa.

Hey, buddy, you seen a girl around here about my size?

Huh?

What's the matter?

You never seen a cop before?

(upbeat music)

(clearing throat) This is perfect, baby.

Just the thing to drive GI Joe insane.

Will you get the hell out of here?

Look, you're a public figure now.

Okay?

Let's face it.

There aren't that many foot tall cutie pies running

around out there and the public has a right to know.

Don't you have any respect for freedom

of the press for God's sake?

- Knock it off. - You're scaring me.

Oh, I think I wet myself.

You could have at least used a bottle opener.

What do you want?

An exclusive interview

with you wearing a teeny wienie little bikini.

Then you'll leave me alone forever?

(sighing) All right.

Great.

Great.

Just give me a couple of days.

I'll put some wardrobe together.

I'll call Barbie's people.

Maybe they'll give us a loan.

(laughing)

I'll see you later, doll.

I can hardly wait.

Oom

(screaming)

(gun firing)

The exterminator is here.

Don't worry.

You're not dreaming.

Who are you?

Bardo.

Brick Bardo.

The neighbors call me Dollman.

Dollman?

Not really.

Yeah, real.

I don't understand any of this.

Did you get shrunk like I did?

Come on.

I'll fill you in.

Gross.

A month ago I would have just squished it.

I never knew anything so small could be so scary.

Yeah.

Nightmares come in all sizes.

I saw your interview.

You know where they are?

You're wasting your breath.

You know,

I can make life very difficult for you, Collins.

Yeah.

Look, cop or no cop.

I don't have to give up a damn thing to you.

All I need is an address.

Ever since we ran this story,

I've had people dropping out of trees making me huge offers

to tell them where these two little freaks are, okay?

Fine.

So what does it hurt you to help me a little bit?

I made a promise to be discreet.

(scoffing) What?

Your big offers weren't big enough.

Let's just say my integrity means a lot to me.

(Judith scoffing)

Look, you and I don't have to negotiate

on a cash basis, do we?

Give me a break.

You've got assets, baby.

You should learn how to use them.

Well.

Maybe you're right.

I always figured that the cops

and the press should learn how to cooperate with each other.

But I can't give up anything until you give something to me.

Fair enough.

But I've got to have something, just a taste.

Just so I know that your information is good, you know?

It's the best.

You're making this tough.

Okay, okay.

It's a little nothing town called Pahoota.

Pahoota?

- Pahoota. - Pahoota.

Yeah.

I can drive us there.

We can spend the night on the road.

Sure.

How about when hell freezes over.

What?

What is this?

Thanks for your cooperation

with my little investigation of media ethics.

I'm doing a story on you.

When I'm done with you, you're not going to be able

to get a gig as a crossing guard,

you little prick teasing slut.

Okay, I didn't mean to call you a prick tease.

(grunting)

You well done yet?

Can't be too thin or too tan.

Or too small.

Very funny.

Well, these fire stones that Onteros used

to get them to 400 degrees.

People get so tan they were toast.

(laughing) Would I be a babe on Onteros?

Yeah.

You'd do all right.

Wow.

That almost sounded like a compliment.

Maybe it was.

You don't talk too much about your home, Bardo.

Yeah, I'm too far away from it.

Miss it?

Not anymore.

Then you should be able to talk about it.

I told you how I got into this whole mess

and I don't even know how you ended up on Earth.

What's Onteros like?

Are there bug-eyed monsters all over the place?

Is it real dangerous?

Hell, your kitchen is dangerous.

Come on.

So you're a cop, right?

Yeah.

I was a cop.

My beat was Angel City,

a high tech armpit of a city on Onteros.

My job was to nail every intergalactic scumbag I could

get my hands on.

I was damn good at it.

That pissed some people off.

Disappointed you didn't get to kill anyone tonight, Bardo?

You're through.

You goddamn psycho.

[Brick] Hell, I didn't give a shit

about anything except doing my job.

Screw was a wart on the asshole of the universe.

We've spent the better part

of the last five eons trying to kill each other.

And I was coming out on top.

You've always screwed up my plans.

But this time you won't have a chance because you're going

to be in tiny, tiny little pieces.

Start with his left hand.

(wind whooshing)

(gun firing)

[Brick] Screw left the guts of his buddies behind

and took off to save this grungy neck and that's

about all that was left.

I stole a unit from the police garage

and chased his ass half across the universe.

(Screw groaning) (wind whooshing)

(Screw screaming) (electricity crackling)

(voices chattering)

(dramatic music)

[Automated Voice] Warning.

