Original subtitles

(dog panting)

NARRATOR: You know, they say the great thing

about being a kid is, it's so easy to pretend.

You can have a conversation with your dog

or a baseball or a banana.

Well, what if it wasn't pretend?

What if you could have a conversation?

I mean, not with a baseball or a banana...

that's ridiculous but, but with your dog.

DOG: I mean, we don't have the same concept of time

that, uh... that, for instance, people do,

because, uh, you have watches and clocks.

But we do know that you go away,

and it's not like we don't know

that you're gone.

So we don't know exactly how long, no.

Why do dogs sniff each other's butts?

Well, that's just kind of our way of shaking hands.

If you really want to get a sense of who somebody is,

-you gotta sniff their butt. -ARCHER: Son!

Stop talking to the dog.

She doesn't understand a word that you're saying.

NARRATOR: At first, his dad thought,

"Hey, it's just harmless kid stuff."

But as time went on, John crossed that fine line

between harmless and, you know, just weird.

-Mr. Galvin. -Mr. Dolittle.

This is my son, John.

John, this is your new principal, Mr. Galvin.

Nice to meet you, John.

-(sniffing) -Oh, boy. That's not good.

-Nice to meet you. -John!

(muttering)

NARRATOR: It was time to put an end to it.

Thank you for coming, Reverend.

(whimpers)

(door closes)

Leave this boy, devil man.

Go now, Satan. Take the serpent's voices with you.

I command you to come out of this boy!

Come on out of this boy! God said it!

(barks) I'm gonna bite you!

(yelps) That's enough, dog!

Get this dog... that dog off me!

-(laughing) -Get this dog!

She was my best friend.

-You'll make some real friends now. -(dog barking)

NARRATOR: From that day on,

John Dolittle never spoke to animals again.

Someday, you're gonna thank me for this.

NARRATOR: And after a while, all he could remember...

was that deep down inside there was something missing.

And just like his dad wanted,

he grew up to be a normal, regular guy.

You know, miserable.

Hey! Hey, get out of here.

Hey! (yelling) Hyah!

-Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! -(whimpers)

Mutt... A vicious animal's in the hallway.

(squeaking)

NARRATOR: And did I mention he was a father,

a lot like his own father, who was a father to him...

before he, himself, became a... (clears throat)

Oh, look! She's got a giant egg.

-Good morning, Charisse. -My name isn't Charisse.

I've changed my name to Paprika.

Paprika? Paprika Dolittle. Kinda has a nice ring to it.

Not Dolittle, just Paprika.

Well, I don't understand it.

What is that about? What's Paprika about?

You know, salt and pepper, paprika.

Oh. Oh, okay, Paprika. I get it.

-I think Paprika is a beautiful name. -(phone rings)

Really? Well, I think Paprika sounds like a seasoning.

-(phone rings, beeps) -Dolittle.

He doesn't take anything we want seriously.

Tell me about it.

Yes, Mark. Yes, I did go over the proposal.

I think it's unbelievable. Okay, I'm on my way in now.

Maya, where are you going with that?

It's for my swan egg I found in the park.

Really? Looks like it'd be a good omelet.

Dad, it's gonna hatch any day now.

Well, you're gonna miss that 'cause you're gonna be at camp.

But, Dad, I can't go to camp,

'cause when a baby bird hatches,

the first thing it sees, it bonds with it,

and I want it to be me.

You know, Maya, it is not normal or healthy for you

to spend all your time at your little experiments.

You know what would be a good experiment for you?

For you to spend time with some kids your own age at camp.

Which is exactly where you're going this Sunday.

You're being dropped off at camp.

You mean dumping me off. And what about my pet egg?

Here. Here's a half a dozen pet eggs

to take with you to camp.

Oh, stop it.

I don't know what all the fuss is about.

We went and bought you that thing anyway.

You got a pet. What was that pet rat thing that we bought?

BOTH: A guinea pig.

We got you the guinea rat and the thing died.

It's not our fault that it died.

It didn't die!

His name is Rodney, and he's in my room.

The thing's still ali... So why are you bothering me about this swan...

I'm going to work. I'm out of here.

-Good-bye. -Bye.

Bye-bye. Everybody, good... Have a nice day, everybody.

-Nice day. -(door opens, closes)

Johnny!

John, Gene has got some qualms about the new proposal.

I'd like you very much to talk to him.

No room for qualms, Gene.

-No room for qualms. -No qualms.

-No, there's just one or two things... -Qualms are bad.

Qualms are bad.

Listen to Johnny. Qualms are bad.

There are qualms I'd like to discuss. You know what it is?

I'm just afraid that if we let a big company

(chuckles) like Calnet take us over,

you know, we're not gonna be us anymore, you know?

W-W-We'd be them.

Let me explain something to you, Gene.

Them has the best hospitals,

and them has the best laboratories

and them is gonna pay us a very big,

giant amount of money, you know what I'm saying?

You know, I swear to God

that when I think about the money, I get teary.

-Huge. -You know, look at me.

See, those are real tears in his eyes.

MARK: So Saturday morning we're sitting down with the Calnet people.

I'll see you all there. I'm very, very excited about this.

Hey, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Saturday morning?

I'm supposed to take my family to the country this weekend.

Well, don't.

You see? You see, it's happening already.

-What? -John,

you're being forced to neglect your family.

Gene, relax. No such thing.

-Mrs. O'Brien? -Yes.

-How are you? -Not so...

-Is your tummy still... -Uh-huh.

Oh. Okay. Saturday morning, guys.

Gene, no tank tops, please. No tank tops.

-Mrs. Parkus. -Yes, Doctor.

Mrs. Parkus, have you eaten shellfish again?

-Just soft-shell crab. -And what's the middle word?

-Shell. -Exactly.

Rodney's lost. He's not in his cage.

Well, y'all got to get going. I'll find your hamster for you.

He's a guinea pig.

Whatever. It's a rodent. I'll find the rodent.

Hey, Nutmeg, let's go!

You better wipe that look off your face.

That's a little better.

Your daughter's turning into a little wise ass.

She's turning into a little you.

You know, there's more to this H.M.O. deal than money.

You sell, they own you.

Lisa, this is gonna be good for us. Watch.

I'm so tired of that rap.

It's always for us, John,

but sometimes I don't know who us is.

What do you mean, you don't know who us is? Us is us.

Me and you and Maya and Charisse, Lisa.

Lisa, the more money you have,

the more time you can spend with your family.

That's the way it boils down. That's true.

And in the meantime, you're just gonna have to make do and be happy

with this beautiful, fancy sports car

you always wanted, right here. Beautiful.

Oh, my God, John, you didn't!

No, I didn't. The van's around the corner.

But I saw how fluttery you got,

so don't tell me you don't care about money.

"Oh, John, you didn't. You didn't."

-That's not funny. -"Oh, John." (laughs)

Daddy, you have to find Rodney.

JOHN: I'll find Rodney for you.

I'll put down some of that sticky paper.

-No, don't put down the sticky paper. -Don't worry.

The sticky paper's fine. You peel him right off it and he'll live.

-(groans) -I'm only kidding. Tell you what.

I will turn the house upside down,

and I will find Rodney for you, yes? Okay?

Just bring him with you.

And call me if my egg starts to hatch.

I will call you if your egg starts to hatch.

(John snoring)

(snoring continues)

(squeaking)

(screaming)

Maya! Maya!

(screaming continues)

Let's go! Let's go!

Get in there, and you stay in there!

(squeaking)

(sighs)

(phone ringing)

(exhales) Dolittle.

Mrs. Parkus, do you have a death wish?

But I took it out of the shell.

-Can I talk to you for a minute? -Sure.

You couldn't tell what this was without me?

Oh, I knew what it was.

She was frightened.

She wanted her doctor. It's a beautiful thing.

That's a... You...

That's a beautiful thing? That's a beautiful thing?

-How old are you? -Twenty-six.

You spend all your time down here, right?

Probably grab your naps curled up in the break room

on that little cot back there.

Little occasional nooky with one of the interns

in the closet or something.

Well, I have a real life, okay?

And I'd appreciate it if you only called me down here

when it was a real emergency.

If one of my patients comes in here

carrying his own head, call me.

Somebody comes in with a bicycle

halfway up their ass, call me, you understand?

Yeah, I understand.

So you want me to give her the injection?

I would not be a smart-ass right now if I was you.

Make little smart statements to me at two o'clock

in the morning after I came in.

(muttering)

Is there something wrong, Doctor?

Um, no, Mrs. Parkus.

-Oh. (giggles) -There we go. Okay.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

(rock music playing on car stereo)

♪ Gitchi gitchi ya ya da da ♪

♪ Gitchi gitchi ya ya here ♪

♪ Mocha chocalata ya ya ♪

(sighs)

DOG: Why don't you watch where you're going next time, you bonehead?

(mellow music playing)

(indistinct chattering)

(squawks)

Let me start by saying thank you very much

for giving up part of your weekend.

Uh, we just want to make sure we can answer

any and all of your questions.

We want you all to be comfortable

with what we're proposing.

And, uh, speaking of which.

It explains the details of the buyout.

The financial information you're probably most interested in

is on page four.

Oh, wow. Four million dollars.

That's pretty comfortable.

-I'm comfortable. -JOHN: Very.

-MARK: You comfortable, Geno? -Um, actually, I have some questions.

-No, you don't. -Yes, I do.

Um, I was wondering,

are we gonna have to cut back on our staff?

