Original subtitles

This was a mistake!

Shut up! Pardon?

HORN BLARES

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Ooh!

You're mad.

Wow!

Ha-ha-ha!

HORN TOOTS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, everybody!

I'm Greg Davies. Welcome to Taskmaster.

So far, the competition has seen the steely determination

of British Blitz spirit,

and whilst I must be respectful

and not do too many wartime analogies

when discussing a light entertainment show,

there are some similarities.

We've seen resilience, determination,

steadfast strength in the face of adversity

and, crucially, a brash American sweep in

and try and take all the glory.

Let's hope he leaves without getting loads

of our women pregnant after buying them nylons.

LAUGHTER

Let's get on and begin the next round of the competition

and meet our mighty five once more.

They are Fatiha El-Ghorri! CHEERING

Jason Mantzoukas...

..Mathew Baynton...

..Rosie Ramsey...

..and Stevie Martin!

And next to me, a man who told me that when you're a busy father,

work-life balance can be tricky,

but he's developed a technique on the nights that

he's in charge of the kids. And I quote him,

"I stick them in front of an iPad and I spark up a fat one."

Little Alex Horne! APPLAUSE

Hello. Thank you.

Lot of viewers' questions asking

what's different about me this series.

They've all spotted something, and it is true -

the shoes have had an update, so I thought I'd

talk you through the latest, erm, assistant's shoe.

Of course, it does now have, er, an indicator for...

You know, if you're walking down the corridor, which way...?

I'm going right, so the right foot will go on.

It does have pockets. Yes, it does have pockets. Well noticed.

So, if you want to keep your raisins somewhere.

And if that's not enough, the shoes are now fully edible.

Thank you. So that should answer some of the questions.

I'm putting them back on now. Yeah. That's my bit done.

Good. Yeah. Yeah. I'm also... That it, is it?

Well, except I'm now covered in edible shoe, so... Yeah.

OK, prize task. Yes, it's time.

So get ready, close your eyes... DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

..hold on to your seats,

this is the one we've been waiting for.

It's going to change lives.

It might change the planet.

It is...

..the biggest anti-climax. MUSIC STOPS

Greg will give big points for the thing which conversely

has disappointed the most.

It's just such a quirky show. The end. Your turn.

Genuinely quite funny. OK...

..Fatiha. Yes. What are you saying?

So, the thing I brought in is a bag of crisps.

You know the family pack, the big one?

And the reason why you buy them is because you want lots,

you want extra crisps. If I wanted one bag of crisp,

like the little one, I would've brought that, innit?

This is the bag she's brought from the outside.

This was the inside. ALL GASP

I hadn't even eaten it yet.

Do you know what I did? I called Trading Standards.

And I said, "The shop's got kids working in the basement."

That's what I said. Yeah.

Sorry, Fatiha. So you didn't ring up Trading Standards

and say, "I'm disappointed by the amount of crisps."

No. You said, "The shop's got children working in the basement."

It's a perfectly good start.

I think that sounds like, "Five points - Fatiha."

Ooh, no.

Unless these four have really messed up.

LAUGHTER

Rosie. Er, to me the biggest anti-climax is

your wedding day.

Here's Rosie's. This is what the winner gets.

My wedding day. LAUGHTER

STEVIE: Chris's face!

Erm... He looks like he's died and you've stuffed him.

Yeah, it's horrible.

You look forward to your wedding day so much,

it costs an absolute fortune,

and I remember sitting there and just looking at everyone

not finishing their dinner and thinking,

"I've paid 80 quid for that."

I just found it a huge anti-climax.

Anti-climax. And you've illustrated it beautifully with that picture.

And that's the only... That's the one...

With that picture of a drunk car salesman. Yeah.

That's incredible. Yeah.

Stevie. So, you know those, like, display boxes that you get?

Here it is. And I had it for ages.

And I was like, "Oh, they're always quite..."

Like, what do you put in it? Like, they're always quite anti-climactic.

And I couldn't remember what I'd actually got in it.

So then, in the moment, I opened it

and this is genuinely what was inside it.