You have landed on an alien panet.

Are pressure and atmosphere compatible to human life.

Warning, based on sensor calculations of planet structures,

your planet's relationships are altered.

New planet's lifeforms are a ratio of six to one large.

(dramatic music)

(screaming)

You are so small.

Her name is Maria.

She reminded of a girl back home

except she was 100 times bigger.

(Brick grunting)

She took me home to a pit she

shared with her 10-year-old son

and a bunch of noisy neighbors who thought I was a freak.

Get away.

All of you.

She had guts and wouldn't roll over

to some neighborhood scumbags

who are running the streets.

What?

Your little friend going to come over and beat me up?

Help!

Somebody help!

(gun firing) (explosion booming)

I nailed them all.

It felt damn good, like I was a cop again.

I had a thing for Maria but it just wasn't in the cards.

Besides I was running low on ammo so I said good-bye.

(dramatic music)

So I figured quiet wasn't such a bad idea.

Quiet where?

In Pahoota?

I think you came to the wrong place, Brick, believe me.

I've got a story that will match yours.

It even involves space aliens.

Only this one wasn't shorter than Earth people.

He just like to make Earth people short.

(dramatic music)

(electricity crackling)

(laser blasting) (electricity crackling)

Guys from space wanted the music

and the babes that went with it

so they used the station to play

the intergalactic dating game.

And we were the bachelorettes.

The idea was to shrink us down to portable size,

put us in their ship, and take us home.

The first one to go was Cookie, the waitress.

A very good friend of mine.

Then they went after Bunny.

They really played with her mind.

Then they came after me.

Actually it felt kind of good at first.

Then it got bogged out.

(thunder crashing)

Before we knew it we ended

up in these tacky little space bottles.

(dramatic music)

(gasping) (all screaming)

The DJ and some guys from town fought the monster

and got them to return the other girls to normal size.

But they chased them away before

they got a chance to rescue me.

(explosion booming)

(all clapping)

(wind whooshing)

Where's Ginger?

Help, help!

That was about as trapped

and alone as I ever want to be.

Help!

Help!

I never real knew what being lonely was until,

until- You're not trapped, Ginger.

You're not alone either.

I'm glad you're here, Brick.

(dramatic music)

(Ginger breathing heavily)

(door clicking)

Brick, behind you.

Sorry.

So now I guess I'm Miss psycho cop of the year.

How long did they suspend you?

Six months depending

on the outcome of my hearing.

Does your captain back you?

Are you kidding?

He's the one that had me busted.

We had a captain like that on Onteros.

He was a real jerk.

Every time he got his ass in a sling,

he'd use me for the fall guy.

Sounds like we work for the same guy.

Except your pain

in the ass was bigger sort to speak.

So are you going to help me?

You mean hunt down the possessed toys?

I didn't imagine them.

Come on, lady.

This whole thing sounds crazy.

Toys that come to life and kill people

to help a demon from hell.

Tell me another one.

Okay.

Hey, how about a girl who gets shrunk by a monster

from outer space and lives with your alien boyfriend

in the kitchen drawer, huh?

Do you believe that one?

Ladies, please.

She's already been kicked off the police force

for being nut-so.

Said there was some chicken delivery guy who fought the toys

with you the first time.

Why don't you ask him for help?

I did.

He won't talk to me.

He won't talk to anybody.

He's, he's scared.

That's convenient.

It's true.

What about your kid?

They might want revenge on the both of you for screwing

up their plans a year ago.

Yeah.

Well, I took him to my sister's.

He'll be safe there.

You're acting like you believe her.

Bardo, partner up with me.

You can go where those toys go.

You're the perfect size to help me kick their butts.

I'm kind of liking the quiet, Ms. Grey.

It would be a hell of a job.

But if you can't, you can't.

I'm sorry to waste your time.

I thought you might still be a cop.

(dramatic music)

Wait a minute.

Brick, don't.

I am still a cop.

I just don't want anything to happen to you.

I can take care of myself, maybe this lady too.

I just never had a partner who looked like you.

You're a little compact for her, aren't you?

I didn't mean it that way.

She's a cop in trouble.

Okay, you got me.

Great.

Actually you've got us.

Wait, I don't want you tagging along.

The hell I'm not.

She might decide she wants to play house with the Dollman

and I'm going to be right there

to show her who's built better for the job.

Besides I'm nurse.

If anything does happen to you,

somebody's got to patch you up.

