All language subtitles for Shameless S10E10 Now Leaving Illinois

I understand
we all have busy lives.

Sometimes you miss an episode
for the little things in life,

like a heart transplant

or a multiple murder
in the family,

but there should
be no damn reason on Earth

that I have to tell you
what you missed last week

on "Shameless."

Hmm.

Do we really need
a piece of paper

from the state
to say that I'm committed?

I'm committed.

Maybe one day I will want
to get married,

but in the meantime,
I love you.

I'm not saying never.

No, you're saying
you don't love me enough now.

Can I impose on you
to do me a favor?

- Of course. What?
- Great.

Um, can you pick Julia up
after school?

- Julia?
- My kid.

I decided you might just
be interesting after all.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That was not cool.

Let's just say you are
overqualified for this group.

I think I've got somewhere
better suited for your talent.

The academy, sir?

How do you feel about trash?

Now that you remember exactly
how you destroyed Kyle's life,

I can get on with
making you pay for it.

Filling me full of Oxy?

Mm, I need you
in an opioid coma,

but not, you know, dead.

Sir, step out
of the car.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Hey.

Tami.

Tam. Tami, Tami, here,
it's your phone.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, handsome.

Oh, good morning.

Ah.

What's the emergency?

Salon run out
of hair dye?

No, it's my family
group text.

Dad wants us home
for a family meeting.

"Us," like you
and your sisters?

"Us," like you, too.

You're a baby daddy,
so you're a Tamietti now.

Oh.

You're going.

Do-do-do-do-do-do.

Here you go.

- An omelet with...
- Oh.

Asparagus, mushrooms,

and cheese from a goat.

Sounds weird, but it's
actually pretty good.

You're amazing.

It's just an omelet.

It's beautiful.

You're beautiful.

I love having you around.

I love being around.

Gonna hop in the shower.

Sounds good, honey.

Mmm.

Uh, I'm gonna go
call home real quick,

just to check on Franny.

- Okay.
- Be right back.

Okay.

Jesus Christ.

You're never gonna fix
the fucking thing, Byron.

No one that rides a Vespa
can fix anything.

Something happen to your
little bike thingy?

Yeah.

It's a Vespa, and...

it stopped working
all of a sudden.

Oh, weird.

What the hell
are you doing here?

I came to drop off
some of the stuff

you left at my place.

That it?

And I was hoping
that we could talk.

In private.

You know, anything
you got to say to me,

you can say in front of the...
love of my life, Byron.

Mickey.

Okay.

- It was a mistake coming.
- Yeah.

Hey, Ian,

you want to come check out
a show tomorrow?

Jesus Christ.

Read the fucking room, Byron.

- Show?
- Yeah.

It's the Imperial Mammoth.

I don't know if you've
heard about them.

They're--they're, like,
my favorite band right now.

Wait. Wait, yeah, yeah.

They're the, uh,
the hipster shit

with the suspenders
and the--the harp

and all that, huh?

Yeah, you're going to that?

I can get you
on the list, too.

I mean, I don't know if you
need a plus-one or whatever--

Nah, no.
He don't need a plus-one.

Trust me, he's got a lot
of, uh, what'd you say,

"personal work"
you needed to do

before you'd be ready
to play the field?

No. No.

Uh, actually,

I just took a page
out of your playbook

and attached myself to
the first swinging dick I saw.

We barely know each other,
but, pfft...

man, it has been
a fairy tale so far.

It's actually
why I came here

is, uh...

Looks like we both moved on,

so no reason for things
to be awkward, right?

Congrats.

Yeah, it all happened
so fast,

but when you know,
you know.

Right?

Liam Gallagher.

- Sit down.

We don't have current proof
of residency on file for you.

- So?
- So...

how are we supposed to know
you ain't committing fraud

so you can go to this school?

You think someone
would commit fraud

to attend this shithole?

My job is tied to how much
paperwork is completed

and how many files are current,

so if your dad,
Francis Gallagher,

could just bring us a copy
of his valid state-issued ID.

He doesn't have
a valid state ID.

Okay, then copies of two
utility bills in his name.

All right, then he's gonna have
to come in and sign this form

attesting to his residence.

If we don't get this, I'll
have to remove you from school

while we investigate this
as a fraud case.

A vacation from this school?

What's the downside?

Any student removed from school

triggers
an automatic review by CPS.

See the downside
of a month or two

in a state-run group home?

- You Carl?
- Yeah.

Where are your gloves?
Jesus, rookie.

Think you can sling trash
without protection?

You'll tear your hands
to shreds.

Those are just loaners, though.
I want 'em back.

