Original subtitles

You okay?

It's just so sad.

Rudolph?

They're just all making fun of his nose. Like, so what if he's different?

And Santa saying he can't be part of the team?

Like he's so perfect?

Santa's a fat fuck.

Hey. Come here.

Hey, how'd your Thanksgiving go?

- Good. - Good?

You write stories for a living, Greg.

- Do better. - Good to see you, Walt.

It was fine. Katie and I were here.

The only bummer was that she was a little bothered by something.

She really wouldn't tell me what it was. And she was kind of sad.

Oh, I love the whipped cream on the bottom.

How many of those do you have a week?

It is not your problem, it is my problem, and I never want to fix it.

Hey, just a quick heads up there, Greg.

Cristle's back if you wanna say hi or something.

How's she doing?

You know what, I'll talk to her later.

- Thanks, Walt. - Yeah.

- Are you avoiding me? - Oh!

Hi. No, I was actually just coming to see you.

Oh, no, we don't have to do any of that, Greg.

In fact, I've made a list of ground rules

so we can navigate our last eight days as coworkers.

Okay.

No tight khakis in the office or crotch-defining casual slacks.

Alright, I think that applies more to me than to you.

- I'll be doing it, too. - Okay. Alright.

No acts of chivalry to make me swoon.

I'm still going to be nice to you.

'Kay.

No smiling or showing any tongue around the office.

- This one's important to me. - Sure. No smiling.

I don't know if I've ever shown tongue around the office.

Well, anytime you open your mouth, you're showing your tongue.

Okay, I will…

Yeah, you got it.

I'm gonna leave now, so please don't undress me with your eyes.

I will do my best.

- You're doing it. - I kind of am.

As I'm sure you all remember, the name of this class

is "The Art of the Page-Turner."

So, a lot of the notes that you're getting on these

has to do with that first chapter, engaging the audience.

I wrote a book called Swamp Blossom.

In it, Rooster receives a letter from an old flame and it says,

"Letting you go was the biggest mistake that I ever made.

But if you're reading this right now, I'm probably dead." Thoughts?

Dude, who writes a letter?

Yeah, and why didn't she finish it and explain it more?

Maybe she was in danger.

But she still had time to buy a stamp and mail it?

Oh, no.

A lot of old people already have stamps.

What's wrong with stamps?

It makes sense if you read it. It's actually an awesome book.

Tommy, I can't tell you how great it is

to have you in this class participating again.

Mm, you never say anything

- when I participate. - I know.

Here you go.

A-minus.

That's it for today.

Get to work on those revisions. That is for you.

Check it. Adderall and Celsius.

- Works every time. - Every time.

- See ya, Grg. - See ya.

Are we good?

I have this psych major helping me visualize you

without any sex organs.

Just a blank, hairless front.

Okay, I would like to help you get back on track with your other classes.

Yeah, I mean, I need it.

My office? 3 p.m. sharp?

- Right on. - Right on.

That's for you.

You got some work to do.

I absolutely love this vest. Thank you.

The neoprene raises your core body temperature by 12%.

Plus, it makes your guns look good.

I'd wear it to dinner.

Any updates on all things Biotecha? You any closer to a decision?

Moving to New York is complicated.

And Archie's shown

that he's a little more invested in the baby.

He even put together a list of pretentious British names.

Though I personally would not have a son or daughter named Robin.

- Who would? - But if he's not gonna be super involved,

I should just take the job and move, right?

Do you mind if I quote Theodore Roosevelt?

I'd prefer it if you do not.

Fine.

Look it, your life's gonna be full of tests, Sunny.

You gotta just keep your eyes open

and see what the world tells you. You'll figure it out.

Thank you.

"Believe you can and you're halfway there."

Snuck a little TR there in the end, didn't you?

Couldn't help myself.

So…

why are we all wearing the same bucket hat?

Like, it could be our thing.

We'd be The Bucket Boys.

- Fuck that. - That was a nice try, Pig Tits.

- You're always gonna be Pig Tits. - Ah, fuck.

- Hey, guys. - Grg!

- Rooster! - Hey!

Did you see Tommy anywhere?

We were supposed to meet in my office, and he never showed.

- Nah. - He wasn't in Econ, either.

Maybe he's off sad somewhere because this guy

didn't ask him to be a Bucket Boy.

Fuck you guys.