Here we go.

That could be a number for a safe.

It could be my PIN numbe... No!

Is that your PIN number? No.

But I feel like it's really difficult to know what

to put in this box, because it's not big enough for jewellery.

Like, what could you ever do that would justify

the beautiful ornate woodwork?

I-I'm getting two, aren't I, again?

I love that you presume it's not one.

It's better than crisps!

Thank you so much for bringing a box of tat in.

You're so welcome.

Mathew.

HE CLEARS THROAT Right, I think you'll agree

I've put quite a lot of effort into these prize tasks so far.

You have, actually. OK. Mm-hm.

And this one, I've really gone to town.

So, do you know what a Rube Goldberg machine is?

Yeah. I don't, actually. ROSIE: I don't.

So, like, a tennis ball goes down a drainpipe,

it turns on a leaf blower,

leaf blower blows the washing round the line.

Built one of these in my garden at great effort.

For this show? For this prize.

God! It is meant to end

with a single-ignition multi-shot firework.

This looks absolutely spectacular,

if it goes off.

I invited some people round to film their reaction.

They don't know what we know,

which is that the thing is not going to go off.

Here we go. Let's take a look. Let's have a look.

And here we go.

I didn't do any of that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

Wow!

Lovely. Lovely.

That is a work of art, young man.

I wonder if that'll beat your bag of crisps.

Jason. I think that what I've brought is self-explanatory,

so why don't, Alex, if you don't mind, just hit it?

Here is Jason's anti-climax.

# Bah, bah-bah-bah!

# Bah, bah-bah, bah-bah!

# Bah, bah-bah-bah! #

LAUGHTER

Wah-wah-wah!

A vision of hell.

Right? It's truly haunting. It's evil.

It's my face.

Did you do it yourself? Yeah.

I grabbed one of those, printed out your face,

stretched it, glued it, that's what I got.

And the lips work.

What, as in...? What do you mean?

They're kissable.

OK. Are we starting with the most climactic, or are we going to...?

I suppose the least anti-climactic.

Oh. FATIHA: Don't!

OK. Because the box is so ornate,

I would be most disappointed by that random collection of shit

and the horrible hair, so it's going to be crisps.

So that's one to Fatiha, two to Stevie.

Then we flip to Jason,

because, although I'm loath to admit it,

there is a very small part of me that feels affection towards you,

so I can't say it was totally anti-climactic.

Wow! So I'm going to give three points to that.

Three to Jason. It's very difficult

to put your actual wedding day not in the top slot,

but I think we have to acknowledge that Mathew really did do...

But I spent 25 grand on a day I didn't enjoy.

Four points to Rosie, five points to Mathew.

There we go. Well done, Mathew Baynton.

CHEERING Well done.

Right, what have we got first, please?

We are off to a beautiful location swarming with monsters.

Ooh!

Hello. Hi.

Rosie. Hello.

Welcome. Welcome.

Nice to be here. Is it?

OK, I can see morse code.

I don't know shit about morse code.

Right. I just know it goes - beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep.

STEVIE: Five boxes with codes on them.

It reminds me of the hotel safe things

that I always have to get the receptionist to come up

and break into because I've forgotten my own birthday.

What is in the one yellow box?

You may only give one answer.

All the information is in the task.

Fastest to give the correct answer wins.

OK.

You all right? Yeah, I've just seen these lads.

What's that, then? Some sort of creatures.

Oh.

Your time starts now.

Right. OK, so there's things happening over there.

Bear reading pornographic magazine.

Sugar Guy magazine?

Bear's a straight perv.

APPLAUSE

Stevie, you're the only person I've ever known has used

one of those safes in a hotel.

In the hotel I'm currently at, they had to come in

and break into it. On Friday.

I'm just surprised you've got stuff to lock up

because I've seen inside your jewellery box.

Right, shall we start? Yes. Who's first?

Yes, please, Greg. We're going to start with the logical ladies -

Rosie and Stevie.

ROSIE: They've got a paddle of some description.

Are they doing morse code to me?