Yes, unfortunately, we're gonna have to make some staff cuts.

-PIGEON 1: Bread? -No, thank you.

"No, thank you"?

Yeah, you offered me some bread, and I don't want any, thanks.

Uh, so you have no problem with minor staff cuts?

PIGEON 2: Hey, you gonna share that bread or what?

PIGEON 1: You just said you didn't want any.

PIGEON 2: Did not.

-What is this, some kind of joke? -Absolutely not.

Bagel chips.

Back off or you'll find your nuts in a tree.

Where's the love? Ow! Where's the love?

So, John, do you have a problem with that or not. John?

BIRD: Watch your head. I'm flyin' here!

Okay, that's about enough meeting for me. I gotta get going.

This was a great meeting

and very productive. Wonderful meeting.

I'm looking forward to... See you guys on Monday.

I'll talk to you later. Excuse me.

Johnny's been on call all night, Mr. Calloway.

He's very excited.

(panting)

MAN: You gotta move it.

-(gasps) -(snorts)

I said let's go. You can't park here. Let's move it.

Oh, geez. Thanks, man. Okay, I'm movin' it. Thank you.

(instrumental music playing)

JOHN: Ridiculous.

♪ Rock steady, baby, that's what I feel now ♪

♪ Let's call the song exactly what it is ♪

♪ Step and move your hips with a feelin' from side to side ♪

(sniffs, exhales)

Boy, we got some fresh air in here.

Yeah. You know, that's the thing about the city.

-You don't realize... -What...

-Whoa. Whoa! -Oh!

Whoa! I should have put on my seat belt!

Ease it down. Ease it down. Slow your butt down! Whoa!

Geez Louise! That didn't seem too safe.

Oh! My back hurt.

This is a dream.

-I'm dreaming right now. -Whoa! Hold it! Stop!

You're talkin' and I understand you.

See, those guys in my dorm

told me that stuff wouldn't affect me.

Now 15 years later, this shit starts happenin' to me.

Okay, let's chill. Let's just chill.

I'm not gonna chill. You're gonna chill.

Uh, what are you doin', switchin' sides?

All right, you. Come on.

Hey, I can't drive!

Out! Let's go.

-Need some help? -Uh, no. Um, we're fine.

I'm just stretchin' my legs a little here.

Ask her if she's got any lettuce.

Shut your mouth. Shut your little furry mouth right now!

-(squeaking) -You sure you're okay?

Oh, yeah. I'm fine.

-That's good. -Thank you.

Thank you so much. Good-bye.

RODNEY: Now what?

-Hey, hey. -You're a monster!

-Hey, what are you doin'? -Leave me alone!

Hey. What are you, nuts? Hey, hey! I'll roast!

You stay away! I'll kill you!

No! Don't leave me out here! It's hot!

Hey, what kind of doc are you?

Hey, Doc, this is cruel to animals!

Come on! I'm your friend! I'm your buddy!

Reverse!

That's it. Back up.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't run over the cage now.

Ooh, man, you scared the crap out of me. See? There it is.

Shut up. You shut up right now.

If you say one more word, one more,

I'm gonna leave you here in the middle of the road, understand?

Okay, okay, okay.

Oh, stop! Slow down!

Shut up! I can hear you up there! Shut up!

Come on, Doc. I'm gettin' whisker-whipped up here.

One more word and I'm gonna pull over

and let you out the car!

I'll let you out your cage

and leave you in the wild with the real animals!

See how much talk you do when a couple of real squirrels

are kickin' you in your ass!

Fine, then I'll just sing.

♪ The answer, my friend is blowin' in the wind ♪

-You know it is. -Turnin' up the radio.

♪ This guinea pig is blowin' in the wind ♪

-I can't hear you. I'm groovin'. -Come on. Let me in the car.

Hey, why they call me guinea pig anyway?

I'm not Italian, and I'm not pork.

(hip-hop on radio)

Grandpa, did Daddy learn how to be bossy from you?

Maya, don't talk to your grandfather that way.

He certainly didn't learn it from his mother.

God rest her soul.

(chuckles) Baby, one day you'll understand...

that sometimes your parents do know what they're doing.

(hip-hop on car stereo)

I made it!

Daddy, what's Rodney doing on the roof?

I thought the fresh air would do him some good, honey.

-Hey, baby. Hey. -Honey, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. (kisses)

-Hey, Daddy. -Lunatic!

Hey, Daddy, we still got those B.B. guns

I used to play with when I was little?

Crazy man!

-B.B. gun? -Psycho!

Son, I think you need a vacation.

Oh, yeah.

-And I'm gonna have one, too. -Yeah.

This is beautiful. Excuse me, honey.

Hey, what's that step called?

JOHN: I think we should get rid of Maya's little rat thing.

He's a guinea pig.

I don't know why you let him get to you.

(gargling)

(gurgling words)

(animals chirping)

I'm not lettin' him get to me at all.

-Not the least bit. -(chuckles) Good.

(cooing, muttering)

-I'll be right back. -Yeah.

Is it all right if I wait in the bed naked?

(chuckles) Yes.

Okay. Time to come out of these drawers then.

OWL: Hello! Yoo-hoo!

Out here! Yeah, yeah.

Oh, there you are.

-Oh, my God. -Hello.

(exhales) That's right.

You're the one who can hear us, aren't you?

No, I'm not hearing anything. I can't hear you.

The whole woods are talking about you, you know?

-(bird warbles) -Listen, can you do me a favor?

Can you just take this stick out of my wing?

It's killin' me. Can you, huh?

Don't worry. I won't hurt you.

(winces) Ah. Much better.

Good job. Thank you.

What's happenin' to me?

You're gonna be pleasantly surprised, that's what.

(screeches)

Oh, my goodness. It's an owl.

Yeah, a big, nasty owl. Let's go in the house.

No, it's beautiful.

-No. They're very dangerous creatures. -Oh, no, they're not.

Yes, they are. They can poke your eye out now.

Oh, come on!

Yes. They can poke your eye out very easily.

Take your finger off, all of that.

-What you doin' messin' with that owl? -Go get into bed.

I'm gonna check on Charisse and Maya,

make sure everything's all right.

-Lock the door. -Are you okay?

-I'm fine, you know. -Are you sure?

Go ahead. Get to bed, please.

-Okay. -Five minutes.

RODNEY: Hey, crazy man!

I know you havin' fun in there.

♪ Do a little dance make a little love ♪

♪ Get down tonight get down tonight ♪

Can I make a request?

Can I get tuna in oil instead of water?

Hey, who put in that bug zapper?

♪ Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir ♪

I'm nasty.

Yo, lookee here. Hey, buddy.

My old lady asks, I been eatin' trash all night. You dig?

(yelps) You're on my tail, you idiot.

Got to lose that bug light. Hey, I know you can hear me.

Hey, Doc, while you're out, get some salmon.

You can't go wrong with salmon.

-Hey, buddy. All night. -You broke Mr. Stinky, I think.

-Keep away from me! -John, what are you doing?

I have to go back to the city, honey.

What? Wait! Wait! John, why?

-John, you just got here. -I know, but I need a doctor.

I mean, I am a doctor. I got beeped,

so I gotta go back to the city. When you get beeped, you gotta go!

I'm very sorry, honey. I'll talk to you later.

I love you so much!

(coughs)

(screeches)

-(line ringing) -Come on.

Pick up the phone. Pick it up! Pick it up!

(over phone) Dr. Litvack.

Hello, Sam, how are you? Hi. It's John Dolittle.

(over phone) John?

Hey, how you doin'? Nice to talk to you.

So, you enjoying your summer?

Geez, it's really late, John. It's one o'clock in the morning.

Is it really one o'clock in the morning?

Wow. I didn't realize it was that late.

I'm sorry. I was just on my way into town.

I was wondering if you want to get together for a drink

or a CAT scan or somethin'.

(over phone) A CAT scan?

Can it wait till morning?

I love you.

No, I have to come right now.

(brakes screech)

(rats chomping)

(car alarm beeps)

-RAT 1: Watch it! -RAT 2: Your face.

RAT 1: Don't start with me!

I'll hit you so hard you'll see ten more of me.

RAT 2: It already smells like ten more of you,

so bring it on, cheese-eater.

I'll tear you to pieces. I'll claw you.

RAT 1: Oh, man, you are tempting fate now, buddy.

RAT 2: Right here, fat boy.

Come on, put it right here. I'll murderlize you.

I'll sucker punch...

RAT 1: Stinking mouse! You little rat!

Hey, come here, you gerbil.

RAT 1: Hey! Ow! Hey, what are you looking at?

-Me? -Yeah, you.

Who else, buddy?

I'm just lookin' at a couple of greasy rats

fightin' over some garbage.

-RAT 1: Greasy? -RAT 2: Come here and say that,

you four-eyed, bubbleheaded, doofus biped!

I'll get bubonic on your ass. Come here. Come as you are.

Oh, really? What if I take that light bulb there...

and put it between your little rat butt-cheeks

and make a little rodent lamp out of you?

How about that, eh? How about that?

Let me tell you somethin'. I'm a human. I'm a human.

Hey. I'm sorry. Sam, how are you?

How are you? Thanks for comin' down, Sam.

-Thanks for coming down. -(both laughing)

There's no abnormalities of any kind.

All right, then...

Why are you hearing animal voices?

Exactly. Why do I think I'm hearing animal voices

if everything is fine? I tell you, Sam...