What are you doing
on a garbage route, kid?

How'd you get this job?

Someone recommended me.

Ah.

Friends in high places, huh?

So where do we start?

With breakfast.

Okay, when you get home,

here's what you're gonna
want to do.

You're gonna want to do
the rice method.

That's where you take
your entire foot

and submerge it
into a bag of rice.

That's not it.
RICE is an acronym.

No, it's not.

What's an acronym?

Rest, ice, compress, elevate.

R-I-C-E.

One of us is a trained
medical professional,

and one of us fucked her
ankle up running through a park

trying to catch a Pokémon
with her phone.

I know who I'd trust
in this situation.

That'll be $20 for the ankle
and $20 for the abortion.

Thank you.
Here, let me help you out.

Thank you. Come again.

- Kev.
- Yeah?

The girls made it
to the next round

of the Eldridge Academy
application process.

We're preapproved for a full
financial aid package

if we get in, and they invited
us to the charity auction.

That's a good sign,
right?

Isn't it a little early
to talk about kindergarten?

Not at all.

It's super competitive,
and it's only a year away.

Plus, I thought
you wanted us to apply.

I did, but that's because
I thought we'd be rejected...

so the school would
be the asshole and not me.

V, wh--our girls--

what if they don't fit in
at Eldridge?

There's all those rich kids.

It's diverse,

politically progressive,
and safe.

You want the girls going
to Coolidge?

A second-grader got caught

going through
the metal detector

with a machete last week.

A machete, Kev.

Maybe he had dense foliage
to clear after school.

We're getting the girls
into Eldridge.

Okay. How?

By being active,
reliable, and engaged.

That means going to everything
they invite us to,

like this auction.

What the hell are we gonna buy
at an auction?

We don't have to buy
anything.

We just need to show up.

I'll RSVP.

That's not mine.

Or that.

Or that.

That is definitely not mine.

Oh, come on.

Use your common sense, fellas.

What could I even do
with all those drugs?

I admit I have
a healthy appetite,

but I'm only one man.

My guess is you
were gonna sell 'em.

Ask around.

Everyone'll tell you,
I'm a user, not a dealer.

None of this is mine.

It's a setup.

It's not even my car.

You don't say.

I-I do say.

Already ran
the plates, bub.

Car was reported stolen
four days ago.

Oh, you really
did a number on me, Faye.

You want to give us
a hand here?

Not really.

Breakfast is served.

You guys eat
out of the garbage?

Hey, these bagels
haven't been touched.

End of the night,
they just throw out

whatever they didn't sell.

Yeah, I don't know about that.

Eat.

We're the top garbage crew
in the city, Carl.

There's guys who worked
sanitation ten years,

die to get onto this route,

and you just show up
out of nowhere,

actin' like your shit
don't stink,

like you're too good
to eat a Dumpster bagel.

Strikes me
as a little suspicious.

Eat.

Except cinnamon raisin.
Those go to the boss man.

Jackpot.

Low-fat garden veggie.

Hey, man, so this, uh,
Tamietti family meeting thing?

- Yeah, we got that text, too.
- Right.

We don't actually have to--
to go, do we?

We absolutely have to go.

You got a kid
with a Tamietti.

Comes with
certain expectations.

I got a second one on the way,
so I'm, like, doubly obligated.

And the pain of sitting

through a family meeting
is nothing compared

to the passive-aggressive
ball-busting you're gonna get

if you don't go.

I missed a family meeting once,
like, three years ago.

They still call me
"No Show Brad."

So, uh...

you know, what am I supposed
to do during this meeting?

You know, do they expect me
to weigh in on shit?

No, not really.

No one expects you
to offer up your own opinions.

So, what, I just sit there?

No, just support your lady.

Nod a lot when Tami's talking

and then repeat
exactly what she says.

Works like a charm.

So be a yes-man.

- Absolutely. Yes away.
- All right.

It's the only way to survive
a Tamietti relationship.

Debbie!

Hey.

I have a quick question.

Do you want a job?

Here, with me?

Personal home assistant.

You know, cooking,
running errands,

maybe alphabetizing
hair products.

Anything that will keep you
in my house all day.

You don't think that'd
be kind of weird,

me working for you?

It doesn't have to be.

I'll pay you $30 an hour.

And you can drive
one of my cars.

The Audi or the, uh,
Range Rover.

You pick.

If you can't tell by now,

I'm, uh...

crazy about you.

How about I think about it?

Yeah. No pressure.

But say yes.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Shouldn't you be in school?

Got more important stuff to do.
Got to find Frank.

Why?

We couldn't find him
for most of 2005.