Oh, they've gone.

Oh! Oh, my God, there's some sort of bird.

He's just doing his arms.

I think they're wings. Wings, sorry.

OK, one, two...

One, two...

..three.

OK. Two, three, two, three, I'm doing.

BEEPING

It's a compass.

Is that a dinosaur? It's a monster.

Oh, he's doing the flags.

Ah, this is like an eye test.

Four, seven, nine?

OK. Oh, morse code's back.

Dash... Dash...

..dot. ..dot, dot.

So, that's an eight and a five.

Oh, that's two numbers, then.

Eight, five, eight, five.

BEEPING

Oh! A picture.

Oh, it's a puzzle!

This is not... This is just question marks.

I don't think this means anything.

Oh, it's...it's...it's our friend from yonder.

Do you know any of the numbers?

Four, seven, nine.

What's that bear doing there?

Oh, Jesus. What the hell's going on over there? OK.

Hello. What are you reading?

Date, two, five, one, two.

I'm going to take it.

OK, bye. Have a lovely afternoon.

The date of the magazine.

Hangman! I've forgot how to play hangman.

Is this meant to be this difficult?

Erm, right. Erm...

Ooh! Er, m-monster.

"Bear."

"Alligator."

"Monster."

"Crow. Task."

I've seen all of these things, so I've looked at all of the clues.

Mm. No!

OK. Erm...

Is it like a magic eye?

No!

There's a... There's the...the gaps. There's gaps.

One, one, two. One, one, two.

Force.

Wow.

Four, four, nine, four.

What's that? They all have numbers on them.

Am I meant to know more stuff in this?

That's five numbers. OK.

So what's the relevance of the four, seven, nine, then?

Oh, it's...it's seven.

So it'd be four, four, seven, nine, four.

Let's try this one.

Seven, nine, four.

Er... Ah!

It's a fish? I've stopped the clock.

OK.

What the fuck?

APPLAUSE

Well, it all seemed fairly logical to me, what they were doing.

The only two things that stood out were

Rosie wishing a bear a lovely afternoon.

And, erm, did you genuinely think it was a magic eye?

I thought it was worth a shot.

It wasn't!

There were lots of different ways of solving it

and they used all of those ways, I suppose.

Er, Rosie - 16 minutes 28.

Stevie - 25.

Still, a lovely day out.

And now, as my auntie said when she caught my uncle in bed

with his bowling partner, Duncan -

"It's time for a break."

Hello again.

Thank you. Great to have you all back.

It is great to have you all back

and, honestly, I don't even mind the knobheads.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Task-wise, the rivals are trying to find out

the contents of the yellow box in the quickest time.

Two undeniably observant gentlemen now, it is Jason and Mat.

Let's just...before we do that...

What's that all about? 44,7,94.

44,7,94.

No, I guess not. All right.

Oh, wait there's a new one. There's a green guy.

I wish I'd paid better attention in boy scouts.

Is anyone doing...? Is it semaphore? I want to say semaphore.

Bloody hell.

U.

Side to side is N.

D, E.

That's R. Is it under?

Crow, task.

OK.

Oh, now the crow's going.

Jesus Christ, crow! Man fishing.

Now let's...let's be honest, is the man fishing part of the show?

Now they've turned their back

and they've got something written on their back but I can't see it.

Oh, the fisherman's leaving, everybody.

Fisherman's obviously creeped out by what's going on.

Right, I'm just going to go and see what's on their back.

Oh, it's numbers but I can't read them.

Watch out for these fuckers, they're no good.

4-7-9.

4-7-9!

This was a mistake.

4-7-9.

Why did you go under on the way out and over on the way back?

Don't distract me.

44, 7, 94.

Under 479.

So I'm still clueless?

Shall I just do that?

44, 7, 9, 4.

Imagine if it is just that.

Goddammit!

It's a fish.

A fish, yes. Thank you.

What is in the yellow box, is this.

Right, OK, I've stopped the clock. I suppose you're right.

Goddammit, it was there the whole goddamn time!

Go to hell!