Gimme some of that, Bucket Boy!

You don't even know what a Bucket Boy is, do you?

No, I don't.

Gentlemen.

Piggy Titty.

Walt, got your text. No, I will not create

a task force to find out who stole the school's mascot.

Nice try. Don't call back. He's gonna call back.

- Sorry. - No, it's alright.

Like seeing you in this boss mode.

Thanks. Ignore.

I wanted to talk to you about your poem Cherry Pop.

You get that I'm the cherry popper and that Eli is the cherry, right?

Okay, not everyone needs to know I was a virgin.

You're my muse, King. But you gotta wait outside.

I love this poem.

It's the first time you've written something

that feels personal.

- Shit, thank you. - I think that this is a piece

that could get into The Review.

So, I just made a few marks

to show you where you could push even further with yourself.

Be more vulnerable. What do you say?

I'm gonna go microdose my balls off and give it a shot.

Don't need to know how you get there.

I'm just excited to have a student with some promise.

- Eva is so talented. - She is.

Don't you encourage her too much. She's mine.

The world has plenty of fiction writers.

- Yeah. - I mean, what the hell is this?

They're only doing that 'cause I'm in town.

Do you know what they do when poets come to town?

Everybody goes crazy?

You are not funny.

Your face. You are so mad.

- Hey, Greg? - Oh, hey.

Entering but leaving the door open for both of our safety.

I know that must have looked strange, but I wasn't checking out my belly button.

It's okay.

Because it's good for me to see how deeply troubled you are.

- I am, thank you. - But I need your help.

What's going on?

Tommy says he's dropping out of school.

- Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. - I'm so mad.

This is such a huge opportunity for him.

I'm not going to let that happen.

Okay.

May I have your permission to get involved?

Yeah, feel free to hit him if you need to.

No, I'm not gonna hit him.

I love him, but sometimes I hate him.

Sure.

Did you know he was a 14-pound baby?

No. I would have never guessed.

- Thank you. - Okay.

Cristle…

I got this.

Don't do this.

What?

Don't make me fall for you again.

Oh, I'm not trying to do that. I just wanna help your son.

I just wanna help your son.

- Thank you, Greg. - You're welcome.

Right! Yugoslavia split from the Soviets.

Coming up in this episode, we got some forged letters.

Even got a cameo from the Greeks.

My God, I love those swarthy bastards.

Actually, don't write that down.

Yeah, I'm just gonna take that.

Great, okay. Right, let's get it popping. What caused this lover's quarrel?

Yes, Liv?

Tito resisted Stalin's attempts to control Yugoslavia's policies?

Brilliant, as always. Thank you.

God, we're so back.

Calm down, don't take your top off.

- At least he knows my name. - He knows my name.

…had even seen a growing resistance across the rest of the USSR.

- Yes, Liv? - Yeah, Heather here

was just saying that economic pressure from the West

also contributed to the split.

Great job, Heather. Thank you.

Great job, Heather.

Fucking cunt.

Ah, ladies.

Mi casa es your casa. Yay!

Wow, you're a little more pleased with yourself than usual.

That's actually pretty hard to do.

I've gotta say, lately I feel like I have been teaching

at a virtuosic level.

"Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts."

- What's that? - Oh, this is…

This is just one of my parenting books.

- Oh. - Did you know that 90% of new mothers

- have intrusive thoughts? - I have heard that.

- Yeah, like, what if my baby gets ill? - Mm.

- What if I drop my baby? - Could happen.

What if my baby thinks my hair is prettier than hers

and shaves my head in the middle of the night?

- Very possible. - Gosh.

That's a lot of hormones running through your body there, darling.

I don't think you're clocking what's going on, emotionally.

She's correct.

But I got you the Montessori book if you want to read up with me, though.

Bug. Ah.

See, parenting is just this kind of instinctual thing.

You know?

You really don't have to worry about me being a father.

My entire day is just spent molding young minds.

It's actually funny you say that.

I was just perusing your Rate My Professor reviews online

for no reason at all.

This one tickled me. "Professor Bates is arrogant

and completely self-involved."

Well, I don't really take arrogant as a negative, so.

"Professor Bates is terrible with criticism,

- petulant, and defensive." - Well, that's bollocks.

I'm not defensive in the slightest.

Who'd take time to write lie… No, okay, I can hear myself now.

