Original subtitles

- So the fire spread from the putt-putt

to the strip mall next door,

damaging the tanning salon,

the bong store, and the Boost Mobile.

- Damn, a Florida trifecta.

- So can you tell me why you were at the putt-putt

last Friday?

- Well, we were following this guy, Carlos.

He's pretty cool.

Smokes, rides a motorcycle.

- And why were you following him?

- 'Cause he was winning and I was losing,

and I ain't a loser.

- We just want to know how he's doing it.

- I wanted to see if he would go on break

and take off his shirt and drink some iced tea

and spill a little on his chest.

- But we didn't learn anything.

- Walked away empty-handed.

- Shirt stayed on the entire time.

What a fucking tease.

- So then, you didn't discover

that Carlos Ramirez was secretly raising snakes

out of the maintenance shed?

- What?

- Cheating motherfucker!

- Well, Mr. Ramirez seems to think that you found out

and burned the snake shed down for revenge.

- He thinks we did that?

Does that mean he knows who I am?

Does he know my name? Tell me exactly what he said.

- Look, obviously, we would have been pissed

if we had known what Carlos was up to,

but we wouldn't have set his shed on fire.

We would've kept the snakes for ourselves.

- Yes, that's what I said.

See?

It was all clearly an accident.

Ramirez was using a bunch of the heat lamps

to keep the snakes warm, started a fire.

It's open and shut. - Thank you.

Everybody stuck to the story?

- Fuck yeah, man. I kept it tight.

- 100%.

Except for when I instantly panicked

and said I was in love with Condom Carl,

and then I made that the core of my alibi.

- Fuck, we were all supposed to say the same fucking thing.

- I'm sorry. I got flustered.

And sex sells. - Sells what?

- I don't know. I'm flustered.

- It doesn't matter. They think it was an accident.

We're in the clear.

- Hey there, team!

Sorry to startle.

Jim Gallant, AIS.

Jim Gallant, AIS.

Jim Gallant, AIS.

- What's "AIS"?

- Alvertus Insurance Syndicate.

We had a policy with the Family Fun Times Adventure Park,

so we're gonna take a pretty big hit on this fire.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- Well, thank you for saying that.

But it'll be fine because once I prove one of you did it,

AIS is off the hook.

- Yeah, well, we didn't do shit, Jimbo.

- Here, let me give you one of my cards.

Now, you peanuts better not stick around too much,

or I might get a payday.

I'm just joking.

Oh, you're a fun crew.

I'm pumped!

Who's pumped?

- So how are you feeling about Jim Gallant?

I thought he seemed pretty nice.

- He's trying to put us in prison, Jillian G.

I don't feel like you get a great read on people.

- Oh, definitely not. I get tricked a lot.

- You know what this is?

It's the universe punishing me.

I got greedy and tried to steal those snakes,

and now I have to pay.

- But we all have alibis.

Corby's gonna say that he saw Brock at home

the night of the fire.

And I'll have my friend Scary Steve

say he saw me in my billboard.

- Who's Scary Steve?

- He's just a guy at the parking lot.

He always bangs on my car and says, "Good night, bitch."

We can trust him.

- And you've got someone at the gym, right?

- I didn't see anyone,

but you have to enter a time in the logbook,

and I said I got in two hours before I actually did.

- See? Everything's okay.

- Oh, it's Nessa. Give me a sec.

Hey, baby. What's shaking?

- Hey, Dad, I was just calling

to make sure you were planning on voting today.

- Oh, shit. Today is the election.

Uh, yeah, I'll get over there if I can.

- Dad, it's historic.

It's the single most important election of my lifetime.

- You're 11 years old.

It's the third election of your lifetime.

- If you don't vote and I lose the right to my uterus--

- Ah, don't put your uterus on the table like that.

I'm trying to win this snake hunt,

and I haven't caught anything today, so--

- Fine, I'll keep making my calls.

I wonder who's next.

Ooh, Marco.

Marco.

- He's so engaged with this stuff.

I'd be surprised if he hasn't voted already.

- Nessa, look, I promise I will find my polling place and I--

- I already checked. It's the same as Mom's.

We're on our way. I'll send a pin.

Meet you there. Bye.

- Fucking democracy.

All these people here to vote?

It's gonna take forever.

Well, I'm sorry about this.