I think you both felt some sense of rage having run around

and then realised it was there all along.

Yeah, a little bit.

And the worst was I was so excited to talk to

the fisherman and he kept moving further and further away.

Of course he did.

So I had to chase the man just to talk

to him, who did not want to be talked to.

He did find the fish before you, so there's something for him.

I got sympathy from a couple of young girls on a park bench

and that...that was a low point for me.

Well, they applauded you

because they thought you were a marathon runner.

Right, who's next?

Finally, let's find out if Fatiha found the fish.

Here we go.

OK we've got one, two, three, four, five.

We've got colours.

There's also that thing there, that says,

"In loving memory of M. Onster."

44, 7, 94. Let's try this.

Oh, it's a fish!

I've stopped the clock.

Can I go now? You can go now.

I'm absolutely gutted.

I thought,

"This is going to send this woman over the edge, this task."

There's no way she's going to be chasing crows across a bridge.

Hell, no! No.

What are the times?

Yeah, Stevie, you were the slowest with your 25 minutes, obviously.

Jason just behind you, though - 19 minutes 15,

so you get the two points.

Rosie was slower than Mat, you were 16 minutes 28.

Mat, you were 12 minutes 46. Wow.

Fatiha, 38 seconds and five points!

Right, I need a scoreboard update, please.

Rosie's in second with seven. Mat's in the lead with nine points.

What's next, baby boy?

Well, I've only got into it recently,

but now I have it all the time.

It's so satisfying.

It makes me feel on top of the world.

I just love it.

Yes, I'm talking about yoghurt.

Hiya. Hello.

How's it going?

Good, thank you. Yeah?

Oh, what's this?

How are you?

Yes, good. Yeah, feeling great today.

Hello.

Hi, Rosie. Hiya.

LAUGHTER

You're back.

Yeah.

Ooh, look at this, it's a special task.

And actually, before you open the task... Mm-hm.

..I need you to write a word in that little window.

You've gotta either write the word "most" or "least".

Oh.

Have you got a pen?

Well, I've provided you with a pen.

Where is it? On your way in, I gave it to you.

No, you didn't. No, you didn't.

I'm sure I did.

There's a pen in here?

Yeah, yeah.

You're taking the mick, yeah?

It's incredible what the brain does.

LAUGHTER

I've watched so many people sort of lose

their sense of humour on this show,

and I've always wondered why.

And now I get it.

LAUGHTER

Bit hotter.

Hotter.

Here? No.

Yeah, hotter.

Hotter.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I see that marker.

Good. I'm just letting you know that I know the marker is there.

OK, I'm gonna...

Uh, "Glass half most."

"Glass half most."

"Most!"

Oh! "Eat this yoghurt with the most..."

"With the most..."

"With the most dignity."

Here it is. OK.

"Eat this yoghurt with the least dignity.

"The most extreme eating wins."

Most extreme?

Yes, extreme dignity, please.

"You have 30 minutes.

"Your time starts now."

Could you Google "dignity"?

Ah. Do you know what I mean?

I know exactly what you mean.

What does it mean?

It's a song by Deacon Blue.

OK.

APPLAUSE

I mean, it was genuinely fascinating that none of you

saw that pen, right?

I think when you walk into that room,

you're just kind of like zone... In the zone.

It's amazing what the brain does.

It is amazing what the brain does.

One of many quotes to go into the Taskmaster book of quotes.

That next to "Glass half most".

No surprise that you had your own pen with you.

Increasingly, Alex...

APPLAUSE

..this man's basically a Doomsday prepper.

He's got everything with him to survive.

Look, there you go. What's that?

Swiss army knife with a flashlight on.

Why would you bring that onto a TV show?

Terrifying.

All right, dignity.

Four of them chose "most dignity".

Just the one with the "least".

We're gonna start with the most dignity, Stevie and Jason.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Mmm!

It's delicious.

I own so much land.

LAUGHTER

Mmm!

Ah!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And how do you think that represents dignity, just so I can score this?