Then one day,
there he was,

passed out
on the kitchen floor.

He's like a cat.
He'll be back.

If I don't find him soon,

they're gonna
kick me out of school.

What are you doing?

Trying to find the right
Grindr profile picture.

None of the ones I put up
got any hits.

Grindr?

Aren't you still in love
with Mickey?

Yeah, I am.

But there was the whole
half-proposal thing

and the whole "him getting
a new boyfriend" thing

and the promise-ring thing,

and I'm desperate.

Now I stupidly told him that
I have a date for tomorrow,

and I actually
have to find one.

Sorry I asked.

Let me see those pictures.

These are putting me to sleep.

No one wants to date
their youth pastor

from their grandma's church.

- Jesus.
- You considered spicing it up?

Why not take your shirt off
or something?

I'm looking for a date,
not a hookup.

The way you're headed,

you're not gonna get
either one.

Give me that.

Maybe Frank's dead.

Better go call the morgue.

I didn't see it coming.

I was a fly caught in the web
the entire time,

and I didn't realize
I was trapped

until the spider
was already eating me.

You know you have the right
to remain silent, right?

Yeah, uh, I'm waiving
all of that.

Only a woman
could've done this.

Only a woman can lure you in,

make you feel
like the king of the castle,

and stab you in the back
all at the same time.

Show me your hands, please.

No. Uh, ears.

You got to do my ears first,
then my nose, then my mouth.

Shit. Sorry.
I'm--I'm kind of new at this.

Oh, that's all right, lad.

I'll walk you through it.

You--you want to hear the--
the real head trip, though?

I still kind of like her.

Her quest for revenge,

albeit bordering
on psychopathy,

is justified.

How can you be angry
at justifiable revenge?

You can't.

And her thoroughness

and her ruthless efficiency...

Ah.

...her attention to detail,

it's impressive,
don't you think?

What next?

The scrotum.

With the right testicular
configuration,

you can hide all kinds
of things under there.

The gooch is mankind's
marsupial pouch.

You remember that.

You know, if--if we'd met
under different circumstances

and I never got her soul mate
locked up for life,

things could've worked out
for us.

I think this is the part
where you spread your cheeks

and...cough?

Exactly right. You see?

You remember more than
you give yourself credit for.

Oh, she's good.

Pay attention.

That's overflowing.

Yo!
Car battery, paint thinner.

Prohibited items
and an overflowing can.

Leave it.

Wait. All of it?

I mean, it's just a few things.

We could pick through it.

Not our job to sort, man.

If we did it for 'em,
how are these fucking people

ever gonna learn?

The only way to teach 'em--
tough love.

Leave it.

Got to bend
with your knees, man.

You only get 7,000 waist-bends
in a lifetime.

Then what happens?

You die.

Hey.

My mom accidentally threw out
a bunch of sneakers--

expensive ones
I was gonna sell online.

Sorry to hear that, kid.

Can you help me get them out?

Oh, no.

Wh--why not?

I'm just that house
right down there.

They're probably still
near the top.

Safety issue.

Come on, bro.
You're killing me.

I'm gonna be out, like,
1,500 bucks.

Call the sanitation department,

tell 'em you lost something
on truck 3871.

They'll send someone
to look for you.

Yo.

This isn't truck 3871.

How slow are you, Carl?

Like, short-bus slow, or...

I guess regular.

Let's go fishing.

Chuck, step up.
Step right up.

Here you go, my friend.

- Enjoy.
- Oh...

More where that came from.

Don't think Frank's dead.

The morgue doesn't have
any record of him.

Well, don't be so sure.

Bodies can spend weeks
in Lake Michigan

before they finally
wash up on shore.

- Maybe he's a floater.

What's going on?

That shirtless picture's
getting me tons of attention.

- You were right.

Of course I was.

So was I.
None of these are for dates.

Dick pic.

Butthole pic.

Offer to eat my ass.

Dick pic.

Orgy invite.

Dick pic.

Wait.
No idea what that one is.

Oh, wait.
No, it's a dick.

Hold on.

This guy...

Cole,

says he's always
looking for an excuse

to put on his best outfit,
and he loves live music.

He's cute.
He seems normal.

Cool.

Hi.

Kevin Ball
and Veronica Fisher.

Uh, yep. You're all set.

You're lot 14.

Excuse me?

Lot 14.
The auction.

Lot 14?

That's when you'll get up
onstage to be auctioned.

- We're being auctioned?
- Mm-hmm.

V, V, we need to get
out of here right now.

I've seen this in movies.

Before you know it,
we're gonna be in the woods,

and we're gonna be chased down
by rich dudes

that hunt humans for sport.