I know it's a drag,

but it means a lot to Nessa that I'm here,

and I can't let her down.

- Plus, you've got to beat Marco.

- No, I'm here for Nessa.

I don't care about Marco.

- I mean, it's okay, but you're kind of obsessed with him.

He's all you've talked about for the whole ride over.

- I talked about Vanessa too.

- As Marco, as part of your very long impression of him.

I'm not sure you're allowed to do that accent, by the way.

- I'm not obsessed with Marco!

- Dad, you made it!

Aw.

- Hey, Camille.

- I printed you a voter's guide.

- It's Hillary versus Trump. Seems like a easy choice.

- Yeah, but do you know who's running for comptroller?

- No. Do you know what a comptroller does?

- No. - Okay.

Well, I'll take your guide,

but I want to acknowledge that we are both uninformed.

- I will not be acknowledging that.

- Here we go! Hey, kiddo.

- Hey, Marco. - I brought waters.

- Oh, look. It's Camille's friend.

Love your teeny duffels.

- These are ultra-light camping chairs.

18 ounces, including the stuff sack.

- You're a stuff sack.

- What was that?

- I said, you're a stuff sack.

But I said it quietly because you weren't meant to hear it.

- Well, I just want my ladies to be comfortable.

Did you bring anything?

- I brought myself,

which is meaningful because I should be out working.

- Any by "working," you mean nailing snakes to your hand?

- Sorry I couldn't be a valve salesman

like you, Marco.

Of course.

- Okay, so let's go over this guide.

- No, no, no, no!

You don't get to stay. That's cutting!

I didn't switch shifts

to have someone come and cut in front of me.

- Ma'am, this is my family.

- Bullshit!

He's the dad. She's the mom.

You're just somebody who want to cut.

- He is not the dad.

- He brought them chairs. He brought them water.

He's the dad.

- Thank you for your support, Jackie.

- Who the fuck is Jackie?

- She's my line friend.

- Just go to the back and wait your turn.

- Fine. Fine. I'll go to the back.

Everybody's gotta listen to Jackie,

mayor of fucking Line Town.

Her word is God.

- Hello? Angelica?

What the fuck?

Oh, no.

No. Please, no. I'm dropping. I'm dropping.

Look, I've dropped! I've dropped!

No, please! Please! - It's okay, my angels.

You're okay. - Please, stop!

- Jillian, stop scaring your sisters.

- I didn't bring keys in this time.

The way you treat my girls in their home.

Did you Photoshop the dogs over me in that picture?

- Your father never got to meet the girls before he passed.

I wanted a picture of us as a family.

- Couldn't you have just put them next to me,

and then we would have all been in it together?

- I'm not a computer expert, Jillian.

I don't know the answer to that.

- Okay, well, I guess I'll just scoop up my mail.

Sorry I let it pile up.

Wait, this is what you sent all those texts about?

There are only three letters here.

This is just a flyer for a party barge.

- I can't keep holding space for you in my space, Jillian.

- Craig, hold up.

You can slow down, you know?

- My pace, my business.

Why you walking all up on me, Marco?

- No, I came here to tell you that I got offered a new job.

- But still valves, though.

You can't turn your back on valves.

Valves need you.

- It's a good job.

A promotion with a big raise.

But it's in Columbus, Ohio.

- Mm, well, don't come back now, you hear?

- I want Camille to come.

I asked her to marry me.

- Oh. Okay.

So what's Vanessa gonna do without her mom?

- No, Vanessa will be coming with us.

- The fuck you say?

Camille's okay with this?

- Camille's not sure.

She was worried about how you'll react,

so I need you to tell her that it's fine.

- It's not fine. You're not taking my daughter

to dipshit Columbus, Ohio, fucking Valve Town, USA.

They don't even have a sports team.

- They have the Blue Jackets.

- Who the fuck are the Blue Jackets?

- It's an NHL team.

- You are not making my daughter

a hockey fan, Marco!

- I'm actually gonna double my salary.

- Congratulations.

What you gonna make now, 40 grand?

- I'm gonna make $120,000.

So? Well, still, it's valves.

It still sucks.

- I can afford to give your daughter

a life that you will never be able to give her.

If you could think of anyone but yourself,

you'd want this to happen.

- Ouch.

That was like watching a puppy with a pig's ear.

You got torn to bits.

Hey, remember me?

Jim Gallant, AIS.