I'm gonna be honest, when I'd spilled

the yoghurt on my hand, I was like, "I'm fucked.

"I'm not trying to get points now.

"I'm just on my secondary mission, which is always ongoing -

"destroy, dismantle, engulf in flames."

Oh, my gosh.

Very much an American foreign policy, isn't it?

Little bit of politics.

Yours was very dignified, I thought,

and I've written something down that may or may not offend you.

I wrote, "I hadn't realised until now

"what a Downton Abbey face you have."

That's OK.

Yeah. Yeah.

I actually... I...I leant in and went, "You look really nice."

I thought she looked lovely. She liked it.

Like a...like a pound coin.

I didn't say she didn't look lovely. I look like a pound coin? Just...

Well, from the side, it was just, like, very posh.

Sorry, stop, stop your hand!

Anyway, posh...mad.

Next.

Well, even more dignity now with Fatiha and Rosie.

Eating a yoghurt the most dignified way.

You at the end, I'd like you to pick your nose,

stir it in the yoghurt, and then lick it off.

I'd like you to put some yoghurt in your mouth

and then I'd like you to kind of squirt it out of your mouth, like...

Eat your yoghurt really as fast as you can.

But also, at the same time, if you don't mind shaking your bosoms.

Your eyes...

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Dignity.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Who has the dignity in your piece?

Me. You?

Yeah.

No, I just wondered if this was a clever satirical point you were

making about the workers who lack the social graces, but no, OK, cool.

Posh woman in a big blouse eating it nicely,

everyone else eating it badly, yeah?

Yes. Or something deeper.

Um, now, you...

..what's your definition of dignity?

Elegance.

Poise.

Posh twat.

I just wanna make sure that we both have

the same understanding of dignity.

Yeah.

Cos it just seems to me some yoghurt-gobbling horny woman.

I had a hat. One of the lines was... I was wearing gloves.

You said... Who wears gloves?

"Her smell seduces people's nostrils."

Because my smell is seductive, dickhead.

Yes, yes, yes!

APPLAUSE

Do you like...? Did you like it?

My definition of dignified, was that good or not?

And now it's time for an advert.

APPLAUSE

Hello.

Welcome back to the start of part three -

dignity and yoghurts, Alex.

Yes, indeed, and that's a little in-joke for me

and Greg, as dignity and yoghurts is also Greg's safe word.

And now... It always has been.

Now for the only competitor who settled for less.

Consuming his yoghurt with the least dignity, yes, it's Mat.

LAUGHTER

MAT CRIES

AUDIENCE GROANS

Please forgive me, Daddy.

LAUGHTER

I've got your shoes all mucky.

MAT CRIES

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That sort of thing?

Yeah, lovely. Thank you, Mathew, very nice.

All right, see you later.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Incredible.

The stand-out line for me, I've written down,

and I thought I'd get you to read it out.

"Please forgive me, Daddy, I've got your shoes all mucky."

There aren't the points in

the world that can have made that worthwhile...

..for the cost it's gonna have at the school gates, for example.

Yeah, whereas I think I'll get new respect from my children.

Really?

That's the most power I've ever had. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You said, "Daddy"! What'd you say "Daddy" for?

Do you get on with your dad? That's where you're...

Good question.

We're looking for the most extreme eating,

so it might be most dignified or least dignified - whichever is

the most extreme of those two ways.

Obviously, Jason's getting one point.

There was absolutely no dignity whatsoever...

All right. ..in smashing up our set again.

Right. Worth it. One point.

One point to Jason. Well done. Yeah.

I do feel there needs to be a jump up, then.

I'm gonna group Stevie and Rosie together

because they went down a class-based dignity.

Mm-hm. So I think it's a three-pointer. It feels fair.

And this is gonna surprise you

because I do think there was some dignity in that weird woman.

She was very much in control.

She was very comfortable in her own skin.

So is she getting five points or four?

Four, put four. Four points, four points to Fatiha.

I mean, obviously, if a man is prepared

to humiliate himself in such a profound way... Mm-hm.

..to be that undignified... Right.

..how can I not give him five points?