(dramatic music)

- What's the layout? - Two floors

with an air conditioning system

running through the whole place.

You can flush the toys out from one side.

I can bait them from the other.

If they're there.

We'll see them soon enough.

If we bust this case at all,

it'll square it for you.

You know, I don't even care

if the department knows about this.

I just want to kill those little bastards.

[Baby] That's far enough.

Get the hell away from her.

(suspenseful music)

(wind whooshing)

You can do all this shit.

What do you need me for?

The first asshole was just an accident.

We need a steady supply of blood to reach our full strength.

I can get you all the hookers you need as long

as you keep your end of the bargain.

You're going to protect us until we can summon the master?

Yeah.

As long as he gives me everything that I want.

No problem.

Believe me.

Your life's going to change.

(clown laughing)

Quiet.

As usual.

Get me inside.

I'll take care of that.

Set?

Set.

(suspenseful music)

Baby, you're mine.

(door clicking)

(suspenseful music)

This one's back for another ass kicking.

(clown laughing)

Officer Grey doesn't give up easy.

(suspenseful music)

They don't look alive to me.

Yeah, well, this is just kid stuff.

(suspenseful music)

I haven't been hunting

since I landed on this planet.

This ought to be fun.

The toys come in through that duct

so they can be any place in the whole building.

So let me in there

to meet the sons of bitches.

Ginger, you take cover.

I'm no wimp, you know.

Yeah, I know, baby, but you don't have a gun.

We do.

(clown laughing)

(gun firing)

[Baby] Jesus.

Who's out there?

Arnold Schwarzenegger. - Who?

Drive them back.

They'll stick their heads out again.

They love to play this cat and mouse shit.

(toys whirring)

Hey, bitch, how much ammo you going

to waste before you give it up?

(gun firing)

That much, you little bastard.

Hey, don't fuck with my friends.

I thought I got rid of you, you crazy broad.

I'll be damned.

More living dolls.

Put the gun down.

Hey, I'm not sharing this shit with anybody.

(gun firing)

Nice shooting, officer.

I wish I were five feet taller, no offense.

Thanks.

We don't have much time.

That was two of the toys.

But there's more and they can go anyplace.

It's your turn now, Bardo.

Good luck.

(toy whirring) (ominous music)

Look out.

(guns firing)

(Ginger screaming) (gun firing)

(light chiming music)

(Judith groaning)

See?

I wasn't kidding.

Hang in there, Judith.

Just finish the job, okay, Bardo?

Count on it.

(thunder crashing) (light chiming music)

(suspenseful music)

Wait.

This is no good.

We don't know this place.

They can jump out anywhere.

Ginger, we need to find an vantage point.

Look up there where we can get out.

[Brick] I can't do that.

If we get out of here, we could get some help.

I can't.

I made a promise cop to cop.

You wait here.

Look,

I'll compromise.

I'll see what I can do up here.

You go around.

I don't want to leave you here.

I don't like the idea either, Ginger.

I really don't.

(tense music)

(clown grunting)

Watch out.

(clown laughing)

(toy grunting)

(Ginger screaming)

(Brick grunting)

Brick, watch out.

(toy grunting)

(clown laughing)

(Ginger screaming)

(clown laughing)

(baby humming)

Brick!

(Ginger screaming)

(dramatic music)

Brick.

Brick!

(clown growling)

(Ginger screaming)

(clown laughing)

Brick.

Ginger.

(suspenseful music)

Brick, up here in the bins.

(suspenseful music)

(clown laughing)

(Ginger screaming)

(clown laughing)

(Ginger screaming) (clown laughing)

Why don't you join the party in the next room?

Better watch that first step.

It's a killer.

(laughing)

[Ginger] Brick.

I'm okay.

Are you all right?

She's a bit tied up at the moment.

(clown laughing)

Ginger, what's going on?

Actually it's more like what's coming off.

(clown laughing)

I told you this is a party.

You might even call it my bachelor's party before my big

wedding night.

Wedding night?

You heard right, shithead.

Me and the doll chick are going to engage

in some marital bliss and start a family.

What the hell are you talking about?

You're a fucking toy.

That's right.

I'm a fucking toy and come midnight that's exactly what

I'll be doing to doll chick.

But first I want to have my party.

Let's start up the entertainment, boys.

(upbeat rock music)

♪ I'm in a rude rude mood ♪

♪ And I'm on the way ♪

♪ I'm in a rude rude mood ♪

(toy whirring)

I love it.

It's really going to tear you up.

(clown laughing)

(Brick screaming)

That's done.