I don't want to wind up like one of these guys on the street

talking to myself with dirt under my fingernails,

stinking, with my hair all matted.

It's not a cool look.

Have you been under any unusual stress lately?

(sighs)

No, not really. I got the Calnet thing.

My wife's been givin' me a hard time about that,

but that can't be it.

Ah. That's small potatoes.

You know, I did hit a dog the other day.

-Oh, my God! A dog? -Hey, Sam, make me feel worse, huh?

Well, I'm sorry, but a little doggie?

-Dog was fine. It got up and ran off. -He was injured?

He felt well enough to scream out "bonehead" before he left.

John, the dog couldn't have spoken to you.

Well, Sam, with all due respect...

No, John, the dog did not speak to you.

Maybe you're right, huh?

I'm sorry I woke you up for this. Thanks, Sam.

JOHN: Hi, honey.

LISA: Where are you? Are you all right?

-Yeah, honey. I'm okay. -Are you sure? I was worried.

No, really. I just freaked out a little bit.

What's wrong?

Well, I got a lot of stress I've been under.

From what?

You know, the merger and the practice.

It's all just kinda come to a head, and I'm sorry.

Okay, John. Just come back out here, okay?

Yeah, I'm on my... Yeah, I'm on my way out now.

Bonehead!

-Yeah, I'll see you in a few. -(over phone) John?

John?

(phone beeps)

Excuse me. Where are the stray dogs?

Right this way.

(dogs chattering)

DOG 2: Hey, buddy. Buddy. Over here.

Hey, mister. Reckon I won't bite nobody again, mm-hmm?

I am Keyser Soze.

Wait, wait. I have owners.

They've just been out of town for a few-a few... years.

Dead dog walkin'.

Oh, that does not sound good.

Keep your tail up, pal.

When are we gonna get some decent chow in here?

Hey, hey, hey, thanks a lot. Whoa, that was close, huh?

Hey, hey, you got kids? I love kids.

Kids, they're the greatest.

Kids are great. Tell me what the hell is goin' on.

-Hey, you understood me. -You don't say.

I think I'm goin' crazy.

How come I can understand you talkin'?

I don't know. Maybe you're just weird.

Shut up. You're a dog. Dogs can't talk.

What the hell do you think barking is, an involuntary spasm?

I don't know what barking is.

I know you're not barking, and I'm going to be with my family.

-Excuse me. Good luck to you. -That's it?

-(truck departs) -(coughing)

(exclaiming) It must be that truck exhaust or something.

Oh, no! Everything's going black.

Oh! Oh!

That's not good.

(indistinct chattering)

-Thank you. -(pen clatters)

-Oops. -Whoo!

Is that the biggest ass you've ever seen?

WOMAN: Lie down, Chauncey.

Lie down! Lie down, Chauncey!

He's deaf.

I'm not deaf. I just can't stand listening to her.

Don't fix me, okay? Please, don't fix me.

I won't look at another female ever, I swear.

Anything but my manhood, man. Not my manhood, please! I'm...

Yo, baby, what's up?

You lookin' pretty sweet there, sugar. Is it the...

No. Don't, please.

Please, just... No, no, no, don't. Ow!

Please, I'm begging you. (continues, indistinct)

-Dolittle. -Come on.

(monitor beeping, steady beep)

(whimpers)

So, what seems to be the problem?

Well, I tell you, Doctor, I really think it's pulmonary distress.

And he might have some fluid on his lungs, too.

-Oh, let me guess. You're an M.D. -Yes, I am.

I can always tell when a real doctor brings in an animal.

They, uh, always like to do a little amateur diagnosis.

Could you tell him to get away from my butt?

If you don't mind, I did go to veterinary school for five years.

Is it just me or is he, uh,

hovering around my butt a lot?

And unlike an M.D., my patient cannot tell me where it hurts.

Listen, seriously, could you tell him my butt is great?

So, Doctor, if you don't mind...

Hey, where's he think he's gonna put that?

Look, look, I was faking it, okay? I... I feel fine.

Just don't let him stick that thing up my... Hello!

DR. FISH: Let's just have a listen to those lungs, shall we?

I'm gonna swallow the thermometer,

and I don't mean in my mouth.

Uh, Dr. Fish, maybe I should pull that out a little bit.

Don't you touch that.

It's headin' in. It's goin' south for the winter.

-(whimpers) -Now, you see?

I have to interpret what the dog is moaning about.

What's to interpret?

There's a thermometer. It's in my butt.

Take it easy. It'll be over in a minute.

-What? -Yes.

Well, there it goes. Butt just swallowed it.

Uh, Doctor? I'm just guessing,

but I think you might have just lost your thermometer.

Psst. Well, it's gone.

-Uh, all right, I have three, uh... -(farts)

I have three options.

Uh, one, uh, I can manually retrieve it.

What's he sayin'?

Options. He wants to retrieve it manually.

Pass.

Two, give the dog a laxative and, uh, wait it out.

And three, Surgically remove it.

-A laxative or surgery. -Laxative!

You know, why don't you just give him a laxative?

It'd probably come out later on.

-Never works. -So what would you suggest?

I'd like to go in manually.

-Here we go. -Oh, my Lord! Oh!

Oh, this is not good. Oh, Lassie, go home!

(exclaiming)

DOG: Why on earth would a guy go into a line of work like that?

All right. That's it for you.

-Hit the road. Get out of here. -What?

-But I'm-I'm your pet. -You are not my pet.

If I were gonna get a pet,

I wouldn't get one as annoying as you. Get out. Go.

Hey, hey, don't worry about it.

Look, you sprung me from the joint.

You fixed me up. I'm thankful.

-Yeah. Just go. -Don't worry about me.

I'll just be goin' down the road, you know,

disappearing without a trace.

-(cell phone rings) -I hope a car doesn't hit me.

-Oh, well, one less dog. -(beeps)

What's the difference?

-Dolittle. -MAYA: Hi, Daddy.

Hey, baby. How you doin'?

Am I gonna see you before I go to camp?

-Honey, I'm really workin' on it. -(barking)

-(barks) -Get out of here. Go.

-Daddy, is that a dog? -Yeah, that's a dog...

Mommy, guess what. Daddy got me a dog.

-No, no, no, no. Daddy didn't... -Hey.

Is that what you've been up to, you sneak?

-(barking) -Oh, you caught me.

(sneezes) What? I have allergies.

Yeah, I guess, uh, we'll see you at camp.

(barks)

Grandpa, Daddy got me a dog.

-He got me a dog. Can you believe it? -What dog?

My own dog.

(indistinct chattering)

JOHN: Look, they're gonna want to know your name.

DOG: I don't have one.

JOHN: Well, we're gonna have to think of one.

DOG: Well, let me see.

A little girl once called me

"Please, Mommy, not him." How about that?

JOHN: Nah, that's not gonna work. You got red hair.

How about Lucy?

Lucy. Yes, I like that. Lucy. Good name.

Yeah, just one problem.

-I'm a guy. -Really? How about Lucky?

Perfect. Lucky, yes. "Hi, I'm Lucky."

Hey, it works on two levels. I love it.

Daddy!

That's my daughter. Be nice.

Oh, you got me a dog. Oh, he's adorable.

Oh. Oh, you're such a cute dog. (chuckles)

-(laughing) What's his name? -His name is Lucky.

Does he do any tricks?

He does a pretty neat trick with a thermometer that's kinda funny.

-Hey, baby. -Hey, baby.

-LISA: You got her a dog. -Yeah, well, I got us a dog.

-(man on P.A. indistinct) -Are you okay?

Yeah.

Come on. Let's get you all set up here.

Come on, Maya.

Oh, look at this nice rabbit on your door.

Isn't that nice?

-Oh, this is nice. What a fun cabin. -Yeah.

Oh! (sniffs) Oh, you smell the air here?

What a wonderful place. What a wonderful camp.

Daddy, can I go home with you and Lucky?

Hey, Maya. Look, here's the deal.

You stay here for a little while,

have a great time, then Lucky's all yours.

Three weeks is a long time.

-Couldn't I go just home with... -No. No camp, no dog.

Okay, I'll stay.

Listen, you're gonna have a great time here.

When you get older, you're gonna thank me,

'cause you're gonna have so many friends.

You'll see. You'll see. You'll see.

(music playing)

(Lucky groaning)

-What's the matter with you? -Everything's goin' by so fast.

Hey, don't you dare throw up in this car.

What are you lookin' at over there?

The lines on the road.

They're just... They're just whippin' by.

Lines. Line, line, line, line, line, line.

Don't focus on somethin' so close.

Look at something further away. Don't look at the lines.

Okay. Tree, tree, tree, tree, tree.

Tree, tree, tree.

Good sir, (strains) could you just...

(coughs) Who knew?

Okay, and not only could he understand me,

but it turns out he's a doctor.

-Look. Not even a scar. -ALL: Whoa!

And it hurt so bad.

I don't know what I would have done without him.

-Whoo-hoo! -Yup.

JOHN: Oh, what a day.

-Oh. -You have knots all over the place.

-(music playing on stereo) -I'm all messed up.

-I'm fallin' apart. Oh! -Ooh.

-How's that feel? -Oh, Mrs. Dolittle.

(imitating Austin Powers) Yeah, baby!

-Um, excuse me one second, okay? -Okay.

Excuse me just one second.

-Come on. Let's go. -What?

What a gyp.

You mind if I have a little privacy, please?