Look, sweetie,

I shouldn't have to explain
to you

the problem of telling a woman
who looks like me

that she's up for auction.

Oh...

This is a date-night
fund-raising auction.

Applicant parents are auct--

Did you say "African"?

Uh, no.

No, um, applicant parents
are auctioned off.

Once the parents that buy you
get to know you,

they report back, let us know
if you're a good fit

for the Eldridge community.

The email explained everything.

When you RSVP'd,
you agreed to participate.

- Right. Got it.

Sorry for the confusion.

Hi.

We need to get out of here
while we still have a chance.

No Show Brad showed.

Guys, it's a Christmas miracle.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Thank you.
- All right, all right.

Everybody quiet down.

Let's get this meeting started.

First, the bad news.

Oopie and I discovered Nana

wandering the streets
of Milwaukee.

She was barefoot,
disoriented,

and by the time we caught up
with her,

she kept calling me Bing,

and she just wanted to sing
Christmas carols with Oopie.

We made the tough choice

of putting her
in a nursing home.

I told you we should've put her
in a home years ago.

I mean, thank God
we found her when we did.

We really should've put her
in that home five years ago.

Now for the good news.

Nana's house is empty,
no mortgage.

We could rent it out.

One of my clients did that
when her grandpa passed,

and it's, like, free money
every month.

Yeah, no.

We--we could always--
we could rent it out, you know?

Um, Tami's client
and the client's grandfather--

that's, you know--
you can make a lot of money.

That way--free money.

That's a possibility.

Or we could walk
a more Christian path.

Maybe we should use this turn
of events to demonstrate

Jesus's love for us
by helping family members

who are living
with difficult circumstances,

like a new mom working herself
to the bone to make ends meet

or a new dad
who has to cram his family

into a tiny, decrepit RV
in the backyard.

That's one idea,

an idea I am in favor of.

So, if anyone has a problem
with our suggestion,

now's the time to speak up.

If anyone has an issue
with us doing what's right,

walking the path our Lord
and Savior has laid out for us,

helping those
less fortunate than us,

speak now.

W--

So you're saying that--

We're giving you
Nana's house, sweetheart,

while you get back
on your feet.

So you're doing the mom
and the daughter?

'Cause that's hot.

No, it's not.

- It's going south fast.
- You're going south fast.

No, I'm serious.
It's stressing me out.

I almost got busted
this morning.

I'm starting to feel really
guilty about this whole thing.

No way, girl!

I hooked up with a father
and son once--it was awesome.

One of them is the baby daddy
of my third daughter,

and I have no clue which one.

Why don't you just take
a paternity test?

I just never had to,
'cause, like,

the dad was so afraid
of the wife finding out

that he just gave me
more child support

than the son ever could, so...

So is that child support
or hush money?

I mean, what's the difference?

Claudia, the mom,

she wants to pay me
30 bucks an hour

to basically just
sit around the house all day

and cook a little, clean,

run some errands.

Girl, I have done way worse
for $30, okay?

I have done...some foot stuff.

Like, a lot of foot stuff.

Yeah, so it's not really
just about the money for me.

The daughter,
I don't know.

She's really fun
and creative and smart

and surprisingly super bendy.

I'm so confused.

How is this even
a conversation?

You dump the kid,
and you stick with the money.

And after that,
we'll go back to our house,

grill up some steaks,

watch an action movie
of your choice

on our state-of-the-art
basement home theater.

Steaks and action movies.

Who doesn't love that?

All right, let's start
the bidding at $300.

- Do we have $300?
- $300.

$300, all right.
$400, $400?

What about $500?

- $500.
- $500. $500--we've got $500.

$550.
$550 going once.

$550 going twice.

- Sold, $550.

All right, Please welcome
the next couple up for auction,

lot number 14,

prospective parents
from the South Side,

Veronica Fisher
and Kevin Ball.

- Hi.

Hi, I'm Veronica.
This is Kevin.

We're the Balls, and, uh,
we are small-business owners,

and we can offer you guys

a night of free drinking
in our humble little bar.

We also have a newly
established medical practice,

where we could offer you
and your daughters

unlimited abo--

I also can provide you
with a personalized workout.

Uh, V and I are in pretty
good shape, so...

Take it off!

All right, a day of drinking

followed
by a personal workout--

Okay, Magic Mike.

Let's start
the bidding at $50.

Do we have $50?
All right, $100, $100.

- Do we have--
- $5,000.

$5,000? Is that what--

$5,000.

Can we please move away
from the truck?

You get used to it.

- Really?
- This?

This is about
as good as it gets.

It's not even hot out.