- What the fuck? Are you following me?

Of course not.

That would be harassment.

I'm just here to vote.

But it is a happy coincidence

because AIS does have a few questions for you.

- I don't have to answer any questions.

You're not a cop. - Actually, I am a COP.

A completely optimistic person.

Now, you told the police that your friend, Ms. Glopp,

dropped you off at--

- Oh, I gotta talk to my family for a second.

I'll be right back.

- I'll hold your spot, bud.

- No, no, no. - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Could I just talk to my daughter

for one second please, Jackie?

My daughter and my ex-wife and her fat boyfriend?

Hey, baby, listen, I gotta get out of here.

- What? Dad, you can't leave.

- You asked me to come, and I came.

This hasn't been a pleasant experience for me.

- We are still here for you, honey.

You know what?

Forget I said that.

I'm staying.

But we gotta speed this shit up.

I'm gonna go see what the holdup is.

How long is this line?

Excuse me-- - Shh!

- Miss-- - Shh!

- Miss, I just-- - Shh!

- I just want to know how long

this entire process is gonna take.

- It took me 4 1/2 hours.

- 4 1/2 hours? Shit!

- I need you to sign here,

then take this ballot and go over to the other line.

- Other line?

Fucking democracy.

- Take deeper breaths, honey.

- So can they really deport me? - Yes.

Any narcotics-related offense can jeopardize your green card.

- Oh, it wasn't a narcotics-related offense.

I took a pill bottle off a dead man,

but only because it was his dying wish.

I don't know for sure that Silas was grateful,

but he has visited me several times in my dreams

and tried to kiss me.

So I don't know if you want to bring that up in court, or--

- Look, honey, immigration law is nebulous.

It really comes down to the judge you get.

And lucky for you, they all trust me.

They know when I say I'm working with a good kid,

that's a good kid.

- Thank you so much.

- And before we get started,

there's just the matter of my fee.

It's usually 500,

but I can bump you down to 350

with a ten hour per week minimum,

so you're only looking at $10,000,

unless the holidays slow the process, which they will.

Does that sound good?

- "You won't pay a dime."

- Why are you doing this?

- Why am I doing my job?

I love my job.

- There's no way you get paid enough

to stand in line for hours,

waiting to talk to somebody who's never gonna talk to you.

- Actually, AIS is an industry leader

in employee compensation, pension contribution,

and advancement opportunities.

It's a great American company with a long tradition.

- A long tradition of following Black guys to polling stations?

I'm glad that we're friends now and we can joke like this.

- We're not friends. - Well, then let's change that.

Quick, two truths and a lie.

I'm Jim Gallant, AIS,

I'm gonna find out who set that fire,

and I'm allergic to dogs.

- I don't-- - The dog one was a lie.

I--I love dogs.

I'm allergic to tree nuts.

Now you go.

You're Craig Foster,

you live in a gym,

and what time did you get back there last Friday night?

- Honestly, I don't know. Check the logbook.

- I did. It has you getting in at 7:15.

- So I got in at 7:15. We're done.

- Absolutely, but there's one little problem.

I also checked the security footage.

- How? Do insurance men get warrants?

- Not usually, but Troy, the gym manager?

- Fucking Troy! - Nice guy.

Well, I don't think that Troy much likes you living there.

And the footage shows you getting in at 9:27.

Now, let me think.

You don't have a car,

you weren't at the gym,

you weren't with Ms. Glopp.

Scary Steve said that she was alone in the billboard

when he banged on it.

- I just remembered, I was with my daughter.

I had to go to my ex-wife's house

to talk to her about a problem she's having at school.

Hey now, we got ourselves a new alibi.

That's a fun little development.

- Yeah, so you're gonna be deported.

- No, I spoke to another lawyer

who said that immigration law is nebulous

and it comes down to the judge you get.

- Oh, good to know. Let me jot that down.

- That's a lot of butts.

Yes, I am a doodler.

- So you didn't know that about the nebulousness already?

- I don't really work in immigration stuff.

I mostly deal with local issues.

You know, airboat tragedies, Dad's law.

You've heard my jingle.

You haven't heard it?

- No, it's--it's catchy, though.

- Look, you can become a specialist

in anything nowadays.

Watch.

I'm just gonna search for "green card"

and "drug misdemeanor," and...

The Internet's out!

You get the idea.