There we go. Five to Mat Baynton.

You do deserve it.

Another task, please, little Alex.

OK, well, if you like gardens, water, choices, an assault course,

buckets, and bunting, then you'll enjoy this.

Also, we should really hook up.

LAUGHTER

Am I a worm?

You think I'm gonna go through that?

You lost your mind? Do I look like Lassie?

LAUGHTER

That's what they do, isn't it?

I've never seen anyone do it that well.

Thank you.

Ooh. "Put at least six litres of water in the vase."

I'm assuming this is the vay-se.

No, that's the vah-se.

OK, so where's the vay-se?

Ah.

"You must either use bucket A and route A..."

"Or bucket B and route B."

These are "ROUTs"?

No, these are "ROOTs".

LAUGHTER

"If you choose A, you must complete one of the tasks at every obstacle."

"If you choose B, you must trot throughout."

You know I hate trotting.

I do.

What am I, a horse?

"You must stay within the arena at all times."

The arena is the lawn.

"And must never touch the vase."

"Fastest wins.

"You have 30 seconds to pick your bucket,

"and that time has just started."

OK, so I'm going to pick bucket A.

I feel like that's a red herring.

I'm gonna do A.

I'm going with A.

Oh, no, I don't know. What's trotting? This?

Yeah. You've got 12 seconds to decide.

Can I do B?

B it is. Right, we're off.

I'm gonna trot.

OK, we're going option B. Go for it. Yeah.

Well, Fatiha, why are you so cross?

Cos he wants me to trot like a horse. What the hell, man?

Straight away, you're like, "Who am I? Lassie? A horse?"

I do think I asked what trotting was because we do not say "trot".

Do you not? No, I think it's skipping, is it?

What about on a horse?

Oh, I guess...

You know? With a horse? When you do that on the horse.

Fatiha didn't join in that cos she's not a horse.

No, and she's not fucking Lassie either, bruv.

Who are we gonna start with?

Uh, first up, it's Mat and Stevie.

I bet those buckets have got holes in or something, haven't they?

Yeah, they've got holes in them.

All right.

How is that not working?

LAUGHTER

"Keep doing what you're doing."

Jesus.

"Take a big, deep breath and persist."

"Carry on."

Oh, I should've got water from the...

LAUGHTER

There's...there's only one way. This is the only way.

OK. This is the way.

Yeah.

This is the way.

LAUGHTER

"Make a puddle on the path..."

"..using all the water in your bucket."

"Continue the obstacle course."

I gonna hold it with my head.

"Turn your bucket upside down onto the path right now."

Can I go in it and just come back?

Yeah, you're here again, though.

You probably need to do one of those tasks.

"Pop all the water out of your bucket and out of the arena."

"Hope you're having a nice time."

Ugh. Oh.

"Carry on."

"Immediately empty your bucket outside the arena."

Hmm. Why did you ignore the "carry on" one?

Ugh!

I could've just continued.

Oh, yeah, it told you to.

And it's too late now cos I opened the other one. Yeah.

Sh...

Right, you've pretty much done all the tasks now, so that's something.

What I like about this bit is it gets your feet wet.

Oh, my God, I'm absolutely sodden.

Ah!

And there's so little water in this!

LAUGHTER

I've stopped the clock.

Is that six litres?

Yeah.

Stop the clock.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

In my head, I thought,

"I'll probably be doing so well, like, it doesn't matter if

"I've thrown this one." I really needed it!

Yeah, this task started for Mathew by him doing

the whole course with an empty bucket.

Yeah, didn't bring any water with him.

It's amazing what the brain does.

Very good. Very nice. How did they do?

Well, we saw Stevie.

They had to get six litres in the vase, and, um... Yeah.

..well, you didn't do very well. Um... No.

You took eight minutes 17 seconds, and... But how?

..you were nowhere near six litres.

Uh, Mat completed it in six minutes 27.

Now we're gonna look at Rosie and Fatiha.

What do I have to do? Trot?

Trot throughout, yeah.

FATIHA NEIGHS How long do I have to do this?