Okay, well, good. I'm happy to have the feedback.

Here's a fun one. "Professor Bates is Ludlow's biggest asshole."

That's not really on there, is it?

No, I just wanted to say it.

Tommy, just sit down for a second.

Leave me alone, I gotta work.

- Hey, what's up, Grg? - What's good, Rooster?

Hey. Sit down, please.

What are you doing, man? You can't just drop out of college.

- Wait, what? - Whoa, don't do that, man.

- We need you, bro. - Hey, why not?

Look, I only went to college 'cause my mom made me,

and it's not like I'm killing it.

- Totally. - Come on.

Is that all college is about?

I think so.

Yeah, my pop says grades are everything.

Dude, my dad just married a chick two years older than me.

She's hot. It's confusing.

- But you'd still hit, right? - They do it in porn.

Guys, this is all very important stuff,

but I'm going to continue our discussion over here.

Congrats to your dad, by the way.

- Thank you, Grg. - Come on, join me.

Rooster, you never went to college, man.

No, I didn't, and I regret it.

When I was a kid…

I was really unhappy.

I was kind of a loner. Still kind of am.

I see you walking around campus, and you are surrounded by people.

I wish I had that when I was your age.

These guys behind you are such complete idiots,

but they're your idiots.

Don't leave 'em behind.

Well, I live here. I'll still see 'em.

We'll still hang out, right, guys?

- Yeah, of course. - Brothers for life, man.

- We love you. - You know that, man.

- Stop helping. - Don't worry.

I'm not gonna be a waiter

for the rest of my life.

There's tons of shit I can do.

I've actually always really wanted to be a cop.

- They are badass. - Excuse me.

If I could just have everyone's attention real quick.

Just retracing my steps. I was here yesterday.

Has anybody seen my gun?

Look under your tables, look under your chairs.

How's the rewrite coming?

Oh…

It's not.

- You need some more time? - No.

It's just, I dove into the vulnerable thing.

I hated it.

It just made me feel exposed.

But, like, not the way that I like

- to be exposed, you know? - Uh-huh, uh-huh.

It's scary to put yourself in your work, but that's what an artist does.

See, that's the thing. I'm not, like, an artist.

I'm a business major.

I had to promise my dad

I'd either be a finance bro or a crypto douche.

This poetry stuff is fun, but it's an oasis.

Yeah, this isn't gonna be my life.

And now, Tommy is going on a ride-along

to see if he wants to be a police officer. How insane is that?

Sorry, is this the kid who sometimes lives at your house

who you secretly wish was your son?

Honey, come on, it's not a secret.

Are you okay?

You seem like you're in a bit of a funk these days.

Don't you have to coach?

I feel like this whole thing started the morning after Walt's party,

when I saw you with the two coffees.

In my business, that's what we call a "clue trail."

So, I think I know what's going on.

- You do? - Mm.

You're seeing somebody else.

And you feel guilty about it because of Archie?

Wow. Nailed it.

Well, I am a professional banter-driven action-mystery writer, so.

True.

Who's the guy? Is he here?

- Uh, yeah. - Oh. Really?

- Yeah. - Where?

Right there. He's Hunter, the guy from the bar.

- Oh. Oh! - Yeah.

I like him. He doesn't skimp on the nuts.

That's what hooked me.

Why don't you go sit with him?

No, I'm gonna sit away.

Honey, don't worry about Archie's feelings.

- Yeah. - Take care of yourself.

- Okay. - Ask him if he…

No, I was gonna say ask him if he has any nuts.

I'm not gonna do that. I will sit with him

- to stop this conversation, though. - Okay.

- Love you. - Love you.

Here we go! Come on!

Come on! Skate faster!

You know they're just warming up, right?

Yeah, I know. Me too.

Kill him!

- Hi. - Hey.

Rip him up! Rip him up!

Get him down!

Guys, get it together!

I'm gonna put my head on your shoulder now.

But I'm here on a date.

She'll be fine.

Ah, outstanding.

Mascot's back.

Oh.

That's not our guy.

Somebody, stop him! Hey!

Right, yes, I am the police. Here, hold my beer.

I'm coming back for that. I am the police!

I got it! Hey!

Ah.

- Hello, you. - Hey.

Morning.

- Been a minute. - Yeah.

- How was Thanksgiving in Wisconsin? - Interesting.