Oh, yeah, but it's fine when people watch us do it, huh?

-(barks) -Fine to turn on the garden hose.

Hey, uh, you want a tip on a good position?

-You were barking. -Well, I'm excited.

You know when I get excited

I start making all kinds of sounds.

-Uh... (barks) -You never barked before.

-(doorbell chimes) -Oh.

ALL: Hello.

LUCKY: Yoo-hoo, Doc. We got trouble here.

-(all chattering) -Let's go.

Hey! No, no.

You take care of the ducks. I'll take the goat.

-LUCKY: Me? -DUCK: Ouch!

All right. I'll get the ducks.

(whispering) Come here. No, no, no.

(choking)

-Hey. -What's goin' on out there?

Uh, uh, Mark just showed up.

So I'm gonna have to go over the proposal.

We have to go over a few things in the proposal.

-Come on! Let's move it! -Don't do that.

That's... Lucky's out here.

He wants me to take him for a walk first.

I gotta take Lucky for a walk, then I gotta deal with Mark.

Great. I'll see you in the morning.

-I'll be the one cooking breakfast. -Tomorrow. Ruff!

JOHN: Oh, hey, Mark! Hey, how you doin'?

You're trying to destroy my life, all of you, aren't you?

Freeze! Stop right there! Don't you- don't you move from that spot!

What are you doin' in the hallway this time of night?

I have to go to the bathroom.

What are you doin'?

I'm-I'm p-p-patrolling the hallways. I'm the father.

I patrol the halls and make sure everything is safe.

While y'all are asleep, I patrol these halls. You wait. Don't you move.

The only reason you're up goin' to the bathroom...

is 'cause you spend too much time drinking' all those liquids.

Too many liquids. You're havin' too many liquids

and I think that you're old enough to be able to hold it in.

-So go on back to bed. -But, Dad, I have to go.

Lucky's in the bathroom right now.

-The dog is using the bathroom? -(toilet flushes)

Let me go and make sure he put the seat down.

Then it's your turn, okay?

Don't you move. Now, don't you move.

Hey, hey, hey. You heard of knockin'?

-Not one quack. Not one quack. -(ducks chattering)

Hey.

Uh, here's the toilet.

It's all down like y'all like it, ready for you.

No little sprinklets on it or anything.

It's just waitin' for you to come and do your thing.

Dad, I-I don't need adult supervision.

-Somebody get this thing off me. -Hey, come here.

-Get this thing... Whoa. (choking) -Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, take it easy. Don't gag me.

(toilet flushing)

-Night, Dad. -Oh, good night. Night, honey.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, let's go. See what you almost made happen?

Let's go. Let's go.

-Out. Let's move it. -What I almost made happen?

What did I do?

-BOTH: Beep, beep! We're the sheep. -Oh, no.

Not these clones.

Hey, hold it. What are you doin'? Where you goin'?

-Where you goin'? What are you doin'? -Move aside. Top dog.

-Sorry. Am I late? Am I late? -Good evening, Doctor.

No, no. You gonna have to take your fat ass back...

-No, I don't... -Oh, my God! What a zoo.

Hmm. Obviously not a kosher establishment.

Everybody, just come in.

All right. Where are the chicks? Ooh! I'm cool.

(all chattering)

PIGEON: Let's go! Landing! Make way!

(belches) Very well-appointed sty.

(chattering)

What's goin' on? What is all this?

-ANIMAL 1: Hey, there's the guy. -(owl screeching)

I don't know. You know, tell a friend. (giggles)

Looks like they need to talk to a doctor, Doc.

BOTH: Our butts hurt.

Okay, let's do this. Watch your droppings.

Tonight, this is the house of love.

RODNEY: East Coast, West Coast, let's unite! Is Brooklyn in the house?

This should take care of the inflammation.

The only problem is, who you gonna get to wipe it on for you?

Does Brad Pitt need a goat?

JOHN: It's not really something you should be ashamed of.

It happens to most men occasionally.

You're probably under a lot of pressure.

He's not under pressure.

He's not attracted to me because I'm just a pigeon.

-He's a self-hating pigeon. -Oh, that is not true.

Ask him what he does all day. Go ahead, ask him.

-What do you do? -I sit in a tree by myself.

It's because he's too good to eat with the rest of us...

when the old people feed us in the park.

Can I say something?

And the way he stares at a robin's breast,

it's enough to make you sick.

They're orange. I happen to be attracted to orange breasts.

-They're orange. -You're not a robin.

You're not a dove or a hawk. You're a pigeon, I'm a pigeon.

I'm sorry. She sits on that nest all day long...

Sitting on the nest...

-and she just gets a little crazy. -with three eggs...

May I ask you something?

If I turn this way, don't I look a little like a blue jay?

The problem with your equilibrium

might be due to an inner ear infection.

(belches)

Or it may be due to this.

I'm a social drinker. (chuckles) Very social.

Well, stand up. Stand up.

Let me see you touch your nose and raise your left foot.

Nose. Leg. (exclaims)

I don't know. I think you're wasted.

Let's see you walk this line.

Oh, my goodness. (clears throat)

Ooh-la-la! (hiccups)

You have a drinking problem,

and I suggest that you stop drinking,

'cause I think you might be an alcoholic.

Really?

-Nobody likes a drunk monkey. -Sorry.

What you're suffering from

is called obsessive-compulsive behavior.

Throw the ball! Throw the ball! Throw the ball!

Whenever you want the ball,

I want you to think about something else.

Don't say anything more. Just throw the ball.

You need to relax your mind.

This is the way it works. You're the person. You throw the ball.

I'm the dog. I get it. Simple as that.

Okay, all right, listen.

-Ooh, look at you going. -I swear, I'll pee on your carpet.

It's very irritating, this ball thing you have.

Shut up and throw the ball. Am I alone here? Am I all by myself?

-Am I in another universe? -BOTH: Throw the damn ball.

He threw the ball! Oh, he threw the ball!

I'll get it! Hold on! I'll get it! I'll get it!

Oh, I love you! I love you! You threw the ball!

You can't save 'em all, Hasselhoff.

HORSE: Hey, is there a doctor in the house?

(whispering) Right up here, above your head.

Hey, Doc, look.

They're gonna kick me off the force.

I'm as blind as a bat. What do you say?

-Can you help me? -Okay. Just give me a minute.

-All right? -All right!

-Be quiet. -Sorry.

Tell me what you think of these.

Holy road apples! I can see! (chuckles) No desk job for me.

-Thanks a million, Doc. -You are most welcome.

This is gonna be great. I'll make lieutenant.

Nothing can stop me. Nothing...

Oh, look at that, a doughnut shop.

Wow. What a night.

I mean, all those animals. And you know what?

I bet that this is just the tip of the iceberg,

and word gets around what's going on...

Doctor, you must help us, quick.

What happened? What are you talking about?

It is all my fault. I should not have let him out.

Hey, hey, all right, now calm down a second.

The circus tiger, (hiccups) he will jump.

Didn't I tell you you should stop drinking'?

Oh, drinking, I give it up.

That's better. Come on, let's go.

Wait for me. You don't know where it is.

TIGER: And now, on the day I end it all,

I'd like to leave Margaret the bearded lady

my rhinestone collar and my wet-dry shaver.

I'd like to leave Jack the midget nothing.

It's too late for you, Jack. You're a short...

Hey, get out of there! You're right in my landing space!

Man!

See if you land on your feet, roadkill.

Why don't you bloodsucking' vermin take a break, all right?

Mmm! Blood sucking!

-JACOB: Look out below! -Hey, Lucky, come on.

-Come on what? -Come on. We gotta go up there.

Are you crazy? That's a tiger.

-JACOB: I'm jumping now! -Will you come on?

JACOB: Don't try and stop me!

LUCKY: Comin' right up. One order of man, side of dog.

Oh! I need a drink! (hiccups)

Good-bye, cruel world.

Oh, no, I just remembered.

I wanted to leave the whip to the baboon.

(scoffs) One of the few animals

-that enjoy that kind of thing. -Hi.

(gasps)

-Hey, who are you? -I'm Dolittle.

Yeah, well, get out of here.

I'm in a lot of pain, and I'm gonna jump.

Hey, whoa, whoa. Take it easy now.

Listen, I'm a doctor. Maybe I can help you.

I don't need a doctor. I need a miracle.

I'm a train wreck. I have headaches, nausea.

The worst thing is this double vision.

Ah, what's the use?

(chuckles) It's not like anybody cares

about tigers anyway, you know.

(chuckles) Now stop. You're being silly.

Listen, there have been lots and lots of lovable tigers.

Yeah? Name one.

LUCKY: How about Tony?

Tony the cereal tiger?

What? I didn't hear you come up with anything.

Oh! Remember that song "Eye of the Tiger" from Rocky III?

♪ It's the eye of the tiger it's the da da da da ♪

That one from Rocky III.

When Rocky was fightin' Mr. T, he couldn't beat Mr. T.

Then Apollo Creed played "Eye of the Tiger" for him.

He went back and beat the snot out of Mr. T

because of "Eye of the Tiger."

Because of that song. It moved him inside.

Not "Eye of the Moose," not "Eye of the Bull,"

"Eye of the Tiger."

-That's it. I'm jumping. -No, no, don't jump.

RAT 1: Jump! Jump, you big pussy!

RAT 2: Come on, you little scaredy cat!

RAT 1: I'll catch you... not! (laughing)

JOHN: Didn't I say take a break? (growls)

RAT 2: All right, Doc. Then you jump!