It's fastest wins. Oh, OK.

I knew this was gonna happen!

But there's a hole in the bottom!

This is ridiculous.

Do you know how long we're gonna be here?

Oh, no.

OK, let's do this.

I'm resourceful, innit?

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God, have I gotta do this?

All the information's in the task, Rosie.

I can't remember.

You must trot. I know that.

Can I take your shoes off and fill them?

My shoes?

Yeah, give me your shoes.

OK. Do I have to do this?

I can't... I can't remember!

I can't remember. You must... I'm gonna do it.

OK, as long as you're trotting.

Are you trotting?

Oh! Oh!

Lovely trotting.

Am I allowed to go there?

As long as you stay on the grass.

"Use bucket A and route A, or bucket B and route B."

Oh, my God!

Trot.

I'm trotting, I'm trotting. Hmm.

MAKES CLIP-CLOP SOUND

It's more of a gallop.

Oh, shit.

Oh! Oh!

So, if we do this, it works as a funnel.

OK. How smart am I?

I'm not sure.

LAUGHTER

I've stopped the clock.

I've stopped the clock.

I'm sorry about your shoes.

No, I didn't expect you to do any of that, but well done.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Well, first things first,

in no way did that act as a funnel.

Secondly,

let's deal with the trotting.

Was your horse lame?

It was like 20-hundred, 5,000 degrees.

Oh, all of 20-hundred, 5,000?

It was a hot day. It was hot.

It was really hot.

Um, Rosie's trot was incredible.

I feel the initial trot was great. Have you clipped it off for me?

'Course I have. I clip-clopped the trot.

There we go. Clip-clopped it. Yeah, yeah.

Lovely.

Like those Spanish horses that have been taught to dance.

So delicate.

And then I thought, "Well, that's...

"that's gonna be the best trot I see today."

And then you added sound effects.

Here we go. And this is added by her, not us.

SHE MAKES CLIP-CLOP SOUND

Perfect.

OK, one part left before someone wins some crisps and a spoon.

Further proof, if you needed it, that life is pointless.

APPLAUSE

Hello again.

It's the last part of the show,

and there's a water-carrying task at play.

Only one person left to go, and it's Jason's turn to try

and put at least six litres of water in the VAY-se. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Here is how he got on.

"Uh, fastest wins.

"You must stay within the arena at all times

"and must never touch the vase."

OK, great.

Do we know how many litres are in this vase?

No.

I'm eyeballing it.

I'm gonna say that's six litres.

Stop the clock?

All right.

Wow!

APPLAUSE

Pleased with yourself? Oh, I was delighted.

Yeah, we normally think we've put enough small print in

to stop that sort of thing happening.

Yeah. Frustrating. Yeah.

What, stop WINNING happening?

Stop that sort of thing like letting an American win?

Is that what you mean? Cos that's what I'm hearing.

But he didn't fill it all, though, did he?

Well, yeah, he did have to put six litres in.

Well, now here's the rub.

You didn't have to fill it, you just had to put six litres in.

And he put... Well, he put that much in.

Right. And where's the six litres?

Uh, six litres is here.

EVERYONE GASPS

Yeah.

This right here is where you lose America.

Yeah.

"I'm just gonna eyeball it."

If that wasn't a dead-on impression, I would be very upset, Rosie.

He was obviously the quickest. He took one minute 20 seconds.

Yeah, but he didn't get six litres.

He did not. He got basically the same as Stevie.

So, Fatiha's third place with her 30 minutes 47 seconds.

Mat, second place, gets four points with six minutes 27.

But Rosie gets the full points with three minutes 15!

Five points.

Yes. Wow!

One more look at the scores, please.

Yes, well, as is traditional,

Jason and Stevie are doing very badly.

12 points less than Mat, who's in the lead with 18 points.

All right, everyone, please make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Who's going to read the task out?

Rosie Ramsey's gonna read the task out, please.

"Get one of your balls into your bucket.

"Your spoons must be poking through

"the fence when touching the ball,

"and only your spoons may touch your ball.