You should smell this shit
in July. Whoo!

Remember that time
we ate Indian food

with the corpse in the truck?

60% decomposed.

When the compactor
hit it--splat!

- Like tomatoes.
- Still finished our marsala.

- We're finishing up.

Give us a second.
We'll move.

All right, all right.
Hold your horses.

Move it up,
move it up.

Got a man in a hurry.

Come on back.
Cut it hard.

- That's awesome.
- Oh!

Fuck that guy. Whoo.

You got five minutes.

I told them we were married.

Slipped 'em 50
to bring you to me.

Well, you wasted your money,

'cause I'm not talking to you.

This is how
it had to be, Frank.

I need you to understand

exactly what's
gonna happen and why.

They found enough
prescription pills on you

to put you away for 30 years.

I expect you'll spend
the rest of your life

in a maximum-security prison,

just like my dear,
sweet Kyle.

Any way around it?

Justice is justice,

and you got what you deserve.

Will you come visit me
in the big house?

Take care of yourself, Frank.

I left you a little something.

- Hey.
- Hey.

My dad wanted me
to give you these.

Oh, uh,
to your grandma's house.

He made copies

as soon as the hardware store
opened today.

Cool.

So...you want to go see it?

What, the house?

I mean, it's as good
a time as any.

Yeah, no.

I mean, I just started
working on this, so...

Work the only thing
keeping you from going?

Well, yeah, work and, uh...

the fact that
it's in Wisconsin.

You know,
"I live in Wisconsin."

Yeah, that--that doesn't even
sound right, so...

I'm not excited
about Milwaukee either.

But it's a free house.

I mean, I think we got to
at least check it out, right?

I haven't even seen it
in years.

Right.

Right.

What's up, bro?
You good?

Never took you
for a day drinker.

Yeah, I'm good.

Just waiting for my date
to get here.

Oh, Mickey?

No, a new guy.
Mickey and I broke up.

Oh, no shit.

Tired of all that
Milkovich bullshit, huh?

Hey, what do you know
about rich people?

I want to thank you
for showing such interest

in our little family
and for pledging so much

to spend the day with us--
it was very generous.

You ever heard
of hunting groups

that track and kill people
for sport?

- Uh--
- Secret societies

that reach the highest
forms of government?

Sex cults?
Devil worshipping?

Private islands

that have fighting tournaments
to the death?

Human traffic--

Can't say I've heard
of any of that, man.

- Holler if you need me.
- Sure.

So a little bit
about our girls.

They are natural learners.

They know all of their letters
and numbers,

and I bet they'll be reading
any day now.

Your patrons are fascinating.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

They're just regular
workin' folk.

- So back to the girls--
- Excuse me.

But how can they be working

if they are here in the day
at your bar, drinking?

Night shift?
I don't know.

You're here in the middle
of the day, right?

Yes, of course,
but we are incredibly wealthy.

What are we drinking?

French 75.

Never heard of it.

- Caipirinha.
- Cappa-what?

Sazerac? Negroni?
Um...

Okay.
A La Paloma, hmm?

No-zerac, No-groni,
and La Pa-nopa.

The only fancy thing
we got back there

is a bottle
of "Cream de Mint,"

but that came with the place
when we bought it.

We got beer,

and we got alcohol
from the bottle.

Well, here's an idea.

Let's skip the bar

and reconvene at your house
after the sun sets.

That way, we can discuss
your application

and, uh, get to know each other

in a more...
intimate setting.

Huh?

Right?

Why are we laughing?

I don't know.
Just go with it.

Where Ian Gallagher at?

Hi.

- Oh. Hey.

Bitch, why are you
babysitting that drink?

Are we gonna pregame

before we get all musical
and shit or what?

Bartender! Bartender!

I'm gonna need a round
of Henny immediately,

like, immediately.

Let's get turnt
in this motherfucker.

I know you're worried
about our age difference,

you know, about my mom,

but the chemistry
we have between us...

it's crazy, right?

Yeah, it is.

I-I know it's early,

but I think this
could be the real thing,

and if it is, just fuck
all the other stuff.

You know?
That's just noise.

We can't let noise get in
the way of what this could be.

Uh, Julia, what is with
all these signs?

Oh, my God.

Is this a promposal?

Okay, Mr. Gallagher.

You've heard the charges
against you.

What's your plea?

I plead not guilty.

I was framed.

Humor me, Mr. Gallagher.

Who framed you?

Okay, then.

Let's schedule
the preliminary hearing.

My calendar?

It was the drug companies.

Excuse me?

The companies
that made the pills--

they're the ones
who set me up.