-(Rat 1 laughing) -Why do you want to help me?

Because I'm the only one who can.

I don't know. Maybe it's my destiny.

And maybe it's your destiny to be the one tiger

that everybody remembers.

Why else would I be here talkin' to you?

'Cause the drunk monkey can't keep his mouth shut.

(chuckles) Are you gonna let me help you?

What if you can't?

If I can't help you,

then you can eat me and Lucky.

Yeah, or just him.

Really? Will you take me back to the circus?

I will take you back to the circus.

All right.

But don't think I wasn't gonna jump, because I was.

(grunts)

Sure hope you're a better doctor than you are a singer.

LUCKY: Good job, Doc.

Although you gotta admit, you know,

seein' a tiger jump five stories would have been really cool.

JACOB: I heard that.

Hey, Dr. D. Johnny D.

three o'clock, Calnet.

Meeting to go over the agreement. You gonna be there?

You're not gonna believe what I got for us, buddy.

Corporate cars, every two years.

What's going on? Why aren't you paying attention to me?

"Atlas of Feline Anatomy for Veterinarians."

But, John, we treat humans at our practice.

Hey, Mark, sit down a second.

-Just a minute. -Oh. Okay.

Do you remember when we first started out?

We had those little crummy offices

in the worst neighborhood in town.

-We got paid almost no money. -I've blocked it out.

-Have you really? -I guess so, yeah.

Those were the most exciting times to me, you know?

It was like... You couldn't wait to come to work

because you felt like you were making a difference.

You know? And last night,

I had to treat some... some emergencies.

And I was challenged, and it was difficult.

And I kind of...

I got the same kind of rush I had back then.

I felt like I was doin' somethin', you know.

I felt like I was makin' a difference.

And I started thinkin' that maybe here...

I'm not giving my patients the right amount of attention.

John, do me a favor. Don't ever confide in me, okay.

I'm utterly useless in these areas.

I'm a very self-absorbed man.

You want to get Gene in here? Let's get Geno here.

-Hey, Geno? Gene, get in here! -Mark, you know what?

Hey, you did your job

just by pretending you were listening for 30 seconds.

-It was very helpful to me. -Anytime.

Okay.

-Calnet, three o'clock. -Three o'clock sharp.

Calnet.

-(meowing) -(phone rings)

This is Dr. Fish.

Hello. Is this the author of Feline Illnesses and Diseases?

Yes, it is. You've... You've read my book?

Have I read your book?

I sleep with your book next to my bed. It's-It's my bible.

Well, some people consider it the definitive work on cats,

but, uh, bible?

-(yowling) -Uh, I-I... (chuckles)

Well, no, I can... I can see your point.

Dr. Fish, I have a very, very sick,

very, very big cat.

And I'm concerned that it might be something really serious

because his vision's impaired,

and he seems to be in a lot of pain.

DR. FISH: Well, unfortunately,

if it is in the head, there's only two options.

One is surgery and the other is putting it down.

(sighs) I have no idea how I'm gonna do this.

I'm gonna try to take care of you. I promise.

Just hurry back.

Every minute you're gone, I'm one minute closer to death.

I just might hang myself by my underpants!

I can get underpants!

Not really.

-He blew off the Calloway meeting. -I don't care about that.

I just... I need to speak with John.

Listen, you wouldn't believe what's goin' on here.

(chittering)

(goat bleating)

RAT 1: Oh, Doc, Doc!

Help me. You gotta help me! He's dead!

He's laying there dead. You gotta help me!

-(Rat 2 groaning) -He's not dead.

Oh, no, no, don't go, buddy, old pal, friend of mine.

-You gotta help him. -Oh, really? Why's that?

Why? 'Cause, 'cause... 'Cause you're the man. You're the man!

Oh, I'm the man now? I thought I was the guy

the other day you wanted to get bubonic with.

I'm going toward the light now.

I was just kiddin'. You and I were riffin', Doc.

Serious? Come on!

-(mumbling) -Good-bye, world. I smell flowers.

I'm begging you. Don't let him die.

-Don't let my buddy go. -I'm sinking fast.

-John. -Hey, Mark. Hi.

-Where the hell have you been? -What?

Calloway. The meeting.

Oh, I had an emergency. Excuse me. Sorry.

-(door closes) -Oh, excuse you.

Oh, hang in there, brother.

-Does it hurt when I do this? -It ain't no day at the dump.

If he dies, I don't know what I'll do.

-He'll drag me outside and eat me. -Only out of respect.

-(squeaking) -Guys, you want to be quiet.

-I can't hear while you're talkin'. -Sorry, Doc.

John.

-Uh-oh. -Oh, he said he was suffering

from severe abdominal cramps.

-(squeaking) -"He said"?

You know I wouldn't be working on this rat

unless it was an emergency.

-Come take a look for yourself. -(loud groaning)

-What happened, Doc? -I think he's gone into arrest.

-What? -I don't feel a pulse.

Oh, my God, he's a goner, he's a goner!

-He's not breathing. -He's not breathing.

-Johnny! -Hey, Mark,

maybe we should shock him, huh?

-I don't know. -The paddles will be too big.

Come on. We're gonna have to give him C.P.R.

-You know how to do C.P.R? -C.P.R? I can't even spell it.

Okay.

-I can't even look. Doc, no! -Johnny, no! Johnny... Oh!

For Chrissakes.

Oh. You didn't even wine him or dine him, Doc.

-Come on. -Doc, Doc,

no, I think my friend would rather die! He'd rather die!

-ALL: No! -No tongue, Doc.

-Yech! -(spitting)

-Come on. Come on. -Doc, do something.

-I got no pulse. -John...

Lisa, not now. I'm trying to save somebody here.

-Honey... -Hey! Lisa, please!

(farting)

I'm hungry.

-It's a false alarm. -A false alarm!

It's nothing wrong with him. He just has gas.

(farting) Whoa, you're telling me!

He just had gas.

(chuckles) You're back. He's got gas.

I don't care if you stink. I love you, pal.

Thanks a lot, little buddy. I felt your presence.

Lisa, stop lookin' at me like that.

(exhales) John Dolittle.

Who'd have ever thought you would end up

in a mental institution?

Number one in our medical school class. Whew.

Not that I'm jealous, John. Someone had to finish first.

-(meows) -Someone had to finish last, too.

So, John, you talk to animals now, do you?

Would you like to tell me about it?

Or would you rather tell my friend here, Bettleheim?

I don't need to talk to your cat, Blain.

Why? Do you think that he would talk back to you?

-You know, he just might. -And what would he say?

-I'd say you were a butthead. -(chuckles)

(clears throat)

I really like this cat.

LISA: He's recommending you stay here a minimum of ten days.

You really think I need to be here for that long?

You said that you can talk to animals.

You know, I can really hear 'em.

Hey. I can.

You gotta believe me.

I can't.

(all chattering)

WOMAN: Here you go. Your medicine.

Okay, then.

I can get you anything you need, you know, inside.

I can get saucers or coasters...

Go away.

Even chips, nuts. I can get you anything you need.

Hey, listen, if you have any extra medication, I could really use it.

You're not following me, are you? Whoa!

Now, what is all this?

This is to prove to me and the rest of the world...

that you can actually talk to animals.

Now, the orangutan is attached to this brain-wave monitor.

Normally, he responds to visual stimulation,

but since you have got the gift of gab,

you won't need pictures to make him respond, will you?

Get acquainted, John.

Okay, listen. I need your help.

I need you to make that needle over there move,

'cause if you don't, they're gonna make me stay here forever, okay?

So just make the little needle jump.

Come on. I know you can hear me now, so don't play.

This is very serious right now.

I guess he's just not a big talker, John.

Look, give me a break. Say something, please.

(switch clicks)

Please escort Dr. Dolittle back to his room.

ORANGUTAN: Adios, y muchas gracias por nada.

-Wait a minute. You speak Spanish? -Yo hablo, tu hablas...

That's why he couldn't understand. You think you're slick.

You got a monkey from south of the border.

-Remove him. Go. -Turn that machine back on.

-Me llamo ese... I got him. -I said, "Let's go."

Spanish, my God.

-Me gus... -Tu conoces Will Smith?

MARK: I'm worried, John.

Who you tryin' to fool? Man, you're not worryin' about me.

(chuckles) You're worryin' about Calnet.

That's what you're worryin' about.

John, I admit it.

I want the money. I'm not ashamed of that.

Look, here's what I want you to do for me.

I want you to just stop barking and chirping for one day.

'Cause if you do that, I'm pretty sure you can get out of here.

And that'd be a really good idea,

because Calloway called me,

and he said that if you're not back by Friday

for the press conference, the deal's off.

If you would do that for me, Johnny,

I'll buy you a rat farm.

And you can burp and fart those little rats

till you pass out.

But let's just get it signed. Okay, my shot, my shot.

(phone ringing)

Pick it up. Pick the phone up, please.

(Lisa on answering machine) Hi. We're not here. Leave a message.

-(answering machine beeps) -Hey. Hi, it's me.

I'm really startin' to miss you guys.

I'm startin' to wonder what I'm doin' here, too.

Maybe you were right.

Maybe this whole thing was just my imagination.

-Hey, honey, feelin' better? -Who's this?

I'll give you a hint. I'm cute, I'm furry...

and I make 500 babies a year.

Rodney! Get back in your cage.

Hey, Doc, what's up with that trap behind the fridge?