Now then, there's just the matter of my fee.

- Oh, but your billboard said, "You won't pay a dime."

- Mm, yeah, "You won't pay a dime"

is from when we're suing somebody

and we're gonna take their money.

You know, real law. Good law.

For your type of shit, there's a $7,000 upfront retainer,

and that's against an hourly rate of 350 bucks.

You gotta pay the best to be with the best,

you know what I mean?

- Is that your ex-wife up there?

I think I'll hop over

and see if she'll corroborate your alibi.

- Um, yeah, that's her,

but Camille wasn't there Friday night.

It was just me and my daughter.

- Oh, well, I'll just go talk to Vanessa.

- No, you can't talk to my 11-year-old.

How do you even know her name?

Who are you?

- Jim Gallant, AIS?

But look, if you're uncomfortable,

I'm sure the cops would be happy

to have this conversation

now that your story has changed.

They can bring Ness in through proper channels.

- No, no, no, no. Let's--let's not do that.

- Yeah, well, I guess I can see

how involving your daughter in a police matter

might send someone running off to Columbus, Ohio.

- I'll go get my kid.

- Mm-hmm.

- Hey, fam. Marco.

Hey, can I talk to Vanessa for a sec?

- Yeah, but can you take me to the bathroom first?

- Yes, absolutely.

- Really have to pee. I drank too much water.

- Yeah, that's my influence. 8 ounces eight times a day.

- So you're bragging about liking water now?

- I'm bragging about being healthy.

- You're bragging about being thirsty.

- Dad, I have to go. - Let's go.

- You really gotta stop with Marco.

You two fight like sisters. - I know.

I'll try, but more importantly,

have I ever told you about lying?

I feel like you're at the age where I can tell you,

sometimes it's good to lie--

what the fuck?

- Oh, I'm sorry to startle.

If you're using the facilities, I thought I'd join.

- Dad? - It's okay, honey.

This is my... friend. We met in line back there.

- My name is Jim, but you can call me George

because, boy, am I curious about this "lying" thing.

- Go on in, baby.

I'll be out here when you get back.

Are you going for creepy all the time?

'Cause you fucking nailed it.

- I said, "Sorry to startle," and I meant it.

I just need to make sure that you're not coaching a witness.

- A what?

- Oh, good. Marco's here.

I'm sure he has an amazing reason why.

- Yeah, I saw this stranger following Nessa to the bathroom

and I wanted to make sure everything is okay.

- Oh, everything is great.

I'm Jim Gallant from Alvertus Insurance Syndicate.

I was interviewing Mr. Foster here

about his role in a probable arson...

- What?

- And I need to confirm his alibi with his daughter.

- Wait, his alibi involves Nessa?

- He said he was at your house, in fact.

Last Friday night between the hours of 7:15 and 9:27.

- Yes.

Yeah, Craig is always around.

He loves to intrude.

I do.

- And you're sure about that time line?

Those hours specifically?

- Mm-hmm, whenever Craig is around,

I look at the clock a lot.

He does.

- Ah, well, if you think of anything else

or you realize you were mistaken,

I'll be back in line.

- What was that? - That was a huge favor.

- Thank you.

Marco, look, I know we had our differences--

- No, no, I don't give a shit. I didn't do this to be nice.

I saved you ass, and now you're gonna tell Camille

that you're okay with us moving to Ohio.

And if you don't,

I'm gonna tell your friend I was mistaken about Friday.

Your choice.

Don't pinch!

- Camille.

Camille.

I think Craig has something he'd like to say to you.

- I know Marco asked you to marry him

and y'all are thinking about moving to Columbus.

- Who's moving to Columbus?

- Oh, it's a great city, honey.

Guy Fieri is from there.

They actually made a petition

to rename it Flavortown.

- Okay...

- I was gonna jump in with my own comment there,

but I wanted you to see that reaction, Marco.

- Camille, please.

I know you're not saying yes

because you're worried if I can handle Vanessa leaving.

And I appreciate that,

but I have to say...

Good. Don't move to dumbass Ohio.

- We had a fucking deal, you asshole!

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm interfering with your dream of moving

to the most boring state and becoming more boring.

- I am not boring.

I'm actually 15 classes away

from getting my pilot's license.

- What you gonna do with a pilot's license, Marco?

You don't have a plane. - You can rent a plane.

- Ooh, plane by the hour.