Yeah, Sunny's family are really into this electronic game called Simon.

It's sort of… It has these flashing lights…

I know what Simon is. Everybody knows.

Okay. Well, I did not.

So much so that they all sort of took turns screaming at me.

Oh, good. I'm glad that that amuses you.

Oh, I wanted to thank you for getting me hooked on croissants.

- Ah, yes. Yeah. - Like a heroin dealer.

Well, you know what they say. First one's always free.

- I know, right? - Yeah.

And then you stopped bringing them.

- Katie, actually… - You can't promise someone 1,000 days

to make a decision, and then only give them two.

Right? It's not fair. And now, I'm getting sad in front of you,

and I just wanted to come and get my three croissants.

Yeah, I want three now, 'cause I'm an animal.

- Don't cry, darl… - Don't call me darling.

And don't tell me not to cry. I can fucking cry if I want to.

And I don't currently want to,

but I'm just having a little trouble stopping.

- Thank you. - Okay.

I hope you're better to Sunny.

Hey, guys. What you doing?

- Cop stuff. - He's introducing me

to this band called Creed.

Can we chat outside for a sec?

So, how's it been going, guys?

You been writing a lot of tickets?

We really haven't. I mean, cars still stopped

at that red light back there even after we turned it off.

That's too bad. Wait, what?

I just wish I could show this kid a little bit of action,

but only outstanding felony in town is that stolen mascot costume.

Hey, man, I'm having a blast.

He showed me how to use the radar gun.

- That's right. - I can run eight miles an hour.

- Yeah. - Should have done track.

- Oh, yeah. - I don't think that's fast.

Also, I know it's a cliché, but they actually give you free donuts.

- Ah. - Think they'll give me some more?

- Only one way to find out, sport. - Yeah?

Tommy!

Officer Tommy whatever his last name is.

Yeah, his mom really wants him to finish college.

Okay. My mom really wants me to come visit her and her girlfriend,

but no thank you.

Greg, if the kid has the calling,

who are you and I to stand in the way of that?

This is not the priesthood.

Look, you need to back off. You need to just let him finish.

You need to visit your mom.

Just to be clear, I'm not not visiting because she has a girlfriend.

It's because her girlfriend is Sharon who happens to be the absolute worst.

Tommy is a grown man who can make decisions

for himself, as can I, Sharon.

You're forcing me to do this.

No.

You're gonna use your "Get Out of Jail Free" card now,

- seriously? - That is how important this is to me,

that I am giving you that meaningless thing.

- Dozen glazed! - Oh, great.

Nice! What's in the bag?

- Oh, it's your gun. - Oh.

Yeah, they said you left it in there last time.

Yes, I did, and, yes, that's mine.

So, Officer Donnie was telling me

that there are some downsides to being a cop.

Yeah, yeah, I was, actually.

Tommy, it sucks. Being a cop…

sucks.

Wait, but you just told me that it was awesome.

And I lied to you, Tommy, because I lie to kids.

That's what cops do. Let's get outta here.

- You can drive. - Mm-mm, mm!

Yes, no, no! Tommy.

- No! Give me that. - What?

I'm driving, you take this. Keep the donuts.

No, I got the gun! I got the gun. God.

Eva, can we go somewhere and talk?

- Yeah. Yeah, sure. - No.

Put some pants on first.

Oh. Ha!

Yeah, sorry.

Oof!

I still don't see a downside of being a cop.

I mean, short training.

Good benefits. Free car.

Yeah, at first, it is…

It's quite a rush. The power.

You realize you can pull over Vince Martinelli…

guy who was a dick to you in high school, whenever you want.

Then, you find yourself pulling him over two, three times a week…

just so you can feel something.

Your captain's yelling at you. He's up your ass.

He's telling you he's gonna lawyer up, and he's probably right.

You think the guys at the station,

you think they got your back, but they don't.

They are all planning a trip to Foxwoods.

- Without you. - No.

And everybody went.

They even fucking took Sharon.

How the fuck do they even know her?

I think what Donnie is trying to say

is that you have to give this whole thing some thought.

Yeah.

At the end of the day, it's just a job.

- Yes. Exactly. - It's not that exciting.

Wait. Turn on the light.

Nobody spook it.

Police!

You're going! He's going! Get!

Run!

Where are the keys?!

