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Young & Lesbian
Young & Hungry (720p) S01E03 [KoTuWa]
1
00:00:07,874 --> 00:00:13,045
Elliot, stop giving me
your "you're totally going
to mess this up" stare.
2
00:00:13,047 --> 00:00:16,715
Then you stop making
your "I'm totally
going to mess this up" face.
3
00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:22,755
Do you know how important
this is? Logan rawlings
is coming to dinner.
4
00:00:22,757 --> 00:00:24,757
We are talking
about the editor
5
00:00:24,759 --> 00:00:28,761
She decides who gets on the
"thirty under thirty" list.
6
00:00:28,763 --> 00:00:31,230
We know, elliot.
You talk about that list
7
00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:33,832
More than you talk about your
dream date with anderson cooper.
8
00:00:35,335 --> 00:00:38,270
And if josh doesn't get on
the list, he'll be devastated!
9
00:00:38,272 --> 00:00:41,006
He's twenty-nine,
this is his last shot.
10
00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:42,841
Imagine the pressure he's under.
11
00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:45,844
Elliot, why don't you be a
little less crouching tiger,
12
00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:47,980
And a little more hidden dragon?
13
00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:52,351
What's going on?
14
00:00:52,353 --> 00:00:54,887
Hey, josh,
everything's under control.
15
00:00:54,889 --> 00:00:56,922
Okay, good. Because do you
know how important this is?
16
00:00:56,924 --> 00:01:01,360
- Logan rawlings--
- ( laughs ) we know! We know!
17
00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:03,395
Do you also know how
devastated elliot will be
18
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,197
If I don't get on this list?
19
00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:07,833
I'm twenty-nine,
he's my publicist.
This is his last shot.
20
00:01:08,435 --> 00:01:10,169
Can you imagine
the pressure he's under?
21
00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:12,304
Yeah, I live paycheck
to paycheck.
22
00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:14,206
I know a thing or two
about pressure.
23
00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:17,276
Will you let her finish cooking?
24
00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:18,410
- ( doorbell rings )
- she's here!
25
00:01:22,282 --> 00:01:26,018
Hi, I'm logan. And I'm not in
the mood to explain my tattoos.
26
00:01:27,487 --> 00:01:31,824
I'm yolanda. And I'm not
in the mood to show you mine.
27
00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:39,131
Elliot park. An honor
to meet san francisco's
legendary taste-maker.
28
00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:41,266
Aw, I hate kiss-asses.
29
00:01:42,469 --> 00:01:45,804
Almost as much as
I love them. Two times.
30
00:01:47,874 --> 00:01:50,442
Wow. Look at this place.
31
00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:55,013
Painting, love. View, love.
32
00:01:55,015 --> 00:01:57,282
Pillow, hate.
33
00:02:01,387 --> 00:02:04,556
That's why they
call it a throw pillow.
34
00:02:05,592 --> 00:02:08,460
Can I interest you
in a cinnamon toast-tini
35
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:10,295
With actual
crushed-up cinnamon toast?
36
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,965
Doubtful.
37
00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:16,468
Mmmm. I want a recipe,
a photo and another.
38
00:02:17,437 --> 00:02:19,037
And here's the man of the hour!
39
00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:22,341
Good evening, logan.
Welcome to casa kaminski.
40
00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:25,010
Cheers.
41
00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:26,078
( laughs )
42
00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:28,046
Wow. Impressive.
43
00:02:28,048 --> 00:02:29,548
Yep. That coulda
gone either way.
44
00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:33,519
You know, I have to say,
you're the most
handsome tech guy
45
00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:34,853
I've interviewed
for my list.
46
00:02:34,855 --> 00:02:37,089
Oh, well, I have to say,
47
00:02:37,091 --> 00:02:39,858
Can you repeat that
into my phone so I
can use it as a ringtone?
48
00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:41,927
( laughs loudly )
49
00:02:44,297 --> 00:02:46,165
May I escort you
to the terrace?