This is the best bachelor party a guy could ever ask for.

You said something about midnight.

What's going to happen?

The master arrives.

That's what's going to happen.

The master?

Who's he? A fucking Ken doll?

That's real funny, jerk-off.

We've got a couple minutes.

I suppose I could tell you the whole story before you split.

About 67 years ago on Halloween night,

some dipshit tried to give him a body

by letting the master do the nasty

with some bimbo.

Unfortunately they blew it somehow

and the kid was born dead.

So being the real brain trust that they were,

they had some rug rat trick

or treaters bury the demon baby in the ground.

They didn't realize that some

day some yo-yos would build this

warehouse over the burial site.

For 66 years the master was a prisoner inside the corpse.

Looked like he'd never get another chance

until that pregnant slut Judith Grey showed up.

Her holier than thou spirit helped to fuck up everything.

That was a year ago and here we are again, Halloween night.

The master says it's going to go inside me.

And then the doll chick here, she'll have a kid

and finally the master will have the body he needs.

Oh, by the way, I got my baby doll a baby doll nightie.

It's for later when we make baby doll love.

(clown laughing)

Gentlemen, start your engines.

(toy whirring) (Brick groaning)

(suspenseful music)

Looks like this is the end of Brick Bardo.

(tires screeching)

(Ginger screaming)

(tires screeching)

Huh?

Run.

Get the hell out of here.

Split him a new asshole.

(tires screeching)

(Ginger grunting)

Grab that whore.

(Brick grunting)

(Ginger screaming)

We're still going to bump and grind, baby-cakes.

(suspenseful music)

(toy growling)

(toy grunting)

(toy growling)

(electricity crackling) (toy screaming)

(suspenseful music)

Oh, now come on, baby. I. - No.

- Just relax. - Stop it.

- Take it easy. - Stop it.

It's going to be fun.

Just think of it as kind of a baby surprise.

[Ginger] Get away.

Maybe sort of like a little prick.

(laughing) (thunder crashing)

It's almost time for your big bang, baby.

Put it on, cupcake.

I don't want to lose the romantic mood.

Put it on yourself, you perverted mutant rat.

Fuck it.

You won't need it anyhow.

We're going to be

in our birthday suits once we get started.

(Ginger screaming)

(clown laughing)

(Brick grunting)

Eat this.

(clown laughing)

(gun firing)

Pop goes the weasel.

[Baby] Hey, hey.

Easy.

Oh, you like to struggle.

Well, I like the rough stuff too, baby.

(Ginger screaming)

You know how babies love to nibble on things.

Stop.

Get away from me.

Get away.

Open sesame.

(Ginger screams)

(thunder crashing)

Witching time.

Stay away from me.

Stay away.

- And away we go. - What?

It's happening.

I'm changing.

(electricity crackling)

(thunder crashing)

I think you'll truly enjoy this, my dear.

No.

Get the hell away from me.

Get the hell away from you?

You've got it all wrong.

I'm going to get the hell inside you.

(Ginger screaming)

Now here are some all-day suckers.

Too late, Bardo.

Drop the gun or I'll kill the girl.

Bullshit.

You're not going to kill her.

You need her.

I've waited this long.

I can wait another year.

It depends on you.

(thunder crashing)

Well, it seems your Dollman doesn't think as much

of you as you believe.

Don't listen to him, Brick.

[Baby] Now drop it on the floor.

(suspenseful music)

[Ginger] No, no.

Kick it over here.

(Ginger coughing)

Here's the plan, Bardo.

You try anything and I'll break her neck.

Do we understand each other?

(thunder crashing)

Yeah.

Now, tell you what?

I'll let you watch me do the nasty with Ginger.

You'll be the first to experience my human birth.

No.

It will be a real honor for you.

Don't listen to that creep, Brick.

Remember he's still just a doll.

How wrong you are, my dear.

I have all the tools necessary now.

All the tools.

(Ginger grunting)

(baby screaming)

(screaming)

(gun firing)

(dramatic music)

Ginger.

(dramatic music)

What are we going to do now?

Call the cops.

Tell them Judith Grey died in the line of duty

and after that we've got to find our way back home.

(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)

(speaking foreign language)

- Pahoota. - What?

You say you want to come here?

I said Pahoota, pal.

What's the matter?

You don't hear so well?

(speaking foreign language)

Step on it.

We're a little short of patience if you know what I mean.

(Ginger chuckling)

(speaking foreign language)

(upbeat music)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(light orchestral music)