-You tryin' to kill me? -Hey, never mind that.

You get your little furry ass back in your cage, Rodney!

Right now! I don't want your droppings on...

Bye-bye.

My son Rodney. Little hairy boy, sleeps in the cage.

I have to keep him in the cage 'cause he has a hygiene problem.

JACOB: He's not coming back.

I can't believe I fell for it.

-Oh, boy, I'm getting dizzy. -Man, you don't look so good.

Yeah? Look who's talking. What do the three of you know?

-Uh-oh. -I'm in bad shape.

Ow, my head.

What kind of a name is Ed for a horse?

What kind of a name is Wilbur for a man?

MAN: Peanut butter. That's how they got the horse to move his lips.

They gave him peanut butter in the back of the mouth

-like this. -I disagree, sir.

Side to side. Look, look, look. See his jaw?

-See? See? Did you see? -The esophagus, yes.

-He's not talking. That's an act. -No, no, no, no, no, no.

What?

Uh, finish what you were talking about.

Oh. Oh.

-MAN 1: Okay. No, he's... -MAN 2: Full teeth. Full teeth.

Psst! Doc! Out here.

Doc! Hey, over here.

(TV, indistinct)

-What are you doin' here? -You're unbelievable.

I crossed three freeways, at night no less,

to come to rescue you,

and all I get is "What are you doing here?"

This isn't a prison. It's a clinic.

Look, the tiger's in bad shape.

The tiger?

Hey, listen. Forget the tiger. You know, let me tell you somethin'.

I had a perfect life

until you came along and started talkin' to me.

Now I'm sittin' here in a robe and slippers

discussin' Mister Ed with these guys.

You've ruined my life enough.

I don't want to talk to you anymore. Go away.

Just get out of here, please. Go. This is crazy.

Oh, I get it. Now it's crazy to want to save a tiger's life.

Listen, tigers die every day. It's called nature.

Let me tell you a little about nature.

I'm a dog, and I act like a dog.

I don't try to be anybody else. We are who we are.

And you are a doctor who can talk to animals.

That's who you are.

-That is not who I am. -Stop lying to yourself.

Didn't I tell you to get out of here? Get out of here! Go!

-Get out of here! Get out of here! -Fine.

Stop comin' around here and talkin' to me!

With pleasure.

You better not come back! (shouts)

-Bonehead. -That's all of y'all!

Leave me alone! Stop talkin' to me!

Ruined his life. That's a laugh.

-(shouting) -(wings fluttering)

(shouts)

Okay, Blain, look. I wanna go home.

Oh, so soon? And miss the field trip to the zoo?

Listen. I know you've always hated me since medical school.

But, listen, we are both adults now.

Let's put that all behind us.

We both have families.

I want to get back to my family. How do I do that?

Well, it's very simple. Stop talking to animals, John.

-Simple. -All right, listen.

You're right. I made a mistake.

Maybe it was a case of temporary insanity.

Maybe I was working too hard.

But whatever it was,

it's over, and I don't talk to animals anymore.

I'm not convinced.

But we'll talk again in a month or so, okay? (clears throat)

Tell you what, Blain. You sign my release form,

and I won't tell our fellow doctor friends...

about that little pink tutu you keep in your closet.

-With the thong back. -Oh. (chuckles)

-(chuckling) -(chuckles)

-Daddy's home. -Daddy?

-Hey, beautiful, how are you? -Hey, Daddy.

-Oh, I'm fine. -John.

-Hey, baby. -Wh-What?

(mock grunt)

-Why didn't you call me? -I wanted to surprise you.

Hey, why aren't you in camp, young lady?

Mom brought her home.

I didn't fit in.

Uh, you're just gonna have to try a little harder next year.

Come here. Give me a hug. I missed you.

-Still Daddy's baby, huh? -Honey?

-Hmm? -Do they know that you left?

No, I escaped.

Of course they know I left. They released me.

They told me I was better.

Time to come home and spend some time with my family.

(clears throat) Are you not talkin' to me?

-You're sure you're okay? -Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

'Cause I got scared, you know,

wonderin' when you were comin' home.

Well, I am back and I'm fine,

and everything's gonna be just like it was in the old days.

(chuckling)

Okay, I know what you're doin'. Well, two can play that game.

I don't have to listen to you either.

You know, um, honey, I was thinkin'

maybe we should get rid of that dog.

I ain't listenin' to him. Comin' home empty-handed!

Don't tell me there wasn't a gift shop at the loony bin.

Diane, please call down to Radiology

and get me the X-rays on Mr. Galvin.

Also, check with Mrs. Rivers

and see if she can switch her appointment to 3:15.

I may need to call in Gene for a consultation.

Yes, Doctor.

Gene, can you check your schedule

and see if you have time for a 3:15 consult?

Sure.

Good. And, Mark,

did you get back any of the tests on Mr. Freeman yet?

I think they're comin' in this afternoon, Johnny.

-Good. Keep me informed, okay? -(pigeon cooing)

PIGEON: Hey, Doc, do you think I should get my beak done?

-Shh! -Hey!

Call somebody from maintenance and tell them we need

to put up some permanent screens, or set some traps.

This is a doctor's office, not a zoo.

He's back. We're gonna be rich.

-(thunder rumbling) -MAYA: This is where he lives,

and this is where he exercises.

-(squeaking) -(chuckles)

-Does he do aerobics? -Yeah, the guinea-pig aerobics.

(chuckles)

Let's get this show on the road. I can't be...

Hey, hey, hey, put that thing away.

We don't have time. You're gonna get your dress dirty.

Pop, will you help out, please? I can't be late for this thing.

-But Rodney wants to come. -Absolutely not. Rodney cannot come.

This is a press conference for people.

No animals allowed. No Rodney. No way.

Why don't you tell him he can't come then?

He'll listen to you.

No, I'm not going to tell him he can't come.

Help out.

Come on, Pop.

-Can I tell you a secret? -Yes.

When Mommy called and told me what happened to Daddy,

I wasn't afraid. I was happy.

Because I believed that he can talk to animals.

'Cause I wanted Dad to be weird... like me.

-Is that wrong? -No. No, it's not wrong.

It's just, sometimes I don't think he likes me very much.

ARCHER: Honey, he loves you.

I know he loves me,

but I don't think he likes me.

And I really want him to.

I'm gonna try to do things his way, Grandpa,

and stop doing these stupid experiments.

(squeaking)

No, Maya.

Don't stop your experiments.

Sometimes daddies are the ones who need to change.

(thunder rumbling)

-Let me park this car. -All right. Come on, girls. Let's go.

Maya. Let me talk to you a second.

-We'll be in there in a second. -Okay.

Hey, listen.

I don't think your egg is a stupid idea.

I think it's kinda cool.

-You do? -Yes, I do.

You have curiosity and you got a lot of good ideas,

and that's what makes you special.

You mean weird.

No, I didn't say weird. I said special.

And, you know, being weird's not such a bad thing.

A lot of the greatest people in history were considered

weird when they came on the scene, you know.

-Like who? -Lots of people. Albert Einstein.

When he showed up with his crazy hair,

people thought he was weird.

You know? A guy that smart... that was weird to people.

Muhammad Ali, when he showed up on the scene,

sayin' what round he was gonna knock out people in...

and screamin', "I'm the greatest,"

people thought that was strange.

You know, kinda weird. Super-weird.

-And Joan of Arc... she heard voices. -Like you, Dad?

Yeah, like me.

Listen, this is what I'm tryin' to tell you.

No matter what happens, you be who you are,

and you love who you are,

'cause I love you.

Give me a kiss.

-Yes. -You know, Dad,

you're a great person.

-Oh, thank you. -And a weird one, too.

-(chuckles) See you inside. -Okay.

(door closes)

(sighs)

(sniffles) That was beautiful, man.

Hey, Lucky. What are you doin' here?

Do you have a tissue?

Yes, I do. Right in the back, in that pocket over there.

Hey, listen.

I'm sorry I ignored you back at the house.

(nose blowing)

You were the one who said, "Be who you are."

-And you were right. -(nose blowing continues)

You put me back in touch with a part of me

that I'd forgotten years ago, Lucky.

-(nose blowing continues) -Can you take it easy for a second?

-I'm tryin' to say somethin'. -Well, then just say it.

I'm trying to say it. What do you think I'm tryin' to say?

"I love you, Lucky."

Oh, no, no. That's not what I'm tryin' to say to you.

Oh, (chuckles) yes, it is.

That is not what I'm tryin' to tell you.

Aw, come on. Deep down inside,

that's exactly what you want to say.

Come on now. You'll feel a lot better.

Come on. (chuckles)

Let it out. Go ahead. You know it. I know it.

-I love you. -You love me?

Oh. I'm gonna need another tissue.

-Where are we off to? -We are off to ruin my life.

(snoring)

-JOHN: Psst! Wake up! -(gasps) Oh.

Oh. Hey, Doc. You came back.

You need help. I wanna take you to get some tests.

-Tests? That's good, right? Tests? -Yeah. Come on.

Oh, I hate these stairs.

Take good care of him, Doc.

-He's our star. -He'll be okay.

-Oh, great. More steps. -Come on. Get in.

Wait a minute. The dog gets to ride up front?

Hey, could you stop looking at me like I'm a side dish?

JACOB: Oh, don't flatter yourself.

-Now, you two guys, shut up. Quiet. -Hey, look. Jerry!

-Will you keep your voice down? -He's a big fan.