50
00:02:47,934 --> 00:02:50,035
Oh, what's this?
51
00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:53,138
Oh. Well, you know
how at costco they have
all those free samples?
52
00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:58,110
- I don't.
- Well, they do. ( laughs )
53
00:02:58,112 --> 00:03:00,045
And I call 'em "stor'd'oeuvres."
54
00:03:00,047 --> 00:03:02,981
If you take enough of them,
they make a full meal.
55
00:03:02,983 --> 00:03:05,284
And yet when I take 'em,
they call security.
56
00:03:07,387 --> 00:03:09,521
Well, I thought in honor of your
"thirty under thirty" list,
57
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:12,991
I made thirty different
perfect samples
of san francisco cuisine.
58
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:14,493
( laughs ) get it?
59
00:03:14,495 --> 00:03:17,095
( laughs ) yeah,
I went to harvard.
60
00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:19,565
I have a sweatshirt from there.
61
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:23,101
Your parents must be so proud.
62
00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:24,136
Get out!
63
00:03:24,138 --> 00:03:26,905
So, tell me,
64
00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:31,076
How does a tall, handsome
internet mogul with great hair
get his start?
65
00:03:31,078 --> 00:03:33,178
Oh, the way we all do.
66
00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:35,847
You get shoved into a locker
by a football player.
67
00:03:35,849 --> 00:03:38,917
( laughing loudly )
68
00:03:50,029 --> 00:03:52,397
Oh! Dinner was superb.
69
00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:57,469
That last spoon of salted
caramel creme brulee was so rich
it should have a trophy wife.
70
00:03:58,871 --> 00:04:00,572
Well, I'm sorry
you have to skedaddle.
71
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,641
And that I said, "skedaddle."
72
00:04:03,643 --> 00:04:05,477
Why don't I walk you out?
73
00:04:05,479 --> 00:04:07,446
- Nice meeting you.
- Nice to meet you.
74
00:04:09,515 --> 00:04:11,950
So, what do you
think of my boy?
75
00:04:11,952 --> 00:04:14,519
( laughs) look, I don't
post my list until Friday,
76
00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:16,288
But I wouldn't worry about it
if I were you.
77
00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:18,557
- You wouldn't?
- No. He's not on it.
78
00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:23,228
But-- what-- you-- but-- why?!
79
00:04:23,230 --> 00:04:25,364
There's a lot
of great candidates.
80
00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:28,900
You're not the only stuck-up
publicist I'm dealing with.
81
00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:33,505
No, no! There's got
to be something I can do.
82
00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:35,607
- Anything!
- Uh, nothing.
83
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,109
I mean, unless you
could get me a date.
84
00:04:37,111 --> 00:04:40,279
Oh, believe me,
no one knows the pain
85
00:04:40,281 --> 00:04:42,948
Of not having josh
more than I do.
86
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:45,317
But, unfortunately,
he's engaged.
87
00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:49,087
- Not josh.
- ( laughs) well,
I'm flattered, logan,
88
00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:50,656
- But I'm not really--
- not you.
89
00:04:51,991 --> 00:04:53,492
That cute little blonde.
90
00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:56,295
Oh.
91
00:04:57,230 --> 00:05:01,400
Gabi?
With the pots and pans?
92
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:04,002
And the cute dimples
and great legs.
93
00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:07,306
Any chance she's single and gay?
94
00:05:07,308 --> 00:05:10,242
Uh, she's
definitely single.
95
00:05:11,477 --> 00:05:13,645
And now that
I think about it,
96
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,614
She doesn't have
a girlfriend.
97
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:19,551
- You don't say?
- Oh, I say.
98
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:22,521
I say because it's true.
99
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:27,592
You put josh on your
"thirty under thirty" list
100
00:05:27,594 --> 00:05:31,430
And I'll put gabi on
your girl-under-girl list.
101
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:37,102
- Deal.
- ( elevator dings )
102
00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:40,405
Crushed it! List made.