A guy like me,

a father of five--
uh, six--

struggling with addiction
all his life?

I never stood a chance.

It's entrapment,
Your Honor,

pharmaceutical entrapment.

It's the corporations--

Let me get this straight.

You think that a company
that doesn't know you from Adam

should be the one
standing here today

instead of you,
a criminal,

whose record dates back
to the Nixon administration?

That's not the way I would've
phrased it, but, yes.

More or less, yes.

Okay.

Well, let me elucidate you

on the perspective of this
court, Mr. Gallagher.

I agree with you.

I grew up on the South Side
of Chicago.

I have friends and family

whose whole lives
were turned upside down

just 'cause they had a couple
of crack rocks in their pocket.

My own brother did ten years

on some trumped-up
possession charge.

That is a crying shame.

Your Honor, I don't mean
to speak out of turn,

but what exactly
did the War on Drugs get us,

other than generations
of locked-up parents

away from families
who needed them?

Mm-hmm.

Why repeat the same cycle?

Why tear Mr. Gallagher away
from his kids?

Why punish a fellow citizen
who has a problem?

An illness, Your Honor.

An illness foisted on me
by greedy drug companies.

I've never heard of an illness
best cured by prison.

Me neither.
Have you, Mr. McClatchy?

No, ma'am.

The district attorney
and the citizens of Chicago

agree with you, Your Honor.

I think we all desire
a new approach.

Uh, Your Honor,

all due deference
and with respect,

but maybe it's time for you
to be the change

you want to see in the world.

Don't push it, Mr. Gallagher.

Without any objections
from the prosecution,

I believe that a pre-trial
intervention is appropriate.

Mr. Gallagher...

...the Court hereby orders you

to complete 100 hours
of community service

and a court-approved

residential addiction
therapy program.

All rise.

Thank you, Your Honor.
Thank you.

Hey.

About Lorne and Delphine
coming over tonight,

I'm starting to think
they might be--

They're swingers?

Why else would they pay
$5,000 to date us

if they didn't expect sex?

And at this point,
the only way our daughters

are gonna get into Eldridge
is by engaging in a night

of extremely perverted
wife-swapping.

So I guess
we should cancel.

- It's a shame.

Without Eldridge, our girls

are gonna be putting
their life on the line

every day in public school.

I mean, unless...

Unless what?

Swinging?

It wouldn't be the freakiest
thing we've ever done.

And she's French.

So, in Europe, it's probably
pretty normal, right?

Are you saying
we should do it?

I'm--no, I'm--
I'm saying maybe--

Eldridge is awesome.

I think Scottie Pippen's kids
went to Eldridge.

Rumor has it
Brian Urlacher's did, too.

It doesn't get
cooler than that.

So you would do it?
Swing with them?

All right,
this feels like a trap.

It's not.

You know I would do anything
for you and the girls.

So, if you want me to bang
some extremely hot French lady,

I will, I guess.

And I guess...
I could stomach

letting some living Ken doll
clap my cakes--

for the girls, of course.

- Clap your what?
- I don't know.

I used to spend
a month each summer

visiting Nana in Milwaukee.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

When I was nine,

this drive felt
like it took forever.

I mean, I would've told you
that it would take all day,

but look.

GPS says two hours.

It takes longer to get
across town in traffic.

- That's not so bad, right?
- No. No, it's not bad.

Yo, how long are we
standing around

until you tell me
what we're doing?

- We're waiting.
- For what?

For that.

Hey, boss.

Fellas.

So what do you guys say
we check out this open house?

Hmm?

You stay.
Watch the truck.

What the fuck?

- Hey.
- No, don't touch me.

Okay.

We let things
get out of hand.

It was fun while it lasted.

But I can't go
to a school dance with you.

That's just not possible,
Julia.

It would be possible...

if you liked me
as much as I like you.

I'm sleeping
with your mom, Julia.

So dump her!

I can't afford that right now--
emotionally.

Do you love her?

I'm growing
to care for her.

But she's so old!

She watches "60 Minutes."

She bleaches her mustache.

She lasers the varicose veins
in her legs.

Have you seen her calves?

They're a fucking subway map.

What do you even see in her?

I'm gonna threaten
to kill myself.

You're gonna threaten,

or you're gonna actually
try to kill yourself?

I hate you!

Mr. Gallagher,
welcome to Placid Journeys.

I'm Mora.
I run the place.

Over that way is the spa
and the meditation room.

Down there is the kitchen
with our 24-hour onsite chef.

Now, she specializes
in farm-to-table.

It's parsnip season.

You like parsnips?

As much as the next fella,
I guess.