Hey, Jerry! How you doin', dude?

Just goin' for some tests.

Hey! Hey!

LUCKY: I'm fine! The tiger's fine! I'm not sick!

I told you they'd get away.

-No thanks to you. -No thanks to me?

Three armed guards versus a pigeon? That's a fair fight?

He's not at home

and he's not answering his pager.

I'm starting to get worried.

-Mom. -Yes?

Guess who Maya brought to the party.

-Rodney! -Oh!

-Rodney, there you are. Rodney. -(squeaking)

-Oh, man. -Where the hell is Dolittle?

You know, I just talked to him.

He stopped at an orphanage to take care of a sick child.

You know, that is so John.

It's so typical of the man. He just... He just cares.

Weller, take your lips off my butt long enough

to hear what I'm going to say.

-(snorts) -If Dolittle's not here in 10 minutes,

I'm pulling the plug.

You're really not gonna have to do that.

He's at the orphanage, sir.

-He's gonna be here in five minutes. -I hope so.

Yeah, he really will be.

He's gonna be here in five... Piss!

-WOMAN: Oh! -Hey.

-How you doin'? -Where's the kitchen at?

I gotta get in here.

Where's the food?

-MAYA: Rodney? -Uh-oh! She's comin' to get me!

Rodney?

Rodney?

-Rodney? -(manly voice) Who's Rodney?

Sorry.

Rodney?

-Rodney? -This ain't no kitchen.

Smell bad. Must be cookin' chitlins.

Now, what's this for? (groans)

(muffled shouting)

Somebody help me!

(grunts) What the...

(gurgling)

I can't swim!

Ah. (screams)

Ah, yourself!

(gurgling)

(grunts) Where you goin'?

Get me outta here! Hey!

Somebody get the license plate number.

I have just been violated. Whoa!

-This is where you work? -Come on.

(grunts)

RAT 1: Don't throw that away. That's the marrow.

It's the best part of the bone.

Hey. Oh, oh, look who's here.

Well, if it isn't Siegfried and Roy!

Keep it quiet.

Lucky, you keep an eye out. You rats help him.

Hey, we don't work for you.

Hey, give me a break. I saved your life.

That's yesterday's news. Take a hike.

-(laughing) -You want gratitude, get a hamster.

(laughing) "Get a hamster." You kill me! A hamster!

I gotta get help.

Yeah, I got a plate I.D. on the catnapper.

Do something.

The heart of a hawk. The heart of a hawk.

The heart of a hawk.

-A chicken hawk. -The heart of a hawk.

-(yelling) -(engine starts)

(groans)

(air blowing)

♪ I feel good ♪

(scatting)

♪ I knew that I would ♪

That feels good. (grunts)

I enjoy my personal relationships with my patients.

-You'll get over that. -Well, maybe I just... I just...

-I'm joking. -Maybe I just might not.

Try to get with the program. What's goin' on?

MARK: Listen, this is the kind of guy

who would rather be trudging through the snow

with his little black bag...

BOTH: Makin' house calls.

-Exactly. -(laughing)

It's kind of adorable really.

-Ow! -(crowd gasps)

-That hurt me. -Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry.

-Oh! I may have broken my nose. -I think I broke his nose.

-Did it break? Is it broken? -Let me check.

-(crunches) -Ow!

Oh, my God! I broke his nose.

Let me take him to X-ray.

-Okay. -I'm blackin' out! I'm blackin' out!

(voice breaking) Hey...

this feels good! (voice vibrating)

Ow. Geno, this really hurts. I really think...

Yeah, it hurts. Of course it hurts.

You walked right into a door.

Oh, God, I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding.

-Do we have any morphine in the vault? -Hey, guys.

-Oh, John. -What happened to you?

-I walked into a door. -I-I crushed his septum.

Oh, really? Look, guys, this is, uh, not really a good time.

I'm kinda here with somebody.

-Oh, my God, John. -What?

I-I-I do not approve. Lisa is a wonderful woman!

-(snarling) -Jesus.

-It's okay, guys. -It's a friggin' tiger, man!

-He's not gonna hurt you. -(Jacob roaring)

Be afraid! Be very afraid!

Oh, my goodness. I have to sit.

Look, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna go tell Johnny that we're gonna fix

his little tiger up after he signs.

Okay? Then we have him committed. We're having him committed.

He's going to Happy Acres. It's perfect!

That way, we get our money.

-(thuds) -(groaning)

JOHN: It looks like it's shifted slightly to the left.

That means there's something applying pressure to it, Gene.

But John, you can't operate on a tiger.

Especially when you don't know what his symptoms are.

Double vision and chronic headaches. He told me so.

John, you're gonna wind up back at Hammersmith's.

I think I've been I've been very supportive of you,

but if you expect me to believe that a tiger

told you what his symptoms are,

I just think I might have to draw the line.

(growling)

You have to do something. Quick.

We gotta get him into O.R. fast.

It's the only chance he's got, Gene.

What about the press conference?

Twenty bucks says this guy never shows.

JOHN: Watch your back, everybody! Trying to get to the operating room!

Clear the way, please!

Out of the way, please! Out of the way!

Clear a spot, please! We have an emergency here!

Ladies and gentlemen, please clear the way, please. Comin' through.

-Comin' through. -There you are. Let's do this.

Uh, Mr. Calloway, Mark broke his nose.

The nose can wait. The press is waiting.

-Come on, partner. We're announcing. -(Gene stammering)

I really don't know

-if we should leave Mark... -Come on.

-Come on. Hurry up. -with his nose in this condition.

-Where were you? -I'll explain.

Thank you all for coming,

and thank you all for being so patient.

CALLOWAY: As you all know, the practice of medicine

and the business of medicine...

have been undergoing very big changes in this country.

We at Calnet strive to be at the forefont of these changes.

That is why I'm proud to announce the acquisition of...

(snarling softly)

This is the life! Hot wings, nuts.

I love nuts.

Oh, my. Live prey.

(sniffing) Uh-oh.

-(roars) -(crowd screaming)

RODNEY: That's a big cat!

It's all right. It's okay. It's all right.

It's okay. He's not gonna hurt anybody.

Just a very, very sick tiger.

You better have some kind of rational explanation for all of this.

You know, Mr. Calloway,

I don't have a rational explanation for this.

I wish I did, but I don't.

Right now I got a really sick tiger on my hand.

I'm gonna go back here and try to save it.

That's the only thing that matters.

-Dolittle, you go through with this... -(roaring)

-(screaming) -(growling)

So if you'll excuse me.

RODNEY: Stupid cat. Ruined a good party.

JOHN: Shut up.

What do you mean, "shut up"? Hey, I was gonna do karaoke!

-(sirens wailing) -(goats bleating)

What the hell is this?

-No more bacon! No more chops! -Attica! Attica!

One, two, three, four! You ain't gettin' through this door!

(chattering)

Make love, not war!

-Fur is murder! Free Willy! -Attica!

Pigs go home! Pigs go home! Pigs go home!

-Huh? -No, no. Not... Not you. The police.

Wow, this is great. Are you okay?

Well, the man's comin' down hard,

-but we're holdin' strong. -Oh, I got such a chill.

-Really? -Really.

I'm gonna give you a local. It's not gonna hurt.

-Feel like a little bee sting. -(groans)

A little pressure. That's about it.

Okay? Here I come.

-(groans) -There you go.

He can't do this.

He still thinks he can talk to animals.

He can, Lisa. He can talk to animals.

It all started when he was a kid.

I didn't know what to do.

What are you saying, Dad?

I thought it was a handicap, but it's a gift, Lisa.

Don't you believe it?

Look, look, look. See for yourself.

JOHN: I need you to stay alert and tell me

if you feel any numbness in your paws or down your right side.

Have you ever done this operation before?

Yeah, once in medical school. But it was to a cadaver.

But my professor told me I did such a good job

that had my patient not been dead, he would have lived.

Very comforting, Doc.

(indistinct chattering)

It's like Noah's Ark out here. It truly is a remarkable sight.

This odd collection of animals has actually

prevented San Francisco's finest from entering the building,

which is apparently where the stolen tiger is being held.

JOHN: Okay, we're open. Gene, irrigate, please.

All right, Jake, I need you to be alert.

Tell me if you feel anything, anything at all.

-Can you feel anything now? -No.

Just the same old pain.

How about now? You feeling any numbness at all?

I-I can't. I don't know.

Just relax and listen to the sound of my voice, okay?

I'm scared.

Don't be scared. I'm not gonna let you go.

LISA: John?

-What did he say? -He said he's a little scared.

(groans)

(groans)

Mmm.

-(alarm beeping) -Pulse is dropping fast.

His dura is bulging too. There's too much pressure.

Uh-oh. My left side went numb.

-GENE: Pulse still dropping. -Okay. All right.

Hey, you just hang in there, okay, Jacob?

Hang in there for me.

-Okay, Doc. -It's a blood clot.

It has to be. All I gotta do is find it.

We're too close to his motor strip.

A little more suction, Gene. I gotta be able to see.

`We're losin' him. We gotta relieve pressure.

Come on, Jake.

Don't let go yet. We're almost there. All right?

-We're almost there. -I can feel it. There.

-There? -JACOB: That's it.

Okay. Okay, here we go.

(alarm stops)

It's gone. The pain is gone.

-GENE: Blood pressure stabilizing. -(chuckles)

It's gone. It's really gone!