103
00:05:40,407 --> 00:05:41,673
What's the good news, my man?
104
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:45,310
Logan found someone in this room
very impressive.
105
00:05:45,312 --> 00:05:47,212
Yes!
106
00:05:47,214 --> 00:05:49,414
Thirty under thirty!
107
00:05:49,416 --> 00:05:50,749
I'm gonna go call caroline
and tell her the good news.
108
00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:54,486
You do that! Go you! Whoo-hoo!
109
00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:56,722
- We have a situation.
- We do?
110
00:05:56,724 --> 00:06:00,492
Josh is not the
shoo-in he thinks he is.
The competition is very stiff.
111
00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:03,195
Oh! Why does the competition
always have to be stiff?
112
00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:04,529
- Why can't it be limp and--
- zip it!
113
00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,732
- Sorry!
- Here's the deal.
114
00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:10,635
I made arrangements for you
to take logan out to drinks
and talk josh up.
115
00:06:10,637 --> 00:06:12,738
( scoffs ) me? Why me?
116
00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:18,510
For reasons I cannot explain,
logan has taken a liking to you.
117
00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:20,712
Maybe it's your cooking,
your style.
118
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:24,449
Or the fact that you're a woman
and she wants a woman...
119
00:06:24,451 --> 00:06:27,285
...'s point of view.
120
00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:30,088
How cool is that!
Okay, I'm in.
121
00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:32,057
For free drinks,
I'd even talk you up.
122
00:06:34,460 --> 00:06:36,528
Just don't forget
to flatter her.
123
00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:38,263
Oh, you got it.
124
00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:40,665
For josh, I will charm
the pants off her.
125
00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:42,768
That is what I'm hoping.
126
00:06:48,708 --> 00:06:51,176
God, you smell good.
What is it?
127
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:53,311
Oh, it's the September
issue of vogue.
128
00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:55,180
I just put it on the floor
and roll around on it.
129
00:06:56,482 --> 00:06:58,617
A natural blonde
and a sense of humor?
130
00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:00,585
- You're a dream.
- ( chuckles )
131
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:01,586
I'm so glad you
wanted to go out.
132
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,655
Are you kidding?
I'm so flattered.
133
00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:05,590
You're the most successful woman
I've ever been out with.
134
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:07,659
Look, I hope you're
not intimidated by me.
135
00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:09,694
I just want you to be able
to tell me anything.
136
00:07:09,696 --> 00:07:12,564
Let me just start off
by saying josh is amazing.
137
00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:16,802
I mean, for somebody
who's famous for creating
award-winning apps and software,
138
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:18,570
- He's totally down to--
- enough about josh.
139
00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:20,639
--Earth.
140
00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:24,709
- Okay, can I just tell you
one more... Thing?
- Shhh. Shhh. Shhhhhhh!
141
00:07:24,711 --> 00:07:28,246
My mom used to do this to me
when I talked too much.
( laughs )
142
00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,816
I just wanted
to change the subject.
143
00:07:30,818 --> 00:07:33,251
Mom never did that.
144
00:07:33,253 --> 00:07:37,389
Um, what exactly did elliot
tell you about me?
145
00:07:37,391 --> 00:07:41,126
Just that you were single
and I had a chance.
146
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,195
( laughs nervously )
147
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,531
You know what?
I could really use a drink.
148
00:07:46,533 --> 00:07:48,433
How about a scotch
on the rocks?
149
00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:52,504
Oh! You're just like me.
I love a good hard liquor.
150
00:07:59,111 --> 00:08:01,346
( phone rings )
151
00:08:03,549 --> 00:08:05,650
Gabi, my favorite chef,
how's it going?
152
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:10,522
Elliot, you set me up
on a date with a woman?
153
00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:15,360
- I am not gay!
- I said that
about myself for years.
154
00:08:15,362 --> 00:08:17,262
What were you thinking?
155
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:19,231
Josh wasn't going to get
on the list
156
00:08:19,233 --> 00:08:20,632
Unless you went
on a date with logan.