- Mm.
- So...

what do you guys
have on tap here?

Methadone?

This is behavioral therapy.

We mainly just talk.

Jesus. Really?

You like smoothies?

Come on.

I got to say,
this is nothing like

the rehab facility
I was sent to back in the day.

And I can't help but notice

that the demographics
have changed.

- Everybody here is--
- Young, white, rich.

It's the opioid epidemic.

Doctors spent years

under-prescribing black people
pain medication,

so they never had a chance
to get addicted,

and they don't wind up here.

All that oppression,
and you don't even get

a shot at a good
doctor-prescribed high?

Meanwhile...

a white cheerleader
sprains an ankle,

and she gets prescribed
a 90-day supply of Oxy

- with six refills.

- What are you gonna do?
- Hmm.

Well, it's clean.

It smells like my grandma.

I don't see anything
falling down.

Yeah, I was, uh...

kind of expecting a crazy old
cat lady hoarder house.

I mean,
this wallpaper is awful.

We'd take that down.

But I mean, I don't know.

Am I crazy?

This isn't that bad.

I'm gonna check out
the upstairs.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Pretty big, huh?
- Yeah.

If you wanted to keep
fixing bikes on the side,

you'd have the space.

And I mean, I could fit
a lift stand right here.

Work bench.

Tool cabinet.

I could get maybe...

maybe two bikes in here
at a time, three in a pinch.

It's nice.

Yeah.

- Pension?
- Yeah.

Pension, holiday,
health benefits,

maternity leave.

Well, I don't really
see maternity leave

being an issue,

so long as you and I
are exclusive.

- But everything else...

I'm sure we can
work something out.

I thought we were
watching our carbs.

So is that a yes
to my offer?

Julia, honey, you'd like
to have Debbie around more,

wouldn't you?

All right, well,

don't mind her.

She's just mad
because some boy at school

wouldn't go to the school dance
with her.

Then she comes home,
and she orders pizza,

and it's like, the only thing
more unforgiving than a scale

is a shallow teenage boy.

- Am I right?
- Yeah.

- Boys. Heartbreakers.

Hey, Berto.

- Trying to find my dad.
- Yeah, good luck.

I was hoping you could help.

How?

He was hanging out
with a Latina lady

named Faye
who owns a Rolls Royce.

Maybe you could
look her up for me?

You sure this can't wait?

I literally just
bought this pizza,

and it's only getting colder
by the second.

I'm desperate.

All right,
step into my office.

We ain't got
no free services, you heard?

So give us what you owe,

or we gonna be
at every open house you got.

- Jesus.

I was high.

I was on another planet, man.

I never should've been
behind the wheel, but...

...there I was.

One second,
I'm going the wrong way

through a Taco Bell
drive-through.

Next second,

I'm in a field in Indiana

drinking milk directly
from a cow's udder.

And my dad's all like,

"Well, that's the second
Mercedes you've lost."

And I'm like,
"Well, I'm fine, Dad.

Thanks for asking.

The salmonella's
finally cleared up."

And then he brought me
here again.

I just think he wanted me
out of the picture....

...so I didn't embarrass him
in front of his...

Can't you do something
for this poor kid?

He's obviously dope sick.

No, I can't.

But since you took it upon
yourself to interrupt him,

perhaps you'd like
to share next.

Share what?

Most people use
their initial share

to recount their
addiction journey.

How long is this session?

We have two hours left, Frank.

Just two hours,
and you're wasting your time

on amateur stuff?

Sorry.

Okay.

How many here have mixed
a bottle of fentanyl nose spray

with a half-gallon
of orange juice

and hidden in the wheel well

of an American Airlines flight
to Rio de Janeiro?

Hands?

No one?

Really?

Okay, I think I'll start there.

Yes, bitch,

I got the card-duplication
machine thingy,

but if you got the number
and the expiration date,

then you're good to go.

Yes, spend, girl,

before they realize
you took it.

And get me some boots, too.

Not Uggs, bitch, okay?

I'm not trying to look
basic this fall.

Yes, the thievery of it all.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

I'm on a date, so I got to go.

You want a show?

Watch me walk away.

Ooh.

What the fuck is that?

That is Cole.

He's my date.

Uh-huh.

What's he doing?

He's getting us drinks.

Can I help you?

Hiya.

Thanks for having us.

Oh, this is our boy, Simon.

- Bonsoir.

Bonsoir.

C'est magnifique.

Can I offer you guys
something to drink?

Soda, water?

What are
these strange papers, Papa?

Um...

good question, Simon.

This is, uh...

It's not organic.

I thought this
was gonna be about sex.

Me too. I waxed.