"You may not touch the other team's balls or buckets or spoons.

"You must always be on your side of the fence,

"and your ball must always be on the other.

"If your ball touches the ground, you must start again.

"Fastest wins."

You're trying to get a red ball into the red bucket.

You're trying to get a blue ball into the blue bucket.

And the spoons must go through the fence.

They can't go over or under.

They need to be through that middle section.

OK.

So is it most balls in the bucket wins?

It's just fastest to get one across.

Fascinating. OK. Yeah, fastest wins.

You ready, Greg? I'm ready.

Go!

Right, just you tell us. Do you wanna go one at a time?

You tell us. Do we just, do we just, do you, do you just...

Oh! ..try it and move it?

Yeah, and I'll try and take it.

I can reset if you like.

There we go. Right.

Listen, you beast, load me!

It's one to go into the other one.

Yes, load me. Load me, is it?

Go, Jason, go.

Nice, nice.

You can use two spoons. One to help it!

Coming.

Load me! I'm going, I'm going.

Shit. Sorry, guys.

Right, OK. So, look, we need a cushion, a little cushion.

There you go. A little cushion.

Oh!

This is lovely work from the blue team. It's so hard.

Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it.

Can you not swear quite so much?! Sorry, sorry.

It's just every sentence. No, it was a direction.

AUDIENCE CHEERING

OK, I'm holding it, I'm holding it, you come round.

Come round. You go the other way.

Do you see why it's not every ball, Greg? This is great.

You got it? You got it?

Yes. This is far more watchable than I ever dreamt. OK.

OK. They're getting close, they're getting close to each other.

It's like the Channel Tunnel. I've got it!

And you're not allowed to touch each other's spoons.

OK. No, no, no, thank you.

AUDIENCE GROANS

No! You sure you've got it?

Shit! You go. How did that happen?

OK. How did that happen?

OK. OK. OK.

Rosie, you ready? I'm locked in.

Yeah, go.

We've got this, we've got this.

OK, safe. I'm locked in!

Fuck!

Sorry didn't mean to swear, I didn't mean to swear. OK.

Fuck! I did mean to swear.

Can you see, Mat?

OK, I'm locked in. Yeah.

Great!

I'm enjoying "I'm locked in" as a catchphrase.

I'm locked in!

Wait, wait, wait for me.

Don't touch, don't touch any of their stuff!

I'm not going to.

Wait. Can we see?

I'm gonna let them pass. Should we let them pass?

You shall pass.

Thank you.

Go, Stevie, go, Stevie, go, Stevie, go, Stevie.

Thank you.

And there's gonna be a straight sprint from here, Greg.

I'm not locked in. I'm not locked in yet.

OK, you need to come a little bit. I'm gonna come under. Ooh.

Can I...? Ooh! I am locked in now.

You are? Yeah. OK, great.

Right, am I out the safety zone?

Sweet mother of God.

So it's neck and neck, Greg. It's neck and neck.

I'm genuinely finding it exciting.

What's wrong with me? I love it!

I'm locked in! Go!

Right, come back.

OK, wait, wait, wait. I'm not locked in. I'm locked in!

No! Oh, my God! I'm not locked in yet!

They could... They might...

AUDIENCE CHEERING

WHISTLE BLOWS

What's happened?!

We did it! We did it!

AUDIENCE CHEERING

Hold Jason. Hold Jason.

Please hold Jason.

No, no, no! Don't touch me!

Argh!

Stevie, I'm so sorry.

It's OK. Argh!

Jason, I'm locked in. Oh!

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Come down and join me! We'll add that to your final scores!

AUDIENCE CHEERING

Wowee!

Who would've thought that passing a ball

with some spoons through a fence would be that exciting?

Well, you didn't. Correct.

So, the team of two, Jason and Stevie, have managed to get

a total of 12 points this episode.

Mathematically, I don't know how they've managed to do that.

They've got six points each.

While at the top, we've got Mat with 23 points!

Mathew Baynton wins!

Please head to the stage to climax the show

with your anti-climactic things!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media