157
00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:22,501
She made that very clear.
158
00:08:22,503 --> 00:08:24,536
Why didn't you just tell me
that from the start?
159
00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:27,606
If I'd asked you
to go on a lesbian date,
would you have gone?
160
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:29,207
No!
161
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:31,309
You gave me no choice then,
did you?
162
00:08:32,311 --> 00:08:34,546
Look, you're josh's last chance.
163
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:37,782
So be funny, kiss her ass,
164
00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:40,619
Or any other body part
you feel comfortable with.
165
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:44,556
Elliot, I hate you
so much right now.
166
00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:45,757
The next time I see you,
I'm gonna--
167
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:49,761
- Hey! ( laughs )
- god, you're cute.
168
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:53,698
( chuckles ) no, I'm not!
You should see me
without makeup.
169
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:57,903
- Arf, arf.
- I bet you're fetching.
Get it?
170
00:08:57,905 --> 00:09:01,540
Remember that time
where you said that we
could take things slow?
171
00:09:01,542 --> 00:09:04,309
Oh, you don't? I do.
( chuckles nervously )
172
00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:06,645
Done. You know what? Listen.
Let's just take sex
off the table.
173
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:11,550
( coughs ) yes, let's
take it off all the surfaces.
174
00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:15,287
I mean, I think on a first date
all you really need
to do is kiss.
175
00:09:15,289 --> 00:09:17,856
- Talk!
- I mean, how else do you
get to know each other
176
00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:19,624
- If you don't kiss--
- talk. I think--
177
00:09:19,626 --> 00:09:21,626
I think talking is
really the way to go here.
178
00:09:21,628 --> 00:09:23,595
You know, with talking--
I wanna know more about you!
179
00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:25,797
You know, like,
what makes you laugh?
What makes you cry?
180
00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:28,466
Do you recycle? Have you
been to washington, dc?
181
00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:32,804
Logan, I can't do this.
182
00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:35,240
I'm really sorry.
183
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,342
I thought we were having fun.
184
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:40,812
- Don't you find me attractive?
- Yeah, totally.
You're beautiful.
185
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:44,482
And if I were into girls,
right now we would be planning
186
00:09:44,484 --> 00:09:47,385
Our fly-fishing
honeymoon trip to montana.
187
00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:48,787
Whoop!
188
00:09:50,289 --> 00:09:52,524
- Wait, you're straight?
- Oh, so straight.
189
00:09:52,526 --> 00:09:55,860
Well, then why did elliot
tell me that you were--
190
00:09:55,862 --> 00:10:00,565
Oh, god,
to get josh on the list.
191
00:10:00,567 --> 00:10:02,801
Yeah. Listen, I didn't
even know this was a date,
192
00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:05,270
Until your hand
was on my thigh.
193
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,273
Though I probably should've
194
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:12,444
Realized that sooner,
considering there's
only women here.
195
00:10:12,446 --> 00:10:14,813
This is one of the most
humiliating moments of my life.
196
00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:17,515
Oh, man.
Logan, I feel terrible.
197
00:10:17,517 --> 00:10:19,985
It's not your fault.
It's my therapist.
198
00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:24,255
My girlfriend just broke up
with me and he told me
to get back out there.
199
00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:26,391
( sobbing ) as you can see,
it's going really well.
200
00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:28,593
No, no, don't-- don't cry.
It's gonna be okay.
201
00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:31,630
We were together for two years,
and then she dumped me
out of nowhere.
202
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:34,599
And she won't answer
my calls or my texts,
203
00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:35,934
And she won't even
pick up her stuff.
204
00:10:37,269 --> 00:10:38,536
How much stuff
are we talkin'?
205
00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:41,373
A lot.
Not to mention her cat.
206
00:10:41,375 --> 00:10:45,744
She left her cat?
You wanna know why?
207
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:47,912
Because it has one eye
and wears a diaper?