But we just need to play nice
and be good hosts.

These guys are reporting back

to the admissions committee,
remember?

What is wrong,
mon petite étoile?

You said this place would
be filthy and falling apart.

You said there'd
be insects and rats.

I want a rat.

Excuse me.

Where are your roaches
and other vermin?

Yes.
Can we please see them?

Time-out.

Um...

I thought we were gonna be...

you know what I mean?

Can you please explain to us
what's going on here?

Well...

We have not been
around the poor before,

and we wanted Simon
to see how...

you people live.

We were hoping
you would demonstrate to him

destitution and suffering.

To motivate him
to work harder in school.

Mm.

Yes, so he will not end up
in a place like this.

Hi.

Sure, come on in.

- How'd you know where I live?
- Uh, you took the Audi.

I tracked the GPS.

This place is a dump.

No wonder you're taking
my mom's handouts.

You come here to insult me?

No, I've given it some thought.

Given what some thought?

I've decided

we are going to the homecoming
dance together.

Julia, I thought I made myself
clear the first time.

Oh, no, you did.

But like I said,
I've given it some thought,

and I've decided we're going.

Okay.

No.

There is literally no way

I'm going to the homecoming
dance with you.

And you barging in here
like this,

it's kind of psycho, Julia.

It's a free country,

so you don't have to go.

But if you don't,

I am definitely
gonna tell my mom

that you went down on me.

Three--
no, four times.

Is that psycho?

Well, I can see--

ooh, and smell--

that you have been working hard
at sanitation.

Yes, sir.

You got five minutes.

My wife and I like
watching that singing show

with the spinny chairs.

It's getting ready to start.

Sir...

garbage is dirty.

We're Imperial Mammoth.

We're gonna take a break,
but we'll be back in ten.

That's some Beethoven
shit, am I right?

All right, sir, can I have
another one, please?

I'm gonna need, like,
ten more of these bitches.

Yes. Hey!

Look, I hooked up with him
once, and he moved in.

I didn't have a choice.

Now he won't go.

I was hoping,
since I got his ex here,

that maybe he'd
take him off my hands.

- Please, God.

So, no, he's not my boyfriend.

He's dumb, he's rude,
he's politically ignorant,

he's violent,
he's socially inept.

I don't even think he can read.

And he's way too aggressive
in bed

and not in a good way.

All right.

You convinced me.

I'll take him off your hands.

Is this, uh...

this what you do when
you don't like somebody?

You bash 'em
behind their backs?

Get a good laugh
at their expense

with your fucking friends?

Try to pawn 'em off
to some other guy?

No, I--uh, I-I didn't--
I didn't m-mean that--

Byron.
Byron, come on.

I know exactly what you meant.

Unfortunately for you,

I'm not the kind of guy
who lets people

talk shit
about the man he loves,

so, uh--hey,
can you hold these for me?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

Look at my man.

- Don't take no shit.
- Calm down.

I'm gonna do gymnastics
on that dick tonight.

I'm gonna Simone Biles that
dick, you know what I'm saying?

Hey.

I love you,

Mickey Milkovich...

...more than anything.

And if you'll let me,

I-I'd like to spend
the rest of my life--

Jesus Christ, save the fucking
speech, you pussy.

I'll marry you.

Of course
I'll fucking marry you.

You're late.

You're early.

Just doing my part
to break stereotypes.

What's that smell?

The smell of a man saving
the city from corruption.

Ugh.

Since when does Lip
call family meetings?

Does anyone know
what two lesbians do

when they go to homecoming?

Do they both wear dresses?
Do neither wear dresses?

Come on, man.

- Come on.
- Come on.

Yeah, that's go--
that's gonna help you a lot.

- what the fuck is that smell?

Carl's trying
to save the city.

Hey, everybody.
Uh, thanks for coming.

I wanted to tell you all this
in person.

What, you fall off the wagon?

- No.
- You going to prison?

What? No.

Tami dumped you.

She's pregnant again?

Oh, she definitely dumped you.

No, will everybody
just shut the fuck up?

Listen, please.

Me, Tami, and Fred
are moving to Milwaukee.

Uh, her family gave us
an old house up there,

and, uh, it's--it's nice.

It's only two hours away,
you know, and it's big,

so you guys can all come up
and visit.

And I'll still be around,
you know, on weekends

and, uh, holidays
and stuff like that, so...

Anyway, that's it.

That's, uh...

That's all I got, so...

Who are you?

I'm your Uncle Frank,

and I'm gonna take care of you.

All I need in return

is for your parents
to make sure

Uncle Frank's commissary
account is nice and full.

I wouldn't smell it.