- Of course it's about him. It's always about him!

You let this loser guilt you into doing whatever he wants.

- Hey, my dad's not a loser. He's an entrepreneur.

- Thanks, baby.

- You brought this on yourself.

Where's the insurance guy?

Insurance guy!

Insurance guy! - Marco.

- Insurance guy! - Over here.

- Marco. - Jim Gallant, AIS.

- I was wrong. Nobody came over last Friday.

Uh, Camille was at a school thing,

I was watching "Ray Donovan,"

and Craig, I don't know where Craig was,

but he sure as shit wasn't with us.

- Wow.

Looks like this cool cucumber has gone dill,

because we got ourselves one big old pickle.

I dropped.

I fucking dropped!

Here I am. I dropped. God damn it!

- I don't know what you want from me.

- Are you back only to torture my girls?

- No, I might get deported

and I need money to hire a lawyer.

- Ooh, call What's-His-Name.

- Dean Trovia. Yeah, I tried him.

Even he's too expensive.

- Hmm.

- I just need a loan.

- It's not a loan if I'll never get paid back.

- But you will.

I'm in this snake hunt, and when me and my partner win,

we're gonna invest the prize money in our business.

- Can't you just use your prize money to pay the lawyer?

- I would, but I promised my partner

I'd invest the winnings in his idea.

- Is that in writing?

- Well, no, but we shook hands.

It felt very official.

I used my business voice.

- Well, then, you have a decision to make:

help yourself and fuck him over,

or help him and fuck yourself over.

Your choice.

- No, we are not doing this in front of my family.

I have your card. I'll call you later.

- Mr. Foster, I'm going to give you one last chance

to answer my questions.

- Nessa, baby, I gotta go.

- Where were you, Mr. Foster?

Where were you last Friday until 9:27

when you returned to the gym?

The gym where he lives, by the way.

Okay. God, that's perfect.

- Why are you telling them that, man?

- Because I'm fucking sick of this shit.

I wasted my whole day on this stupid fucking case.

- I thought you loved your job.

- Love my job? I hate my fucking job.

You know what I love?

I love playing guitar. I'm in a band.

I'm actually missing a rehearsal right now,

and the guys are getting pissed

because it's the third straight time

that I've had to bail,

and we've got a gig coming up next week.

But I'll probably miss that too

because there'll probably be another dumb-fuck arsonist

trying to cover up some other dumb-fuck crime,

and I'll go to Jim and ask for a day off,

but Jim doesn't care about Battle of the Bands.

Jim only cares about climbing the AIS corporate ladder.

- Your boss is named Jim too?

- Yeah, and it's fucking confusing.

And he gets my emails, so I have to go by a nickname,

and they all call me J-Bone.

And you're gonna tell me where you were that night.

- "He was with me."

- No, he wasn't, sweetie.

We've already established this.

- No, not "me" me.

I'm translating. Mom.

- What? No. No, you were at a school thing.

- What is she saying?

- She was with me at the motel, is what she's saying.

She's been cheating on Marco with me, is the thing.

- No, you--you wouldn't.

- What is she saying? - Well, Jackie,

she's saying we've been fucking on Fridays.

- You don't have to translate that!

- Wow.

You don't want Camille's voice to be heard.

Wow.

- You know what?

Fuck you,

fuck this election,

and fuck all of you.

I'm taking my chairs

and I'm fucking... leaving.

- Seems a little complicated to fold up.

- Ow! Fucking...

fuck.

- Okay, then.

Well, I'll be leaving now,

try to get to my band rehearsal.

I can email you about our gig, if you're interested.

- That's okay.

Okay.

Well, this day turned the fuck around.

- Are--are you two--

no, I can't ask that question.

Okay. Um...

Are you two getting back together?

- No, baby. No.

No? Actually, I--

- That's a firm no. No. That's right.

- He is annoying. That's what I've been saying.

- It was a mini-golf.

- They have free Wi-Fi.

- Really? I'm not guilting you into this?

- I like normal.

- You sure you don't wanna call it?

It's been a long-ass day.

- No, Dad.

- "Mille's."

"Not like that."

Oh, shit.

- Yo, Big C. Cregory.

What's goodie?

- I see you.

Nice ride.

Why are you all dressed up?

And what kind of favor do you need at dawn?

- A big one.

- Not a doctor. Shh.