208
00:10:47,914 --> 00:10:50,849
No. Because she wants
a reason to come back.
209
00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:53,585
- She does?
- Yeah, she left a door open.
210
00:10:53,587 --> 00:10:55,487
A little kitty door.
211
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:56,888
I'm gonna push her through it.
212
00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:58,823
How are you going to do that?
213
00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:01,493
You're going on a date
with a lesbian?
214
00:11:01,495 --> 00:11:03,828
Well, technically,
I've already been on
a date with a lesbian.
215
00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:05,964
This would be the second.
216
00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:07,732
We just did drinks, and now
we're moving on to dinner.
217
00:11:07,734 --> 00:11:10,368
Oh, you must really like her.
218
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:14,572
Ha-ha. This time we're just
doing it so we can make
logan's ex-girlfriend jealous
219
00:11:14,574 --> 00:11:18,343
So she can get her back, in
exchange for josh getting on
her "thirty under thirty" list.
220
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:21,446
Wow. I went to work today,
made hazelnut coffee,
221
00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:24,015
A couple phone calls,
had my boss's shoes resoled.
222
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:27,452
You went to work
and had two lesbian dates
with logan rawlings,
223
00:11:27,454 --> 00:11:29,454
The editor
of san francisco monthly.
224
00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:34,592
( chuckles ) I know.
Oh, and make sure
you don't eat anything,
225
00:11:34,594 --> 00:11:36,094
Because I know we're
gonna go someplace really fancy
226
00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:37,629
And I'll bring
you back a nice entree.
227
00:11:37,631 --> 00:11:40,498
- Ooh, and an
overpriced dessert?
- Duh.
228
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,634
Okay. Now, do I look hot?
229
00:11:42,636 --> 00:11:46,371
If you were somebody's
ex-girlfriend and you saw her
walk in with me wearing this,
230
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:49,541
- Would you wanna get her back?
- Mmm, depends.
231
00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,710
Why did we break up?
Have we really worked
through our issues?
232
00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:54,546
Has she changed? Because I
don't want to end up with her
233
00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:56,014
In the same place
a year from now.
234
00:11:57,817 --> 00:12:02,053
- Tell me I look hot!
- You look hot.
I won't wait up.
235
00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:10,795
( laughs) I can't believe
your ex works
at judy green's restaurant.
236
00:12:10,797 --> 00:12:12,630
She's like the coolest
chef in san francisco.
237
00:12:12,632 --> 00:12:13,865
I've been dying
to come here.
238
00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:15,934
My ex is judy green.
239
00:12:17,503 --> 00:12:20,105
What?!
You got dumped by judy green?
240
00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:21,406
That is so cool!
241
00:12:22,942 --> 00:12:25,477
My usual table.
242
00:12:25,479 --> 00:12:29,581
Um, you're paying, right? I
could never afford to eat here.
243
00:12:29,583 --> 00:12:32,150
I know. I saw your place
when I picked you up.
244
00:12:34,553 --> 00:12:36,921
Oh, this is great.
We can see the kitchen
window from here.
245
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:38,656
( gasps ) and there's judy.
246
00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:41,659
Stuffing those sausages
without a hint of irony.
247
00:12:42,862 --> 00:12:45,830
- Isn't she pretty?
- Yes, but you're prettier.
248
00:12:45,832 --> 00:12:47,799
Okay, now all we have to do
is get her attention.
249
00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:51,736
Whatever I say, laugh like
I'm hilarious and adorable.
250
00:12:51,738 --> 00:12:55,840
I'm ordering two appetizers
and an entree for my friend.
251
00:12:55,842 --> 00:12:58,877
( forced laughter )
252
00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:01,913
- She's not looking.
- Okay, you're
a little impatient.
253
00:13:01,915 --> 00:13:04,983
I can see why judy
might've left.
254
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:07,652
- Hey!
- I'm sorry.
255
00:13:07,654 --> 00:13:10,588
Okay, let's kick it up a notch.
Take a selfie of us.