Hey! Police!

Freeze!

Stop!

Quit running!

Mother…

Tommy!

- Thank you. - Thank you.

You know, it really bothered me

when you said you weren't gonna be an artist.

- Oh. My bad, Diva. - You know why?

You already are an artist.

And don't get me wrong.

I'm not gonna call your dad and say,

"She shouldn't work for Goldman Sachs. She should just be a street poet."

Yeah, yeah, he wouldn't dig that.

Hey!

Stop in the name of the law!

Okay, look, you said poetry makes you happy.

That's enough, 'cause I know that if I'm struggling,

I can always lean on my art.

Anyways, I wanted you to see the mock-up.

Tommy!

Turn to page 20.

I won't put it in there for real if you don't want me to.

Oh, no. I…

I want you to.

"Diva."

I like it. Can you call me that all the time?

Oh, forever, Diva.

Here comes the hammer. Hey!

Taste it.

Huh? Huh? Yeah!

Eight miles an hour, bitch.

- Pig Tits? - Oh, God.

What the hell? What are you doing?

How can you run so fast with that giant head?

Me or him?

I can't be Pig Tits anymore. I thought this would change things for me.

Dude, people are just gonna say, "Pig Tits stole the mascot costume."

Oh, fuck.

Look, I'll stop calling you Pig Tits, okay?

- Rooster? - Yeah, I'll try.

Oh, man, I'm so fucked.

I got you. Get outta here.

- Okay. - Run!

Hey!

Hey. Found my keys.

They were in the ignition. Car was on the whole time.

Yeah, I got the head. Oh, he went that way.

- Yeah! - Are you sure?

That's where he is.

I hate backing up.

I'm good back there?

- You're good, go, go! - Can you see?

Yep, go!

Oh. You're actually reading it.

Course, I am. I knew you wanted me to.

Look, Bug. Boy, girl, whatever comes, they will not defeat us.

We can do this shit.

I got a job offer at Biotecha.

What?

- Yeah. Salary's good. - That's amazing.

And they, they want me to start in New York in January.

But that's not where I am.

I'm not taking it.

- Think you're done reading. - Why? I was learning about…

Oh, now I see why. This is a lot more fun.

Huge mistake! Take the job!

You know, I think I'd be a shitty cop.

I'd let everyone go.

You're just being a good friend to Pig…

JD. Wow. That is going to be a hard habit to break.

We don't have to stop calling him Pig Tits.

Yeah, just not to his face.

Okay, I take back the good friend part.

I don't wanna sound like a broken record

- about all this college stuff. - It's not for me.

Look, okay?

I can struggle through, you know,

skate by with some D's.

What's the point?

Writing is the only thing that I like,

and I even suck at that, so.

What are you talking about?

My chapter.

- The red marks everywhere. - Oh.

- It looked like my face before Accutane. - Oh.

And Spooner's was spotless.

- Oh. - Okay? Just a big check-plus.

Yeah, well, Spooner's paper…

Don't tell him I told you this, but Spooner's not gonna be a writer.

Oh, I know. He's gonna run his dad's oil company.

Probably hook up with his stepmom.

Tommy, the reason yours was marked up

was because I think that you have potential.

No, you're just bullshitting 'cause you don't want me to drop out.

"Bernice stared down at him on the ground…

"his blood peeking past his shadow.

"And she laughed.

One perfect 'Ha.'"

That's my story.

Yeah, I know. I have a knack for remembering really good sentences.

I wish I'd written that.

Really?

Yeah.

So, I'm good?

Not yet.

But with a little work, I think you could be pretty good, yeah.

Good night.

I wish I hadn't seen your dick.

Me too, Tommy.

Me too.

Thank you.

Hey.

You okay?

No. I'm all out of jam.

I thought you dropped out.

Ah, I changed my mind.

Good choice.

You know, if something's bothering you,

your dad is the greatest.

Cool. Still not your dad.

Yeah, no, I know. I wish he was.

My dad does not give a shit.

You're so lucky.

You can go now.

- Yeah, cool. - Yeah.

- Hey, sweetie. - Hi.

Hey!

I'm glad you're here. I got something for you.

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Dad!

Got you a little helmet.

- Please wear the helmet. - Of course.

This is so cool.

What's up?

I have to tell you something.

Okay.

So…

Bye-bye.