-He's okay. -(all chattering, indistinct)

Yeah, Doc!

Thank you.

You are very welcome. You just lay back and relax.

We're gonna have you back in the center ring in no time.

Hey, Doc, why you go and do that?

Now, if he tries to eat me again,

I'm gonna smack that mustache off your face.

He's a lunatic.

He has a history of mental illness.

He's frankly...

He's the most remarkable surgeon I've ever seen.

He's here to stay. He is the straw that stirs the drink.

I want exclusive rights to him.

Dynamic, caring. I can't imagine... What's the matter?

Dolittle. Wonderful work, Doctor.

Bravo. Bravo, Johnny. I'm so inspired.

Welcome aboard.

I feel like I've bought myself a winning franchise.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you haven't bought anything. We're not for sale.

Look. We don't need these namby-pamby wacko freaks.

It's you and me... straight to the top.

You want pigeon? I'll show you pigeon.

-(laughing) -(groans)

-Are you happy now? -I'm right behind you.

-(grunts) -(chuckles)

-(cooing) -♪ If we could ♪

♪ Talk to the animals... ♪

-(cracking) -RODNEY: Hey! Somebody come here.

I think we got birth here.

Hey, hey! Somebody! I see some shakin' in that egg.

I see shakin' in the egg.

Hey, hey, how's it goin', McGruff?

Uh-oh. (barks)

You know what? A tic tac wouldn't kill you.

Hey, girl, get up! We got birth comin'.

Oh, great. A swan egg. This is gonna be great.

Come on, girl.

I have just one question. What is a swan?

My egg! That's my egg hatching.

-LUCKY: Okay, just breathe. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here it come. Here come the magic moment.

Oh, no! It's like Jurassic Park! It's gonna kill us!

My swan is hatching. It's hatching. It...

Good lord, Doc. What on earth is that?

Oh, that would be Maya's brand-new baby alligator.

Cool. (chuckles)

-Mama? -Mama? I'm not your mama!

-Mama? -(chuckles) Oh, no, don't look at me.

Although there was that one time I got drunk in the Everglades.

-(giggles) -(squeaking)

Hey, Doc, wait up.

So, you're gonna treat both humans and animals. I love it.

JOHN: Yeah, well, it's no big thing.

We're all basically the same, you know.

LUCKY: My thoughts exactly.

Okay, first I want to move my bowl

up on the dining-room table.

Second, no more dog food. That stuff's just gross.

I want my own room with a TV.

Basic cable will be fine.

I hate stories with happy endings.

Yoo-hoo.

-What did you say? -I didn't say nothin'.

-Then who... -(squawks)

RAT 2 (screams): Run for your lives! Oh, my God!

-RAT 1: Let's go, buddy! -RAT 2: I don't wanna die!

I don't wanna die.

RAT 1: Hang a left! No, hang a right! Look out!

RAT 2: Legs, do your thing! Get out of my way!

This circle of life really stinks!

♪ Grunt and squeak ♪

♪ And squawk with the animals ♪

♪ And they could talk ♪

♪ To us ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

(hip-hop music playing)

♪ Ain't nothin' but a party, y'all ♪

♪ Ain't nothin' but a party, y'all ♪

♪ Ain't nothin' but a party, y'all ♪

♪ Ain't nothin' but a party, y'all ♪

♪ Well, a dang diggy won't you get jiggy ♪

♪ With the mad scientist Mr. Dolittle ♪

♪ If this here's the party we're the V.I.P. ♪

♪ To the left, right or any side of me ♪

♪ Just do it till you're satisfied ain't no difference ♪

♪ G-style party crowd is all upliftin' ♪

-♪ Fingers poppin' people lockin' ♪ -♪ Woo-hah ♪

♪ You know Sugarhill ain't stoppin' ♪

♪ So, children, keep screamin' and dreamin' ♪

♪ How you think we got the spotlight beamin' ♪

♪ On stage while I rock rhymes all around the nation ♪

♪ Prime time but you got to find ♪

♪ Solutions to work around the Constitution ♪

♪ And get up off that thing and keep movin', uh ♪

♪ Get caught up in the 9:00 to 5:00 ♪

♪ But for now party over here ♪

♪ As I look into the crowd tell me what I see ♪

-♪ Ain't nothin' but a party ♪ -♪ What ♪

-♪ Ain't nothin' but a party ♪ -♪ Till the break of dawn ♪

♪ As I look into the crowd tell me what I see ♪

♪ Everybody on the dance floor about to party ♪

-♪ To the early what ♪ -♪ The early break of dawn ♪

♪ Like a hot big bag of buttered popcorn ♪

♪ As I look into the crowd tell me what I see ♪

-♪ Ain't nothin' but a party ♪ -♪ What ♪

-♪ Ain't nothin' but a party ♪ -♪ Till the break of dawn ♪

♪ As I look into the crowd tell me what I see ♪

♪ Everybody on the dance floor about to party ♪

-♪ To the early what ♪ -♪ The early break of dawn ♪

-♪ Woot, woot ♪ -♪ Hmm, na, na, na ♪

-♪ Woot, woot ♪ -♪ Get up, uh ♪

-♪ Woot, woot, woot, woot ♪ -♪ Ooh, na, na, na, ah, ah ♪

♪ Dance, everybody down with us just dance ♪

♪ You wanna feel the groove then clap your hands ♪

♪ They ask who's blessed tonight ♪

♪ I am, God's been good to me ♪

♪ Never to be too late and continuously he's great ♪

♪ He's on time even if I have to sit and wait ♪

♪ Sitting in the corner reminiscing 'bout ♪

♪ The course my life has taken ♪

♪ All my ups and all my downs with your mercy and grace ♪

♪ Has brought me to this place ♪

-♪ When I think of what he's done ♪ -♪ Of what he's done ♪

-♪ I can dance, dance, dance all day ♪ -♪ All day ♪

-♪ All night, all night ♪ -♪ All night ♪

♪ Come on, stand clap your hands dance, dance ♪

♪ Think of what he's done ♪

♪ I can dance, dance, dance all day, all day ♪

-♪ All night, all night ♪ -♪ All day, all night ♪

♪ Come on, stand, clap your hands ♪

-♪ When I think of what he's done ♪ -♪ I can dance ♪

♪ I can dance, dance, dance all day, all day ♪

-♪ All night, all night ♪ -(woman vocalizing)

♪ Come on, stand clap your hands ♪

-♪ When I think ♪ -♪ When I think ♪

-♪ Of what he's done ♪ -♪ What he's done ♪

♪ I can dance, dance, dance all day, all day ♪

♪ All night, all night ♪

♪ Come on, stand, clap your hands ♪

♪ Dance, dance ♪

(pop music playing)

♪ If I told you why, why, why ♪

♪ I'd probably lie, lie, lie ♪

♪ Can't stand to see you cry, cry, cry ♪

♪ All I know is I'll be hurting you if I told you the truth ♪

♪ That's why I lie, lie, lie ♪

♪ You got me thinking my, my, my and it's killing me inside ♪

♪ Oh, I, I don't want you sayin' bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Don't understand can't explain what it is ♪

♪ That's causing me to ♪

♪ Feel the need to explore anymore when I have you ♪

♪ But when I do, there's no truth baby, all I do is lie ♪

♪ The only truth is that I lie 'cause I need you in my life ♪

♪ You got me breakin' down now ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ If I told you why, babe ♪

♪ I'd probably lie, lie, lie ♪

♪ Can't stand to see you cry, cry, cry ♪

♪ All I know is I'll be hurting you ♪

-♪ If I told you the truth ♪ -♪ Don't wanna be hurting you ♪

-♪ That's why I lie, lie, lie ♪ -♪ Lie, lie, lie ♪

-♪ You got me thinking my, my, my ♪ -♪ My, my, my ♪

♪ And it's killing me inside ♪

♪ Oh, I don't want you sayin' bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Don't want you sayin' bye ♪

♪ If I told you why, why, why ♪

♪ I'd probably lie, lie, lie ♪

♪ Can't stand to see you cry, cry, cry ♪

♪ All I know is I'll be hurting you if I told you the truth ♪

♪ That's why I lie, lie, lie ♪

♪ You got me thinking my, my, my ♪

♪ And it's killing me inside, oh, I ♪

♪ I don't want you sayin' bye, bye, bye ♪

(mellow pop music playing)

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ See the birds as they fly away ♪

♪ Making things for another day ♪

♪ And the hearts of the lonely ones ♪

♪ Found in you they can trust ♪

♪ Oh, I don't mind ♪

♪ Having your attention ♪

♪ And hope in time ♪

♪ That the whole world will listen ♪

-♪ The little things you do ♪ -♪ Do little things, 'cause I ♪

-♪ 'Cause I ♪ -♪ Know what it means to you ♪

-♪ I know what it means to you ♪ -♪ I know what it means ♪

-♪ Do little things today ♪ -♪ I know, I know ♪

-♪ Do little things to do ♪ -♪ I know what it means ♪

-♪ Do little things 'cause I ♪ -♪ I know what it means ♪

♪ Know what it means to you ♪

(man vocalizing)

-♪ Do little things today ♪ -♪ I know what it means ♪

-♪ I said I know what it means ♪ -♪ Do little things to do ♪

♪ That's why I do the things I do, do, do ♪

♪ The things I do, do, do ♪

♪ I do, do, do ♪

♪ The things I do, do, do ♪

♪ The things I do, do, do ♪

♪ That's why I do what I do ♪