256
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:11,723
Ooh, I like your
phone case.
257
00:13:11,725 --> 00:13:13,658
Gwen stefani gave it to me.
258
00:13:15,761 --> 00:13:17,796
( camera shutter clicks )
259
00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:21,166
Okay. Now tweet it and write
"hashtag best date ever"
260
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:24,035
With three
dancing heart emojis.
261
00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:28,473
In high school,
they used to call me
emoji-wan kenobi.
262
00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:30,642
- ( phone makes
whistling sound )
- logan: She's not looking.
263
00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:32,510
I don't think she has
a phone in the kitchen.
264
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,879
- What are we gonna do now?
- All right, don't worry.
265
00:13:34,881 --> 00:13:38,116
I have one more trick
up my sleeve. Judy!
266
00:13:40,052 --> 00:13:41,986
See? Works every time.
267
00:13:47,526 --> 00:13:49,861
Bam!
268
00:13:49,863 --> 00:13:52,964
I just pre-ordered five hundred
copies of san francisco monthly.
269
00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:55,633
You know that old saying,
270
00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:58,503
"don't buy a bunch of magazines
before you make the list?"
271
00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:01,873
- ( laughs) yeah, okay.
- ( phone makes
whistling sound )
272
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:06,244
It's a tweet from logan.
Maybe giving me a little
sneak peek of the list.
273
00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:10,515
- What the hell is this?
- It's hot tea.
You just asked me to get it.
274
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,083
Not that. This!
275
00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:15,620
Oh! ( stammering )
that's-- that's
called a "selfie."
276
00:14:15,622 --> 00:14:17,155
All the kids are doing it.
277
00:14:17,157 --> 00:14:19,591
Yeah but why are logan and gabi
doing it, together?
278
00:14:19,593 --> 00:14:23,027
Do any of us really know why
anyone does anything?
279
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:26,698
It says,
"hashtag best date ever."
280
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:29,968
Oh, hashtag
I did not see that coming.
281
00:14:31,637 --> 00:14:34,172
Elliot, what's going on?
282
00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:36,741
That's exactly what
I would like to know.
283
00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:40,245
As soon as gabi gets here
tomorrow, that's my first
question for that girl.
284
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:44,215
- I'm calling her.
- No!
285
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:47,852
Look, I didn't want
to have to tell you this, but
you weren't getting on the list.
286
00:14:47,854 --> 00:14:52,624
- What?
- Which is why gabi decided
to go on a date with logan.
287
00:14:52,626 --> 00:14:55,627
She wanted to do everything
she could to make it happen.
288
00:14:55,629 --> 00:14:59,931
- I couldn't stop her.
- Oh, please!
289
00:14:59,933 --> 00:15:03,167
Let me get some bread
to go with that bologna!
290
00:15:04,703 --> 00:15:06,337
You pimped out my chef?
291
00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:09,007
Yes! And I did it for you!
292
00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:11,576
For me? You mean for you.
293
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:14,045
Because you're the one
who's been obsessed with
getting me on that list.
294
00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:19,884
Oh, please. You just
bought five hundred
copies of a magazine
295
00:15:19,886 --> 00:15:23,621
- You're not even in!
- Admit it. You both
wanted to get on that list.
296
00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:26,057
- Both: For him!
- What about her?
297
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:27,759
- Both: Who?
- Gabi!
298
00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,961
Oh!
299
00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:32,263
( laughs )
300
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:36,567
At least when josh fires you,
you can add pimp to your resume.
301
00:15:42,574 --> 00:15:45,843
- Why isn't she coming
over here?
- Oh, she will.
302
00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:49,180
Now, you feed me a bite
and I'll feed you.
303
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:55,586
Oh, my god,
that is so good!
304
00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:58,356
You know what's really gonna bug
her? You just keep feeding me.
305
00:16:02,861 --> 00:16:05,163
She's coming over here!
What do we do?
306
00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:07,165
Um, okay, don't worry.
307
00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:09,100
Sit back,
let my plan play out.
308
00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:11,069
She's gonna come over,
get super mad,
309
00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:12,904
Say she wants you back,
and kick me out.
310
00:16:12,906 --> 00:16:15,907
So I'm just gonna keep eating
while I have the chance.
311
00:16:15,909 --> 00:16:18,743
Logan, what are you doing?
Is this some pathetic attempt
312
00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:22,613
- At making me jealous?
- That depends. Is it working?
313
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,383
Logan? Hey, gabi.
314
00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:29,687
- Uh, josh,
what are you doing here?
- Saving you.
315
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:31,889
Look, you don't have to
pretend to be a lesbian
to get me on the list.
316
00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:33,658
- Uh-oh.
- You're straight?
317
00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:38,129
No! Jeez, somebody's gaydar's
on the fritz!
318
00:16:38,131 --> 00:16:39,397
I think you're
the one who's straight.
319
00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:43,901
I love women and boobs
and chopping firewood.
320
00:16:43,903 --> 00:16:45,903
Then what's he talking about?
321
00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:49,007
I don't know. He's just
some jealous ex-boyfriend.
322
00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:51,242
He's the person that I slept
with who made me realize
323
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:55,179
That I am so over men and
way into the lady business.
324
00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:57,949
- Oh, god.
- I don't know what's happening.
325
00:16:57,951 --> 00:17:00,818
I do. This is a ruse.
326
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:04,155
- You're not gay.
- Oh, yeah?
327
00:17:12,731 --> 00:17:15,666
Oh, my god.
You are on a date?
328
00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:18,236
How could you do this to me?!
You never had time for me.
329
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:20,671
And now you bring another woman
into my restaurant?
330
00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:24,042
Oh, please! You're the one
who left me so you could
focus on your career.
331
00:17:24,044 --> 00:17:27,712
How would you even know?
You were always asleep
when I got home from work.
332
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:32,050
- Who goes to bed that early?
- Someone who drinks
a whole bottle of syrah
333
00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:33,451
Waiting for her girlfriend
to get home.
334
00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:37,021
I never want
to see you again!
335
00:17:37,023 --> 00:17:38,089
You're dead to me!
336
00:17:42,261 --> 00:17:44,395
Great plan, gabi.
Worked like a charm.
337
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:48,332
Well, the making her
really mad part worked.
338
00:17:52,871 --> 00:17:55,440
No. Let me get this. Please.
It's the least I can do.
339
00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:59,744
Thanks. This is the
worst night of my life.
340
00:18:00,846 --> 00:18:02,447
- ( choking )
- oh, my god, logan!
341
00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:04,248
- Are you okay?
- I think she's choking!
342
00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:07,351
Help! Anyone! We need one of
those paddle-y-thingamadoodads!
343
00:18:07,353 --> 00:18:10,421
- That's for a heart attack!
- Logan!
344
00:18:11,457 --> 00:18:15,193
- ( coughs, pants )
- are you okay?
345
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:17,829
Your entire life
just flashed before my eyes!
346
00:18:17,831 --> 00:18:19,730
Judy, you just
saved my life.
347
00:18:19,732 --> 00:18:21,732
Oh, god. When I said
you were dead to me,
348
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:24,001
I didn't want you
to really be "dead" dead.
349
00:18:24,003 --> 00:18:27,038
That's so romantic.
350
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,307
Next time you're drinking
from a bottle of syrah,
351
00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:31,442
It'll be a bottle I bring home
from the restaurant.
352
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:36,280
Oh. Just be sure
to be home before nine.
I like to go to bed early.
353
00:18:40,018 --> 00:18:43,187
Oh, on the way home tonight,
we need to buy more cat diapers.
354
00:18:43,189 --> 00:18:46,324
Oh! I've waited so long
to hear those words.
355
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,528
How lucky
are we that she choked?
356
00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:52,497
Pretty lucky.
357
00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:54,532
( laughs ) that was genius.
358
00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:57,768
- What was genius?
- His plan.
359
00:18:57,770 --> 00:19:00,872
What-- ( gasps ) no! Josh!
360
00:19:00,874 --> 00:19:03,107
I was so worried!
You had me scared to death!
361
00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:05,610
( laughs ) I know.
You were great.
You really sold that.
362
00:19:05,612 --> 00:19:07,445
- Thanks.
- ( mocking laugh )
363
00:19:08,547 --> 00:19:11,048
Hey, gabi. I autographed
my cookbook for you.
364
00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:13,951
Oh, thank you!
"eating out with judy green."
365
00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:15,486
Oh, that's clever.
366
00:19:17,289 --> 00:19:21,926
"stay away from my girlfriend
or I'll cut you."
367
00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:24,362
She is lovely.
368
00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:27,031
Hey, gabi,
thanks for everything.
369
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:30,201
Oh, sure.
And just before you go,
370
00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:32,436
Um, not that I care, at all,
371
00:19:32,438 --> 00:19:36,574
But, you know, out of curiosity,
how was, um-- um...
372
00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:40,111
- How was the kiss?
- Garlicky.
373
00:19:41,213 --> 00:19:43,881
- But great.
- Oh, good.
374
00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:45,383
And josh, I owe you one.
375
00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:48,486
We're even.
376
00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:49,854
Seriously, I don't need
to be on your list.
377
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:52,523
Good to know.
Later, guys.
378
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:56,594
Bye! What is wrong with you?!
379
00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:58,229
"I don't need to be
on the list?"
380
00:19:58,231 --> 00:20:00,464
Do you know how hard
I worked to get you
on that list?
381
00:20:00,466 --> 00:20:02,567
I went on a date
with that woman,
382
00:20:02,569 --> 00:20:04,268
And I gave her
the best kiss of her life.
383
00:20:04,270 --> 00:20:06,037
You heard her,
she raved about it!
384
00:20:07,506 --> 00:20:10,107
And I appreciate that.
385
00:20:10,109 --> 00:20:13,578
Man, did I appreciate that.
386
00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:15,513
But I realized I don't
need to be on some list
387
00:20:15,515 --> 00:20:16,881
To validate who I am.
388
00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:18,082
I've got a porsche for that.
389
00:20:20,619 --> 00:20:23,521
But I can't believe
what you did for me back there.
390
00:20:23,523 --> 00:20:26,257
So I want to do
something nice for you.
Whatever you want. Name it.
391
00:20:26,259 --> 00:20:31,529
- Can I drive your porsche?
- ( laughs ) let's be real.
392
00:20:39,938 --> 00:20:41,572
Whoops.
393
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,407
Could you please be a dear
and pass me back
394
00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:45,376
That san francisco monthly?
395
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:53,017
Oh! I'm such
a butterfingers!
396
00:20:53,019 --> 00:20:55,519
Why don't you have a peek
at page forty-seven?
397
00:20:55,521 --> 00:20:57,888
Elliot, I'm done
with the list.
398
00:20:57,890 --> 00:21:00,591
- I don't want to see it.
- Just have a little peek.
399
00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:03,194
A peekaboo. A peekaroony.
A pekinese.
400
00:21:03,196 --> 00:21:06,430
I don't give a shih tzu.
I'm over it.
401
00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:08,566
Would you look
at the damn magazine!
402
00:21:08,568 --> 00:21:12,169
You're number five!
( laughs )
403
00:21:12,171 --> 00:21:14,171
- No.
- No?
404
00:21:14,173 --> 00:21:16,207
- We're number five.
- Both: We did it!
405
00:21:17,309 --> 00:21:18,509
What's going on in here?
406
00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:19,944
Both: We made the list!
407
00:21:19,946 --> 00:21:21,012
We did it!
408
00:21:21,014 --> 00:21:24,548
♪ thirty under thirty
409
00:21:24,550 --> 00:21:24,548
♫ thirty under thirty
33057
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